Married for 8 Years (almost)

This year the husband and I will celebrate our eight year anniversary.

It is just a few days away and this past weekend we got the opportunity to go away for a night, while my mom had Toby. (Yes he stayed overnight for the second time and it was a success- yuss! Missed him though, was very weird not having him for a day.)

Even though it was barely 24 hours of time-out, it was really special and I had a great time.

We didn't venture far from where we live- just to Takapuna, um pretty much round the corner really. Unfortunately the weather was not great- windy and a bit of rain, so we didn't go for a walk on the beach or anything, but generally good enough for us.

We had wandered around the shops, had Starbucks (Christmas drinks are out!), checked out the place we were staying at, had pizza (very quickly cos' we were a bit tight on time), went to a movie (Intouchables- French movie, SO GOOD, you have to watch it.)...

We also got to sleep in (no dog and no kid to wake us up), had breakfast at a little cafe I'd been thinking of trying (ran past it multiple times on my long runs and watched people stop in for coffee, so glad I finally got to go in) called Mimosa, and went to the Takapuna Sunday Markets. Then had Starbucks again because yes we are that deprived.

I found some Christmas glass ornaments to match some others I have (love!), a gift for a friend, some beautiful calla lilies (that were supposed to be for my mom for helping with Toby but I forgot to take them to her house-doh!) and an old porcelain deer (yes I've named it Bambi already) for my shelf which I'm considering spray painting but we will see.

It was pretty much all the things you could do on a date packed into one, but it was still leisurely and I loved spending precious time with the husband.

Just wanted to remember it so thought I'd put it down here.

Today is also Thanksgiving in the States. I'm not American but I'm always happy to adopt that celebration- very thankful for my husband and all that I have around me. Have a lovely weekend.

Bunch of Things

BIRTHDAY

This week I turned 30.

Loved it. I got to have a fancy-schmancy dinner with the husband, and even though the evening went a little weird after dessert (i.e. I got annoyed cos' he told me we had to go home suddenly)... it turned out to be totally worth the slight emotional breakdown because I had a surprise party waiting for me back home. Had no idea.

I admit I am not great at receiving surprises on the outside (facial expression, etc.) and I think I just looked stunned the whole evening. And my brain got fuzzy too- when a couple friends wished me, "Happy Birthday" and gave me a hug I said, "Happy Birthday!" back.  Um. No.

But I was glad. I felt loved and I know there was a lot of work put into it. Thanks!

It was awesome knowing I was cared for and that friends wanted to celebrate with me! Plus I got gifts which is also always a big bonus. Don't all come rushing over to check out my whistling garden gnome! (I know. Quirky gifts probably mean I'm a quirky person. It is ok. I'm dealing with the reality.)

I ended my 'birthday week' (as if I'm Oprah or Ellen or one of those) with a lovely cafe brunch (coffee and a plate of pancakes) with some close friends. It was a sweet week.

I'm not afraid of being thirty. Truth is that it could be easier now that I have Toby. Or maybe because I married someone eight years older- so I'm always the 'young wife' hhahaha. Or maybe it will catch up with me in a few months. I'm not sure.

PRE-MIDDLE AGE CRISIS?

But I have done something crazy. I've signed up for a marathon. Yup a whole whopping 42km.

Today I ran 1.6km. I need to multiply that by TWENTY SIX TIMES.

I have wanted to take on a full marathon but not like now! However when the Auckland Marathon registrations opened, I thought hard about it and figured that life is not going to get less busy nor am I going to get more 'ready' to do it, so I might as well try now.

I'm trying to be as realistic as I can about it. I'm prepared to see the podiatrist, the physio, etc. We'll see...

INFERTILITY AWARENESS WEEK

Veering off to another topic- It has been Infertility Awareness Week in the States (and Canada? Not sure.). And Mother's Day is round the corner for us here in NZ (which is pretty much kinda like inverted-infertility-awareness weeks for some of us)...

So here's a couple links if you feel like a browse:

I liked Every Week is Infertility Awareness Week by Stirrup Queens  as it is a bit raw but touches on how infertility doesn't necessarily have an end for certain people.

And on a different note I love the honesty in this one, The Ugly Truth.

That's me for now.

Here's a photo! Us having gelato after the fancy dinner. (I love my husband.)

Celebrating

(Thank you Ch for the lovely time!)

These last few days we've had American Thanksgiving (joined in with some friends who are like family), it was our seventh wedding anniversary and today it is Toby's 5th month birthday (is that how you say it)!

SO much to celebrate and give thanks for.

Thankful for all the good things in life like food, friends, mom who babysits, cute movies like Arthur Christmas (that's what we watched on our night out haha), groupon-type vouchers (that's what we had for our anniversary meal- wasn't great but we did have three courses which was fun!) and a sweet baby.

I also got to go to a baby shower of a friend who is having a baby after waiting for a time, and having one miscarriage. We got to know each other via our little prayer group at church! It was a special shower and so exciting. It was also neat to know that the prayer support meant so much to her and her family. God does cool things.

Here are some pics.

I love you despite the mo.

Toby today.

Toby the other day looking a little crazy after testing out some pumpkin on him.

Toby's place setting at his Thanksgiving dinner. (Though he spent most of it on the floor trying to roll around...)

