He's Here He's Here He's Here!!!

My son Toby was born on the 28th of June, Tuesday at 1:23pm NZ time. He weighed 8 lb and is doing so well.

Labour was not good but we survived and we got our baby here.

We are constantly fascinated by this little life that has landed in our laps (quite literally really). We are doing okay but it is definitely a mixture of mad excitement and overwhelming responsibility.

We have a baby son in our house! Ahh!

Anyway. Here are some pics. Talk more soon!

(few hours old!)

(a day old)

(3 days old- first time at home!)

Pregnancy after IF/Loss- Ticking Off My Wishlist (sorta)

I've made it to 38.5 weeks. Who knew I'd ever make it to 'heavily pregnant'?

Think I'm on 10kgs in terms of weight increase so 'heavily' is definitely appropriate. No wonder I'm having trouble getting out of the car, out of bed, off the couch, etc. haha...

ANYWAY. I've been asking myself, "Have I gotten to do everything I wanted to do while being pregnant?"... you know, like when you save up things-to-do for a holiday or Disneyland with a list of things like food to eat and books to read, etc?

I'm FAST getting to the end, and I think so. Here are my 'things':


1
- Wear all the clothes you've been accumulating that you thought you'd one day wear as maternity clothes, or actually are. DO IT.
It has been fun. Though you have to laugh when you start to get sick of stretchy tights or at the fact that I don't fit that well into my maternity jeans anymore- believe it or not, they are too tight when I sit! (Jeanswest has pretty good and affordable maternity jeans.)

2
- Linger while in baby stores and sections.
It was hard to do at first, but you get there as pregnancy progresses (thankful) and it is nice sort of being a 'normal' pregnant woman. Though the silly part is you get tired walking around malls and so shopping stamina isn't what it used to be!

3
- Try not to be apologetic. (That's me.)
If you want a super awesome baby room, go for it! Show it off. You've been staring at that spare room for so long, having it filled with a child's things is so surreal.

($20 change table from trademe and lovely baby basket given to us from a lady at church!)

(baby bunting made by my friend ju! note: photo is deceiving cos' rest of the room is actually filled with random stuff on the floor haha.)

If you want to take lots of belly-photos, do it! We did.

(last week. sammy the dog has started to take part too. he looks a little funny- naked- here cos' his collar is off!)

4
- Celebrate.
As I make my way through this list I think most of them you are iffy with at first, especially if you have been through IF and/or baby loss. That's ok. What I mean is celebrate every day you get to carry this baby, and let others celebrate with you too. Whether it is just with simple things along the way, or a big baby shower at the end, whatever suits your style.

(look at the mad amount of gifts we got! thank you so much.)

5
- Remember the things you wanted to do before dealing with IF/loss made you forget, and do them or consider them again...
For me, it is simple things like thinking about what diaper system to use (though I sort of put that off for now cos' it is a little overwhelming). And random objects I want to buy for the baby one day like gumboots... Or to do with birthing, things you thought you'd try- water birth?

6
- Deal with your Facebook issues haha... (this was personal for me, maybe not for everyone)
You guys know that Facebook can be a source of difficulty for many of us going through IF or baby loss and definitely has been the case for me, so for me I wanted to be careful how I used it during pregnancy.

Yet I didn't want to hold back expressing how God has walked us through this, how thankful we are to be pregnant and to acknowledge that we are being prayed for by many people. (And many overseas friends and family simply wanted to know how it has been.) So... I've done it. I have posted stuff.

This has been tricky and thought I've wanted to be sensitive, I'm sure I haven't done all of it perfectly... but if I'm not sure sometimes I only show certain 'statuses' and 'photos' to certain close family and friends instead of everyone on the list. Of course, it is also just lovely to receive well-wishes and to know others are thinking of us.

7
- Embrace all the baby-baby stuff that you once were allergic to. (It is not wrong.)
I didn't think I would but I have gone on to Babycenter most weeks since the start to find out what 'vegetable' my baby is close in size to. I know it is a random thing to go on for, as Babycenter also offers a lot of other great things about pregnancy and parenting haha, but I've enjoyed it and it has provided a few laughs! This week the baby is like a leek.

Which is very nice and slim. Thankyouverymuch.

HOWEVER, check out the vegetable photo for the next 2 weeks: Watermelon and pumpkin! NO WORDS NEEDED to express how we feel about that.

8
- Do something only pregnant people can. Even if you said you'd never do it...
I have to admit I told friends I'd never do a pregnancy photoshoot because the ones I've seen are so cheesy (please don't be offended) but also, the truth is they have been hard to look at cos' I've been so jealous and envious of those who have been able to take part!

So one day when a sweet friend told me a photography place was doing a session for free, where you also get a couple free prints, I was like, NAH. But then I had a look at their stuff and it was really quite pretty. Plus it was valued at around $300 (wowmama)!

And then I thought, well, if the husband agrees (that'll be a long-shot) that'll help us decide. Turns out, he said yes! And I think we were also both thinking, "When are we gonna be able to do this again?" ... so we went for it.

