Support Group Thoughts

I've had the privilege of running a small prayer/support group at church for those dealing with infertility and miscarriage baby loss. There's only a few of us and we have been at different stages of the journey, yet God has been very awesome at providing for our different needs through the group. 

As the coordinator-type-person I am thankful that our church is sooo behind this and encouraging. I don't always feel like I know what I'm doing but somehow God does stuff. I treasure all the friendships I am able to have though I also wish we didn't have to have this in common! 

Just wondering what you guys out there think about this. Our group is made up of ladies on different journeys. Primary infertility (battling to get pregnant), secondary infertility (waiting for subsequent child), miscarriage baby loss/ recurrent loss, and of course some are now mothers too. 

I like that we are at different places as we need each other and it is always encouraging to learn from each other's experiences, and it all seems to still be okay since we are small, but I also know it can be painful as eventually some will be waiting and some will have children... What is the best way to handle this? How can I do this well?

I know there are no easy answers. But just thought to hear your ideas or if you have had any experience yourself. 

Celebrating

(Thank you Ch for the lovely time!)

These last few days we've had American Thanksgiving (joined in with some friends who are like family), it was our seventh wedding anniversary and today it is Toby's 5th month birthday (is that how you say it)!

SO much to celebrate and give thanks for.

Thankful for all the good things in life like food, friends, mom who babysits, cute movies like Arthur Christmas (that's what we watched on our night out haha), groupon-type vouchers (that's what we had for our anniversary meal- wasn't great but we did have three courses which was fun!) and a sweet baby.

I also got to go to a baby shower of a friend who is having a baby after waiting for a time, and having one miscarriage. We got to know each other via our little prayer group at church! It was a special shower and so exciting. It was also neat to know that the prayer support meant so much to her and her family. God does cool things.

Here are some pics.

I love you despite the mo.

Toby today.

Toby the other day looking a little crazy after testing out some pumpkin on him.

Toby's place setting at his Thanksgiving dinner. (Though he spent most of it on the floor trying to roll around...)

Hanging with dad.

Miscarriage Link

Here's a post about dealing with miscarriage that my friend Steph shared. There are no rules for how to go through it, but is helpful to hear how different people deal with it... some things I connect with in here too... 
The Baby I Never Knew

Ten Things at 2pm

1. My baby shower is this coming Sunday. I am very excited about it, yet I'm nervous too! This whole deal is a dream come true. Yet that 'allergy' to baby showers still lingers a little. I'm just stoked that I have friends organising it, friends coming and celebrating with me... even those who are in the midst of waiting. Thanks you guys.

2. Long weekend here (Queens Birthday weekend) so it has been nice. I spent most of Saturday being tired and lying on the couch haha...

3. While I was lying about the house, the husband helped finish off this 'floating shelves and box seats' project that we have been planning for a couple years (yes it takes us a while to get round to it). Love it and love him!

(when we first moved here in 2007... the corner looked like this)

(...then we slowly changed it...)

(...now it looks like this! just need stuff on the shelves.)

4. 36 weeks. I need to do a hospital tour, finish packing my bag and a bag for the baby (yikes!), maybe decorate his room a little if I have time and um... energy etc. Crazy stuff! I think I keep stalling getting the bags packed because it all seems too real and rather scary!

(some days i feel like this. a bit mad-excited that i am having a baby. um... no, nothing to do with me liking this brand of tampons or anything haha.)

5. I have also used one of the baby's waterproof cot mattress protectors (yes dual-purpose! It is a second hand one from my sis-in-law in the U.S. who passed some down. We're so practical it is not funny.) and a towel to line where I sleep, they say to do something like that just in case your waters break while sleeping. Unlikely, according to stats, but why not save our mattress from getting wet with icky waters.

6. As pregnancy has gone on, my bladder is definitely being squished and simply not as strong. Not fun in the night.

7. Thankful for the little group we started at church a few months ago, as a bunch of women praying for each other, to do with infertility and loss... we usually correspond by email but we are planning a get together! Looking forward to it and hoping that God uses us to continue to impact other women around us who may be going through similar things.

8. Been totally craving nasty fried foods and ice-cream... and giving in haha. Hope it doesn't last.

9. The dryer appears to be malfunctioning (ok. definitely not using reusable nappies anytime soon haha!) and some other house bits are falling apart. Bummer timing... Money and time- two things we never seem to have enough of huh- hard not to get frustrated!

10. Where is my brain? If you find it let me know!

(this is me a few weeks ago with a 'delayed' birthday present that i got to open from lovely friends- a beautiful set of china made into a layered cake holder thing! it even says 'april' in the tea cup.)

What A Priviledge...

... to have a friend like this.

My friend C wrote this post the other day. She has been my biggest supporter and encourager even though she has not been through the same stuff. I admire her perseverance in trying to understand me and the things the husband and I have been going through.

So thankful for her!

"Is this your first baby?"

(avoid conversation with this woman! she often doesn't know what to say and cries easily! haha.)

When we were at the wedding in Nelson a couple weekends ago, this was a question that came up a few times. I've asked it myself and I really don't mind it as it is just a part of conversation, as what they are actually asking is, "Do you have any other kids?"

