"So. Big Gulps."

Hello! I'm here!

How many times have I said that?

Unfortunately there has been a big pause. Not that there hasn't been things to talk about. There's never things I run out of wanting to say. I sooo want to keep this blog going but I'm doing a terrible job of it.

If you guys are still out there, thanks for reading. I appreciate you so much. If not, that's ok. I probably won't know.

Last night I could not sleep because I had too much caffeine. If two cups of tea could be considered too much! I'm useless at caffeine I tell ya. I thought of all the things I wanted to do!

So I thought I'd try my best to capture some of that urgency by doing a quick post now.

Life is really much the same. Except Toby is 16 months now. I know. Huge.

He's really chatty and walks fast (can't quite run just yet)... and we love him to bits.

(messy at meals)

(busy busy always busy)

Do you remember me saying I was going to do a marathon? Well I did it! 4 hours and 47 minutes later... I got to the finish line! It was a big day.

 I feel so proud of myself and was so filled with emotion finishing it. I could not have done it without my running-mate KP who did it with me- trained with me for the last three months and cheered me on endlessly. (She pretty much cheered the whole marathon troupe on- we had people stopping to ask her how she had so much energy!)

(evidence that I did run it)

I also could not have done it without the husband as it has been his commitment as much as mine... As well as all my other super encouraging friends and fam. Some of which were there on the day cheering on us from the sidelines. What a difference it made!

(us and our medals and um... free stuff at the end)

And just to let you know I have not done much since. Haha worst 'down-training' ever. My one foot has been hurting so I'm resting it. That's what I'm saying. 

I went to a Coldplay concert on Saturday night here in Auckland. That was my other 30th birthday 'thing', besides the marathon. I spent my birthday money on the ticket and it was (so expensive but) totally awesome. I actually had some kind of awful bug the night before and was sure I wouldn't make it but I did! I loved it. There was confetti, blow-up lanterns, fireworks, lots of colour and they sounded great.

(Have to admit I sorta got nervous prior when I saw that they were coming on stage at 9pm and nowadays I am really trying to get ready for bed by then haha.)

Not to end on a downer but just on a different note, the last couple days have been interesting for me too as I've felt more emotional about the anniversary of one of the babies we lost (today, 12 November, 3 years ago).

This has actually quite taken me by surprise as I really have not been that focused on it. (This is my safe place where I say stuff, so it might seem like I talk about it a lot if you are reading my posts in one sitting ever.)

But God has really shown me His love through loss and I do cling to that. I just find it curious that it doesn't take much for me to feel that deep heartache- such as when I'm playing with Toby and realise that I won't get to know Baby N like this... or a song that reminds me...

Anyway. Bought beautiful flowers today to commemorate the memory. Looking forward to seeing the peonies bloom. Yay!

Life in general is good but filled up with just normal life things! How do people do it? I'm obviously such a terrible juggler of roles. I haven't even showered today- thought that was supposed to be a 'mother of newborn baby' problem! (9pm right now people.)

I think because I do things like run people think I'm a super-mom. Honestly the comments I got from achieving that marathon-goal were of course lovely to get but also a little misled maybe!

Life is messy. My house is messy.

I love it though. I love having Toby and being able to be his mother. Thankful for that definitely.

How are you doing?

Ten Things at 10am

** Caution: pregnacy-talk in this post. IF-ers who want to skip, feel free. Or just look at photos and fastforward to point 10.**

(new year, new clock photo!)

It is already 10:30 am but I thought to do this anyway... I'll write about my pregnancy since I haven't really shared a whole lot about it.

1. We have made it to 15 weeks and 5 days. Yes I'm marvelling that I can say those numbers, they are like a dream to me!

2. We are still nervous, but we are trying to celebrate and experience it to the best of our abilities. I've heard the baby's heartbeat once (at 11 weeks- Ohmygosh. It is crazyawesome. I had no idea. The dear midwife and I started crying.) and we haven't checked on anything since! We have another appointment with the mid-wife next week, so hopefully that'll provide some relief.

3. Part of trying to be 'normal'... we have bought a couple things already. Haha. It was supposed to just be 'research' but we found a couple second-hand baby things on trademe so we got them. Pretty stoked.

4. Even though some books have said to not buy any maternity clothes early on, I've bought some shorts and jeans. I am already uncomfortable in my usual stuff... so I thought why not embrace it all while I can...

