A Day to Remember

Today is the 22nd of February, a day of varied emotions! Our work/ministry celebrates its second birthday, but we also commemorate the first anniversary of a major earthquake that took place in Christchurch and caused many lives to be lost.

At the same time I praise God that a friend who has suffered many baby losses has had some crazy good news, and feel sad for another friend who is riding the difficult rollercoaster of infertility...

Life is so full of mixed emotions and experiences. Loss and life, hope and disappointment. Yet it feels odd that I still did the laundry today, cooked a meal, went to the mall, and am here typing in my safe home. Daily life still has to go on. How does that work?

New Year New Thoughts (Kinda)

I'm having trouble catching up on blogs because my desktop computer uses Explorer and Blogger is telling me that they prefer me to use Google Chrome, so my dashboard is not loading! Not cool. Anyone else having this problem?

So I can post from here (using my ipod touch) but reading blogs isn't so great. Sorry I'm so out of touch with you blog friends out there!

I'm having a late start to the year organisationally it seems. Probably just a me-thing too. New calendar not up, dates for diary not transferred, lists of things to do lying around but not compiled into anything useful!

What are some things you hope to see happen or do this year? Big things, small things, etc. Or on another level, What can we also be praying for each other for?

1. Big idea 1 - I have this idea to start a website.

It sort of stems off having this blog, but I want something that's more of a resource for others out there. Something still for those going through waiting, infertility and baby loss but also for their spouses, friends and family. For example I have learnt that many husbands feel a bit lost too... So it could be a place for them to find out how to better understand their wives?

Blogs tend to be more personal, journally and chronological while it'd be cool to have something more topical or question based where it is easier to search for stuff. Hmm. I don't want to replace good resources out there too but I do think we can fit somewhere.

I am so excited about this idea! But I also am a bit unsure where to start! I have thoughts spilling out of me! And er when will I have time? Struggling as it is with blogging!

Praying also to approach it in a way God wants me to.

What do you think?

2. Fitness - I would like to get bit more fit again. Typical I know. But hear me out.

I have been fortunate that my body has managed to resume its pre-preg shape- sort of haha!

But truth is I am not actually fit on the inside as I barely do anything resembling exercise. And for someone like me, it'd be good to have a challenge. So I'm trying to come up with a plan to do something fitness-sy this year.

I don't know how women out there do it! It is so hard working it around Toby's schedule. We'll see...

3. Time with God and prayer life- I really struggle with this. Not that I want to get legalistic about it but I'm so on the opposite end right now.

Specifically, I just have felt very convicted about praying about some specific happenings in my family life in the past few years, yet I haven't acted on them.

I think I also haven't been brave enough because they are hard topics that I don't like thinking about. Yikes. So I want to do something about this.

Ok that's some of the stuff I'm thinking about for 2012. What about you?

(Photos: here is a pic of Toby and I, and some others of him, like with his monkey called Socks, plus one of the summer sky the other night just before 9pm- ah summer! )

Thoughts on Naomi

I've been quite interested in the character of Naomi from the book of Ruth in the Bible. Initially I just thought she had a lovely name but I also really struggled to understand why she wanted to be called 'Mara' instead which means bitter- so much more ugly-sounding!

Recently, I got to read a Francine Rivers book Lineage of Grace, and it had a version of Ruth and Naomi's story. (I don't read a lot of Christian-fiction but I have enjoyed some Francine Rivers books as it helps me picture what life may have been like in history.) I was really intrigued by how Francine Rivers detailed these women, especially Naomi.

It occured to me how her life contained so much loss. She lost her husband Elimelech and both her sons. Thinking back to the way life was in Bible times, to go from a woman married with two sons (her life was probably pretty secure in terms of income and social standing), to having NONE of those.

Instead she returned to her homeland with nothing but a Moabitess on tow, who was a foreigner to them. This would've been a big no-no to the locals and they probably weren't very well received or welcomed.

I know this is not my situation but I think this connected with me because I'm learning so much about loss through things such as the husband and I having to change jobs and give up some dreams we had about our career future, through infertility and miscarriage, as well as through friends who have lost close ones.

