First Post of the Year

How is your new year going? 

I don't think I even finished listening to all my Christmas music... yet here we are! Over a week into January. 

My blogging skills have definitely deteriorated now that my posts are so few and far between. I can't even think of what to focus on. So here we go back to point form.

1. It is a beautiful summer day here in Auckland. 

2. Toby and I got to go to the park and play with all these fun outdoor toys- the local council sets these up over summer and they travel around to various parks, today was the one by our house! He was addicted to a little blue car with a door that opens and closes. He doesn't know how to use his feet to 'walk' the car, to move it, so I had to push. But really we didn't really drive it much. We spent most of the time getting in and out, in and out, in and out. 

3. He is now eighteen months. 18. Getting too big and hard to carry for long. But I want to because he's my baby! Hard to see him get big so fast. Yet awesome too. 

4. Toby and I are starting to have mini-conversations. Like:

T: Daddy?

S: Daddy's at work. 

T: Daddy, har (car), voom (vroom). 

S: Yes, daddy takes the car to work. He works at the gym.

T: Daddy, har. Gym. 

5. Some frequently heard words from Toby these days are:

- Bus, school bus, car, mommy's car, daddy's car, dog, truck, dump truck, big truck, man, post man, bike, hat, van, nee-naw-nee-naw (fire engine), tractor, etc. 

Yes. The transport theme is very strong around here. 

6. We had a good Christmas. Did you?

Our Christmases are fairly low-key since the husband's family is not here, and my one brother too. It is kinda nice and sad at the same time. We like that it isn't too busy, but miss them definitely! We do get 'adopted' into our friends' Christmas celebrations though, which is always a plus. 

We're big on Christmas gifts around here- the husband and I. We know there's more to the meaning of Christmas but we embrace the gift-giving with open arms. Toby got a truckload from various grandparents/relatives/us, and on the whole really liked opening them! 

7. I'm always trying to figure out how best to be focussed on Christ at Christmas and I admit it is not easy with so many things going on. Any thoughts? Let me know. 

8. With becoming a mother, I've found it hard to visualise the year ahead, as with a toddler, it is such a day-today type of living. Not sure if many moms find that, but that's me. 

So I came up with a brilliant idea (I think so) where I've given each of the next twelve months a title/theme. Just like how December is often focussed on Christmas, I've kept some of the 'natural' ones... just added a few more of my own (April is My Month, June is Toby Month, March is Easter Month) and some random ones (Silly Month, Encouragement Month, Try-something-new Month). 

This helps each month be a bit more jazzed up and exciting. Or just something for me to focus on and maybe breaks up all the things I 'want to accomplish' into months, which might actually mean I get some things done? 

9. I also have done something similar for cooking, as like most, I get to 3 or 4pm and panic about dinner. So I've made January randomly Mexican, then there's American, Japanese, etc. Birthday months tend to be what our favourite cuisine is kinda thing... It is not a strict ruling, just a way to encourage me to be creative and try new things/re-do things I forgot about. We'll see if that helps with the meal ideas! 

10. Besides blogging, the other thing I don't do as much now is read. I blame a lot of things, but probably just a me-not-giving-it-time thing haha. Anyway. I'm good at starting books but the real issue is finishing. So. I recently finished a book. Accomplishment. 

I read 'Inconceivable' by Ben Elton. It is a humorous fiction novel, British, about a couple who are dealing with infertility... and the impact it has on marriage and every corner of their lives really. It is super funny but also pretty crass at times! 

My friend gave it to me a couple years ago, and I have to admit I was nervous to read it as I wasn't sure how raw it would be. Plus coming from a friend who had not dealt with infertility and had enjoyed it, I wasn't sure how to receive it. But it was good and there are bits of it that are really sweet and hilarious. Then there are parts that are relatable-to and painful. Recommend if you can read past the crude bits. 

11. I'm also reading 'A Common Thread' compiled by Catherine Sylvester. Which is a collection of real-life stories about infertility, loss, adoption, etc. It is Christian-based, so has a lot of depth and heartbreaking bits to it too. 

I've stayed away from serious infertility books for a while, as they are of course heavy and too close to the heart sometimes, but I always enjoy them at the end of the day, because they mean so much to me. Does that make sense? 

12. I'm also reading 'Run Fat B*tch Run' by Ruth Field. Yes. That's the title. Those British again. 

I know I'm not fat (tricky word) and I already do run (sometimes when I have a goal haha), so I'm not necessarily the target audience for this book. But I was just curious as I had read that a lot of women were motivated by it so I just wanted to know why. It is extreme but I like her sense of humour. And there are a few really interesting/good pointers she gives in it. So far. I haven't finished haha. 

