Support Group Thoughts

I've had the privilege of running a small prayer/support group at church for those dealing with infertility and miscarriage baby loss. There's only a few of us and we have been at different stages of the journey, yet God has been very awesome at providing for our different needs through the group. 

As the coordinator-type-person I am thankful that our church is sooo behind this and encouraging. I don't always feel like I know what I'm doing but somehow God does stuff. I treasure all the friendships I am able to have though I also wish we didn't have to have this in common! 

Just wondering what you guys out there think about this. Our group is made up of ladies on different journeys. Primary infertility (battling to get pregnant), secondary infertility (waiting for subsequent child), miscarriage baby loss/ recurrent loss, and of course some are now mothers too. 

I like that we are at different places as we need each other and it is always encouraging to learn from each other's experiences, and it all seems to still be okay since we are small, but I also know it can be painful as eventually some will be waiting and some will have children... What is the best way to handle this? How can I do this well?

I know there are no easy answers. But just thought to hear your ideas or if you have had any experience yourself. 

Ten Things at 2pm

1. My baby shower is this coming Sunday. I am very excited about it, yet I'm nervous too! This whole deal is a dream come true. Yet that 'allergy' to baby showers still lingers a little. I'm just stoked that I have friends organising it, friends coming and celebrating with me... even those who are in the midst of waiting. Thanks you guys.

2. Long weekend here (Queens Birthday weekend) so it has been nice. I spent most of Saturday being tired and lying on the couch haha...

3. While I was lying about the house, the husband helped finish off this 'floating shelves and box seats' project that we have been planning for a couple years (yes it takes us a while to get round to it). Love it and love him!

(when we first moved here in 2007... the corner looked like this)

(...then we slowly changed it...)

(...now it looks like this! just need stuff on the shelves.)

4. 36 weeks. I need to do a hospital tour, finish packing my bag and a bag for the baby (yikes!), maybe decorate his room a little if I have time and um... energy etc. Crazy stuff! I think I keep stalling getting the bags packed because it all seems too real and rather scary!

(some days i feel like this. a bit mad-excited that i am having a baby. um... no, nothing to do with me liking this brand of tampons or anything haha.)

5. I have also used one of the baby's waterproof cot mattress protectors (yes dual-purpose! It is a second hand one from my sis-in-law in the U.S. who passed some down. We're so practical it is not funny.) and a towel to line where I sleep, they say to do something like that just in case your waters break while sleeping. Unlikely, according to stats, but why not save our mattress from getting wet with icky waters.

6. As pregnancy has gone on, my bladder is definitely being squished and simply not as strong. Not fun in the night.

7. Thankful for the little group we started at church a few months ago, as a bunch of women praying for each other, to do with infertility and loss... we usually correspond by email but we are planning a get together! Looking forward to it and hoping that God uses us to continue to impact other women around us who may be going through similar things.

8. Been totally craving nasty fried foods and ice-cream... and giving in haha. Hope it doesn't last.

9. The dryer appears to be malfunctioning (ok. definitely not using reusable nappies anytime soon haha!) and some other house bits are falling apart. Bummer timing... Money and time- two things we never seem to have enough of huh- hard not to get frustrated!

10. Where is my brain? If you find it let me know!

(this is me a few weeks ago with a 'delayed' birthday present that i got to open from lovely friends- a beautiful set of china made into a layered cake holder thing! it even says 'april' in the tea cup.)

She Ain't Heavy, She's My Mother

Haha. I just wanted to write that title for a giggle. Plus, I'm starting to feel pretty hefty these days. (No, it is not about my own mother haha!)

Some days I'm fine and some days I'm just so wasted. Plus that nausea-feeling is still there. Bummer. Oh well. I don't know how I'm going to carry this load around for two more months but... WE CAN DO IT!

On a different note, it is Mother's Day tomorrow. My mom's away and the husband's mom lives in Canada so we won't be doing much for it in that sense.

I haven't decided about church, though I was fortunate enough to get a sneakpeek into what the service is going to be about (thanks A). I am thankful for that, but regardless of the content, I have a feeling I'll still be bawling my eyes out in the back. I mean, I already do that at a normal service! So we'll see.

I don't know if being pregnant makes this year much different. Here's one woman's take on Mother's Day and being a mom after infertility.

Here's another angle- Mother's Day for a motherless daughter.

And here's one for those who are not quite sure if they'll ever be mothers...

Life is interesting huh. I started this post this morning. Here I am at almost 9pm trying to finish it! In between I emailed a friend who's going through a tough time to do with recurrent pregnancy loss, a dear friend who's going through primary infertility, and I helped throw a baby shower for a close friend. And here I am capping it off writing about Mother's Day.

And oh, on a side note, I thought it was curious that Anna Jarvis, who founded Mother's Day as a kind of holiday, was an unmarried woman herself and had no kids. I guess I just wonder how she felt and also what she'd think if she knew Mother's Day has become a big worldwide thing now.

Whether you are celebrating your mom tomorrow or hiding at home with as much distraction as possible, I'm thinking of you and know that you're allowed to have a wonderful day of celebration, but also if it is a crappy or confusing day, that's okay too.

