10 Things at Ten ish.

I've wanted to 'take stock' of things I'm thankful for, especially things that infertility and miscarriage have 'taught' me. I know it is easy to just list them now, but going through them is a totally different story... but I kinda wanted to remind myself of things that being child-less or child-free has allowed me to do or learn or appreciate more... Here we go.

1. Today I'm going to a wedding (yup get to dress up again!) and I don't have to deal with figuring out kids or babysitting. (Not always sure about what to do with my hair though...)

2. The husband and I have been married for 6.5 years. The plan was to have kids after 2-3 years. Yet, I love how our relationship has grown in this time and I think in ways we never could've planned, due to being without children. I don't take that for granted.

3. We can do whatever. we. want. with our days and evenings- like go for a drive, eat random food cos' I wasn't organised enough, buy random second-hand things on trademe and go pick them up easily, etc.

4. You can laugh but I think getting Sammy the dog (which I orginally/stubbornly did not want to do until after having kids! Then realised I may not know when I'd have kids...) has been a great transition for us to dealing with children.

Dear Sammy has brought the following... Dirty carpet, weird smells, need to be fed, needs fresh water, needs needs needs, loud whining in the morning, high need for attention, needs a sitter if away from home for too long, needs telling off, etc, which is good for someone like me to get used to.

5. Having been through fertility treatment and small surgeries, I'm so much more okay with things that would usually be awkward for me (which hopefully will come in handy for birthing oh gosh).

Talking about intimate/sensitive issues, flashing intimate parts of the body (sometimes more than a flash), being poked and prodded, dealing with also bodily fluids you don't want to talk about, etc.

6. We've gotten to spend time (and money) making the house look cool, which is something I enjoy and have really appreciated. I just have so many ideas and am glad we've gotten to do some of them. Things that would take time and effort I probably wouldn't have a lot of if I had small children... like putting frames up, painting things, getting a new couch, weird crafts that get left in the cupboard, etc.

7. I've learnt to appreciate certain special days and holidays more. I think because a lot of them revolve around the idea of 'family' and more so families-with-children, it forces me to re-evaluate why they are important in the first place. Or also to figure out how to celebrate them regardless of the 'children' part- especially ones like Christmas, Easter, etc...

8. As much as I've cried more in the last few years than in my whole lifetime put together, I think we've also been forced to laugh. (Probably still learning that as I can be a hard one to make laugh!)

You have to laugh about the path you never thought you'd be on- sex-within-a-timeframe (uh... honey... the doc says the follicles are lookin'-good... we might need to go home NOW...), injection needles in your cupboard, drugs in your fridge, pelvic ultrasounds with male gynes you've never met and the husband right there too, the fact that you have to PAY money for a chance to conceive, etc.

9. I think I've also gained great empathy for others, especially with learning to grieve or wait or deal with prayers that seem on hold. I am (I hope) more sensitive to those who are going through a hard time, have lost loved ones, who would like to be married but aren't, and of course others dealing with infertility and miscarriage.

10. Lastly, the world takes on a different colour. I've learnt so see things from a different perspective. A hard one to explain huh. Maybe on a deeper-level sort of way. Kinda like a stronger desire to see things from God's perspective and curious about how He deals with the heartbroken... I'm not sure!

Anyway. That's me for today. Better go get ready! (Will try post more photos later!)

How to Heart a Hardware store

Marriage takes a deeper plunge too when you are dealing with infertility and loss. I have learnt a lot about how I know very little about the male psyche and how it functions, but miraculously we eventually do get to conclusions together (probably more by the grace of God than by normal resolve haha)... but I'll leave that for another day.

The husband and I are trying to make sure we spend time with each other. Like everyone else, life is busy and it is easy to let things go with the flow, then suddenly you realise you haven't really connected for a while.

Yesterday we were supposed to go for a walk outside, but because it was raining (when is it not?), the husband convinced me to go to the hardware store with him instead, since he had a small list of things to buy. His thought was that we could do our 'walk' there. (Right.)

Anyway. I went. He had good intentions and it was something to do together which is always nice, especially these days when things can feel a bit doom-and-gloom-ish.