(random interesting photo to make wordy post more interesting)

5. I will admit that losing this baby is not far from my mind (though there are zero signs of any complications up til now. Praise God!) but the husband and I are resolving to take it as it comes. Right now things look good so we will go with good!

6. I'm feeling better. My sickness/fatigue/combo wasn't fab for a while, but I didn't have any vomiting which I'm thankful for and the evenings are still a little yucky, but I think the outline of my shape/dent on the work couch and on my own couch at home is slowly going to go- yay.

Other than lying on the couch I also have spent most of the last couple months planning what to eat next, eating, planning what to snack on next to get rid of weird taste, eating, but not eating too much cos' that can make me feel sick, and planning what to eat next that doesn't make me feel sick. Fascinating. My social life has been pretty sad.

7. You know when I did that half-marathon at the end of October? Yeah. I was already pregnant then. Mad huh? Looking back it makes sense that I was so super-thirsty and slower than the usual slow haha.

My GP and I had a laugh (in a sorta 'incredulous' way) when I told her because no recurrent-miscarriage-person should be running half-marathons when they are pregnant, or anything close to that... yet we did and we are okay, oh gosh. Not that I would've done it if I'd known!

8. This is my fifth pregnancy guys. yikes. The only one that's made it past 12 weeks. Saying 'fifth' is unreal.

9. I found out I was pregnant a few days after I came back from that 2-day trip to Dunedin (yes sorry I was unable to share the news for a while) to visit a dear friend in November. I had been dreadfully tired (my poor host! I was not the most energetic visitor haha... ) which I just thought nothing of but then I started to get nauseous and that was the point where I was like, "What the?"...

Dealing with IF for a while, you get so anti about doing pregnancy tests so the husband and I weren't sure whether to or not... but it got to the weekend and there weren't any doctors to call so we did one. And another one. And sat around in shock for a long time.

10. Not to make light of it, but this pregnancy has been so ridiculous (God you are hilarious in a good way) in so many ways... not only did I do that running (see point 7) which is a big NO-NO in old-wives-tips realms as well as especially for pregnancy loss types (which is totally fair enough)...

Believe it or not, I was also SUPER STRESSED in the weeks that we supposedly conceived. HA. (I don't have a cycle so it was based on a dating scan.)

(cute photo of sammy so everyone will like him)

It was Sammy. Sammy had just arrived a little bit before and we were totally uptight because he brought a bundle of dramas which made us think we'd done the wrong thing getting him... and we were thinking, 'Oh what have we done... we're supposed to make our lives more relaxed not worse... we are gonna lose all our friends.' (Like it was serious. He attacked people. BUT Thankfully Sammy has improved a lot!)

So. So much for all those comments to tell people (especially infertility-types) to relax and get pregnant. (I know I know there's good-heartedness and some medical-ness behind them but... ) I'm trying to hold back from saying, "In yo face, preggie-tips!" and I'm personally secretly glad I debunked a couple of those haha.

(i'm smiling, and getting wide, like this crazygingerbread woman.)

Phew.

I survived my 21 km! Thanks for all the support you guys. I had a lovely crew who cheered me on. It was so hard- I hit a wall unexpectedly earlier than planned, then it was survival-mode from then on. I'm proud to say I didn't walk and I still did it in a great time for my standards. I made it in 2 hours 7 mins!

Thank you God for helping me through one of the longest two hours ever! Still felt great at the end though.

 (Running photos are terrible and one day I will post a photo of me NOT in running gear cos' I'm really not as hard-core-sporty as it looks. I picked this because the guy behind is walking so it makes me look good. I really struggled on the Harbour Bridge, but they closed the lane just for us so I tried to make the most of it! haha.)

Probably because of the big run, I've been pretty tired these last couple days, and that will be my excuse for having a sorta hard couple of days. It has been busy at work overall too.

Well... that and I noticed a Facebook pregnancy announcement this morning (man oh man maybe I do need to just not use it...Oh Lord how many more, please help me), and the husband has kicked off his Mo-vember campaign (hahaha... sigh... poor me poor me), so it is great timing to be LEAVING Auckland for a couple days. I'm visiting a dear friend in Dunedin (all the way down in the South Island!). I'm excited about that and I'm sure we'll have a fun time. woopwoop.

(map of nz! top red dot is auckland and bottom one is dunedin!)