Hanging with dad.

Happy 4 Months!

Yesterday Toby turned four months! Yes four. Already!

I love walking into his room in the morning because he is often chatting to himself and gets all wriggly and excited when he sees me. It is priceless.

He can get very chatty- loud too. It is fun and adorable now, but I wonder if he'll be a chatterbox when he's older. He's his dad's son I guess haha!

We seem to have reached a good spot. He's napping really well and sleeps through in the nights too. I'm soaking it all in before the next 'phase' starts- Solids? Crawling/ movement? etc.

I'm not much off from my pre-pregnancy weight but I can't help but be thinking about it. Maybe it is because summer is coming and I'm wondering how I'm going to fit into shorts with zippers and buttons! So far I have been embracing elastic clothing with arms open wide- pretty much just wearing my maternity clothing.

I am trying to not be too concerned about it but it is often a thought that lingers! Grrrrrrr.

I have to admit. I think a lot about having a second child. I would love for Toby to have a sibling. I was looking on trademe the other day and I found myself wishing I had a need for a double stroller- you know those cool front and back ones.

I don't necessarily want one right now, but I get nervous about the thought that it could be another rocky road to having another, so I get a quite desperate and panicky. It was worse when I just had Toby, but now it seems to have subsided. I feel okay. I feel like I can wait.

I don't know whether we will be able to have a second child but I'm learning to try and enjoy each day I get with Toby as the days do pass by so quickly.

I've also been thinking a lot about contentment. And how infertility stuff revolves around that constant tension of being hopeful yet being content at the same time. A big mystery I tell 'ya.

Toby is a good good boy. I cannot ask for a better baby and I'm so thankful for him.

Gonna post more pics in a next post.

Pregnancy after IF/Loss- Ticking Off My Wishlist (sorta)

I've made it to 38.5 weeks. Who knew I'd ever make it to 'heavily pregnant'?

Think I'm on 10kgs in terms of weight increase so 'heavily' is definitely appropriate. No wonder I'm having trouble getting out of the car, out of bed, off the couch, etc. haha...

ANYWAY. I've been asking myself, "Have I gotten to do everything I wanted to do while being pregnant?"... you know, like when you save up things-to-do for a holiday or Disneyland with a list of things like food to eat and books to read, etc?

I'm FAST getting to the end, and I think so. Here are my 'things':


1
- Wear all the clothes you've been accumulating that you thought you'd one day wear as maternity clothes, or actually are. DO IT.
It has been fun. Though you have to laugh when you start to get sick of stretchy tights or at the fact that I don't fit that well into my maternity jeans anymore- believe it or not, they are too tight when I sit! (Jeanswest has pretty good and affordable maternity jeans.)

2
- Linger while in baby stores and sections.
It was hard to do at first, but you get there as pregnancy progresses (thankful) and it is nice sort of being a 'normal' pregnant woman. Though the silly part is you get tired walking around malls and so shopping stamina isn't what it used to be!

3
- Try not to be apologetic. (That's me.)
If you want a super awesome baby room, go for it! Show it off. You've been staring at that spare room for so long, having it filled with a child's things is so surreal.

($20 change table from trademe and lovely baby basket given to us from a lady at church!)

(baby bunting made by my friend ju! note: photo is deceiving cos' rest of the room is actually filled with random stuff on the floor haha.)

If you want to take lots of belly-photos, do it! We did.

(last week. sammy the dog has started to take part too. he looks a little funny- naked- here cos' his collar is off!)

4
- Celebrate.
As I make my way through this list I think most of them you are iffy with at first, especially if you have been through IF and/or baby loss. That's ok. What I mean is celebrate every day you get to carry this baby, and let others celebrate with you too. Whether it is just with simple things along the way, or a big baby shower at the end, whatever suits your style.

(look at the mad amount of gifts we got! thank you so much.)

5
- Remember the things you wanted to do before dealing with IF/loss made you forget, and do them or consider them again...
For me, it is simple things like thinking about what diaper system to use (though I sort of put that off for now cos' it is a little overwhelming). And random objects I want to buy for the baby one day like gumboots... Or to do with birthing, things you thought you'd try- water birth?

6
- Deal with your Facebook issues haha... (this was personal for me, maybe not for everyone)
You guys know that Facebook can be a source of difficulty for many of us going through IF or baby loss and definitely has been the case for me, so for me I wanted to be careful how I used it during pregnancy.

Yet I didn't want to hold back expressing how God has walked us through this, how thankful we are to be pregnant and to acknowledge that we are being prayed for by many people. (And many overseas friends and family simply wanted to know how it has been.) So... I've done it. I have posted stuff.

This has been tricky and thought I've wanted to be sensitive, I'm sure I haven't done all of it perfectly... but if I'm not sure sometimes I only show certain 'statuses' and 'photos' to certain close family and friends instead of everyone on the list. Of course, it is also just lovely to receive well-wishes and to know others are thinking of us.

7
- Embrace all the baby-baby stuff that you once were allergic to. (It is not wrong.)
I didn't think I would but I have gone on to Babycenter most weeks since the start to find out what 'vegetable' my baby is close in size to. I know it is a random thing to go on for, as Babycenter also offers a lot of other great things about pregnancy and parenting haha, but I've enjoyed it and it has provided a few laughs! This week the baby is like a leek.