There was also a situation earlier this year where the thought of losing the husband became very real to me. Thankfully this did not happen and I still have him but in a sense that day was life-changing and it made me think about the realities of life.

I guess with so much of our lives revolving around the idea of progress, advancement and plans on what you are going to do next, (and a lot of our identity is linked to these things) it hits you hard when your life is on 'pause' or for some even, like Naomi, in 'rewind'... when stuff is taken away.

A friend of ours has gone through a devastating marriage breakdown and he was talking about how he never thought years later he'd be back in this place of being single with a crappy car and a few bits of furniture- with really just 'nothing to show' for his life... I'm sure he thought he'd still be married, possibly with kids, and at a good point in his career... but it hasn't quite turned out how we all thought for him... it reminded me of Naomi.

NO WONDER she was upset. No wonder she wanted to be called Mara. I only understand a smidgen of her pain and yet I can understand why she would have called out in despair and anguish. When I was younger it was so easy for me to think she should've just 'gotten over it'... now bitterness is something that I'm more familiar with.

However, I also think even though she called herself a bitter person, she must've loved God and showed it. The fact that her daughter-in-law Ruth wanted to follow her God says something about Naomi. She probably demonstrated God's love through her strength and perseverance even back when they were living in Moab, a foreign land with foreign gods, or else Ruth wouldn't have followed her back to Bethlehem. You know what I mean?

Our friend whom I mentioned has also left us with a lot to learn. He's clung to God the best way he can through this process. I'm sure there are days where he is still angry like Naomi was (uh... I've been through less and I am!)... but as friends we can see that pleasing and following God has been his priority.

Ruth could've gone back to her family and started a new life, but she chose to stay with Naomi. I know it also demonstrates Ruth's character and commitment, but I would imagine that Naomi probably also had something about her that caused Ruth to want to adopt her faith. Naomi also demonstrated her care in helping Ruth find a new husband- Boaz, an older man but a godly man.

This is something I thought was worth considering... asking myself if I'm continually putting God first in all the aspects of my life. A hard one to do though huh?

Anyway. Just love it when there's parts in the Bible that suddenly seem to make so much sense or speak to us where we are at. I guess that is a way God speaks to us and comforts us through His word.

Hmmm...

Hope you are having a good weekend.

Wat Yo Talkin' 'Bout Girl?

This post is written in reference to my last post- More Than a Broken Window.

My friend asked me questions around the lines of, why do I need to mourn the idea of motherhood now, when there are still possibilities for the future? (I think that's what you meant, A? I hope so, haha.) And that is a fair enough question cos' I know it sounds like I'm shutting things down too early...

(Okay. Honestly it feels like I could write a book on this so I'm trying to stick to the point. I hope this makes some sort of sense.)

There are a few 'levels' to what I mean...

One is, it is specific to adoption, like in desiring this future-child, I need to deal with certain aspects of motherhood, like that I won't have that pregnant-to-birth experience, along with him/her not resembling us. This is a more obvious one which you probably already figured.

Two is, for me, I actually delved into the grief of not being a mother right from the start- like right when I found out about my not-so-useful ovaries.

I know this seems a little weird drama or premature (as I am 'young' and there are reproductive technologies, etc.) and it may sound like I lost hope but that is not at all what I mean. My hope recharges all the time- probably only cos' God does it for me and along with that maternal desire He's put in many of us women.

I think when I say,"I grieve the thought of never conceiving, carrying and giving birth and having kids" (or a similar statement), I mean it because it is a reality for me TODAY. Yes, the future may bring something different (and in some ways it already has, as I have conceived previously), but it is my way of accepting my TODAY and making myself give it up to God, because I really don't know what the future holds- no one does. It is a version of 'acceptance' rather than denial- and maybe sorta extreme, which I know is not how everyone processes, but maybe is my way of dealing with this.

It is like a thing that I need to constantly do to think beyond the idea to be a mother, because just maybe that will be my life. I have to untangle myself from seeing a lot of my identity as a woman with being a mother...it is like a way to survive or move forward I think... like making a decision that there is more to life with or without kids... does this make any sense?

