Thoughts and an Update

There is a beautiful song playing a lot on the radio station I listen to in the car. It is 'Oceans' by Hillsong United and the bit that really gets me (and probably most, since it is the chorus) goes:

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior

I love it but it really is a scary song in some ways... because do you really want to be taken deeper and to have to trust without borders? Of course, as Christians we say we do but the reality of the experience is hard. So hard.

There is a blog post doing the rounds that challenges the popular line, "God won't give you more than you can handle" which one might say to another as they are experiencing hard stuff (amongst other things the author and his wife have gone through an ectopic pregnancy). I have wondered about how biblical that concept is, and on the whole causes me to think about how we respond to others who are facing a difficult time.

Since I'm sharing about other blogs... A friend shared this blog post to do with loss/grieving and miscarriage- and a new book that's out about the topic. It talks about going to church after miscarriage and what it was like being in the service. Something about the power of music causing our emotions to be moved. Nice to know that I'm not the only one who sometimes sobs through the whole worship-time - definitely awkward, and worse if you didn't bring tissues.

On a related note... One way to wade our way through rocky times in life is to share them with others, as a way to help them feel less alone. My mother-in-law shared a devotional with me about the power of sharing your (imperfect) life with others (the author has also been through miscarriage as well as seeing another child saved).

It was encouraging as sometimes I feel a bit lost or unsure in knowing how to support others on their journey, especially since setting up a prayer network with other couples at our church to do with infertility and baby loss/miscarriage. Different people process differently and I don't always know what the best way is to connect with them. However I do love this verse

He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. 

When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.

2 Corinthians 1:4

and often cling to it, praying that I am able to comfort others, where possible, even if I'm not always sure how!

Okay so aside from what other people are writing, what's going on?!

It has been a while since I last wrote. (I'm really sucking at this blogging thing, aren't I!) Because my pregnancy in April was a partial molar pregnancy, I've had to be in a process of waiting and being blood-tested. This will last until January.

January. That is longer than I would have been pregnant! From an infertility point of view, it is agony. Thankfully I got over that eventually and it has been mentally relaxing not having to think about 'trying'. I'm also in the clear which is fantastic. 

We've made it to November which is when the baby would've been due.To be honest I kind of forgot about it with life being full, but this past week there have been some reminders of my baby, with a friend having delivered her second child, and another friend getting pregnant, also with her second. Both have been good things I expected but have made my heart a little heavy. 

I got to go for a walk alone (score!) in the park on Monday, and it was so nice to breathe deeply. I sat amongst shady trees on a warm (summer is here!) morning and soaked it God's wonderful creation. I let myself imagine what my baby might have looked like if I got to meet her this month, and what sweet newborn features she might have.

  (my instagram shot of that morning)

I'm not actually great at that sort of thing, imagining details, so I didn't get very far, but it was just nice to do that, to acknowledge that my baby was real,  and to let God comfort me through the simplicity of sitting in His grass and trees. 

This time we've had to wait has given me precious time to enjoy Toby. He's almost two and a half years old and I've loved being able to give him a lot of my attention and energy. It has been amazing to watch him soak up knowledge, have conversations, give accounts of experiences and just have fun. (I also love this post, by the way, about having small children if you feel like yet another link ha... and they had them after years of infertility.)

We have also continued our trek into the adoption process. After the last miscarriage, we went through a process of being unsure but we have still felt very strongly the desire to adopt, so also in this waiting time, we have managed to gain approval to be adoptive parents (massive yay!). It feels like God has been guiding us in this area and we feel blessed to have gotten this far.

The thought of having a second whether biologically or through adoption is, in truth, terrifying especially as time goes on, and we become so used to being a family of three. I especially feel for Toby as he has asked about whether I have babies in my tummy and gets a real buzz out of me saying that he is my baby. What a shock he's going to have if one day we do get to have another!

In the meantime we still hope to and are doing okay waiting. It is definitely different now that we have Toby and we are very thankful for what we have. Christmas is round the corner so the next couple months will pass by quickly. I try not to think about 'age-gaps' and all of that, and I know God will continue to provide the best thing for us.

How is everyone?

 (happy movember!)

"So. Big Gulps."

Hello! I'm here!

How many times have I said that?

Unfortunately there has been a big pause. Not that there hasn't been things to talk about. There's never things I run out of wanting to say. I sooo want to keep this blog going but I'm doing a terrible job of it.

If you guys are still out there, thanks for reading. I appreciate you so much. If not, that's ok. I probably won't know.

Last night I could not sleep because I had too much caffeine. If two cups of tea could be considered too much! I'm useless at caffeine I tell ya. I thought of all the things I wanted to do!

So I thought I'd try my best to capture some of that urgency by doing a quick post now.

