Thoughts on Naomi

I've been quite interested in the character of Naomi from the book of Ruth in the Bible. Initially I just thought she had a lovely name but I also really struggled to understand why she wanted to be called 'Mara' instead which means bitter- so much more ugly-sounding!

Recently, I got to read a Francine Rivers book Lineage of Grace, and it had a version of Ruth and Naomi's story. (I don't read a lot of Christian-fiction but I have enjoyed some Francine Rivers books as it helps me picture what life may have been like in history.) I was really intrigued by how Francine Rivers detailed these women, especially Naomi.

It occured to me how her life contained so much loss. She lost her husband Elimelech and both her sons. Thinking back to the way life was in Bible times, to go from a woman married with two sons (her life was probably pretty secure in terms of income and social standing), to having NONE of those.

Instead she returned to her homeland with nothing but a Moabitess on tow, who was a foreigner to them. This would've been a big no-no to the locals and they probably weren't very well received or welcomed.

I know this is not my situation but I think this connected with me because I'm learning so much about loss through things such as the husband and I having to change jobs and give up some dreams we had about our career future, through infertility and miscarriage, as well as through friends who have lost close ones.

There was also a situation earlier this year where the thought of losing the husband became very real to me. Thankfully this did not happen and I still have him but in a sense that day was life-changing and it made me think about the realities of life.

I guess with so much of our lives revolving around the idea of progress, advancement and plans on what you are going to do next, (and a lot of our identity is linked to these things) it hits you hard when your life is on 'pause' or for some even, like Naomi, in 'rewind'... when stuff is taken away.

A friend of ours has gone through a devastating marriage breakdown and he was talking about how he never thought years later he'd be back in this place of being single with a crappy car and a few bits of furniture- with really just 'nothing to show' for his life... I'm sure he thought he'd still be married, possibly with kids, and at a good point in his career... but it hasn't quite turned out how we all thought for him... it reminded me of Naomi.

NO WONDER she was upset. No wonder she wanted to be called Mara. I only understand a smidgen of her pain and yet I can understand why she would have called out in despair and anguish. When I was younger it was so easy for me to think she should've just 'gotten over it'... now bitterness is something that I'm more familiar with.

However, I also think even though she called herself a bitter person, she must've loved God and showed it. The fact that her daughter-in-law Ruth wanted to follow her God says something about Naomi. She probably demonstrated God's love through her strength and perseverance even back when they were living in Moab, a foreign land with foreign gods, or else Ruth wouldn't have followed her back to Bethlehem. You know what I mean?

Our friend whom I mentioned has also left us with a lot to learn. He's clung to God the best way he can through this process. I'm sure there are days where he is still angry like Naomi was (uh... I've been through less and I am!)... but as friends we can see that pleasing and following God has been his priority.

Ruth could've gone back to her family and started a new life, but she chose to stay with Naomi. I know it also demonstrates Ruth's character and commitment, but I would imagine that Naomi probably also had something about her that caused Ruth to want to adopt her faith. Naomi also demonstrated her care in helping Ruth find a new husband- Boaz, an older man but a godly man.

This is something I thought was worth considering... asking myself if I'm continually putting God first in all the aspects of my life. A hard one to do though huh?

Anyway. Just love it when there's parts in the Bible that suddenly seem to make so much sense or speak to us where we are at. I guess that is a way God speaks to us and comforts us through His word.

Hmmm...

Hope you are having a good weekend.

Round 8 Ends- I Want To Wake Up

About a week and a half ago I ended my two-week-wait to Round 8. (Round 8 was ovulation induction with Puregon/Gonal F injections and IUI.) You IF girls out there know how agonizing that wait is... we found out that my blood tested positive for pregnancy hormones but it was too low to be sustained.

My two-week-wait turned into a three-week-trauma. We did a couple more blood tests following that and this week it was confirmed that the pregnancy hormone levels dropped sharply and will continue to do so. In short, we were pregnant but had an early early miscarriage.

We are gutted.

We don't know the whys and probably won't for a while. It continues to remain a mystery medically and I've resolved to be okay with that. I would love to know but in the meantime... not knowing is also okay.

(I'm going to be upfront and say: If you have any new suggestions for reasons or ways to overcome recurrent miscarriage please DON'T share them with me right now, unless you yourself have gone through the same thing. It is just hard for me to receive such info at the moment.)

The word 'pregnant' has never been harder to spit out. I didn't want to use it because it sorta speaks it into 'being'. Sort of like saying it means I have to engage in all the possibilities it brings. I know some of you are familiar with this feeling too, whether or not the pregnancy is going well, where we don't dare to embrace the thought or reality because it could be too hard.

However, the truth is that egg-met-sperm, there was implantation, there was life, but beyond that, we don't know. It didn't go as we'd hoped.

