Married for 8 Years (almost)

This year the husband and I will celebrate our eight year anniversary.

It is just a few days away and this past weekend we got the opportunity to go away for a night, while my mom had Toby. (Yes he stayed overnight for the second time and it was a success- yuss! Missed him though, was very weird not having him for a day.)

Even though it was barely 24 hours of time-out, it was really special and I had a great time.

We didn't venture far from where we live- just to Takapuna, um pretty much round the corner really. Unfortunately the weather was not great- windy and a bit of rain, so we didn't go for a walk on the beach or anything, but generally good enough for us.

We had wandered around the shops, had Starbucks (Christmas drinks are out!), checked out the place we were staying at, had pizza (very quickly cos' we were a bit tight on time), went to a movie (Intouchables- French movie, SO GOOD, you have to watch it.)...

We also got to sleep in (no dog and no kid to wake us up), had breakfast at a little cafe I'd been thinking of trying (ran past it multiple times on my long runs and watched people stop in for coffee, so glad I finally got to go in) called Mimosa, and went to the Takapuna Sunday Markets. Then had Starbucks again because yes we are that deprived.

I found some Christmas glass ornaments to match some others I have (love!), a gift for a friend, some beautiful calla lilies (that were supposed to be for my mom for helping with Toby but I forgot to take them to her house-doh!) and an old porcelain deer (yes I've named it Bambi already) for my shelf which I'm considering spray painting but we will see.

It was pretty much all the things you could do on a date packed into one, but it was still leisurely and I loved spending precious time with the husband.

Just wanted to remember it so thought I'd put it down here.

Today is also Thanksgiving in the States. I'm not American but I'm always happy to adopt that celebration- very thankful for my husband and all that I have around me. Have a lovely weekend.

Retreat Idea

A friend of mine who lives in the US went to one of these recently- a retreat for couples who have lost a child after they were born... so glad she and her husband got to go.

I have been thinking that it would be so good to have something like that here too, including other ones for couples who have gone through miscarriage and also those dealing with infertility. I don't think we have any resources like this in NZ... something to pray for!

10 Things at Ten ish.

I've wanted to 'take stock' of things I'm thankful for, especially things that infertility and miscarriage have 'taught' me. I know it is easy to just list them now, but going through them is a totally different story... but I kinda wanted to remind myself of things that being child-less or child-free has allowed me to do or learn or appreciate more... Here we go.

1. Today I'm going to a wedding (yup get to dress up again!) and I don't have to deal with figuring out kids or babysitting. (Not always sure about what to do with my hair though...)

2. The husband and I have been married for 6.5 years. The plan was to have kids after 2-3 years. Yet, I love how our relationship has grown in this time and I think in ways we never could've planned, due to being without children. I don't take that for granted.

3. We can do whatever. we. want. with our days and evenings- like go for a drive, eat random food cos' I wasn't organised enough, buy random second-hand things on trademe and go pick them up easily, etc.

4. You can laugh but I think getting Sammy the dog (which I orginally/stubbornly did not want to do until after having kids! Then realised I may not know when I'd have kids...) has been a great transition for us to dealing with children.

Dear Sammy has brought the following... Dirty carpet, weird smells, need to be fed, needs fresh water, needs needs needs, loud whining in the morning, high need for attention, needs a sitter if away from home for too long, needs telling off, etc, which is good for someone like me to get used to.

5. Having been through fertility treatment and small surgeries, I'm so much more okay with things that would usually be awkward for me (which hopefully will come in handy for birthing oh gosh).

Talking about intimate/sensitive issues, flashing intimate parts of the body (sometimes more than a flash), being poked and prodded, dealing with also bodily fluids you don't want to talk about, etc.

6. We've gotten to spend time (and money) making the house look cool, which is something I enjoy and have really appreciated. I just have so many ideas and am glad we've gotten to do some of them. Things that would take time and effort I probably wouldn't have a lot of if I had small children... like putting frames up, painting things, getting a new couch, weird crafts that get left in the cupboard, etc.

7. I've learnt to appreciate certain special days and holidays more. I think because a lot of them revolve around the idea of 'family' and more so families-with-children, it forces me to re-evaluate why they are important in the first place. Or also to figure out how to celebrate them regardless of the 'children' part- especially ones like Christmas, Easter, etc...

8. As much as I've cried more in the last few years than in my whole lifetime put together, I think we've also been forced to laugh. (Probably still learning that as I can be a hard one to make laugh!)

