In the News This Week

Been aching to write more but it has been a tiring couple weeks. Life can be sticky sometimes huh. There's gunk at the bottom of the sink, there are dentist visits that cost a couple hundred dollars, and there are issues inside of me that God is trying to sort out that make me cry into my bowl of lunch at home when a meaningful song comes on! haha... sigh... ANYWAY. Here are some other headlines.

1.

Limping Dog Has Knee Problem

 

Poor Sammy was found to have some knee damage from one of his many mad leaps from the yard to the deck, but thankfully he didn't need surgery. Finding all that out cost us over $400. And if he'd needed a procedure it would've been $1500. Pretty much like if a normal person had private knee surgery. That would've been very sucky. In the meantime, how do you tell a dog that thinks he's TIGGER, not to run?

2.

Woman Finally has Haircut

The other day I looked like this... (we went out to Takapuna for a coffee and had dessert too. Yay!)

Now I look like this... (Tried to have the dog in the photo so that it wasn't so weird just taking a photo of myself haha... but he keeps looking away.)

I found a new place to cut my hair. The lady was lovely and I'm totally going back to her, but I have to say I had one of those 'IF conversations'. It wasn't too bad at all, but I can see how scenarios like this can turn us into some crazy-IF-er if encountered on the wrong day... This is how it went after we conversed for a while:

Stylist: Do you have kids?

Me: No, but I'm actually pregnant. (Decided to just say it. Pretty obvious these days anyway...)

Stylist: Oh I thought so but didn't want to assume. (Which was very sweet of her.) How long have you been married?

Me: Six years.

Stylist: Oh you took a while to start then!

Me: Um... we wanted to start having children about three years ago but it just 'took us a while'... (Decided to keep it vague.)

Stylist: Well, sometimes I think your body just gets used to not conceiving and just doesn't know what to do for a while...

Me: MmmHmmmm... (I know she was trying to be kind and part of her theory may be based on her own experience as she has a large age-gap between her kids- who knows! But anyway, I decided not to pursue it and left it at that!)

Also this week, I had an actually-terrible conversation about baby loss with someone... but we won't keep going on this today. I think I'll leave it for now!

3. 

Dishwasher is A-GO-GO!

At Christmas, we got given money from both my parents and my in-laws to go towards some home improvement things, one of which was a dishwasher! I've been desiring one for a while. Very thankful!

Took us a few weeks but the husband and his clever self managed to figure out how best to fit it into our kitchen... He did a bunch of work re-sizing the one cabinet and getting a new countertop ($15 from trademe!). 

And along with the electrician and plumber, we got there!

4.

Blog Wins Second Award

There are some fun awards going around and this week I won an award from Jen. Thanks! Honoured! I have also won an award from Grace before but I never passed it on. Ugh... Terrible! So I will pass them on this time. Hopefully in my next post.

Random Ten Things at 10am

We have a team planning day ahead so let's see if I can squeeze a post in.

1. Saturday! How are you doing? Hope you have a good weekend. Are you doing anything with your man for Valentine's Day? We're not big V-Day types around here but we are thinking we might go have ice-cream tomorrow or something.

2. Check out this blog if you are into making crafty things for Valentines Day! There are so many crazy good ideas in here.

3. If you like photos and photography, check out this guy's stuff of his kids. They are such brilliant photos! Though I'm not sure how he does them. Helps that he is a professional photographer I guess haha... Here's his blog too if you want some recent/ongoing photos of them.

4. We have started a mini prayer network, called 'IF & When' at our church for those going through infertility and/or pregnancy loss... or just lots of waiting for children in general. I am so thankful that we have been able to do this and I'm hoping and praying that it will be a good support and encouragement to women at church and maybe even those in our community later on.

It is so exciting to see how God can use these hard and painful issues to connect some of us together...

5. My blog friend Heather wrote this beautiful post the other day. It is sort of along the same lines of a post I wrote a couple weeks ago, about how we, as wives, might feel about our husbands in this time of waiting for children.

6. I'm continually humbled by the number of people who have told me that they have been praying for the husband, baby and I. It is amazing. Thank you God for how sneakily and wonderfully You work!

I guess us being fairly open about our journey has allowed the information to be 'out there' so there are people who I don't know very well who have been thinking of us and praying for us. It means so much to me finding that out!

And it teaches me a thing or two because I really struggle to pray consistently for others, yikes. But anyway. Feeling very blessed.

** Pregnancy/Baby talk **

7. Our scan! It went very well. They checked on the baby's anatomy with so much detail. You could see so much (and we only did the normal scan, not the 3D one)... things look good... so relieved!