But it caught me by surprise when it was asked of me! Because I know the simple answer is 'Yes'. And yet the more correct answer is 'No'. And yet I didn't want anyone to feel uncomfortable, because they really weren't asking for my life-story.

Then again I'm someone who likes meaningful conversation, so I find myself torn and hesitating for a split second, which I'm sure seems weird if you were the 'asker' as you'd think it'd be a pretty easy one!

Anyway. I usually just answer a polite yes, so that the whole group conversation can move on... but last night, I got a little bold.

I was at someone's house and I got talking with one woman. Maybe because it was a one-to-one conversation and we already knew her husband a little, I'm not sure... so when she asked me, "Is this your first baby?", I decided to take the plunge and I said, "Well, you know, this is actually not my first pregnancy, but yes it is the first baby that has come this far along and we're stoked!"

I wasn't sure where this was going to take us but I trust that this was God thing because then we went on to have a conversation about infertility. She shared with me that they have gone through infertility themselves, have not been able to get pregnant, and are currently living life as two.

We didn't get to chat for very long, but it was a major connection point (had to blink back tears), and I appreciate that she opened up. It is a tough topic to be talking about with someone you just met! On my end of course it is always special to share with someone like her that I'm pregnant, as she understands how huge of a miracle it is too.

I'm not sure where I was heading with this post! But I guess I was thinking, sometimes it is worth the risk being vulnerable as you never know, you might find someone who's been on a similar path too! (And it is kinda like a painfully special scar you share.)

Infertility- Links

Here are a couple posts I came across recently.

8 Ways to Support an Infertile Friend
- a simple and quick list, maybe something to share with others?

Seven,
- a post about seven years of dealing with infertility... so well written.
- from Life As Two

Random Ten Things at 10am

We have a team planning day ahead so let's see if I can squeeze a post in.

1. Saturday! How are you doing? Hope you have a good weekend. Are you doing anything with your man for Valentine's Day? We're not big V-Day types around here but we are thinking we might go have ice-cream tomorrow or something.

2. Check out this blog if you are into making crafty things for Valentines Day! There are so many crazy good ideas in here.

3. If you like photos and photography, check out this guy's stuff of his kids. They are such brilliant photos! Though I'm not sure how he does them. Helps that he is a professional photographer I guess haha... Here's his blog too if you want some recent/ongoing photos of them.

4. We have started a mini prayer network, called 'IF & When' at our church for those going through infertility and/or pregnancy loss... or just lots of waiting for children in general. I am so thankful that we have been able to do this and I'm hoping and praying that it will be a good support and encouragement to women at church and maybe even those in our community later on.

It is so exciting to see how God can use these hard and painful issues to connect some of us together...

5. My blog friend Heather wrote this beautiful post the other day. It is sort of along the same lines of a post I wrote a couple weeks ago, about how we, as wives, might feel about our husbands in this time of waiting for children.

6. I'm continually humbled by the number of people who have told me that they have been praying for the husband, baby and I. It is amazing. Thank you God for how sneakily and wonderfully You work!

I guess us being fairly open about our journey has allowed the information to be 'out there' so there are people who I don't know very well who have been thinking of us and praying for us. It means so much to me finding that out!

And it teaches me a thing or two because I really struggle to pray consistently for others, yikes. But anyway. Feeling very blessed.

** Pregnancy/Baby talk **

7. Our scan! It went very well. They checked on the baby's anatomy with so much detail. You could see so much (and we only did the normal scan, not the 3D one)... things look good... so relieved!

8. A boy! Very thankful that we got to find that out, as we were hoping to. We would've loved a girl too, so either is great of course. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't dreaming it up and just have some big grapefruit stuck in there. Honestly, yes was anxious. haha...

Yay!!!!! We kinda walked around in shock for a little while after. Is this for real?

9. So on Monday I make it to 20 weeks and that will be officially halfway. Ohmygosh. I kinda want the pregnancy to hurry up, so that I can meet this baby. I want to meet you! But I know I need to treasure these days too. So it is a funny feeling.

** Over and Out **

10. I'm feeling so much better but still tired a lot! Sigh... Hope you have had a good week? I'd better start getting ready. Think this was one of the fastest posts I've done. (Sorry if sentences are a bit choppy.) GO ME! Have a great weekend guys.

Fab Friends

It is the second week of the year already! I hope you had some time to relax before the new year kicked in.

A few weeks ago I spotted this great post by Amy (at Destination Life) she is a friend of Heather, who is a blog friend.

I have come to know a bit about Heather (she has dealt with IF too and is currently agonizingly waiting for their adoption process to progress) but I know nothing about Amy. All I know is that she is a wonderful friend and what she shared meant a lot to me.

I hope and pray you do or will have someone like her in your life. I have been fortunate to have a few whom I'm sure have had simlar feelings to Amy.

I think it is not easy being a friend to someone who has or is going through infertility and/or miscarriage. The stuff we feel and go through can be pretty intense and consuming and I can imagine can be a lot to try and empathise with.

So... this is a big THANK YOU to those of you who have been travelling alongside ones like myself. You are so appreciated!

Anyway. Go read her post.

And if you want you can also go and see how my other blog friend Grace is doing settling into life with her son whom they recently brought home from Korea! Very cute photos and super exciting.