You have to laugh about the path you never thought you'd be on- sex-within-a-timeframe (uh... honey... the doc says the follicles are lookin'-good... we might need to go home NOW...), injection needles in your cupboard, drugs in your fridge, pelvic ultrasounds with male gynes you've never met and the husband right there too, the fact that you have to PAY money for a chance to conceive, etc.

9. I think I've also gained great empathy for others, especially with learning to grieve or wait or deal with prayers that seem on hold. I am (I hope) more sensitive to those who are going through a hard time, have lost loved ones, who would like to be married but aren't, and of course others dealing with infertility and miscarriage.

10. Lastly, the world takes on a different colour. I've learnt so see things from a different perspective. A hard one to explain huh. Maybe on a deeper-level sort of way. Kinda like a stronger desire to see things from God's perspective and curious about how He deals with the heartbroken... I'm not sure!

Anyway. That's me for today. Better go get ready! (Will try post more photos later!)

Random Ten Things at 10am

We have a team planning day ahead so let's see if I can squeeze a post in.

1. Saturday! How are you doing? Hope you have a good weekend. Are you doing anything with your man for Valentine's Day? We're not big V-Day types around here but we are thinking we might go have ice-cream tomorrow or something.

2. Check out this blog if you are into making crafty things for Valentines Day! There are so many crazy good ideas in here.

3. If you like photos and photography, check out this guy's stuff of his kids. They are such brilliant photos! Though I'm not sure how he does them. Helps that he is a professional photographer I guess haha... Here's his blog too if you want some recent/ongoing photos of them.

4. We have started a mini prayer network, called 'IF & When' at our church for those going through infertility and/or pregnancy loss... or just lots of waiting for children in general. I am so thankful that we have been able to do this and I'm hoping and praying that it will be a good support and encouragement to women at church and maybe even those in our community later on.

It is so exciting to see how God can use these hard and painful issues to connect some of us together...

5. My blog friend Heather wrote this beautiful post the other day. It is sort of along the same lines of a post I wrote a couple weeks ago, about how we, as wives, might feel about our husbands in this time of waiting for children.

6. I'm continually humbled by the number of people who have told me that they have been praying for the husband, baby and I. It is amazing. Thank you God for how sneakily and wonderfully You work!

I guess us being fairly open about our journey has allowed the information to be 'out there' so there are people who I don't know very well who have been thinking of us and praying for us. It means so much to me finding that out!

And it teaches me a thing or two because I really struggle to pray consistently for others, yikes. But anyway. Feeling very blessed.

** Pregnancy/Baby talk **

7. Our scan! It went very well. They checked on the baby's anatomy with so much detail. You could see so much (and we only did the normal scan, not the 3D one)... things look good... so relieved!

8. A boy! Very thankful that we got to find that out, as we were hoping to. We would've loved a girl too, so either is great of course. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't dreaming it up and just have some big grapefruit stuck in there. Honestly, yes was anxious. haha...

Yay!!!!! We kinda walked around in shock for a little while after. Is this for real?

9. So on Monday I make it to 20 weeks and that will be officially halfway. Ohmygosh. I kinda want the pregnancy to hurry up, so that I can meet this baby. I want to meet you! But I know I need to treasure these days too. So it is a funny feeling.

** Over and Out **

10. I'm feeling so much better but still tired a lot! Sigh... Hope you have had a good week? I'd better start getting ready. Think this was one of the fastest posts I've done. (Sorry if sentences are a bit choppy.) GO ME! Have a great weekend guys.

He Would Make a Good Dad

Did you cry too when you watched the scene in Up when they did a montage of their marriage and they found out the couldn't have kids?

I even blinked back a few tears the other day in Tangled when the queen looks at the king and he is weeping because his daughter is missing. It felt so familiar.

How do you describe the impact of infertility or loss on a marriage? How do you express what you feel when you know your beloved is longing for the same thing you are and you are both helpless?

I may be pregnant and embracing it. (I mean, I even braved up today and entered my due date in the (usually evil) Babycenter website so they could send me stuff I should be thinking about, etc)... But the experiences don't leave you... at least not for a while.

These two powerful posts from Life As Two are SO worth reading.
You can read Funny Face first, as it is what the second post, A Father's Love, is then based on.

I know our journey has not been like theirs, but the feelings are so similar. She couldn't have put it in a better way.

Christmas Day

Merry Christmas everyone!

(nativity set from my in-laws. first christmas that i get to display them! fun times.)

How are you doing?

