"So. Big Gulps."

Hello! I'm here!

How many times have I said that?

Unfortunately there has been a big pause. Not that there hasn't been things to talk about. There's never things I run out of wanting to say. I sooo want to keep this blog going but I'm doing a terrible job of it.

If you guys are still out there, thanks for reading. I appreciate you so much. If not, that's ok. I probably won't know.

Last night I could not sleep because I had too much caffeine. If two cups of tea could be considered too much! I'm useless at caffeine I tell ya. I thought of all the things I wanted to do!

So I thought I'd try my best to capture some of that urgency by doing a quick post now.

Life is really much the same. Except Toby is 16 months now. I know. Huge.

He's really chatty and walks fast (can't quite run just yet)... and we love him to bits.

(messy at meals)

(busy busy always busy)

Do you remember me saying I was going to do a marathon? Well I did it! 4 hours and 47 minutes later... I got to the finish line! It was a big day.

 I feel so proud of myself and was so filled with emotion finishing it. I could not have done it without my running-mate KP who did it with me- trained with me for the last three months and cheered me on endlessly. (She pretty much cheered the whole marathon troupe on- we had people stopping to ask her how she had so much energy!)

(evidence that I did run it)

I also could not have done it without the husband as it has been his commitment as much as mine... As well as all my other super encouraging friends and fam. Some of which were there on the day cheering on us from the sidelines. What a difference it made!

(us and our medals and um... free stuff at the end)

And just to let you know I have not done much since. Haha worst 'down-training' ever. My one foot has been hurting so I'm resting it. That's what I'm saying. 

I went to a Coldplay concert on Saturday night here in Auckland. That was my other 30th birthday 'thing', besides the marathon. I spent my birthday money on the ticket and it was (so expensive but) totally awesome. I actually had some kind of awful bug the night before and was sure I wouldn't make it but I did! I loved it. There was confetti, blow-up lanterns, fireworks, lots of colour and they sounded great.

(Have to admit I sorta got nervous prior when I saw that they were coming on stage at 9pm and nowadays I am really trying to get ready for bed by then haha.)

Not to end on a downer but just on a different note, the last couple days have been interesting for me too as I've felt more emotional about the anniversary of one of the babies we lost (today, 12 November, 3 years ago).

This has actually quite taken me by surprise as I really have not been that focused on it. (This is my safe place where I say stuff, so it might seem like I talk about it a lot if you are reading my posts in one sitting ever.)

But God has really shown me His love through loss and I do cling to that. I just find it curious that it doesn't take much for me to feel that deep heartache- such as when I'm playing with Toby and realise that I won't get to know Baby N like this... or a song that reminds me...

Anyway. Bought beautiful flowers today to commemorate the memory. Looking forward to seeing the peonies bloom. Yay!

Life in general is good but filled up with just normal life things! How do people do it? I'm obviously such a terrible juggler of roles. I haven't even showered today- thought that was supposed to be a 'mother of newborn baby' problem! (9pm right now people.)

I think because I do things like run people think I'm a super-mom. Honestly the comments I got from achieving that marathon-goal were of course lovely to get but also a little misled maybe!

Life is messy. My house is messy.

I love it though. I love having Toby and being able to be his mother. Thankful for that definitely.

How are you doing?

(Sort of) Hanging On!

**Rant ahead**
Man, how I hate the two-week-wait. I hate it so much. I think it is kinda like 'peeing on the stick' but doing it and then waiting 14 days (or 336 hours) to look at the result. Or for some of us (infertility-types) it may even feel like you pee-ed on it three years ago... and you are still waiting for the result. I'm not sure.

It is agonizing and excruciating and every other synonym of 'painful' and 'stupid' you can come up with. I detest how so much hangs on it and how it makes me feel like I'm going insane. Days like these, infertility stuff just plain ol' sucks big time. I want to hammer it out of my life or chuck porcelain plates at it!

'nuff said.
**Rant over**

I should talk about something else before I infect the rest of you with my oozing anxiousness.

Breathe.

If you get the NZ Herald (physically not digitally), go check it out! There's an insert in it that's a magazine about Auckland and while I was flipping through it at work, I suddenly noticed that I'm on the cover. (On the cover like a cover-girl? um... no.)