13. Then there are two other books that I've been working on finishing for the past year. My husband laughs at all this. 

14. Okay so if you are still with me, it has taken me this long (13 points and maybe one hour?) to warm up and I'm just starting to get into writing some more sensible and fascinating stuff (we hope). But precious naptime is almost over and I should go. 

15. Any new year thoughts/goals/hopes? I was wanting to talk about some but that'll take me another hour to think about properly and type up. 

Have a great week. 

Being Brave

This is what I posted on Facebook the other day. 

I'm not usually that vulnerable on Facebook and I was nervous doing it! But two special friends have gone through losses recently and that night I found out a third friend just had too, so it was just really heavy on my heart, as I sensed they were surprised by the sadness, etc. 

Anyway. Here it is:

On Tuesday I decided to buy flowers. What is it about flowers... A beautiful reminder of God's creation maybe.

3 years ago this week we said goodbye to a baby we got to carry for 12 weeks of pregnancy. My precious friend took me to the hospital and later that day I followed J out to the car park with no baby- as if we were just visitors. I remember the lonely corridors. How empty. Hollow. 

Mayb

e this was all right. I looked normal; I could walk. But my heart broke into a million pieces when I got home and emptied the hospital's brown paper bag of my dirty clothes, and I realised I had nothing. Nothing left of my baby. Invisible.

Gutted.

Yes I have J. And today I have Toby and God has continued to bless us with good things that we celebrate. It is not about not being thankful.

That little life was treasured. We never stop wondering what Baby N would've looked like or felt like. The baby was real.

This is a bit of a step out for me. But my thoughts are going out to the other women or couples who have been here too. And are here today. I know it is 'common' but it doesn't make it easier.

You did not get to meet tiny bud, but your loss is real. Grief is ugly.Your heart is indescribably heavy right now. No one wants to talk about it but many try to say nice things. And some want you to move on. But be mournful if you need to and for a time there really is nothing that needs to be said.

I believe that one day there will be answers to our questions and joyous reunions... and I am praying that God comforts you with his great arms of love and you find healing in his saving grace. Please know in those moments of deep sadness, you are not alone.

If I'm Being Honest

If I'm being honest with you, I think a lot about whether we can have a second child.

Then I also sort of freak out about whether I could handle that and whether I would be a terrible mom with two. Cos' one already takes a lot of work for me.

And then my thoughts flip back to whether I have that option. I may not have that choice of having a second, not at this point at least. I don't know. I don't have my cycle back yet.

So. What I'm really worried about is whether I will get my cycle back and whether I can get pregnant again or do we seek treatment? And when?

And also another thing that I'm really thinking about is whether to re-start the adoption process again... or do we wait. Or do we concentrate on getting pregnant? For me adoption leads to so many more questions. The process, the wait, the no guarantees, etc. A bottomless pit of maybe/if/hope/who knows.

And then I make myself think weigh up all the reasons why we want to adopt blahblahblah and it just does my head in.

And what I'm really thinking is whether Toby will have a sibling because that'd be really fab. But I know it'd be a whole new level of awesome/miracle/howdowegetthere.

And then suddenly I'm like, maybe this will happen! Maybe it will just happen like with Toby! But I don't want to take that for granted either. Though I probably already have at times.

And then I flick back to me being in my current reality- I'm trying my best to enjoy our life right now cos' it is pretty awesome too... so I think of all the things I'm enjoying and looking forward to. And because with a one-year-old you still can't think ahead too far... a week ahead is plenty for me to deal with.

And then I think about marriage, cos' then I wonder how much more hard marriage would be if we had another and whether it is all about dealing with that. I mean it is not like we are doing badly but having a baby has definitely impacted it.

And then finally after my web of thoughts explode, I tell God, "You gotta do this. I have no idea. No control. Any of these paths are pretty much only available if You have them work... Please please help me leave them with you."

And then I do it all again the next day or so.

(I know I'm not supposed to start sentences with 'and', let alone so many of them. Grammar police please ignore.)

13 months

These past few days, Toby has started walking. Oh me oh my! It has been really brilliant seeing him take one step. Then two steps the next day. Then a couple more the next.

I don't know when you classify a child as 'walking' but I'm quite sure he has started. And so he is thirteen months. Thought I should write it down somewhere- here is a good place!

We had a great time away in Canada and the US. We were in three cities and stayed in four houses over about 3+ weeks. Toby was a trooper and survived it all. We did get sick at one point and that was a big bummer but you can't prepare or prevent that so we just had to roll with it.