I know today is a day of celebrating and enjoying time with friends and family. For us we pretty much received our gift and Christmas miracle early- our pregnancy. (um... Read previous post if you missed that.) Who knew? I still can't help but say it all seems so crazy. However I have also been thinking of those in the midst of a heart-breaking time.

I have two special friends who have gone through miscarriages this week. Each of them are very dear to me and it is heart-breaking to know they are grieving for their little child, especially right in this season of what should be joy and hope. Even though I can relate, I want so much to comfort them but words still escape me.

I also acknowledge a friend who misses her mother who has passed, and another friend who is going through a marriage separation.

These are all paths they also never imagined they'd be on. At times like Christmas, as much as it is a wonderful time, I'm sure you IF-ers know too, the realities of life can be so hard to avoid- yet another Christmas tree with no presents under it to buy for the child you imagine you'd have by now.

'I'm praying for you' is what I say, but it can seem so empty or overused when the depth of the pain appears so bottomless...

Oh Lord I continue to be thankful and overwhelmed by the infinite nature of your grace and mercy. The birth of Christ signifies the hope and life you bring. Yet I'm sure You also knew the double-edged-ness on the day of His birth, as it would mean His death and sacrifice for all of ours. (I think there is a song about this or maybe many songs but I can't remember it right now.)

You probably also had great joy and great sorrow as Jesus was welcomed to this broken world- knowing what was to come. I pray for comfort for these dear friends Lord. It can only come from You. All the words and gifts we may bring are useless and ultimately empty without You involved.

There are also so many questions we bring Lord. Could you have made it less painful? Better timing? Saved it for when we were prepared? How long more?

Anyway. We bring you these messed-up things and we know there is no other way but to let you handle them.

I know. Sorta heavy. But that's just what's on my mind. Hmmm...

It is actually already the end of Christmas day here. I had a lovely day (pancakes, presents, Skype, family, friends, etc. ) with special family here and I hope the same has been/will be for you too.

(this is what my living room is looking like...)

Goodnight!

Married for Six Years!

(not us. stock photo.)

This past weekend, the husband and I celebrated our 6th year wedding anniversary. Woopwoop! We had breakfast together (at McDonald's haha) and also had a lovely dinner at a nice restaurant.

We have also started this random tradition of getting a gift for each other only on the day, where we go to a mall, set a budget (this year it was $20 each) and a time limit and go find a fun gift for each other. We wait (this part is his idea not mine!) until we get home (painful) and then we exchange it.

I think it came out of relieving each other of the pressure of getting anniversary gifts, figuring how much to spend, what to get, getting annoyed if one forgot haha, etc. Especially because our anniversary is pretty close to Christmas and the husband's birthday, this has been a fun activity we can do together and on the day of the anniversary itself.

This year the husband got me a lovely ornament from Redcurrent (very pretty store, love it) and a home decor magazine that had heaps of Christmas ideas in it (ahhh! Too many ideas now!), while I got him a Mini magazine (like the Mini as in the type of car) and a big bag of lollies/candy cos' his magazine was a special import from the UK and sorta used up most of the budget haha.

So here we are six years on. Crazy! It has also been the American Thanksgiving (even though we don't really celebrate it here in NZ some of my American friends do) so we've been thinking about what we are thankful for.

The husband and I are thankful to God for:

- good support from people around us this past year, like a counsellor who has given us his wisdom and time for free!
- a great team we work with who have been flexible with us and given us lots of grace when we need it...
- a marriage where we are each other's best friend and we enjoy each other's company
- a marriage that has endured some unexpected things like job dramas, grief, medical things, infertility, etc, yet remained on the same page on the whole,
- things He is continually doing in our lives that we don't have control over (ugh have to say I love/hate it!)
- to be honest, just overall survival of another year.

On another note... today I spotted a couple posts on (in)courage that were neat.
Here they are:

- Staying Sane this Christmas (I need this because this year I'm a bit overwhelmed by how fast it has come by!)
- The Depth of an Empty Womb (I know each of us is at different places in this journey, and this author feels like she can 'see the light' and while not everyone may feel like this yet, it is still a good reminder to focus on God's promises... even if we don't feel like it!)

In Her Shoes

Yesterday we spent a day at our second session preparing us for the adoption process. It was a whole day, so was quite intense.

(The husband and I are currently putting fertility treatment on hold and since our adoption stuff seems to be having a bit of progress we thought to keep it going, since we have been keen on that too. It is hard to get our heads around it, as it has come up earlier than we'd thought and there are so many massive issues to consider... but we are still looking forward to the possibility!)

