A Day to Remember

Today is the 22nd of February, a day of varied emotions! Our work/ministry celebrates its second birthday, but we also commemorate the first anniversary of a major earthquake that took place in Christchurch and caused many lives to be lost.

At the same time I praise God that a friend who has suffered many baby losses has had some crazy good news, and feel sad for another friend who is riding the difficult rollercoaster of infertility...

Life is so full of mixed emotions and experiences. Loss and life, hope and disappointment. Yet it feels odd that I still did the laundry today, cooked a meal, went to the mall, and am here typing in my safe home. Daily life still has to go on. How does that work?

What To Do

It seems silly to be writing a blog post when there are people in Christchurch waiting to be rescued after the earthquake. It has barely been twenty-four hours and yet so much has happened! I think many of us in Auckland feel helpless as there's nothing we can do except sit, watch and pray.

I feel like infertility and loss has taught me again and again that you can live life in 'two dimensions' (or levels?). Like you live the everyday and try your best with your daily activities where you move and and keep going in hope, but your inner life can be filled with much commotion like painful waiting or grief that you don't/can't wear on the outside.

I think this is what it is like in a disaster situation too... you are trying to get on with life or be pro-active in doing something, but your insides (heart, mind, etc.) is swarming with questions and emotion.

The hard part is sometimes the two seem to be in contrast, like me typing at my computer in my safe little Auckland-bubble, while thinking and praying for others who are in absolute danger or looking for missing family.

So..  transitioning to my small world, I was thinking to write a quick update. I've made it to 21 weeks! I'm past halfway. The husband managed to feel movements for the first time the other day too. That was very exciting and emotional for me! Thankful!

It has been neat for me to share about this pregnancy with others. In doing so I've learnt more about the journeys of other people I've come across. Just in the past few weeks three people I've spoken to have revealed that they also had trouble conceiving at some point- one had secondary infertility and the other two also went through a time of primary infertility.

What's interesting is that if I didn't share about our difficulties, they probably wouldn't have either! It is definitely extra cool sharing with people who understand how huge this is to us.

Lastly, Esther wrote this post today that was vulnerable and food-for-thought, whether we are dealing with IF or in other tricky situations. Thought it was definitely one for sharing.

Hope you are ok out there? Thanks for reading!

Christmas Day

Merry Christmas everyone!

(nativity set from my in-laws. first christmas that i get to display them! fun times.)

How are you doing?

I know today is a day of celebrating and enjoying time with friends and family. For us we pretty much received our gift and Christmas miracle early- our pregnancy. (um... Read previous post if you missed that.) Who knew? I still can't help but say it all seems so crazy. However I have also been thinking of those in the midst of a heart-breaking time.

I have two special friends who have gone through miscarriages this week. Each of them are very dear to me and it is heart-breaking to know they are grieving for their little child, especially right in this season of what should be joy and hope. Even though I can relate, I want so much to comfort them but words still escape me.

I also acknowledge a friend who misses her mother who has passed, and another friend who is going through a marriage separation.

These are all paths they also never imagined they'd be on. At times like Christmas, as much as it is a wonderful time, I'm sure you IF-ers know too, the realities of life can be so hard to avoid- yet another Christmas tree with no presents under it to buy for the child you imagine you'd have by now.

'I'm praying for you' is what I say, but it can seem so empty or overused when the depth of the pain appears so bottomless...

Oh Lord I continue to be thankful and overwhelmed by the infinite nature of your grace and mercy. The birth of Christ signifies the hope and life you bring. Yet I'm sure You also knew the double-edged-ness on the day of His birth, as it would mean His death and sacrifice for all of ours. (I think there is a song about this or maybe many songs but I can't remember it right now.)

You probably also had great joy and great sorrow as Jesus was welcomed to this broken world- knowing what was to come. I pray for comfort for these dear friends Lord. It can only come from You. All the words and gifts we may bring are useless and ultimately empty without You involved.

There are also so many questions we bring Lord. Could you have made it less painful? Better timing? Saved it for when we were prepared? How long more?

Anyway. We bring you these messed-up things and we know there is no other way but to let you handle them.

