"So. Big Gulps."

Hello! I'm here!

How many times have I said that?

Unfortunately there has been a big pause. Not that there hasn't been things to talk about. There's never things I run out of wanting to say. I sooo want to keep this blog going but I'm doing a terrible job of it.

If you guys are still out there, thanks for reading. I appreciate you so much. If not, that's ok. I probably won't know.

Last night I could not sleep because I had too much caffeine. If two cups of tea could be considered too much! I'm useless at caffeine I tell ya. I thought of all the things I wanted to do!

So I thought I'd try my best to capture some of that urgency by doing a quick post now.

Life is really much the same. Except Toby is 16 months now. I know. Huge.

He's really chatty and walks fast (can't quite run just yet)... and we love him to bits.

(messy at meals)

(busy busy always busy)

Do you remember me saying I was going to do a marathon? Well I did it! 4 hours and 47 minutes later... I got to the finish line! It was a big day.

 I feel so proud of myself and was so filled with emotion finishing it. I could not have done it without my running-mate KP who did it with me- trained with me for the last three months and cheered me on endlessly. (She pretty much cheered the whole marathon troupe on- we had people stopping to ask her how she had so much energy!)

(evidence that I did run it)

I also could not have done it without the husband as it has been his commitment as much as mine... As well as all my other super encouraging friends and fam. Some of which were there on the day cheering on us from the sidelines. What a difference it made!

(us and our medals and um... free stuff at the end)

And just to let you know I have not done much since. Haha worst 'down-training' ever. My one foot has been hurting so I'm resting it. That's what I'm saying. 

I went to a Coldplay concert on Saturday night here in Auckland. That was my other 30th birthday 'thing', besides the marathon. I spent my birthday money on the ticket and it was (so expensive but) totally awesome. I actually had some kind of awful bug the night before and was sure I wouldn't make it but I did! I loved it. There was confetti, blow-up lanterns, fireworks, lots of colour and they sounded great.

(Have to admit I sorta got nervous prior when I saw that they were coming on stage at 9pm and nowadays I am really trying to get ready for bed by then haha.)

Not to end on a downer but just on a different note, the last couple days have been interesting for me too as I've felt more emotional about the anniversary of one of the babies we lost (today, 12 November, 3 years ago).

This has actually quite taken me by surprise as I really have not been that focused on it. (This is my safe place where I say stuff, so it might seem like I talk about it a lot if you are reading my posts in one sitting ever.)

But God has really shown me His love through loss and I do cling to that. I just find it curious that it doesn't take much for me to feel that deep heartache- such as when I'm playing with Toby and realise that I won't get to know Baby N like this... or a song that reminds me...

Anyway. Bought beautiful flowers today to commemorate the memory. Looking forward to seeing the peonies bloom. Yay!

Life in general is good but filled up with just normal life things! How do people do it? I'm obviously such a terrible juggler of roles. I haven't even showered today- thought that was supposed to be a 'mother of newborn baby' problem! (9pm right now people.)

I think because I do things like run people think I'm a super-mom. Honestly the comments I got from achieving that marathon-goal were of course lovely to get but also a little misled maybe!

Life is messy. My house is messy.

I love it though. I love having Toby and being able to be his mother. Thankful for that definitely.

How are you doing?

Toby - 7 mths

Thanks for all your thoughts guys I appreciate them so much.

Toby is 7 months (eeks). Here is a little update and a bunch of pics.

(I LOVE this pic!) We can kind of sit up but sometimes mom looks away and... bonk!

This was our first plane ride... to Wellington for a wedding. 

(Airplane bib was actually not planned!)

We did really good and just slept for most of it- phew. Now we'll see about that long-distance one to Canada in June... 

Camo-stripey pjs.

Eat everything.

Chub-baby legs.

Swimming is a bit intimidating but we're warming up to it... 

Nice to have dad with us.

We're getting good on our belly and now we're lifting our hips too! We can sorta slide backwards.

Happy Chinese New Year Toby! (with grandma)

Bloglets?

So I'm struggling to bust out blog posts, even though I really want to. I have lots of little thoughts I save up for emails to various people as well as for blog posts for this blog! I even 'owe' blogposts for my work blog. Yikes.

Anyway, saving up thoughts becomes such a problem because I don't have the luxury of time to string them together like I usually would.