In the lunch break, after I wolfed down my vegetable pie, I went to get a baby-gift as there was this cool store close by and I'm never in the area. I have to admit I had to have a little laugh (angry/sad/ironic/what-am-I-doing) on the inside...

Here I was, a woman struggling with infertility and pregnancy loss, attending an adoption info session, stepping into a trendy and gorgeous baby shop, Nature Baby, where immediately I was confronted with clever wooden toys and merino blankets, along with a pregnant mother with her first child in the stroller (oh the jealousy) and another couple bobbing along with their cute newborn.

(I'm sure you are thinking, "Then why did you go in?!!" and yes, I constantly ask myself that too... but I think I am trying to be normal and function like a normal person, or at least pretend to be normal haha. I don't want to be held back!)

Oh how I felt like a fraud. Sure I was buying a legitimate gift, but I felt like everyone could see right through me... like they knew how ridiculous I felt walking around that shop, desiring every ounce of everything it represented.

This is not new for me. I'm sure so many others dealing with infertility know this all too well. There is no where to hide!

This morning I turned on the TV to catch Breakfast on doing a neat tribute to Christchurch and how resilient the community has been in the midst of the earthquake... and there is Pippa the delightful co-host talking who is 20 weeks pregnant with her third child talking about how she's clucky blahblahblah... I'm sorry but I had to turn down the volume as she spoke to the fortunate young couple and their baby born after the earthquake and went to get some laundry into the machine. Clean clothes is a good thing. Clean clothes is a good thing. Clean clothes is a good thing.

One of my most favourite TV shows is Project Runway (love it so much) and the recent season has only just started here a few weeks ago. I caught up on it last night and you know what's coming... the frustratingly super-beautiful and super-fertile Heidi Klum is on with her big pregnant belly staring right at me.

Please know, as I've said before, it is not that I'm actually mad at them and I know their lives are probably not all that simple either, it is just that they hold such stabbing reminders for me.

Before I go off topic haha, what I'd REALLY been wanting to say was... One of the things I've been learning about my journey is that is parallels quite closely with those who are single and desiring to be married, yet have had to wait on this too.

We both desire things that are on the whole positive (for me, to be a parent and for the single person, to be loved and cherished by a special person all your life), things that others seem to do quite naturally or easily, and we both understand that sense of being left behind while everyone else is 'progressing' ahead of you. We also both share the sense of sometimes feeling like the hope gets dimmer and dimmer as time ticks by- this may not be true but it feels like it.

I'm thankful that infertility has grown my ability to empathise with my friends who are single and wanting a husband and family. It has also taught me to be appreciative that I have the husband and am in a marriage where I could not ask for more...

But ANOTHER thing I thought of yesterday, after the adoption info session, was that infertility and loss has also expanded my empathy for birth mothers (women who for various reasons choose to give up their children for adoption). I get that they made a decision to give their baby up and a choice was made, while with infertility/pregnancy loss, it is mostly not as a result of choice... but I think I empathise with the overall sense of loss.

I guess I'm thinking that if pregnant women (why do I notice them all the time and everywhere?!), kids in the play corner, moms with strollers, baby shops, cars with baby seats, diaper ads, baby food aisles, baby showers, baby dedications, kids in supermarket trolleys, etc, constantly remind me of the babies I have yet to have or yet to meet, then it must do something quite similar for some birth mothers too.

The baby that they carried to full-term and gave up to someone else (sure they are very possibly in better care) is not with them and they have surrendered their rights to be parents. I'm sure they miss their child too.

Somehow that struck me quite strongly yesterday as someone spoke about the topic... hmmmm.

Update

I added a new page 'About Us' a couple days ago... more about the husband and I...

How to Heart a Hardware store

Marriage takes a deeper plunge too when you are dealing with infertility and loss. I have learnt a lot about how I know very little about the male psyche and how it functions, but miraculously we eventually do get to conclusions together (probably more by the grace of God than by normal resolve haha)... but I'll leave that for another day.

The husband and I are trying to make sure we spend time with each other. Like everyone else, life is busy and it is easy to let things go with the flow, then suddenly you realise you haven't really connected for a while.

Yesterday we were supposed to go for a walk outside, but because it was raining (when is it not?), the husband convinced me to go to the hardware store with him instead, since he had a small list of things to buy. His thought was that we could do our 'walk' there. (Right.)

Anyway. I went. He had good intentions and it was something to do together which is always nice, especially these days when things can feel a bit doom-and-gloom-ish.

