Photos from December

Okay so I'm just all over the place with blogging right now. I don't know what to do! Here are some recent pics of us from December...

'Just brushin' teeth with balls stuck in my shirt.'

This was him playing with dad's ear muffs. Priceless. 

This just makes me laugh!

Everytime.

Reading what's on special this week... 

The best part about the nativity sets- the polystyrene... 

Toby's little Christmas tree. 

Us by our tree. Love our Christmas tree!

Toby got this scooter/car from his grandparents and immediately was standing on it!

No way you are going to be a stuntman when you grow up.

Went to the zoo. Beautiful summer day! 

At the kid's activity-area of the zoo. Couldn't get him to look at the camera!

The husband's birthday. That's little chocolate bars on his cake- cos' he is a candy-nut.

Help with brushing Sammy. 

First Post of the Year

How is your new year going? 

I don't think I even finished listening to all my Christmas music... yet here we are! Over a week into January. 

My blogging skills have definitely deteriorated now that my posts are so few and far between. I can't even think of what to focus on. So here we go back to point form.

1. It is a beautiful summer day here in Auckland. 

2. Toby and I got to go to the park and play with all these fun outdoor toys- the local council sets these up over summer and they travel around to various parks, today was the one by our house! He was addicted to a little blue car with a door that opens and closes. He doesn't know how to use his feet to 'walk' the car, to move it, so I had to push. But really we didn't really drive it much. We spent most of the time getting in and out, in and out, in and out. 

3. He is now eighteen months. 18. Getting too big and hard to carry for long. But I want to because he's my baby! Hard to see him get big so fast. Yet awesome too. 

4. Toby and I are starting to have mini-conversations. Like:

T: Daddy?

S: Daddy's at work. 

T: Daddy, har (car), voom (vroom). 

S: Yes, daddy takes the car to work. He works at the gym.

T: Daddy, har. Gym. 

5. Some frequently heard words from Toby these days are:

- Bus, school bus, car, mommy's car, daddy's car, dog, truck, dump truck, big truck, man, post man, bike, hat, van, nee-naw-nee-naw (fire engine), tractor, etc. 

Yes. The transport theme is very strong around here. 

6. We had a good Christmas. Did you?

Our Christmases are fairly low-key since the husband's family is not here, and my one brother too. It is kinda nice and sad at the same time. We like that it isn't too busy, but miss them definitely! We do get 'adopted' into our friends' Christmas celebrations though, which is always a plus. 

We're big on Christmas gifts around here- the husband and I. We know there's more to the meaning of Christmas but we embrace the gift-giving with open arms. Toby got a truckload from various grandparents/relatives/us, and on the whole really liked opening them! 

7. I'm always trying to figure out how best to be focussed on Christ at Christmas and I admit it is not easy with so many things going on. Any thoughts? Let me know. 

8. With becoming a mother, I've found it hard to visualise the year ahead, as with a toddler, it is such a day-today type of living. Not sure if many moms find that, but that's me. 

So I came up with a brilliant idea (I think so) where I've given each of the next twelve months a title/theme. Just like how December is often focussed on Christmas, I've kept some of the 'natural' ones... just added a few more of my own (April is My Month, June is Toby Month, March is Easter Month) and some random ones (Silly Month, Encouragement Month, Try-something-new Month). 

This helps each month be a bit more jazzed up and exciting. Or just something for me to focus on and maybe breaks up all the things I 'want to accomplish' into months, which might actually mean I get some things done? 

9. I also have done something similar for cooking, as like most, I get to 3 or 4pm and panic about dinner. So I've made January randomly Mexican, then there's American, Japanese, etc. Birthday months tend to be what our favourite cuisine is kinda thing... It is not a strict ruling, just a way to encourage me to be creative and try new things/re-do things I forgot about. We'll see if that helps with the meal ideas! 

10. Besides blogging, the other thing I don't do as much now is read. I blame a lot of things, but probably just a me-not-giving-it-time thing haha. Anyway. I'm good at starting books but the real issue is finishing. So. I recently finished a book. Accomplishment. 

I read 'Inconceivable' by Ben Elton. It is a humorous fiction novel, British, about a couple who are dealing with infertility... and the impact it has on marriage and every corner of their lives really. It is super funny but also pretty crass at times! 