8. A boy! Very thankful that we got to find that out, as we were hoping to. We would've loved a girl too, so either is great of course. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't dreaming it up and just have some big grapefruit stuck in there. Honestly, yes was anxious. haha...

Yay!!!!! We kinda walked around in shock for a little while after. Is this for real?

9. So on Monday I make it to 20 weeks and that will be officially halfway. Ohmygosh. I kinda want the pregnancy to hurry up, so that I can meet this baby. I want to meet you! But I know I need to treasure these days too. So it is a funny feeling.

** Over and Out **

10. I'm feeling so much better but still tired a lot! Sigh... Hope you have had a good week? I'd better start getting ready. Think this was one of the fastest posts I've done. (Sorry if sentences are a bit choppy.) GO ME! Have a great weekend guys.

He Would Make a Good Dad

Did you cry too when you watched the scene in Up when they did a montage of their marriage and they found out the couldn't have kids?

I even blinked back a few tears the other day in Tangled when the queen looks at the king and he is weeping because his daughter is missing. It felt so familiar.

How do you describe the impact of infertility or loss on a marriage? How do you express what you feel when you know your beloved is longing for the same thing you are and you are both helpless?

I may be pregnant and embracing it. (I mean, I even braved up today and entered my due date in the (usually evil) Babycenter website so they could send me stuff I should be thinking about, etc)... But the experiences don't leave you... at least not for a while.

These two powerful posts from Life As Two are SO worth reading.
You can read Funny Face first, as it is what the second post, A Father's Love, is then based on.

I know our journey has not been like theirs, but the feelings are so similar. She couldn't have put it in a better way.

New

(New laundry line that my in-laws provided for us!)

Hi there. As I write this I have laundry in the machine that's done but I can't quite get myself to hang it up just yet (despite the nice new laundry hangy thing we have which is fab, plus it is summer...), the husband is mowing the lawn and Sammy is walking in and out of the house bringing cut grass with him. Ha. New year but life goes on huh!

(This was Sammy this morning, enjoying the sunshine out back!)

Happy New Year! I don't know if I quite know how to approach beginning a new year these days. I'm learning to pray for God's plan to unfold, and for Him to help us deal with it if it is not always what we want haha. Sigh. Of course there are also so many things to be thankful for in the past year... and a new year to look ahead also brings much hope, which is refreshing... but the whole 'new year' thing is one of those things that we all do differently I guess. Any traditions?

Anyway. I just wanted to write a quick post. I'm in the midst of updating my calendars. Yes I physically write dates in my new calendar and new diary. Yeah a bit old school but kinda fun. And I'm one of those people that has to be on a roll and has to keep up with it or I lose it and it never gets done! So can't be too long here haha.

The husband's birthday was on New Year's Eve and I just wanted to celebrate him a little. He is a fabulous husband and I can't say enough about him. I've been a terrible wife these last couple months because the morning/all-day sickness and fatigue has been pretty killer, yet he has dealt with it and not complained. (Besides making a cheesecake for his birthday I didn't even do much else! Thankfully my in-laws were here from Canada and my parents came over too... so that was still a treat and we had a little dinner for him. ) 

(Baked cappucino cheesecake! Recipe here.)

The husband is everything I could ask for. I also love that we are such good friends and companions and I am so thankful for that.

(Recent wedding we were at!)

Our new nephew was born on his birthday (yeah!) so that was a super cool birthday present for him. Of course, this baby we are expecting is also a gift- early Christmas gift, birthday gift, everything gift really. I think we are still so overwhelmed and will continue to be for a while. We make it to 14 weeks today which is unbelievable. AAhhhhhhhh!!! (Due date is 4th of July!)

The past couple years have been a bit tumultuous for the husband and so I'm praying for a calmer year and a also a year of healing from all the 'drama' that has left us a little bruised.

Anyway. This was a bit of a random post but just wanted to say hi and hope you have had a good start to the new year. Who knows what's in store?

(This was us saying GOODBYE to 2010. Then I really had to go to bed and the husband went to enjoy some fireworks with friends haha.)

[oh. the husband hung up the laundry for me. ahh. sweet guy! haha.]

Married for Six Years!

(not us. stock photo.)

This past weekend, the husband and I celebrated our 6th year wedding anniversary. Woopwoop! We had breakfast together (at McDonald's haha) and also had a lovely dinner at a nice restaurant.

We have also started this random tradition of getting a gift for each other only on the day, where we go to a mall, set a budget (this year it was $20 each) and a time limit and go find a fun gift for each other. We wait (this part is his idea not mine!) until we get home (painful) and then we exchange it.

I think it came out of relieving each other of the pressure of getting anniversary gifts, figuring how much to spend, what to get, getting annoyed if one forgot haha, etc. Especially because our anniversary is pretty close to Christmas and the husband's birthday, this has been a fun activity we can do together and on the day of the anniversary itself.