A note to you.

A special note to IF friends and sisters, and others who are/have been waiting with me:

Hi there. Your support and encouragement has been invaluable to me.

SO. Now I have become one of "those" women, who tried almost everything, was on a break, applied for adoption, and got pregnant out of the blue. I am praying my story does not haunt and irritate other waiting-women for years to come- but I have no control over it (I'm sorry... sigh!).

At the same time, I know this story is a miracle. I have not tracked an ovulation for the three years we've been trying, besides when on fertility drugs. I mean, I have joked about an immaculate conception, but I feel like this comes pretty close and I'm so thankful for this. I'm also so aware that the fact that we've made it to 13 weeks and 2 days of pregnancy with no complications is another miracle, after the ones we've lost early.

I don't know why God has decided to show us such grace at this time, yes we have been praying and others too, but so have you for your child, so why me and not you, and why now and not before or later, who knows?

We don't take this for granted and we are trying our best to celebrate each day of it, while praying we can carry this one to term.

When I wrote 'unexpected journey' in the little blurb under my blog title I didn't really think of this extent of the unexpected! Gosh. Yet at the same time we've been praying for it so what else was I thinking? I'm also still keen to continue this blog so we'll see what happens.

I just wanted to acknowledge you and let you know that your support and prayers are what have sustained us and continue to be needed. I also want to keep caring for you so please let me know how best I can.

Love s

Married for Six Years!

(not us. stock photo.)

This past weekend, the husband and I celebrated our 6th year wedding anniversary. Woopwoop! We had breakfast together (at McDonald's haha) and also had a lovely dinner at a nice restaurant.

We have also started this random tradition of getting a gift for each other only on the day, where we go to a mall, set a budget (this year it was $20 each) and a time limit and go find a fun gift for each other. We wait (this part is his idea not mine!) until we get home (painful) and then we exchange it.

I think it came out of relieving each other of the pressure of getting anniversary gifts, figuring how much to spend, what to get, getting annoyed if one forgot haha, etc. Especially because our anniversary is pretty close to Christmas and the husband's birthday, this has been a fun activity we can do together and on the day of the anniversary itself.

This year the husband got me a lovely ornament from Redcurrent (very pretty store, love it) and a home decor magazine that had heaps of Christmas ideas in it (ahhh! Too many ideas now!), while I got him a Mini magazine (like the Mini as in the type of car) and a big bag of lollies/candy cos' his magazine was a special import from the UK and sorta used up most of the budget haha.

So here we are six years on. Crazy! It has also been the American Thanksgiving (even though we don't really celebrate it here in NZ some of my American friends do) so we've been thinking about what we are thankful for.

The husband and I are thankful to God for:

- good support from people around us this past year, like a counsellor who has given us his wisdom and time for free!
- a great team we work with who have been flexible with us and given us lots of grace when we need it...
- a marriage where we are each other's best friend and we enjoy each other's company
- a marriage that has endured some unexpected things like job dramas, grief, medical things, infertility, etc, yet remained on the same page on the whole,
- things He is continually doing in our lives that we don't have control over (ugh have to say I love/hate it!)
- to be honest, just overall survival of another year.

On another note... today I spotted a couple posts on (in)courage that were neat.
Here they are:

- Staying Sane this Christmas (I need this because this year I'm a bit overwhelmed by how fast it has come by!)
- The Depth of an Empty Womb (I know each of us is at different places in this journey, and this author feels like she can 'see the light' and while not everyone may feel like this yet, it is still a good reminder to focus on God's promises... even if we don't feel like it!)

My Talk-In-Front-of-Church Thingy

If you meet me in real life you'll immediately know I'm not an upfront-speak-to-crowd kind of person. That's why this past Sunday was especially scary and cool. Scary that I was sharing some of our story to the whole church, but cool that I got the opportunity to do it and hopefully it reached out to someone who maybe has been on a similar path.

My prayer was that I wouldn't cry and wouldn't cough. Neither of those are majorly life-threatening (in fact, I highly support crying) but I just knew it would be good for me (i.e. prevent mind block up on stage) in this case if I didn't. Thank God that it all went smoothly and I managed to hold of the crazy coughing for later.

Here's what I said:

Are you where you thought you would be a few years ago?

I'm sure many of you can understand what it is like to be on an unexpected journey.

I’m S. My husband J and I got married six years ago. In our third year into marriage we decided to start trying for a baby, little did we know what lay ahead.

 These past three years we have undergone eight rounds of fertility treatment, I have had two surgeries, we have gone on holiday, we have tried to relax, we have had less caffeine, we have taken more vitamins, we have lost weight, gained weight, exercised, not exercised, tried alternative methods, basically tried different things to get pregnant. [Managed to get a few laughs here...]

In this time we have conceived and sadly we have lost four little lives early on in pregnancy.

Where this journey is hardest, is all the unknowns... naive as it may sound, some days we feel like yelling, this is not what I signed up for!

Questions that we sometimes ask are: How long will we wait? Will we ever have children? What treatment should we pursue? How many rounds?

Should we even pursue treatment? How do we trust God to provide? When do we consider other options? How do we cope with this rollercoaster of hope and disappointment?

I acknowledge that J and I have been fortunate enough to get pregnant, but for us, the question is also, will we carry a baby to term?

