How Great Is Our God... at showing up in unexpected ways

Last week we watched a Louie Giglio (guy who founded Passion Conferences, etc.) DVD at our church small group called 'How Great Is Our God'... if you want to watch it too, I think this is it here.

He goes through some super mind-blowing stuff about astronomy, genetics and biology, etc... nothing I will be able to paraphrase well so go watch/listen to it yourself if you want to.

What got me though was this bit he got to about conception and babies. Yes. When he started on it I was like, OH NO.

I can't do this... please don't linger on this topic. I know a baby is a miracle I know that. I don't need you to tell me more about how awesome it is because I might just start bawling in the middle of this room and it might just be a tad awkward. Yes I have great friends here, but their husbands may not know what to do and I really don't need to stop everyone in mid-bite of chocolate-chip cookie, etc...

Then it got to about 22:40 into this message and I really was squirming on the inside... but I felt God's gentle nudge.

Mr Giglio showed a picture of a 3-day old embryo or 16-cell embryo. It really got my attention. It was beautiful! It was so intentional and so 'wonderfully-made' even at that stage.

Even though I'd seen pictures like this before, maybe because of being exposed to the world of infertility and IVF, this one really struck me. I think it is cos' I've been asking all these questions on how to understand the beginning of life, and how do I think about these little baby buds of life that I have lost through miscarriage?

I think it just seemed like God was reminding me that all creation IS HIS...

It all belongs to Him- whatever age, whatever stage of life, etc.

Louie also went on to read from Psalm 33 where verse 15 says, "He who forms the hearts of all..."

Can I tell you how crazy meaningful that verse is to me? Definitely was trying not to show too much reaction or break down at this point and keep eating the buttered slice of date loaf I was using as a decoy.

You see...

Last October when we were expecting Baby N (yes I'm going to use that word 'expecting' even though it is hard...) I read and re-read that verse all the time because Baby N had a good heartbeat and that was what we had to hold on to for hope.

Yes. One year ago I was pregnant and for me there are reminders of this everywhere. Where do I hide?

But I think God just reminded me that He is taking care of it all.

Taking care of EVERYTHING, including questions and emotions my puny brain and heart is struggling to keep from spilling over... and taking care of those little lives I miss and don't know how to think about... taking care of the infertility and adoption issues...

O Lord thank you for meeting me in the unexpected places...

Unfinished Business

Kutless sings this song called "I'm Still Yours" and in it there are beautiful lines, some are similar to questions that I have also been asking myself these past few years...

When my life is not what I expected

The plans I made have failed

When there’s nothing left to steal me away

Will You be enough for me?

Will my broken heart still sing?

(More lyrics here.)

And I think the truth is that it will remain a question. I will continue to ask that of myself- and have to make that daily decision quite possibly for the rest of my life.
 
Don't get me wrong, I don't doubt my relationship with Christ and His love for us. My view of God has not been shaken and in fact, my understanding of Him has deepened.

He is a faithful God, but what about me?
 
I still remain a broken person, full of crap-o-la baggage, so it doesn't mean that it makes it any easier to trust Him in the times when things are so not what you thought they should be and you have no control over it. You know what I mean?
 
...
 
I love that the song ends with the whole idea that regardless of my response to God... I'm still Yours.

His infinite wide arms of grace overpowers my small whatevers.
 
Have a listen. Hope it speaks to you too.

Guessing Games

Sometimes I wonder what people think of me. Um... hold on. Sometimes? Maybe more like very often. Being 'not good enough' is a big fear of mine. (I have a lot of thoughts on that topic of 'significance'... but we'll leave it for another day haha.) With infertility stuff, this takes a slightly different form.

More specifically what I'm thinking about today is that I think about reasons others may think of about why I don't have children yet. Do you do this too?

I think I do it because if I'm honest, I am sure I did this to others when I was younger and less experienced with life. I wondered why they didn't have kids and sort of guessed answers for them. It is that whole thing of wanting answers, almost any answers. As if God's plans need my defending.

These same reasons now sometimes float around in my head and they are tempting to believe in as it would give me something. SOMETHING. To answer the Question of Why. Here's a sample:

• I'm not motherly enough. I'm not going to be a good mother. That's why I can't have kids...
• I'm not good with kids, I won't be good with mine...
• I can't handle things I've already been given (like housework haha), so I don't have the 'capacity' (sorta hate that word) to be a mother, as that is a lot of work.
• I'm not a multi-tasker and mothers need to be able to do that...
• Something's going to happen to us. What would happen to the baby if we had one?

