Almost a Year Old

Toby is almost one- just two weeks to go!

We fly tomorrow to Canada and the U.S. for 3.5 weeks. I'm nervous and excited at the same time.

Life has been busybusy... but as I walk around my house filled with random containers (good toys), non-sticky stickers and bits of cardboard boxes (good toys too)...  I realise I am living my dream. I have a son. He is getting big fast.

About a month ago was Mother's Day and I got a nice breakfast in bed. And a couple weeks ago we dedicated Toby at church. Our pastor made it very personal for us and it was special. Both were days I kinda half-wanted-half-dreaded but they were very sweet.

Interestingly we dedicated Toby on the due date of one of our previous babies. We didn't realise it till after it was planned! I think God does weird things like that. Maybe just to remind me He knows. He knows and remembers.

And truth is since Toby was born, I've thought about the 'next' child. I try not to too much but I also can't help it! Thankfully I'm not too obsessed with it right now. I want to enjoy Toby and I am!

People ask about having a 'second' and I still never quite know what to say. I don't know if I'm fertile. I'd love another but we all know it is not that straightforward. In my head I have a deadline. I'm thinking we will see the specialists when we hit that deadline- I think.

Anyway. Life is good. We are thankful we are able to go on this big trip to see family and friends as well as some ministry supporters. I hope Toby will behave on the long plane rides. Without shame, I have armed myself with drowsy meds for him if we need it. I'll let you know how it goes.

Toby will turn one while we are in Canada which will be super special. I'm thinking through what sort of celebration to have when we come home and have a little party for our friends and family here. I am terrible because I love ideas but I get overwhelmed with all the details. Grrrr.

Well, back to the packing I go...

Here are some photos.

 (Toby with his cardboard car. Looking a tad homeless with the socks falling off...)

 (We went to the zoo as a little family and advance-birthday activity.)

 (Us at the zoo.)

 (Nap-face. Awesome overalls from Ch!)

(What? There's a Toby in there too?- Us at the mall playground. Can't believe he's old enough to like it. Ahhhh!)

 

 (Monkey and monkey.)

 (Overdosing on blueberries, after having kiwifruit... hehe)

 (Prepping the bath by loading it up with bath toys.)

Five In One

Okay so the problem with not keeping up with blogging is that there starts to be so many things to say! Today I'm going to list- just to 5.

(this star has 5-points too. i know. deep.)

Stick with me people, there's some exciting stuff to be shared! Warning: lots of links so be prepared to right-click and 'open in new tab' (hopefully haha), lots of things relating to Christmas. (If you don't have the stamina for this list today, at least read point 1!)


1. CELEBRATION TIME! Grace and her husband at Chois-R-Us who are adopting have finally finally gotten their call to go to Korea.

She has been waiting for her son to come home for so long. Many of us have been waiting with her. She is a fabulous blogger and never fails to make me laugh. I'm just so stoked for her and her husband that their journey to bringing their dear boy home is at a final stage. Praying that things continue smoothly from here on and there are no hiccups. Woopwoop!

2. SHOPPING IDEA. Online shopping can be so good. Through Grace, I found this blog by Kelly- Life with Briar. They have also adopted and this blog is about life with their daughter. What's also fun is that Kelly makes crochet hats, clips and other fun accessories! Her Etsy shop is called BriarClaire (and I've already bought a couple things for my nieces overseas hehe).

3. CHRISTMAS. Christmas trees are going up all around us! Have you done yours? For the first few years of marriage, the husband and I delayed getting a Christmas tree because we (like many other couples) thought to wait until we had kids.

About a year into our infertility journey, we realised we could be waiting for a long time... so we decided to 'stuff it' and get a tree. I love that we made that decision to start enjoying what Christmas is about (like not simply about children) and creating our own traditions with or without kids. It was actually also good for us because it reminded us that we are a whole and complete family unit even as two.

4. IF AND CHRISTMAS. For those dealing with infertility or loss, Christmas is a hard time because there are so many reminders of things we are waiting for or miss. What are some aspects you struggle with? How are you coping? What are some ways you've found that help?

I don't have any great thoughts right at this moment but I'd love to come up with a 'guide' so if you have any ideas let me know.