As you can imagine infertility and pregnancy loss impacts marriage. Jason and I deal with these issues so differently, that it can be very difficult to be on the same page.

There is also a deep sense of grief and depression that exists when dealing with infertility and pregnancy loss. With infertility, you mourn the child you dreamt of having, the thought of having a family.

With miscarriage, you mourn the child you carried for a time but won't get to meet in this lifetime and the things you longed to experience with them... and for some couples you ache to provide a sibling to an existing child.

It is a hard one to escape as there are so many reminders around us of what we miss or don’t have. Events like Christmas, Easter, Mother's Day and Father's Day can be met with such mixed feelings for those of us on this journey. J and I are full of joy for loved ones around us but we also feel the pain of yet another year celebrating it without kids.

I share this with you because infertility or loss is real for many couples around us. They may be your friends, family or colleagues. They may be open with their journey or they may be more private.
If you and your spouse are going through this, [our church] would just like to let you know that we want to care for you.

We’re not sure what this looks like yet, but we would definitely like to pray for you and support you. We understand that this is a difficult journey so we want to provide a place where you feel you can feel safe about it. This may be in the shape of a group, meeting up for a coffee or maybe even just a regular email.

You can contact me blahblah, etc...

Thank you.

I was shaking when I did it and I shook even after I sat down next to the husband. I hope no one noticed haha.

It was especially neat because the message was on community and how to be caring for each other in a deeper and real way (Galatians um... somewhere in there... I obviously wasn't paying enough attention!) so my bit served as an introduction to the message. Felt pretty special!

Doing this meant so much to me. It also occured very strongly to me how cared for I am by people around me, and how supported I am by the church with this whole idea to set up a kind of support network for others dealing with infertility, pregnancy loss or related issues.

I'm praying that wherever you are and whatever stage you're at, that you will also have someone you can talk to or feel safe with on this journey, as it can just be such a peculiar one to understand.

Ten Things at 10 am

Today I'm starting at 8:30 am because maybe by 10am I'll actually be ready to post haha.

1. I had a wonderful time in Dunedin. It was great having a couple of days away from 'normal' life, spending time with my friend P, and checking out the little city. It was beautiful weather too which was a huge bonus as it can get cold down there!



One of the highlights was visiting the Cadbury factory... CHOCOLATE! Even though some of the original products are no longer made there, they still make lotsa fun stuff like the boxed chocolates and easter eggs. It was a fun tour and you get chocolate as the guide takes you through. yum.

(pointing is a bit off... )



(us in the sugar bowl... this is my fave pic!)

2. I've been thinking about how to explain infertility to others in a short and sweet way (if that's possible)... because I am giving a notice at church sometime soon to tell them about the church's desire to have a support group or network for those struggling with infertility and/or miscarriage loss. This is huge for me because those who know me know I'm not at all an upfront person, plus I'm pretty much baring my all by being up there!

However, I'm so thankful for this opportunity as this is something I'm excited about, but kinda freaked out at the same time. You can pray for the right words to say in that short time (like 2 mins), so that women for whom this is relevant to will feel safe and comfortable to maybe respond or at least feel cared for, and also that the rest of the church will gain bit more insight into this topic. Also if you have any good quotes or ideas, let me know!

3. Another blogger Heather posted about this video, Empty Arms. This has been on my resources page too but I thought to post about it again because it is just a really well done project.

It is a video that explains infertility so well... if you haven't seen it I encourage you too- there may be tears though! I also like how Heather puts it in her post where she said, "You guys all know that we are adopting, and though that is seen as a "resolution," the stamp of infertility on our hearts will never truly go away." I think she says it in such a succint way.

4. I have thought of posting the above video on my Facebook page just for some friends who may be interested to watch it or pass it on to others, but I'm still not really sure about it! As much as I have been super open about my journey, I also don't always know how much to say about infertility/miscarriage stuff on Facebook. Funny huh? Hmmmm. What do you think?

5. When I was in Dunedin I met a girl who'd been in foster care. It broke my heart to hear that her mom for various reasons was struggling to cope with her kids, and had to give two of them up to be taken care of by another family. This little girl was now back with her mother, but her brother is still with the care-giving family. What a mess. I am not here to judge but I'm just saying it was simply so impacting talking with this real life child who was in the midst of this. I don't dare to imagine the impact this is having on these children.

As the husband and I have been thinking through these situations linked to adoption, etc, it just really hit home and I wondered if God was just nudging me to slowly open my heart to the various ways I can parent one day, even if it is not conventional... not sure yet, but it was a conversation I'll remember!

6. Summer is on its way... so that means strawberries! Yay. Looking forward to more.

 7. Aren't peonies just so beautiful? I wanted peonies for my wedding but we couldn't get them at the time. They are such gorgeous flowers huh! These were some we spotted when I was down south.

8. Sammy's chicken-legs stretch. See what I mean?

9. About a week ago I finally finished lining some of our room curtains. Yeah I sewed the lining on by hand cos' it was quite thick and I'm not so used to how machines work still. Felt very accomplished. Um... think I've had this project on for like way too long! Anyway, very relieved to be finished. We haven't put them up yet but we'll get there hopefully haha... 