As I type this Toby is making unhappy noises from his cot. He's supposed to be having a nap but he's not. Even though I'm fine to leave him for a while, as he's not quite released the hounds yet, it is distracting. I have just boiled some water for a cup of tea, and I've got things on the to-do list. My mind is sort of everywhere.

I guess this is my new life! So I was thinking I'll should really try to form smaller blog posts in my mind. Maybe even just a couple sentences. I want this blog to still be helpful for others on their journey, not just about Toby (as much as he is awesome)...

We'll see. I'll try out my new BLOGLETs idea. (Or should it be postlets?) Hopefully will pump one out soon haha!

Toby- 3 weeks

Toby will be 3 weeks tomorrow! I have so many things to say but I am having trouble getting to the computer! We are doing well but also have been fighting a cold- yes both of us, ugh.

He's been a fab little guy- eating and sleeping well. I'm the one still adjusting and may be for a while haha. Here are a bunch of photos for now...

traffic jam camo!

we don't like being changed...

oops. spit-up. (if you're wondering about the off-shoulder top, it is because that shirt is too small for him and uh yes that is a sock we are using as a mitten haha...)

trying out some tummy-time!

i want food!

this was his first bath at home...

He's Here He's Here He's Here!!!

My son Toby was born on the 28th of June, Tuesday at 1:23pm NZ time. He weighed 8 lb and is doing so well.

Labour was not good but we survived and we got our baby here.

We are constantly fascinated by this little life that has landed in our laps (quite literally really). We are doing okay but it is definitely a mixture of mad excitement and overwhelming responsibility.

We have a baby son in our house! Ahh!

Anyway. Here are some pics. Talk more soon!

(few hours old!)

(a day old)

(3 days old- first time at home!)

Photosphotos

Hay... so here are some photos from my past few weeks. Not a grrrrrreat selection but it'll have to do for now!

**Lots of baby-ish stuff. Look away if not ready for it.**

(my friend J is due a month ahead of me. here's a diaper cake i made for her baby shower! very proud of myself. oh and yes crazy straws can come in handy if you're a slight hoarder like me!)

(we also did these super cute cut-outs for her shower deco. L did a lot of work cutting them out- go you! if you want to make them, find them here. )

(the husband and i attended a wedding a couple weekends ago. here we are in the church waiting for the bride, who was very gorgeous!)

(here's us outside the church. we don't normally looks so tidy/fancy i promise.)

(my mom recently went to the states to visit my bro. she brought back some goodies for the baby. here are some baby socks i need to wash... and uh there were a set of bibs that include obvious pink ones, to the right, haha... he won't know...)

(she also brought back his first little toy, a monkey. yes, which is funny cos' the first thing i got him was a monkey-theme thing too. probably will be a bit of a monkey. help. )

(some clothes he's already accumulated- little pile of laundry i need to get done at some point...)

(random blow up green cow we got for him. apparently good for agility hahha. and just fun in general. yeah maybe a bit early for this kinda thing...)

(did white laundry the other day- check out the baby's newborn undershirt vs. the dad's shirt...)

(i seem to have lost a belly-pic that we recently took! so... this one has a part of me in it plus sammy.)

34 weeks! Going well. Saw the mid-wife yesterday. Things still all seem fine and he's actually in a good foetal position which is nice too. (Stay there!) Except it makes me pee a lot and gives me backpains here and there haha but overall is a good thing.

Ok. That's me for today. Talk more soon! Happy Friday!

33 weeks!

How are you doing?

This week I'm at 33 weeks!

GO US!

I don't feel the most fab physically- bit of nausea (taking vitamin B6 to see if that helps), extreme tiredness somedays, back pain when I walk, still having leg cramps in the night (despite my magnesium pills sigh...)! But I know we're doing well and baby seems to be doing fine, so let's try and keep that all in focus haha.

We've prepared the baby room in a basic sense. There's furniture and most of the baby's bits and pieces in there. I still have a bit of organising and clearing-out to do but just will have to do that slowly.

The 'spare' room was always a strong physical reminder for me of the children we were waiting for. Now that we have ACTUALLY been able to prepare it, it is simply quite awesome (ahh!).

Last night we finished our ante natal classes. I think it went well and hopefully we'll form a little group.

I don't know how prepared I feel for labour and post-natal stuff, but at least I have a bit more knowledge now. I definitely feel a bit nervous about the thought of all that pain, but I'm trying not to dwell on it too much because I know I'll just freak myself out- cos' I do that.