(don't tell my mom i put this up. that's her with my bro and i.)

P.S. My mom's about 5ft and maybe 50kgs. She's definitely not heavy.

Random Ten Things at 10am

We have a team planning day ahead so let's see if I can squeeze a post in.

1. Saturday! How are you doing? Hope you have a good weekend. Are you doing anything with your man for Valentine's Day? We're not big V-Day types around here but we are thinking we might go have ice-cream tomorrow or something.

2. Check out this blog if you are into making crafty things for Valentines Day! There are so many crazy good ideas in here.

3. If you like photos and photography, check out this guy's stuff of his kids. They are such brilliant photos! Though I'm not sure how he does them. Helps that he is a professional photographer I guess haha... Here's his blog too if you want some recent/ongoing photos of them.

4. We have started a mini prayer network, called 'IF & When' at our church for those going through infertility and/or pregnancy loss... or just lots of waiting for children in general. I am so thankful that we have been able to do this and I'm hoping and praying that it will be a good support and encouragement to women at church and maybe even those in our community later on.

It is so exciting to see how God can use these hard and painful issues to connect some of us together...

5. My blog friend Heather wrote this beautiful post the other day. It is sort of along the same lines of a post I wrote a couple weeks ago, about how we, as wives, might feel about our husbands in this time of waiting for children.

6. I'm continually humbled by the number of people who have told me that they have been praying for the husband, baby and I. It is amazing. Thank you God for how sneakily and wonderfully You work!

I guess us being fairly open about our journey has allowed the information to be 'out there' so there are people who I don't know very well who have been thinking of us and praying for us. It means so much to me finding that out!

And it teaches me a thing or two because I really struggle to pray consistently for others, yikes. But anyway. Feeling very blessed.

** Pregnancy/Baby talk **

7. Our scan! It went very well. They checked on the baby's anatomy with so much detail. You could see so much (and we only did the normal scan, not the 3D one)... things look good... so relieved!

8. A boy! Very thankful that we got to find that out, as we were hoping to. We would've loved a girl too, so either is great of course. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't dreaming it up and just have some big grapefruit stuck in there. Honestly, yes was anxious. haha...

Yay!!!!! We kinda walked around in shock for a little while after. Is this for real?

9. So on Monday I make it to 20 weeks and that will be officially halfway. Ohmygosh. I kinda want the pregnancy to hurry up, so that I can meet this baby. I want to meet you! But I know I need to treasure these days too. So it is a funny feeling.

** Over and Out **

10. I'm feeling so much better but still tired a lot! Sigh... Hope you have had a good week? I'd better start getting ready. Think this was one of the fastest posts I've done. (Sorry if sentences are a bit choppy.) GO ME! Have a great weekend guys.

My Talk-In-Front-of-Church Thingy

If you meet me in real life you'll immediately know I'm not an upfront-speak-to-crowd kind of person. That's why this past Sunday was especially scary and cool. Scary that I was sharing some of our story to the whole church, but cool that I got the opportunity to do it and hopefully it reached out to someone who maybe has been on a similar path.

My prayer was that I wouldn't cry and wouldn't cough. Neither of those are majorly life-threatening (in fact, I highly support crying) but I just knew it would be good for me (i.e. prevent mind block up on stage) in this case if I didn't. Thank God that it all went smoothly and I managed to hold of the crazy coughing for later.

Here's what I said:

Are you where you thought you would be a few years ago?

I'm sure many of you can understand what it is like to be on an unexpected journey.

I’m S. My husband J and I got married six years ago. In our third year into marriage we decided to start trying for a baby, little did we know what lay ahead.

 These past three years we have undergone eight rounds of fertility treatment, I have had two surgeries, we have gone on holiday, we have tried to relax, we have had less caffeine, we have taken more vitamins, we have lost weight, gained weight, exercised, not exercised, tried alternative methods, basically tried different things to get pregnant. [Managed to get a few laughs here...]

In this time we have conceived and sadly we have lost four little lives early on in pregnancy.

Where this journey is hardest, is all the unknowns... naive as it may sound, some days we feel like yelling, this is not what I signed up for!

Questions that we sometimes ask are: How long will we wait? Will we ever have children? What treatment should we pursue? How many rounds?

Should we even pursue treatment? How do we trust God to provide? When do we consider other options? How do we cope with this rollercoaster of hope and disappointment?

I acknowledge that J and I have been fortunate enough to get pregnant, but for us, the question is also, will we carry a baby to term?

As you can imagine infertility and pregnancy loss impacts marriage. Jason and I deal with these issues so differently, that it can be very difficult to be on the same page.

There is also a deep sense of grief and depression that exists when dealing with infertility and pregnancy loss. With infertility, you mourn the child you dreamt of having, the thought of having a family.

With miscarriage, you mourn the child you carried for a time but won't get to meet in this lifetime and the things you longed to experience with them... and for some couples you ache to provide a sibling to an existing child.

It is a hard one to escape as there are so many reminders around us of what we miss or don’t have. Events like Christmas, Easter, Mother's Day and Father's Day can be met with such mixed feelings for those of us on this journey. J and I are full of joy for loved ones around us but we also feel the pain of yet another year celebrating it without kids.