Let me clarify. There's a crowd on the cover and I'm in the crowd- by my friend Alice. haha. How random is that? Kinda fun though.

(Not the best angle but, see red-singlet-girl at the lower end? That's me. My friend Alice is to the right, not sure if you can see her, a couple of heads away.)

It is from Round The Bays 2006 (I think... years ago anyway) so I'm not sure why they didn't use a newer one, but hay, I'm happy with it. Makes it kinda exciting for me. Too bad no one really reads the (physical) paper much anymore, even we don't. (We're only reading it at the moment cos' we got a subscription recently, as there was a deal with it where you get free movie tickets every month! Yeah they came to our door and bribed... and we caved.)

So. Nice to have a giggle about that. Thank you God for random little things.

Thank you God that you are also God of the big things...

My cousin C has been keeping tabs on me through this blog. Today she wrote a note to me and encouraged me with a verse:

My God, I trust, lean on, rely on, and am confident in You.
Let me not be put to shame or [my hope in You] be disappointed; let not my enemies triumph over me.

Psalm 25:2 (Amplified)

So hard to do though huh?

Feeling pretty helpless today I have to admit. The husband is a big fan of sci-fi and I watched some Fringe episodes with him yesterday. The idea of a parallel universe or a way to fast-forward to the future definitely looks appealing. Some days it feels like 'anywhere but here' might be easier to handle.

Oh Lord I need you so bad!

Photo Time

Putting up that last post's pic of the spiderweb got me thinking to post a few more pics on here. I've been fiddling with my little point and shoot camera and am quite proud of the photos I've managed to take! Here are some shots from my past couple weeks.

It is wintery and cold here... lovely time to read by the fire.

Speaking of fire, here's our firewood basking in the winter sun. We're trying to dry these ones out... probably more for next winter.

A couple posts ago, I moaned about not being able to bake a chocolate cake. I ended up managing to make making a chocolate mudcake that needed less eggs haha and also contained baileys and coffee. yum!

I love it with a cup of tea.

Last weekend, the husband took us away for a weekend! It was a lovely surprise to spend some time with him. We actually just ended up in a place just out of the city center, as he thought I'd like it for the food and shopping in the area. WOW. That was so sweet (especially when what husband likes to shop?)

I didn't get pics of our time away, but I did get a photo towards the end when we went to visit the park where he proposed to me SIX years ago! We used to walk up the hill a lot when we were dating and we also took a couple wedding photos there. It has a fab view of Auckland.

Mt Eden is a volcano, so you may be able to sort of see the crater shape in this pic... and it was a gorgeous Sunday afternoon too...

This photography stuff has been an accidental new hobby for me... didn't think I could take such lovely pics with my little Canon Powershot... but pretty stoked with these! Yay. (Feel free to share tips.)

Random last addition: I also love home decor stuff. Today I just put up some frames containing photos of my gorgeous nieces and nephews. So excited about them! Here's a pic of the corner of my living room.

Okay... probably enough for now. Hope you are having a good and restful Sunday.

Saturday Afternoon

This afternoon I was planning to make a scrumptious chocolate cake but I forgot to get eggs when I was at the supermarket (don't you hate that) and I'm only one short but I can't be bothered going back, and I want to follow the recipe to the T cos' it is a new one, so I might make something else instead...

But it is a lovely day outside, which all of Auckland is thankful for cos' it has been pretty mad stormy for a while... so it is cold since there is little cloud, but oh so gorgeous.

The husband and I recently discovered that our little lemon tree is really going for it this year. Without much effort on our part, as we have been terrible at keeping the garden decent- I have no clue about these things.

Yet, there are tons of lemons on it! So fun! We've never seen this many before. Bummed about my lack of eggs (haha. in more ways than one huh ladies...) I decided to go take a few pics of our ballooning lemon tree.

Oh ya they look like oranges but they really are lemons...

Cool huh?

(Our yard is in a terrible state, but I think I have managed to hide that fact well in these pics. )

I'm refraining from making any jokes about life literarally handing me lemons, etc. But it is hard to not laugh about that, as it totally matches the season of life the husband and I have been in haha.

Anyway.  I'm going to go have a big think about what to make as it is hard to redirect expectations, especially high ones about having chocolate cake with frosting. (Actually that sounds a lot like something else doesn't it? haha.) Sigh.

