Saturday, April 20, 2013

Deep Breath

Toby and I went to the park yesterday. It was nice to do that as it was a rare clear day in a week of lots of rain.

Toby loves being let loose to wander and so I let him but it means I have to wait and watch a lot as he checks things out. We call it 'going for a walk' but it really is more of a two steps forward and three steps to the side, off the path kinda thing.

Often we hang with some friends first at the playground before we set off on our way to feed the ducks at the pond. Then the zigzaggy wandering begins.

Yesterday we ran around in the field. We do this every now and then where we fake-chase a ball and Toby just runs towards it and lies down in the grass every two seconds. There is a lot of tickled laughter and it is the kind of time that fills your heart with joy.

I lay down in the grass too and took a few deep breaths to soak in the moment. It was so fun to turn and see my little man next to me staring back amongst the green blades. It has been a while since I've felt energetic enough to do this!

I kinda wished I had my camera but I was also happy I didn't as it was the kind of time you knew you'd miss if I had been busy trying to catch a perfect shot. Which I would've been doing.

Being under the expanse of His sky and rolling, jumping and laughing on His earth, with his precious provision to me, my son Toby. I needed these deep breaths of air to remind me. We are okay. God is huge.

I struggle to converse with God at these stages of grief. It is like I can't look Him in the eye. Just for now. But I will get there.

We were going to have a baby in November. In the three short weeks we knew, we were already planning how it was all going to be. So much of it was unsaid but we also spoke freely of room arrangements and fun ways to announce the baby. We were so excited!

I don't think we took it for granted, we were just confident this time. My blood test results were good and I was feeling awful. The signs were spot on so we were sure it would continue. So sure.

The bad news that the baby had no heartbeat came at a dating scan. I was there to find out the date he or she would arrive. The husband couldn't attend and we didn't even feel too much of a need to reschedule.

Thankfully our awesome friend Ch came along. The possibility of having no heartbeat had occurred to me in a tiny corner of my head but I was trying to be positive. I think I just was hoping I could be a 'normal person' with this pregnancy for once. Unfair.

We'd jumped through this one miracle hoop of conception and so surely this second miracle hoop would be cleared? Not so.

I run out of words to describe how it feels to get the news. Frozen. Fuzzy. Heartbroken. Those give it a bit of a picture but I think most of us have an idea of that 'time stands still' feeling when you receive awful news.

It is two days today after the D and C. I feel like I don't know what to do next. I'm trying my best to plan small but fun things to look forward to but there are already so many reminders of what I won't be looking forward to and not holding in November, that am a little lost. Pregnant strangers are everywhere.

On another level we have moved on with normal daily life as Toby needs us and a toddler's routine can sort of rule. I love it and I love our time with him. It definitely has been different with having one child, than when you have none and are going through a miscarriage. There is a sense of moving on that is quick.

Yet the echoey quiet of the hollow in your belly is still there and very real.

Regardless, my baby was a miracle baby. A perfect peanut shape on the scan at eight weeks. So large (to me) and so clearly present in our lives. It stormed in unexpectedly and so we desired it to be. Like his/her siblings, I wish he or she could've stayed.

The husband and I are a little confused. Despite having travelled this road before the sadness is still fresh and the sensitive heart is difficult to navigate. My uncomfortable and awful morning sickness is now fading and yet I want to rewind and have it all back. I want my child. I am missing him.

Today we bought a teddy bear to remember this precious baby by. Now we have five beautiful bears in our room and one special boy we do get to see grow, cuddle and be with.

Crying out for comfort tonight, Lord.