My friend gave it to me a couple years ago, and I have to admit I was nervous to read it as I wasn't sure how raw it would be. Plus coming from a friend who had not dealt with infertility and had enjoyed it, I wasn't sure how to receive it. But it was good and there are bits of it that are really sweet and hilarious. Then there are parts that are relatable-to and painful. Recommend if you can read past the crude bits. 

11. I'm also reading 'A Common Thread' compiled by Catherine Sylvester. Which is a collection of real-life stories about infertility, loss, adoption, etc. It is Christian-based, so has a lot of depth and heartbreaking bits to it too. 

I've stayed away from serious infertility books for a while, as they are of course heavy and too close to the heart sometimes, but I always enjoy them at the end of the day, because they mean so much to me. Does that make sense? 

12. I'm also reading 'Run Fat B*tch Run' by Ruth Field. Yes. That's the title. Those British again. 

I know I'm not fat (tricky word) and I already do run (sometimes when I have a goal haha), so I'm not necessarily the target audience for this book. But I was just curious as I had read that a lot of women were motivated by it so I just wanted to know why. It is extreme but I like her sense of humour. And there are a few really interesting/good pointers she gives in it. So far. I haven't finished haha. 

13. Then there are two other books that I've been working on finishing for the past year. My husband laughs at all this. 

14. Okay so if you are still with me, it has taken me this long (13 points and maybe one hour?) to warm up and I'm just starting to get into writing some more sensible and fascinating stuff (we hope). But precious naptime is almost over and I should go. 

15. Any new year thoughts/goals/hopes? I was wanting to talk about some but that'll take me another hour to think about properly and type up. 

Have a great week. 

"So. Big Gulps."

Hello! I'm here!

How many times have I said that?

Unfortunately there has been a big pause. Not that there hasn't been things to talk about. There's never things I run out of wanting to say. I sooo want to keep this blog going but I'm doing a terrible job of it.

If you guys are still out there, thanks for reading. I appreciate you so much. If not, that's ok. I probably won't know.

Last night I could not sleep because I had too much caffeine. If two cups of tea could be considered too much! I'm useless at caffeine I tell ya. I thought of all the things I wanted to do!

So I thought I'd try my best to capture some of that urgency by doing a quick post now.

Life is really much the same. Except Toby is 16 months now. I know. Huge.

He's really chatty and walks fast (can't quite run just yet)... and we love him to bits.

(messy at meals)

(busy busy always busy)

Do you remember me saying I was going to do a marathon? Well I did it! 4 hours and 47 minutes later... I got to the finish line! It was a big day.

 I feel so proud of myself and was so filled with emotion finishing it. I could not have done it without my running-mate KP who did it with me- trained with me for the last three months and cheered me on endlessly. (She pretty much cheered the whole marathon troupe on- we had people stopping to ask her how she had so much energy!)

(evidence that I did run it)

I also could not have done it without the husband as it has been his commitment as much as mine... As well as all my other super encouraging friends and fam. Some of which were there on the day cheering on us from the sidelines. What a difference it made!

(us and our medals and um... free stuff at the end)

And just to let you know I have not done much since. Haha worst 'down-training' ever. My one foot has been hurting so I'm resting it. That's what I'm saying. 

I went to a Coldplay concert on Saturday night here in Auckland. That was my other 30th birthday 'thing', besides the marathon. I spent my birthday money on the ticket and it was (so expensive but) totally awesome. I actually had some kind of awful bug the night before and was sure I wouldn't make it but I did! I loved it. There was confetti, blow-up lanterns, fireworks, lots of colour and they sounded great.

(Have to admit I sorta got nervous prior when I saw that they were coming on stage at 9pm and nowadays I am really trying to get ready for bed by then haha.)

Not to end on a downer but just on a different note, the last couple days have been interesting for me too as I've felt more emotional about the anniversary of one of the babies we lost (today, 12 November, 3 years ago).

This has actually quite taken me by surprise as I really have not been that focused on it. (This is my safe place where I say stuff, so it might seem like I talk about it a lot if you are reading my posts in one sitting ever.)

But God has really shown me His love through loss and I do cling to that. I just find it curious that it doesn't take much for me to feel that deep heartache- such as when I'm playing with Toby and realise that I won't get to know Baby N like this... or a song that reminds me...

Anyway. Bought beautiful flowers today to commemorate the memory. Looking forward to seeing the peonies bloom. Yay!

Life in general is good but filled up with just normal life things! How do people do it? I'm obviously such a terrible juggler of roles. I haven't even showered today- thought that was supposed to be a 'mother of newborn baby' problem! (9pm right now people.)