It was pretty hilarious because we are fairly shy in some ways. Yet we decided to do it and enjoy it. And we did. We may never show those photos to anyone but it was a good laugh and an experience to remember!

Overall, I think I'm trying to say that for us, this has been such a dream come true. Knowing that we really don't know what the future brings, and this may be our only experience of being pregnant for the full NINE months, the husband and I have tried to appreciate and enjoy it where possible.

Thank you God that we have been able to relax in these later months of it and have been able to savour it with help from others.

(have to show off this beautiful baby blanket made my the husband's aunt. mailed all the way from canada. oh and lovely cribset sent to me by my sis-in-law, K, from the u.s. thanks girl!)

Come on baby! We'd love to meet you.

Ten Things at 2pm

1. My baby shower is this coming Sunday. I am very excited about it, yet I'm nervous too! This whole deal is a dream come true. Yet that 'allergy' to baby showers still lingers a little. I'm just stoked that I have friends organising it, friends coming and celebrating with me... even those who are in the midst of waiting. Thanks you guys.

2. Long weekend here (Queens Birthday weekend) so it has been nice. I spent most of Saturday being tired and lying on the couch haha...

3. While I was lying about the house, the husband helped finish off this 'floating shelves and box seats' project that we have been planning for a couple years (yes it takes us a while to get round to it). Love it and love him!

(when we first moved here in 2007... the corner looked like this)

(...then we slowly changed it...)

(...now it looks like this! just need stuff on the shelves.)

4. 36 weeks. I need to do a hospital tour, finish packing my bag and a bag for the baby (yikes!), maybe decorate his room a little if I have time and um... energy etc. Crazy stuff! I think I keep stalling getting the bags packed because it all seems too real and rather scary!

(some days i feel like this. a bit mad-excited that i am having a baby. um... no, nothing to do with me liking this brand of tampons or anything haha.)

5. I have also used one of the baby's waterproof cot mattress protectors (yes dual-purpose! It is a second hand one from my sis-in-law in the U.S. who passed some down. We're so practical it is not funny.) and a towel to line where I sleep, they say to do something like that just in case your waters break while sleeping. Unlikely, according to stats, but why not save our mattress from getting wet with icky waters.

6. As pregnancy has gone on, my bladder is definitely being squished and simply not as strong. Not fun in the night.

7. Thankful for the little group we started at church a few months ago, as a bunch of women praying for each other, to do with infertility and loss... we usually correspond by email but we are planning a get together! Looking forward to it and hoping that God uses us to continue to impact other women around us who may be going through similar things.

8. Been totally craving nasty fried foods and ice-cream... and giving in haha. Hope it doesn't last.

9. The dryer appears to be malfunctioning (ok. definitely not using reusable nappies anytime soon haha!) and some other house bits are falling apart. Bummer timing... Money and time- two things we never seem to have enough of huh- hard not to get frustrated!

10. Where is my brain? If you find it let me know!

(this is me a few weeks ago with a 'delayed' birthday present that i got to open from lovely friends- a beautiful set of china made into a layered cake holder thing! it even says 'april' in the tea cup.)

Photosphotos

Hay... so here are some photos from my past few weeks. Not a grrrrrreat selection but it'll have to do for now!

**Lots of baby-ish stuff. Look away if not ready for it.**

(my friend J is due a month ahead of me. here's a diaper cake i made for her baby shower! very proud of myself. oh and yes crazy straws can come in handy if you're a slight hoarder like me!)

(we also did these super cute cut-outs for her shower deco. L did a lot of work cutting them out- go you! if you want to make them, find them here. )

(the husband and i attended a wedding a couple weekends ago. here we are in the church waiting for the bride, who was very gorgeous!)

(here's us outside the church. we don't normally looks so tidy/fancy i promise.)

(my mom recently went to the states to visit my bro. she brought back some goodies for the baby. here are some baby socks i need to wash... and uh there were a set of bibs that include obvious pink ones, to the right, haha... he won't know...)

(she also brought back his first little toy, a monkey. yes, which is funny cos' the first thing i got him was a monkey-theme thing too. probably will be a bit of a monkey. help. )

(some clothes he's already accumulated- little pile of laundry i need to get done at some point...)

(random blow up green cow we got for him. apparently good for agility hahha. and just fun in general. yeah maybe a bit early for this kinda thing...)

(did white laundry the other day- check out the baby's newborn undershirt vs. the dad's shirt...)

(i seem to have lost a belly-pic that we recently took! so... this one has a part of me in it plus sammy.)

34 weeks! Going well. Saw the mid-wife yesterday. Things still all seem fine and he's actually in a good foetal position which is nice too. (Stay there!) Except it makes me pee a lot and gives me backpains here and there haha but overall is a good thing.

Ok. That's me for today. Talk more soon! Happy Friday!

33 weeks!

How are you doing?

This week I'm at 33 weeks!

GO US!

I don't feel the most fab physically- bit of nausea (taking vitamin B6 to see if that helps), extreme tiredness somedays, back pain when I walk, still having leg cramps in the night (despite my magnesium pills sigh...)! But I know we're doing well and baby seems to be doing fine, so let's try and keep that all in focus haha.

