Pregnancy after IF/Loss- Ticking Off My Wishlist (sorta)

I've made it to 38.5 weeks. Who knew I'd ever make it to 'heavily pregnant'?

Think I'm on 10kgs in terms of weight increase so 'heavily' is definitely appropriate. No wonder I'm having trouble getting out of the car, out of bed, off the couch, etc. haha...

ANYWAY. I've been asking myself, "Have I gotten to do everything I wanted to do while being pregnant?"... you know, like when you save up things-to-do for a holiday or Disneyland with a list of things like food to eat and books to read, etc?

I'm FAST getting to the end, and I think so. Here are my 'things':


1
- Wear all the clothes you've been accumulating that you thought you'd one day wear as maternity clothes, or actually are. DO IT.
It has been fun. Though you have to laugh when you start to get sick of stretchy tights or at the fact that I don't fit that well into my maternity jeans anymore- believe it or not, they are too tight when I sit! (Jeanswest has pretty good and affordable maternity jeans.)

2
- Linger while in baby stores and sections.
It was hard to do at first, but you get there as pregnancy progresses (thankful) and it is nice sort of being a 'normal' pregnant woman. Though the silly part is you get tired walking around malls and so shopping stamina isn't what it used to be!

3
- Try not to be apologetic. (That's me.)
If you want a super awesome baby room, go for it! Show it off. You've been staring at that spare room for so long, having it filled with a child's things is so surreal.

($20 change table from trademe and lovely baby basket given to us from a lady at church!)

(baby bunting made by my friend ju! note: photo is deceiving cos' rest of the room is actually filled with random stuff on the floor haha.)

If you want to take lots of belly-photos, do it! We did.

(last week. sammy the dog has started to take part too. he looks a little funny- naked- here cos' his collar is off!)

4
- Celebrate.
As I make my way through this list I think most of them you are iffy with at first, especially if you have been through IF and/or baby loss. That's ok. What I mean is celebrate every day you get to carry this baby, and let others celebrate with you too. Whether it is just with simple things along the way, or a big baby shower at the end, whatever suits your style.

(look at the mad amount of gifts we got! thank you so much.)

5
- Remember the things you wanted to do before dealing with IF/loss made you forget, and do them or consider them again...
For me, it is simple things like thinking about what diaper system to use (though I sort of put that off for now cos' it is a little overwhelming). And random objects I want to buy for the baby one day like gumboots... Or to do with birthing, things you thought you'd try- water birth?

6
- Deal with your Facebook issues haha... (this was personal for me, maybe not for everyone)
You guys know that Facebook can be a source of difficulty for many of us going through IF or baby loss and definitely has been the case for me, so for me I wanted to be careful how I used it during pregnancy.

Yet I didn't want to hold back expressing how God has walked us through this, how thankful we are to be pregnant and to acknowledge that we are being prayed for by many people. (And many overseas friends and family simply wanted to know how it has been.) So... I've done it. I have posted stuff.

This has been tricky and thought I've wanted to be sensitive, I'm sure I haven't done all of it perfectly... but if I'm not sure sometimes I only show certain 'statuses' and 'photos' to certain close family and friends instead of everyone on the list. Of course, it is also just lovely to receive well-wishes and to know others are thinking of us.

7
- Embrace all the baby-baby stuff that you once were allergic to. (It is not wrong.)
I didn't think I would but I have gone on to Babycenter most weeks since the start to find out what 'vegetable' my baby is close in size to. I know it is a random thing to go on for, as Babycenter also offers a lot of other great things about pregnancy and parenting haha, but I've enjoyed it and it has provided a few laughs! This week the baby is like a leek.

Which is very nice and slim. Thankyouverymuch.

HOWEVER, check out the vegetable photo for the next 2 weeks: Watermelon and pumpkin! NO WORDS NEEDED to express how we feel about that.

8
- Do something only pregnant people can. Even if you said you'd never do it...
I have to admit I told friends I'd never do a pregnancy photoshoot because the ones I've seen are so cheesy (please don't be offended) but also, the truth is they have been hard to look at cos' I've been so jealous and envious of those who have been able to take part!

So one day when a sweet friend told me a photography place was doing a session for free, where you also get a couple free prints, I was like, NAH. But then I had a look at their stuff and it was really quite pretty. Plus it was valued at around $300 (wowmama)!

And then I thought, well, if the husband agrees (that'll be a long-shot) that'll help us decide. Turns out, he said yes! And I think we were also both thinking, "When are we gonna be able to do this again?" ... so we went for it.

It was pretty hilarious because we are fairly shy in some ways. Yet we decided to do it and enjoy it. And we did. We may never show those photos to anyone but it was a good laugh and an experience to remember!

Overall, I think I'm trying to say that for us, this has been such a dream come true. Knowing that we really don't know what the future brings, and this may be our only experience of being pregnant for the full NINE months, the husband and I have tried to appreciate and enjoy it where possible.

Thank you God that we have been able to relax in these later months of it and have been able to savour it with help from others.

(have to show off this beautiful baby blanket made my the husband's aunt. mailed all the way from canada. oh and lovely cribset sent to me by my sis-in-law, K, from the u.s. thanks girl!)

Come on baby! We'd love to meet you.

Timely Treats

In the midst of stuff, I've been very fortunate to have friends and family caring for us. Here are some things that I'm thankful for these past few weeks.