I knew it'd get awkward at some point, blogging so openly about my life. Now I'm here- I don't know how to describe it. I want to be open, but sometimes that comes back to bite me because my vulnerability is also up for grabs.

As this dragged on, I struggled to have any social contact because I have not been functioning like a normal person. Up till a couple days ago, I pretty much just hid in my little shell and hoped everything would go away.

I hate that I've become so familiar with grief. I've been here before, but I didn't want to be here again, or this often. (Grief not just to do with loss but also to do with the disappointment of unexpected procedures, failed cycles, negative tests, the arrival of the pd- or AF.)

That 'shock' that really isn't just a simple zappy-jolt, but a lingering weight lasts longer than you think- where you are wading through a bog of thick air and everything is just empty inside. Hollowed-out. The worst part is that you feel like you are outside of time, but reality is that you are not and you desperately want the world to stop spinning because your everything has just frozen.

It has felt so much like a bad dream. A recurring one. Except the part where you wake up doesn't happen.

I hate that my texts/messages to those who have been waiting and praying with us have become the same: 'Worked but it is not going well...'

Sick of it.

I've had about ten days since the initial news to grieve, so the anger and frustration has subsided quite a bit. Thank you for praying for us and giving me the space to lie low. I'm very fortunate to have understanding friends and an empathetic workplace.

It has felt like it has gotten harder each round. We know it has probably got a lot to do with the reality of loss... so simply 'trying again' is really not so straightforward. It feels like another round is too hard to bear right now, so we are just going to try and focus on other things and see how it goes.

I hate that this is our fourth pregnancy loss and I hate that it sounds like just another number. This little bud of life was as precious to us as each of the other ones... and yet it is so hard to know how to acknowledge him/her because it was so brief and so invisible.

Oh Lord I have so many questions for you.

Thank you for praying for us and being there for us. We prayed for a miracle and in a sense we got it, but in another sense, we're also not sure what happened.

Thankfully, I'm been okay physically and I know the husband and I will recover. We know God is a God of hope, as much as it is hard to see.

In the meantime, yeah... this SUCKS so bad. But one-day-at-a-time continues to sound pretty handle-able.

(Sort of) Hanging On!

**Rant ahead**
Man, how I hate the two-week-wait. I hate it so much. I think it is kinda like 'peeing on the stick' but doing it and then waiting 14 days (or 336 hours) to look at the result. Or for some of us (infertility-types) it may even feel like you pee-ed on it three years ago... and you are still waiting for the result. I'm not sure.

It is agonizing and excruciating and every other synonym of 'painful' and 'stupid' you can come up with. I detest how so much hangs on it and how it makes me feel like I'm going insane. Days like these, infertility stuff just plain ol' sucks big time. I want to hammer it out of my life or chuck porcelain plates at it!

'nuff said.
**Rant over**

I should talk about something else before I infect the rest of you with my oozing anxiousness.

Breathe.

If you get the NZ Herald (physically not digitally), go check it out! There's an insert in it that's a magazine about Auckland and while I was flipping through it at work, I suddenly noticed that I'm on the cover. (On the cover like a cover-girl? um... no.)

Let me clarify. There's a crowd on the cover and I'm in the crowd- by my friend Alice. haha. How random is that? Kinda fun though.

(Not the best angle but, see red-singlet-girl at the lower end? That's me. My friend Alice is to the right, not sure if you can see her, a couple of heads away.)

It is from Round The Bays 2006 (I think... years ago anyway) so I'm not sure why they didn't use a newer one, but hay, I'm happy with it. Makes it kinda exciting for me. Too bad no one really reads the (physical) paper much anymore, even we don't. (We're only reading it at the moment cos' we got a subscription recently, as there was a deal with it where you get free movie tickets every month! Yeah they came to our door and bribed... and we caved.)

So. Nice to have a giggle about that. Thank you God for random little things.

Thank you God that you are also God of the big things...

My cousin C has been keeping tabs on me through this blog. Today she wrote a note to me and encouraged me with a verse:

My God, I trust, lean on, rely on, and am confident in You.
Let me not be put to shame or [my hope in You] be disappointed; let not my enemies triumph over me.

Psalm 25:2 (Amplified)

So hard to do though huh?

Feeling pretty helpless today I have to admit. The husband is a big fan of sci-fi and I watched some Fringe episodes with him yesterday. The idea of a parallel universe or a way to fast-forward to the future definitely looks appealing. Some days it feels like 'anywhere but here' might be easier to handle.

Oh Lord I need you so bad!

My Three Categories of Crying

I cry a lot. Do you?

I'm not sure if it is the infertility road itself, or if it is just that I have become more aware or open about my issues, but I'm less afraid of it. To me it is not a necessarily negative thing (unless I'm using it to be manipulative), it is simply a way of expressing emotion and there is a reason why we were made to be able to cry.