10. Rocky Road- Snickers RR on the left, and  and newly discovered Cookies 'N Cream RR on the right. I found the 'original' Snickers recipe in a Women's Weekly Cookbook (great books). They were an instant hit with the girls.

Recently, I stole some inspiration from my friend K and made this Cookies 'N Cream one. So awesome. These are great treats for bringing over to parties or as gifts! Let me know if you want either recipe. (Sometimes I take a while to email you but I do do it eventually haha...)

Thanks for reading! Have a great day.

(oOPS. We were cleaning as I typed this off and on. Now it is 11. ha.)

Phew.

I survived my 21 km! Thanks for all the support you guys. I had a lovely crew who cheered me on. It was so hard- I hit a wall unexpectedly earlier than planned, then it was survival-mode from then on. I'm proud to say I didn't walk and I still did it in a great time for my standards. I made it in 2 hours 7 mins!

Thank you God for helping me through one of the longest two hours ever! Still felt great at the end though.

 (Running photos are terrible and one day I will post a photo of me NOT in running gear cos' I'm really not as hard-core-sporty as it looks. I picked this because the guy behind is walking so it makes me look good. I really struggled on the Harbour Bridge, but they closed the lane just for us so I tried to make the most of it! haha.)

Probably because of the big run, I've been pretty tired these last couple days, and that will be my excuse for having a sorta hard couple of days. It has been busy at work overall too.

Well... that and I noticed a Facebook pregnancy announcement this morning (man oh man maybe I do need to just not use it...Oh Lord how many more, please help me), and the husband has kicked off his Mo-vember campaign (hahaha... sigh... poor me poor me), so it is great timing to be LEAVING Auckland for a couple days. I'm visiting a dear friend in Dunedin (all the way down in the South Island!). I'm excited about that and I'm sure we'll have a fun time. woopwoop.

(map of nz! top red dot is auckland and bottom one is dunedin!)

It'll just be nice to spend time with her, be seeing new sights and be AWAY from normal life for a short time. I will miss the husband though. I think cos' it has been a difficult time for us this past year, I find it hard being apart from him! I know sounds so needy but it is totally the truth- I've become super clingy in a random kind of way. SAD. Sigh. haha.

Anyway. Gotta go get the bags ready. Hope you are having a good week and all you North Americans had a fun Halloween!

Facebook... sigh...

I found this news article about those going though infertility and handling Facebook pregnancy announcements at Untangle Me.

Totally. I do like using Facebook to keep in touch with friends but I've hidden one or two people because I can't handle their comments on their ongoing pregnancy. I like them and I'm happy for them but it is too hard to have dangling in front of you whenever you open Facebook.

Yet do you find yourself clicking through all their photos during pregnancy and even after the birth? Oh gosh yes. I guess I'm so intrigued and so fascinated by what I cannot have or my body won't do.

The initial announcement is hard. I do understand the desire to celebrate and share the news with everyone. I'm sure I'd want to do that too, to some extent, if I were pregnant, but I can't always handle it on the receiving end because of where I'm at.

I'm sure posts like this sounds quite self-centered. After all, pregnancy news is good stuff. She's having a baby!

I get that. But since when is this journey rational? At the end of the day, it hurts. It feels unfair. It feels like you're being overtaken yet again. It feels like you are being left behind. It feels like you're not good enough.

You're still waiting. You exist in two worlds- the world where you are okay and you are celebrating with them, and you mean it and then there's the world where you feel so jealous, so freaking frustrated that it is not your announcement.

They say it doesn't really get 'easier' though... for those who have gone through infertility and whether or not you do end up having kids, they say the stab to the heart or the slight lurch of the stomach still will be there, but I think I'm hoping I get better at handling it and start to have some better ways to cope? Let's keep hoping.

Weeping into the pillow before bed isn't the greatest on the eyes the next morning, nor is randomly freaking out on the inside how much you hate your body that great for the general well-being. (Not always. But we have Issues. I know.)

Anyway. So what should we do? There's gotta be a way to function like semi-normal. A list would be great of course.

1. Don't use Facebook. (Easier said than done.)

2. As the article mentioned, use the 'hide' option. It is there, why not? (If only there was that option in real life!)

3. Collect a couple trusted friends to warn you if they know there is an 'announcement' coming.

4. Look at every friend on your list who is married and tell yourself that they may be pregnant soon... this sounds ridiculous, but may help to reduce shock-factor. (This was a tip a friend of mine shared with me. She's also been through a rough time with infertility and I thought this was helpful. )

5. If you know friends are trying to conceive or just pregnant and you are okay enough to converse with them about your journey, ask them if they can let you know when they are going to announce the news to the rest of the world- so you can brace yourself for conversations, etc. Explain how it can help to know beforehand.

(I've found that being open with my journey has helped my friends be more aware of how to be sensitive, though it can make me feel super vulnerable at times... I'm really thankful for them.)

Obviously it is not our 'right' to know early or know at all so there will still be tricky ones, but this can help.

6. Pray that God will help you grow a THICK thick skin, protect your heart from the envy and focus on the right things. (Pray also for a bigger picture perspective. So needed but so hard.)

Umm... Okay so there are not that many ways to prevent this. I'm sorry.