This year the husband got me a lovely ornament from Redcurrent (very pretty store, love it) and a home decor magazine that had heaps of Christmas ideas in it (ahhh! Too many ideas now!), while I got him a Mini magazine (like the Mini as in the type of car) and a big bag of lollies/candy cos' his magazine was a special import from the UK and sorta used up most of the budget haha.

So here we are six years on. Crazy! It has also been the American Thanksgiving (even though we don't really celebrate it here in NZ some of my American friends do) so we've been thinking about what we are thankful for.

The husband and I are thankful to God for:

- good support from people around us this past year, like a counsellor who has given us his wisdom and time for free!
- a great team we work with who have been flexible with us and given us lots of grace when we need it...
- a marriage where we are each other's best friend and we enjoy each other's company
- a marriage that has endured some unexpected things like job dramas, grief, medical things, infertility, etc, yet remained on the same page on the whole,
- things He is continually doing in our lives that we don't have control over (ugh have to say I love/hate it!)
- to be honest, just overall survival of another year.

On another note... today I spotted a couple posts on (in)courage that were neat.
Here they are:

- Staying Sane this Christmas (I need this because this year I'm a bit overwhelmed by how fast it has come by!)
- The Depth of an Empty Womb (I know each of us is at different places in this journey, and this author feels like she can 'see the light' and while not everyone may feel like this yet, it is still a good reminder to focus on God's promises... even if we don't feel like it!)

Phew.

I survived my 21 km! Thanks for all the support you guys. I had a lovely crew who cheered me on. It was so hard- I hit a wall unexpectedly earlier than planned, then it was survival-mode from then on. I'm proud to say I didn't walk and I still did it in a great time for my standards. I made it in 2 hours 7 mins!

Thank you God for helping me through one of the longest two hours ever! Still felt great at the end though.

 (Running photos are terrible and one day I will post a photo of me NOT in running gear cos' I'm really not as hard-core-sporty as it looks. I picked this because the guy behind is walking so it makes me look good. I really struggled on the Harbour Bridge, but they closed the lane just for us so I tried to make the most of it! haha.)

Probably because of the big run, I've been pretty tired these last couple days, and that will be my excuse for having a sorta hard couple of days. It has been busy at work overall too.

Well... that and I noticed a Facebook pregnancy announcement this morning (man oh man maybe I do need to just not use it...Oh Lord how many more, please help me), and the husband has kicked off his Mo-vember campaign (hahaha... sigh... poor me poor me), so it is great timing to be LEAVING Auckland for a couple days. I'm visiting a dear friend in Dunedin (all the way down in the South Island!). I'm excited about that and I'm sure we'll have a fun time. woopwoop.

(map of nz! top red dot is auckland and bottom one is dunedin!)

It'll just be nice to spend time with her, be seeing new sights and be AWAY from normal life for a short time. I will miss the husband though. I think cos' it has been a difficult time for us this past year, I find it hard being apart from him! I know sounds so needy but it is totally the truth- I've become super clingy in a random kind of way. SAD. Sigh. haha.

Anyway. Gotta go get the bags ready. Hope you are having a good week and all you North Americans had a fun Halloween!

Timely Treats

In the midst of stuff, I've been very fortunate to have friends and family caring for us. Here are some things that I'm thankful for these past few weeks.

1. Beautiful flowers (and notes) from friends!

Brightening up a rainy day. (Thanks Jul.)

Colourful gerberas light up the house. (Thanks S.)

(There was also a lovely rose- thanks L, but can't see it in the pic...)

2. Beauty in the bleak weather. (It is still a bit cold and wet around here, even though it is officially spring. )

Love these. Spidey in the rain... it got washed away later on though.

3. Be nice to your family cos' they send you nice things.

We got sent these mini Reese's cups in the mail! (Dark chocolate ones too!) They came with a bunch of books I'd gotten my bro and sis-in-law in the U.S. to send over to me, cos' Amazon shipping is a killer to NZ.

I got this cute apron from my sis-in-law in Canada, along with new photos and videos of my nephew and niece (love!) and some other things. (Had to go to the garage to find the husband to take a pic for me haha. ) Here I am wearing it with my um... running gear.

If you want one too, her friend has a shop...

Thanks guys!

4. This weekend, the husband and I got to spend some time together on Saturday night. We took the bus into downtown Auckland cos' we didn't know if traffic would be bad, as there were some closures for the two days...

We had bubble tea downtown. This place called Hulu Cat Cafe totally rocks.  (His drink is Caramel Milk Tea with Coffee Jelly. Very Asian I know...)