Three, not sure if this is even relevant to the question but may help... going through infertility is a hard one to describe.

I think it is like other examples of processing pain/suffering/when-bad-stuff-happens type issues.

(The husband gave me the idea for the following.) Maybe it is like when someone loses their leg, due to disease or accident. Their world changes. You can't do everyday things the same, your job prospects change because you used to be in a physical job, your social life changes because it is hard to go dancing every week, your house layout has to accomodate, you only need to buy half a pair of shoes...  your identity and your perspective on what you thought life was going to be is significantly shifted.

One day, you get a new artificial leg that works like 'as good' (or if you are a Kiwi, is 'good as'), that is fab and all- life may even be way better, you may climb mountains for a living and get tons of cash. But it doesn't take away the fact that your 'right' or 'normality' of having two legs is no longer there. It is not a given. Your definition of you is no longer the same. You have to be defined by something more than that.

Sure, you now have two legs again and are doing great but the world looks very different because you have experienced that loss or that 'change of plan' and it doesn't simply just 'rewind' to the day before your accident. (Though you do wonder what it'd be like if it did.)

I think this is sorta like an illustration of infertility for me.

My head tends to always be full of thoughts and words, so this may have been babbly. Hope this makes sense. What do you think?

In Her Shoes

Yesterday we spent a day at our second session preparing us for the adoption process. It was a whole day, so was quite intense.

(The husband and I are currently putting fertility treatment on hold and since our adoption stuff seems to be having a bit of progress we thought to keep it going, since we have been keen on that too. It is hard to get our heads around it, as it has come up earlier than we'd thought and there are so many massive issues to consider... but we are still looking forward to the possibility!)

In the lunch break, after I wolfed down my vegetable pie, I went to get a baby-gift as there was this cool store close by and I'm never in the area. I have to admit I had to have a little laugh (angry/sad/ironic/what-am-I-doing) on the inside...

Here I was, a woman struggling with infertility and pregnancy loss, attending an adoption info session, stepping into a trendy and gorgeous baby shop, Nature Baby, where immediately I was confronted with clever wooden toys and merino blankets, along with a pregnant mother with her first child in the stroller (oh the jealousy) and another couple bobbing along with their cute newborn.

(I'm sure you are thinking, "Then why did you go in?!!" and yes, I constantly ask myself that too... but I think I am trying to be normal and function like a normal person, or at least pretend to be normal haha. I don't want to be held back!)

Oh how I felt like a fraud. Sure I was buying a legitimate gift, but I felt like everyone could see right through me... like they knew how ridiculous I felt walking around that shop, desiring every ounce of everything it represented.

This is not new for me. I'm sure so many others dealing with infertility know this all too well. There is no where to hide!

This morning I turned on the TV to catch Breakfast on doing a neat tribute to Christchurch and how resilient the community has been in the midst of the earthquake... and there is Pippa the delightful co-host talking who is 20 weeks pregnant with her third child talking about how she's clucky blahblahblah... I'm sorry but I had to turn down the volume as she spoke to the fortunate young couple and their baby born after the earthquake and went to get some laundry into the machine. Clean clothes is a good thing. Clean clothes is a good thing. Clean clothes is a good thing.

One of my most favourite TV shows is Project Runway (love it so much) and the recent season has only just started here a few weeks ago. I caught up on it last night and you know what's coming... the frustratingly super-beautiful and super-fertile Heidi Klum is on with her big pregnant belly staring right at me.

Please know, as I've said before, it is not that I'm actually mad at them and I know their lives are probably not all that simple either, it is just that they hold such stabbing reminders for me.

Before I go off topic haha, what I'd REALLY been wanting to say was... One of the things I've been learning about my journey is that is parallels quite closely with those who are single and desiring to be married, yet have had to wait on this too.

We both desire things that are on the whole positive (for me, to be a parent and for the single person, to be loved and cherished by a special person all your life), things that others seem to do quite naturally or easily, and we both understand that sense of being left behind while everyone else is 'progressing' ahead of you. We also both share the sense of sometimes feeling like the hope gets dimmer and dimmer as time ticks by- this may not be true but it feels like it.