I think because I do things like run people think I'm a super-mom. Honestly the comments I got from achieving that marathon-goal were of course lovely to get but also a little misled maybe!

Life is messy. My house is messy.

I love it though. I love having Toby and being able to be his mother. Thankful for that definitely.

How are you doing?

13 months

These past few days, Toby has started walking. Oh me oh my! It has been really brilliant seeing him take one step. Then two steps the next day. Then a couple more the next.

I don't know when you classify a child as 'walking' but I'm quite sure he has started. And so he is thirteen months. Thought I should write it down somewhere- here is a good place!

We had a great time away in Canada and the US. We were in three cities and stayed in four houses over about 3+ weeks. Toby was a trooper and survived it all. We did get sick at one point and that was a big bummer but you can't prepare or prevent that so we just had to roll with it.

He got to celebrate his birthday three times! The first was pre-birthday, with extended Canadian family and sort of also a great reason for a get-together. The second was on his actual birthday just with the husband's immediate family, which was a small celebration, special and cosy. The third was post-birthday and post-trip, here in NZ, where we did more of a 'party' with little kids- invited some friends and family.

I know he will remember none of it but it was awesome getting to celebrate and know how loved we are and he is.

I have sooooo many photos to organise. Here are a few of the various 'cakes' we got to have!

Thank you grandma for this cake #1!

Healthy muffins with a creamy frosting for cake #2...

And thank you our awesome friend Ch for teaching me how to ice this sock monkey cake. woopwoop!

Toby is starting to say some words too like:

- Dad

- Ball

- Spoon

- Stick

- Bath

- Door

Some sound the same though... 

He can also do a couple hand-signs like 'please' and 'more' and 'all done' if you convince him to do it... haha.

It has been fascinating to see him learn and watch his brain 'click' when you tell him stuff. It has also been hard knowing what to do about bad behaviour, etc. I do get a bit concious that I'm saying NO a lot! 

He's pretty chatty and becoming very busy. He isn't too much of a speed demon though, which is nice as it gives me time to get to him if something needs diversion. He takes a while to warm up in new places and with new people, but he seems quite chilled overall. We'll see what he continues to grow up to be like.

It is hard to get a good photo of him these days! Here's one with a semi-smile.

I'm wondering a lot about how you pass on your faith to your child, I mean how to live and everyday life that includes communicating your walk with Jesus Christ. I'm sure it comes out of your own... which maybe says something about me because I'm struggling to know how to do this in parenting terms. Do I make sense? Anyway. Maybe a good topic for another post. 

As usual, so many thoughts to convey, so few brain cells left working. Are you watching the Olympics? I'm going to go do that for a little bit right now! 

Almost a Year Old

Toby is almost one- just two weeks to go!

We fly tomorrow to Canada and the U.S. for 3.5 weeks. I'm nervous and excited at the same time.

Life has been busybusy... but as I walk around my house filled with random containers (good toys), non-sticky stickers and bits of cardboard boxes (good toys too)...  I realise I am living my dream. I have a son. He is getting big fast.

About a month ago was Mother's Day and I got a nice breakfast in bed. And a couple weeks ago we dedicated Toby at church. Our pastor made it very personal for us and it was special. Both were days I kinda half-wanted-half-dreaded but they were very sweet.

Interestingly we dedicated Toby on the due date of one of our previous babies. We didn't realise it till after it was planned! I think God does weird things like that. Maybe just to remind me He knows. He knows and remembers.

And truth is since Toby was born, I've thought about the 'next' child. I try not to too much but I also can't help it! Thankfully I'm not too obsessed with it right now. I want to enjoy Toby and I am!

People ask about having a 'second' and I still never quite know what to say. I don't know if I'm fertile. I'd love another but we all know it is not that straightforward. In my head I have a deadline. I'm thinking we will see the specialists when we hit that deadline- I think.

Anyway. Life is good. We are thankful we are able to go on this big trip to see family and friends as well as some ministry supporters. I hope Toby will behave on the long plane rides. Without shame, I have armed myself with drowsy meds for him if we need it. I'll let you know how it goes.

Toby will turn one while we are in Canada which will be super special. I'm thinking through what sort of celebration to have when we come home and have a little party for our friends and family here. I am terrible because I love ideas but I get overwhelmed with all the details. Grrrr.

Well, back to the packing I go...