But, it also gave me an idea. Here's a list of things you can do if you find yourself at hardware stores too, and believe me, I'm a pro. (I married a man who has car projects, yard projects, home projects- some my fault, don't-throw-away-that-I-can-fix-it projects, that have gone for longer than a year simultaneously, and yes, we have had meals in the garage.)

Here in NZ we have Mitre 10 Mega and Bunnings Warehouse- I think these are a close equivalent to Home Depot?

THE (girly) WIFE'S SURVIVAL GUIDE TO HARDWARE STORES

1. Wear comfy shoes, you never know how long you might be there.

2. Bring your phone- could be a good time to catch up on texts in between waiting for the husband to select the right kind of rivet.

3. If you are the academic kind, memorise what they have and where everything goes, it might make it faster to find something for the next time round, because you will probably be back.

4. Take note of things to get him for birthdays and Christmas. This is a hard one but yes, pay close attention.

5. Find the sections you like and go to them every time you go there so that you don't have to go where the husband goes, where everything looks the same- nail-like.

I personally enjoy looking at 'storage solutions' (plastic boxes, laundry baskets, cupboards, shelving), kitchens (for ideas), bathrooms, doors (could make a headboard out of a door), wood moulding (someone's framed a mirror with that stuff), plant pots (giant teapots are my favourite), etc. I don't really like power tools, hardware, gardening, lighting, etc... but that's just me for now.

6. Keep walking. Might as well get a bit of exercise while you are there.

7. Sometimes they sell massive bags of washing detergent/random other cleaning product like that- why not calculate if it actually is cheaper to get those than the smaller portions you get at the supermarket. That's one I've been meaning to do.

8. Ask someone for help if you or the husband need a hand. There might be a small scuffle between the two of you because either one will always claim they don't need help but it saves time (and your marriage)- that's if you can find a staff person in the giant land of metal shelving.

9. If you are feeling brave, there often is a child-proofing section, so you can plan what you'd buy there one day, or how you'd be such a great parent that the sound of your voice would turn them away from the doorknob so you wouldn't need that stuff. Of course, if that is too overwhelming to daydream about, which is often is for me, then please don't. Take that as a warning instead- so if you see baby-gate, run.

10. If you lose the husband, don't bother looking. It never turns up any finds and he's probably not ready to go anyway- still figuring out which type of wood is best. Maybe go buy some saws and sculpting tools so you can use them in the kitchen for baking like on Ace of Cakes. (Love.)

11. The paint sample cards can be semi-fascinating. They are free so you can collect a few everytime you go past and make them into some craft project at home like a piece of art (like this dress) or design your own greeting cards.

12. If all else fails, turn to food. Some stores now have cafes in them but if not, there are bags of lollies at the checkout counters, or sometimes there are sausage sizzles going outside so go have one, or two.

Gratefulness and Grief

One of the things I've been learning through infertility is the 'duality' of things. For one, gratefulness and grief. They seem to be on opposite ends but they really are a combo.

(I love this and have been saving this photo for something. Since there are two flamingoes that make up a one gorgeous pair, I thought it'd be cool for this post!)

I've been thinking about this topic for a long time- things like these keep me awake at night! (Do you do that too?)

It has come up because I think sometimes we feel like we should not be 'down' or should only be for a short time. There are a few logical reasons for this.

One, I think we are nervous  about how we look- as it portrays that we are not grateful or thankful for what we have. It makes us look greedy, needy or dissatisfied. For example, I am married so I should find sufficient peace and happiness in my marriage and be grateful for that, instead of continually aching for children.

Totally. I'm all for 'counting my blessings', believe me! It makes sense. But honestly, at times, depending on the context, a response like that can be somewhat harsh.

Two, as Christians, there is that sense that we should be 'happy' because of what Christ has done for us, and though this is true, maybe being happy-all-the-time is unrealistic. We can be full of joy but we may not be happy about everything. I think there is a difference between joy and happiness. Happy being more of an emotional response, where as joy is maybe being positively assured and knowing you are okay deep at the core of you? Maybe? Hmmm... (Maybe I'll leave this for a Part 2 or something... )

Three, often grief involves questioning God himself, our concept of who God is and faith and sometimes we are nervous to do so. Fair enough.

I find grief a hard word to describe. My definition would be something like- engaging in and responding to the situation that has left a large impact, or something like that... There is also the famous five stages of grief that are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. This is a useful way to understand the way grief is expressed, as we go through it.

With infertility, because it is not a one-off situation and there is no closure for a while or at all, even the five stages of grief may be an insufficient way to express it, as instead, it is an ongoing process, and the 'stages' pop up here and there and we get better at dealing with them, but they come back throughout life. Complicated.

