Survival...

That seems to be the name of the game at the moment!

We are one month into this mom-hood thing and it is crazy hard. I don't know how you can love a little thing so much and yet I am still feeling very lost! See, my sentences don't even really make sense do they?

Anyway. We've made it to one month so that's worth a big HURRAH! We're also having a Chinese dinner celebration on Saturday as the Chinese are big on the one month milestone.

To be honest, all I am thinking about these days is when to feed, when to change, when to sleep, and if we try and go out- how to feed, how to change and how to sleep. Talking about Toby of course. But pretty much the same questions for myself!

People around me say we are doing well so I'm thankful for that and trying to soak it in... but my brain doesn't always compute and this life is so so new to me! Sadly, waiting four years doesn't mean you'll be better at adjusting to being a mom haha.

In the meantime, Toby is a lovely baby. Growing fast and furiously... while mom is trying to catch up with the hugeness of it all!

Here are some new pics.

(c'mon sleepyhead!)

(nice and snuggly. lovehim lovehim lovehim.)

(he was checking out the mobile then he spotted us...)

(getting weighed haha! he's put on 1kg in 1 month!)

(sometimes we just can't be bothered getting pants on and um matching is not a priority...)

(baby on skype!)

Toby- 3 weeks

Toby will be 3 weeks tomorrow! I have so many things to say but I am having trouble getting to the computer! We are doing well but also have been fighting a cold- yes both of us, ugh.

He's been a fab little guy- eating and sleeping well. I'm the one still adjusting and may be for a while haha. Here are a bunch of photos for now...

traffic jam camo!

we don't like being changed...

oops. spit-up. (if you're wondering about the off-shoulder top, it is because that shirt is too small for him and uh yes that is a sock we are using as a mitten haha...)

trying out some tummy-time!

i want food!

this was his first bath at home...

He's Here He's Here He's Here!!!

My son Toby was born on the 28th of June, Tuesday at 1:23pm NZ time. He weighed 8 lb and is doing so well.

Labour was not good but we survived and we got our baby here.

We are constantly fascinated by this little life that has landed in our laps (quite literally really). We are doing okay but it is definitely a mixture of mad excitement and overwhelming responsibility.

We have a baby son in our house! Ahh!

Anyway. Here are some pics. Talk more soon!

(few hours old!)

(a day old)

(3 days old- first time at home!)

Pregnancy after IF/Loss- Ticking Off My Wishlist (sorta)

I've made it to 38.5 weeks. Who knew I'd ever make it to 'heavily pregnant'?

Think I'm on 10kgs in terms of weight increase so 'heavily' is definitely appropriate. No wonder I'm having trouble getting out of the car, out of bed, off the couch, etc. haha...

ANYWAY. I've been asking myself, "Have I gotten to do everything I wanted to do while being pregnant?"... you know, like when you save up things-to-do for a holiday or Disneyland with a list of things like food to eat and books to read, etc?

I'm FAST getting to the end, and I think so. Here are my 'things':


1
- Wear all the clothes you've been accumulating that you thought you'd one day wear as maternity clothes, or actually are. DO IT.
It has been fun. Though you have to laugh when you start to get sick of stretchy tights or at the fact that I don't fit that well into my maternity jeans anymore- believe it or not, they are too tight when I sit! (Jeanswest has pretty good and affordable maternity jeans.)

2
- Linger while in baby stores and sections.
It was hard to do at first, but you get there as pregnancy progresses (thankful) and it is nice sort of being a 'normal' pregnant woman. Though the silly part is you get tired walking around malls and so shopping stamina isn't what it used to be!

3
- Try not to be apologetic. (That's me.)
If you want a super awesome baby room, go for it! Show it off. You've been staring at that spare room for so long, having it filled with a child's things is so surreal.

($20 change table from trademe and lovely baby basket given to us from a lady at church!)

(baby bunting made by my friend ju! note: photo is deceiving cos' rest of the room is actually filled with random stuff on the floor haha.)

If you want to take lots of belly-photos, do it! We did.

(last week. sammy the dog has started to take part too. he looks a little funny- naked- here cos' his collar is off!)