Whatever it is, the human body can produce a lot of tears and I've become pretty shameless about weeping wherever and whenever. The husband has slowly gotten used to it, and is great at being there for me and waiting while I just let it all out, even when he desperately wants to go to bed. He should get a medal.

I have learnt to prepare myself by stuffing tissues (Kleenex Aloe Vera is best from my research) in my handbag before I leave the house most days, having a pack of tissues in our car and the husband's vehicle too. If I have run out, I will resort to serviettes, toilet paper and the back of my hand. (Does cause a bit of a mess if I leave tissues in my pocket and forget about them before doing the laundry. So annoying! Oh well.)

I know we all cry differently for different reasons, but I just thought about the 'categories' for myself...

Here are my types of crying:

1.  Deep agony.

Time/Place: Home. Late in the night.
Amount of tears: 40 noseblows
Who's around: The husband or no one

When your heart is simply broken. I think this is a grieving kind of crying (often includes sobbing), when the massive-ness of this journey occurs to me. For me, there is a certain amount of anger that comes out too.

So many 'resons' can spark this off. Things like the fact that I can't quite get my head around the children I have who are in heaven (children? mine? who? what?where? heaven?), wanting to meet them now, the idea of waiting but not knowing if I'm waiting for something I'm not going to get, the idea that not only may I not have kids but that would mean the husband won't have kids either, anger at how things seem 'unfair', jealousy that others have what I want, just feeling very lost, etc, etc, etc.

I am worn out from groaning;
all night long I flood my bed with weeping
and drench my couch with tears.
-Psalm 6:6

My face is red with weeping,
deep shadows ring my eyes
-Job 16:16
[It is good to know that David and Job did this as well. (And they were men too.)]

Frequency: Depends. Not often, but when it does, everything seems to pour out. And when you're done, you have no energy left.

Strategy: Vaseline or Elizabeth Arden's Eight Hour cream is good for the area around the nose and upper lip.

2. Constant struggling/wrestling with God.

Time/Place: Church service or similar
Amount of tears: 4-5 noseblows
Who's around: The husband and the whole room full of church-attenders

Somehow, I have no shame crying in church! It seems to just flow freely. I don't really mind, but I'm not sure how others who see this might feel. This happens especially during worship songs. I think this is because in singing these songs I'm declaring that I love God and He is good. And this is a hard thing to fully reconcile. I'm not usually crying cos' I'm doubting, I'm more crying cos' I know God is great and His plans are perfect, I just cannot fathom how that works with how much it hurts to get there.

Frequency: At the moment, almost every church service. (Whywhywhy!!!)

Strategy: Blow your nose during the song-singing, so that you don't have to when everyone's quietened down for the sermon.

3. Random tears

Time/Place: Unexpected- anywhere, anytime.
Amount of tears: 1-2 noseblows or just a quick wipe
Who's around: Could be the husband, or friends, or even strangers...

This is when something that comes up stirs a memory up or stings the wound. There is a wide range of when this might occur, from a simple conversation with a friend to watching a movie preview for 'The Blind Side'. Something sparks an emotion in you and the taps turn a little. I try to blink it back and sometimes that is good enough. Sometimes, they keep coming. Usually this only lasts a little while, but it is hard to say.

Frequency: Often.

Strategy: If it is safe, share what's on your mind. Your friends probably want to know how to care for you and it helps if you let them know.



Not sure why I decided to write about this. Just thought you might want to know you are not alone on the sad days. If we look up 'tears' or 'weeping' in the bible, there are lots of verses!

...a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance...
- Ecclesiastes 3:4

Yay

Finally! I have heard from the public hospital. I am on the MRI list. We don't know how long though but I hope to find that out soon. They disowned any responsibility for messing us around the last few weeks, so that makes me mad. I want to write a letter! But I'm not sure what good that'll do.

Anyway. Thankful that we got that sorted after much teeth-pulling. Now we begin a fresh wait.

Meltdown No. 550 million

How do you have a massive meltdown when you're in your 'break'? A time when you're supposed to be breathing deeply, sane and collected...

I had one yesterday, and there were decent reasons for it (of course! ha). The public hospital doc was supposed to put me on a list for an MRI but they didn't and I've been already waiting eight weeks... blah blah... hopping mad!

But who am I kidding? It was pretty major and oh so ugly. Anger, frustration and  impatience all busting out of me like an overfilled sausage.

I feel silly now, but I was so mad so mad. It kinda surprised me. What do I do? What do I do?

My poor husband.

(I typed 'ugly' into the photo search and this is what I got...)

(...so appropriate for the 'melting theme'. I hope I looked that good yesterday.

And it kinda made me laugh.)