For me, in terms of infertility and miscarriage, it is easy to think that it is simply all about babies. Like if you plonked a baby on my lap, all will be solved. Sadly it is not that simple, I have discovered there are more layers to this.

I grieve:

• the loss of being able to ovulate as a woman usually does,
• the loss of being able to conceive all by ourselves,
• the loss of carrying a baby/being pregnant to term,
• the loss of giving birth to a baby,
• the loss of bringing up a child,
• the loss of having a child that looks like us.

Now, please please know that I am aware these things may change in the future (or could already be changing) and we do have hope that it will, and pray that it will, but as we live in the present, this is the reality for me now. These are the issues I'm having to engage in and process through. Does that make sense?

It is not necessarily that I'm sad or crying all the time, it is more that these issues are always close to my heart, I wrestle with them daily and I have an ongoing discussion about them- with God, others, myself.

At the same time, I am grateful for everything I have. Quite possibly, in light of what I don't have, it makes me treasure what I do have all the more.

I have an indescribably-awesome husband, supportive friends, caring family, shelter, food, great country to live in, a job that is meaningful, an income, shoes, bags, clothes, etc. God's made me to be someone unique, with my own particular quirks (lots), strengths and weaknesses. I've been slowly molded as I've been following Christ. I'm learning a lot from the decisions I've made, etc... I am thankful for many things and I can list a hundred more things I'm grateful for if you ask me to.

So how does this work?

I guess they are not mutually exclusive. Having the bacon doesn't mean you will automatically resist the chocolate cake. (Probably not a fool-proof illustration, but I thought I'd use it anyway, as food's always a good one haha...)

I am discovering I can be grieving and grateful at the same time. And I'm learning to not be afraid of engaging in the seemingly 'sad' or difficult things in life. (Of course there is a point to which we should dwell on this stuff... as being too introspective has its hazards too!)

I think this reflects the reality of being human. We know things can be better and we seek it out. Whether we believe in God or not, we all seem to have this sense of looking forward to something better- desiring things to be fixed, made good, improved etc.

I believe this is because we all have an understanding of perfection, and as we are imperfect beings in a broken world, we desire it. What I'm trying to say is that longing for things to be made good is a natural part of us and it will not go away, probably not until heaven.

Additionally, we are only able to truly understand the beautiful and lovely things in life, only when we can also grasp the difficult and the ugly, as they exist in relation to each other.

What do you think?

Hmmm... I'm trying very hard to keep my posts short-ish haha... so I will end here for now... I hope this made sense and connected with you too (and that you are keeping warm wherever you are)!

Whozzat?

When things get taken away from you, they strip you of your identity.

The whole idea of identity is a massive and fascinating topic and I'm probably only scratching a few layers of it, but I've been thinking about it... and I've had time to! I've been a shut-in for five days. (And for good reason. I'm not planning to be a hero- though I very much want to be. I hope to heal up well and fully, or close to it, so I have been resting. This is so that I can resume a bit of 'normality'- whatever that is- in our daily lives.)

In the last couple of years, I have been through four hospital admissions. This has also meant that I am becoming the Queen of Recovery- staying at home for a bunch of days, resting a lot, moving around but not too much, etc. I have also been very blessed to have people around me who have cared and helped to provide for our needs.

But being made to stay at home and not do much (as much as that sounds lovely at times) does something to you. I'm sure that seems a bit obvious- for one, cabin fever. And it is just not as glam - the Queen wears a coat of old duvet instead of red velvet and scruffy slippers instead of gem-encrusted shoes. She's usually home alone so there aren't any minions to boss around or posh tea parties or anything, though yes, there is cake and there is eating.

What I mean is, it makes me feel like I am not a contributing member of society, it makes me feel like I'm missing out, PLUS it makes me realise that the world goes on spinning with or without me. In short, it makes me reflect on who I am and what that means.

I can understand why we find so much 'pleasure' in being busy whether it is getting things done or spending time with others. As much as these may be positive things that do help the world function better, I realise they also give us a sense of being satisfied with who we are, a security in knowing we are needed and that we have a role to play.

For me, I feel like who I think I am is constantly being tweaked and questioned. Let me try and explain. Here are some of the things I pride myself on being... and some of the who-am-I questions it leaves me with:

• I put a lot of effort into being a good wife to the husband. I love the husband. But in recent months, things have been out of our control. There are aspects of his health and well-being that I cannot 'make better'.