5. Great music- We went to a Sons of Korah gig. They are an Aussie band who sing the Psalms. Like straight from the Bible! It was beautiful.

It was held at an old church, St Pauls, so the sound and atmosphere was really cool. It was especially special cos' they ended with Psalm 91, which has been very close to my heart these past couple years.

One funny thing was that we were some of the few younger people in the crowd. Haha. Didn't know they were more appreciated by the older folk.

6. Glad we got to go. After the concert, a couple we knew there gave us a ride home! So sweet cos' even though the bus ride home isn't too bad, it was gonna be a long walk to the bus-stop.

7. My friend C gave me a cute strawberry plate as a 'cheer up' gift. I can be a bit of a random collector of interesting things, and if they are red, that's even better.

I put it on my shelf...

8. I got a new FRYING PAN! I am so stoked. (It was half-price at Farmers.)

The speckled one is the new one (ceramic). The other one is the old one, which we got from our wedding presents six years ago, which I really liked using too- had a waffle-y surface. I had gotten so used to it that I had no idea how much better a new one would be. It is heavier which already makes it fab cos' the other one never did sit straight- if you look carefully at the pic you'll see one side is more burnt than the rest haha.

Sounds silly but frying eggs was like so much fun, cos' it was super smooth and easy to flip! What a difference! Looking forward to trying it with pancakes. The ultimate test.

9. My friend L makes awesome biscotti! She dropped some off at my front door. A cool surprise.

Not the best pic but this one is strawberry and yoghurt biscotti and it tastes brilliant! I was gobbling it up.

10. Still on baking, my friend KP also made us a big box of chocolate and oat cookies (thankfully not all on the same day haha), but I didn't get a pic of them. Tasted good!

Thanks everyone. God has been sustaining us and caring for us through others.

Update

I added a new page 'About Us' a couple days ago... more about the husband and I...

How to Heart a Hardware store

Marriage takes a deeper plunge too when you are dealing with infertility and loss. I have learnt a lot about how I know very little about the male psyche and how it functions, but miraculously we eventually do get to conclusions together (probably more by the grace of God than by normal resolve haha)... but I'll leave that for another day.

The husband and I are trying to make sure we spend time with each other. Like everyone else, life is busy and it is easy to let things go with the flow, then suddenly you realise you haven't really connected for a while.

Yesterday we were supposed to go for a walk outside, but because it was raining (when is it not?), the husband convinced me to go to the hardware store with him instead, since he had a small list of things to buy. His thought was that we could do our 'walk' there. (Right.)

Anyway. I went. He had good intentions and it was something to do together which is always nice, especially these days when things can feel a bit doom-and-gloom-ish.

But, it also gave me an idea. Here's a list of things you can do if you find yourself at hardware stores too, and believe me, I'm a pro. (I married a man who has car projects, yard projects, home projects- some my fault, don't-throw-away-that-I-can-fix-it projects, that have gone for longer than a year simultaneously, and yes, we have had meals in the garage.)

Here in NZ we have Mitre 10 Mega and Bunnings Warehouse- I think these are a close equivalent to Home Depot?

THE (girly) WIFE'S SURVIVAL GUIDE TO HARDWARE STORES

1. Wear comfy shoes, you never know how long you might be there.

2. Bring your phone- could be a good time to catch up on texts in between waiting for the husband to select the right kind of rivet.

3. If you are the academic kind, memorise what they have and where everything goes, it might make it faster to find something for the next time round, because you will probably be back.

4. Take note of things to get him for birthdays and Christmas. This is a hard one but yes, pay close attention.

5. Find the sections you like and go to them every time you go there so that you don't have to go where the husband goes, where everything looks the same- nail-like.

I personally enjoy looking at 'storage solutions' (plastic boxes, laundry baskets, cupboards, shelving), kitchens (for ideas), bathrooms, doors (could make a headboard out of a door), wood moulding (someone's framed a mirror with that stuff), plant pots (giant teapots are my favourite), etc. I don't really like power tools, hardware, gardening, lighting, etc... but that's just me for now.

6. Keep walking. Might as well get a bit of exercise while you are there.

7. Sometimes they sell massive bags of washing detergent/random other cleaning product like that- why not calculate if it actually is cheaper to get those than the smaller portions you get at the supermarket. That's one I've been meaning to do.

8. Ask someone for help if you or the husband need a hand. There might be a small scuffle between the two of you because either one will always claim they don't need help but it saves time (and your marriage)- that's if you can find a staff person in the giant land of metal shelving.