He got to celebrate his birthday three times! The first was pre-birthday, with extended Canadian family and sort of also a great reason for a get-together. The second was on his actual birthday just with the husband's immediate family, which was a small celebration, special and cosy. The third was post-birthday and post-trip, here in NZ, where we did more of a 'party' with little kids- invited some friends and family.

I know he will remember none of it but it was awesome getting to celebrate and know how loved we are and he is.

I have sooooo many photos to organise. Here are a few of the various 'cakes' we got to have!

Thank you grandma for this cake #1!

Healthy muffins with a creamy frosting for cake #2...

And thank you our awesome friend Ch for teaching me how to ice this sock monkey cake. woopwoop!

Toby is starting to say some words too like:

- Dad

- Ball

- Spoon

- Stick

- Bath

- Door

Some sound the same though... 

He can also do a couple hand-signs like 'please' and 'more' and 'all done' if you convince him to do it... haha.

It has been fascinating to see him learn and watch his brain 'click' when you tell him stuff. It has also been hard knowing what to do about bad behaviour, etc. I do get a bit concious that I'm saying NO a lot! 

He's pretty chatty and becoming very busy. He isn't too much of a speed demon though, which is nice as it gives me time to get to him if something needs diversion. He takes a while to warm up in new places and with new people, but he seems quite chilled overall. We'll see what he continues to grow up to be like.

It is hard to get a good photo of him these days! Here's one with a semi-smile.

I'm wondering a lot about how you pass on your faith to your child, I mean how to live and everyday life that includes communicating your walk with Jesus Christ. I'm sure it comes out of your own... which maybe says something about me because I'm struggling to know how to do this in parenting terms. Do I make sense? Anyway. Maybe a good topic for another post. 

As usual, so many thoughts to convey, so few brain cells left working. Are you watching the Olympics? I'm going to go do that for a little bit right now! 

Support Group Thoughts

I've had the privilege of running a small prayer/support group at church for those dealing with infertility and miscarriage baby loss. There's only a few of us and we have been at different stages of the journey, yet God has been very awesome at providing for our different needs through the group. 

As the coordinator-type-person I am thankful that our church is sooo behind this and encouraging. I don't always feel like I know what I'm doing but somehow God does stuff. I treasure all the friendships I am able to have though I also wish we didn't have to have this in common! 

Just wondering what you guys out there think about this. Our group is made up of ladies on different journeys. Primary infertility (battling to get pregnant), secondary infertility (waiting for subsequent child), miscarriage baby loss/ recurrent loss, and of course some are now mothers too. 

I like that we are at different places as we need each other and it is always encouraging to learn from each other's experiences, and it all seems to still be okay since we are small, but I also know it can be painful as eventually some will be waiting and some will have children... What is the best way to handle this? How can I do this well?

I know there are no easy answers. But just thought to hear your ideas or if you have had any experience yourself. 

New Year New Thoughts (Kinda)

I'm having trouble catching up on blogs because my desktop computer uses Explorer and Blogger is telling me that they prefer me to use Google Chrome, so my dashboard is not loading! Not cool. Anyone else having this problem?

So I can post from here (using my ipod touch) but reading blogs isn't so great. Sorry I'm so out of touch with you blog friends out there!

I'm having a late start to the year organisationally it seems. Probably just a me-thing too. New calendar not up, dates for diary not transferred, lists of things to do lying around but not compiled into anything useful!

What are some things you hope to see happen or do this year? Big things, small things, etc. Or on another level, What can we also be praying for each other for?

1. Big idea 1 - I have this idea to start a website.

It sort of stems off having this blog, but I want something that's more of a resource for others out there. Something still for those going through waiting, infertility and baby loss but also for their spouses, friends and family. For example I have learnt that many husbands feel a bit lost too... So it could be a place for them to find out how to better understand their wives?

Blogs tend to be more personal, journally and chronological while it'd be cool to have something more topical or question based where it is easier to search for stuff. Hmm. I don't want to replace good resources out there too but I do think we can fit somewhere.

I am so excited about this idea! But I also am a bit unsure where to start! I have thoughts spilling out of me! And er when will I have time? Struggling as it is with blogging!

Praying also to approach it in a way God wants me to.

What do you think?

2. Fitness - I would like to get bit more fit again. Typical I know. But hear me out.

I have been fortunate that my body has managed to resume its pre-preg shape- sort of haha!

But truth is I am not actually fit on the inside as I barely do anything resembling exercise. And for someone like me, it'd be good to have a challenge. So I'm trying to come up with a plan to do something fitness-sy this year.

I don't know how women out there do it! It is so hard working it around Toby's schedule. We'll see...

