I totally love walking into a mall with a couple hours to myself and browsing what's in it. Whether it is because I enjoy clothes, am a visual person, am always on the prowl for a bargain, or just plain materialistic... I'm not sure. But I'm one of those people who savours breathing in the smell of air-conditioning mixed with floor cleaner mixed with food court Chinese and freshly brewed coffee, when you first step into the sliding doors of new malls.
If one day I go missing, you'll find me buried behind a sale rack.
AAAhhhhh bliss.
But let's be honest. Malls are hard for the IF-er...
I love this post by Beckie where she talks about going into baby sections in shops, etc. She expresses it so well.
As time has gone on, I've been able to refrain from doing this as it is too painful, unless I have good excuses to do it like if there's a sale, then I go and have a look for something for presents and if there's an upcoming birth, etc.
However, I do sometimes find myself wandering around (Pumpkin Patch and Cotton On Kids are some of my faves) in there just embracing the sweet and succulent dream that one day I too will be able to buy something for my child. I soak in all the things I would buy with my eyes and pretend that I'm just having a 'quick look'. I wonder if shop assistants know...
I haven't bought any baby stuff yet, miraculously I have managed to not, however, my problem is with my own clothes. The only maternity thing I have in my drawers is a set of maternity swimwear, which is easy enough to shove to the back (not really, but let's keep pretending).
Where I have 'shopped in faith' is I've bought those tops that have recently been in fashion the last couple years, you know the ones where the part under the bust is gathered or just overall baggier... with the thought of possibly being pregnant in mind.
They are still cute clothes of course, and no one would know that some were bought with the thought of a future pregnancy... but I KNOW. I even did this only a couple months ago (just before our last round) and now that one-size-bigger-so-now-too-baggy top is laughing at me no when one is looking. (The bonus is that it is a bit longer so it hides my butt well. uh huh.)
I thought I was being practical and yes, truth is that it was also my expression of hope.
Which brings us back to the same-old-same-old deal: HOPE- what do we do with it?
I like how Beckie puts it so succinctly when she describes the baby-section-browsing as a double-edged sword. This is a brilliant way of describing almost everything to do with infertility really.
2 comments:
I've been thinking about hope today too, (but about pretty insignificant issues by comparison - jobs, houses etc.) and you're so right when you ask 'what do we do with it?' We need hope, because that's what pulls us into the future and gives us something to live for and hold on to, but I don't want my hope to look like I'm trusting God for something He's never necessarily promised. I'm hoping, but sometimes I wonder whether that's stopping me from acting differently in the now. But that seems really negative and fatalistic when there's often good reason to hope and we have a good God who does answer prayers and bring blessings into our lives. Aaagghhh, such a tricky one.
I also did that when we were actively TTC. I bought bigger jeans/clothes thinking that they'd fit me later on when I got pregnant. I even bought a pair of bigger-sized boots on a discount with that in mind. I can still wear the loose jeans in winter ('coz it can get as cold as -35'C here) when I have to wear layers of clothing, but I haven't been able to wear the boots. I'm even thinking of trying to sell the boots.
Hope is really a tricky thing in this IF world. You want to keep hoping just a little bit (esp. 'coz I'm not nearing menopause yet), but I don't want to keep it too high 'coz then it'll be too painful when it drops me to the ground.
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