It'll just be nice to spend time with her, be seeing new sights and be AWAY from normal life for a short time. I will miss the husband though. I think cos' it has been a difficult time for us this past year, I find it hard being apart from him! I know sounds so needy but it is totally the truth- I've become super clingy in a random kind of way. SAD. Sigh. haha.

Anyway. Gotta go get the bags ready. Hope you are having a good week and all you North Americans had a fun Halloween!

Ten Things at 10 am

(Started at 10am but had to leave so... posted at 7pm haha...)

Okay so I'm not sure if when you post two posts in one day, they get easily missed? Is that like a blogging no-no? But oh well. Some days I just have more time than others... so here I go.

I'm THANKFUL FOR:

1. Yesterday I spent some time with a new friend. She is dealing with secondary infertility, well, in the sense that she can conceive but has miscarried repeatedly... We had lunch and I had a wonderful time getting to know her, and I am learning more about infertility on another level- like even after you have a child. I'm thankful that God has provided me with friends like her who understand this deep ache.

2. I have a few friends who don't struggle with infertility but who have been really commited to trying to 'get' this road that I'm on. I am thankful for them because they are trying to see things from my perspective and even though it is hard for them to see it, they make so much effort to. It makes me feel very loved and appreciated, and I have much to learn from them!

3. New duvet cover!

(part of pillowcase- oops... upside down)

My mom got me a new duvet cover quite a few months ago... it is not exactly our bedroom style so I had to think about it for a while but it is SO gorgeous (and I don't really have a defined style anyway haha) so I'm gonna use it. But it is WHITE-based... so Miss Play-it-safe here is taking a risk, gonna go for it and use it. Oh dear Sammy boy, please don't lay your paws on it when I'm not looking.

4. New handbag.

Wow. My mom (again) went away recently and the crazylady bought me a fancy new handbag. What?? I don't need one. She just got me one a for my birthday a few months ago too. But some of you can see where my 'shopping for others' habit comes from. It is very cool, but it is red, white and navy so I can't wear too many colours when I'm using it or I'll look a bit too colourful. Love the 'marine' thing about it though. Thanks mom!

5. It is cool today. It is probably gonna rain! I know this is weird, cos' I've been wanting the warm weather for so long. But I would like it to be cool for tomorrow's run!!! (Please please stay cloudy for one more day...) I'm checking the weather like every few hours.

6. Ice cream sandwiches. (I love the new Magnum ice-cream sandwich.) Thankful for this invention... ahhh...

7. Less than eight weeks to Christmas! We have family visiting!

8. Our adoption assessment should be done by the end of December- then we will be deemed 'fit to be adoptive parents', hopefully. We have a lovely social worker who has been super pro-active. Even though realistically there are very few babies up for local adoption, we are still thankful that the process has been faster than we'd previously thought and the experience has been handle-able so far.

9. My work/ministry was in the local community paper this week! It was a great write up and led to quite a lot of interest. So cool.

10. I'm really nervous-excited about tomorrow's run, but I'm glad I get to do this. In reality we all know this is something I wouldn't be able to do or train for if I was pregnant or had a little one. I need to remember to not take this for granted.

Of course, I would give it up in a heartbeat for those things, and it is hard for me to not view this as a 'consolation prize'. This whole running-thing will always be so (argh) conflicting for me because last year I watched my friends take part while I didn't cos' I was pregnant, yet we miscarried soon after. And this year I get to do it but only cos' this last little one didn't stay either... ugh.

But on another level I'm glad I'm healthy and my wobbly knees have held on this long. This has been a good 'challenge' for me mentally and physically to work towards, to feel like I can accomplish stuff in the midst of this baby-madness and I'm super thankful for all the encouragement and support I've gotten.

I even have a friend running with me tomorrow to pace me and the husband and some good friends to wave me on along the way. Stoked!


Weekendweekendweekendiloveyou. Have a good one!

Ten Things at (not really) 10 am (more like 12pm)

The fastest way for me to post is to list. So here I go. This is a jumbly list of things.

1. This weekend is a long weekend for us here in NZ- Labour Day. It has also been quite sunny! Loving it. Yay for warmth!

2. However, I haven't been feeling all that wonderful. I'm not sure if I have allergies or am just run-down. I'm yawning by 9pm and crawling into bed by 9:30pm! Grrrr. Thankful for not having to work tomorrow though.