Let me know if you've found anything else that may make it better...

Ten Things at (not really) 10 am (more like 12pm)

The fastest way for me to post is to list. So here I go. This is a jumbly list of things.

1. This weekend is a long weekend for us here in NZ- Labour Day. It has also been quite sunny! Loving it. Yay for warmth!

2. However, I haven't been feeling all that wonderful. I'm not sure if I have allergies or am just run-down. I'm yawning by 9pm and crawling into bed by 9:30pm! Grrrr. Thankful for not having to work tomorrow though.

3. I have started to get quite depressed about supermarket-ting. I used to like it but now it comes with such dread! (Maybe because I'm terrible at writing a shopping list... cos' it all depends on what is on discount! You know what I mean?)

It is such a big job... walking your socks off, pushing big bafoony trolley/cart around, dodging other shoppers and avoiding aisle-rage, spending a TON of money that doesn't look worth your wares, loading it into the car, then unloading it all, stocking the pantry, then doing it all again in a couple weeks.

Now I make sure I buy ONE SNACK THING as a reward, cos' I'm often starving from all the mental, physical and emotional energy I've invested into the trip... so I eat it when I've loaded the car and got in my car and BREATHE. Then start the journey home.  Yesterday I ate a banana. Not very exciting I know but still good haha...

4. My friend Ruth mentioned making cards recently on her blog... this inspired me to make some the other day. I'm not very hard-core (like not at all a proper scrapbooker-type) about it but I just make the most of random things I have, like fabric.

(as you can see, i like hearts!)

There are lots of birthdays (and a wedding) that have been going on this month. I'm already late for some, ugh terrible I know. This is also a good money saving thingy (which I'm trying to do!) as I can get super carried away buying cards and gifts, etc.

5. My blogger friend Grace and her husband are adopting and waiting for their child to come home to them. She finally has just heard some good news... it is possible that she will be able to bring him home from Korea in 6 to 9 weeks. SO STOKED FOR THEM!

6. Heather at reach in, reach out, reach up posted about some myths about infertility. This is a great post... I myself may have said stuff like this to others before experiencing infertility myself and I understand that with IF and loss, sometimes there really is never anything to say that is good or helps... but at least avoiding the really bad ones is a plus. (At the moment one of the hard ones for me is wondering if people think that adoption is our new fertility treatment. It is not.)

7. My super friend C has been celebrating her birthday this weekend! Happy Birthday!

8. I'm running a half-marathon in a week. I have to admit I'm quite worried about it. Am I prepared enough? Will I survive? Have I set too high of a goal? AHHH... I'm also raising money while I run, for the Heart Foundation. If you'd like to donate, click here. (Don't laugh, I've been pretty laidback about the fundraising.)

9. IF stuff never leaves me... I often randomly count the number of people I know who are pregnant. Do you? I hate that I do this as it is just plain ol' torture... but I can't help it. It is reaching the point where 80-90% of my friends are either pregnant or have kids or are 'trying'... I wonder if you ever get used to it.

10. Right now, the husband is vacuuming. Yes! I am so thankful for him. haha.

Have a good weekend.

Hello There!

(not my bear)

Hi there to everyone who's coming by via IComLeavWe (International Comment Leaving Week) October 2010! This is my first time participating, so I'm quite excited.

If you'd like to know about my IF stuff, you can go to My Infertility History.

If you'd just like a gist of everything, you can go to Welcome/Quick-start.

Here's some random stuff about me:
1. I'm writing this from a fitness centre in Auckland, New Zealand. I've lived here for almost 10 years though I grew up in Singapore and am from Singporean-Chinese background.
2. I'm married to a Canadian.
3. This morning we forgot to feed the dog- the husband thought I did and I thought he did.
4. The dog has been a  lot of work, though we really like him... but that's for another post.
5. I love Japanese food... I just love a lot of food in general.
6. I flinched when I heard that Alicia Keys had her baby, cos' I didn't know she was pregnant. And I double-flinched when I heard that Beyonce is now pregnant*. Totally jealous. Sigh... Secretly don't want to listen to their music to 'punish' them for being 'fertile'.
7. I just wrote two posts related to how much I LOVE shopping (one here and one somewhere else) which is so hilarious because in real life the husband and I have had talks about 'finances' just this week and shopping is SO NOT ALLOWED. Well he didn't say that but I think that is a probable conclusion.

Okay I'll stop here.

Thanks for stopping by!

*Edit: Hold your horses... I've been told this might be a rumour only.

'Just Looking'

Shopping makes me feel gooooood.

I totally love walking into a mall with a couple hours to myself and browsing what's in it. Whether it is because I enjoy clothes, am a visual person, am always on the prowl for a bargain, or just plain materialistic... I'm not sure. But I'm one of those people who savours breathing in the smell of air-conditioning mixed with floor cleaner mixed with food court Chinese and freshly brewed coffee, when you first step into the sliding doors of new malls.

If one day I go missing, you'll find me buried behind a sale rack.

AAAhhhhh bliss.

But let's be honest. Malls are hard for the IF-er...

I love this post by Beckie where she talks about going into baby sections in shops, etc. She expresses it so well.

As time has gone on, I've been able to refrain from doing this as it is too painful, unless I have good excuses to do it like if there's a sale, then I go and have a look for something for presents and if there's an upcoming birth, etc.