Even if I wasn't a wife or a good wife, who would I be?

• I aim to be healthy and fit- and let's be honest, want to look good. Running and swimming are some of my 'things' that I try to do. But with having many procedures and treatments, these are also things that I constantly have to give up and re-arrange.

 If I wasn't even able to be healthy, or can't take care of how I look, who would I be?

• I thought that desiring to be a mother was a God-given thing and I don't think I have impure motives to be one. Now that I have been struggling to have a baby, that role of motherhood feels out of my reach.

 If I'm never a mother, who would I be and how will I still be okay?

• I have wanted to be in a job that is meaningful. And both in my previous and current job, I am doing something that is precious to me. However, just when I find my feet with one task or project, things seem to change due to life's ups and downs or I'm not always able to figure out how best to use my strengths and abilities, etc.

If don't excel in my job, can't prove to others that I am a capable woman, who am I?

• I want to be a good friend to my friends, but there are some relationships that I have not been able to pursue due to events in life and a drop in capacity (and I'm not even a high-capacity person in the first place). Or I've not been able to solve their problems as well as I'd like to. 

If friendships get strained or taken away from me, or if I can't be there for them all, who am I?

Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to get us all depressed nor am I asking for sympathy. I'm still going to pursue these things (above) to the best of my abilities. Surprisingly, yes, I do actually love my life. I list them just to illustrate how I think I hold on to roles that I feel give me significance, when maybe even these seemingly 'good' things are still only peripheral to who/what God wants us to be and He is constantly peeling me back to help me discover what's at the core. Or it is the manner in which I am stubbornly using them to make me feel good, that He is trying to pry my fingers from- maybe? I don't really know.

I think maybe what I'm trying to process is: God is showing me (will be showing me throughout my lifetime) how I've anchored my identity in so many aspects of life- many of which are not bad. But even some of these things may not always be, and His following question/s is, "Who will you be without these? What will you do then?"...

Truth is, I know the answer. It just isn't the easiest one to do- I'm still learning how. Yet it is the best and the only way.

So I died to the law—I stopped trying to meet all its requirements—so that I might live for God. My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.
Galations 2:19-20 (NLT)

No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:39 (NLT)

Choose Your Own Adventure?

(Only if I could peek over the stupid hedge!!!)

The husband hasn't been 100% health-wise these last few months (yes... somehow the weeks have turned into months). It has been an interesting ride on another rollercoaster, just when we thought we were already on a rollercoaster with interfility- ha. Thankfully I think we are on the home stretch. I think we are getting somewhere in terms of him feeling better, but we've got to be patient- as we know, the human body doesn't always do what we want when we think it should. Grrrrr. (More waiting, anyone?)

Anyway. I've really missed being with the husband. We do a lot of everyday things together, and when that changes, it really messes with your world. My evenings have been a little different with him going to bed way WAY earlier- so I'm watching TV on my own (so weird), or doing the dishes alone or on the computer. The house is really quiet. Just lonely really, yet I don't really want to be doing anything else because I want to be close by to him. Our social life has also dwindled to pretty much not being able to make any commitments that involve evenings- which really limits our options because generally, people work in the day! I've gone to things alone, when he would usually come with me. Also, things we were thinking of doing or been planning to do have been left undone or half-done.

As a tick-boxer-type personality (actually both of us are in different ways), this has been a new nightmare.

Basically, life is different. Again.

What? It is not like we were really living life in the fast lane. Yet here we are, cutting our capacity down again another few notches. My brain has gone through some rewiring I think- you think I'd be used to this by now, but I'm not.

Whatever it is, we've gained a new insight into those who have way more long-term health issues. I think (and hope) our capacity to empathise has grown. We're learning even what it means to spend time with each other, now that we have even less of it- so even our appreciation for marriage has grown. (I think I've had a small taste of what it would be like to be a widow! It is a scary thing but something I can't take for granted.)

It has also been hard not knowing how to function as the spouse of someone who's not feeling well for an extended amount of time- it is confusing and wearying.  Communication as a married couple when you are both healthy is already hard enough! Definitely doesn't get any better when one of you is down... But we learn new things don't we? Oh God, I hope I am learning.

I'm thankful we are getting some positive news these days and the husband is slowly feeling better. I feel like everyday we are literally clinging to God because we have no idea what each day will bring at the moment. And why should that be a bad thing?

Like the husband says, life is an adventure. And I'm glad for every little bit of it I get to do with him.

10 things...