3. I have started to get quite depressed about supermarket-ting. I used to like it but now it comes with such dread! (Maybe because I'm terrible at writing a shopping list... cos' it all depends on what is on discount! You know what I mean?)

It is such a big job... walking your socks off, pushing big bafoony trolley/cart around, dodging other shoppers and avoiding aisle-rage, spending a TON of money that doesn't look worth your wares, loading it into the car, then unloading it all, stocking the pantry, then doing it all again in a couple weeks.

Now I make sure I buy ONE SNACK THING as a reward, cos' I'm often starving from all the mental, physical and emotional energy I've invested into the trip... so I eat it when I've loaded the car and got in my car and BREATHE. Then start the journey home.  Yesterday I ate a banana. Not very exciting I know but still good haha...

4. My friend Ruth mentioned making cards recently on her blog... this inspired me to make some the other day. I'm not very hard-core (like not at all a proper scrapbooker-type) about it but I just make the most of random things I have, like fabric.

(as you can see, i like hearts!)

There are lots of birthdays (and a wedding) that have been going on this month. I'm already late for some, ugh terrible I know. This is also a good money saving thingy (which I'm trying to do!) as I can get super carried away buying cards and gifts, etc.

5. My blogger friend Grace and her husband are adopting and waiting for their child to come home to them. She finally has just heard some good news... it is possible that she will be able to bring him home from Korea in 6 to 9 weeks. SO STOKED FOR THEM!

6. Heather at reach in, reach out, reach up posted about some myths about infertility. This is a great post... I myself may have said stuff like this to others before experiencing infertility myself and I understand that with IF and loss, sometimes there really is never anything to say that is good or helps... but at least avoiding the really bad ones is a plus. (At the moment one of the hard ones for me is wondering if people think that adoption is our new fertility treatment. It is not.)

7. My super friend C has been celebrating her birthday this weekend! Happy Birthday!

8. I'm running a half-marathon in a week. I have to admit I'm quite worried about it. Am I prepared enough? Will I survive? Have I set too high of a goal? AHHH... I'm also raising money while I run, for the Heart Foundation. If you'd like to donate, click here. (Don't laugh, I've been pretty laidback about the fundraising.)

9. IF stuff never leaves me... I often randomly count the number of people I know who are pregnant. Do you? I hate that I do this as it is just plain ol' torture... but I can't help it. It is reaching the point where 80-90% of my friends are either pregnant or have kids or are 'trying'... I wonder if you ever get used to it.

10. Right now, the husband is vacuuming. Yes! I am so thankful for him. haha.

Have a good weekend.

Coping Strategies

(Staying afloat!)

When I was doing our last round of fertility, I made myself list things I could still look forward to even if the round didn't 'work'. As I've gone on in this journey of treatment cycles, I've learnt to sort of plan ahead for both good news and bad. (This may sound like I don't have enough 'hope', but trust me... the impact of the disappointment I have had reflects the amount of hope I held for each round. Planning for life beyond that is brutal but was something I needed to do.)

When Round 8 ended in loss, I looked at that list that was supposed to help me 'carry-on' with so much distaste. I just felt inconsolable, probably like any other grieving person initially. After all, those of you in similar shoes know that there is VERY little that can measure up to getting pregnant, having a healthy pregnancy and having a child. (I have to admit that stating those three things seem like an impossibility to me now.)

But this last week or so, I'm glad I had that list. Yes they may be so different, in light of what I'd really really really like to be doing, but they are still things that are significant and I'm thankful to be able to do, or at least attempt to do them. Here they are:
- run the Auckland Half Marathon (um... if my knee lets me)
- do a Pilates Instructor course (it is this weekend!)
- continue pursuing the process of education and application towards possibly adopting (cos' if I was pregnant they make you pause this process)- very excited!
- start a local infertility support group via church (or a network of some kind at least!)- this has been something I've been wanting to do for ages! Anyone keen? Let me know.

None of these take the pain away but I'm stoked that I have these things as challenges to keep my heart and mind occupied in a positive way.

On another note, I survived buying new-born diapers for two friends who've each had their gorgeous babies born this past week. Go them! (And go me!) I heaved the two massive boxes of diapers (gifts for them) on top of my usual groceries, and to be honest, I felt like such a faker... cos' then I continued down the aisle past the REAL mothers who were picking what jars of baby food to get for their babies. Thankfully the aisles are not that long and I reached the frozen foods without running over anyone.