There are lots more little things to buy and it is OVERWHELMING how many baby products there are out there. I've got a list but I've sort of stopped 'accumulating' for now as I'll just wait and see what we need and also what my baby shower brings (yes I'm going to have one!)

I'm thankful that we've been able to purchase a heap of stuff second-hand (proud of our bargain hunting skills) and also been given some lovely things already. When I stare at these newborn clothes, it is like oh-my-goodness-oh-my-goodness! (Is that from Annie? I can't remember haha.)

Life has been busy! I wish I was stopping to blog more, but I seem to keep running out of minutes! (Partly cos' I'm tired a lot I think.)

Anyway. Just wanted to write a short update. Don't have any good photos with me right now, but hopefully will post some soon.

Have a lovely mid-week.

P.S. Usually love these updates but this week, Babycenter says the baby is sort of the size of a pineapple right now. A PINEAPPLE! (Talk about a scary visual aid.)

Note to Baby

Dear Baby,

Yesterday I got to see you at a scan! We are at 30 weeks (31 in two days!). It is amazing to think that the countdown is in single digits!


We think we may have a name for you. We are not totally sure, but we have two options in the running. Hopefully one of them will work out for you. It'll be helpful to give you a name, or I might keep calling you 'The Kid' when you arrive, like I have been.


The other night you were squirming around so much that we could see you from the outside! It made me realise how big you are getting and how I will get to meet you soon. Your dad has been able to see that too, and feel you moving, which has been very special.


We have done many things together. We went swimming for the first time the other day. We've also recently been to Rotorua, Nelson, Tirau, etc. (We also accidently walked out the supermarket with some unpaid plastic Easter egg shells that got left in the trolley, that I need to go back and pay for before they post us on some, 'Have you seen this woman?' part of a crime show. Oops.)


We watched the Royal Wedding, which was pretty exciting. Kate's dress was awesome. Though I'm nervous about having a kid that will become a young man, but we'll deal with that when we get there.


I'm trying to be good and eat healthy, but the other day it was my birthday so we did indulge in a few lavish treats around that time.

(me with ice-cream!)

(my friend kp made red velvet cake. beautiful & yum.)

It was also Easter, which made it harder to resist some of the temptations. We got you measured and you seem to be of good size, and not a big (diabetic) baby, so we are okay for now. I have been trying though.


It is crazy to think that the ultrasound could also estimate your weight. It looks like you are about somewhere over 3 pounds now. Which means you probably will still double in size! It already feels pretty tight in there.


Anyway. I'm thankful for your strong and healthy heartbeat. You also seem to be growing nice long limbs. Plus we got a glimpse of you poking your tongue out (maybe?)...


In the meantime we are trying to make space for you, so I hope we will be prepared when you arrive! We have been attending ante-natal classes with other women carrying babies in their fish-bowl-like tummies so maybe you will have friends? We'll see...


Just seems unreal that we have gotten to this stage. At 32 weeks I can deliver you at North Shore Hospital (as opposed to Auckland Hospital where there is specialist care), but of course we want you to 'marinate' for longer.


Talk again soon,

your carrier/mother.

Sweet Saturdays

Ok maybe not the best title for this post because I'm supposed to be keeping my sweet-tooth at bay for now. But is has been a nice Saturday so far, so... here I am!

Thought I'd better try and write a little something before I go and lie down.

1. TODAY- Feeling pretty proud of myself today. Got a few errands done this morning including going to the bank and getting a few gifts... including spending a Christmas voucher I got given- all for me! I got a necklace that has a pocket watch on the end. Kinda fun huh? It is a pretty brassy/gold old-look necklace, where the face cover pops open and the watch actually works! (Thanks C!)

(there it is!)

2. DISCOVERY- Yesterday I met a friend for coffee and I thought I'd be sneaky and try and check out a shop just beforehand, as I was early... BUT I can no longer walk quickly, so was a couple minutes late haha! The baby in my belly is starting to get a little prominent, so I struggled to get to the cafe on time! The things you learn. (And my shopping stamina has definitely waned...)

3. 28- This week we're at 28 weeks. Next week I'm turning 29 and I'll be in my 29th week! Fun huh? Just a little random fact for you.

4. PREP- Preparing for the baby has been good fun, though there still seems to be so many little things to think about... I keep putting some off but I'm realising I can't do that for too long haha. We attended our first ante natal class this week. Who knew we'd be sitting in a roomful of pregnant couples, us included? It is definitely weird to be 'on the other side' of where I was at, yet being still the very same person.

