Christmas Day

Merry Christmas everyone!

(nativity set from my in-laws. first christmas that i get to display them! fun times.)

How are you doing?

I know today is a day of celebrating and enjoying time with friends and family. For us we pretty much received our gift and Christmas miracle early- our pregnancy. (um... Read previous post if you missed that.) Who knew? I still can't help but say it all seems so crazy. However I have also been thinking of those in the midst of a heart-breaking time.

I have two special friends who have gone through miscarriages this week. Each of them are very dear to me and it is heart-breaking to know they are grieving for their little child, especially right in this season of what should be joy and hope. Even though I can relate, I want so much to comfort them but words still escape me.

I also acknowledge a friend who misses her mother who has passed, and another friend who is going through a marriage separation.

These are all paths they also never imagined they'd be on. At times like Christmas, as much as it is a wonderful time, I'm sure you IF-ers know too, the realities of life can be so hard to avoid- yet another Christmas tree with no presents under it to buy for the child you imagine you'd have by now.

'I'm praying for you' is what I say, but it can seem so empty or overused when the depth of the pain appears so bottomless...

Oh Lord I continue to be thankful and overwhelmed by the infinite nature of your grace and mercy. The birth of Christ signifies the hope and life you bring. Yet I'm sure You also knew the double-edged-ness on the day of His birth, as it would mean His death and sacrifice for all of ours. (I think there is a song about this or maybe many songs but I can't remember it right now.)

You probably also had great joy and great sorrow as Jesus was welcomed to this broken world- knowing what was to come. I pray for comfort for these dear friends Lord. It can only come from You. All the words and gifts we may bring are useless and ultimately empty without You involved.

There are also so many questions we bring Lord. Could you have made it less painful? Better timing? Saved it for when we were prepared? How long more?

Anyway. We bring you these messed-up things and we know there is no other way but to let you handle them.

I know. Sorta heavy. But that's just what's on my mind. Hmmm...

It is actually already the end of Christmas day here. I had a lovely day (pancakes, presents, Skype, family, friends, etc. ) with special family here and I hope the same has been/will be for you too.

(this is what my living room is looking like...)

Goodnight!

Unfinished Business

Kutless sings this song called "I'm Still Yours" and in it there are beautiful lines, some are similar to questions that I have also been asking myself these past few years...

When my life is not what I expected

The plans I made have failed

When there’s nothing left to steal me away

Will You be enough for me?

Will my broken heart still sing?

(More lyrics here.)

And I think the truth is that it will remain a question. I will continue to ask that of myself- and have to make that daily decision quite possibly for the rest of my life.
 
Don't get me wrong, I don't doubt my relationship with Christ and His love for us. My view of God has not been shaken and in fact, my understanding of Him has deepened.

He is a faithful God, but what about me?
 
I still remain a broken person, full of crap-o-la baggage, so it doesn't mean that it makes it any easier to trust Him in the times when things are so not what you thought they should be and you have no control over it. You know what I mean?
 
...
 
I love that the song ends with the whole idea that regardless of my response to God... I'm still Yours.

His infinite wide arms of grace overpowers my small whatevers.
 
Have a listen. Hope it speaks to you too.

Easter

(I love hot cross buns!)

Another Easter weekend has come and gone. We got to celebrate it with lovely friends who treat us like family. We are thankful for them.

April is a significant time for me. Two years ago, Andy and Nikki Bray lost their daughter Natasha in a horrible river canyoning accident, as did six other families. Around the same time, we experienced our first loss.

I remember reflecting on these things. Our first baby loss was very hard for me. It surprised me how bad I took it. I think as much as I had thought about miscarriage and knew others who had gone through it, I still didn't expect it to happen, and so when it did, it was a great shock. Also, when it takes extra effort to get there, with fertility treatment, you are also grieving the idea that you may have just used your ONE 'lucky ticket' kinda thing, though I know that may not be an actual truth. It just felt like a big blow on so many levels.

Anyway. I remember thinking that if I found it so so hard dealing with the loss of this baby, whom I hadn't even really known (carried for 9 weeks in the womb), how much harder would it be for the Brays who lost their amazing seventeen-year-old daughter, and pretty much any other parent who has lost a child.

Then I remember also transferring that to wondering how intensely agonizing it would have been for God to see His only Son die on the cross. How did God feel? And not only did Jesus die as someone who was perfect, He did it for us, beings who do not deserve it at all. Not at all. (I don't think I will ever be able to comprehend how God felt/feels, but I know He has also made us in His image so we probably have some understanding of it.)

I know I have to be careful about bringing God to 'my level' but I have to say that it comforts me to know God knows how it feels and knows it to a much larger extent. It helps me to know God isn't just this face-less, cold yet powerful thing who is simply shoving me to 'get over it', but treasures my tears and is holding me tight.

There are always so many more things I want to say and expand on! But I need to keep to time... haha so that's all for now.