However, I do sometimes find myself wandering around (Pumpkin Patch and Cotton On Kids are some of my faves) in there just embracing the sweet and succulent dream that one day I too will be able to buy something for my child. I soak in all the things I would buy with my eyes and pretend that I'm just having a 'quick look'. I wonder if shop assistants know...

I haven't bought any baby stuff yet, miraculously I have managed to not, however, my problem is with my own clothes. The only maternity thing I have in my drawers is a set of maternity swimwear, which is easy enough to shove to the back (not really, but let's keep pretending).

Where I have 'shopped in faith' is I've bought those tops that have recently been in fashion the last couple years, you know the ones where the part under the bust is gathered or just overall baggier... with the thought of possibly being pregnant in mind.

They are still cute clothes of course, and no one would know that some were bought with the thought of a future pregnancy... but I KNOW. I even did this only a couple months ago (just before our last round) and now that one-size-bigger-so-now-too-baggy top is laughing at me no when one is looking. (The bonus is that it is a bit longer so it hides my butt well. uh huh.)

I thought I was being practical and yes, truth is that it was also my expression of hope.

Which brings us back to the same-old-same-old deal: HOPE- what do we do with it?

I like how Beckie puts it so succinctly when she describes the baby-section-browsing as a double-edged sword. This is a brilliant way of describing almost everything to do with infertility really.

She Said It Better - Some Stuff On Loss...

I noticed while looking around online the other day that October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day in the US! What interesting timing, as this topic had just been particularly on my mind too...

Today's post looks a bit long but I'm sharing couple links and a thing that I copy-pasted... If you skip the links, do read the copy-paste bit below, as I found it pretty powerful.

I'm thinking a lot around the idea of life in the womb... I have found it so difficult to get my head around it. Like I do believe life starts at conception, but when it is your own and when you miscarry at an early stage, like five weeks, it is just hard to know what to think of it or how to feel... because it seemed so unreal.

Anyway, there were a couple of good posts that came up on (in)courage again that made me confront this issue a bit more. They are not actually about miscarriage, so not directly related, but at the core of it these women would've had to sort out their thoughts too.

• She Made Me a Mommy With Hope, by Teske Drake- She carried on with her pregnancy knowing the baby was not going to do well...
• Face to Face, by Heather Gemmen Wilson- She had one of her children as a result of rape... and has faced judgement from others...

Both women have gone on to impact others as a result of their experience and it is fascinating to see what God has done with it.

If you have gone through miscarriage and pregnancy/baby loss (or are friends with someone who is) I hope the following is encouraging to you too. I know it may be really hard to read but it spoke to me deeply and maybe it will to you too.

This is from a 'Double Daily Portion' email that I get from Sarah's Laughter (a resourcing ministry for infertility/loss). The writer/founder, Beth Forbus, is gifted at writing from a biblical and empathetic perspective. I have found it hard but soothing to read. This was sent out specifically for this week to acknowledge October 15th.

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Why does it hurt so badly to lose a baby? Even one only a few weeks post-conception? The answer, my friend, is actually pretty simple. That tiny, little baby—even if he or she was no more than a few cells—was created in the very image and likeness of God Almighty! Oh, the preciousness of this tiny little creature! For a short time, your mortal frame, or that of your spouse, housed the very image and likeness of God Himself.

We can only imagine what God looks like. We are told in Scripture that if we were able to look at Him with human eyes that we simply could not take it and we’d fall dead (Exodus 33:20). However, He found a way to give us a glimpse of Himself. He created us in His image and in His likeness. Not exactly like him. He may not have green eyes and brown hair like me, but I’ve been created in His image and His likeness. Your baby was too, and this makes your baby precious. Oh, the unfathomable worth of the child who has God’s fingerprints all over them!

God even says “Before I formed you in your mother’s womb, I knew you”. He doesn’t saunter into a delivery room and look as a newborn takes its first breath and say “Thanks, doc. I’ll take it from here!” Birth is not a prerequisite for God’s protection, God’s love or God’s involvement in your baby’s life. Before your baby was conceived in your body, he or she was already conceived in the heart and mind of God. Before you loved your child, God loved your baby. Before you prepared your nursery, God had already prepared a place. Before you knew you’d lay down your life to save your baby, God laid down His life to save his or her soul. God never planned on waiting until your baby was born to know and love your baby.

God still loves you. Even though He has allowed you to walk through the devastation of miscarriage. He offers you His comfort and His healing. You can pour out your heart to God and He’ll understand. When friends, family, and even your spouse can’t bear to see your tears anymore, God has incredibly broad shoulders for you to cry on and strong arms for you to fall into. Lay your head on His chest and hear His heart beating. A heart that broke just like yours has.

As you find comfort in the bosom of Love Himself, don’t forget to look into His eyes and see the promise of a heavenly and eternal reunion with your child. One that will not end in miscarriage. No SIDS allowed inside the gates of pearl! No stilled heartbeats. No blighted ovums. No spontaneous abortions. No grief. No sadness. Just an eternity with the child you’ve held in your heart so much longer than in your body! And an eternity with a God who loved you enough to orchestrate the death of His only Son to provide a way to reunite you with your child.

