10 Things at Ten ish.

I've wanted to 'take stock' of things I'm thankful for, especially things that infertility and miscarriage have 'taught' me. I know it is easy to just list them now, but going through them is a totally different story... but I kinda wanted to remind myself of things that being child-less or child-free has allowed me to do or learn or appreciate more... Here we go.

1. Today I'm going to a wedding (yup get to dress up again!) and I don't have to deal with figuring out kids or babysitting. (Not always sure about what to do with my hair though...)

2. The husband and I have been married for 6.5 years. The plan was to have kids after 2-3 years. Yet, I love how our relationship has grown in this time and I think in ways we never could've planned, due to being without children. I don't take that for granted.

3. We can do whatever. we. want. with our days and evenings- like go for a drive, eat random food cos' I wasn't organised enough, buy random second-hand things on trademe and go pick them up easily, etc.

4. You can laugh but I think getting Sammy the dog (which I orginally/stubbornly did not want to do until after having kids! Then realised I may not know when I'd have kids...) has been a great transition for us to dealing with children.

Dear Sammy has brought the following... Dirty carpet, weird smells, need to be fed, needs fresh water, needs needs needs, loud whining in the morning, high need for attention, needs a sitter if away from home for too long, needs telling off, etc, which is good for someone like me to get used to.

5. Having been through fertility treatment and small surgeries, I'm so much more okay with things that would usually be awkward for me (which hopefully will come in handy for birthing oh gosh).

Talking about intimate/sensitive issues, flashing intimate parts of the body (sometimes more than a flash), being poked and prodded, dealing with also bodily fluids you don't want to talk about, etc.

6. We've gotten to spend time (and money) making the house look cool, which is something I enjoy and have really appreciated. I just have so many ideas and am glad we've gotten to do some of them. Things that would take time and effort I probably wouldn't have a lot of if I had small children... like putting frames up, painting things, getting a new couch, weird crafts that get left in the cupboard, etc.

7. I've learnt to appreciate certain special days and holidays more. I think because a lot of them revolve around the idea of 'family' and more so families-with-children, it forces me to re-evaluate why they are important in the first place. Or also to figure out how to celebrate them regardless of the 'children' part- especially ones like Christmas, Easter, etc...

8. As much as I've cried more in the last few years than in my whole lifetime put together, I think we've also been forced to laugh. (Probably still learning that as I can be a hard one to make laugh!)

You have to laugh about the path you never thought you'd be on- sex-within-a-timeframe (uh... honey... the doc says the follicles are lookin'-good... we might need to go home NOW...), injection needles in your cupboard, drugs in your fridge, pelvic ultrasounds with male gynes you've never met and the husband right there too, the fact that you have to PAY money for a chance to conceive, etc.

9. I think I've also gained great empathy for others, especially with learning to grieve or wait or deal with prayers that seem on hold. I am (I hope) more sensitive to those who are going through a hard time, have lost loved ones, who would like to be married but aren't, and of course others dealing with infertility and miscarriage.

10. Lastly, the world takes on a different colour. I've learnt so see things from a different perspective. A hard one to explain huh. Maybe on a deeper-level sort of way. Kinda like a stronger desire to see things from God's perspective and curious about how He deals with the heartbroken... I'm not sure!

Anyway. That's me for today. Better go get ready! (Will try post more photos later!)

Bunch 'O' Thoughts- Baby, Birthdays, Easter

(bunch)

Baby-related thoughts
1. So weird. You spend four years waiting for a baby and now that he's on the way... I feel totally unprepared.

I think my brain has been so centered on how to conceive and keep pregnancy going, now maybe compared to normal women, I have a lot to catch up on with the thought of labour and post-natal care! We'll get there...

2. Feels a bit like a dream. Every now and then, like when I wake up and am lying on the bed, I forget that I'm pregnant. Then I try to get up... and I remember I'm pregnany cos' I can't get up haha.

3. It is just amazing to think that the baby will look like the husband and I. I can't get over this! I stare at the husband and am so excited to see how the baby will resemble him. In our heads, we were prepared for a baby that didn't look like us (adoption) and we're still keen on that one day... but it has been surprisingly hard to switch our heads back!