Here are some photos.

 (Toby with his cardboard car. Looking a tad homeless with the socks falling off...)

 (We went to the zoo as a little family and advance-birthday activity.)

 (Us at the zoo.)

 (Nap-face. Awesome overalls from Ch!)

(What? There's a Toby in there too?- Us at the mall playground. Can't believe he's old enough to like it. Ahhhh!)

 

 (Monkey and monkey.)

 (Overdosing on blueberries, after having kiwifruit... hehe)

 (Prepping the bath by loading it up with bath toys.)

Toby - 9 months

I'm here! I'm just terrible at blogging right now.

How are you doing?

Today we ended daylight savings which means winter is coming. We had lunch at the beach and it was gorgeous- don't do that much so was glad we did. Funny how you rush to make the most of it when you know it is ending.

Toby turned nine months a few days ago. He also started proper crawling about a week ago.

He's still a pretty relaxed little fellow and I'm so thankful for that.

He's developing as a small person which is incredible to watch. He likes to say aaaah at the end of 'row row row your boat' when you are supposed to scream, and he plays peekaboo with a cloth we use to wipe his face after dinner. Like he holds it up himself! Super cute!

Blows me away what and how he's learning.

Here are some instagrammed pics.

Stuff and Things and Misc.

Just for a bit of fun, and non-seriousness... Here are some random everyday things about me/us/going-ons. 

Toby is now more established on solids. He isn't a massive eater, but here are some things he's tried:

carrots, pumpkin, kumara (sweet potato), avocado, peas, corn, chicken, beef, pork, apple, pear, nectarine, peach, banana, prune, apricot, pasta, rice, oats, egg, custard, zuchinni (or courgettes), capsicum, spinach, broccoli, etc... sounds like a lot when I list it out... 

Toby has a sock monkey that he has to have to go to bed, along with his thumb. It is super cute but also means we have to make sure Socks is around. Now we have two. Thankfully Socks is a Beanie Baby and we found another him on ebay- yay for mass produced toys! 

I got a new USB drive for our photos the other day. Okay for Toby's photos really. I'm paranoid that our computer will crash and we'll lose them. Especially after losing our Christmas photos as I left my camera at the beach when we were on holiday- painful. I started loading them yesterday but I realised that just from 2011 (he was born in July), we already have 6GB of photos! Ridiculous. I mean, given I haven't really gone through properly and deleted the crappy ones... that's still a lot of photos. And I only got a 16GB thingy. 

Camera suggesions anyone? Just a basic easy-peasy kinda one. 

(This is Toby as a 'baa-baa black sheep' but it didn't really turn out great as he kept moving. Fair enough. I'm still proud of my other work where I made him look like a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup!)

Tomorrow I'm going to get a manicure with my friend C. The husband got me a voucher for Christmas and I'm excited to be using it. Plus I haven't hung out with her for ages and it is much needed. (Only bummer is on Monday I couldn't remember why I had such long nails, as I usually keep them short, so I snipped them all off. Then right after that I realised I was keeping them long for the manicure appointment so they could trim them nicely and so maybe I could maybe get French-tipped ones... OH WELL.)

You know how I like to shop? Well since becoming a mom I've lost all ability to think when I'm in a mall. I think I have so much pent-up shoppingness that when I get to do it, I just don't know where to start. Probably a good thing for everybody. 

The other morning I used my husband's toothbrush by accident. How? I don't know- it was a totally different colour to mine. He's got a new toothbrush now. 

I'm in dire need for a blog design lesson. I did some html stuff at university but that was like seven whole years ago! Ugh. Any tips on where to start? 

Last night I lay in bed thinking about this post, like what to write (yes I do that a lot), but I don't remember what I was wanting to say (do have a writing pad beside my bed for those brilliant moments but didn't use it of course) so that's me for today. 

Have a great weekend!  

Ten (plus one) things at 10PM

I've been wanting to write more about what life is like as a mother. Here's a list of ten.

1. When you have a baby, you are forced to live in the NOW. Someone else said this and I found it so correct. It is a huge brain adjustment!

2. It can get lonely. Not in the socialising sense, but because as the main caregiver, you're the main one your baby needs (and needs a lot) and it is a peculiar thing to experience. You might have a lot in common with other moms but it is still different. I'm not sure how much this makes sense!