I share this with you because infertility or loss is real for many couples around us. They may be your friends, family or colleagues. They may be open with their journey or they may be more private.
If you and your spouse are going through this, [our church] would just like to let you know that we want to care for you.

We’re not sure what this looks like yet, but we would definitely like to pray for you and support you. We understand that this is a difficult journey so we want to provide a place where you feel you can feel safe about it. This may be in the shape of a group, meeting up for a coffee or maybe even just a regular email.

You can contact me blahblah, etc...

Thank you.

I was shaking when I did it and I shook even after I sat down next to the husband. I hope no one noticed haha.

It was especially neat because the message was on community and how to be caring for each other in a deeper and real way (Galatians um... somewhere in there... I obviously wasn't paying enough attention!) so my bit served as an introduction to the message. Felt pretty special!

Doing this meant so much to me. It also occured very strongly to me how cared for I am by people around me, and how supported I am by the church with this whole idea to set up a kind of support network for others dealing with infertility, pregnancy loss or related issues.

I'm praying that wherever you are and whatever stage you're at, that you will also have someone you can talk to or feel safe with on this journey, as it can just be such a peculiar one to understand.

Ten Things at 10 am

Today I'm starting at 8:30 am because maybe by 10am I'll actually be ready to post haha.

1. I had a wonderful time in Dunedin. It was great having a couple of days away from 'normal' life, spending time with my friend P, and checking out the little city. It was beautiful weather too which was a huge bonus as it can get cold down there!



One of the highlights was visiting the Cadbury factory... CHOCOLATE! Even though some of the original products are no longer made there, they still make lotsa fun stuff like the boxed chocolates and easter eggs. It was a fun tour and you get chocolate as the guide takes you through. yum.

(pointing is a bit off... )



(us in the sugar bowl... this is my fave pic!)

2. I've been thinking about how to explain infertility to others in a short and sweet way (if that's possible)... because I am giving a notice at church sometime soon to tell them about the church's desire to have a support group or network for those struggling with infertility and/or miscarriage loss. This is huge for me because those who know me know I'm not at all an upfront person, plus I'm pretty much baring my all by being up there!

However, I'm so thankful for this opportunity as this is something I'm excited about, but kinda freaked out at the same time. You can pray for the right words to say in that short time (like 2 mins), so that women for whom this is relevant to will feel safe and comfortable to maybe respond or at least feel cared for, and also that the rest of the church will gain bit more insight into this topic. Also if you have any good quotes or ideas, let me know!

3. Another blogger Heather posted about this video, Empty Arms. This has been on my resources page too but I thought to post about it again because it is just a really well done project.

It is a video that explains infertility so well... if you haven't seen it I encourage you too- there may be tears though! I also like how Heather puts it in her post where she said, "You guys all know that we are adopting, and though that is seen as a "resolution," the stamp of infertility on our hearts will never truly go away." I think she says it in such a succint way.

4. I have thought of posting the above video on my Facebook page just for some friends who may be interested to watch it or pass it on to others, but I'm still not really sure about it! As much as I have been super open about my journey, I also don't always know how much to say about infertility/miscarriage stuff on Facebook. Funny huh? Hmmmm. What do you think?

5. When I was in Dunedin I met a girl who'd been in foster care. It broke my heart to hear that her mom for various reasons was struggling to cope with her kids, and had to give two of them up to be taken care of by another family. This little girl was now back with her mother, but her brother is still with the care-giving family. What a mess. I am not here to judge but I'm just saying it was simply so impacting talking with this real life child who was in the midst of this. I don't dare to imagine the impact this is having on these children.

As the husband and I have been thinking through these situations linked to adoption, etc, it just really hit home and I wondered if God was just nudging me to slowly open my heart to the various ways I can parent one day, even if it is not conventional... not sure yet, but it was a conversation I'll remember!

6. Summer is on its way... so that means strawberries! Yay. Looking forward to more.

 7. Aren't peonies just so beautiful? I wanted peonies for my wedding but we couldn't get them at the time. They are such gorgeous flowers huh! These were some we spotted when I was down south.

8. Sammy's chicken-legs stretch. See what I mean?

9. About a week ago I finally finished lining some of our room curtains. Yeah I sewed the lining on by hand cos' it was quite thick and I'm not so used to how machines work still. Felt very accomplished. Um... think I've had this project on for like way too long! Anyway, very relieved to be finished. We haven't put them up yet but we'll get there hopefully haha... 

10. Rocky Road- Snickers RR on the left, and  and newly discovered Cookies 'N Cream RR on the right. I found the 'original' Snickers recipe in a Women's Weekly Cookbook (great books). They were an instant hit with the girls.

Recently, I stole some inspiration from my friend K and made this Cookies 'N Cream one. So awesome. These are great treats for bringing over to parties or as gifts! Let me know if you want either recipe. (Sometimes I take a while to email you but I do do it eventually haha...)

Thanks for reading! Have a great day.

(oOPS. We were cleaning as I typed this off and on. Now it is 11. ha.)