Five In One

Okay so the problem with not keeping up with blogging is that there starts to be so many things to say! Today I'm going to list- just to 5.

(this star has 5-points too. i know. deep.)

Stick with me people, there's some exciting stuff to be shared! Warning: lots of links so be prepared to right-click and 'open in new tab' (hopefully haha), lots of things relating to Christmas. (If you don't have the stamina for this list today, at least read point 1!)


1. CELEBRATION TIME! Grace and her husband at Chois-R-Us who are adopting have finally finally gotten their call to go to Korea.

She has been waiting for her son to come home for so long. Many of us have been waiting with her. She is a fabulous blogger and never fails to make me laugh. I'm just so stoked for her and her husband that their journey to bringing their dear boy home is at a final stage. Praying that things continue smoothly from here on and there are no hiccups. Woopwoop!

2. SHOPPING IDEA. Online shopping can be so good. Through Grace, I found this blog by Kelly- Life with Briar. They have also adopted and this blog is about life with their daughter. What's also fun is that Kelly makes crochet hats, clips and other fun accessories! Her Etsy shop is called BriarClaire (and I've already bought a couple things for my nieces overseas hehe).

3. CHRISTMAS. Christmas trees are going up all around us! Have you done yours? For the first few years of marriage, the husband and I delayed getting a Christmas tree because we (like many other couples) thought to wait until we had kids.

About a year into our infertility journey, we realised we could be waiting for a long time... so we decided to 'stuff it' and get a tree. I love that we made that decision to start enjoying what Christmas is about (like not simply about children) and creating our own traditions with or without kids. It was actually also good for us because it reminded us that we are a whole and complete family unit even as two.

4. IF AND CHRISTMAS. For those dealing with infertility or loss, Christmas is a hard time because there are so many reminders of things we are waiting for or miss. What are some aspects you struggle with? How are you coping? What are some ways you've found that help?

I don't have any great thoughts right at this moment but I'd love to come up with a 'guide' so if you have any ideas let me know.

Here are a few links that have caught my attention:

• Stirrup Queens wrote a post a week ago, 'Fire and Ice', thinking through whether to go to possibly-difficult baby-related events or not... not totally related to Christmas but sorta is... and is interesting.

• She's also got this popular older post that is a Holiday Survival Guide for IF-types that is pretty funny in parts.

• My recent favourite The Nester writes this post about doing less and enjoying more this season- not related to infertility or baby loss but something to think about for those like me who can tend to make life more complicated than necessary sometimes! 

• (She also has awesome ideas for wreaths and other 'crafts' if you like that sorta stuff. See the bottom of this post.)

• Beckie's Infertility Diaries posts about how it is so easy to think other people have had an easier time when maybe they didn't. TOTALLY.  Overly beautiful pregnant women, sweet happy families with tons of kids, perky parents of newborns, um... yup I'm horrible I know I know. But how many times have I walked past with so much seething envy? ALL based on assumptions that it was a smooth ride for them, when I have no idea. This, unlike me sigh, is a sweet post. 

5. BODY STUFF. On quite a different note, after a Christmas meal or not, I often struggle with dealing with how I look, and weight issues, my imperfections in general etc.

I waste a lot of precious energy concerned about this stuff and am continually having to go to God about this. I've come a long way but this has been a life-long thing for me- and probably will be.

This post, 'The Scale', at (in)courage is a good reminder, as when we let our minds get too preoccupied with 'fat or not fat', 'heavy or too heavy', 'eat this or not', not just are we doing damage to ourselves but also to others who see us as an example- daughters, friends, those we mentor, other women around us etc. 

This topic really gets me going so I can go on about it for a while, haha, but I will leave it for another day! 

So that's me for now. Hopefully not too long until the next post.

Facebook... sigh...

I found this news article about those going though infertility and handling Facebook pregnancy announcements at Untangle Me.

Totally. I do like using Facebook to keep in touch with friends but I've hidden one or two people because I can't handle their comments on their ongoing pregnancy. I like them and I'm happy for them but it is too hard to have dangling in front of you whenever you open Facebook.

Yet do you find yourself clicking through all their photos during pregnancy and even after the birth? Oh gosh yes. I guess I'm so intrigued and so fascinated by what I cannot have or my body won't do.