9. If you are feeling brave, there often is a child-proofing section, so you can plan what you'd buy there one day, or how you'd be such a great parent that the sound of your voice would turn them away from the doorknob so you wouldn't need that stuff. Of course, if that is too overwhelming to daydream about, which is often is for me, then please don't. Take that as a warning instead- so if you see baby-gate, run.

10. If you lose the husband, don't bother looking. It never turns up any finds and he's probably not ready to go anyway- still figuring out which type of wood is best. Maybe go buy some saws and sculpting tools so you can use them in the kitchen for baking like on Ace of Cakes. (Love.)

11. The paint sample cards can be semi-fascinating. They are free so you can collect a few everytime you go past and make them into some craft project at home like a piece of art (like this dress) or design your own greeting cards.

12. If all else fails, turn to food. Some stores now have cafes in them but if not, there are bags of lollies at the checkout counters, or sometimes there are sausage sizzles going outside so go have one, or two.

8th Time

Hello! Having slight issues with my blogging career, can't seem to keep up with my intention to post regularly haha.

Anyway. We are trying again. How I got through the last seven months, I'm not sure. But here we are!

I did a count and this is our eighth time trying with assistance. If I do some quick math, and I like math, so please don't mind me, that's like an average of maybe 8 x 4 = 32 blood tests, and possibly like 8 x 2 = 16 ewwy scans. I mean at least that! Cos' often there's extra tests and things. Of course, it depends on your clinic and the amount of monitoring you get... random tangent I know, but that was just some interesting calculating for me. (And no, I never get used to the prick of the blood tests or the prod of the scans, but what to do!)

Needless to say, I'm scared. Terrified. I am finding this round a different kind of hard, probably because our loss in November was so shattering. I have hope but it is a disturbed kind of hope.

I'm trying to keep myself distracted and being busy does help. However, the two-week-wait will eventually come and I'm dreading that as that is the worst. (I'm thinking to maybe do something a bit different to get through it, like the Twelve Days of Christmas- so fourteen daily events? Or fourteen gifts for myself? Ideas?)

Overall I'm doing surprisingly well. (Thank you for praying for us if you have been.) Thank God for the husband who is doing the injecting for me. The last round was ten months ago and it took us a while to remember how it all works... I can't bring myself to do it- I know some of you do, big ups to you!

This morning, as I came home from my blood test (had to wake up early grrrr), I spotted this spider web outside our house...

Cool huh?

Things like this of God's creation help me to remember His greatness... which I forget very often.

Ring Ring!

I'm allergic to phone calls. I know I need them but I don't like them! I'm not sure why, but I just prefer other ways of communication. (You can still ring me though!)

So it makes it so much worse that I've had to deal with the phone A LOT these past years because that's how the nurses pass me information etc.

How can so much of your future hang on one phone call? (I really want to say 'stupid phone call' but I'm holding back. ha.) Blood test results, scan results, prescriptions, pregnancy test results, etc. 'Crazy' does not even begin to describe how I feel on the inside when I'm waiting for a call.

The waiting and picking-up part is one thing, then you have to figure out what sensible thing you need to say or ask once they've delivered the news, which is usually not cool. Somehow all the questions you wrote down while you were preparing yourself for the call fly out the window because all your hope has suddenly dissipated too- in half a second. Or you ask them but they don't have the answers... so you have to wait for a second phone call...

Anyway. That doesn't always happen, but it does too often. Grrrrr.

My  result (yes, by phone) for this week is that I have not ovulated, and probably still will not on my own. Which pretty much means the drilling hasn't done anything. Sucks. Frustrated.

So now I'm just waiting to hear about what the next-best-thing is.

The husband was really sweet and got me a food magazine ('delicious'- aussie but I like it haha.) and a random little SPCA dog figurine (think it is for kids but love it still) to make me feel better, as he knew I was pretty bummed.

On another note, I did my second 10k run for the year and did it under an hour! Very stoked and thankful for my friend, k, who did it with me!

Speaking of friends, I'm so super fortunate!

I had a lovely coffee with a special friend during her lunch break, and I'm thankful for her as we are sharing some of this difficult journey together.

And I'm also always thankful for my wonderful 'protector' friend who warns me everytime there's a pregnancy announcement lurking around... phew. Where would I be without these girls?

I'm praying you have sensitive people around you too. (And handle phone calls better than me.)

Ten Things... at Ten A.M.

(9:45 is close enough I guess haha)

... I'm thanking God for:

1. Vouchers- we have received generous vouchers from friends. This has been so helpful for so many reasons- dinner out, new laundry hamper, etc. And I love shopping, so it makes shopping better when it costs less.

