(Sort of) Hanging On!

**Rant ahead**
Man, how I hate the two-week-wait. I hate it so much. I think it is kinda like 'peeing on the stick' but doing it and then waiting 14 days (or 336 hours) to look at the result. Or for some of us (infertility-types) it may even feel like you pee-ed on it three years ago... and you are still waiting for the result. I'm not sure.

It is agonizing and excruciating and every other synonym of 'painful' and 'stupid' you can come up with. I detest how so much hangs on it and how it makes me feel like I'm going insane. Days like these, infertility stuff just plain ol' sucks big time. I want to hammer it out of my life or chuck porcelain plates at it!

'nuff said.
**Rant over**

I should talk about something else before I infect the rest of you with my oozing anxiousness.

Breathe.

If you get the NZ Herald (physically not digitally), go check it out! There's an insert in it that's a magazine about Auckland and while I was flipping through it at work, I suddenly noticed that I'm on the cover. (On the cover like a cover-girl? um... no.)

Let me clarify. There's a crowd on the cover and I'm in the crowd- by my friend Alice. haha. How random is that? Kinda fun though.

(Not the best angle but, see red-singlet-girl at the lower end? That's me. My friend Alice is to the right, not sure if you can see her, a couple of heads away.)

It is from Round The Bays 2006 (I think... years ago anyway) so I'm not sure why they didn't use a newer one, but hay, I'm happy with it. Makes it kinda exciting for me. Too bad no one really reads the (physical) paper much anymore, even we don't. (We're only reading it at the moment cos' we got a subscription recently, as there was a deal with it where you get free movie tickets every month! Yeah they came to our door and bribed... and we caved.)

So. Nice to have a giggle about that. Thank you God for random little things.

Thank you God that you are also God of the big things...

My cousin C has been keeping tabs on me through this blog. Today she wrote a note to me and encouraged me with a verse:

My God, I trust, lean on, rely on, and am confident in You.
Let me not be put to shame or [my hope in You] be disappointed; let not my enemies triumph over me.

Psalm 25:2 (Amplified)

So hard to do though huh?

Feeling pretty helpless today I have to admit. The husband is a big fan of sci-fi and I watched some Fringe episodes with him yesterday. The idea of a parallel universe or a way to fast-forward to the future definitely looks appealing. Some days it feels like 'anywhere but here' might be easier to handle.

Oh Lord I need you so bad!

Soothing the Crazywoman

What things make you cheer up a little?

Tuesday was the day I tried it all...

I had a couple bleak days at the beginning of this week. Hate how it makes me feel like I'm empty at the core. No wonder they call this infertility thing a monster, it rears its ugly head so unexpectedly... Everything makes you cry and everything makes you angry.

(Maybe that's how Venus F feels...)

Maybe it is the currently wonky hormones, maybe it was because I randomly decided to be smart and look up a information sheet on adoption where some random fact just made my hope levels plunge to the bottom, I'm not sure. I think I just get sick of it sometimes. Sick of waiting, sick of being patient, sick of planning my life around 'maybes'... so I just got sad.

So anyway, I went to the mall after my early work-shift. Yes, I love shopping. I love looking at clothes and just looking out for good buys. Ahhh... instant bliss.

Um, not long-lasting though.

The knot in my stomach did not totally go away. I even had a bit of sushi to see if that would ease my prickly emotions. I love sushi. But my appetite is insatiable.

I went home and went out for a walk. Walking is good cos' it makes you breathe. I took my MP3 player with me intending to listen to some music (ahhh music is good...) as I walked as it was a beautiful and cold wintry day with pure blue skies...

...but the battery was dead. Haha. I felt like Ebenezer Scrooge on Christmas Eve.

So I stomped my way around the block and back. It was good but by then I'd realised my thought patterns were just going round and round in circles, a variety pack of all the things I could be insecure about were swarming like bees in a hive.

I knew the best thing was to focus on God's word. I read through a bunch of Psalms and tried to concentrate on the words. (Why didn't I start with that, I don't know.)

I know I say it often but I love turning to the Psalms.

Lord thank you for soothing my sour pruneyness
Some days I feel so lost, but knowing you are at the end of the road is my ultimate comfort.

I also texted a friend in a similar place to me, and it was a relief to know I was not alone. Thank you God for her.

The last thing I should've done to cap the day off would've been to bake a bunch of chocolate-chip-laden cookies and down them with a big cup of tea. But I didn't have time... all my frustrations had fast-forwarded me to dinner time.

(That's probably how you age quicky- be bitter. UhOh. Makes you pruney inside AND out.)

I did have to have a cup of tea with a close friend after dinner though. And that was also a fine way to spend the evening.

But life is weird. I feel like I never know what tomorrow brings.

I feel more 'normal' now. Or close at least. Thankyouverymuch.

(Maybe I should've had nutella on white bread for dessert... )