'Just Looking'

Shopping makes me feel gooooood.

I totally love walking into a mall with a couple hours to myself and browsing what's in it. Whether it is because I enjoy clothes, am a visual person, am always on the prowl for a bargain, or just plain materialistic... I'm not sure. But I'm one of those people who savours breathing in the smell of air-conditioning mixed with floor cleaner mixed with food court Chinese and freshly brewed coffee, when you first step into the sliding doors of new malls.

If one day I go missing, you'll find me buried behind a sale rack.

AAAhhhhh bliss.

But let's be honest. Malls are hard for the IF-er...

I love this post by Beckie where she talks about going into baby sections in shops, etc. She expresses it so well.

As time has gone on, I've been able to refrain from doing this as it is too painful, unless I have good excuses to do it like if there's a sale, then I go and have a look for something for presents and if there's an upcoming birth, etc.

However, I do sometimes find myself wandering around (Pumpkin Patch and Cotton On Kids are some of my faves) in there just embracing the sweet and succulent dream that one day I too will be able to buy something for my child. I soak in all the things I would buy with my eyes and pretend that I'm just having a 'quick look'. I wonder if shop assistants know...

I haven't bought any baby stuff yet, miraculously I have managed to not, however, my problem is with my own clothes. The only maternity thing I have in my drawers is a set of maternity swimwear, which is easy enough to shove to the back (not really, but let's keep pretending).

Where I have 'shopped in faith' is I've bought those tops that have recently been in fashion the last couple years, you know the ones where the part under the bust is gathered or just overall baggier... with the thought of possibly being pregnant in mind.

They are still cute clothes of course, and no one would know that some were bought with the thought of a future pregnancy... but I KNOW. I even did this only a couple months ago (just before our last round) and now that one-size-bigger-so-now-too-baggy top is laughing at me no when one is looking. (The bonus is that it is a bit longer so it hides my butt well. uh huh.)

I thought I was being practical and yes, truth is that it was also my expression of hope.

Which brings us back to the same-old-same-old deal: HOPE- what do we do with it?

I like how Beckie puts it so succinctly when she describes the baby-section-browsing as a double-edged sword. This is a brilliant way of describing almost everything to do with infertility really.

Wat Yo Talkin' 'Bout Girl?

This post is written in reference to my last post- More Than a Broken Window.

My friend asked me questions around the lines of, why do I need to mourn the idea of motherhood now, when there are still possibilities for the future? (I think that's what you meant, A? I hope so, haha.) And that is a fair enough question cos' I know it sounds like I'm shutting things down too early...

(Okay. Honestly it feels like I could write a book on this so I'm trying to stick to the point. I hope this makes some sort of sense.)

There are a few 'levels' to what I mean...

One is, it is specific to adoption, like in desiring this future-child, I need to deal with certain aspects of motherhood, like that I won't have that pregnant-to-birth experience, along with him/her not resembling us. This is a more obvious one which you probably already figured.

Two is, for me, I actually delved into the grief of not being a mother right from the start- like right when I found out about my not-so-useful ovaries.

I know this seems a little weird drama or premature (as I am 'young' and there are reproductive technologies, etc.) and it may sound like I lost hope but that is not at all what I mean. My hope recharges all the time- probably only cos' God does it for me and along with that maternal desire He's put in many of us women.

I think when I say,"I grieve the thought of never conceiving, carrying and giving birth and having kids" (or a similar statement), I mean it because it is a reality for me TODAY. Yes, the future may bring something different (and in some ways it already has, as I have conceived previously), but it is my way of accepting my TODAY and making myself give it up to God, because I really don't know what the future holds- no one does. It is a version of 'acceptance' rather than denial- and maybe sorta extreme, which I know is not how everyone processes, but maybe is my way of dealing with this.

It is like a thing that I need to constantly do to think beyond the idea to be a mother, because just maybe that will be my life. I have to untangle myself from seeing a lot of my identity as a woman with being a mother...it is like a way to survive or move forward I think... like making a decision that there is more to life with or without kids... does this make any sense?

Three, not sure if this is even relevant to the question but may help... going through infertility is a hard one to describe.

I think it is like other examples of processing pain/suffering/when-bad-stuff-happens type issues.

(The husband gave me the idea for the following.) Maybe it is like when someone loses their leg, due to disease or accident. Their world changes. You can't do everyday things the same, your job prospects change because you used to be in a physical job, your social life changes because it is hard to go dancing every week, your house layout has to accomodate, you only need to buy half a pair of shoes...  your identity and your perspective on what you thought life was going to be is significantly shifted.

One day, you get a new artificial leg that works like 'as good' (or if you are a Kiwi, is 'good as'), that is fab and all- life may even be way better, you may climb mountains for a living and get tons of cash. But it doesn't take away the fact that your 'right' or 'normality' of having two legs is no longer there. It is not a given. Your definition of you is no longer the same. You have to be defined by something more than that.

Sure, you now have two legs again and are doing great but the world looks very different because you have experienced that loss or that 'change of plan' and it doesn't simply just 'rewind' to the day before your accident. (Though you do wonder what it'd be like if it did.)

I think this is sorta like an illustration of infertility for me.

My head tends to always be full of thoughts and words, so this may have been babbly. Hope this makes sense. What do you think?

8th Time

Hello! Having slight issues with my blogging career, can't seem to keep up with my intention to post regularly haha.

Anyway. We are trying again. How I got through the last seven months, I'm not sure. But here we are!