But, it also gave me an idea. Here's a list of things you can do if you find yourself at hardware stores too, and believe me, I'm a pro. (I married a man who has car projects, yard projects, home projects- some my fault, don't-throw-away-that-I-can-fix-it projects, that have gone for longer than a year simultaneously, and yes, we have had meals in the garage.)

Here in NZ we have Mitre 10 Mega and Bunnings Warehouse- I think these are a close equivalent to Home Depot?

THE (girly) WIFE'S SURVIVAL GUIDE TO HARDWARE STORES

1. Wear comfy shoes, you never know how long you might be there.

2. Bring your phone- could be a good time to catch up on texts in between waiting for the husband to select the right kind of rivet.

3. If you are the academic kind, memorise what they have and where everything goes, it might make it faster to find something for the next time round, because you will probably be back.

4. Take note of things to get him for birthdays and Christmas. This is a hard one but yes, pay close attention.

5. Find the sections you like and go to them every time you go there so that you don't have to go where the husband goes, where everything looks the same- nail-like.

I personally enjoy looking at 'storage solutions' (plastic boxes, laundry baskets, cupboards, shelving), kitchens (for ideas), bathrooms, doors (could make a headboard out of a door), wood moulding (someone's framed a mirror with that stuff), plant pots (giant teapots are my favourite), etc. I don't really like power tools, hardware, gardening, lighting, etc... but that's just me for now.

6. Keep walking. Might as well get a bit of exercise while you are there.

7. Sometimes they sell massive bags of washing detergent/random other cleaning product like that- why not calculate if it actually is cheaper to get those than the smaller portions you get at the supermarket. That's one I've been meaning to do.

8. Ask someone for help if you or the husband need a hand. There might be a small scuffle between the two of you because either one will always claim they don't need help but it saves time (and your marriage)- that's if you can find a staff person in the giant land of metal shelving.

9. If you are feeling brave, there often is a child-proofing section, so you can plan what you'd buy there one day, or how you'd be such a great parent that the sound of your voice would turn them away from the doorknob so you wouldn't need that stuff. Of course, if that is too overwhelming to daydream about, which is often is for me, then please don't. Take that as a warning instead- so if you see baby-gate, run.

10. If you lose the husband, don't bother looking. It never turns up any finds and he's probably not ready to go anyway- still figuring out which type of wood is best. Maybe go buy some saws and sculpting tools so you can use them in the kitchen for baking like on Ace of Cakes. (Love.)

11. The paint sample cards can be semi-fascinating. They are free so you can collect a few everytime you go past and make them into some craft project at home like a piece of art (like this dress) or design your own greeting cards.

12. If all else fails, turn to food. Some stores now have cafes in them but if not, there are bags of lollies at the checkout counters, or sometimes there are sausage sizzles going outside so go have one, or two.

BlogLite

How is your weekend going? It is Sunday here. (I'm supposed to be making something for tonight for when I go to my mom's for dinner, but here I am trying to squeeze in a post.)

I'm trying to keep things a little lighter. (Not sure if that is possible because I think about a lot of stuff, probably over-think yes, and over-analyse yes, as that is also just a big part of who I am! But I'm trying to consciously take it easy on the heart and brain... focus on some fun things.)

Well... I've also been advised by our counsellor friend to try and chill, while I'm waiting for the next couple weeks, so I'm working on it!

I love lists, here's one:

1. Last week I got an award! The 'Versatile Blogger Award' from Grace at Chois-R-Us. Yay! Thanks so much. My first ever. Feel pretty stoked about that. WOW! (Sorry haven't had a good opportunity to respond to it yet though...)

2. On Thursday I was doing some errands in the mall and decided to have an ice-cream cone. Chose peppermint-chocolate chip. SO GOOD. Reminded me of when I was a girl becuase I used to have that flavour all the time (not totally sure why, but I did)... Ice-cream is so going to be in heaven too I reckon. What's your favourite flavour? (I can never decide.)

(I only had one scoop- though I would've welcomed two more... this is just a stock photo.)

3. On Friday I ended up watching two movies! One, Killers, at the movies and the other, Baby Mama, on TV. I didn't intend to purposefully watch movies with baby-related bits in them (obviously one had those themes more than the other), but somehow I did. And it wasn't too bad. Pretty funny actually. Yay for light and fluffy entertainment! (I also met up with a couple of friends- thanks for that!)