Hope you are having a great weekend!

A Morning to Chill

(I took this photo myself!)

It is a gorgeous day today here in Auckland (i.e. not raining). I am trying to get some laundry done (I'm always trying to get some laundry done it seems!) and have hung some (yummy new) sheets outside, but I may still have to stick some laundry in the dryer eventually.

Okay, so laundry is a big obsession in my life (amongst other things) - where to hang it, cos' I don't have a proper line, and whether to use the dryer or not because will it rain, weather is so erratic around here, the machine keeps getting stuck, do we need a new one, etc, etc... haha, but I'll leave my laundry issues aside for now.

I'm not a huge fan of winter (who is?) and I dread pulling out my jeans when it gets here, cos' there is usually no turning back for the next six months, BUT I do love crispy cold mornings when the sun is out. Even though it is brrrrrrr cold, I love the smell of the early cold or freshness and how you can do a bit of outdoor activity without feeling all hot and bothered.

I have the luxury of starting late on Fridays, so today I went for my first walk-run attempt since before my surgery. BEHOLD! I am intact. I was afraid I might literally bust out at the seams (I even held my tummy down a couple times, as if that would help haha), cos' the incisions still have felt a achey here and there, but it is probably more because they are healing. Anyway, it was mostly a comfy walk and it felt good to do that. And good to know the gazillion-grand worth of stitches actually work.

Ahh... I think I'm just glad I made it to Friday. Somehow, I had a really tiring week. Not sure why. I'm also looking forward to the weekend because it is a long weekend for us (Queen's Birthday) and the husband doesn't have to work on Saturday, so we are hoping to have some fun, like a dinner out together, and he has a plan for us to do some kind of day-trip tomorrow! It is a surprise. Exciting!

I hope you have a good end-of-the-week too. Gonna go figure out what to do with the third load of washing as I'm out of hanging-space...

TIME part 1- Waiting

With infertility, one of the things that changes is your perspective on time. For one, your perspective of time in terms of waiting. It is not simply waiting, it is also waiting for what possibly may never come or what may be continually disappointing (kinda like the buses in Auckland haha). Obviously it is not the healthiest thing to be simply obsessed with waiting for a child, but this is also the reality of desiring one and hoping to have kids, and depending on where you're at in your stage of infertility, our perspectives are going to differ.
(There's a poem about waiting- here.)

Anyway, what I was thinking about writing today was the whole idea of distractions and what to do with ourselves NOW so we are not simply focused on 'waiting' in itself.

Hold on. I want to emphasise that it is not my intention to say that we should be all about waiting to get pregnant and pop a baby out. I understand that at the moment I do have a 'goal' to be a mother, but I'm learning it is not for me to 'achieve' or decide. I do believe we can grow to have a bigger-picture perspective than that- and that God intends for more to life than that. All I'm saying is for those of us who are maybe still in the midst of treatment, in between cycles, waiting to see doctors or waiting to make concrete decisions on all these varied issues, I've been trying to figure out how to still live a meaningful and exciting life (haha), despite the 'waiting'.

I say this because practically, the way we look at our months and years are different for now. You know when you're on the infertility/fertility journey when you don't think of weeks and months in terms of normal calendar-type increments, instead you think like this:
- 10 days- roughly at least 10 days between ovulation and when you could be fertile
- 2 weeks- roughly 2 weeks from when you ovulate to when you can find out about pregnancy results
- 4-6-8 weeks- depending on what you're doing, could be 4-6 or 8 weeks for a cycle
- 3 months- if we do get pregnant, this is how long I need to 'set aside' and keep it on the down-low both for medical reasons and before we want to share about it publicly... etc.

and I could list a ton more of these which are more infertility-related like:
- how long till the fertility clinic office hours start?
- how long till the next chat with the nurse?
- how long till the next injection?
- how long it takes provera to work?
- how long it takes climophene to work?
- how long it takes till the next blood test?
- how long till the next appointment with the doctor?
- how long till the next dreaded scan?
- how long will we can start a new cycle?
- how long should we 'break' or rest from treatment?

I'm sure you could come up with some of your own too. Which then impacts the way we plan or schedule our lives- basically you kinda can't. So it becomes this sorta bizarre thing of waiting, but trying not to, but ending up having to anyway. Frustrating, anyone? sigh...