We've prepared the baby room in a basic sense. There's furniture and most of the baby's bits and pieces in there. I still have a bit of organising and clearing-out to do but just will have to do that slowly.

The 'spare' room was always a strong physical reminder for me of the children we were waiting for. Now that we have ACTUALLY been able to prepare it, it is simply quite awesome (ahh!).

Last night we finished our ante natal classes. I think it went well and hopefully we'll form a little group.

I don't know how prepared I feel for labour and post-natal stuff, but at least I have a bit more knowledge now. I definitely feel a bit nervous about the thought of all that pain, but I'm trying not to dwell on it too much because I know I'll just freak myself out- cos' I do that.

There are lots more little things to buy and it is OVERWHELMING how many baby products there are out there. I've got a list but I've sort of stopped 'accumulating' for now as I'll just wait and see what we need and also what my baby shower brings (yes I'm going to have one!)

I'm thankful that we've been able to purchase a heap of stuff second-hand (proud of our bargain hunting skills) and also been given some lovely things already. When I stare at these newborn clothes, it is like oh-my-goodness-oh-my-goodness! (Is that from Annie? I can't remember haha.)

Life has been busy! I wish I was stopping to blog more, but I seem to keep running out of minutes! (Partly cos' I'm tired a lot I think.)

Anyway. Just wanted to write a short update. Don't have any good photos with me right now, but hopefully will post some soon.

Have a lovely mid-week.

P.S. Usually love these updates but this week, Babycenter says the baby is sort of the size of a pineapple right now. A PINEAPPLE! (Talk about a scary visual aid.)

She Ain't Heavy, She's My Mother

Haha. I just wanted to write that title for a giggle. Plus, I'm starting to feel pretty hefty these days. (No, it is not about my own mother haha!)

Some days I'm fine and some days I'm just so wasted. Plus that nausea-feeling is still there. Bummer. Oh well. I don't know how I'm going to carry this load around for two more months but... WE CAN DO IT!

On a different note, it is Mother's Day tomorrow. My mom's away and the husband's mom lives in Canada so we won't be doing much for it in that sense.

I haven't decided about church, though I was fortunate enough to get a sneakpeek into what the service is going to be about (thanks A). I am thankful for that, but regardless of the content, I have a feeling I'll still be bawling my eyes out in the back. I mean, I already do that at a normal service! So we'll see.

I don't know if being pregnant makes this year much different. Here's one woman's take on Mother's Day and being a mom after infertility.

Here's another angle- Mother's Day for a motherless daughter.

And here's one for those who are not quite sure if they'll ever be mothers...

Life is interesting huh. I started this post this morning. Here I am at almost 9pm trying to finish it! In between I emailed a friend who's going through a tough time to do with recurrent pregnancy loss, a dear friend who's going through primary infertility, and I helped throw a baby shower for a close friend. And here I am capping it off writing about Mother's Day.

And oh, on a side note, I thought it was curious that Anna Jarvis, who founded Mother's Day as a kind of holiday, was an unmarried woman herself and had no kids. I guess I just wonder how she felt and also what she'd think if she knew Mother's Day has become a big worldwide thing now.

Whether you are celebrating your mom tomorrow or hiding at home with as much distraction as possible, I'm thinking of you and know that you're allowed to have a wonderful day of celebration, but also if it is a crappy or confusing day, that's okay too.

(don't tell my mom i put this up. that's her with my bro and i.)

P.S. My mom's about 5ft and maybe 50kgs. She's definitely not heavy.

Bunch 'O' Thoughts- Baby, Birthdays, Easter

(bunch)

Baby-related thoughts
1. So weird. You spend four years waiting for a baby and now that he's on the way... I feel totally unprepared.

I think my brain has been so centered on how to conceive and keep pregnancy going, now maybe compared to normal women, I have a lot to catch up on with the thought of labour and post-natal care! We'll get there...

2. Feels a bit like a dream. Every now and then, like when I wake up and am lying on the bed, I forget that I'm pregnant. Then I try to get up... and I remember I'm pregnany cos' I can't get up haha.

3. It is just amazing to think that the baby will look like the husband and I. I can't get over this! I stare at the husband and am so excited to see how the baby will resemble him. In our heads, we were prepared for a baby that didn't look like us (adoption) and we're still keen on that one day... but it has been surprisingly hard to switch our heads back!

4. I tried out this ante-natal swimming class the other day. It was so much fun! Only pregnant women (and maybe seniors) have the excuse to goof-off in the swiming pool/ do odd exercises and get away with it. I also got to make a couple of new friends, so hopefully I'll get to know them better...

CELEBRATION- some stuff I'm learning (probably from my dear friend C, and maybe TV haha)
5. Birthdays
Birthdays can be hard. Especially if you are dealing with IF, birthdays sort of stare you in the face like a horrible countdown timer. I know I'm still 'young', but birthdays have begun to carry more weight in the past couple years. This year I loved hanging out with the husband and just having some time to ourselves. (We went to Rotorua. Thanks for house-sitting, KP!) It was great as it has felt so hectic these past months.