5. HMMM... It is interesting that like most other IF-ers, all I thought about for the last few years was how to get pregnant and stay pregnant, and it is hard to transition to thinking, "uh oh... how will I get this baby out?"...

6. BRAIN- So I have lost quite a few brain cells. I used to be such an unbeliever of 'baby brain' but I've had to eat my words. I still maintain that this is only funny because I am 'normally' pretty 'with it'... but we'll see!

 Here's a list of things I've done:
- opened the fridge and found a packet of half-eaten girl-guide cookies in there (no we don't store it in there)
- similarly, opened the fridge and found my big soya sauce bottle next to the milk (what was it doing there!)
- offered my husband a glass of water then proceeded to search for the glasses (I've lived here four years people)
- stood in the shower and could not remember if I'd already shampooed my hair or not!
- looked at the hand my friend held out to me, with his palm facing up, as we were agreeing on something, then SHOOK IT instead of slapping it (like a lo-five kinda thing). Oh that was bad, and didn't realise what I'd done til after!
- lost stuff (and I never lose stuff!)

so anyway... much more to say but I'm fading here at 3:30pm haha... took a photo of my new necklace but can't find the file from the webcam ugh. LATER!

FRIDAY!

Every Friday morning it feels like I try to squish in as many things as I can because it is my one morning where I can- I work from 2pm. Then again, because it is a later start, I also like to take my time... so it turns out to be a bit of a funny mixture of things.

(love breakfast! do you?)

So here I am, did laundry, caught up on some emails, some Facebook stuff, read some blogs I follow and hope to write a quick post. Then I hope to get ready, eat and do a bit of mall-walking (just a bit of 'me time', plus I need more stretchy pants for winter, for work, ugh) and then off to work. I'm terrible at getting things done quickly so this is quite a feat.

It is April! I like April because it is birthday month! WOOHOO. And it helps that it is Easter.. PLUS you get a break too. Also, it is not too cold just yet and the sun is still around, which is just fab.

The only sad thing is that I can't be having too many treats, like hot-cross buns and easter eggs this time because I need to watch my diet. Grrr. I officially don't have gestational diabetes (very thankful cos' my mom had it) but I'm a 'borderline' case so I do have to be careful. Not cool. Oh well. Small thing really for a good cause. Sugar-free chocolate, anyone?

I've been a bit out of action because last weekend we got to go away- to Nelson. A lovely beach town in the South Island for a wedding. It was a beautiful and special wedding, and we felt very fortunate to be able to celebrate it with our friends. Yay.

(us at wedding)

(view from the top! nelson is beautiful!)

It has also been a big week because a dear friend just had her baby! She has been a special friend too because she was one of the first couple people I knew who was dealing with infertility too, and it helped SO MUCH to have someone to talk to about it all. Haven't got to see them yet but I hope to soon!

Ok. Bit of a random post. That's me for now...

**1:30pm now. I did not make it out the door early. Posted on blog, did couple things then decided it was all too much effort and I was too tired. haha... so I had a big NAP instead. At noon! Oh gosh. **

Pregnancy- Things I'm Experiencing

We've made it to 22 weeks. (Oh yeah!) Here are some things I have been experiencing... mostly 'normal' pregnancy symptoms really.

(handy having a dog to pose next to usually boring furniture. here's our cot! or crib.)

1. I need to eat frequently or I turn into a kind of mad monster. This was me before pregnancy too but it is worse now.

2. The morning sickness does leave but I still feel the 'sick' or weird 'nausea' feeling in the evenings/randomly.

3. When I feel tired at night, I'm seriously tired. Cannot function.

4. I needed softer bras early on... felt rather squished!

5. I feel huge but to others it doesn't look that huge really. But even at this stage, the round tummy does actually get in the way! Having trouble bending over or picking stuff up- already!

6. I am thirsty all the time. I even have a glass of water next to my bed to drink through the night... ice-water is a new best friend.

7. Which also means I pee a lot. Typical really. Getting quite good at manouvering around my bed in the dark.

8. Pregnancy brings on sneezing and a runny nose for me! Partly aggravates allergies too. Who knew? (I know some of you did.)

9. Dreams... I don't like them! I get lots at the moment and they are mostly weird and sad/scary.

10. Other night-time issues- cramps! Leg cramps. Not cool and rather freaky to be woken up by pain in the night. But my mom had them so I was prepared.