3. Time with God and prayer life- I really struggle with this. Not that I want to get legalistic about it but I'm so on the opposite end right now.

Specifically, I just have felt very convicted about praying about some specific happenings in my family life in the past few years, yet I haven't acted on them.

I think I also haven't been brave enough because they are hard topics that I don't like thinking about. Yikes. So I want to do something about this.

Ok that's some of the stuff I'm thinking about for 2012. What about you?

(Photos: here is a pic of Toby and I, and some others of him, like with his monkey called Socks, plus one of the summer sky the other night just before 9pm- ah summer! )

Oooh Oooh Oooh

(Ok. Still not going strong with the blogging!

ANYWAY.)

I just got told about another NZ-based book about infertility, A Common Thread. Thanks Jill! Finding books written here is so exciting! While doing this, I stumbled onto another NZ blog, Cherished, by Sally who is a mother now via adoption and fertility. As well as Thursday's Babies, a sort of prayer network/ministry started by some ladies here.

Looking forward to looking into these!

Miscarriage Link

Here's a post about dealing with miscarriage that my friend Steph shared. There are no rules for how to go through it, but is helpful to hear how different people deal with it... some things I connect with in here too... 
The Baby I Never Knew

Oh ya

Saw 
this post 
the other day. On adoption and waiting. Talk more later.

From others...

Here are a couple links...

- Divided, by Heather

This post is a very personal one to Heather, who has gone through an agonizing time of waiting and also a recent loss.

This post also leapt out at me because a good friend and I have been talking about how for her, miscarriage marked an unexpected change in her perspective, like her life became sort of split into two timelines, before and after. It is like the world changed colour.

- The Question that Breaks My Heart, by Rachel

This one probably many of us dealing with or who have dealt with IF can connect with. I appreciate how many of these women bring the perspective back to Christ, hard hard hard as it may be. It is a good reminder for me...

Bust A Myth

It was Infertility Awareness week at the end of April, in the U.S. and 'Bust A Myth' was how many bloggers took part in it.

Here are a couple links to these myth-busting posts if you are interested to read:
1) Giving Up Hope
2) You'll be a Mom Someday- I just know it!

Also, I just wrote a post today on another blog, for where I work. It is about being there for a friend (or loved one) in need. (And you get a peek into more of my world haha!)

Ten things at Twelvish

(wrong time. oh well.)

1. Thankful for pancakes this morning (after dreaming about them haha). YUM.

2. Thankful for a Saturday morning to chill and catch up with thoughts and things (laundry haha).

3. Thankful for some time I spent yesterday with two special friends who'd gone through miscarriages recently. It was good to catch up with them and just comforting to be able to talk about our 'children we've never met' openly and without reserve or feeling bad/weird. Glad we finally got to hang out!

4. Thankful for the Christchurch Earthquake Memorial Service that I watched this morning online cos' I missed it yesterday. It was hard to watch of course, but also a bittersweet reminder of God's power and strength in times of great need.

5. Thankful for God's supernatural comfort in times of deep sadness and grieving. Some dear friends have had to say goodbye to their dear tiny daughter, Eden Grace, who was 17 days old. She was born at 26 weeks of pregnancy. Her life was a miracle in itself, but it is so hard too... and I'm praying for her parents and brother as they cope with their loss. I cannot imagine how hard this is for them.

6. Thankful for the power of music that touches us even if we come from different perspectives and backgrounds. They sang a few beautiful songs at the Christchurch Memorial Service- like Amazing Grace and Welcome Home.

7. Thankful that my sis-in-law, K, was unhurt in a car accident this past week, where her SUV was turned on its side! Also cool that the kids were at home with my brother. Praying for them as this stuff is still always scary and can be stressful.

8. Thankful for soft-serve. Ya, serious.

(not my pic)

Haha yes. I love them. Plus, I don't know why it took me so long to catch on that the vanilla soft-serve cones at McDonald's are only 60-cents! Is there anything else that cheap around here?

I usually get the hot fudge/chocolate sundaes in a cup that cost way more. So I think I'll switch over to the cones... plus they probably are 'less bad' haha... NOW if only they had the half-chocolate and half-vanialla twist ones here... ahhhhh that'd be heaven. You know those? They don't have them here in NZ...

( AND Do you know? I used to have the Fisher-Price McDonald's Kitchen set, like this, yes they whole big thing with the drive through window and kitchen. The soft-serve machine was my favourite part!!!)

9. Thankful that we have made it to 24 weeks and 5 days of pregnancy.

It is fascinating and awesome to think that if I had the baby now (of course not ideal but just saying...) he would have a chance at surviving outside the womb. It would be registered as a birth in some countries, not sure about here. Just quite a thought! Praising God for this life.