Here are some ideas to deal with birthdays... at least for me.
a) Embrace them! Whether quietly or loudly, let it be a time to celebrate your life thus far and think about something else for a while.

b) Make it kinda like some other big occasion- Christmas, New Year, Chinese New Year haha etc. For me, I unofficially make it Birthday Week or Birthday Month (yes, kinda like Oprah or Ellen on TV)... do small things you've been wanting to do for youself- bake treats, get hair done etc.

c) Get an outfit? I like clothes. Make a birthday shirt (yes with your age somewhere on it if you dare), or get a fun dress... if you're not into clothes, I've thought of a necklace with the numbers of your age on it or some crafty project to commemorate the specific year. Why not?

(this year i got a polka dot dress as my 'birthday outfit' haha. pictured with mintchocchip frappucino.)

d) Let others do stuff for you if they want to. If someone offers to pamper you with a meal or movie, let them! I loved that I got a cake baked for me.

e) Food- I celebrate with food a lot, and I know many others do, so keep that as a part of the birthday deal!

f) Party- I am not a party-thrower, but a friend recently did one as her birthday co-incided with the Royal Wedding. She had a girl's night and guests came in their wedding dresses or bridesmaids dress, etc. It was such a clever idea! And a great way to have a night of fun.

6. Easter
Like many others, I've 'saved' up ideas in my head on what I'd do if I had kids... even though many 'holidays' mean more than just family activities, it does get hard when it is a reminder that you don't have children.

This year, even though we are not far from having this baby, we had our own little Easter Egg Hunt. Just the two of us.

The weather hasn't been fab at all, so we just got allocated parts of the house, the husband hid the pink and yellow eggs (for me) and I hid the green and blue ones. Sammy the dog had a hard time figuring out what we were doing! It was a short hunt as it was just indoors, but it was still a little burst of fun and silliness. (I kinda laugh that I'm trying to embrace this 'life of two' more now as this we are becoming three... typical huh.)

Note to Baby

Dear Baby,

Yesterday I got to see you at a scan! We are at 30 weeks (31 in two days!). It is amazing to think that the countdown is in single digits!


We think we may have a name for you. We are not totally sure, but we have two options in the running. Hopefully one of them will work out for you. It'll be helpful to give you a name, or I might keep calling you 'The Kid' when you arrive, like I have been.


The other night you were squirming around so much that we could see you from the outside! It made me realise how big you are getting and how I will get to meet you soon. Your dad has been able to see that too, and feel you moving, which has been very special.


We have done many things together. We went swimming for the first time the other day. We've also recently been to Rotorua, Nelson, Tirau, etc. (We also accidently walked out the supermarket with some unpaid plastic Easter egg shells that got left in the trolley, that I need to go back and pay for before they post us on some, 'Have you seen this woman?' part of a crime show. Oops.)


We watched the Royal Wedding, which was pretty exciting. Kate's dress was awesome. Though I'm nervous about having a kid that will become a young man, but we'll deal with that when we get there.


I'm trying to be good and eat healthy, but the other day it was my birthday so we did indulge in a few lavish treats around that time.

(me with ice-cream!)

(my friend kp made red velvet cake. beautiful & yum.)

It was also Easter, which made it harder to resist some of the temptations. We got you measured and you seem to be of good size, and not a big (diabetic) baby, so we are okay for now. I have been trying though.


It is crazy to think that the ultrasound could also estimate your weight. It looks like you are about somewhere over 3 pounds now. Which means you probably will still double in size! It already feels pretty tight in there.


Anyway. I'm thankful for your strong and healthy heartbeat. You also seem to be growing nice long limbs. Plus we got a glimpse of you poking your tongue out (maybe?)...


In the meantime we are trying to make space for you, so I hope we will be prepared when you arrive! We have been attending ante-natal classes with other women carrying babies in their fish-bowl-like tummies so maybe you will have friends? We'll see...


Just seems unreal that we have gotten to this stage. At 32 weeks I can deliver you at North Shore Hospital (as opposed to Auckland Hospital where there is specialist care), but of course we want you to 'marinate' for longer.


Talk again soon,

your carrier/mother.

"Is this your first baby?"

(avoid conversation with this woman! she often doesn't know what to say and cries easily! haha.)

When we were at the wedding in Nelson a couple weekends ago, this was a question that came up a few times. I've asked it myself and I really don't mind it as it is just a part of conversation, as what they are actually asking is, "Do you have any other kids?"

But it caught me by surprise when it was asked of me! Because I know the simple answer is 'Yes'. And yet the more correct answer is 'No'. And yet I didn't want anyone to feel uncomfortable, because they really weren't asking for my life-story.

Then again I'm someone who likes meaningful conversation, so I find myself torn and hesitating for a split second, which I'm sure seems weird if you were the 'asker' as you'd think it'd be a pretty easy one!

Anyway. I usually just answer a polite yes, so that the whole group conversation can move on... but last night, I got a little bold.