Life is really much the same. Except Toby is 16 months now. I know. Huge.

He's really chatty and walks fast (can't quite run just yet)... and we love him to bits.

(messy at meals)

(busy busy always busy)

Do you remember me saying I was going to do a marathon? Well I did it! 4 hours and 47 minutes later... I got to the finish line! It was a big day.

 I feel so proud of myself and was so filled with emotion finishing it. I could not have done it without my running-mate KP who did it with me- trained with me for the last three months and cheered me on endlessly. (She pretty much cheered the whole marathon troupe on- we had people stopping to ask her how she had so much energy!)

(evidence that I did run it)

I also could not have done it without the husband as it has been his commitment as much as mine... As well as all my other super encouraging friends and fam. Some of which were there on the day cheering on us from the sidelines. What a difference it made!

(us and our medals and um... free stuff at the end)

And just to let you know I have not done much since. Haha worst 'down-training' ever. My one foot has been hurting so I'm resting it. That's what I'm saying. 

I went to a Coldplay concert on Saturday night here in Auckland. That was my other 30th birthday 'thing', besides the marathon. I spent my birthday money on the ticket and it was (so expensive but) totally awesome. I actually had some kind of awful bug the night before and was sure I wouldn't make it but I did! I loved it. There was confetti, blow-up lanterns, fireworks, lots of colour and they sounded great.

(Have to admit I sorta got nervous prior when I saw that they were coming on stage at 9pm and nowadays I am really trying to get ready for bed by then haha.)

Not to end on a downer but just on a different note, the last couple days have been interesting for me too as I've felt more emotional about the anniversary of one of the babies we lost (today, 12 November, 3 years ago).

This has actually quite taken me by surprise as I really have not been that focused on it. (This is my safe place where I say stuff, so it might seem like I talk about it a lot if you are reading my posts in one sitting ever.)

But God has really shown me His love through loss and I do cling to that. I just find it curious that it doesn't take much for me to feel that deep heartache- such as when I'm playing with Toby and realise that I won't get to know Baby N like this... or a song that reminds me...

Anyway. Bought beautiful flowers today to commemorate the memory. Looking forward to seeing the peonies bloom. Yay!

Life in general is good but filled up with just normal life things! How do people do it? I'm obviously such a terrible juggler of roles. I haven't even showered today- thought that was supposed to be a 'mother of newborn baby' problem! (9pm right now people.)

I think because I do things like run people think I'm a super-mom. Honestly the comments I got from achieving that marathon-goal were of course lovely to get but also a little misled maybe!

Life is messy. My house is messy.

I love it though. I love having Toby and being able to be his mother. Thankful for that definitely.

How are you doing?

A Song

I came across this song the other day that someone shared on Facebook.

I thought it was pretty brave to sing about a topic like this- baby loss.

The husband and I listened to it and it was hard! I am posting the accoustic version. The original video is pretty difficult to watch- hits a bit close to home. Beautiful song though. Ed Sheeran's 'Small Bump'.

Unfinished Business

Kutless sings this song called "I'm Still Yours" and in it there are beautiful lines, some are similar to questions that I have also been asking myself these past few years...

When my life is not what I expected

The plans I made have failed

When there’s nothing left to steal me away

Will You be enough for me?

Will my broken heart still sing?

(More lyrics here.)

And I think the truth is that it will remain a question. I will continue to ask that of myself- and have to make that daily decision quite possibly for the rest of my life.
 
Don't get me wrong, I don't doubt my relationship with Christ and His love for us. My view of God has not been shaken and in fact, my understanding of Him has deepened.

He is a faithful God, but what about me?
 
I still remain a broken person, full of crap-o-la baggage, so it doesn't mean that it makes it any easier to trust Him in the times when things are so not what you thought they should be and you have no control over it. You know what I mean?
 
...
 
I love that the song ends with the whole idea that regardless of my response to God... I'm still Yours.

His infinite wide arms of grace overpowers my small whatevers.
 
Have a listen. Hope it speaks to you too.

Timely Treats

In the midst of stuff, I've been very fortunate to have friends and family caring for us. Here are some things that I'm thankful for these past few weeks.

1. Beautiful flowers (and notes) from friends!

Brightening up a rainy day. (Thanks Jul.)

Colourful gerberas light up the house. (Thanks S.)

(There was also a lovely rose- thanks L, but can't see it in the pic...)

2. Beauty in the bleak weather. (It is still a bit cold and wet around here, even though it is officially spring. )

Love these. Spidey in the rain... it got washed away later on though.

3. Be nice to your family cos' they send you nice things.

We got sent these mini Reese's cups in the mail! (Dark chocolate ones too!) They came with a bunch of books I'd gotten my bro and sis-in-law in the U.S. to send over to me, cos' Amazon shipping is a killer to NZ.