10. Thankful for my mother who continues to feed me. She's been bringing me pots of food so that I don't have to cook that much. They last the husband and I a few meals a week.

It is a massive blessing because I've been so tired and some evenings I work, so it makes it very convenient. However, I hope she isn't using up all her cooking stamina because I'll need it more when baby comes!

Had a lunch break between writing point 8. and points 9.-10. so now it is like almost two! haha. Have a good day out there.

Mercy

(pic of pie because... truth is, i often WANT pie but i don't necessarily always deserve it (?)... ok long shot- but I couldn't think of anything else to put as the photo haha)

Isn't it interesting how when you go through different chapters in life, some themes stand out to you more than others?

'Mercy' seems like such an old-fashioned word to me, and sorta religious and loaded... yet this is what I've been thinking about. Over and over...

This baby is such a crazy ridiculous miracle. I think every baby is a miracle really, but this one is has been so in-your-face massive for me.

I feel undeserved. And that's why I think I'm realising the extent of God's mercy. He didn't need to do this. We asked for it, yes, and of course some days I did feel like 'argh you owe me!' (er... probably plus a few more nasty words), but REALLY it wasn't our right to get the answer we wanted... and I am trying to grasp that.

It is not my right to be a mother... but God has shown me grace and mercy. I'm repeating this because it blows my mind. I can't even fully comprehend it. Yet this is such a big part of the Christian life too- being given what we never deserved in the first place, life and freedom through Christ.

So here I am carrying a little baby boy. And I am four months away from meeting him.

The flip side is I wonder if I'd have felt this way if this was earlier in the journey... did I need all that time to loosen my hold on my desire to control and WANT? I don't know and I don't think it is just about me...

But also the out-of-this-world nature of 'our story' having been such a mad one, makes it all the more awesome what God's done and the emphasis more on Him. It makes it so clear who's in charge...

Here's a song from an album I've been listening too lately (ya still loving this album A and thanks Kathy)... it isn't totally related to this subject, and is more about being in the depths of (I think) grief and suffering... but what has lingered with me are the lines:

Bind up these broken bones
Mercy bend and breathe me back to life
But not before you show me how to die



Maybe this is what I'm learning?

Hmmm... anyway. Just some thoughts.

One Year On

Today is the anniversary of when we lost Baby N. Yesterday I bought flowers to make it a bit more special but sadly when I brought them home, they were more floppy than I'd realised. (Darn those sneaky supermarket-sleeve-flowers and my lousy judgement haha... Oh well. )

How quickly a year has gone by. A year since the husband flew back from the States in a rush to be with me. A year since being at the hospital with my dear friend C who took care of everything while I panicked in pain. Thank you God for how you worked everything out somehow.

The grief has definitely subsided. Something you never feel is going to happen when you are in the midst of it and can hardly see past the hour. Though there is still a deep longing to know what Baby N looks like and what life would have been (as with all the babies we long to meet)... Life is interesting huh.

It is curious thinking about what I remember of the day I found out the pregnancy definitely wasn't progressing (the scan, going for something as normal as a meal after as there was nothing we could do and it was something to do aside from crying), the next day (arranging a D & C as by then I'd been bleeding for a while) and then that night/the following day when it all happened naturally and so quickly yet kinda also in slow-motion.

So many difficult memories, yet it was a deep and impactful time too, it especially impacted my relationships (with my mother who was there at the last scans, with my friend C who coached me through contractions that I for some reason didn't expect, and my husband who sped from airport to hospital in crazy shock).

One thing that the miscarriages have made me think about a lot is heaven. What is heaven like? I'm still figuring it out. A topic I never really had to think too much about in terms of specifics. It also has made me really want to go there, not in a scary way but just in a it-will-be-so-awesome-when-we-get-there kind of way.

Even this year has continued to be a bit of a confusing year, but we can definitely see how God has been taking such good care of us. The fact that we have simply survived a year is a good thing! To be honest I'm not sure where the year has gone. It feels like it sorta just disappeared, all I know is I'm tired but here I am... haha.

So. We're really not sure what the future holds but it surely is going to be 'good' because it is in God's hands. He is a faithful God. Oh how I need to remember that on the trickier days!

(we decided to buy bears to for each of our children, to remember them by even if there is little to hang on to. here are just three of them... two have their nickname-initialed on their foot!)

Thoughts on Naomi

I've been quite interested in the character of Naomi from the book of Ruth in the Bible. Initially I just thought she had a lovely name but I also really struggled to understand why she wanted to be called 'Mara' instead which means bitter- so much more ugly-sounding!