I was at someone's house and I got talking with one woman. Maybe because it was a one-to-one conversation and we already knew her husband a little, I'm not sure... so when she asked me, "Is this your first baby?", I decided to take the plunge and I said, "Well, you know, this is actually not my first pregnancy, but yes it is the first baby that has come this far along and we're stoked!"

I wasn't sure where this was going to take us but I trust that this was God thing because then we went on to have a conversation about infertility. She shared with me that they have gone through infertility themselves, have not been able to get pregnant, and are currently living life as two.

We didn't get to chat for very long, but it was a major connection point (had to blink back tears), and I appreciate that she opened up. It is a tough topic to be talking about with someone you just met! On my end of course it is always special to share with someone like her that I'm pregnant, as she understands how huge of a miracle it is too.

I'm not sure where I was heading with this post! But I guess I was thinking, sometimes it is worth the risk being vulnerable as you never know, you might find someone who's been on a similar path too! (And it is kinda like a painfully special scar you share.)

Sweet Saturdays

Ok maybe not the best title for this post because I'm supposed to be keeping my sweet-tooth at bay for now. But is has been a nice Saturday so far, so... here I am!

Thought I'd better try and write a little something before I go and lie down.

1. TODAY- Feeling pretty proud of myself today. Got a few errands done this morning including going to the bank and getting a few gifts... including spending a Christmas voucher I got given- all for me! I got a necklace that has a pocket watch on the end. Kinda fun huh? It is a pretty brassy/gold old-look necklace, where the face cover pops open and the watch actually works! (Thanks C!)

(there it is!)

2. DISCOVERY- Yesterday I met a friend for coffee and I thought I'd be sneaky and try and check out a shop just beforehand, as I was early... BUT I can no longer walk quickly, so was a couple minutes late haha! The baby in my belly is starting to get a little prominent, so I struggled to get to the cafe on time! The things you learn. (And my shopping stamina has definitely waned...)

3. 28- This week we're at 28 weeks. Next week I'm turning 29 and I'll be in my 29th week! Fun huh? Just a little random fact for you.

4. PREP- Preparing for the baby has been good fun, though there still seems to be so many little things to think about... I keep putting some off but I'm realising I can't do that for too long haha. We attended our first ante natal class this week. Who knew we'd be sitting in a roomful of pregnant couples, us included? It is definitely weird to be 'on the other side' of where I was at, yet being still the very same person.

5. HMMM... It is interesting that like most other IF-ers, all I thought about for the last few years was how to get pregnant and stay pregnant, and it is hard to transition to thinking, "uh oh... how will I get this baby out?"...

6. BRAIN- So I have lost quite a few brain cells. I used to be such an unbeliever of 'baby brain' but I've had to eat my words. I still maintain that this is only funny because I am 'normally' pretty 'with it'... but we'll see!

 Here's a list of things I've done:
- opened the fridge and found a packet of half-eaten girl-guide cookies in there (no we don't store it in there)
- similarly, opened the fridge and found my big soya sauce bottle next to the milk (what was it doing there!)
- offered my husband a glass of water then proceeded to search for the glasses (I've lived here four years people)
- stood in the shower and could not remember if I'd already shampooed my hair or not!
- looked at the hand my friend held out to me, with his palm facing up, as we were agreeing on something, then SHOOK IT instead of slapping it (like a lo-five kinda thing). Oh that was bad, and didn't realise what I'd done til after!
- lost stuff (and I never lose stuff!)

so anyway... much more to say but I'm fading here at 3:30pm haha... took a photo of my new necklace but can't find the file from the webcam ugh. LATER!

A light 10 Things at Twelvish

1. We make it to 26 weeks on Monday! Very exciting. Which means 14 weeks to go?

2. Have been trying hard not to get too shoppy-shoppy-crazy for baby clothing until later... can't help it though. I love shopping! (Bought myself a couple items yesterday. How bad is it that fun clothes make me happy! But I mean, I did find a navy dress with little hearts on it and it was on the sale rack... how can that not bring anyone joy? haha.)

3. Had a long list of to-dos for this morning (Saturday) but I'm only through two things- laundry (not even done) and making dinner (spinach-lentil lasagne anyone?) for a friend who just had a baby- and I'm ready for a nap! Think we will spread the list to tomorrow too...

4. Leg-cramp marathon last night in bed! Ahhh. Not fun. But also have not been keeping up with my magnesium pills so may just be my own fault cos' it is supposed to help. (I tried to cheat by eating a banana and have a magnesium pill right before bed but didn't do much haha...) Keep waking the husband to help me rub out the pain but doesn't always work!

5. Having a fun staff hang-out this evening so I'm looking forward to that. Actually I'm also looking forward to this 'German Chocolate Cake' someone's bringing haha. Have not tried it!

(google images says it looks like this.)

6. Also looking forward to not wearing a uniform out cos' we have a staff t-shirt that we have to wear at work, so I'm missing wearing my normal clothing!