3. It is truly hard to think of other things. My brain is full to the brim of things relating to the home or Toby (food, naps, things to do, things to buy, things to plan), and I have to really concentrate (or write a lot of lists) to make sure I'm thinking of the other major things in my life too. Not that we should feel the pressure to be super.

4. But the pressure to be super-woman is there. Some days it feels like you've only done the dishes all day. Or you didn't even take a shower. And you feel like looking after your child was not a good enough achievement, even when you know it is.

5. It is awesome. I have a baby. I have a son. He is growing a tooth at the moment. He is growing up fast!

6. It is a lot of fun learning all the quirks and observing how Toby does new things everyday. It is amazing!

7. Experiencing the 'growing up fast' thing first hand is interesting. There is such a tension wanting your child to grow up yet not wanting them to do that at the same time!

8. I fear sounding greedy but seeing people pregnant starts to get hard again. Or things like talking with new mom friends about how they got pregnant can be painful... because most people don't know what our story was like and I can't expect them to can I!

9. Sadly some days I'm just as critical as I ever was when I see families with a few children. I assume that it has been easier for them than it has been for me. Back to being all about me!

10. Insecurity. With change, my insecurities seem to show up. These past seven months I've noticed that they have. Maybe combined with hormones. Maybe combined with the tiredness. Maybe combined with change in relationships like marriage, etc.

11. On a lighter note, you get to really love some products and things around the home like baby wipes. OH MY. Awesome invention. And cups- stacking cups, coloured cups, plastic cups. Toby loves them so I love them... haha!

Anyway. I know I listed a few things that seem 'negative' but that's not what I intended to do. It is just what's been real for me. I wouldn't change my current situation for anything in the world.

And totally. Feel free to tell me off if I'm taking my mom-hood for granted.

Toby - 7 mths

Thanks for all your thoughts guys I appreciate them so much.

Toby is 7 months (eeks). Here is a little update and a bunch of pics.

(I LOVE this pic!) We can kind of sit up but sometimes mom looks away and... bonk!

This was our first plane ride... to Wellington for a wedding. 

(Airplane bib was actually not planned!)

We did really good and just slept for most of it- phew. Now we'll see about that long-distance one to Canada in June... 

Camo-stripey pjs.

Eat everything.

Chub-baby legs.

Swimming is a bit intimidating but we're warming up to it... 

Nice to have dad with us.

We're getting good on our belly and now we're lifting our hips too! We can sorta slide backwards.

Happy Chinese New Year Toby! (with grandma)

What to do!

Since getting pregnant (which is like a long long time ago), I think I have been confused about what to do with this blog. I'm sure my posts reflect that too!

My original intention was clear- I wanted this to be a place for me to talk about infertility and miscarriage but also for others to maybe feel less alone by reading about it too.

Of course it has given me a place to write things I would not know how to express in real life too.

Now that I am a mom to Toby, most of my every day experiences are about him or with him. Yet I find myself holding back talking too much about him because I've wanted to keep my original intentions with this blog. Which doesn't really work for a blog does it?

I wonder if I just need to let my blogging reflect that I'm a parent. Like starting a new chapter... though a bit delayed haha (which is so me!)

I guess that's also where the website idea comes into play. I'm still hoping I (and the husband) can be helpful to those going through infertility and miscarriage in some way. I feel like I still have lots I can put into a resource of some sort, especially for Christian women in New Zealand. So maybe that's where I can put all that thought/emotion and experience. Hmmm?

Honest thoughts welcome!

Celebrating

(Thank you Ch for the lovely time!)

These last few days we've had American Thanksgiving (joined in with some friends who are like family), it was our seventh wedding anniversary and today it is Toby's 5th month birthday (is that how you say it)!

SO much to celebrate and give thanks for.

Thankful for all the good things in life like food, friends, mom who babysits, cute movies like Arthur Christmas (that's what we watched on our night out haha), groupon-type vouchers (that's what we had for our anniversary meal- wasn't great but we did have three courses which was fun!) and a sweet baby.

I also got to go to a baby shower of a friend who is having a baby after waiting for a time, and having one miscarriage. We got to know each other via our little prayer group at church! It was a special shower and so exciting. It was also neat to know that the prayer support meant so much to her and her family. God does cool things.

Here are some pics.

I love you despite the mo.

Toby today.

Toby the other day looking a little crazy after testing out some pumpkin on him.

Toby's place setting at his Thanksgiving dinner. (Though he spent most of it on the floor trying to roll around...)

Hanging with dad.