I'm thankful that infertility has grown my ability to empathise with my friends who are single and wanting a husband and family. It has also taught me to be appreciative that I have the husband and am in a marriage where I could not ask for more...

But ANOTHER thing I thought of yesterday, after the adoption info session, was that infertility and loss has also expanded my empathy for birth mothers (women who for various reasons choose to give up their children for adoption). I get that they made a decision to give their baby up and a choice was made, while with infertility/pregnancy loss, it is mostly not as a result of choice... but I think I empathise with the overall sense of loss.

I guess I'm thinking that if pregnant women (why do I notice them all the time and everywhere?!), kids in the play corner, moms with strollers, baby shops, cars with baby seats, diaper ads, baby food aisles, baby showers, baby dedications, kids in supermarket trolleys, etc, constantly remind me of the babies I have yet to have or yet to meet, then it must do something quite similar for some birth mothers too.

The baby that they carried to full-term and gave up to someone else (sure they are very possibly in better care) is not with them and they have surrendered their rights to be parents. I'm sure they miss their child too.

Somehow that struck me quite strongly yesterday as someone spoke about the topic... hmmmm.

Guessing Games

Sometimes I wonder what people think of me. Um... hold on. Sometimes? Maybe more like very often. Being 'not good enough' is a big fear of mine. (I have a lot of thoughts on that topic of 'significance'... but we'll leave it for another day haha.) With infertility stuff, this takes a slightly different form.

More specifically what I'm thinking about today is that I think about reasons others may think of about why I don't have children yet. Do you do this too?

I think I do it because if I'm honest, I am sure I did this to others when I was younger and less experienced with life. I wondered why they didn't have kids and sort of guessed answers for them. It is that whole thing of wanting answers, almost any answers. As if God's plans need my defending.

These same reasons now sometimes float around in my head and they are tempting to believe in as it would give me something. SOMETHING. To answer the Question of Why. Here's a sample:

• I'm not motherly enough. I'm not going to be a good mother. That's why I can't have kids...
• I'm not good with kids, I won't be good with mine...
• I can't handle things I've already been given (like housework haha), so I don't have the 'capacity' (sorta hate that word) to be a mother, as that is a lot of work.
• I'm not a multi-tasker and mothers need to be able to do that...
• Something's going to happen to us. What would happen to the baby if we had one?

Depressing right?! I know, but they hit close to home, and I think sometimes I want to guess God's mind, and so I bring Him down to my level, and I conclude that, "That's it! Those must be the reasons."

At times I try to come up with holier reasons, like the work I do will be more impactful if somehow I don't have kids, as they are distracting blah blah. (As if it isn't distracting now...)

Thankfully God is larger than all my winces, whimpers and whines. I love that He is a God of exactly that- all my unending random thoughts and insecurities. All my ugly criticisms. GRRRR. All my desperate grasps for more answers...

Anyway, I wanted to share this because I just thought if some days you think like this too, you are not alone. Oh Lord help me to dwell on what is right and true!

(Used this photo before. But thought I'd use it again. Just so ugly that it makes me laugh!)

Gratefulness and Grief

One of the things I've been learning through infertility is the 'duality' of things. For one, gratefulness and grief. They seem to be on opposite ends but they really are a combo.

(I love this and have been saving this photo for something. Since there are two flamingoes that make up a one gorgeous pair, I thought it'd be cool for this post!)

I've been thinking about this topic for a long time- things like these keep me awake at night! (Do you do that too?)

It has come up because I think sometimes we feel like we should not be 'down' or should only be for a short time. There are a few logical reasons for this.

One, I think we are nervous  about how we look- as it portrays that we are not grateful or thankful for what we have. It makes us look greedy, needy or dissatisfied. For example, I am married so I should find sufficient peace and happiness in my marriage and be grateful for that, instead of continually aching for children.

Totally. I'm all for 'counting my blessings', believe me! It makes sense. But honestly, at times, depending on the context, a response like that can be somewhat harsh.