2. Recovery- I'm good! Waiting for some stitches to dissolve, but otherwise I feel well.

3. A phone call- Got a call this week from CYFs about an adoption information (compulsory) session being brought forward, by two months! Yes. In April they said it was going to be in October- can you believe it? But the other day they called to say there's an opening in August, so we can go to that. So stoked. (I think this is the first time I'm mentioning adoption in a post. This is because we're not fully decided on the timing for adoption yet, for various reasons... we're just starting the process cos' it takes sooo long. Could be a couple years.)

4. The husband- He's sleeping better than he was before, so his general health is improved.

5. Time together- The husband and I were able to hangout for a good part of last weekend. That's always a good thing!

6. Breaks-
BEWARE: TOO MUCH INFO
I have had this issue of continuous spotting since November. Probably due to PCOS, or the miscarriage, we're not sure, but doc thinks it is pretty harmless. I think I have had this constant slight bleeding for like four months out of the last six months- off and on. Not kidding. It has been so frustrating. However, this past week and a half, it has stopped. I am always thankful when it stops because it is such a hassle and such an annoying reminder of my crazy body. Maybe, just maybe it won't resume, unless for good reason, like a normal cycle. Anyway, still thankful for the break.

7. Friends and family- who are praying for us. There are so many people who have encouraged us and have been caring for us these past months with our various 'issues'. Through texts, emails, conversations, notes, gifts, meals, hugs, they have demonstrated Christ's love to us. Very grateful for their time and sensitivity.

8. Comfort living- My dad has a friend who has recently become homeless. Homeless. It is a sobering thought. I know it is not as straightforward as just that. There are so many things that are factors and things that I question. Overall, I'm thankful for a roof over my head and a warm bed.

9. Lollies- I love gummy-candies out of the Pick N Mix bins at the supermarket. I usually manage to walk past them pretty easily but this week I decided to get a bag. Sometimes a handful artificial flavours and gorgeous bright colouring can actually provide a bit of short-term bliss. Fake peach-ish sour snakes mmmmmm...

10. (Non-Gummy) Sustenance- God has carried me through another bunch of weeks- would've been way harder on my own.

Bumping into Bumps, Blood, I'm Blabbing, etc.

I know! A whole week has gone by. Yikes.

So last weekend, the husband brought me to a small farmer's market just out of Auckland. It was a lovely way to spend the Saturday! I had a lot of fun. He even got all prepared and had cash on hand for us to spend at the stalls. Very sweet of him. I'm looking forward to more trips there, even if it is just to wander around. We had a lot of yummy things to eat. Like this:

mmmmmm...

We kinda had to laugh though... one of the very first things that literally greeted us when we first arrived was we heard our names called out loudly from somewhere, and when we looked up it was my old friend who is heavily pregnant. (Hadn't seen her for aaaages but I knew they were pregnant. Surprise factor- low. Phew.) The 'laughing' part has nothing to do with her though really. Like it was so good catching up and seeing her and her hubby all.

But here we were, driving out of the city, trying so hard to get away for a while and not think about our 'issues', being confronted with a very big and friendly reminder of all the things I was avoiding that day. Just had to try and keep it light inside of me and not try to crumple too much and still engage in conversation about the upcoming birth of the baby, etc. Focus S, focus. On them. Not yourself. Oh Lord help me. HA. Yes, I know. I'm selfish and I'm weak, a fab combo. (Oh dear friend, if you ever read this please trust that my communication was sincere, it is just always so so conflicting inside of me!)

Anyway.  I had a fabulous long weekend. And Saturday was a great day, including everything in it. Life is just so funny sometimes. Funny haha and funny painful all together in one big blobby bundle.

And I'm back on the blood bandwagon people! Have already had two blood tests (one a week)... this is to track my freshly drilled ovary (just one was done) and see if it is doing anything on its own. I'm not afraid of blood tests but some days, my vein doesn't cooperate and they have to fish around for it after the poke!!! Fun times.

Dare I even hope to ovulate on my own? I don't know. Didn't work last time, so I don't know where to put my hopes this time. You know?

Oh who am I kidding... I'm hoping this works. I always do.

Do you?

As always, it is late, so many more things to say... Type more soon.

Whozzat?

When things get taken away from you, they strip you of your identity.

The whole idea of identity is a massive and fascinating topic and I'm probably only scratching a few layers of it, but I've been thinking about it... and I've had time to! I've been a shut-in for five days. (And for good reason. I'm not planning to be a hero- though I very much want to be. I hope to heal up well and fully, or close to it, so I have been resting. This is so that I can resume a bit of 'normality'- whatever that is- in our daily lives.)

In the last couple of years, I have been through four hospital admissions. This has also meant that I am becoming the Queen of Recovery- staying at home for a bunch of days, resting a lot, moving around but not too much, etc. I have also been very blessed to have people around me who have cared and helped to provide for our needs.