There is no doubt that Heaven will be an incredible place that defies the description of man. Never in our wildest imagination could we begin to come close to imagining what God has in store for those who love Him and have received His gift of salvation. Psalm 127 tells us that children are a gift and a reward. If you are a Christian, your gift is unopened, waiting for your arrival in Heaven. What joy your heavenly reunion with your child will bring! Perhaps the only place you ever saw your baby was on a positive pregnancy test or on a stilled sonogram screen.

Child of God, you will see your baby one day! You’ll see the expressions on their face, smell their fragrance, and hear that precious voice in the place that God has prepared. Was a hospital room the only place you were ever able to hold your stilled child in your arms? One day, because of the sacrifice of Calvary you’ll explore together all that Heaven has to offer. For the child of God these are great and precious promises.

Not only are you assured an eternity with the baby you have loved and lost, but even more importantly, you will be with the God who loved you enough to sacrifice His baby to allow you an eternity with yours. All you have to do is accept His salvation and with a joyful, redeemed heart join Him at His home. He—and your child—are waiting for you there.

(c) 2008 Sarah’s Laughter-Christian Support for Infertility & Child Loss

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 If you think these words may also comfort someone else you know... do send it on!

Thanks for reading...

No Simple Way Around It- Miscarriage Realities

(Magnolia- pic not really relevant to post but I just love magnolias! So pretty.)

This past week a friend went through a hard time. Even though I've been through some stuff similar to her experience, there is nothing to say that will make it better. I am still helpless. So sorry, girl.

I'm thankful that I had the week off so we got to hang out for a few hours one afternoon. I feel priviledged that we got to have some good conversation, even in the sadness. We connected on quite a few things, and even though she has appreciated that I am able to be there for her (and I'm so glad), in an odd way, it was actually like she was there for me also, dealing with my stuff too.

Here are things I'm learning after thinking through my own early miscarriages/pregnancy loss (before 12 weeks, because that's what I know about)... I know not everyone goes through the same thing, so I understand if it doesn't ring true with everyone.

1. Usually it is easiest to blame yourself- even I didn't say it, I thought it. Like thinking, I skipped rope before I found out, I ate that weird thing, I was too hot, I had that sip of wine, etc. NO YOU DIDN'T CAUSE IT. (Unless you abuse your body in an obvious way like with drug addiction, reasons for early miscarriage are still not medically clear and they don't know how to prevent it. Don't let others or old wives' tales tell you otherwise.)

2. It is hard to know how to think about the little life that was in you. It is easier to think of it as a vague entity, but it was life. Yet we think it wasn't 'fully' a baby, so how do we acknowledge it? Sometimes it is easier to not think of it as your child, but it was. It was wanted. It was God's creation. (Safe in the Arms of God looks at the biblical basis of this if you want a book on it, by John MacArthur.)

3. It affects your marriage. Wives and husbands deal with it differently and it is not easy to know how to communicate about it. I feel like sometimes it is the whole 'circular effect' of not wanting to hurt the other spouse or see them cry, so we either don't bring it up or try to be brave and bear with it, but we end up avoiding it or miscommunicating somehow... (There's lots of resources on grief and the impact on marriage too.)

4. It surprises you how lost you feel. You didn't realise you could be attached or feel love for something you had not seen, met or, in some cases, felt.

5. Morning sickness may continue after the loss... and this is a difficult physical reminder.

6. There is shock because it all unfolds fairly quickly. You were pregnant, now you are not. What are you going to do with the plans, real or vague ones, that you made?

7. You kinda don't want to make a 'big deal' out of it but it rocks your world. For some just a little, for some a little more. There are now a lot of "What ifs". What if I get pregnant again, what if I miscarry again, what if... It may also bring out other insecurities, like what if all your friends or sisters 'over-take' you and become moms before you, have their second and third children even, etc... that is normal. There are no easy answers to these, just continue to bring them before God.

8. You don't know what to tell people- if you've been away from work, if you've already told some friends about your pregnancy, if you need to tell your mother she isn't going to be a grandma etc.

9. You don't know how others will react and you can be sensitive about comments... we brace ourselves for the comments that may be awkward, or make us feel angry or like it was our fault. Hopefully none come.

10. There are lots of questions for God, and not always sufficient good answers. You try not to think about it too much but you sorta can't help it either.

11. Time will help the intensity to ease. There may always be random things that will always remind you of your pregnancy and the loss, and this is normal so don't feel silly, and it does get easier over time.

12. It makes you so so so thankful for loving friends and family. Some may have been in the same position too and some not, regardless of that, their encouragement and support means so much and you realise how much you need them. If you have kept it all very private, sometimes it does help to share it with a close friend or family member whom you trust.

13. It helps to 'let it out' somewhere. For me, I have a journal where I 'write to God'. Some days I had lots to say to God and some days I didn't-  I write sad things, angry things, glad things. Counselling also provided me with good guidance when my grief seemed to be quite overwhelming or when it was affecting me in a way that was more than what close friends and family could help me with. Going for a walk and listening to music or just letting yourself weep was also fairly therapeutic.

I found this book, Free to Grieve, by Maureen Rank, good too. (They had it at the North Shore's Albany Library...)