Which is very nice and slim. Thankyouverymuch.

HOWEVER, check out the vegetable photo for the next 2 weeks: Watermelon and pumpkin! NO WORDS NEEDED to express how we feel about that.

8
- Do something only pregnant people can. Even if you said you'd never do it...
I have to admit I told friends I'd never do a pregnancy photoshoot because the ones I've seen are so cheesy (please don't be offended) but also, the truth is they have been hard to look at cos' I've been so jealous and envious of those who have been able to take part!

So one day when a sweet friend told me a photography place was doing a session for free, where you also get a couple free prints, I was like, NAH. But then I had a look at their stuff and it was really quite pretty. Plus it was valued at around $300 (wowmama)!

And then I thought, well, if the husband agrees (that'll be a long-shot) that'll help us decide. Turns out, he said yes! And I think we were also both thinking, "When are we gonna be able to do this again?" ... so we went for it.

It was pretty hilarious because we are fairly shy in some ways. Yet we decided to do it and enjoy it. And we did. We may never show those photos to anyone but it was a good laugh and an experience to remember!

Overall, I think I'm trying to say that for us, this has been such a dream come true. Knowing that we really don't know what the future brings, and this may be our only experience of being pregnant for the full NINE months, the husband and I have tried to appreciate and enjoy it where possible.

Thank you God that we have been able to relax in these later months of it and have been able to savour it with help from others.

(have to show off this beautiful baby blanket made my the husband's aunt. mailed all the way from canada. oh and lovely cribset sent to me by my sis-in-law, K, from the u.s. thanks girl!)

Come on baby! We'd love to meet you.

My Baby Shower

I had my baby shower about a week and a bit ago. Sorry for the delay!

Here is a special perspective on it from my friend Ch.

As for me... I don't know where to start! Hmmm... so I'm going to scatter photos throughout this post. Visuals are always good.

(party favours and soother lollies, for wearing as a necklance-game, at the entrance)

(cake! wonderfully iced.)

I loved every bit of it and I felt much like a queen. There was so much effort put into it I don't even dare to imagine how much time and energy they spent on planning and preparing!

(My dear friends K, Ch and Lr organised and set up a beautiful party and my other lovely friends who attended and helped showered me (and the baby) with lots of precious gifts.)

(This was where everyone oohed and ahhed! Overall look inspired by Amy Atlas, cake stands were made like in this blog post, and food was painstakingly picked and colour coordinated by K and Ch- some stuff was even sent from the US.)

I have to say I was nervous about it because it is simply weird being the centre of attention. Plus, it was a baby shower, for goodness sakes'! Um... a concept you guys probably know I wasn't so keen on for a while there. And I knew there may be a few friends attending it who would find it hard too!

(So I told specific friends to anticipate my baby shower invite and I hope that helped them prepare for it. It blew me away that pretty much everyone on the invite list came... unless they were living long distance or were not feeling well. Crazy huh.)

(we played 2 fun games and I appreciated that they were short and sweet. what i wanted! i think my hair looks a bit like a helmet here haha. oh well.)

I know that it is important to celebrate this little life that God has so greatly provided and given us, so the baby shower was a great way to do that. And for me personally it was also a special way to have many of my dear friends take part in the 'joy' side of the story, and not just the hard parts! (Even though I was getting the gifts haha.)

(so many many gifts)

Some major highlights of the shower were:
- the decorations/presentation of EVERYTHING, especialy the table of food/candy/treats
- a little speech that my friend Ch wrote and delivered, which meant a lot to me (yes there were tears!)
- just having everyone come, mingle and have a fun time with me/baby.

(got the colour theme yet? and don't you love those stands!)

(yes we're a little bit into these gorgeous jars!)

I can't say THANK YOU enough!

(cheesy photo but kinda fun too!)

** All these photos were taken by Michelle D- Outstretched Photography & Design. Thanks M! **

10 Things at Ten ish.

I've wanted to 'take stock' of things I'm thankful for, especially things that infertility and miscarriage have 'taught' me. I know it is easy to just list them now, but going through them is a totally different story... but I kinda wanted to remind myself of things that being child-less or child-free has allowed me to do or learn or appreciate more... Here we go.

1. Today I'm going to a wedding (yup get to dress up again!) and I don't have to deal with figuring out kids or babysitting. (Not always sure about what to do with my hair though...)

2. The husband and I have been married for 6.5 years. The plan was to have kids after 2-3 years. Yet, I love how our relationship has grown in this time and I think in ways we never could've planned, due to being without children. I don't take that for granted.

3. We can do whatever. we. want. with our days and evenings- like go for a drive, eat random food cos' I wasn't organised enough, buy random second-hand things on trademe and go pick them up easily, etc.

4. You can laugh but I think getting Sammy the dog (which I orginally/stubbornly did not want to do until after having kids! Then realised I may not know when I'd have kids...) has been a great transition for us to dealing with children.

Dear Sammy has brought the following... Dirty carpet, weird smells, need to be fed, needs fresh water, needs needs needs, loud whining in the morning, high need for attention, needs a sitter if away from home for too long, needs telling off, etc, which is good for someone like me to get used to.