4
- Celebrate.
As I make my way through this list I think most of them you are iffy with at first, especially if you have been through IF and/or baby loss. That's ok. What I mean is celebrate every day you get to carry this baby, and let others celebrate with you too. Whether it is just with simple things along the way, or a big baby shower at the end, whatever suits your style.

(look at the mad amount of gifts we got! thank you so much.)

5
- Remember the things you wanted to do before dealing with IF/loss made you forget, and do them or consider them again...
For me, it is simple things like thinking about what diaper system to use (though I sort of put that off for now cos' it is a little overwhelming). And random objects I want to buy for the baby one day like gumboots... Or to do with birthing, things you thought you'd try- water birth?

6
- Deal with your Facebook issues haha... (this was personal for me, maybe not for everyone)
You guys know that Facebook can be a source of difficulty for many of us going through IF or baby loss and definitely has been the case for me, so for me I wanted to be careful how I used it during pregnancy.

Yet I didn't want to hold back expressing how God has walked us through this, how thankful we are to be pregnant and to acknowledge that we are being prayed for by many people. (And many overseas friends and family simply wanted to know how it has been.) So... I've done it. I have posted stuff.

This has been tricky and thought I've wanted to be sensitive, I'm sure I haven't done all of it perfectly... but if I'm not sure sometimes I only show certain 'statuses' and 'photos' to certain close family and friends instead of everyone on the list. Of course, it is also just lovely to receive well-wishes and to know others are thinking of us.

7
- Embrace all the baby-baby stuff that you once were allergic to. (It is not wrong.)
I didn't think I would but I have gone on to Babycenter most weeks since the start to find out what 'vegetable' my baby is close in size to. I know it is a random thing to go on for, as Babycenter also offers a lot of other great things about pregnancy and parenting haha, but I've enjoyed it and it has provided a few laughs! This week the baby is like a leek.

Which is very nice and slim. Thankyouverymuch.

HOWEVER, check out the vegetable photo for the next 2 weeks: Watermelon and pumpkin! NO WORDS NEEDED to express how we feel about that.

8
- Do something only pregnant people can. Even if you said you'd never do it...
I have to admit I told friends I'd never do a pregnancy photoshoot because the ones I've seen are so cheesy (please don't be offended) but also, the truth is they have been hard to look at cos' I've been so jealous and envious of those who have been able to take part!

So one day when a sweet friend told me a photography place was doing a session for free, where you also get a couple free prints, I was like, NAH. But then I had a look at their stuff and it was really quite pretty. Plus it was valued at around $300 (wowmama)!

And then I thought, well, if the husband agrees (that'll be a long-shot) that'll help us decide. Turns out, he said yes! And I think we were also both thinking, "When are we gonna be able to do this again?" ... so we went for it.

It was pretty hilarious because we are fairly shy in some ways. Yet we decided to do it and enjoy it. And we did. We may never show those photos to anyone but it was a good laugh and an experience to remember!

Overall, I think I'm trying to say that for us, this has been such a dream come true. Knowing that we really don't know what the future brings, and this may be our only experience of being pregnant for the full NINE months, the husband and I have tried to appreciate and enjoy it where possible.

Thank you God that we have been able to relax in these later months of it and have been able to savour it with help from others.

(have to show off this beautiful baby blanket made my the husband's aunt. mailed all the way from canada. oh and lovely cribset sent to me by my sis-in-law, K, from the u.s. thanks girl!)

Come on baby! We'd love to meet you.

My Baby Shower

I had my baby shower about a week and a bit ago. Sorry for the delay!

Here is a special perspective on it from my friend Ch.

As for me... I don't know where to start! Hmmm... so I'm going to scatter photos throughout this post. Visuals are always good.

(party favours and soother lollies, for wearing as a necklance-game, at the entrance)

(cake! wonderfully iced.)

I loved every bit of it and I felt much like a queen. There was so much effort put into it I don't even dare to imagine how much time and energy they spent on planning and preparing!

(My dear friends K, Ch and Lr organised and set up a beautiful party and my other lovely friends who attended and helped showered me (and the baby) with lots of precious gifts.)

(This was where everyone oohed and ahhed! Overall look inspired by Amy Atlas, cake stands were made like in this blog post, and food was painstakingly picked and colour coordinated by K and Ch- some stuff was even sent from the US.)