I got this cute apron from my sis-in-law in Canada, along with new photos and videos of my nephew and niece (love!) and some other things. (Had to go to the garage to find the husband to take a pic for me haha. ) Here I am wearing it with my um... running gear.

If you want one too, her friend has a shop...

Thanks guys!

4. This weekend, the husband and I got to spend some time together on Saturday night. We took the bus into downtown Auckland cos' we didn't know if traffic would be bad, as there were some closures for the two days...

We had bubble tea downtown. This place called Hulu Cat Cafe totally rocks.  (His drink is Caramel Milk Tea with Coffee Jelly. Very Asian I know...)

5. Great music- We went to a Sons of Korah gig. They are an Aussie band who sing the Psalms. Like straight from the Bible! It was beautiful.

It was held at an old church, St Pauls, so the sound and atmosphere was really cool. It was especially special cos' they ended with Psalm 91, which has been very close to my heart these past couple years.

One funny thing was that we were some of the few younger people in the crowd. Haha. Didn't know they were more appreciated by the older folk.

6. Glad we got to go. After the concert, a couple we knew there gave us a ride home! So sweet cos' even though the bus ride home isn't too bad, it was gonna be a long walk to the bus-stop.

7. My friend C gave me a cute strawberry plate as a 'cheer up' gift. I can be a bit of a random collector of interesting things, and if they are red, that's even better.

I put it on my shelf...

8. I got a new FRYING PAN! I am so stoked. (It was half-price at Farmers.)

The speckled one is the new one (ceramic). The other one is the old one, which we got from our wedding presents six years ago, which I really liked using too- had a waffle-y surface. I had gotten so used to it that I had no idea how much better a new one would be. It is heavier which already makes it fab cos' the other one never did sit straight- if you look carefully at the pic you'll see one side is more burnt than the rest haha.

Sounds silly but frying eggs was like so much fun, cos' it was super smooth and easy to flip! What a difference! Looking forward to trying it with pancakes. The ultimate test.

9. My friend L makes awesome biscotti! She dropped some off at my front door. A cool surprise.

Not the best pic but this one is strawberry and yoghurt biscotti and it tastes brilliant! I was gobbling it up.

10. Still on baking, my friend KP also made us a big box of chocolate and oat cookies (thankfully not all on the same day haha), but I didn't get a pic of them. Tasted good!

Thanks everyone. God has been sustaining us and caring for us through others.

Desert Song

It has been a long week.

Are you empty, desolate and worn? Is your soul parched and your heart hoarse?

This is me.

The other day my friend Ruth wrote to me (all the way from LA) and shared this song with me, Desert Song, which is a good reminder to praise God in the times we don't want to. Funnily enough, the writer of the song (and one of the singers) is Brooke Fraser, who is a much respected local (NZ) musician who also does stuff with Hillsong. (Her new album is coming out soon, sounds like it could be a good one!)

You may already know the song but if not do have a listen! (Oh. Just letting you know, the link contains video too. I don't always like looking at people worship as I find it a little weird/invasive, but that's just me ha. I think I just get easily distracted visually... so I just focus on the music.)

R actually specifically shared this with me because of the story behind the song's main singer, Jill. So if you want, you can also listen to the interview clip as it talks about the lead (Jill McCloghry) singer's experience of baby loss close to when she was recording this album.

Thanks for sharing girl!

Ten Things Around 10 A.M.

(I'm no saint, but I figure this is a good exercise for me to do as I have an overactive mind and can get obsessed or occupied by things that are immediately in my path, and not notice some other things that maybe happening. This is a good way for me to remind myself what God is doing along the way. )

Ten things I'm thanking God for today:

1. Lost and Found: My engagement ring diamond went missing the other night! I was horrified to see just the empty claws holding nothing! Felt quite sick that I'd lost this precious gift from the husband.

ugh

However, the next day, the husband miraculously found it under the desk at our work. (The claws had worn down and it popped out! Scary.) Phew. So relieved.

2. Even if we didn't find it, it would have sucked, but it would've been okay. Thankful for the husband (who found it but also) was trying to tell me it didn't really matter, at the end of the day it is just a piece of jewellery.

3. My mother, also known as Mrs K, who is waiting to patiently for grandkids from me but is trying not to put any pressure and has tried her best to be so gentle about it, reminding me to continue to wait on God.

4. Also thankful for her food. She gives us lots of food to bring home, even after we've visited her on Sunday nights to have dinner at her house. This week she gave me hamburger patties and this is our burger (with egg and bacon for extra protein- as if we need it haha- so yummy though!)