7. **Blog post writing interval- had lunch, folded some laundry, sat around and ate chocolate, etc. **

8. Thank you Lord for dishwashers (ahhh pure bliss!), washing machines and dryers (it has been raining)!

9. Totally not that exciting for most, but exciting for me (and maybe Ruth if you read this?)... I finally bought a pair of pinking shears/scissors (cuts zig-zags) and a pair of fabric scissors (who knew they cost more than normal scissors!). Both of which I will label with bright tags maybe so the husband doesn't cut random wires with it or dog-beef-jerky or something. Bunting-making here I come! (So I say...)

(something like this maybe?)

 

10. This is me (and the husband) after a fun-walk event a team of us did a couple weeks ago (the husband was a driver, it is not his thing haha) ... hope you guys are doing ok out there!

Ten things at Twelvish

(wrong time. oh well.)

1. Thankful for pancakes this morning (after dreaming about them haha). YUM.

2. Thankful for a Saturday morning to chill and catch up with thoughts and things (laundry haha).

3. Thankful for some time I spent yesterday with two special friends who'd gone through miscarriages recently. It was good to catch up with them and just comforting to be able to talk about our 'children we've never met' openly and without reserve or feeling bad/weird. Glad we finally got to hang out!

4. Thankful for the Christchurch Earthquake Memorial Service that I watched this morning online cos' I missed it yesterday. It was hard to watch of course, but also a bittersweet reminder of God's power and strength in times of great need.

5. Thankful for God's supernatural comfort in times of deep sadness and grieving. Some dear friends have had to say goodbye to their dear tiny daughter, Eden Grace, who was 17 days old. She was born at 26 weeks of pregnancy. Her life was a miracle in itself, but it is so hard too... and I'm praying for her parents and brother as they cope with their loss. I cannot imagine how hard this is for them.

6. Thankful for the power of music that touches us even if we come from different perspectives and backgrounds. They sang a few beautiful songs at the Christchurch Memorial Service- like Amazing Grace and Welcome Home.

7. Thankful that my sis-in-law, K, was unhurt in a car accident this past week, where her SUV was turned on its side! Also cool that the kids were at home with my brother. Praying for them as this stuff is still always scary and can be stressful.

8. Thankful for soft-serve. Ya, serious.

(not my pic)

Haha yes. I love them. Plus, I don't know why it took me so long to catch on that the vanilla soft-serve cones at McDonald's are only 60-cents! Is there anything else that cheap around here?

I usually get the hot fudge/chocolate sundaes in a cup that cost way more. So I think I'll switch over to the cones... plus they probably are 'less bad' haha... NOW if only they had the half-chocolate and half-vanialla twist ones here... ahhhhh that'd be heaven. You know those? They don't have them here in NZ...

( AND Do you know? I used to have the Fisher-Price McDonald's Kitchen set, like this, yes they whole big thing with the drive through window and kitchen. The soft-serve machine was my favourite part!!!)

9. Thankful that we have made it to 24 weeks and 5 days of pregnancy.

It is fascinating and awesome to think that if I had the baby now (of course not ideal but just saying...) he would have a chance at surviving outside the womb. It would be registered as a birth in some countries, not sure about here. Just quite a thought! Praising God for this life.

10. Thankful for my mother who continues to feed me. She's been bringing me pots of food so that I don't have to cook that much. They last the husband and I a few meals a week.

It is a massive blessing because I've been so tired and some evenings I work, so it makes it very convenient. However, I hope she isn't using up all her cooking stamina because I'll need it more when baby comes!

Had a lunch break between writing point 8. and points 9.-10. so now it is like almost two! haha. Have a good day out there.

Mercy

(pic of pie because... truth is, i often WANT pie but i don't necessarily always deserve it (?)... ok long shot- but I couldn't think of anything else to put as the photo haha)

Isn't it interesting how when you go through different chapters in life, some themes stand out to you more than others?

'Mercy' seems like such an old-fashioned word to me, and sorta religious and loaded... yet this is what I've been thinking about. Over and over...

This baby is such a crazy ridiculous miracle. I think every baby is a miracle really, but this one is has been so in-your-face massive for me.

I feel undeserved. And that's why I think I'm realising the extent of God's mercy. He didn't need to do this. We asked for it, yes, and of course some days I did feel like 'argh you owe me!' (er... probably plus a few more nasty words), but REALLY it wasn't our right to get the answer we wanted... and I am trying to grasp that.

It is not my right to be a mother... but God has shown me grace and mercy. I'm repeating this because it blows my mind. I can't even fully comprehend it. Yet this is such a big part of the Christian life too- being given what we never deserved in the first place, life and freedom through Christ.

So here I am carrying a little baby boy. And I am four months away from meeting him.

The flip side is I wonder if I'd have felt this way if this was earlier in the journey... did I need all that time to loosen my hold on my desire to control and WANT? I don't know and I don't think it is just about me...

But also the out-of-this-world nature of 'our story' having been such a mad one, makes it all the more awesome what God's done and the emphasis more on Him. It makes it so clear who's in charge...