I have to say I was nervous about it because it is simply weird being the centre of attention. Plus, it was a baby shower, for goodness sakes'! Um... a concept you guys probably know I wasn't so keen on for a while there. And I knew there may be a few friends attending it who would find it hard too!

(So I told specific friends to anticipate my baby shower invite and I hope that helped them prepare for it. It blew me away that pretty much everyone on the invite list came... unless they were living long distance or were not feeling well. Crazy huh.)

(we played 2 fun games and I appreciated that they were short and sweet. what i wanted! i think my hair looks a bit like a helmet here haha. oh well.)

I know that it is important to celebrate this little life that God has so greatly provided and given us, so the baby shower was a great way to do that. And for me personally it was also a special way to have many of my dear friends take part in the 'joy' side of the story, and not just the hard parts! (Even though I was getting the gifts haha.)

(so many many gifts)

Some major highlights of the shower were:
- the decorations/presentation of EVERYTHING, especialy the table of food/candy/treats
- a little speech that my friend Ch wrote and delivered, which meant a lot to me (yes there were tears!)
- just having everyone come, mingle and have a fun time with me/baby.

(got the colour theme yet? and don't you love those stands!)

(yes we're a little bit into these gorgeous jars!)

I can't say THANK YOU enough!

(cheesy photo but kinda fun too!)

** All these photos were taken by Michelle D- Outstretched Photography & Design. Thanks M! **

Ten Things at 2pm

1. My baby shower is this coming Sunday. I am very excited about it, yet I'm nervous too! This whole deal is a dream come true. Yet that 'allergy' to baby showers still lingers a little. I'm just stoked that I have friends organising it, friends coming and celebrating with me... even those who are in the midst of waiting. Thanks you guys.

2. Long weekend here (Queens Birthday weekend) so it has been nice. I spent most of Saturday being tired and lying on the couch haha...

3. While I was lying about the house, the husband helped finish off this 'floating shelves and box seats' project that we have been planning for a couple years (yes it takes us a while to get round to it). Love it and love him!

(when we first moved here in 2007... the corner looked like this)

(...then we slowly changed it...)

(...now it looks like this! just need stuff on the shelves.)

4. 36 weeks. I need to do a hospital tour, finish packing my bag and a bag for the baby (yikes!), maybe decorate his room a little if I have time and um... energy etc. Crazy stuff! I think I keep stalling getting the bags packed because it all seems too real and rather scary!

(some days i feel like this. a bit mad-excited that i am having a baby. um... no, nothing to do with me liking this brand of tampons or anything haha.)

5. I have also used one of the baby's waterproof cot mattress protectors (yes dual-purpose! It is a second hand one from my sis-in-law in the U.S. who passed some down. We're so practical it is not funny.) and a towel to line where I sleep, they say to do something like that just in case your waters break while sleeping. Unlikely, according to stats, but why not save our mattress from getting wet with icky waters.

6. As pregnancy has gone on, my bladder is definitely being squished and simply not as strong. Not fun in the night.

7. Thankful for the little group we started at church a few months ago, as a bunch of women praying for each other, to do with infertility and loss... we usually correspond by email but we are planning a get together! Looking forward to it and hoping that God uses us to continue to impact other women around us who may be going through similar things.

8. Been totally craving nasty fried foods and ice-cream... and giving in haha. Hope it doesn't last.

9. The dryer appears to be malfunctioning (ok. definitely not using reusable nappies anytime soon haha!) and some other house bits are falling apart. Bummer timing... Money and time- two things we never seem to have enough of huh- hard not to get frustrated!

10. Where is my brain? If you find it let me know!

(this is me a few weeks ago with a 'delayed' birthday present that i got to open from lovely friends- a beautiful set of china made into a layered cake holder thing! it even says 'april' in the tea cup.)

33 weeks!

How are you doing?

This week I'm at 33 weeks!

GO US!

I don't feel the most fab physically- bit of nausea (taking vitamin B6 to see if that helps), extreme tiredness somedays, back pain when I walk, still having leg cramps in the night (despite my magnesium pills sigh...)! But I know we're doing well and baby seems to be doing fine, so let's try and keep that all in focus haha.