I know. Sorta heavy. But that's just what's on my mind. Hmmm...

It is actually already the end of Christmas day here. I had a lovely day (pancakes, presents, Skype, family, friends, etc. ) with special family here and I hope the same has been/will be for you too.

(this is what my living room is looking like...)

Goodnight!

Baby Boom

Kids and babies are everywhere! Hiding in all the nooks and crannies. I'm sure there are more when you are struggling to have your own. How do you cope?

(Some of my friends' kids are kinda like my nieces and nephews because my real ones are so far away! They are in the U.S. and in Canada. Sucks!)

I love hanging out with the children around me but it is not always easy. How can something be so awesome and so painful at the same time?

Last week I held a sweet three month old baby! She is a daughter of a close friend, I've seen her before and I kinda didn't think twice about it, but suddenly when she was in my arms... it was hard.

All the thoughts came rushing to me. She is a month older than Baby N would be. She is beautiful. I couldn't help but wonder about what N would've been like...

I realised later that it has been a long time since I held a little baby so that was probably why too. I wasn't prepared.

This past weekend, I also decided to attend a baby dedication of another good friend. I know I didn't have to, and I usually recommend others to do whatever's comfortable for them (and I have to admit I usually lean to the side of 'don't go if it is too difficult').

We go to the same church, so it was a tricky one. Plus I'd already missed their celebration for his first birthday so I felt like I needed to be there. To go or not to go... there's just no right or wrong answers for it, but there is pressure from within myself and fear of what others might think of me.

Oh that fear is so strong within me- what will they think if I'm not there, what kind of friend am I, what if other people notice, what if I cry, etc.

Anyway, this one I was prepared for. Maybe my motivation wasn't top-of-the-pops great, but oh well. I still cried my way through the worship stuff which is pretty typical- so I think it actually was just as hard as any other church service I go to- but I did get to witness friends commit their parenthood and child to God.

Yesterday we visited a friend and ex-colleague whose daugher is over one and a half years old. I remember her specifically because her due date was a few weeks earlier than mine would've been with Baby B, our first baby we got pregnant with but lost in 2008. It was cool to see her now- so big. She's another gorgeous kid!

Obviously there are many children around who are about one and a half, not just her, and I don't freak out every time I see one, but I think I do stare at them a little extra hard. (Sorry... not meant to be weird. Just what I do.)

There's also a baby shower coming up that I'd like to be at, but also know it will be hard. So... we'll see. I wish I could just 'not think about it' but it is easier said than done!

Sometimes I think I'm getting better at this but I really don't know. Randomly (not always...) the pain inside is so acute, it feels like a bloated balloon that is about to burst.

Anyway. I'm thankful for God's sustenance and faithfulness amidst this chaos inside. How else would I be doing this? He has provided me with friends who show me much understanding and grace.

Bit of a blabby post today huh folks... hope you are enjoying your Friday evening... thanks for sticking with me!

Mixed May

I might try and sneak a couple of posts into before the end of the month- which means today! haha. I think of so many things to say and write here, but takes me time to spit it out. Very typical really, I'm like this even in conversation.

We're like in the middle of the year almost! Scary.

May has been a mixed month for us. Lots of wonderful things and also hard things.

Great things:

• 8th 'Dating' Anniversary for the husband and I- I got flowers on that day! woopwoop.
• Birthday celebrations (like six?) of special friends and family (I love buying presents!)- fun times
• Birth of a good friend's baby- a super cute little girl
• Meaningful chats with a lovely friend
• Had my surgery done and seems like all went well
• Pregnancy announcements from a few friends
• Mother's Day
• Going into winter- getting out my boots!
• Survived six months of waiting (in terms of 'not trying')

Hard things:

• Surgery bill- mostly covered by insurance, thankfully, but still a bit to cover on our end. hmmm...
• Pregnancy announcements from a few friends
• Mother's Day
• Going into winter... cold!
• Due date of our baby we lost in November

It has been interesting for me to think through some of these things that exist in both the wonderful and difficult categories. Life is curious like that. Thank you for walking it with me.

(Off to work!)