"Is this your first baby?"

(avoid conversation with this woman! she often doesn't know what to say and cries easily! haha.)

When we were at the wedding in Nelson a couple weekends ago, this was a question that came up a few times. I've asked it myself and I really don't mind it as it is just a part of conversation, as what they are actually asking is, "Do you have any other kids?"

But it caught me by surprise when it was asked of me! Because I know the simple answer is 'Yes'. And yet the more correct answer is 'No'. And yet I didn't want anyone to feel uncomfortable, because they really weren't asking for my life-story.

Then again I'm someone who likes meaningful conversation, so I find myself torn and hesitating for a split second, which I'm sure seems weird if you were the 'asker' as you'd think it'd be a pretty easy one!

Anyway. I usually just answer a polite yes, so that the whole group conversation can move on... but last night, I got a little bold.

I was at someone's house and I got talking with one woman. Maybe because it was a one-to-one conversation and we already knew her husband a little, I'm not sure... so when she asked me, "Is this your first baby?", I decided to take the plunge and I said, "Well, you know, this is actually not my first pregnancy, but yes it is the first baby that has come this far along and we're stoked!"

I wasn't sure where this was going to take us but I trust that this was God thing because then we went on to have a conversation about infertility. She shared with me that they have gone through infertility themselves, have not been able to get pregnant, and are currently living life as two.

We didn't get to chat for very long, but it was a major connection point (had to blink back tears), and I appreciate that she opened up. It is a tough topic to be talking about with someone you just met! On my end of course it is always special to share with someone like her that I'm pregnant, as she understands how huge of a miracle it is too.

I'm not sure where I was heading with this post! But I guess I was thinking, sometimes it is worth the risk being vulnerable as you never know, you might find someone who's been on a similar path too! (And it is kinda like a painfully special scar you share.)

Pregnancy after IF and miscarriage- Confessions

(er... admitting more than one thing really.)

I have been thinking to admit some things about what it has been like being pregnant after infertility and miscarriage... I've hoped for this blog to be a place others can come to and feel some relief, but this has also been a safe place for me to say things that I may not dare share in real life.

So this may seem indulgent but I've always wanted to be open in this blog so here goes...

1. Especially when I was not yet 12-14 weeks, I was very nervous about noticing bleeding... What would I do, how would I handle it? Thankfully this feeling has subsided, especially from the 'fear of miscarriage' perspective... I think taking one day at a time is/was the only way!

2. I am just going to put this one out there. As much as we are so grateful to be 'pregnantly surprised', and naturally too, it was hard to not be slightly resentful that we could not experience the bliss and naievete of not knowing any other scenario.

When we found out we were pregnant, there was no jumping in the air or hi-fives, just us looking like we saw a ghost. And I felt a little stink for disbelieving this dear little baby was real! (Please know we have squealed in delight and are celebrating this little baby... it just took a while to get there!)

3. I secretly hoped that having had a rocky road before this, pregnancy would be easy (i.e. less nausea-feeling please!) ... um... no, doesn't work like that haha!

4. We had ultrasounds/scans at around 6, 8 and 10 weeks, then later on at 19 weeks. It was so bizarre having them all be 'normal'. I wanted to say, "Are you sure? Are you sure?"...

5.  Doing extra bloods and scans were not bad as they brought much information and therefore helped with the anxiety about the pregnancy, but progesterone inserts! (Yes inserts... pessaries? Whatever you call them...)

Those of you who have had to do them- big ups to you! I hated them so bad. You do them for 6-8 weeks (like 50+ days) and it is two little 'pills' 3 times a day, which is 300+ of them!!! Loved it when the specialist said, "You can wean off the progesterone now!". Fortunately I only needed to do a few weeks for this round. Phew.

6. There are still leftover fertility drugs in my fridge and a sharps bin in my closet (from September)... you just get used to them being around... then you realise you may ACTUALLY not need them for the 'next' round cos' this one is actually progressing...

7. I still get a twinge of envy when I find out suddenly that someone is pregnant like really soon after trying. I know this sounds so selfish and terrible but I do. I think it may get better eventually... Lord help me.

8. I wish I had a t-shirt that said something like "If you're waiting for a bump like this... hang in there!", as we all know what it is like to stare at someone like me.

SO... Having said all this, I'm currently 22.5 weeks and everything is still looking good. Today I'm going to go look at some baby things with my fab friend C. Who knew we'd be here in this position? Praise God for being generous and full of grace.

Thanks for Airing

This morning I watched a doco about Jay Jay Feeney and Dom Harvey, local DJs who are husband and wife and have been trying for a baby. Some friends had seen it and told me about it- they warned that it'd be hard so I left it for a couple days before I watched it. They made a documentary on their fourth IVF cycle. (It was aired on 'Sunday' on 30th of May. Click to watch it but I'm not sure if non-NZers can view the video. Sometimes the TV people limit it to locals...)

I'm sorry that it did not have a 'happy' ending but I have to say it outlined the journey so well. They also braved the cameras and shared all the emotions that the husband and I have felt too, even though we haven't done IVF before. I think all fertility treatment cycles carry similar emotional impact. I watched it as I ate my breakfast and was trying to shove the porridge in my mouth before it got more soggy.

I just appreciate that their vulnerability would've been so hard. For us, sometimes the fact that friends and family know that we are trying can be bad enough, let alone the NZ public. We want them to know because we need the prayers, support and care, but it can be so difficult too because your lives and dreams are just right out there, and as especially when something goes wrong, there is such a sense of wanting to be alone in the grief and sometimes even a strong sense of failure.

Yet openness helps us all to learn from each other and empathise, so it is a funny tension again. I think airing it on TV also helped everyone have a bit more of a realistic idea of what's involved with infertility and treatments- in this case, IVF.

It was just comforting for me to see Jay Jay do the injections, wait for phone calls and react to the various bits of news, as they were all things we have done too. It was also hard but kinda cool to hear Dom's perspective, I think it gave a voice to many husbands out there who are also on this mad mad journey. (Thank you for sharing.)