Note to Baby

Dear Baby,

Yesterday I got to see you at a scan! We are at 30 weeks (31 in two days!). It is amazing to think that the countdown is in single digits!


We think we may have a name for you. We are not totally sure, but we have two options in the running. Hopefully one of them will work out for you. It'll be helpful to give you a name, or I might keep calling you 'The Kid' when you arrive, like I have been.


The other night you were squirming around so much that we could see you from the outside! It made me realise how big you are getting and how I will get to meet you soon. Your dad has been able to see that too, and feel you moving, which has been very special.


We have done many things together. We went swimming for the first time the other day. We've also recently been to Rotorua, Nelson, Tirau, etc. (We also accidently walked out the supermarket with some unpaid plastic Easter egg shells that got left in the trolley, that I need to go back and pay for before they post us on some, 'Have you seen this woman?' part of a crime show. Oops.)


We watched the Royal Wedding, which was pretty exciting. Kate's dress was awesome. Though I'm nervous about having a kid that will become a young man, but we'll deal with that when we get there.


I'm trying to be good and eat healthy, but the other day it was my birthday so we did indulge in a few lavish treats around that time.

(me with ice-cream!)

(my friend kp made red velvet cake. beautiful & yum.)

It was also Easter, which made it harder to resist some of the temptations. We got you measured and you seem to be of good size, and not a big (diabetic) baby, so we are okay for now. I have been trying though.


It is crazy to think that the ultrasound could also estimate your weight. It looks like you are about somewhere over 3 pounds now. Which means you probably will still double in size! It already feels pretty tight in there.


Anyway. I'm thankful for your strong and healthy heartbeat. You also seem to be growing nice long limbs. Plus we got a glimpse of you poking your tongue out (maybe?)...


In the meantime we are trying to make space for you, so I hope we will be prepared when you arrive! We have been attending ante-natal classes with other women carrying babies in their fish-bowl-like tummies so maybe you will have friends? We'll see...


Just seems unreal that we have gotten to this stage. At 32 weeks I can deliver you at North Shore Hospital (as opposed to Auckland Hospital where there is specialist care), but of course we want you to 'marinate' for longer.


Talk again soon,

your carrier/mother.

A note to you.

A special note to IF friends and sisters, and others who are/have been waiting with me:

Hi there. Your support and encouragement has been invaluable to me.

SO. Now I have become one of "those" women, who tried almost everything, was on a break, applied for adoption, and got pregnant out of the blue. I am praying my story does not haunt and irritate other waiting-women for years to come- but I have no control over it (I'm sorry... sigh!).

At the same time, I know this story is a miracle. I have not tracked an ovulation for the three years we've been trying, besides when on fertility drugs. I mean, I have joked about an immaculate conception, but I feel like this comes pretty close and I'm so thankful for this. I'm also so aware that the fact that we've made it to 13 weeks and 2 days of pregnancy with no complications is another miracle, after the ones we've lost early.

I don't know why God has decided to show us such grace at this time, yes we have been praying and others too, but so have you for your child, so why me and not you, and why now and not before or later, who knows?

We don't take this for granted and we are trying our best to celebrate each day of it, while praying we can carry this one to term.

When I wrote 'unexpected journey' in the little blurb under my blog title I didn't really think of this extent of the unexpected! Gosh. Yet at the same time we've been praying for it so what else was I thinking? I'm also still keen to continue this blog so we'll see what happens.

I just wanted to acknowledge you and let you know that your support and prayers are what have sustained us and continue to be needed. I also want to keep caring for you so please let me know how best I can.

Love s

Dear Baby N: A letter to you...

Last week was the due date of our baby we miscarried last year. Here is a note I wrote to him (or her):

Dear Baby N,

This past week would've been the week you were due to be born.

It is hard for your dad and I to know how to remember you, as we have very few memories to hang on to.

What will remain special to us will be the fact that we saw you grow in my tummy from 7-weeks to 8-weeks, and from 8-weeks to 9-weeks. We saw this on the ultrasound each of those three weeks, and we saw your growth in size, as well as your strong and vivid hearbeat. We were so excited and so full of hope!

(I know it is not exactly related to what the psalmist is saying, but because it talks about the heart, this verse has been significant to me,

...He who forms the hearts of all,
who considers everything they do...
Psalm 33:15

as it reminds me that you were created by God and are precious to Him. )

What happened after that 9-week mark, we're not sure and probably won't know. I guess there was just something that wasn't going well that we didn't pick up and I know, as you were still so tiny, we could not have done anything about it anyway.

I'm sorry that the events that followed colour my memory of you- when I started to spot, and got worried, and what eventuated at the hospital. I wish I could rub those mostly-difficult memories out but I know the best thing is to engage with both ends of the spectrum, however they come.

When we found out we were having you, your dad and I went out for a special meal and also shared the news with some friends and family. You also travelled with me to Singapore and even though you were a delicate little baby bud from the start, we had fun.

Later on it was his turn to travel (to the States) and then he had to come back early when we found out you were no longer with us. It was so hard. It is impossible to describe the devastation we felt when we lost you at 12-weeks.

I'm sorry that sometimes I wonder if you were imaginary and that I had dreamt you up. However, I know you were real, so much so that even our doctor was confident that we would meet you here and around this time.

We were hoping to find out if you were a girl or a boy, but that didn't happen and it will remain a mystery. As will your personality and what you look like. These are things I will be longing to find out.

Regardless of what happened, your dad and I will continue to celebrate you and are thankful that we even got pregnant with you in the first place, as that was a miracle in itself and we praise God for that.

I'm not exactly sure what it will be like when I meet you one day, as I still don't know how to comprehend heaven, but we look forward to that time coming soon. (And I know there are friends and family who are looking forward to knowing you too.)

I miss you. I wish you were here.

with love,
your mom,
s

p.s. This figurine in the corner of the pic below was a gift given to us by sweet friends. We look at it often and it is a precious reminder of you.