The initial announcement is hard. I do understand the desire to celebrate and share the news with everyone. I'm sure I'd want to do that too, to some extent, if I were pregnant, but I can't always handle it on the receiving end because of where I'm at.

I'm sure posts like this sounds quite self-centered. After all, pregnancy news is good stuff. She's having a baby!

I get that. But since when is this journey rational? At the end of the day, it hurts. It feels unfair. It feels like you're being overtaken yet again. It feels like you are being left behind. It feels like you're not good enough.

You're still waiting. You exist in two worlds- the world where you are okay and you are celebrating with them, and you mean it and then there's the world where you feel so jealous, so freaking frustrated that it is not your announcement.

They say it doesn't really get 'easier' though... for those who have gone through infertility and whether or not you do end up having kids, they say the stab to the heart or the slight lurch of the stomach still will be there, but I think I'm hoping I get better at handling it and start to have some better ways to cope? Let's keep hoping.

Weeping into the pillow before bed isn't the greatest on the eyes the next morning, nor is randomly freaking out on the inside how much you hate your body that great for the general well-being. (Not always. But we have Issues. I know.)

Anyway. So what should we do? There's gotta be a way to function like semi-normal. A list would be great of course.

1. Don't use Facebook. (Easier said than done.)

2. As the article mentioned, use the 'hide' option. It is there, why not? (If only there was that option in real life!)

3. Collect a couple trusted friends to warn you if they know there is an 'announcement' coming.

4. Look at every friend on your list who is married and tell yourself that they may be pregnant soon... this sounds ridiculous, but may help to reduce shock-factor. (This was a tip a friend of mine shared with me. She's also been through a rough time with infertility and I thought this was helpful. )

5. If you know friends are trying to conceive or just pregnant and you are okay enough to converse with them about your journey, ask them if they can let you know when they are going to announce the news to the rest of the world- so you can brace yourself for conversations, etc. Explain how it can help to know beforehand.

(I've found that being open with my journey has helped my friends be more aware of how to be sensitive, though it can make me feel super vulnerable at times... I'm really thankful for them.)

Obviously it is not our 'right' to know early or know at all so there will still be tricky ones, but this can help.

6. Pray that God will help you grow a THICK thick skin, protect your heart from the envy and focus on the right things. (Pray also for a bigger picture perspective. So needed but so hard.)

Umm... Okay so there are not that many ways to prevent this. I'm sorry.

Let me know if you've found anything else that may make it better...

No Simple Way Around It- Miscarriage Realities

(Magnolia- pic not really relevant to post but I just love magnolias! So pretty.)

This past week a friend went through a hard time. Even though I've been through some stuff similar to her experience, there is nothing to say that will make it better. I am still helpless. So sorry, girl.

I'm thankful that I had the week off so we got to hang out for a few hours one afternoon. I feel priviledged that we got to have some good conversation, even in the sadness. We connected on quite a few things, and even though she has appreciated that I am able to be there for her (and I'm so glad), in an odd way, it was actually like she was there for me also, dealing with my stuff too.

Here are things I'm learning after thinking through my own early miscarriages/pregnancy loss (before 12 weeks, because that's what I know about)... I know not everyone goes through the same thing, so I understand if it doesn't ring true with everyone.

1. Usually it is easiest to blame yourself- even I didn't say it, I thought it. Like thinking, I skipped rope before I found out, I ate that weird thing, I was too hot, I had that sip of wine, etc. NO YOU DIDN'T CAUSE IT. (Unless you abuse your body in an obvious way like with drug addiction, reasons for early miscarriage are still not medically clear and they don't know how to prevent it. Don't let others or old wives' tales tell you otherwise.)

2. It is hard to know how to think about the little life that was in you. It is easier to think of it as a vague entity, but it was life. Yet we think it wasn't 'fully' a baby, so how do we acknowledge it? Sometimes it is easier to not think of it as your child, but it was. It was wanted. It was God's creation. (Safe in the Arms of God looks at the biblical basis of this if you want a book on it, by John MacArthur.)

3. It affects your marriage. Wives and husbands deal with it differently and it is not easy to know how to communicate about it. I feel like sometimes it is the whole 'circular effect' of not wanting to hurt the other spouse or see them cry, so we either don't bring it up or try to be brave and bear with it, but we end up avoiding it or miscommunicating somehow... (There's lots of resources on grief and the impact on marriage too.)