Recently, I got to read a Francine Rivers book Lineage of Grace, and it had a version of Ruth and Naomi's story. (I don't read a lot of Christian-fiction but I have enjoyed some Francine Rivers books as it helps me picture what life may have been like in history.) I was really intrigued by how Francine Rivers detailed these women, especially Naomi.

It occured to me how her life contained so much loss. She lost her husband Elimelech and both her sons. Thinking back to the way life was in Bible times, to go from a woman married with two sons (her life was probably pretty secure in terms of income and social standing), to having NONE of those.

Instead she returned to her homeland with nothing but a Moabitess on tow, who was a foreigner to them. This would've been a big no-no to the locals and they probably weren't very well received or welcomed.

I know this is not my situation but I think this connected with me because I'm learning so much about loss through things such as the husband and I having to change jobs and give up some dreams we had about our career future, through infertility and miscarriage, as well as through friends who have lost close ones.

There was also a situation earlier this year where the thought of losing the husband became very real to me. Thankfully this did not happen and I still have him but in a sense that day was life-changing and it made me think about the realities of life.

I guess with so much of our lives revolving around the idea of progress, advancement and plans on what you are going to do next, (and a lot of our identity is linked to these things) it hits you hard when your life is on 'pause' or for some even, like Naomi, in 'rewind'... when stuff is taken away.

A friend of ours has gone through a devastating marriage breakdown and he was talking about how he never thought years later he'd be back in this place of being single with a crappy car and a few bits of furniture- with really just 'nothing to show' for his life... I'm sure he thought he'd still be married, possibly with kids, and at a good point in his career... but it hasn't quite turned out how we all thought for him... it reminded me of Naomi.

NO WONDER she was upset. No wonder she wanted to be called Mara. I only understand a smidgen of her pain and yet I can understand why she would have called out in despair and anguish. When I was younger it was so easy for me to think she should've just 'gotten over it'... now bitterness is something that I'm more familiar with.

However, I also think even though she called herself a bitter person, she must've loved God and showed it. The fact that her daughter-in-law Ruth wanted to follow her God says something about Naomi. She probably demonstrated God's love through her strength and perseverance even back when they were living in Moab, a foreign land with foreign gods, or else Ruth wouldn't have followed her back to Bethlehem. You know what I mean?

Our friend whom I mentioned has also left us with a lot to learn. He's clung to God the best way he can through this process. I'm sure there are days where he is still angry like Naomi was (uh... I've been through less and I am!)... but as friends we can see that pleasing and following God has been his priority.

Ruth could've gone back to her family and started a new life, but she chose to stay with Naomi. I know it also demonstrates Ruth's character and commitment, but I would imagine that Naomi probably also had something about her that caused Ruth to want to adopt her faith. Naomi also demonstrated her care in helping Ruth find a new husband- Boaz, an older man but a godly man.

This is something I thought was worth considering... asking myself if I'm continually putting God first in all the aspects of my life. A hard one to do though huh?

Anyway. Just love it when there's parts in the Bible that suddenly seem to make so much sense or speak to us where we are at. I guess that is a way God speaks to us and comforts us through His word.

Hmmm...

Hope you are having a good weekend.

Wat Yo Talkin' 'Bout Girl?

This post is written in reference to my last post- More Than a Broken Window.

My friend asked me questions around the lines of, why do I need to mourn the idea of motherhood now, when there are still possibilities for the future? (I think that's what you meant, A? I hope so, haha.) And that is a fair enough question cos' I know it sounds like I'm shutting things down too early...

(Okay. Honestly it feels like I could write a book on this so I'm trying to stick to the point. I hope this makes some sort of sense.)

There are a few 'levels' to what I mean...

One is, it is specific to adoption, like in desiring this future-child, I need to deal with certain aspects of motherhood, like that I won't have that pregnant-to-birth experience, along with him/her not resembling us. This is a more obvious one which you probably already figured.

Two is, for me, I actually delved into the grief of not being a mother right from the start- like right when I found out about my not-so-useful ovaries.

I know this seems a little weird drama or premature (as I am 'young' and there are reproductive technologies, etc.) and it may sound like I lost hope but that is not at all what I mean. My hope recharges all the time- probably only cos' God does it for me and along with that maternal desire He's put in many of us women.

I think when I say,"I grieve the thought of never conceiving, carrying and giving birth and having kids" (or a similar statement), I mean it because it is a reality for me TODAY. Yes, the future may bring something different (and in some ways it already has, as I have conceived previously), but it is my way of accepting my TODAY and making myself give it up to God, because I really don't know what the future holds- no one does. It is a version of 'acceptance' rather than denial- and maybe sorta extreme, which I know is not how everyone processes, but maybe is my way of dealing with this.