Two, as Christians, there is that sense that we should be 'happy' because of what Christ has done for us, and though this is true, maybe being happy-all-the-time is unrealistic. We can be full of joy but we may not be happy about everything. I think there is a difference between joy and happiness. Happy being more of an emotional response, where as joy is maybe being positively assured and knowing you are okay deep at the core of you? Maybe? Hmmm... (Maybe I'll leave this for a Part 2 or something... )

Three, often grief involves questioning God himself, our concept of who God is and faith and sometimes we are nervous to do so. Fair enough.

I find grief a hard word to describe. My definition would be something like- engaging in and responding to the situation that has left a large impact, or something like that... There is also the famous five stages of grief that are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. This is a useful way to understand the way grief is expressed, as we go through it.

With infertility, because it is not a one-off situation and there is no closure for a while or at all, even the five stages of grief may be an insufficient way to express it, as instead, it is an ongoing process, and the 'stages' pop up here and there and we get better at dealing with them, but they come back throughout life. Complicated.

For me, in terms of infertility and miscarriage, it is easy to think that it is simply all about babies. Like if you plonked a baby on my lap, all will be solved. Sadly it is not that simple, I have discovered there are more layers to this.

I grieve:

• the loss of being able to ovulate as a woman usually does,
• the loss of being able to conceive all by ourselves,
• the loss of carrying a baby/being pregnant to term,
• the loss of giving birth to a baby,
• the loss of bringing up a child,
• the loss of having a child that looks like us.

Now, please please know that I am aware these things may change in the future (or could already be changing) and we do have hope that it will, and pray that it will, but as we live in the present, this is the reality for me now. These are the issues I'm having to engage in and process through. Does that make sense?

It is not necessarily that I'm sad or crying all the time, it is more that these issues are always close to my heart, I wrestle with them daily and I have an ongoing discussion about them- with God, others, myself.

At the same time, I am grateful for everything I have. Quite possibly, in light of what I don't have, it makes me treasure what I do have all the more.

I have an indescribably-awesome husband, supportive friends, caring family, shelter, food, great country to live in, a job that is meaningful, an income, shoes, bags, clothes, etc. God's made me to be someone unique, with my own particular quirks (lots), strengths and weaknesses. I've been slowly molded as I've been following Christ. I'm learning a lot from the decisions I've made, etc... I am thankful for many things and I can list a hundred more things I'm grateful for if you ask me to.

So how does this work?

I guess they are not mutually exclusive. Having the bacon doesn't mean you will automatically resist the chocolate cake. (Probably not a fool-proof illustration, but I thought I'd use it anyway, as food's always a good one haha...)

I am discovering I can be grieving and grateful at the same time. And I'm learning to not be afraid of engaging in the seemingly 'sad' or difficult things in life. (Of course there is a point to which we should dwell on this stuff... as being too introspective has its hazards too!)

I think this reflects the reality of being human. We know things can be better and we seek it out. Whether we believe in God or not, we all seem to have this sense of looking forward to something better- desiring things to be fixed, made good, improved etc.

I believe this is because we all have an understanding of perfection, and as we are imperfect beings in a broken world, we desire it. What I'm trying to say is that longing for things to be made good is a natural part of us and it will not go away, probably not until heaven.

Additionally, we are only able to truly understand the beautiful and lovely things in life, only when we can also grasp the difficult and the ugly, as they exist in relation to each other.

What do you think?

Hmmm... I'm trying very hard to keep my posts short-ish haha... so I will end here for now... I hope this made sense and connected with you too (and that you are keeping warm wherever you are)!

huh?- questions questions...

I had a laparoscopy (ovarian drilling cos' of PCOS) over a year ago. Recently the topic came up with a friend in similar shoes which sparked off some thoughts for me in the last couple days... slightly messy ones and pretty much unrelated to the actual procedure but here goes:

1)
When I had a laparoscopy done, I remember being really stuck on the whole idea that I had to have surgery in order to attempt to have kids naturally. It really stumped me and to some extent, still does. I don't know why this seemed more major than pumping drugs into my system to help me ovulate... anyway, I guess it was just a very in-your-face reminder of my fertility status and all the questions (WHY do I need to manipulate my body so harshly for it to even try to ovulate? You're supposed to go to the hospital to deliver your baby not to have someone drill your ovaries as a pre-cursor to the possibility ovulation which is pre-babymaking, which is pre-pregnancy, which is pre-baby. In other words, a big fat "THIS IS UNFAIR." - Don't really swear but have been very tempted to.) that come with it.