Which is easier? Shopping for baby clothes or buying baby diapers? I'm not that sure. (Don't get me wrong. I love getting gifts, but some days I'm just also thankful for the invention of shopping online, vouchers and gift cards!)

Anyway. I'm coping okay. Hope you are too.

Ring Ring!

I'm allergic to phone calls. I know I need them but I don't like them! I'm not sure why, but I just prefer other ways of communication. (You can still ring me though!)

So it makes it so much worse that I've had to deal with the phone A LOT these past years because that's how the nurses pass me information etc.

How can so much of your future hang on one phone call? (I really want to say 'stupid phone call' but I'm holding back. ha.) Blood test results, scan results, prescriptions, pregnancy test results, etc. 'Crazy' does not even begin to describe how I feel on the inside when I'm waiting for a call.

The waiting and picking-up part is one thing, then you have to figure out what sensible thing you need to say or ask once they've delivered the news, which is usually not cool. Somehow all the questions you wrote down while you were preparing yourself for the call fly out the window because all your hope has suddenly dissipated too- in half a second. Or you ask them but they don't have the answers... so you have to wait for a second phone call...

Anyway. That doesn't always happen, but it does too often. Grrrrr.

My  result (yes, by phone) for this week is that I have not ovulated, and probably still will not on my own. Which pretty much means the drilling hasn't done anything. Sucks. Frustrated.

So now I'm just waiting to hear about what the next-best-thing is.

The husband was really sweet and got me a food magazine ('delicious'- aussie but I like it haha.) and a random little SPCA dog figurine (think it is for kids but love it still) to make me feel better, as he knew I was pretty bummed.

On another note, I did my second 10k run for the year and did it under an hour! Very stoked and thankful for my friend, k, who did it with me!

Speaking of friends, I'm so super fortunate!

I had a lovely coffee with a special friend during her lunch break, and I'm thankful for her as we are sharing some of this difficult journey together.

And I'm also always thankful for my wonderful 'protector' friend who warns me everytime there's a pregnancy announcement lurking around... phew. Where would I be without these girls?

I'm praying you have sensitive people around you too. (And handle phone calls better than me.)

TIME part 2- distractions

(Eating is always a good distraction... haha... thought not always the best for us though huh.)

Maybe I'm just rambling today... but oh well...

This past weekend, I did a 10km run with a friend. I'm thankful I was able to do it and that we completed it close to our goal. Yay! I enjoy the CHALLENGE of running, and if I am able to 'train' for an event, I try to schedule one in. It also is a good 'distraction' or at least takes my mind off things temporarily. Plus it feels like I am accomplishing some goals in life (for example, to be physically decently healthy, to finish an event, etc.) even though I'm not getting anywhere in other areas in life, like hoping to be a mother.

As you may have already experienced though with fertility, the same things that help and ease things, are sometimes the same things that make you remember and rub your 'issues' in your face. Like... Personally when I am on fertility treatments (and when I have been pregnant), I don't run and do a lot lower-impact stuff, or sometimes I have to do nothing and lie on the couch, just cos' I'm advised to do so by doctors- even if physical activity is not proven to be a danger in pregnancy if you are already an active person.

This means the very goals/activities I sometimes set up to 'distract' myself or that give me some 'space' have to be left unmet- for example cancelling events or scraping 'training' schedules or agreements with friends to do an event with them. Instead I watch as others take part in things I can't. I understand this is for a good cause overall, but sometimes it is hard when the result of the cycle is negative or something else goes wrong. I can feel like I put something off for no reason to really 'show' for.

It is also hard to not be resentful of others who don't have to think twice about any of these things.

I really struggle to not be jealous of those who can do whatever they want and not have to be told to stop. (As you maybe can tell I struggle to not be envious about a lot of things!!! I guess fertile or not, we can't escape this. argh.)

Anyway, I wanted to talk about distractions and how they are awesome and sometimes not-so-awesome but in the end, I reckon you gotta have some! You do it for the variety and the positive-ness it brings, which God wants cos' He wants us to lead an abundant life- a life to the full- which I'm learning includes handling the crap life brings too.

What are some things you do in this bizarre life-stage of sort-of-waiting but trying-not-to-wait-too-hard?