But being made to stay at home and not do much (as much as that sounds lovely at times) does something to you. I'm sure that seems a bit obvious- for one, cabin fever. And it is just not as glam - the Queen wears a coat of old duvet instead of red velvet and scruffy slippers instead of gem-encrusted shoes. She's usually home alone so there aren't any minions to boss around or posh tea parties or anything, though yes, there is cake and there is eating.

What I mean is, it makes me feel like I am not a contributing member of society, it makes me feel like I'm missing out, PLUS it makes me realise that the world goes on spinning with or without me. In short, it makes me reflect on who I am and what that means.

I can understand why we find so much 'pleasure' in being busy whether it is getting things done or spending time with others. As much as these may be positive things that do help the world function better, I realise they also give us a sense of being satisfied with who we are, a security in knowing we are needed and that we have a role to play.

For me, I feel like who I think I am is constantly being tweaked and questioned. Let me try and explain. Here are some of the things I pride myself on being... and some of the who-am-I questions it leaves me with:

• I put a lot of effort into being a good wife to the husband. I love the husband. But in recent months, things have been out of our control. There are aspects of his health and well-being that I cannot 'make better'.

Even if I wasn't a wife or a good wife, who would I be?

• I aim to be healthy and fit- and let's be honest, want to look good. Running and swimming are some of my 'things' that I try to do. But with having many procedures and treatments, these are also things that I constantly have to give up and re-arrange.

 If I wasn't even able to be healthy, or can't take care of how I look, who would I be?

• I thought that desiring to be a mother was a God-given thing and I don't think I have impure motives to be one. Now that I have been struggling to have a baby, that role of motherhood feels out of my reach.

 If I'm never a mother, who would I be and how will I still be okay?

• I have wanted to be in a job that is meaningful. And both in my previous and current job, I am doing something that is precious to me. However, just when I find my feet with one task or project, things seem to change due to life's ups and downs or I'm not always able to figure out how best to use my strengths and abilities, etc.

If don't excel in my job, can't prove to others that I am a capable woman, who am I?

• I want to be a good friend to my friends, but there are some relationships that I have not been able to pursue due to events in life and a drop in capacity (and I'm not even a high-capacity person in the first place). Or I've not been able to solve their problems as well as I'd like to. 

If friendships get strained or taken away from me, or if I can't be there for them all, who am I?

Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to get us all depressed nor am I asking for sympathy. I'm still going to pursue these things (above) to the best of my abilities. Surprisingly, yes, I do actually love my life. I list them just to illustrate how I think I hold on to roles that I feel give me significance, when maybe even these seemingly 'good' things are still only peripheral to who/what God wants us to be and He is constantly peeling me back to help me discover what's at the core. Or it is the manner in which I am stubbornly using them to make me feel good, that He is trying to pry my fingers from- maybe? I don't really know.

I think maybe what I'm trying to process is: God is showing me (will be showing me throughout my lifetime) how I've anchored my identity in so many aspects of life- many of which are not bad. But even some of these things may not always be, and His following question/s is, "Who will you be without these? What will you do then?"...

Truth is, I know the answer. It just isn't the easiest one to do- I'm still learning how. Yet it is the best and the only way.

So I died to the law—I stopped trying to meet all its requirements—so that I might live for God. My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.
Galations 2:19-20 (NLT)

No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:39 (NLT)

My Three Categories of Crying

I cry a lot. Do you?

I'm not sure if it is the infertility road itself, or if it is just that I have become more aware or open about my issues, but I'm less afraid of it. To me it is not a necessarily negative thing (unless I'm using it to be manipulative), it is simply a way of expressing emotion and there is a reason why we were made to be able to cry.

Whatever it is, the human body can produce a lot of tears and I've become pretty shameless about weeping wherever and whenever. The husband has slowly gotten used to it, and is great at being there for me and waiting while I just let it all out, even when he desperately wants to go to bed. He should get a medal.

I have learnt to prepare myself by stuffing tissues (Kleenex Aloe Vera is best from my research) in my handbag before I leave the house most days, having a pack of tissues in our car and the husband's vehicle too. If I have run out, I will resort to serviettes, toilet paper and the back of my hand. (Does cause a bit of a mess if I leave tissues in my pocket and forget about them before doing the laundry. So annoying! Oh well.)

I know we all cry differently for different reasons, but I just thought about the 'categories' for myself...

Here are my types of crying:

1.  Deep agony.

Time/Place: Home. Late in the night.
Amount of tears: 40 noseblows
Who's around: The husband or no one

When your heart is simply broken. I think this is a grieving kind of crying (often includes sobbing), when the massive-ness of this journey occurs to me. For me, there is a certain amount of anger that comes out too.

