Coping Strategies

(Staying afloat!)

When I was doing our last round of fertility, I made myself list things I could still look forward to even if the round didn't 'work'. As I've gone on in this journey of treatment cycles, I've learnt to sort of plan ahead for both good news and bad. (This may sound like I don't have enough 'hope', but trust me... the impact of the disappointment I have had reflects the amount of hope I held for each round. Planning for life beyond that is brutal but was something I needed to do.)

When Round 8 ended in loss, I looked at that list that was supposed to help me 'carry-on' with so much distaste. I just felt inconsolable, probably like any other grieving person initially. After all, those of you in similar shoes know that there is VERY little that can measure up to getting pregnant, having a healthy pregnancy and having a child. (I have to admit that stating those three things seem like an impossibility to me now.)

But this last week or so, I'm glad I had that list. Yes they may be so different, in light of what I'd really really really like to be doing, but they are still things that are significant and I'm thankful to be able to do, or at least attempt to do them. Here they are:
- run the Auckland Half Marathon (um... if my knee lets me)
- do a Pilates Instructor course (it is this weekend!)
- continue pursuing the process of education and application towards possibly adopting (cos' if I was pregnant they make you pause this process)- very excited!
- start a local infertility support group via church (or a network of some kind at least!)- this has been something I've been wanting to do for ages! Anyone keen? Let me know.

None of these take the pain away but I'm stoked that I have these things as challenges to keep my heart and mind occupied in a positive way.

On another note, I survived buying new-born diapers for two friends who've each had their gorgeous babies born this past week. Go them! (And go me!) I heaved the two massive boxes of diapers (gifts for them) on top of my usual groceries, and to be honest, I felt like such a faker... cos' then I continued down the aisle past the REAL mothers who were picking what jars of baby food to get for their babies. Thankfully the aisles are not that long and I reached the frozen foods without running over anyone.

Which is easier? Shopping for baby clothes or buying baby diapers? I'm not that sure. (Don't get me wrong. I love getting gifts, but some days I'm just also thankful for the invention of shopping online, vouchers and gift cards!)

Anyway. I'm coping okay. Hope you are too.

Not To Plan

I'm not great with surprises. (Unless it is presents or a briefcase of money...) Spontaneous people probably thing I'm such a party pooper. I will plan your surprise party though! And I won't forget the ice.

I like knowing what I'm up for. WARN ME should be written all over my forehead.

So at every jerk and turn of this journey I've struggled with the unexpected. Over and over... things keep popping up and I never get used to it. I guess spontaneous or not, no one really gets used to the tricky things that come your way in something so intense like struggling to have kids.

I do try to plan for different outcomes and prepare myself. I also know to try and lower my highest-of-high expectations but it is hard. When the news comes and bombs on you, it shakes all your clever preparation out of your hand! I go into a cloudy shock-zone and it takes me a while to be nudged out of it.

So anyway. We're in the midst of a little twist in our Round 8 try. Let's just say I'm gonna have a new 'experience' to add to my infertilty resume. Not good or bad, just a tad more invasive that I'd hoped for this round.

Many others have been here before so it is a little wimpy to be so nervy. But I guess at the core of it I also still struggle to not be mad. Mad that this is so hard. Mad that it can't be simple. Mad that we are here again in this ambiguous place. Jealous of others too. So I think maybe often my resistance is also a stubbornness thing. I want it done my way. MY WAY.

I should be excited...

It is still a shot at getting pregnant so I need to lean on hope. All is not over. It is also still funded so I need to remember that this is more of an opportunity than many others are getting out there.

If you are of the praying kind, please pray for us today- and um... forever. I'm nervous and scared, today's thing is a new one, but I know it is all in God's timing and there is little I can do besides go with the plan and see what happens.

Thanks for coming along.

TIME part 1- Waiting

With infertility, one of the things that changes is your perspective on time. For one, your perspective of time in terms of waiting. It is not simply waiting, it is also waiting for what possibly may never come or what may be continually disappointing (kinda like the buses in Auckland haha). Obviously it is not the healthiest thing to be simply obsessed with waiting for a child, but this is also the reality of desiring one and hoping to have kids, and depending on where you're at in your stage of infertility, our perspectives are going to differ.
(There's a poem about waiting- here.)

Anyway, what I was thinking about writing today was the whole idea of distractions and what to do with ourselves NOW so we are not simply focused on 'waiting' in itself.

Hold on. I want to emphasise that it is not my intention to say that we should be all about waiting to get pregnant and pop a baby out. I understand that at the moment I do have a 'goal' to be a mother, but I'm learning it is not for me to 'achieve' or decide. I do believe we can grow to have a bigger-picture perspective than that- and that God intends for more to life than that. All I'm saying is for those of us who are maybe still in the midst of treatment, in between cycles, waiting to see doctors or waiting to make concrete decisions on all these varied issues, I've been trying to figure out how to still live a meaningful and exciting life (haha), despite the 'waiting'.

I say this because practically, the way we look at our months and years are different for now. You know when you're on the infertility/fertility journey when you don't think of weeks and months in terms of normal calendar-type increments, instead you think like this:
- 10 days- roughly at least 10 days between ovulation and when you could be fertile
- 2 weeks- roughly 2 weeks from when you ovulate to when you can find out about pregnancy results
- 4-6-8 weeks- depending on what you're doing, could be 4-6 or 8 weeks for a cycle
- 3 months- if we do get pregnant, this is how long I need to 'set aside' and keep it on the down-low both for medical reasons and before we want to share about it publicly... etc.

and I could list a ton more of these which are more infertility-related like:
- how long till the fertility clinic office hours start?
- how long till the next chat with the nurse?
- how long till the next injection?
- how long it takes provera to work?
- how long it takes climophene to work?
- how long it takes till the next blood test?
- how long till the next appointment with the doctor?
- how long till the next dreaded scan?
- how long will we can start a new cycle?
- how long should we 'break' or rest from treatment?

I'm sure you could come up with some of your own too. Which then impacts the way we plan or schedule our lives- basically you kinda can't. So it becomes this sorta bizarre thing of waiting, but trying not to, but ending up having to anyway. Frustrating, anyone? sigh...