4. It surprises you how lost you feel. You didn't realise you could be attached or feel love for something you had not seen, met or, in some cases, felt.

5. Morning sickness may continue after the loss... and this is a difficult physical reminder.

6. There is shock because it all unfolds fairly quickly. You were pregnant, now you are not. What are you going to do with the plans, real or vague ones, that you made?

7. You kinda don't want to make a 'big deal' out of it but it rocks your world. For some just a little, for some a little more. There are now a lot of "What ifs". What if I get pregnant again, what if I miscarry again, what if... It may also bring out other insecurities, like what if all your friends or sisters 'over-take' you and become moms before you, have their second and third children even, etc... that is normal. There are no easy answers to these, just continue to bring them before God.

8. You don't know what to tell people- if you've been away from work, if you've already told some friends about your pregnancy, if you need to tell your mother she isn't going to be a grandma etc.

9. You don't know how others will react and you can be sensitive about comments... we brace ourselves for the comments that may be awkward, or make us feel angry or like it was our fault. Hopefully none come.

10. There are lots of questions for God, and not always sufficient good answers. You try not to think about it too much but you sorta can't help it either.

11. Time will help the intensity to ease. There may always be random things that will always remind you of your pregnancy and the loss, and this is normal so don't feel silly, and it does get easier over time.

12. It makes you so so so thankful for loving friends and family. Some may have been in the same position too and some not, regardless of that, their encouragement and support means so much and you realise how much you need them. If you have kept it all very private, sometimes it does help to share it with a close friend or family member whom you trust.

13. It helps to 'let it out' somewhere. For me, I have a journal where I 'write to God'. Some days I had lots to say to God and some days I didn't-  I write sad things, angry things, glad things. Counselling also provided me with good guidance when my grief seemed to be quite overwhelming or when it was affecting me in a way that was more than what close friends and family could help me with. Going for a walk and listening to music or just letting yourself weep was also fairly therapeutic.

I found this book, Free to Grieve, by Maureen Rank, good too. (They had it at the North Shore's Albany Library...)

Coping Strategies

(Staying afloat!)

When I was doing our last round of fertility, I made myself list things I could still look forward to even if the round didn't 'work'. As I've gone on in this journey of treatment cycles, I've learnt to sort of plan ahead for both good news and bad. (This may sound like I don't have enough 'hope', but trust me... the impact of the disappointment I have had reflects the amount of hope I held for each round. Planning for life beyond that is brutal but was something I needed to do.)

When Round 8 ended in loss, I looked at that list that was supposed to help me 'carry-on' with so much distaste. I just felt inconsolable, probably like any other grieving person initially. After all, those of you in similar shoes know that there is VERY little that can measure up to getting pregnant, having a healthy pregnancy and having a child. (I have to admit that stating those three things seem like an impossibility to me now.)

But this last week or so, I'm glad I had that list. Yes they may be so different, in light of what I'd really really really like to be doing, but they are still things that are significant and I'm thankful to be able to do, or at least attempt to do them. Here they are:
- run the Auckland Half Marathon (um... if my knee lets me)
- do a Pilates Instructor course (it is this weekend!)
- continue pursuing the process of education and application towards possibly adopting (cos' if I was pregnant they make you pause this process)- very excited!
- start a local infertility support group via church (or a network of some kind at least!)- this has been something I've been wanting to do for ages! Anyone keen? Let me know.

None of these take the pain away but I'm stoked that I have these things as challenges to keep my heart and mind occupied in a positive way.

On another note, I survived buying new-born diapers for two friends who've each had their gorgeous babies born this past week. Go them! (And go me!) I heaved the two massive boxes of diapers (gifts for them) on top of my usual groceries, and to be honest, I felt like such a faker... cos' then I continued down the aisle past the REAL mothers who were picking what jars of baby food to get for their babies. Thankfully the aisles are not that long and I reached the frozen foods without running over anyone.

Which is easier? Shopping for baby clothes or buying baby diapers? I'm not that sure. (Don't get me wrong. I love getting gifts, but some days I'm just also thankful for the invention of shopping online, vouchers and gift cards!)

Anyway. I'm coping okay. Hope you are too.