Here are 10 things I'm THANKING GOD for:

1. This pic. I love this picture. I didn't take it but I've been 'storing it' to share with you and since it was beautiful again today here in Auckland, this photo is a good representation of it. (Can you tell I'm dreading the weather cooling down?)

2. I had a weekend. Yes a whole Saturday and a whole Sunday!

3. The husband and I got to spend some time together. In light of new job hours and health, this has been sooo precious.

4. Friends who have been there to hang with me, laugh with, cry with and pray for me/us. (And haven't gotten sick of us.)

5. Coffee/walks/seeing/meeting up with the above in point 4.

6. New ideas. Someone (from the Hannah's Prayer Forums) came up with the great idea of 'IF (infertility) points'. This is where you think of something you have been able to do that you would not have, or would be hard, if you have kids or a baby. Look, I'm human, know this isn't gonna work on some days but overall, I LOVE this idea. For example, here are three:

7. For the last two weeks, we were able to have a friend stay with us in our spare room while she's in between places to live. She was great to hang with. It was fun having a temporary flatmate! (If we had kids, we probably wouldn't have had the space, and at most could've only offered a couple nights for her to stay.)

8. I spent a large part of Saturday baking cupcakes, decorating them and naming them (yes I named them). I got to take my time and enjoy the process. (If I had kids, I'm not sure how much time I'd have like this to just choose to do 'whatever' for a few hours.)

9. In the morning, I can go for a walk or run (um... if I do get up early to do this) without having to worry about getting back to the kids in time for something- except sometimes I have to be careful of being late for the next thing on haha...

10. Tenth thing I'm thankful for... Hot Fudge Sundaes at McDonalds. Oh actually! A resource- On another blog (patientlywaiting) I found this link The Infertility Awareness Project.
It is to a video/slideshow that this lady made for her friends and family, to communicate about infertility. It was hard to watch but reflected what would be on my heart too. Maybe it could be useful for you?

11. Okay this is more than ten but, BOOKS. God On Mute by Peter Greig is one I'm reading through slowly. He looks at why sometimes prayer is 'unanswered'. I'm enjoying his writing style. Thank God also for friends who share these books with you.

Seeing Others Hurt

It has been an intense week. I had to study for an exam, which I am not great at- I panic and zone out quite a lot, but it is over so that's done! Yes. Thankfully I also got to do this paper with a good friend, which made it all the more enjoyable.

A friend of mine miscarried her baby at nine weeks. It was really sad news. In a way, I got to be in the shoes of my own friends, trying to find the words, or lack of, to express often what can't really be expressed. I hurt for her and her hubby knowing that they'd just gone from announcing the good news, to having to suddenly deal with the bad.

At the same time, I was trying hard not to project how I felt in my experience, on my friend who was going through it, and I think I am learning that we all deal with things, sometimes similarly, but mostly differently. I needed to remember this as I sometimes have expectations that others will react like me, which is a silly expectation but something that I do. I just hope I was there for her and wasn't too intense about it all.

A close friend also pointed out that the fact that when you are dealing with the loss of a baby in light of infertility, which was the case for me, that is also an added factor for difference in reactions, and that was helpful for me to think through too. (Thanks.)

Overall, it just sucks to see others hurt.

The husband hasn't been feeling all that healthy the past months too, and is on his own medical trail. (Together we are keeping both private and public medical sectors busy- this is what a phlebotomist said to me the other day, after she saw us for the second time in a short space of time. She's pretty much become one of my best friends- when we hang out we chat but we don't have coffee, we just exchange forms and she draws my blood.)

It is confusing seeing him go through this. I feel like our relationship in the last couple years has been about  constantly finding ourselves on shifting ground, and here we are again on a new platform of jello. Here we are trying to figure out both my gynaelogical things and his mysterious health stuff- chasing down test results, referrals and faxed-throughs. How did we get here? He's the stable one between us two. He's not supposed to be unwell.

(I'll be honest. I have also thought over how all this is affecting MY plan to try again soon. Which is pretty small-minded in light of the stress that he's going through. But that is a constant battle in my head. )

It is very hard to see him worry. I want to protect him, but I can't- and I know this is how he has felt about me too in these past months. Its funny- you want vulnerability in a relationship, especially marriage, but you don't necessarily want the circumstances that come with it.

But God is also taking us to a depth in our relationship with Him and each other, that we are not going to know of otherwise.

(Oh God what will tomorrow bring? Please keep our eyes on you.)

On another level there have been some small pleasures, walking a sweet old dog for a friend, Dunkin Donuts, a coffee together at the beach before summer weather really goes...

... we can do one day at a time.