Hold Your Pink Horses People...

He's a HE!

All looks good and healthy as far as we can see from the scan. It was very amazing. We are super thankful and praising God!

AHHHHHHHH!

Interesting...

(Took these photos this morning... been stormy around here but nice to spot some signs of spring! These are flowers of our nectarine tree...)

(See the little buds!)

This past weekend, including Friday, I attended a 3-day course and it was really good- just got really physically tired by the end of it. Out of just nine women there, there was one who was pregnant (of course!) and at first I didn't notice, so it caught me a bit by surprise (surprise #1).

However later on when we were all chatting, she openly mentioned that the baby she was expecting was an egg-donor baby (surprise #2)! That was the first time I'd ever met someone who'd gone down that route.

For her, the major reason was her age- she is 48 (surprise #3)! (She looks like she's 40.) And even though she's had two kid previously, her husband felt very strongly about having another child and that's why they are...

They even spent a fortune and went all the way to the U.S. to get the egg-donor (surprise #4)! Crazy huh...

Now I am not here to unpack all the ethical and moral issues with having a child when you are older and also having an egg-donor, I know there's a lot that could be discussed, but it was definitely interesting.

I think I'm noticing that infertility has made me a lot less quick to judge about this kind of situation. The 'pre-IF' me would be more immediately critical about it and yet now I've learnt that there is a lot to this desire to have children and it is hard to know when to keep trying and when to stop. Also, as I'm a Christian, there is a certain framework from which I may make decisions about these things, but for others, it is not quite so distinct.

Anyway. Not quite sure if this makes sense and why I brought that up but it was quite fascinating for me...

Maybe despite the complicated issue that it is, it simply just represented hope for those still waiting? (Even though I'm definitely not considering trying at 48!)

Not To Plan

I'm not great with surprises. (Unless it is presents or a briefcase of money...) Spontaneous people probably thing I'm such a party pooper. I will plan your surprise party though! And I won't forget the ice.

I like knowing what I'm up for. WARN ME should be written all over my forehead.

So at every jerk and turn of this journey I've struggled with the unexpected. Over and over... things keep popping up and I never get used to it. I guess spontaneous or not, no one really gets used to the tricky things that come your way in something so intense like struggling to have kids.

I do try to plan for different outcomes and prepare myself. I also know to try and lower my highest-of-high expectations but it is hard. When the news comes and bombs on you, it shakes all your clever preparation out of your hand! I go into a cloudy shock-zone and it takes me a while to be nudged out of it.

So anyway. We're in the midst of a little twist in our Round 8 try. Let's just say I'm gonna have a new 'experience' to add to my infertilty resume. Not good or bad, just a tad more invasive that I'd hoped for this round.

Many others have been here before so it is a little wimpy to be so nervy. But I guess at the core of it I also still struggle to not be mad. Mad that this is so hard. Mad that it can't be simple. Mad that we are here again in this ambiguous place. Jealous of others too. So I think maybe often my resistance is also a stubbornness thing. I want it done my way. MY WAY.

I should be excited...

It is still a shot at getting pregnant so I need to lean on hope. All is not over. It is also still funded so I need to remember that this is more of an opportunity than many others are getting out there.

If you are of the praying kind, please pray for us today- and um... forever. I'm nervous and scared, today's thing is a new one, but I know it is all in God's timing and there is little I can do besides go with the plan and see what happens.

Thanks for coming along.

stop.start.stop.start

It feels like life is constantly being 'disrupted' by something else. Like a tracking dog, you think you're on a great scent trail, then you're interrupted by some other whiff, and you're being sent off on another one.

I'm not great with surprises so this has definitely been an area of growth- though I don't know if I'm getting any better at this.

When you set aside 5-6 weeks mentally/emotionally (and maybe socially) to do a fertility cycle of treatment, the illustration of being on the rollercoaster is never clearer. The drugs work. The drugs don't work. Maybe now? Yes. Blood test. No. Maybe now? No. Blood test. Maybe. Increase dosage? Yes. Wait. Working? Maybe. Blood test says yes. Any follicles? Yes. Big enough? No. Blood test. Not yet. Scan. Maybe... now? What about... now? Scan. Did ovulate? Blood test. Yes. Pregnant? Maybe we're good. Should be but wait. Wait. One week. I feel this way. No I feel that way. Maybe now? Two weeks. Blood test.  Oh no. Hmmm. Gutted.

Start Again.

Lord! Remind me who you are.

Like some kind of crazy marathon version of Snakes 'N' Ladders!

The other day I had another confusing taste of this bizarre world of unexpected things. I was scheduled for a minor surgery. We had both cleared our schedules and friends at work were so kindly covering for us. We had alerted close friends and family just to let them know.

I got my pre-op prepping. Got into the gown. Did not have anything to eat or drink for over 12 hours (quite a feat). Cleared the system. Had the scary disposable undies on hand to change into at the last minute, plus gorgeous blue hairnet.

But then they were running late... and the surgeon came in (I thought this was my briefing with her but... ) to tell me apologetically that she had to postpone my surgery! There were other uncontrollable and major reasons for it that made a lot of sense. I get it. But... hold on. What??

There's nothing I can do. I got back into my own clothes and we walked out of the hospital!

(In the meantime the husband got a parking ticket for staying in his space too long- he waited with me and had forgotten about the time limit! Oh no.)

It was a confusing day. All the prayers that my wonderful friends and family have said for me are possibly on pause or maybe God has recorded them on His MySky to be replayed in a few days time.

(I know it is not my fault but I feel kind of embarassed! Thankfully we have been able to reschedule it and it will happen in the next few days.)

I realise over and over how 'control' is so important to me- subconsciously. I want to have a say in what happens- though I'm not always aware of it. They say it is your decision how you want to live your life and how you want to deal with things. I understand and I agree- I'm working on it, I promise. However, sometimes, however much you decide to be adaptable or flexible or respond well, the rug still gets pulled under you. And it hurts. I'm not sure if I am getting any used to it or am any better at falling!