I did a count and this is our eighth time trying with assistance. If I do some quick math, and I like math, so please don't mind me, that's like an average of maybe 8 x 4 = 32 blood tests, and possibly like 8 x 2 = 16 ewwy scans. I mean at least that! Cos' often there's extra tests and things. Of course, it depends on your clinic and the amount of monitoring you get... random tangent I know, but that was just some interesting calculating for me. (And no, I never get used to the prick of the blood tests or the prod of the scans, but what to do!)

Needless to say, I'm scared. Terrified. I am finding this round a different kind of hard, probably because our loss in November was so shattering. I have hope but it is a disturbed kind of hope.

I'm trying to keep myself distracted and being busy does help. However, the two-week-wait will eventually come and I'm dreading that as that is the worst. (I'm thinking to maybe do something a bit different to get through it, like the Twelve Days of Christmas- so fourteen daily events? Or fourteen gifts for myself? Ideas?)

Overall I'm doing surprisingly well. (Thank you for praying for us if you have been.) Thank God for the husband who is doing the injecting for me. The last round was ten months ago and it took us a while to remember how it all works... I can't bring myself to do it- I know some of you do, big ups to you!

This morning, as I came home from my blood test (had to wake up early grrrr), I spotted this spider web outside our house...

Cool huh?

Things like this of God's creation help me to remember His greatness... which I forget very often.

Soothing the Crazywoman

What things make you cheer up a little?

Tuesday was the day I tried it all...

I had a couple bleak days at the beginning of this week. Hate how it makes me feel like I'm empty at the core. No wonder they call this infertility thing a monster, it rears its ugly head so unexpectedly... Everything makes you cry and everything makes you angry.

(Maybe that's how Venus F feels...)

Maybe it is the currently wonky hormones, maybe it was because I randomly decided to be smart and look up a information sheet on adoption where some random fact just made my hope levels plunge to the bottom, I'm not sure. I think I just get sick of it sometimes. Sick of waiting, sick of being patient, sick of planning my life around 'maybes'... so I just got sad.

So anyway, I went to the mall after my early work-shift. Yes, I love shopping. I love looking at clothes and just looking out for good buys. Ahhh... instant bliss.

Um, not long-lasting though.

The knot in my stomach did not totally go away. I even had a bit of sushi to see if that would ease my prickly emotions. I love sushi. But my appetite is insatiable.

I went home and went out for a walk. Walking is good cos' it makes you breathe. I took my MP3 player with me intending to listen to some music (ahhh music is good...) as I walked as it was a beautiful and cold wintry day with pure blue skies...

...but the battery was dead. Haha. I felt like Ebenezer Scrooge on Christmas Eve.

So I stomped my way around the block and back. It was good but by then I'd realised my thought patterns were just going round and round in circles, a variety pack of all the things I could be insecure about were swarming like bees in a hive.

I knew the best thing was to focus on God's word. I read through a bunch of Psalms and tried to concentrate on the words. (Why didn't I start with that, I don't know.)

I know I say it often but I love turning to the Psalms.

Lord thank you for soothing my sour pruneyness
Some days I feel so lost, but knowing you are at the end of the road is my ultimate comfort.

I also texted a friend in a similar place to me, and it was a relief to know I was not alone. Thank you God for her.

The last thing I should've done to cap the day off would've been to bake a bunch of chocolate-chip-laden cookies and down them with a big cup of tea. But I didn't have time... all my frustrations had fast-forwarded me to dinner time.

(That's probably how you age quicky- be bitter. UhOh. Makes you pruney inside AND out.)

I did have to have a cup of tea with a close friend after dinner though. And that was also a fine way to spend the evening.

But life is weird. I feel like I never know what tomorrow brings.

I feel more 'normal' now. Or close at least. Thankyouverymuch.

(Maybe I should've had nutella on white bread for dessert... )

Waiting for the Sun to Rise

Today I had my fourth blood test, which should tell me whether I'm ovulating on my own or not. I know that even though I'm not super hopeful (since it didn't work last time we drilled the ovaries), I will still be super disappointed to find out I'm not. I'm also not looking forward to having to make a decision with the husband about possibly starting a new cycle of treatment.

As much as a new cycle of treatment brings new hope, I only have three more rounds funded of this FSH-injection-treatment. I am thankful I have three, but I also feel like I'm slowly using up all the chances I have at getting pregnant, and I'm scared to have to strike another one out. The fear is so overpowering!

Yet I know we will try and we will come out of it somehow, like how we've survived the last couple years.

Since it has been winter, I've thought about how hope is like the warm spot in the house or on the couch where the sun shines in from the window. The snuggly sun-kissed spot where we want to sit and catch the soft rays instead of being in the chilly corner. (Cats seem to know about it particularly well.)

For me, the warm spot hits the dining area of the house in the morning where I like to sit and read the newspaper with a cup of coffee if I have a late start. (I love it!)

I long to bask in hope but sometimes it seems like it moves away quickly, especially in winter, on the cold and short days.

When hopes are dashed, and when I get bad news, I get that sudden stale, sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. For me I think that is what disappointment feels like physically. You know what I mean?

Yet, the sun will be there the next morning- unfailing, and the night will be over.

So I have to remember that and hang on to that truth:

The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
His mercies never cease.

Great is his faithfulness;
his mercies begin afresh each morning.
 
Lamentations 3:22-23 (New Living Translation)