A Piece of Cake- not

Birthdays- not quite as easy as they were!

It is Birthday Week. I'm trying to celebrate it in small and different ways the best I can.

Some of you will laugh (or maybe be kinda annoyed I'm saying this) because I'm really only turning 28, so there's little to worry about- I'm still young blah blah blah. And I've never been one to really care about my age- in fact there have been times that I've even forgotten whether I was 25 or 26 or 27... It has never really mattered much to me. But this year it is actually bugging me a tad. Just a tad.

I can hear the tick-tock. I have become Captain Hook. Obsessed about the clock in the croc.

It is not about the number. I know it is not actually about the number, even though that's what's visually hanging out in my head and the math I keep doing back and forth.

It is the same-old-same-old. It is about the not knowing. It is about the looming, "God, what are you doing?" questions. I may be 'young' but no one actually knows what the future brings, it doesn't guarantee fertility and kids. If I've got issues now, I've got issues now, it doesn't just go away after a certain time of gaining a qualifications in classes like Infertility 101, Quick Responses to Awkward Questions 210 and Pelvic Examination Techniques 350.

(Though wouldn't that be fab?)

Anyway. I guess it is just ANOTHER thing that I was naive about previous to this infertility journey- and we know that list is looong.

So I'm trying my best to make the most of my Celebration Week and think of different things to do that are fun, instead of being afraid of it. (It is true- the word is actually 'afraid'.)

Funnily enough, they mostly revolve around food. (And great people of course!) Here is my list:

1. On Tuesday, I baked hefty chocolate chip cookies with extra hunks of dark chocolate in them. For me for me! (Usually I make them more for the husband.) It was good.

2. Thursday, tonight, I'm meeting a friend for bubble tea, which I love.

3. On Friday I'm having one of my favourites,Vietnamese for dinner and a little dessert night with closer friends. (One of my best friends shares the same birthday! Yay!)

4. On Saturday, the husband and I are gonna have breakfast together.

5. Last year I made a birthday t-shirt by buying a top and adding a small '27' on it in diamantes (I think this was the quiet start to when I knew I needed to start overcoming my age-issues haha)... so maybe this year I should do another similar thing with '28'. This could be my own little tradition/joke/thing. I love shopping so that would be a good excuse to shop. haha!

6. Maybe I will treat myself to a new CD too. hmmm.

7. Have actually also pre-celebrated with the husband over the Easter weekend. Was spoiled. I'm super thankful for that.

That's my list for now. Any more suggestions?

tick tock. haha.

TIME part 1- Waiting

With infertility, one of the things that changes is your perspective on time. For one, your perspective of time in terms of waiting. It is not simply waiting, it is also waiting for what possibly may never come or what may be continually disappointing (kinda like the buses in Auckland haha). Obviously it is not the healthiest thing to be simply obsessed with waiting for a child, but this is also the reality of desiring one and hoping to have kids, and depending on where you're at in your stage of infertility, our perspectives are going to differ.
(There's a poem about waiting- here.)

Anyway, what I was thinking about writing today was the whole idea of distractions and what to do with ourselves NOW so we are not simply focused on 'waiting' in itself.

Hold on. I want to emphasise that it is not my intention to say that we should be all about waiting to get pregnant and pop a baby out. I understand that at the moment I do have a 'goal' to be a mother, but I'm learning it is not for me to 'achieve' or decide. I do believe we can grow to have a bigger-picture perspective than that- and that God intends for more to life than that. All I'm saying is for those of us who are maybe still in the midst of treatment, in between cycles, waiting to see doctors or waiting to make concrete decisions on all these varied issues, I've been trying to figure out how to still live a meaningful and exciting life (haha), despite the 'waiting'.

I say this because practically, the way we look at our months and years are different for now. You know when you're on the infertility/fertility journey when you don't think of weeks and months in terms of normal calendar-type increments, instead you think like this:
- 10 days- roughly at least 10 days between ovulation and when you could be fertile
- 2 weeks- roughly 2 weeks from when you ovulate to when you can find out about pregnancy results
- 4-6-8 weeks- depending on what you're doing, could be 4-6 or 8 weeks for a cycle
- 3 months- if we do get pregnant, this is how long I need to 'set aside' and keep it on the down-low both for medical reasons and before we want to share about it publicly... etc.

and I could list a ton more of these which are more infertility-related like:
- how long till the fertility clinic office hours start?
- how long till the next chat with the nurse?
- how long till the next injection?
- how long it takes provera to work?
- how long it takes climophene to work?
- how long it takes till the next blood test?
- how long till the next appointment with the doctor?
- how long till the next dreaded scan?
- how long will we can start a new cycle?
- how long should we 'break' or rest from treatment?

I'm sure you could come up with some of your own too. Which then impacts the way we plan or schedule our lives- basically you kinda can't. So it becomes this sorta bizarre thing of waiting, but trying not to, but ending up having to anyway. Frustrating, anyone? sigh...