5. Having been through fertility treatment and small surgeries, I'm so much more okay with things that would usually be awkward for me (which hopefully will come in handy for birthing oh gosh).

Talking about intimate/sensitive issues, flashing intimate parts of the body (sometimes more than a flash), being poked and prodded, dealing with also bodily fluids you don't want to talk about, etc.

6. We've gotten to spend time (and money) making the house look cool, which is something I enjoy and have really appreciated. I just have so many ideas and am glad we've gotten to do some of them. Things that would take time and effort I probably wouldn't have a lot of if I had small children... like putting frames up, painting things, getting a new couch, weird crafts that get left in the cupboard, etc.

7. I've learnt to appreciate certain special days and holidays more. I think because a lot of them revolve around the idea of 'family' and more so families-with-children, it forces me to re-evaluate why they are important in the first place. Or also to figure out how to celebrate them regardless of the 'children' part- especially ones like Christmas, Easter, etc...

8. As much as I've cried more in the last few years than in my whole lifetime put together, I think we've also been forced to laugh. (Probably still learning that as I can be a hard one to make laugh!)

You have to laugh about the path you never thought you'd be on- sex-within-a-timeframe (uh... honey... the doc says the follicles are lookin'-good... we might need to go home NOW...), injection needles in your cupboard, drugs in your fridge, pelvic ultrasounds with male gynes you've never met and the husband right there too, the fact that you have to PAY money for a chance to conceive, etc.

9. I think I've also gained great empathy for others, especially with learning to grieve or wait or deal with prayers that seem on hold. I am (I hope) more sensitive to those who are going through a hard time, have lost loved ones, who would like to be married but aren't, and of course others dealing with infertility and miscarriage.

10. Lastly, the world takes on a different colour. I've learnt so see things from a different perspective. A hard one to explain huh. Maybe on a deeper-level sort of way. Kinda like a stronger desire to see things from God's perspective and curious about how He deals with the heartbroken... I'm not sure!

Anyway. That's me for today. Better go get ready! (Will try post more photos later!)

What A Priviledge...

... to have a friend like this.

My friend C wrote this post the other day. She has been my biggest supporter and encourager even though she has not been through the same stuff. I admire her perseverance in trying to understand me and the things the husband and I have been going through.

So thankful for her!

Ten things at Twelvish

(wrong time. oh well.)

1. Thankful for pancakes this morning (after dreaming about them haha). YUM.

2. Thankful for a Saturday morning to chill and catch up with thoughts and things (laundry haha).

3. Thankful for some time I spent yesterday with two special friends who'd gone through miscarriages recently. It was good to catch up with them and just comforting to be able to talk about our 'children we've never met' openly and without reserve or feeling bad/weird. Glad we finally got to hang out!

4. Thankful for the Christchurch Earthquake Memorial Service that I watched this morning online cos' I missed it yesterday. It was hard to watch of course, but also a bittersweet reminder of God's power and strength in times of great need.

5. Thankful for God's supernatural comfort in times of deep sadness and grieving. Some dear friends have had to say goodbye to their dear tiny daughter, Eden Grace, who was 17 days old. She was born at 26 weeks of pregnancy. Her life was a miracle in itself, but it is so hard too... and I'm praying for her parents and brother as they cope with their loss. I cannot imagine how hard this is for them.

6. Thankful for the power of music that touches us even if we come from different perspectives and backgrounds. They sang a few beautiful songs at the Christchurch Memorial Service- like Amazing Grace and Welcome Home.

7. Thankful that my sis-in-law, K, was unhurt in a car accident this past week, where her SUV was turned on its side! Also cool that the kids were at home with my brother. Praying for them as this stuff is still always scary and can be stressful.

8. Thankful for soft-serve. Ya, serious.

(not my pic)

Haha yes. I love them. Plus, I don't know why it took me so long to catch on that the vanilla soft-serve cones at McDonald's are only 60-cents! Is there anything else that cheap around here?

I usually get the hot fudge/chocolate sundaes in a cup that cost way more. So I think I'll switch over to the cones... plus they probably are 'less bad' haha... NOW if only they had the half-chocolate and half-vanialla twist ones here... ahhhhh that'd be heaven. You know those? They don't have them here in NZ...

( AND Do you know? I used to have the Fisher-Price McDonald's Kitchen set, like this, yes they whole big thing with the drive through window and kitchen. The soft-serve machine was my favourite part!!!)

9. Thankful that we have made it to 24 weeks and 5 days of pregnancy.

It is fascinating and awesome to think that if I had the baby now (of course not ideal but just saying...) he would have a chance at surviving outside the womb. It would be registered as a birth in some countries, not sure about here. Just quite a thought! Praising God for this life.

10. Thankful for my mother who continues to feed me. She's been bringing me pots of food so that I don't have to cook that much. They last the husband and I a few meals a week.

It is a massive blessing because I've been so tired and some evenings I work, so it makes it very convenient. However, I hope she isn't using up all her cooking stamina because I'll need it more when baby comes!

Had a lunch break between writing point 8. and points 9.-10. so now it is like almost two! haha. Have a good day out there.