Here's a song from an album I've been listening too lately (ya still loving this album A and thanks Kathy)... it isn't totally related to this subject, and is more about being in the depths of (I think) grief and suffering... but what has lingered with me are the lines:

Bind up these broken bones
Mercy bend and breathe me back to life
But not before you show me how to die



Maybe this is what I'm learning?

Hmmm... anyway. Just some thoughts.

Dream a Little Dream With Me

Since I ended that last post (though it was a week or something ago) on a 'shopping' thought... why not keep going with it? Plus my mad pregnancy dreams are still going strong, so let's combine them for something a bit more fun.

Some of you are mothers, while some of you are hoping to be... are there any items for a baby or a young child that you love that you had or you wish that you got/would like to get one day?

Just curious. Even things that are super-unnecessary but may be just look cool or very expensive but would-be-nice?

I realise I may or may not have that many opportunities to prepare for a baby... Why not dream a little while we're at it?

SO. I totally don't need one (yet) but I'm kinda obsessed about BUMBO chairs at the moment. Hahaha.

I think cos' they come in cute colours and are made of that weird squishy-foam/rubbery texture. Plus both my nephews had one so I think I just am associating it with cute memories of them!

ANYWAY.

Short one for now. Talk more soon.

Pregnancy after IF and miscarriage- Confessions

(er... admitting more than one thing really.)

I have been thinking to admit some things about what it has been like being pregnant after infertility and miscarriage... I've hoped for this blog to be a place others can come to and feel some relief, but this has also been a safe place for me to say things that I may not dare share in real life.

So this may seem indulgent but I've always wanted to be open in this blog so here goes...

1. Especially when I was not yet 12-14 weeks, I was very nervous about noticing bleeding... What would I do, how would I handle it? Thankfully this feeling has subsided, especially from the 'fear of miscarriage' perspective... I think taking one day at a time is/was the only way!

2. I am just going to put this one out there. As much as we are so grateful to be 'pregnantly surprised', and naturally too, it was hard to not be slightly resentful that we could not experience the bliss and naievete of not knowing any other scenario.

When we found out we were pregnant, there was no jumping in the air or hi-fives, just us looking like we saw a ghost. And I felt a little stink for disbelieving this dear little baby was real! (Please know we have squealed in delight and are celebrating this little baby... it just took a while to get there!)

3. I secretly hoped that having had a rocky road before this, pregnancy would be easy (i.e. less nausea-feeling please!) ... um... no, doesn't work like that haha!

4. We had ultrasounds/scans at around 6, 8 and 10 weeks, then later on at 19 weeks. It was so bizarre having them all be 'normal'. I wanted to say, "Are you sure? Are you sure?"...

5.  Doing extra bloods and scans were not bad as they brought much information and therefore helped with the anxiety about the pregnancy, but progesterone inserts! (Yes inserts... pessaries? Whatever you call them...)

Those of you who have had to do them- big ups to you! I hated them so bad. You do them for 6-8 weeks (like 50+ days) and it is two little 'pills' 3 times a day, which is 300+ of them!!! Loved it when the specialist said, "You can wean off the progesterone now!". Fortunately I only needed to do a few weeks for this round. Phew.

6. There are still leftover fertility drugs in my fridge and a sharps bin in my closet (from September)... you just get used to them being around... then you realise you may ACTUALLY not need them for the 'next' round cos' this one is actually progressing...

7. I still get a twinge of envy when I find out suddenly that someone is pregnant like really soon after trying. I know this sounds so selfish and terrible but I do. I think it may get better eventually... Lord help me.

8. I wish I had a t-shirt that said something like "If you're waiting for a bump like this... hang in there!", as we all know what it is like to stare at someone like me.

SO... Having said all this, I'm currently 22.5 weeks and everything is still looking good. Today I'm going to go look at some baby things with my fab friend C. Who knew we'd be here in this position? Praise God for being generous and full of grace.

Pregnancy- Things I'm Experiencing

We've made it to 22 weeks. (Oh yeah!) Here are some things I have been experiencing... mostly 'normal' pregnancy symptoms really.

(handy having a dog to pose next to usually boring furniture. here's our cot! or crib.)

1. I need to eat frequently or I turn into a kind of mad monster. This was me before pregnancy too but it is worse now.

2. The morning sickness does leave but I still feel the 'sick' or weird 'nausea' feeling in the evenings/randomly.

3. When I feel tired at night, I'm seriously tired. Cannot function.

4. I needed softer bras early on... felt rather squished!

5. I feel huge but to others it doesn't look that huge really. But even at this stage, the round tummy does actually get in the way! Having trouble bending over or picking stuff up- already!

6. I am thirsty all the time. I even have a glass of water next to my bed to drink through the night... ice-water is a new best friend.

7. Which also means I pee a lot. Typical really. Getting quite good at manouvering around my bed in the dark.

8. Pregnancy brings on sneezing and a runny nose for me! Partly aggravates allergies too. Who knew? (I know some of you did.)

9. Dreams... I don't like them! I get lots at the moment and they are mostly weird and sad/scary.

10. Other night-time issues- cramps! Leg cramps. Not cool and rather freaky to be woken up by pain in the night. But my mom had them so I was prepared.

