Friday, November 22, 2013

Thoughts and an Update

There is a beautiful song playing a lot on the radio station I listen to in the car. It is 'Oceans' by Hillsong United and the bit that really gets me (and probably most, since it is the chorus) goes:

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I love it but it really is a scary song in some ways... because do you really want to be taken deeper and to have to trust without borders? Of course, as Christians we say we do but the reality of the experience is hard. So hard.

There is a blog post doing the rounds that challenges the popular line, "God won't give you more than you can handle" which one might say to another as they are experiencing hard stuff (amongst other things the author and his wife have gone through an ectopic pregnancy). I have wondered about how biblical that concept is, and on the whole causes me to think about how we respond to others who are facing a difficult time.

Since I'm sharing about other blogs... A friend shared this blog post to do with loss/grieving and miscarriage- and a new book that's out about the topic. It talks about going to church after miscarriage and what it was like being in the service. Something about the power of music causing our emotions to be moved. Nice to know that I'm not the only one who sometimes sobs through the whole worship-time - definitely awkward, and worse if you didn't bring tissues.

On a related note... One way to wade our way through rocky times in life is to share them with others, as a way to help them feel less alone. My mother-in-law shared a devotional with me about the power of sharing your (imperfect) life with others (the author has also been through miscarriage as well as seeing another child saved).

It was encouraging as sometimes I feel a bit lost or unsure in knowing how to support others on their journey, especially since setting up a prayer network with other couples at our church to do with infertility and baby loss/miscarriage. Different people process differently and I don't always know what the best way is to connect with them. However I do love this verse
He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. 
When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.
2 Corinthians 1:4
and often cling to it, praying that I am able to comfort others, where possible, even if I'm not always sure how!

Okay so aside from what other people are writing, what's going on?!

It has been a while since I last wrote. (I'm really sucking at this blogging thing, aren't I!) Because my pregnancy in April was a partial molar pregnancy, I've had to be in a process of waiting and being blood-tested. This will last until January.

January. That is longer than I would have been pregnant! From an infertility point of view, it is agony. Thankfully I got over that eventually and it has been mentally relaxing not having to think about 'trying'. I'm also in the clear which is fantastic. 

We've made it to November which is when the baby would've been due.To be honest I kind of forgot about it with life being full, but this past week there have been some reminders of my baby, with a friend having delivered her second child, and another friend getting pregnant, also with her second. Both have been good things I expected but have made my heart a little heavy. 

I got to go for a walk alone (score!) in the park on Monday, and it was so nice to breathe deeply. I sat amongst shady trees on a warm (summer is here!) morning and soaked it God's wonderful creation. I let myself imagine what my baby might have looked like if I got to meet her this month, and what sweet newborn features she might have.

  (my instagram shot of that morning)

I'm not actually great at that sort of thing, imagining details, so I didn't get very far, but it was just nice to do that, to acknowledge that my baby was real,  and to let God comfort me through the simplicity of sitting in His grass and trees. 

This time we've had to wait has given me precious time to enjoy Toby. He's almost two and a half years old and I've loved being able to give him a lot of my attention and energy. It has been amazing to watch him soak up knowledge, have conversations, give accounts of experiences and just have fun. (I also love this post, by the way, about having small children if you feel like yet another link ha... and they had them after years of infertility.)

We have also continued our trek into the adoption process. After the last miscarriage, we went through a process of being unsure but we have still felt very strongly the desire to adopt, so also in this waiting time, we have managed to gain approval to be adoptive parents (massive yay!). It feels like God has been guiding us in this area and we feel blessed to have gotten this far.

The thought of having a second whether biologically or through adoption is, in truth, terrifying especially as time goes on, and we become so used to being a family of three. I especially feel for Toby as he has asked about whether I have babies in my tummy and gets a real buzz out of me saying that he is my baby. What a shock he's going to have if one day we do get to have another!

In the meantime we still hope to and are doing okay waiting. It is definitely different now that we have Toby and we are very thankful for what we have. Christmas is round the corner so the next couple months will pass by quickly. I try not to think about 'age-gaps' and all of that, and I know God will continue to provide the best thing for us.

How is everyone?

 (happy movember!)

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