4. Yesterday our team (we work together but we are also good friends) did a session on Strengthfinders. It was cool finding out some of our specific strengths and always makes you feel good knowing you are good at something haha, and hearing someone else tell you that you have neat gifts. Yuss! Great resource for teams and work relationships- totally recommend it. (If you are familiar with them, mine are: Individualization, Deliberative, Analytical, Developer and Belief.)

5. Yesterday we had friends (who are engaged, woopwoop!) over for brunch. LOVE BRUNCH. We had pancakes with blueberries, fried banana, maple syrup and bacon. (The boys also added cream as one of the toppings... hmmm, I wasn't so sure. ) It was great to see them. If you want a good pancake recipe, I have an awesome one from my mother-in-law.

6. Today I bought a wedding magazine for my above friend. She's still thinking through what she wants to do for her wedding, and I seized the opportunity to get her a Martha Stewart Weddings magazine. I know I know... Martha's a bit much and we have our own local ones, but it is just such a great publication for ideas! Though a bit useless for phone numbers cos' we live in NZ. Can't help it. I'm trying not to look through it myself but I just love the pictures in it. And the IDEAS! Ahhhh. Look forward to giving it to her.

7. Making something 'different' to take to Mrs K's (my mother) tonight. Will post pictures depending on whether it turns out or not. haha.

8. Oh for got this one- on Wednesday night we had dinner with my cousin-in-law (cousin's husband) who lives in the UK. Sad I didn't get to see my cousin herself and their little boy but that's ok. It is always nice to have a friendly visitor drop by from far far away.

Okay better go now.
Have a great rest-of-your-day!

Ten Things Around 10 A.M.

(I'm no saint, but I figure this is a good exercise for me to do as I have an overactive mind and can get obsessed or occupied by things that are immediately in my path, and not notice some other things that maybe happening. This is a good way for me to remind myself what God is doing along the way. )

Ten things I'm thanking God for today:

1. Lost and Found: My engagement ring diamond went missing the other night! I was horrified to see just the empty claws holding nothing! Felt quite sick that I'd lost this precious gift from the husband.

ugh

However, the next day, the husband miraculously found it under the desk at our work. (The claws had worn down and it popped out! Scary.) Phew. So relieved.

2. Even if we didn't find it, it would have sucked, but it would've been okay. Thankful for the husband (who found it but also) was trying to tell me it didn't really matter, at the end of the day it is just a piece of jewellery.

3. My mother, also known as Mrs K, who is waiting to patiently for grandkids from me but is trying not to put any pressure and has tried her best to be so gentle about it, reminding me to continue to wait on God.

4. Also thankful for her food. She gives us lots of food to bring home, even after we've visited her on Sunday nights to have dinner at her house. This week she gave me hamburger patties and this is our burger (with egg and bacon for extra protein- as if we need it haha- so yummy though!)

5. Ballet Class. So exciting! I went to do an adult ballet class this week. I have been looking forward to trying it out as it is something I used to do as a girl and still do enjoy. I'm waaaaay rusty of course, but the other women were not super experienced either, so it was good. (I'm hoping it will be a good attention diverter from some of the intense life stuff going on... may not always be able to go because of work, but still good to know there is a class I can attend and feel comfortable in)

6. Learning to laugh- still. I have to share that at this ballet class that was meant to take my mind off things, there was a pregnant lady! (Probably just like four months or something, just a little bump. Definitely was cos' someone mentioned it, not my imagination.) I have to admit, mid-jete, when I realised, I was a tad horrified because I so was wanting it to be a place where I could just relax and not think about baby-stuff... but somehow it will follow me wherever I go. It probably is a little silly thinking I can totally avoid it. I told the husband when I got home and we just had to sigh and laugh about it.

7. We bought this magnetic knife holder thing almost a year ago. We don't have IKEA here and we got it from IKEA in Gold Coast last year and lugged it home in our suitcases along with a duvet cover set, clocks and a heart-shaped mirror (yes... not kidding. Don't laugh too hard. Would've put shelving units in it too if I could've). Anyway, the husband finally put it up for me. Pretty stoked!

8. My friend C. She is a great encourager and cheerleader. She is trying so hard to understand this journey I'm on, and yet it is hard for her too as she hasn't had to experience the same issues. She was so impacted by the last post's video clip that she shared it on her FB page! This was so that others can also learn more about the difficulties of infertility stuff. I was very touched and encouraged.