What To Do

It seems silly to be writing a blog post when there are people in Christchurch waiting to be rescued after the earthquake. It has barely been twenty-four hours and yet so much has happened! I think many of us in Auckland feel helpless as there's nothing we can do except sit, watch and pray.

I feel like infertility and loss has taught me again and again that you can live life in 'two dimensions' (or levels?). Like you live the everyday and try your best with your daily activities where you move and and keep going in hope, but your inner life can be filled with much commotion like painful waiting or grief that you don't/can't wear on the outside.

I think this is what it is like in a disaster situation too... you are trying to get on with life or be pro-active in doing something, but your insides (heart, mind, etc.) is swarming with questions and emotion.

The hard part is sometimes the two seem to be in contrast, like me typing at my computer in my safe little Auckland-bubble, while thinking and praying for others who are in absolute danger or looking for missing family.

So..  transitioning to my small world, I was thinking to write a quick update. I've made it to 21 weeks! I'm past halfway. The husband managed to feel movements for the first time the other day too. That was very exciting and emotional for me! Thankful!

It has been neat for me to share about this pregnancy with others. In doing so I've learnt more about the journeys of other people I've come across. Just in the past few weeks three people I've spoken to have revealed that they also had trouble conceiving at some point- one had secondary infertility and the other two also went through a time of primary infertility.

What's interesting is that if I didn't share about our difficulties, they probably wouldn't have either! It is definitely extra cool sharing with people who understand how huge this is to us.

Lastly, Esther wrote this post today that was vulnerable and food-for-thought, whether we are dealing with IF or in other tricky situations. Thought it was definitely one for sharing.

Hope you are ok out there? Thanks for reading!

Hold Your Pink Horses People...

He's a HE!

All looks good and healthy as far as we can see from the scan. It was very amazing. We are super thankful and praising God!

AHHHHHHHH!

Ten Things at 10am

** Caution: pregnacy-talk in this post. IF-ers who want to skip, feel free. Or just look at photos and fastforward to point 10.**

(new year, new clock photo!)

It is already 10:30 am but I thought to do this anyway... I'll write about my pregnancy since I haven't really shared a whole lot about it.

1. We have made it to 15 weeks and 5 days. Yes I'm marvelling that I can say those numbers, they are like a dream to me!

2. We are still nervous, but we are trying to celebrate and experience it to the best of our abilities. I've heard the baby's heartbeat once (at 11 weeks- Ohmygosh. It is crazyawesome. I had no idea. The dear midwife and I started crying.) and we haven't checked on anything since! We have another appointment with the mid-wife next week, so hopefully that'll provide some relief.

3. Part of trying to be 'normal'... we have bought a couple things already. Haha. It was supposed to just be 'research' but we found a couple second-hand baby things on trademe so we got them. Pretty stoked.

4. Even though some books have said to not buy any maternity clothes early on, I've bought some shorts and jeans. I am already uncomfortable in my usual stuff... so I thought why not embrace it all while I can...

(random interesting photo to make wordy post more interesting)

5. I will admit that losing this baby is not far from my mind (though there are zero signs of any complications up til now. Praise God!) but the husband and I are resolving to take it as it comes. Right now things look good so we will go with good!

6. I'm feeling better. My sickness/fatigue/combo wasn't fab for a while, but I didn't have any vomiting which I'm thankful for and the evenings are still a little yucky, but I think the outline of my shape/dent on the work couch and on my own couch at home is slowly going to go- yay.

Other than lying on the couch I also have spent most of the last couple months planning what to eat next, eating, planning what to snack on next to get rid of weird taste, eating, but not eating too much cos' that can make me feel sick, and planning what to eat next that doesn't make me feel sick. Fascinating. My social life has been pretty sad.

7. You know when I did that half-marathon at the end of October? Yeah. I was already pregnant then. Mad huh? Looking back it makes sense that I was so super-thirsty and slower than the usual slow haha.

My GP and I had a laugh (in a sorta 'incredulous' way) when I told her because no recurrent-miscarriage-person should be running half-marathons when they are pregnant, or anything close to that... yet we did and we are okay, oh gosh. Not that I would've done it if I'd known!

8. This is my fifth pregnancy guys. yikes. The only one that's made it past 12 weeks. Saying 'fifth' is unreal.

9. I found out I was pregnant a few days after I came back from that 2-day trip to Dunedin (yes sorry I was unable to share the news for a while) to visit a dear friend in November. I had been dreadfully tired (my poor host! I was not the most energetic visitor haha... ) which I just thought nothing of but then I started to get nauseous and that was the point where I was like, "What the?"...

Dealing with IF for a while, you get so anti about doing pregnancy tests so the husband and I weren't sure whether to or not... but it got to the weekend and there weren't any doctors to call so we did one. And another one. And sat around in shock for a long time.

10. Not to make light of it, but this pregnancy has been so ridiculous (God you are hilarious in a good way) in so many ways... not only did I do that running (see point 7) which is a big NO-NO in old-wives-tips realms as well as especially for pregnancy loss types (which is totally fair enough)...

Believe it or not, I was also SUPER STRESSED in the weeks that we supposedly conceived. HA. (I don't have a cycle so it was based on a dating scan.)