2)
Speaking of questions... As a Christian dealing with infertility, at every step and angle we seem to be faced with the overriding questions- Do I let God deal with this and wait for some special indication? Or do I step out in faith and hope and use the resources (brain, etc) He's provided to make the best decision we/I know at this point in time? Or is the second question pretty much the answer to my first question?

These are common questions as a Christian and are not too bad at first glance, but I've noticed they get more frequent and hard when you are in the midst of infertility stuff... Like when you have a demanding voice on the other end of the telephone asking you if you want to take the appointment for publicly-funded (free, yes thankyou, I get it) day-surgery or not and you only have those five seconds to make that decision.

Oh yeah, sure you may have already discussed it with your husband, but what about work, you know there is important close to the date she's just barked at you, so is that an indication to push it and trust that another date will come up, or what? How long do I clear the schedule for? General anesthetic still takes a while to wear off... Does it matter? Do I tell people? Will it work? What does God think? Was I listening to my own 'desperation' rather than waiting for God's timing? What does the phrase 'God's timing' mean anyway?? Hold on. Also, what are my motives here? The nurse was pushy and stressful. Why did she do that? Should I have said no? I'm nervous. Does it mean I should take a break? How do I know? Yes, that's the one.

HOW DO I KNOW WHAT TO DO?

I honestly think I could list hundreds and hundreds of questions like that, that have popped into my head these last couple of years. I'm sure you could too... and I know there are no necessarily wrong or right answers to most of them... but I just didn't know I'd come to know the famous WHO WHAT WHERE WHEN WHY HOW questions so intimately and be visited by them so frequently. And to have to be making these decisions on what feels like wobbliness... and I think it could be because I'm so nervous about the whole red-pill blue-pill, what if I eat the wrong-coloured pill thing?

Which leads back to another big but basic question,
CAN I TRUST GOD?
(DO I BELIEVE HE LOVES ME AND KNOWS WHAT'S BEST?)

Which, as you probably have figured out if you have been journeying too, is the theme question of most major aspects of this life on earth. And a daily struggle for me. From what I know about who God is and my life so far, I don't need to think twice to know that the answer for me is 'yes', but my humanness doesn't always understand that, as it doesn't make sense to trust someone so wholly.

and so there. I think I'm stopping here.
I wish I did but, I don't really have a tidy conclusion to this post... haha.

I hope you had a meaningful Easter weekend.

Take up your crutches and follow me?

I live by a pretty intimidating hill. It isn't fun to walk up. It doesn't take that long, but it just looks menacing and is pretty tiring to get to the top.

The other day on my way home, I was driving down it (braking my way down it, more like) and I spotted a guy walking up.

But he kinda wasn't walking up. He was on crutches and was slowly hobbling his way up this steep hill. More like inching his way up. Crutches on that hill!!!

It just made me think. Would I do that?

I stand around in my running gear, special shoes with orthotics, dri-fast hat and grippy sunglasses, yet am reluctant to take on that long trek upwards. Sometimes I walk along all the other roads to avoid it. Sometimes I don't walk at all. Somehow I am waiting to get 'fitter' before taking it on.

Yet, here is this man who's injured or broken some part of his leg and is justified in sitting down and hanging out on his couch for a few months, but he's not doing that, he's outside inching his way uncomfortably up the very same hill I'm literally running from. Sure it may be part of his rehab... but I was intrigued by his will to do it.

There are many ways we can use this as an illustration or analogy of our spiritual lives or walk with God, things about perseverance, faith, or just stepping forward in what seems like an ever-uphill journey. But I'll keep it simple and let you think through it how ever you want. For me, it just made me re-think... so what am I doing with my situation? How am I taking on this journey?

(An escalator would be nice... or would it?)