9. Music. I love listening to music- all sorts! At the moment, because of where I'm at, I'm finding that bands like Casting Crowns are more helpful for me to listen to than others. It soothes my soul and reminds me that I need to let God take the driver's seat. It helps my mind zoom out to the bigger picture in life- where we are at with Christ. It also brings me to tears because trusting God is the hardest thing to do, especially cos' there has been so much heartache.

10. Random friendships I'm making on this (often-unwanted) journey... people from church, friends of friends, other bloggers, long-time friends who I'm reconnecting with. I'm surprised by how it has opened up new conversations and new depths in relationships.

God has definitely been good to me.

(started this post just before 10am but now it is almost 10:30. haha. oh well.)

Bumping into Bumps, Blood, I'm Blabbing, etc.

I know! A whole week has gone by. Yikes.

So last weekend, the husband brought me to a small farmer's market just out of Auckland. It was a lovely way to spend the Saturday! I had a lot of fun. He even got all prepared and had cash on hand for us to spend at the stalls. Very sweet of him. I'm looking forward to more trips there, even if it is just to wander around. We had a lot of yummy things to eat. Like this:

mmmmmm...

We kinda had to laugh though... one of the very first things that literally greeted us when we first arrived was we heard our names called out loudly from somewhere, and when we looked up it was my old friend who is heavily pregnant. (Hadn't seen her for aaaages but I knew they were pregnant. Surprise factor- low. Phew.) The 'laughing' part has nothing to do with her though really. Like it was so good catching up and seeing her and her hubby all.

But here we were, driving out of the city, trying so hard to get away for a while and not think about our 'issues', being confronted with a very big and friendly reminder of all the things I was avoiding that day. Just had to try and keep it light inside of me and not try to crumple too much and still engage in conversation about the upcoming birth of the baby, etc. Focus S, focus. On them. Not yourself. Oh Lord help me. HA. Yes, I know. I'm selfish and I'm weak, a fab combo. (Oh dear friend, if you ever read this please trust that my communication was sincere, it is just always so so conflicting inside of me!)

Anyway.  I had a fabulous long weekend. And Saturday was a great day, including everything in it. Life is just so funny sometimes. Funny haha and funny painful all together in one big blobby bundle.

And I'm back on the blood bandwagon people! Have already had two blood tests (one a week)... this is to track my freshly drilled ovary (just one was done) and see if it is doing anything on its own. I'm not afraid of blood tests but some days, my vein doesn't cooperate and they have to fish around for it after the poke!!! Fun times.

Dare I even hope to ovulate on my own? I don't know. Didn't work last time, so I don't know where to put my hopes this time. You know?

Oh who am I kidding... I'm hoping this works. I always do.

Do you?

As always, it is late, so many more things to say... Type more soon.

You Just Gotta Laugh

So I've been all hot and bothered about my MRI appointment (or non-appointment, as it was for the last ten weeks). For me it is an urgent matter because I want to get it out of the way so we can move on. I want to know if anything's (more) wrong with me or not. Then I want to know if we need to do anything about what we find out.  I want I want I want... I want it now!

Anyway... we have continued to hassle them and found out. Guess what?

Of all days...

My MRI is on my birthday.

HA.

Honestly. I'm thankful that I got the appointment. But still... is this good or bad? I don't know. I feel mixed about that! Me and my little uptight self.

But as I'm learning from specific friends, and from this mad infertility journey in general...  you just gotta learn to laugh!

Meltdown No. 550 million

How do you have a massive meltdown when you're in your 'break'? A time when you're supposed to be breathing deeply, sane and collected...

I had one yesterday, and there were decent reasons for it (of course! ha). The public hospital doc was supposed to put me on a list for an MRI but they didn't and I've been already waiting eight weeks... blah blah... hopping mad!

But who am I kidding? It was pretty major and oh so ugly. Anger, frustration and  impatience all busting out of me like an overfilled sausage.

I feel silly now, but I was so mad so mad. It kinda surprised me. What do I do? What do I do?

My poor husband.

(I typed 'ugly' into the photo search and this is what I got...)

(...so appropriate for the 'melting theme'. I hope I looked that good yesterday.

And it kinda made me laugh.)