It is like a thing that I need to constantly do to think beyond the idea to be a mother, because just maybe that will be my life. I have to untangle myself from seeing a lot of my identity as a woman with being a mother...it is like a way to survive or move forward I think... like making a decision that there is more to life with or without kids... does this make any sense?

Three, not sure if this is even relevant to the question but may help... going through infertility is a hard one to describe.

I think it is like other examples of processing pain/suffering/when-bad-stuff-happens type issues.

(The husband gave me the idea for the following.) Maybe it is like when someone loses their leg, due to disease or accident. Their world changes. You can't do everyday things the same, your job prospects change because you used to be in a physical job, your social life changes because it is hard to go dancing every week, your house layout has to accomodate, you only need to buy half a pair of shoes...  your identity and your perspective on what you thought life was going to be is significantly shifted.

One day, you get a new artificial leg that works like 'as good' (or if you are a Kiwi, is 'good as'), that is fab and all- life may even be way better, you may climb mountains for a living and get tons of cash. But it doesn't take away the fact that your 'right' or 'normality' of having two legs is no longer there. It is not a given. Your definition of you is no longer the same. You have to be defined by something more than that.

Sure, you now have two legs again and are doing great but the world looks very different because you have experienced that loss or that 'change of plan' and it doesn't simply just 'rewind' to the day before your accident. (Though you do wonder what it'd be like if it did.)

I think this is sorta like an illustration of infertility for me.

My head tends to always be full of thoughts and words, so this may have been babbly. Hope this makes sense. What do you think?

More Than a Broken Window

Can everything be replaced?

Here's a post that got me thinking the other day. (The original post is here by Lori, who writes a great blog, though heart-breaking at times.)

It is about 'replacing children', with reference to the biblical book of Job... when you lose a child through pregnancy/miscarriage loss, some will say one way to get over it is to get pregnant again and have your next child... and yes I can understand where that thought would come from, as it probably helps life to keep going, but that does that really solve it? I think it helps you think about something else... But both are separate and different little lives that are special.

In the original post, Lori is thinking through it because she lost her baby last year and here she is pregnant again around the same time of the year, and it is so confusing.

It can be taken to another level too when we consider the whole idea of adoption. I know for me I need to mourn the idea of conceiving, carrying a baby in the womb and a baby that looks like the husband and me as we journey on with adoption. I've already been doing that since I've been on this infertility road- with all my issues, it just isn't always going to be clear, and will be a continual kind of grief, because you never really 'get over it' I don't think.

Hmmm... yes. This is kinda an incomplete thought! (Just thought to share the links for now cos' sometimes I take so long to produce a post and spit it out!)

Unfinished Business

Kutless sings this song called "I'm Still Yours" and in it there are beautiful lines, some are similar to questions that I have also been asking myself these past few years...

When my life is not what I expected

The plans I made have failed

When there’s nothing left to steal me away

Will You be enough for me?

Will my broken heart still sing?

(More lyrics here.)

And I think the truth is that it will remain a question. I will continue to ask that of myself- and have to make that daily decision quite possibly for the rest of my life.
 
Don't get me wrong, I don't doubt my relationship with Christ and His love for us. My view of God has not been shaken and in fact, my understanding of Him has deepened.

He is a faithful God, but what about me?
 
I still remain a broken person, full of crap-o-la baggage, so it doesn't mean that it makes it any easier to trust Him in the times when things are so not what you thought they should be and you have no control over it. You know what I mean?
 
...
 
I love that the song ends with the whole idea that regardless of my response to God... I'm still Yours.

His infinite wide arms of grace overpowers my small whatevers.
 
Have a listen. Hope it speaks to you too.

Ten Things Around 10 A.M.

(I'm no saint, but I figure this is a good exercise for me to do as I have an overactive mind and can get obsessed or occupied by things that are immediately in my path, and not notice some other things that maybe happening. This is a good way for me to remind myself what God is doing along the way. )

Ten things I'm thanking God for today:

1. Lost and Found: My engagement ring diamond went missing the other night! I was horrified to see just the empty claws holding nothing! Felt quite sick that I'd lost this precious gift from the husband.

ugh

However, the next day, the husband miraculously found it under the desk at our work. (The claws had worn down and it popped out! Scary.) Phew. So relieved.

2. Even if we didn't find it, it would have sucked, but it would've been okay. Thankful for the husband (who found it but also) was trying to tell me it didn't really matter, at the end of the day it is just a piece of jewellery.