Here are a few links that have caught my attention:

• Stirrup Queens wrote a post a week ago, 'Fire and Ice', thinking through whether to go to possibly-difficult baby-related events or not... not totally related to Christmas but sorta is... and is interesting.

• She's also got this popular older post that is a Holiday Survival Guide for IF-types that is pretty funny in parts.

• My recent favourite The Nester writes this post about doing less and enjoying more this season- not related to infertility or baby loss but something to think about for those like me who can tend to make life more complicated than necessary sometimes! 

• (She also has awesome ideas for wreaths and other 'crafts' if you like that sorta stuff. See the bottom of this post.)

• Beckie's Infertility Diaries posts about how it is so easy to think other people have had an easier time when maybe they didn't. TOTALLY.  Overly beautiful pregnant women, sweet happy families with tons of kids, perky parents of newborns, um... yup I'm horrible I know I know. But how many times have I walked past with so much seething envy? ALL based on assumptions that it was a smooth ride for them, when I have no idea. This, unlike me sigh, is a sweet post. 

5. BODY STUFF. On quite a different note, after a Christmas meal or not, I often struggle with dealing with how I look, and weight issues, my imperfections in general etc.

I waste a lot of precious energy concerned about this stuff and am continually having to go to God about this. I've come a long way but this has been a life-long thing for me- and probably will be.

This post, 'The Scale', at (in)courage is a good reminder, as when we let our minds get too preoccupied with 'fat or not fat', 'heavy or too heavy', 'eat this or not', not just are we doing damage to ourselves but also to others who see us as an example- daughters, friends, those we mentor, other women around us etc. 

This topic really gets me going so I can go on about it for a while, haha, but I will leave it for another day! 

So that's me for now. Hopefully not too long until the next post.

Baby Boom

Kids and babies are everywhere! Hiding in all the nooks and crannies. I'm sure there are more when you are struggling to have your own. How do you cope?

(Some of my friends' kids are kinda like my nieces and nephews because my real ones are so far away! They are in the U.S. and in Canada. Sucks!)

I love hanging out with the children around me but it is not always easy. How can something be so awesome and so painful at the same time?

Last week I held a sweet three month old baby! She is a daughter of a close friend, I've seen her before and I kinda didn't think twice about it, but suddenly when she was in my arms... it was hard.

All the thoughts came rushing to me. She is a month older than Baby N would be. She is beautiful. I couldn't help but wonder about what N would've been like...

I realised later that it has been a long time since I held a little baby so that was probably why too. I wasn't prepared.

This past weekend, I also decided to attend a baby dedication of another good friend. I know I didn't have to, and I usually recommend others to do whatever's comfortable for them (and I have to admit I usually lean to the side of 'don't go if it is too difficult').

We go to the same church, so it was a tricky one. Plus I'd already missed their celebration for his first birthday so I felt like I needed to be there. To go or not to go... there's just no right or wrong answers for it, but there is pressure from within myself and fear of what others might think of me.

Oh that fear is so strong within me- what will they think if I'm not there, what kind of friend am I, what if other people notice, what if I cry, etc.

Anyway, this one I was prepared for. Maybe my motivation wasn't top-of-the-pops great, but oh well. I still cried my way through the worship stuff which is pretty typical- so I think it actually was just as hard as any other church service I go to- but I did get to witness friends commit their parenthood and child to God.

Yesterday we visited a friend and ex-colleague whose daugher is over one and a half years old. I remember her specifically because her due date was a few weeks earlier than mine would've been with Baby B, our first baby we got pregnant with but lost in 2008. It was cool to see her now- so big. She's another gorgeous kid!

Obviously there are many children around who are about one and a half, not just her, and I don't freak out every time I see one, but I think I do stare at them a little extra hard. (Sorry... not meant to be weird. Just what I do.)

There's also a baby shower coming up that I'd like to be at, but also know it will be hard. So... we'll see. I wish I could just 'not think about it' but it is easier said than done!

Sometimes I think I'm getting better at this but I really don't know. Randomly (not always...) the pain inside is so acute, it feels like a bloated balloon that is about to burst.

Anyway. I'm thankful for God's sustenance and faithfulness amidst this chaos inside. How else would I be doing this? He has provided me with friends who show me much understanding and grace.

Bit of a blabby post today huh folks... hope you are enjoying your Friday evening... thanks for sticking with me!