We've prepared the baby room in a basic sense. There's furniture and most of the baby's bits and pieces in there. I still have a bit of organising and clearing-out to do but just will have to do that slowly.

The 'spare' room was always a strong physical reminder for me of the children we were waiting for. Now that we have ACTUALLY been able to prepare it, it is simply quite awesome (ahh!).

Last night we finished our ante natal classes. I think it went well and hopefully we'll form a little group.

I don't know how prepared I feel for labour and post-natal stuff, but at least I have a bit more knowledge now. I definitely feel a bit nervous about the thought of all that pain, but I'm trying not to dwell on it too much because I know I'll just freak myself out- cos' I do that.

There are lots more little things to buy and it is OVERWHELMING how many baby products there are out there. I've got a list but I've sort of stopped 'accumulating' for now as I'll just wait and see what we need and also what my baby shower brings (yes I'm going to have one!)

I'm thankful that we've been able to purchase a heap of stuff second-hand (proud of our bargain hunting skills) and also been given some lovely things already. When I stare at these newborn clothes, it is like oh-my-goodness-oh-my-goodness! (Is that from Annie? I can't remember haha.)

Life has been busy! I wish I was stopping to blog more, but I seem to keep running out of minutes! (Partly cos' I'm tired a lot I think.)

Anyway. Just wanted to write a short update. Don't have any good photos with me right now, but hopefully will post some soon.

Have a lovely mid-week.

P.S. Usually love these updates but this week, Babycenter says the baby is sort of the size of a pineapple right now. A PINEAPPLE! (Talk about a scary visual aid.)

Note to Baby

Dear Baby,

Yesterday I got to see you at a scan! We are at 30 weeks (31 in two days!). It is amazing to think that the countdown is in single digits!


We think we may have a name for you. We are not totally sure, but we have two options in the running. Hopefully one of them will work out for you. It'll be helpful to give you a name, or I might keep calling you 'The Kid' when you arrive, like I have been.


The other night you were squirming around so much that we could see you from the outside! It made me realise how big you are getting and how I will get to meet you soon. Your dad has been able to see that too, and feel you moving, which has been very special.


We have done many things together. We went swimming for the first time the other day. We've also recently been to Rotorua, Nelson, Tirau, etc. (We also accidently walked out the supermarket with some unpaid plastic Easter egg shells that got left in the trolley, that I need to go back and pay for before they post us on some, 'Have you seen this woman?' part of a crime show. Oops.)


We watched the Royal Wedding, which was pretty exciting. Kate's dress was awesome. Though I'm nervous about having a kid that will become a young man, but we'll deal with that when we get there.


I'm trying to be good and eat healthy, but the other day it was my birthday so we did indulge in a few lavish treats around that time.

(me with ice-cream!)

(my friend kp made red velvet cake. beautiful & yum.)

It was also Easter, which made it harder to resist some of the temptations. We got you measured and you seem to be of good size, and not a big (diabetic) baby, so we are okay for now. I have been trying though.


It is crazy to think that the ultrasound could also estimate your weight. It looks like you are about somewhere over 3 pounds now. Which means you probably will still double in size! It already feels pretty tight in there.


Anyway. I'm thankful for your strong and healthy heartbeat. You also seem to be growing nice long limbs. Plus we got a glimpse of you poking your tongue out (maybe?)...


In the meantime we are trying to make space for you, so I hope we will be prepared when you arrive! We have been attending ante-natal classes with other women carrying babies in their fish-bowl-like tummies so maybe you will have friends? We'll see...


Just seems unreal that we have gotten to this stage. At 32 weeks I can deliver you at North Shore Hospital (as opposed to Auckland Hospital where there is specialist care), but of course we want you to 'marinate' for longer.


Talk again soon,

your carrier/mother.

Mercy

(pic of pie because... truth is, i often WANT pie but i don't necessarily always deserve it (?)... ok long shot- but I couldn't think of anything else to put as the photo haha)

Isn't it interesting how when you go through different chapters in life, some themes stand out to you more than others?

'Mercy' seems like such an old-fashioned word to me, and sorta religious and loaded... yet this is what I've been thinking about. Over and over...

This baby is such a crazy ridiculous miracle. I think every baby is a miracle really, but this one is has been so in-your-face massive for me.