(cute photo of sammy so everyone will like him)

It was Sammy. Sammy had just arrived a little bit before and we were totally uptight because he brought a bundle of dramas which made us think we'd done the wrong thing getting him... and we were thinking, 'Oh what have we done... we're supposed to make our lives more relaxed not worse... we are gonna lose all our friends.' (Like it was serious. He attacked people. BUT Thankfully Sammy has improved a lot!)

So. So much for all those comments to tell people (especially infertility-types) to relax and get pregnant. (I know I know there's good-heartedness and some medical-ness behind them but... ) I'm trying to hold back from saying, "In yo face, preggie-tips!" and I'm personally secretly glad I debunked a couple of those haha.

(i'm smiling, and getting wide, like this crazygingerbread woman.)

Christmas Day

Merry Christmas everyone!

(nativity set from my in-laws. first christmas that i get to display them! fun times.)

How are you doing?

I know today is a day of celebrating and enjoying time with friends and family. For us we pretty much received our gift and Christmas miracle early- our pregnancy. (um... Read previous post if you missed that.) Who knew? I still can't help but say it all seems so crazy. However I have also been thinking of those in the midst of a heart-breaking time.

I have two special friends who have gone through miscarriages this week. Each of them are very dear to me and it is heart-breaking to know they are grieving for their little child, especially right in this season of what should be joy and hope. Even though I can relate, I want so much to comfort them but words still escape me.

I also acknowledge a friend who misses her mother who has passed, and another friend who is going through a marriage separation.

These are all paths they also never imagined they'd be on. At times like Christmas, as much as it is a wonderful time, I'm sure you IF-ers know too, the realities of life can be so hard to avoid- yet another Christmas tree with no presents under it to buy for the child you imagine you'd have by now.

'I'm praying for you' is what I say, but it can seem so empty or overused when the depth of the pain appears so bottomless...

Oh Lord I continue to be thankful and overwhelmed by the infinite nature of your grace and mercy. The birth of Christ signifies the hope and life you bring. Yet I'm sure You also knew the double-edged-ness on the day of His birth, as it would mean His death and sacrifice for all of ours. (I think there is a song about this or maybe many songs but I can't remember it right now.)

You probably also had great joy and great sorrow as Jesus was welcomed to this broken world- knowing what was to come. I pray for comfort for these dear friends Lord. It can only come from You. All the words and gifts we may bring are useless and ultimately empty without You involved.

There are also so many questions we bring Lord. Could you have made it less painful? Better timing? Saved it for when we were prepared? How long more?

Anyway. We bring you these messed-up things and we know there is no other way but to let you handle them.

I know. Sorta heavy. But that's just what's on my mind. Hmmm...

It is actually already the end of Christmas day here. I had a lovely day (pancakes, presents, Skype, family, friends, etc. ) with special family here and I hope the same has been/will be for you too.

(this is what my living room is looking like...)

Goodnight!

My Talk-In-Front-of-Church Thingy

If you meet me in real life you'll immediately know I'm not an upfront-speak-to-crowd kind of person. That's why this past Sunday was especially scary and cool. Scary that I was sharing some of our story to the whole church, but cool that I got the opportunity to do it and hopefully it reached out to someone who maybe has been on a similar path.

My prayer was that I wouldn't cry and wouldn't cough. Neither of those are majorly life-threatening (in fact, I highly support crying) but I just knew it would be good for me (i.e. prevent mind block up on stage) in this case if I didn't. Thank God that it all went smoothly and I managed to hold of the crazy coughing for later.

Here's what I said:

Are you where you thought you would be a few years ago?

I'm sure many of you can understand what it is like to be on an unexpected journey.

I’m S. My husband J and I got married six years ago. In our third year into marriage we decided to start trying for a baby, little did we know what lay ahead.

 These past three years we have undergone eight rounds of fertility treatment, I have had two surgeries, we have gone on holiday, we have tried to relax, we have had less caffeine, we have taken more vitamins, we have lost weight, gained weight, exercised, not exercised, tried alternative methods, basically tried different things to get pregnant. [Managed to get a few laughs here...]

In this time we have conceived and sadly we have lost four little lives early on in pregnancy.

Where this journey is hardest, is all the unknowns... naive as it may sound, some days we feel like yelling, this is not what I signed up for!

Questions that we sometimes ask are: How long will we wait? Will we ever have children? What treatment should we pursue? How many rounds?

Should we even pursue treatment? How do we trust God to provide? When do we consider other options? How do we cope with this rollercoaster of hope and disappointment?

I acknowledge that J and I have been fortunate enough to get pregnant, but for us, the question is also, will we carry a baby to term?

As you can imagine infertility and pregnancy loss impacts marriage. Jason and I deal with these issues so differently, that it can be very difficult to be on the same page.

There is also a deep sense of grief and depression that exists when dealing with infertility and pregnancy loss. With infertility, you mourn the child you dreamt of having, the thought of having a family.

With miscarriage, you mourn the child you carried for a time but won't get to meet in this lifetime and the things you longed to experience with them... and for some couples you ache to provide a sibling to an existing child.

It is a hard one to escape as there are so many reminders around us of what we miss or don’t have. Events like Christmas, Easter, Mother's Day and Father's Day can be met with such mixed feelings for those of us on this journey. J and I are full of joy for loved ones around us but we also feel the pain of yet another year celebrating it without kids.