11. The baby's  little movements and 'thud-thuds' are very cool and a great reminder that things are still moving along. Oh gosh.

12. Hearing his heartbeat at the mid-wife's (again last week) continues to be a highlight. His heartbeat is there and still going strong! Thank you Lord!

13. Definitely a lot of things on my mind... grateful too as being able to plan for a baby is much of a dream come true.

14. Sadly I continue to prove that 'baby brain' is real. Have made many mistakes and slip-ups. Not my usual alert and clever self... haha.

Need to go rummage for food now before work... hope you guys are doing well.

What To Do

It seems silly to be writing a blog post when there are people in Christchurch waiting to be rescued after the earthquake. It has barely been twenty-four hours and yet so much has happened! I think many of us in Auckland feel helpless as there's nothing we can do except sit, watch and pray.

I feel like infertility and loss has taught me again and again that you can live life in 'two dimensions' (or levels?). Like you live the everyday and try your best with your daily activities where you move and and keep going in hope, but your inner life can be filled with much commotion like painful waiting or grief that you don't/can't wear on the outside.

I think this is what it is like in a disaster situation too... you are trying to get on with life or be pro-active in doing something, but your insides (heart, mind, etc.) is swarming with questions and emotion.

The hard part is sometimes the two seem to be in contrast, like me typing at my computer in my safe little Auckland-bubble, while thinking and praying for others who are in absolute danger or looking for missing family.

So..  transitioning to my small world, I was thinking to write a quick update. I've made it to 21 weeks! I'm past halfway. The husband managed to feel movements for the first time the other day too. That was very exciting and emotional for me! Thankful!

It has been neat for me to share about this pregnancy with others. In doing so I've learnt more about the journeys of other people I've come across. Just in the past few weeks three people I've spoken to have revealed that they also had trouble conceiving at some point- one had secondary infertility and the other two also went through a time of primary infertility.

What's interesting is that if I didn't share about our difficulties, they probably wouldn't have either! It is definitely extra cool sharing with people who understand how huge this is to us.

Lastly, Esther wrote this post today that was vulnerable and food-for-thought, whether we are dealing with IF or in other tricky situations. Thought it was definitely one for sharing.

Hope you are ok out there? Thanks for reading!

Hold Your Pink Horses People...

He's a HE!

All looks good and healthy as far as we can see from the scan. It was very amazing. We are super thankful and praising God!

AHHHHHHHH!

Ten Things at 10am

1. Happy New Year to those who are of Chinese, Korean, Vietnamese or Japanese background (sorry if I missed a few others, don't know the whole list)! Hope you are having a lovely time celebrating and eating a lot with family.

2. We don't do that much for Chinese New Year here in NZ, as most of our relatives are in Singapore, but we do try. My mom has a big dinner on the 'eve' and we get together with friends who are also here with few relatives.

3. Last year, the husband and I sorta 'skipped' Chinese New Year because something came up (hospital! ugh. was not fun but we are ok.) so this year I've tried to decorate a little and put a bit more effort into it. Wanna see?

**preggie talk ahead**

4. We've made it to 18 weeks people! AAHH! (That's like 4.5 months which is like halfway! Though they count to 40 weeks for the due date...)

5. Next week we will have our anatomy ultrasound. We get to see the baby! It is like Christmas. I think I have been looking forward to it for like two months. This will be one weekend where I don't mind if it goes too fast. Honest.

6. It is more obvious now that I'm pregnant, which is pretty freaky. It looks huge to me! Definitely still seems unreal sometimes when I look in the mirror.

7. I have felt some movements in there. It is very exciting! Another thing I never dared to dream about. Thankful!

8. The husband definitely thinks I have 'baby brain' which I've always been stubborn to believe is real but I think for me, this seems to be true. The other day I said something like," 14 + 2 = 18". And I'm supposed to be good at math. SAD.

**preggie talk over**


9. I loved this post the other day from (in)courage... I was actually drawn to its title, "Waiting in my Wings" because I thought of the verse from Psalm 91:4,

He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;

And then when I read it I found out that it was about waiting specifically to be a mother!

10. Weather- it is super muggy over here- 92% humidity right now- and we are all sweating the days away.

Over in Aussie they have just been hit with a MAJOR cyclone, with damage all over. Can't even begin to imagine! And I my bro in the States says, where he is, it has gone pretty nuts with the snow, power cuts, etc. Hope you all are keeping safe and sound wherever you are!