Tuesday, July 02, 2013

She was a Her

It has been about two months since that last post.

I celebrated my 31st birthday 6 days after my D&C. It was a little odd celebrating after being in a bit of a sadness haze, but it was still great and I was spoilt with lots of love.

We have since found out that my pregnancy was a partial-molar pregnancy. It gives some clarity as to why my HCG levels were high and also a reason why the pregnancy did not sustain. That was what we wanted- a reason. But we didn't want more...

The more difficult part to deal with are that we are not to get pregnant for 6-12 months, as it could complicate things. It is for good reason of course, but for us it was a bit of a stomp in the face when we heard it from the nurse, as we just were not expecting to have extra to deal with after the miscarriage.

I think for most who have gone through infertility... being told you could not try for a baby for possibly up to a year is a bit of a nightmare!

Thankfully I've been well taken care of by the hospital and the follow-up blood tests have been indicative of my HCG/tumour levels going down. We are praying this continues!

Weirdly enough, it really helps that we have something to do each week to deal with the 'wait' and I get a phone call following each blood test. My weekly blood tests have become part of my weekly schedule.

Toby and I have a little routine after a Mainly Music session, where he knows where we are going, he gets something to eat and sits in the corner on the floor (no extra chairs usually in the actual room where they poke you). He knows I get and 'owie' and then a 'band-aid'. He sort of lightens the mood and that always is a good thing too.

Honestly, I've been a terrified of pregnancy announcements of those who are due around the same time I would've been. They haven't been fun and I cringe everytime I think I spot one or a photo of one on Facebook... but everyone's allowed to do what they do and I think God is sustaining me and keeping my skin thick generally.

The one big thing we got to find out was that our tiny baby was a girl. This was so lovely to know and I was so delighted, and yet it was one of the hardest things to absorb too. I praise God for her, yet I am simply gutted also.

We have since named her and also named the previous the babies we have not gotten to meet. This was not the easiest thing to do, as we didn't know that much about the other pregnancies. But we wanted to acknowledge them as lives, and a thought that stayed with me was also that if we don't ever get to have another live child, it would be special for Toby to have some sense of our family experience and history. I believe they were still gifts from God even if I didn't get to meet them. I know this is a tricky one but I choose to think of them that way.

We also planted a tree with some remains we got from the hospital. This is the first time we've been able to do it and it has been really special. I think it has given us some sense of closure, being able to do something to commemorate and remember her by.

It is hard not to count the weeks/months until we can try again, so feels a bit like 'infertility mode' again with all that math. But we're doing well. Toby just turned two (TWO?!!) this past week so that has been a big deal around here.

Time for a cup of tea.