Depressing right?! I know, but they hit close to home, and I think sometimes I want to guess God's mind, and so I bring Him down to my level, and I conclude that, "That's it! Those must be the reasons."

At times I try to come up with holier reasons, like the work I do will be more impactful if somehow I don't have kids, as they are distracting blah blah. (As if it isn't distracting now...)

Thankfully God is larger than all my winces, whimpers and whines. I love that He is a God of exactly that- all my unending random thoughts and insecurities. All my ugly criticisms. GRRRR. All my desperate grasps for more answers...

Anyway, I wanted to share this because I just thought if some days you think like this too, you are not alone. Oh Lord help me to dwell on what is right and true!

(Used this photo before. But thought I'd use it again. Just so ugly that it makes me laugh!)

huh?- questions questions...

I had a laparoscopy (ovarian drilling cos' of PCOS) over a year ago. Recently the topic came up with a friend in similar shoes which sparked off some thoughts for me in the last couple days... slightly messy ones and pretty much unrelated to the actual procedure but here goes:

1)
When I had a laparoscopy done, I remember being really stuck on the whole idea that I had to have surgery in order to attempt to have kids naturally. It really stumped me and to some extent, still does. I don't know why this seemed more major than pumping drugs into my system to help me ovulate... anyway, I guess it was just a very in-your-face reminder of my fertility status and all the questions (WHY do I need to manipulate my body so harshly for it to even try to ovulate? You're supposed to go to the hospital to deliver your baby not to have someone drill your ovaries as a pre-cursor to the possibility ovulation which is pre-babymaking, which is pre-pregnancy, which is pre-baby. In other words, a big fat "THIS IS UNFAIR." - Don't really swear but have been very tempted to.) that come with it.

2)
Speaking of questions... As a Christian dealing with infertility, at every step and angle we seem to be faced with the overriding questions- Do I let God deal with this and wait for some special indication? Or do I step out in faith and hope and use the resources (brain, etc) He's provided to make the best decision we/I know at this point in time? Or is the second question pretty much the answer to my first question?

These are common questions as a Christian and are not too bad at first glance, but I've noticed they get more frequent and hard when you are in the midst of infertility stuff... Like when you have a demanding voice on the other end of the telephone asking you if you want to take the appointment for publicly-funded (free, yes thankyou, I get it) day-surgery or not and you only have those five seconds to make that decision.

Oh yeah, sure you may have already discussed it with your husband, but what about work, you know there is important close to the date she's just barked at you, so is that an indication to push it and trust that another date will come up, or what? How long do I clear the schedule for? General anesthetic still takes a while to wear off... Does it matter? Do I tell people? Will it work? What does God think? Was I listening to my own 'desperation' rather than waiting for God's timing? What does the phrase 'God's timing' mean anyway?? Hold on. Also, what are my motives here? The nurse was pushy and stressful. Why did she do that? Should I have said no? I'm nervous. Does it mean I should take a break? How do I know? Yes, that's the one.

HOW DO I KNOW WHAT TO DO?

I honestly think I could list hundreds and hundreds of questions like that, that have popped into my head these last couple of years. I'm sure you could too... and I know there are no necessarily wrong or right answers to most of them... but I just didn't know I'd come to know the famous WHO WHAT WHERE WHEN WHY HOW questions so intimately and be visited by them so frequently. And to have to be making these decisions on what feels like wobbliness... and I think it could be because I'm so nervous about the whole red-pill blue-pill, what if I eat the wrong-coloured pill thing?

Which leads back to another big but basic question,
CAN I TRUST GOD?
(DO I BELIEVE HE LOVES ME AND KNOWS WHAT'S BEST?)

Which, as you probably have figured out if you have been journeying too, is the theme question of most major aspects of this life on earth. And a daily struggle for me. From what I know about who God is and my life so far, I don't need to think twice to know that the answer for me is 'yes', but my humanness doesn't always understand that, as it doesn't make sense to trust someone so wholly.

and so there. I think I'm stopping here.
I wish I did but, I don't really have a tidy conclusion to this post... haha.

I hope you had a meaningful Easter weekend.