I share this with you because infertility or loss is real for many couples around us. They may be your friends, family or colleagues. They may be open with their journey or they may be more private.
If you and your spouse are going through this, [our church] would just like to let you know that we want to care for you.

We’re not sure what this looks like yet, but we would definitely like to pray for you and support you. We understand that this is a difficult journey so we want to provide a place where you feel you can feel safe about it. This may be in the shape of a group, meeting up for a coffee or maybe even just a regular email.

You can contact me blahblah, etc...

Thank you.

I was shaking when I did it and I shook even after I sat down next to the husband. I hope no one noticed haha.

It was especially neat because the message was on community and how to be caring for each other in a deeper and real way (Galatians um... somewhere in there... I obviously wasn't paying enough attention!) so my bit served as an introduction to the message. Felt pretty special!

Doing this meant so much to me. It also occured very strongly to me how cared for I am by people around me, and how supported I am by the church with this whole idea to set up a kind of support network for others dealing with infertility, pregnancy loss or related issues.

I'm praying that wherever you are and whatever stage you're at, that you will also have someone you can talk to or feel safe with on this journey, as it can just be such a peculiar one to understand.

Ten Things at 10 am

(Started at 10am but had to leave so... posted at 7pm haha...)

Okay so I'm not sure if when you post two posts in one day, they get easily missed? Is that like a blogging no-no? But oh well. Some days I just have more time than others... so here I go.

I'm THANKFUL FOR:

1. Yesterday I spent some time with a new friend. She is dealing with secondary infertility, well, in the sense that she can conceive but has miscarried repeatedly... We had lunch and I had a wonderful time getting to know her, and I am learning more about infertility on another level- like even after you have a child. I'm thankful that God has provided me with friends like her who understand this deep ache.

2. I have a few friends who don't struggle with infertility but who have been really commited to trying to 'get' this road that I'm on. I am thankful for them because they are trying to see things from my perspective and even though it is hard for them to see it, they make so much effort to. It makes me feel very loved and appreciated, and I have much to learn from them!

3. New duvet cover!

(part of pillowcase- oops... upside down)

My mom got me a new duvet cover quite a few months ago... it is not exactly our bedroom style so I had to think about it for a while but it is SO gorgeous (and I don't really have a defined style anyway haha) so I'm gonna use it. But it is WHITE-based... so Miss Play-it-safe here is taking a risk, gonna go for it and use it. Oh dear Sammy boy, please don't lay your paws on it when I'm not looking.

4. New handbag.

Wow. My mom (again) went away recently and the crazylady bought me a fancy new handbag. What?? I don't need one. She just got me one a for my birthday a few months ago too. But some of you can see where my 'shopping for others' habit comes from. It is very cool, but it is red, white and navy so I can't wear too many colours when I'm using it or I'll look a bit too colourful. Love the 'marine' thing about it though. Thanks mom!

5. It is cool today. It is probably gonna rain! I know this is weird, cos' I've been wanting the warm weather for so long. But I would like it to be cool for tomorrow's run!!! (Please please stay cloudy for one more day...) I'm checking the weather like every few hours.

6. Ice cream sandwiches. (I love the new Magnum ice-cream sandwich.) Thankful for this invention... ahhh...

7. Less than eight weeks to Christmas! We have family visiting!

8. Our adoption assessment should be done by the end of December- then we will be deemed 'fit to be adoptive parents', hopefully. We have a lovely social worker who has been super pro-active. Even though realistically there are very few babies up for local adoption, we are still thankful that the process has been faster than we'd previously thought and the experience has been handle-able so far.

9. My work/ministry was in the local community paper this week! It was a great write up and led to quite a lot of interest. So cool.

10. I'm really nervous-excited about tomorrow's run, but I'm glad I get to do this. In reality we all know this is something I wouldn't be able to do or train for if I was pregnant or had a little one. I need to remember to not take this for granted.

Of course, I would give it up in a heartbeat for those things, and it is hard for me to not view this as a 'consolation prize'. This whole running-thing will always be so (argh) conflicting for me because last year I watched my friends take part while I didn't cos' I was pregnant, yet we miscarried soon after. And this year I get to do it but only cos' this last little one didn't stay either... ugh.

But on another level I'm glad I'm healthy and my wobbly knees have held on this long. This has been a good 'challenge' for me mentally and physically to work towards, to feel like I can accomplish stuff in the midst of this baby-madness and I'm super thankful for all the encouragement and support I've gotten.

I even have a friend running with me tomorrow to pace me and the husband and some good friends to wave me on along the way. Stoked!


Weekendweekendweekendiloveyou. Have a good one!

No Simple Way Around It- Miscarriage Realities

(Magnolia- pic not really relevant to post but I just love magnolias! So pretty.)

This past week a friend went through a hard time. Even though I've been through some stuff similar to her experience, there is nothing to say that will make it better. I am still helpless. So sorry, girl.

I'm thankful that I had the week off so we got to hang out for a few hours one afternoon. I feel priviledged that we got to have some good conversation, even in the sadness. We connected on quite a few things, and even though she has appreciated that I am able to be there for her (and I'm so glad), in an odd way, it was actually like she was there for me also, dealing with my stuff too.

