Ring Ring!

I'm allergic to phone calls. I know I need them but I don't like them! I'm not sure why, but I just prefer other ways of communication. (You can still ring me though!)

So it makes it so much worse that I've had to deal with the phone A LOT these past years because that's how the nurses pass me information etc.

How can so much of your future hang on one phone call? (I really want to say 'stupid phone call' but I'm holding back. ha.) Blood test results, scan results, prescriptions, pregnancy test results, etc. 'Crazy' does not even begin to describe how I feel on the inside when I'm waiting for a call.

The waiting and picking-up part is one thing, then you have to figure out what sensible thing you need to say or ask once they've delivered the news, which is usually not cool. Somehow all the questions you wrote down while you were preparing yourself for the call fly out the window because all your hope has suddenly dissipated too- in half a second. Or you ask them but they don't have the answers... so you have to wait for a second phone call...

Anyway. That doesn't always happen, but it does too often. Grrrrr.

My  result (yes, by phone) for this week is that I have not ovulated, and probably still will not on my own. Which pretty much means the drilling hasn't done anything. Sucks. Frustrated.

So now I'm just waiting to hear about what the next-best-thing is.

The husband was really sweet and got me a food magazine ('delicious'- aussie but I like it haha.) and a random little SPCA dog figurine (think it is for kids but love it still) to make me feel better, as he knew I was pretty bummed.

On another note, I did my second 10k run for the year and did it under an hour! Very stoked and thankful for my friend, k, who did it with me!

Speaking of friends, I'm so super fortunate!

I had a lovely coffee with a special friend during her lunch break, and I'm thankful for her as we are sharing some of this difficult journey together.

And I'm also always thankful for my wonderful 'protector' friend who warns me everytime there's a pregnancy announcement lurking around... phew. Where would I be without these girls?

I'm praying you have sensitive people around you too. (And handle phone calls better than me.)

Quick Update and Misc Things

My doc had a look at my surgery 'wounds' and they all look like they are healing up fine so YAY! Thank you for all the prayers and hugs. I've been back at work this week and I'm still taking it a bit easy in terms of activity but I'm doing well. Haven't had any dramas. Phew.

I've recently updated my 'bookshelf' and 'resources' page. Still a bit unsure about the 'resources' page cos' there are so many ways to do it and endless things I'm sure I could add to it... but that's that for now. Let me know if you have any suggestions.

I know we're probably all a bit over Mother's Day, but here's an article, If You Don't Have Anything Nice To Say... for anyone who's interested. Infertility-types have enjoyed this recent article by Nia Vardalos, from 'My Big Fat Greek Wedding' fame.

I hope you are having a good week.

Home

Five incisions later... (wow. didn't know it would be more than three...) I'm alive and well! Thank you for all the prayers and encouragement.

MRI Result

This week I got the call following up on my MRI. It turns out that I have to have another procedure done. Sucks! Totally was hoping that what they saw was somehow wrong. Not the greatest news.

Thankfully I can have it covered by insurance and there is a slot to do it soon. This is good. Thankfully also, I can do it at a private hospital, which is a lot nicer.

As much as I was prepared to deal with whatever comes next, and as much as I'm used to 'negative' news, and even though it is a fairly common and straightforward procedure, I'm not used to it. (How come?) I think I still had a bit of a shock and that could be why the last few days I've just been in a bit of a blur.

Between the husband and I, at the moment, we are a barrel full of issues. I think we are feeling a little bit stuck.

I know God is much greater than my wimpy self, but this is hard.

No. More. Hospitals.

huh?- questions questions...

I had a laparoscopy (ovarian drilling cos' of PCOS) over a year ago. Recently the topic came up with a friend in similar shoes which sparked off some thoughts for me in the last couple days... slightly messy ones and pretty much unrelated to the actual procedure but here goes:

1)
When I had a laparoscopy done, I remember being really stuck on the whole idea that I had to have surgery in order to attempt to have kids naturally. It really stumped me and to some extent, still does. I don't know why this seemed more major than pumping drugs into my system to help me ovulate... anyway, I guess it was just a very in-your-face reminder of my fertility status and all the questions (WHY do I need to manipulate my body so harshly for it to even try to ovulate? You're supposed to go to the hospital to deliver your baby not to have someone drill your ovaries as a pre-cursor to the possibility ovulation which is pre-babymaking, which is pre-pregnancy, which is pre-baby. In other words, a big fat "THIS IS UNFAIR." - Don't really swear but have been very tempted to.) that come with it.

2)
Speaking of questions... As a Christian dealing with infertility, at every step and angle we seem to be faced with the overriding questions- Do I let God deal with this and wait for some special indication? Or do I step out in faith and hope and use the resources (brain, etc) He's provided to make the best decision we/I know at this point in time? Or is the second question pretty much the answer to my first question?

These are common questions as a Christian and are not too bad at first glance, but I've noticed they get more frequent and hard when you are in the midst of infertility stuff... Like when you have a demanding voice on the other end of the telephone asking you if you want to take the appointment for publicly-funded (free, yes thankyou, I get it) day-surgery or not and you only have those five seconds to make that decision.

Oh yeah, sure you may have already discussed it with your husband, but what about work, you know there is important close to the date she's just barked at you, so is that an indication to push it and trust that another date will come up, or what? How long do I clear the schedule for? General anesthetic still takes a while to wear off... Does it matter? Do I tell people? Will it work? What does God think? Was I listening to my own 'desperation' rather than waiting for God's timing? What does the phrase 'God's timing' mean anyway?? Hold on. Also, what are my motives here? The nurse was pushy and stressful. Why did she do that? Should I have said no? I'm nervous. Does it mean I should take a break? How do I know? Yes, that's the one.

HOW DO I KNOW WHAT TO DO?

I honestly think I could list hundreds and hundreds of questions like that, that have popped into my head these last couple of years. I'm sure you could too... and I know there are no necessarily wrong or right answers to most of them... but I just didn't know I'd come to know the famous WHO WHAT WHERE WHEN WHY HOW questions so intimately and be visited by them so frequently. And to have to be making these decisions on what feels like wobbliness... and I think it could be because I'm so nervous about the whole red-pill blue-pill, what if I eat the wrong-coloured pill thing?

Which leads back to another big but basic question,
CAN I TRUST GOD?
(DO I BELIEVE HE LOVES ME AND KNOWS WHAT'S BEST?)

Which, as you probably have figured out if you have been journeying too, is the theme question of most major aspects of this life on earth. And a daily struggle for me. From what I know about who God is and my life so far, I don't need to think twice to know that the answer for me is 'yes', but my humanness doesn't always understand that, as it doesn't make sense to trust someone so wholly.

and so there. I think I'm stopping here.
I wish I did but, I don't really have a tidy conclusion to this post... haha.

I hope you had a meaningful Easter weekend.