1. Beautiful flowers (and notes) from friends!

Brightening up a rainy day. (Thanks Jul.)

Colourful gerberas light up the house. (Thanks S.)

(There was also a lovely rose- thanks L, but can't see it in the pic...)

2. Beauty in the bleak weather. (It is still a bit cold and wet around here, even though it is officially spring. )

Love these. Spidey in the rain... it got washed away later on though.

3. Be nice to your family cos' they send you nice things.

We got sent these mini Reese's cups in the mail! (Dark chocolate ones too!) They came with a bunch of books I'd gotten my bro and sis-in-law in the U.S. to send over to me, cos' Amazon shipping is a killer to NZ.

I got this cute apron from my sis-in-law in Canada, along with new photos and videos of my nephew and niece (love!) and some other things. (Had to go to the garage to find the husband to take a pic for me haha. ) Here I am wearing it with my um... running gear.

If you want one too, her friend has a shop...

Thanks guys!

4. This weekend, the husband and I got to spend some time together on Saturday night. We took the bus into downtown Auckland cos' we didn't know if traffic would be bad, as there were some closures for the two days...

We had bubble tea downtown. This place called Hulu Cat Cafe totally rocks.  (His drink is Caramel Milk Tea with Coffee Jelly. Very Asian I know...)

5. Great music- We went to a Sons of Korah gig. They are an Aussie band who sing the Psalms. Like straight from the Bible! It was beautiful.

It was held at an old church, St Pauls, so the sound and atmosphere was really cool. It was especially special cos' they ended with Psalm 91, which has been very close to my heart these past couple years.

One funny thing was that we were some of the few younger people in the crowd. Haha. Didn't know they were more appreciated by the older folk.

6. Glad we got to go. After the concert, a couple we knew there gave us a ride home! So sweet cos' even though the bus ride home isn't too bad, it was gonna be a long walk to the bus-stop.

7. My friend C gave me a cute strawberry plate as a 'cheer up' gift. I can be a bit of a random collector of interesting things, and if they are red, that's even better.

I put it on my shelf...

8. I got a new FRYING PAN! I am so stoked. (It was half-price at Farmers.)

The speckled one is the new one (ceramic). The other one is the old one, which we got from our wedding presents six years ago, which I really liked using too- had a waffle-y surface. I had gotten so used to it that I had no idea how much better a new one would be. It is heavier which already makes it fab cos' the other one never did sit straight- if you look carefully at the pic you'll see one side is more burnt than the rest haha.

Sounds silly but frying eggs was like so much fun, cos' it was super smooth and easy to flip! What a difference! Looking forward to trying it with pancakes. The ultimate test.

9. My friend L makes awesome biscotti! She dropped some off at my front door. A cool surprise.

Not the best pic but this one is strawberry and yoghurt biscotti and it tastes brilliant! I was gobbling it up.

10. Still on baking, my friend KP also made us a big box of chocolate and oat cookies (thankfully not all on the same day haha), but I didn't get a pic of them. Tasted good!

Thanks everyone. God has been sustaining us and caring for us through others.

Dear Baby N: A letter to you...

Last week was the due date of our baby we miscarried last year. Here is a note I wrote to him (or her):

Dear Baby N,

This past week would've been the week you were due to be born.

It is hard for your dad and I to know how to remember you, as we have very few memories to hang on to.

What will remain special to us will be the fact that we saw you grow in my tummy from 7-weeks to 8-weeks, and from 8-weeks to 9-weeks. We saw this on the ultrasound each of those three weeks, and we saw your growth in size, as well as your strong and vivid hearbeat. We were so excited and so full of hope!

(I know it is not exactly related to what the psalmist is saying, but because it talks about the heart, this verse has been significant to me,

...He who forms the hearts of all,
who considers everything they do...
Psalm 33:15

as it reminds me that you were created by God and are precious to Him. )

What happened after that 9-week mark, we're not sure and probably won't know. I guess there was just something that wasn't going well that we didn't pick up and I know, as you were still so tiny, we could not have done anything about it anyway.

I'm sorry that the events that followed colour my memory of you- when I started to spot, and got worried, and what eventuated at the hospital. I wish I could rub those mostly-difficult memories out but I know the best thing is to engage with both ends of the spectrum, however they come.

When we found out we were having you, your dad and I went out for a special meal and also shared the news with some friends and family. You also travelled with me to Singapore and even though you were a delicate little baby bud from the start, we had fun.

Later on it was his turn to travel (to the States) and then he had to come back early when we found out you were no longer with us. It was so hard. It is impossible to describe the devastation we felt when we lost you at 12-weeks.

I'm sorry that sometimes I wonder if you were imaginary and that I had dreamt you up. However, I know you were real, so much so that even our doctor was confident that we would meet you here and around this time.

We were hoping to find out if you were a girl or a boy, but that didn't happen and it will remain a mystery. As will your personality and what you look like. These are things I will be longing to find out.

Regardless of what happened, your dad and I will continue to celebrate you and are thankful that we even got pregnant with you in the first place, as that was a miracle in itself and we praise God for that.

I'm not exactly sure what it will be like when I meet you one day, as I still don't know how to comprehend heaven, but we look forward to that time coming soon. (And I know there are friends and family who are looking forward to knowing you too.)

I miss you. I wish you were here.

with love,
your mom,
s

p.s. This figurine in the corner of the pic below was a gift given to us by sweet friends. We look at it often and it is a precious reminder of you.