Here are things I'm learning after thinking through my own early miscarriages/pregnancy loss (before 12 weeks, because that's what I know about)... I know not everyone goes through the same thing, so I understand if it doesn't ring true with everyone.

1. Usually it is easiest to blame yourself- even I didn't say it, I thought it. Like thinking, I skipped rope before I found out, I ate that weird thing, I was too hot, I had that sip of wine, etc. NO YOU DIDN'T CAUSE IT. (Unless you abuse your body in an obvious way like with drug addiction, reasons for early miscarriage are still not medically clear and they don't know how to prevent it. Don't let others or old wives' tales tell you otherwise.)

2. It is hard to know how to think about the little life that was in you. It is easier to think of it as a vague entity, but it was life. Yet we think it wasn't 'fully' a baby, so how do we acknowledge it? Sometimes it is easier to not think of it as your child, but it was. It was wanted. It was God's creation. (Safe in the Arms of God looks at the biblical basis of this if you want a book on it, by John MacArthur.)

3. It affects your marriage. Wives and husbands deal with it differently and it is not easy to know how to communicate about it. I feel like sometimes it is the whole 'circular effect' of not wanting to hurt the other spouse or see them cry, so we either don't bring it up or try to be brave and bear with it, but we end up avoiding it or miscommunicating somehow... (There's lots of resources on grief and the impact on marriage too.)

4. It surprises you how lost you feel. You didn't realise you could be attached or feel love for something you had not seen, met or, in some cases, felt.

5. Morning sickness may continue after the loss... and this is a difficult physical reminder.

6. There is shock because it all unfolds fairly quickly. You were pregnant, now you are not. What are you going to do with the plans, real or vague ones, that you made?

7. You kinda don't want to make a 'big deal' out of it but it rocks your world. For some just a little, for some a little more. There are now a lot of "What ifs". What if I get pregnant again, what if I miscarry again, what if... It may also bring out other insecurities, like what if all your friends or sisters 'over-take' you and become moms before you, have their second and third children even, etc... that is normal. There are no easy answers to these, just continue to bring them before God.

8. You don't know what to tell people- if you've been away from work, if you've already told some friends about your pregnancy, if you need to tell your mother she isn't going to be a grandma etc.

9. You don't know how others will react and you can be sensitive about comments... we brace ourselves for the comments that may be awkward, or make us feel angry or like it was our fault. Hopefully none come.

10. There are lots of questions for God, and not always sufficient good answers. You try not to think about it too much but you sorta can't help it either.

11. Time will help the intensity to ease. There may always be random things that will always remind you of your pregnancy and the loss, and this is normal so don't feel silly, and it does get easier over time.

12. It makes you so so so thankful for loving friends and family. Some may have been in the same position too and some not, regardless of that, their encouragement and support means so much and you realise how much you need them. If you have kept it all very private, sometimes it does help to share it with a close friend or family member whom you trust.

13. It helps to 'let it out' somewhere. For me, I have a journal where I 'write to God'. Some days I had lots to say to God and some days I didn't-  I write sad things, angry things, glad things. Counselling also provided me with good guidance when my grief seemed to be quite overwhelming or when it was affecting me in a way that was more than what close friends and family could help me with. Going for a walk and listening to music or just letting yourself weep was also fairly therapeutic.

I found this book, Free to Grieve, by Maureen Rank, good too. (They had it at the North Shore's Albany Library...)

In Real Life

I just realised that this blog is about eight months old! I do enjoy blogging. I do get nervous about some of the things I put out there about my life, but overall I do like keeping this going and all. Here's a shout-out:

Thanks for reading my posts and commenting on them, etc. I appreciate all you folks who are dropping in and checking this out. It means a lot.

Some of you have mentioned that my blog is 'pretty'. Why thanks! I do like it too. It is actually just a blogger-template, which means I didn't do anything, I just picked it and it appeared haha...

Some of you who read this know me but some of you don't, and as it is hard to know what I'm like just from my blog, I thought I'd do a small IN REAL LIFE list:

In real life,

1. I am not so great at verbalizing my thoughts and feelings. Okay. 'Not so great' is an UNDERSTATEMENT. I'm terrible. (I'm sure even the husband uses this blog as a reference to how I may be doing this past week. Things to work on, yes.)

2. I like neat and tidy but I'm not neat and tidy. I'm clean but messy. Unless you say you are coming over, then I make sure it is neat and tidy, where possible.

3. As much as we try, there is always soapscum to be scrubbed, dishes to be done and more laundry to be loaded. I really admire friends whose houses are always looking fab, but I also know I need to just get over it.

4. I read too many books at the same time.

I love 'knowing bit more' and tend to over-research initially, and then have to go back re-read everything cos' I read it too fast the first time. (But I'm getting smart enough to underline or dog-ear parts that I like so I can go back and just focus on those.)

5. I'm insecure. Can you tell? I think that's why I explain things too much too. Just so you don't misunderstand me. Heaven forbid you misunderstand cos' then it may lead to you not liking me. How can you not like me? I wouldn't be able to handle that. Sigh. Seriously. Full of issues. Reading a book about it of course.

6. If I have some time to chill, I like to sit around and drink tea- and just do not much.

Ok. That's me for now.