I feel undeserved. And that's why I think I'm realising the extent of God's mercy. He didn't need to do this. We asked for it, yes, and of course some days I did feel like 'argh you owe me!' (er... probably plus a few more nasty words), but REALLY it wasn't our right to get the answer we wanted... and I am trying to grasp that.

It is not my right to be a mother... but God has shown me grace and mercy. I'm repeating this because it blows my mind. I can't even fully comprehend it. Yet this is such a big part of the Christian life too- being given what we never deserved in the first place, life and freedom through Christ.

So here I am carrying a little baby boy. And I am four months away from meeting him.

The flip side is I wonder if I'd have felt this way if this was earlier in the journey... did I need all that time to loosen my hold on my desire to control and WANT? I don't know and I don't think it is just about me...

But also the out-of-this-world nature of 'our story' having been such a mad one, makes it all the more awesome what God's done and the emphasis more on Him. It makes it so clear who's in charge...

Here's a song from an album I've been listening too lately (ya still loving this album A and thanks Kathy)... it isn't totally related to this subject, and is more about being in the depths of (I think) grief and suffering... but what has lingered with me are the lines:

Bind up these broken bones
Mercy bend and breathe me back to life
But not before you show me how to die



Maybe this is what I'm learning?

Hmmm... anyway. Just some thoughts.

Pregnancy after IF and miscarriage- Confessions

(er... admitting more than one thing really.)

I have been thinking to admit some things about what it has been like being pregnant after infertility and miscarriage... I've hoped for this blog to be a place others can come to and feel some relief, but this has also been a safe place for me to say things that I may not dare share in real life.

So this may seem indulgent but I've always wanted to be open in this blog so here goes...

1. Especially when I was not yet 12-14 weeks, I was very nervous about noticing bleeding... What would I do, how would I handle it? Thankfully this feeling has subsided, especially from the 'fear of miscarriage' perspective... I think taking one day at a time is/was the only way!

2. I am just going to put this one out there. As much as we are so grateful to be 'pregnantly surprised', and naturally too, it was hard to not be slightly resentful that we could not experience the bliss and naievete of not knowing any other scenario.

When we found out we were pregnant, there was no jumping in the air or hi-fives, just us looking like we saw a ghost. And I felt a little stink for disbelieving this dear little baby was real! (Please know we have squealed in delight and are celebrating this little baby... it just took a while to get there!)

3. I secretly hoped that having had a rocky road before this, pregnancy would be easy (i.e. less nausea-feeling please!) ... um... no, doesn't work like that haha!

4. We had ultrasounds/scans at around 6, 8 and 10 weeks, then later on at 19 weeks. It was so bizarre having them all be 'normal'. I wanted to say, "Are you sure? Are you sure?"...

5.  Doing extra bloods and scans were not bad as they brought much information and therefore helped with the anxiety about the pregnancy, but progesterone inserts! (Yes inserts... pessaries? Whatever you call them...)

Those of you who have had to do them- big ups to you! I hated them so bad. You do them for 6-8 weeks (like 50+ days) and it is two little 'pills' 3 times a day, which is 300+ of them!!! Loved it when the specialist said, "You can wean off the progesterone now!". Fortunately I only needed to do a few weeks for this round. Phew.

6. There are still leftover fertility drugs in my fridge and a sharps bin in my closet (from September)... you just get used to them being around... then you realise you may ACTUALLY not need them for the 'next' round cos' this one is actually progressing...

7. I still get a twinge of envy when I find out suddenly that someone is pregnant like really soon after trying. I know this sounds so selfish and terrible but I do. I think it may get better eventually... Lord help me.

8. I wish I had a t-shirt that said something like "If you're waiting for a bump like this... hang in there!", as we all know what it is like to stare at someone like me.

SO... Having said all this, I'm currently 22.5 weeks and everything is still looking good. Today I'm going to go look at some baby things with my fab friend C. Who knew we'd be here in this position? Praise God for being generous and full of grace.

Pregnancy- Things I'm Experiencing

We've made it to 22 weeks. (Oh yeah!) Here are some things I have been experiencing... mostly 'normal' pregnancy symptoms really.

(handy having a dog to pose next to usually boring furniture. here's our cot! or crib.)