3. My mother, also known as Mrs K, who is waiting to patiently for grandkids from me but is trying not to put any pressure and has tried her best to be so gentle about it, reminding me to continue to wait on God.

4. Also thankful for her food. She gives us lots of food to bring home, even after we've visited her on Sunday nights to have dinner at her house. This week she gave me hamburger patties and this is our burger (with egg and bacon for extra protein- as if we need it haha- so yummy though!)

5. Ballet Class. So exciting! I went to do an adult ballet class this week. I have been looking forward to trying it out as it is something I used to do as a girl and still do enjoy. I'm waaaaay rusty of course, but the other women were not super experienced either, so it was good. (I'm hoping it will be a good attention diverter from some of the intense life stuff going on... may not always be able to go because of work, but still good to know there is a class I can attend and feel comfortable in)

6. Learning to laugh- still. I have to share that at this ballet class that was meant to take my mind off things, there was a pregnant lady! (Probably just like four months or something, just a little bump. Definitely was cos' someone mentioned it, not my imagination.) I have to admit, mid-jete, when I realised, I was a tad horrified because I so was wanting it to be a place where I could just relax and not think about baby-stuff... but somehow it will follow me wherever I go. It probably is a little silly thinking I can totally avoid it. I told the husband when I got home and we just had to sigh and laugh about it.

7. We bought this magnetic knife holder thing almost a year ago. We don't have IKEA here and we got it from IKEA in Gold Coast last year and lugged it home in our suitcases along with a duvet cover set, clocks and a heart-shaped mirror (yes... not kidding. Don't laugh too hard. Would've put shelving units in it too if I could've). Anyway, the husband finally put it up for me. Pretty stoked!

8. My friend C. She is a great encourager and cheerleader. She is trying so hard to understand this journey I'm on, and yet it is hard for her too as she hasn't had to experience the same issues. She was so impacted by the last post's video clip that she shared it on her FB page! This was so that others can also learn more about the difficulties of infertility stuff. I was very touched and encouraged.

9. Music. I love listening to music- all sorts! At the moment, because of where I'm at, I'm finding that bands like Casting Crowns are more helpful for me to listen to than others. It soothes my soul and reminds me that I need to let God take the driver's seat. It helps my mind zoom out to the bigger picture in life- where we are at with Christ. It also brings me to tears because trusting God is the hardest thing to do, especially cos' there has been so much heartache.

10. Random friendships I'm making on this (often-unwanted) journey... people from church, friends of friends, other bloggers, long-time friends who I'm reconnecting with. I'm surprised by how it has opened up new conversations and new depths in relationships.

God has definitely been good to me.

(started this post just before 10am but now it is almost 10:30. haha. oh well.)

Guessing Games

Sometimes I wonder what people think of me. Um... hold on. Sometimes? Maybe more like very often. Being 'not good enough' is a big fear of mine. (I have a lot of thoughts on that topic of 'significance'... but we'll leave it for another day haha.) With infertility stuff, this takes a slightly different form.

More specifically what I'm thinking about today is that I think about reasons others may think of about why I don't have children yet. Do you do this too?

I think I do it because if I'm honest, I am sure I did this to others when I was younger and less experienced with life. I wondered why they didn't have kids and sort of guessed answers for them. It is that whole thing of wanting answers, almost any answers. As if God's plans need my defending.

These same reasons now sometimes float around in my head and they are tempting to believe in as it would give me something. SOMETHING. To answer the Question of Why. Here's a sample:

• I'm not motherly enough. I'm not going to be a good mother. That's why I can't have kids...
• I'm not good with kids, I won't be good with mine...
• I can't handle things I've already been given (like housework haha), so I don't have the 'capacity' (sorta hate that word) to be a mother, as that is a lot of work.
• I'm not a multi-tasker and mothers need to be able to do that...
• Something's going to happen to us. What would happen to the baby if we had one?

Depressing right?! I know, but they hit close to home, and I think sometimes I want to guess God's mind, and so I bring Him down to my level, and I conclude that, "That's it! Those must be the reasons."

At times I try to come up with holier reasons, like the work I do will be more impactful if somehow I don't have kids, as they are distracting blah blah. (As if it isn't distracting now...)

Thankfully God is larger than all my winces, whimpers and whines. I love that He is a God of exactly that- all my unending random thoughts and insecurities. All my ugly criticisms. GRRRR. All my desperate grasps for more answers...

Anyway, I wanted to share this because I just thought if some days you think like this too, you are not alone. Oh Lord help me to dwell on what is right and true!

(Used this photo before. But thought I'd use it again. Just so ugly that it makes me laugh!)