4. I tried out this ante-natal swimming class the other day. It was so much fun! Only pregnant women (and maybe seniors) have the excuse to goof-off in the swiming pool/ do odd exercises and get away with it. I also got to make a couple of new friends, so hopefully I'll get to know them better...

CELEBRATION- some stuff I'm learning (probably from my dear friend C, and maybe TV haha)
5. Birthdays
Birthdays can be hard. Especially if you are dealing with IF, birthdays sort of stare you in the face like a horrible countdown timer. I know I'm still 'young', but birthdays have begun to carry more weight in the past couple years. This year I loved hanging out with the husband and just having some time to ourselves. (We went to Rotorua. Thanks for house-sitting, KP!) It was great as it has felt so hectic these past months.

Here are some ideas to deal with birthdays... at least for me.
a) Embrace them! Whether quietly or loudly, let it be a time to celebrate your life thus far and think about something else for a while.

b) Make it kinda like some other big occasion- Christmas, New Year, Chinese New Year haha etc. For me, I unofficially make it Birthday Week or Birthday Month (yes, kinda like Oprah or Ellen on TV)... do small things you've been wanting to do for youself- bake treats, get hair done etc.

c) Get an outfit? I like clothes. Make a birthday shirt (yes with your age somewhere on it if you dare), or get a fun dress... if you're not into clothes, I've thought of a necklace with the numbers of your age on it or some crafty project to commemorate the specific year. Why not?

(this year i got a polka dot dress as my 'birthday outfit' haha. pictured with mintchocchip frappucino.)

d) Let others do stuff for you if they want to. If someone offers to pamper you with a meal or movie, let them! I loved that I got a cake baked for me.

e) Food- I celebrate with food a lot, and I know many others do, so keep that as a part of the birthday deal!

f) Party- I am not a party-thrower, but a friend recently did one as her birthday co-incided with the Royal Wedding. She had a girl's night and guests came in their wedding dresses or bridesmaids dress, etc. It was such a clever idea! And a great way to have a night of fun.

6. Easter
Like many others, I've 'saved' up ideas in my head on what I'd do if I had kids... even though many 'holidays' mean more than just family activities, it does get hard when it is a reminder that you don't have children.

This year, even though we are not far from having this baby, we had our own little Easter Egg Hunt. Just the two of us.

The weather hasn't been fab at all, so we just got allocated parts of the house, the husband hid the pink and yellow eggs (for me) and I hid the green and blue ones. Sammy the dog had a hard time figuring out what we were doing! It was a short hunt as it was just indoors, but it was still a little burst of fun and silliness. (I kinda laugh that I'm trying to embrace this 'life of two' more now as this we are becoming three... typical huh.)

Easter

(I love hot cross buns!)

Another Easter weekend has come and gone. We got to celebrate it with lovely friends who treat us like family. We are thankful for them.

April is a significant time for me. Two years ago, Andy and Nikki Bray lost their daughter Natasha in a horrible river canyoning accident, as did six other families. Around the same time, we experienced our first loss.

I remember reflecting on these things. Our first baby loss was very hard for me. It surprised me how bad I took it. I think as much as I had thought about miscarriage and knew others who had gone through it, I still didn't expect it to happen, and so when it did, it was a great shock. Also, when it takes extra effort to get there, with fertility treatment, you are also grieving the idea that you may have just used your ONE 'lucky ticket' kinda thing, though I know that may not be an actual truth. It just felt like a big blow on so many levels.

Anyway. I remember thinking that if I found it so so hard dealing with the loss of this baby, whom I hadn't even really known (carried for 9 weeks in the womb), how much harder would it be for the Brays who lost their amazing seventeen-year-old daughter, and pretty much any other parent who has lost a child.

Then I remember also transferring that to wondering how intensely agonizing it would have been for God to see His only Son die on the cross. How did God feel? And not only did Jesus die as someone who was perfect, He did it for us, beings who do not deserve it at all. Not at all. (I don't think I will ever be able to comprehend how God felt/feels, but I know He has also made us in His image so we probably have some understanding of it.)

I know I have to be careful about bringing God to 'my level' but I have to say that it comforts me to know God knows how it feels and knows it to a much larger extent. It helps me to know God isn't just this face-less, cold yet powerful thing who is simply shoving me to 'get over it', but treasures my tears and is holding me tight.

There are always so many more things I want to say and expand on! But I need to keep to time... haha so that's all for now.