11. The baby's  little movements and 'thud-thuds' are very cool and a great reminder that things are still moving along. Oh gosh.

12. Hearing his heartbeat at the mid-wife's (again last week) continues to be a highlight. His heartbeat is there and still going strong! Thank you Lord!

13. Definitely a lot of things on my mind... grateful too as being able to plan for a baby is much of a dream come true.

14. Sadly I continue to prove that 'baby brain' is real. Have made many mistakes and slip-ups. Not my usual alert and clever self... haha.

Need to go rummage for food now before work... hope you guys are doing well.

What To Do

It seems silly to be writing a blog post when there are people in Christchurch waiting to be rescued after the earthquake. It has barely been twenty-four hours and yet so much has happened! I think many of us in Auckland feel helpless as there's nothing we can do except sit, watch and pray.

I feel like infertility and loss has taught me again and again that you can live life in 'two dimensions' (or levels?). Like you live the everyday and try your best with your daily activities where you move and and keep going in hope, but your inner life can be filled with much commotion like painful waiting or grief that you don't/can't wear on the outside.

I think this is what it is like in a disaster situation too... you are trying to get on with life or be pro-active in doing something, but your insides (heart, mind, etc.) is swarming with questions and emotion.

The hard part is sometimes the two seem to be in contrast, like me typing at my computer in my safe little Auckland-bubble, while thinking and praying for others who are in absolute danger or looking for missing family.

So..  transitioning to my small world, I was thinking to write a quick update. I've made it to 21 weeks! I'm past halfway. The husband managed to feel movements for the first time the other day too. That was very exciting and emotional for me! Thankful!

It has been neat for me to share about this pregnancy with others. In doing so I've learnt more about the journeys of other people I've come across. Just in the past few weeks three people I've spoken to have revealed that they also had trouble conceiving at some point- one had secondary infertility and the other two also went through a time of primary infertility.

What's interesting is that if I didn't share about our difficulties, they probably wouldn't have either! It is definitely extra cool sharing with people who understand how huge this is to us.

Lastly, Esther wrote this post today that was vulnerable and food-for-thought, whether we are dealing with IF or in other tricky situations. Thought it was definitely one for sharing.

Hope you are ok out there? Thanks for reading!

In the News This Week

Been aching to write more but it has been a tiring couple weeks. Life can be sticky sometimes huh. There's gunk at the bottom of the sink, there are dentist visits that cost a couple hundred dollars, and there are issues inside of me that God is trying to sort out that make me cry into my bowl of lunch at home when a meaningful song comes on! haha... sigh... ANYWAY. Here are some other headlines.

1.

Limping Dog Has Knee Problem

 

Poor Sammy was found to have some knee damage from one of his many mad leaps from the yard to the deck, but thankfully he didn't need surgery. Finding all that out cost us over $400. And if he'd needed a procedure it would've been $1500. Pretty much like if a normal person had private knee surgery. That would've been very sucky. In the meantime, how do you tell a dog that thinks he's TIGGER, not to run?

2.

Woman Finally has Haircut

The other day I looked like this... (we went out to Takapuna for a coffee and had dessert too. Yay!)

Now I look like this... (Tried to have the dog in the photo so that it wasn't so weird just taking a photo of myself haha... but he keeps looking away.)

I found a new place to cut my hair. The lady was lovely and I'm totally going back to her, but I have to say I had one of those 'IF conversations'. It wasn't too bad at all, but I can see how scenarios like this can turn us into some crazy-IF-er if encountered on the wrong day... This is how it went after we conversed for a while:

Stylist: Do you have kids?

Me: No, but I'm actually pregnant. (Decided to just say it. Pretty obvious these days anyway...)

Stylist: Oh I thought so but didn't want to assume. (Which was very sweet of her.) How long have you been married?

Me: Six years.

Stylist: Oh you took a while to start then!

Me: Um... we wanted to start having children about three years ago but it just 'took us a while'... (Decided to keep it vague.)

Stylist: Well, sometimes I think your body just gets used to not conceiving and just doesn't know what to do for a while...

Me: MmmHmmmm... (I know she was trying to be kind and part of her theory may be based on her own experience as she has a large age-gap between her kids- who knows! But anyway, I decided not to pursue it and left it at that!)

Also this week, I had an actually-terrible conversation about baby loss with someone... but we won't keep going on this today. I think I'll leave it for now!

3. 

Dishwasher is A-GO-GO!

At Christmas, we got given money from both my parents and my in-laws to go towards some home improvement things, one of which was a dishwasher! I've been desiring one for a while. Very thankful!

Took us a few weeks but the husband and his clever self managed to figure out how best to fit it into our kitchen... He did a bunch of work re-sizing the one cabinet and getting a new countertop ($15 from trademe!). 

And along with the electrician and plumber, we got there!

4.

Blog Wins Second Award

There are some fun awards going around and this week I won an award from Jen. Thanks! Honoured! I have also won an award from Grace before but I never passed it on. Ugh... Terrible! So I will pass them on this time. Hopefully in my next post.