1. I need to eat frequently or I turn into a kind of mad monster. This was me before pregnancy too but it is worse now.

2. The morning sickness does leave but I still feel the 'sick' or weird 'nausea' feeling in the evenings/randomly.

3. When I feel tired at night, I'm seriously tired. Cannot function.

4. I needed softer bras early on... felt rather squished!

5. I feel huge but to others it doesn't look that huge really. But even at this stage, the round tummy does actually get in the way! Having trouble bending over or picking stuff up- already!

6. I am thirsty all the time. I even have a glass of water next to my bed to drink through the night... ice-water is a new best friend.

7. Which also means I pee a lot. Typical really. Getting quite good at manouvering around my bed in the dark.

8. Pregnancy brings on sneezing and a runny nose for me! Partly aggravates allergies too. Who knew? (I know some of you did.)

9. Dreams... I don't like them! I get lots at the moment and they are mostly weird and sad/scary.

10. Other night-time issues- cramps! Leg cramps. Not cool and rather freaky to be woken up by pain in the night. But my mom had them so I was prepared.

11. The baby's  little movements and 'thud-thuds' are very cool and a great reminder that things are still moving along. Oh gosh.

12. Hearing his heartbeat at the mid-wife's (again last week) continues to be a highlight. His heartbeat is there and still going strong! Thank you Lord!

13. Definitely a lot of things on my mind... grateful too as being able to plan for a baby is much of a dream come true.

14. Sadly I continue to prove that 'baby brain' is real. Have made many mistakes and slip-ups. Not my usual alert and clever self... haha.

Need to go rummage for food now before work... hope you guys are doing well.

Random Ten Things at 10am

We have a team planning day ahead so let's see if I can squeeze a post in.

1. Saturday! How are you doing? Hope you have a good weekend. Are you doing anything with your man for Valentine's Day? We're not big V-Day types around here but we are thinking we might go have ice-cream tomorrow or something.

2. Check out this blog if you are into making crafty things for Valentines Day! There are so many crazy good ideas in here.

3. If you like photos and photography, check out this guy's stuff of his kids. They are such brilliant photos! Though I'm not sure how he does them. Helps that he is a professional photographer I guess haha... Here's his blog too if you want some recent/ongoing photos of them.

4. We have started a mini prayer network, called 'IF & When' at our church for those going through infertility and/or pregnancy loss... or just lots of waiting for children in general. I am so thankful that we have been able to do this and I'm hoping and praying that it will be a good support and encouragement to women at church and maybe even those in our community later on.

It is so exciting to see how God can use these hard and painful issues to connect some of us together...

5. My blog friend Heather wrote this beautiful post the other day. It is sort of along the same lines of a post I wrote a couple weeks ago, about how we, as wives, might feel about our husbands in this time of waiting for children.

6. I'm continually humbled by the number of people who have told me that they have been praying for the husband, baby and I. It is amazing. Thank you God for how sneakily and wonderfully You work!

I guess us being fairly open about our journey has allowed the information to be 'out there' so there are people who I don't know very well who have been thinking of us and praying for us. It means so much to me finding that out!

And it teaches me a thing or two because I really struggle to pray consistently for others, yikes. But anyway. Feeling very blessed.

** Pregnancy/Baby talk **

7. Our scan! It went very well. They checked on the baby's anatomy with so much detail. You could see so much (and we only did the normal scan, not the 3D one)... things look good... so relieved!

8. A boy! Very thankful that we got to find that out, as we were hoping to. We would've loved a girl too, so either is great of course. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't dreaming it up and just have some big grapefruit stuck in there. Honestly, yes was anxious. haha...

Yay!!!!! We kinda walked around in shock for a little while after. Is this for real?

9. So on Monday I make it to 20 weeks and that will be officially halfway. Ohmygosh. I kinda want the pregnancy to hurry up, so that I can meet this baby. I want to meet you! But I know I need to treasure these days too. So it is a funny feeling.

** Over and Out **

10. I'm feeling so much better but still tired a lot! Sigh... Hope you have had a good week? I'd better start getting ready. Think this was one of the fastest posts I've done. (Sorry if sentences are a bit choppy.) GO ME! Have a great weekend guys.