So many 'resons' can spark this off. Things like the fact that I can't quite get my head around the children I have who are in heaven (children? mine? who? what?where? heaven?), wanting to meet them now, the idea of waiting but not knowing if I'm waiting for something I'm not going to get, the idea that not only may I not have kids but that would mean the husband won't have kids either, anger at how things seem 'unfair', jealousy that others have what I want, just feeling very lost, etc, etc, etc.

I am worn out from groaning;
all night long I flood my bed with weeping
and drench my couch with tears.
-Psalm 6:6

My face is red with weeping,
deep shadows ring my eyes
-Job 16:16
[It is good to know that David and Job did this as well. (And they were men too.)]

Frequency: Depends. Not often, but when it does, everything seems to pour out. And when you're done, you have no energy left.

Strategy: Vaseline or Elizabeth Arden's Eight Hour cream is good for the area around the nose and upper lip.

2. Constant struggling/wrestling with God.

Time/Place: Church service or similar
Amount of tears: 4-5 noseblows
Who's around: The husband and the whole room full of church-attenders

Somehow, I have no shame crying in church! It seems to just flow freely. I don't really mind, but I'm not sure how others who see this might feel. This happens especially during worship songs. I think this is because in singing these songs I'm declaring that I love God and He is good. And this is a hard thing to fully reconcile. I'm not usually crying cos' I'm doubting, I'm more crying cos' I know God is great and His plans are perfect, I just cannot fathom how that works with how much it hurts to get there.

Frequency: At the moment, almost every church service. (Whywhywhy!!!)

Strategy: Blow your nose during the song-singing, so that you don't have to when everyone's quietened down for the sermon.

3. Random tears

Time/Place: Unexpected- anywhere, anytime.
Amount of tears: 1-2 noseblows or just a quick wipe
Who's around: Could be the husband, or friends, or even strangers...

This is when something that comes up stirs a memory up or stings the wound. There is a wide range of when this might occur, from a simple conversation with a friend to watching a movie preview for 'The Blind Side'. Something sparks an emotion in you and the taps turn a little. I try to blink it back and sometimes that is good enough. Sometimes, they keep coming. Usually this only lasts a little while, but it is hard to say.

Frequency: Often.

Strategy: If it is safe, share what's on your mind. Your friends probably want to know how to care for you and it helps if you let them know.



Not sure why I decided to write about this. Just thought you might want to know you are not alone on the sad days. If we look up 'tears' or 'weeping' in the bible, there are lots of verses!

...a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance...
- Ecclesiastes 3:4

11 Things I'm Thankful for...

(Started with 10 but expanded one to 11 so oh well... )

1. I've lived this long. 28 years haha.

2. The husband is doing better... slowly.

3. I have a husband who spoils me- but also doesn't let me get away with 'crap'... least not too much.

4. Had a fun few days celebrating my birthday, especially sharing the actual day with a fab friend with the same birthdate. Love it.

5. Got cool presents- cooking/sewing books, chocolate, voucher for a food processor someday, super cute apron, a lovely meal, etc.

6. I attended a sweet wedding service that was on my birthday! It was gorgeous.

7. Got given time off work on my birthday- so generously covered by a good friend.

8. The husband helped me put shelves up in the house that I've been waiting to do.

9. Got lots of lovely birthday messages.

10. It is coming up to 6 months since November- I've survived in general, and I've survived the 'not trying' (when I say that I mean not going through any fertility treatments).

11. This past week has been relatively low-drama- the husband cut his finger quite deep but could drive to the clinic himself. Phew... (Did I speak too soon? Hope not!)

Birthday Present: MRI

A part of me still thinks they put the appointment on my birthday maybe on purpose. I mean, they had the date in front of them and all! And we harassed them pretty bad. Anyway, I take it as a birthday present from the public hospital/health system. Thank you.

So I woke up on birthday morning to rush to the hospital for my appointment. It was more intense than I thought. Firstly it was longer- like over half an hour! Which I'm sure is normal, but didn't think there was that much to look at. And it was loud!

I actually had to recite Bible verses and worship songs in my head to keep from freaking out and to focus on something better- and I realised I didn't actually remember all that much, mainly random things I memorised at school. I think I really only had two or three 'verses' or paragraphs that I repeated over and over. It surprised me! Pretending you are in 'Avatar' only lasts like two seconds.

It is a weird feeling. I knew I was safe, but being in an enclosed space, told not to move, with my eyes shut and loud machine noises in your ears... really was kinda scary. They gave me headphones but they didn't really help with the noise.

Was nice that the husband came to wait outside for me. Well... it is over now. I survived ha. Now we wait for what the docs will say. Sigh.