5. Ballet Class. So exciting! I went to do an adult ballet class this week. I have been looking forward to trying it out as it is something I used to do as a girl and still do enjoy. I'm waaaaay rusty of course, but the other women were not super experienced either, so it was good. (I'm hoping it will be a good attention diverter from some of the intense life stuff going on... may not always be able to go because of work, but still good to know there is a class I can attend and feel comfortable in)

6. Learning to laugh- still. I have to share that at this ballet class that was meant to take my mind off things, there was a pregnant lady! (Probably just like four months or something, just a little bump. Definitely was cos' someone mentioned it, not my imagination.) I have to admit, mid-jete, when I realised, I was a tad horrified because I so was wanting it to be a place where I could just relax and not think about baby-stuff... but somehow it will follow me wherever I go. It probably is a little silly thinking I can totally avoid it. I told the husband when I got home and we just had to sigh and laugh about it.

7. We bought this magnetic knife holder thing almost a year ago. We don't have IKEA here and we got it from IKEA in Gold Coast last year and lugged it home in our suitcases along with a duvet cover set, clocks and a heart-shaped mirror (yes... not kidding. Don't laugh too hard. Would've put shelving units in it too if I could've). Anyway, the husband finally put it up for me. Pretty stoked!

8. My friend C. She is a great encourager and cheerleader. She is trying so hard to understand this journey I'm on, and yet it is hard for her too as she hasn't had to experience the same issues. She was so impacted by the last post's video clip that she shared it on her FB page! This was so that others can also learn more about the difficulties of infertility stuff. I was very touched and encouraged.

9. Music. I love listening to music- all sorts! At the moment, because of where I'm at, I'm finding that bands like Casting Crowns are more helpful for me to listen to than others. It soothes my soul and reminds me that I need to let God take the driver's seat. It helps my mind zoom out to the bigger picture in life- where we are at with Christ. It also brings me to tears because trusting God is the hardest thing to do, especially cos' there has been so much heartache.

10. Random friendships I'm making on this (often-unwanted) journey... people from church, friends of friends, other bloggers, long-time friends who I'm reconnecting with. I'm surprised by how it has opened up new conversations and new depths in relationships.

God has definitely been good to me.

(started this post just before 10am but now it is almost 10:30. haha. oh well.)

Soothing the Crazywoman

What things make you cheer up a little?

Tuesday was the day I tried it all...

I had a couple bleak days at the beginning of this week. Hate how it makes me feel like I'm empty at the core. No wonder they call this infertility thing a monster, it rears its ugly head so unexpectedly... Everything makes you cry and everything makes you angry.

(Maybe that's how Venus F feels...)

Maybe it is the currently wonky hormones, maybe it was because I randomly decided to be smart and look up a information sheet on adoption where some random fact just made my hope levels plunge to the bottom, I'm not sure. I think I just get sick of it sometimes. Sick of waiting, sick of being patient, sick of planning my life around 'maybes'... so I just got sad.

So anyway, I went to the mall after my early work-shift. Yes, I love shopping. I love looking at clothes and just looking out for good buys. Ahhh... instant bliss.

Um, not long-lasting though.

The knot in my stomach did not totally go away. I even had a bit of sushi to see if that would ease my prickly emotions. I love sushi. But my appetite is insatiable.

I went home and went out for a walk. Walking is good cos' it makes you breathe. I took my MP3 player with me intending to listen to some music (ahhh music is good...) as I walked as it was a beautiful and cold wintry day with pure blue skies...

...but the battery was dead. Haha. I felt like Ebenezer Scrooge on Christmas Eve.

So I stomped my way around the block and back. It was good but by then I'd realised my thought patterns were just going round and round in circles, a variety pack of all the things I could be insecure about were swarming like bees in a hive.

I knew the best thing was to focus on God's word. I read through a bunch of Psalms and tried to concentrate on the words. (Why didn't I start with that, I don't know.)

I know I say it often but I love turning to the Psalms.

Lord thank you for soothing my sour pruneyness
Some days I feel so lost, but knowing you are at the end of the road is my ultimate comfort.

I also texted a friend in a similar place to me, and it was a relief to know I was not alone. Thank you God for her.

The last thing I should've done to cap the day off would've been to bake a bunch of chocolate-chip-laden cookies and down them with a big cup of tea. But I didn't have time... all my frustrations had fast-forwarded me to dinner time.

(That's probably how you age quicky- be bitter. UhOh. Makes you pruney inside AND out.)

I did have to have a cup of tea with a close friend after dinner though. And that was also a fine way to spend the evening.

But life is weird. I feel like I never know what tomorrow brings.

I feel more 'normal' now. Or close at least. Thankyouverymuch.

(Maybe I should've had nutella on white bread for dessert... )