Round 8 Ends- I Want To Wake Up

About a week and a half ago I ended my two-week-wait to Round 8. (Round 8 was ovulation induction with Puregon/Gonal F injections and IUI.) You IF girls out there know how agonizing that wait is... we found out that my blood tested positive for pregnancy hormones but it was too low to be sustained.

My two-week-wait turned into a three-week-trauma. We did a couple more blood tests following that and this week it was confirmed that the pregnancy hormone levels dropped sharply and will continue to do so. In short, we were pregnant but had an early early miscarriage.

We are gutted.

We don't know the whys and probably won't for a while. It continues to remain a mystery medically and I've resolved to be okay with that. I would love to know but in the meantime... not knowing is also okay.

(I'm going to be upfront and say: If you have any new suggestions for reasons or ways to overcome recurrent miscarriage please DON'T share them with me right now, unless you yourself have gone through the same thing. It is just hard for me to receive such info at the moment.)

The word 'pregnant' has never been harder to spit out. I didn't want to use it because it sorta speaks it into 'being'. Sort of like saying it means I have to engage in all the possibilities it brings. I know some of you are familiar with this feeling too, whether or not the pregnancy is going well, where we don't dare to embrace the thought or reality because it could be too hard.

However, the truth is that egg-met-sperm, there was implantation, there was life, but beyond that, we don't know. It didn't go as we'd hoped.

I knew it'd get awkward at some point, blogging so openly about my life. Now I'm here- I don't know how to describe it. I want to be open, but sometimes that comes back to bite me because my vulnerability is also up for grabs.

As this dragged on, I struggled to have any social contact because I have not been functioning like a normal person. Up till a couple days ago, I pretty much just hid in my little shell and hoped everything would go away.

I hate that I've become so familiar with grief. I've been here before, but I didn't want to be here again, or this often. (Grief not just to do with loss but also to do with the disappointment of unexpected procedures, failed cycles, negative tests, the arrival of the pd- or AF.)

That 'shock' that really isn't just a simple zappy-jolt, but a lingering weight lasts longer than you think- where you are wading through a bog of thick air and everything is just empty inside. Hollowed-out. The worst part is that you feel like you are outside of time, but reality is that you are not and you desperately want the world to stop spinning because your everything has just frozen.

It has felt so much like a bad dream. A recurring one. Except the part where you wake up doesn't happen.

I hate that my texts/messages to those who have been waiting and praying with us have become the same: 'Worked but it is not going well...'

Sick of it.

I've had about ten days since the initial news to grieve, so the anger and frustration has subsided quite a bit. Thank you for praying for us and giving me the space to lie low. I'm very fortunate to have understanding friends and an empathetic workplace.

It has felt like it has gotten harder each round. We know it has probably got a lot to do with the reality of loss... so simply 'trying again' is really not so straightforward. It feels like another round is too hard to bear right now, so we are just going to try and focus on other things and see how it goes.

I hate that this is our fourth pregnancy loss and I hate that it sounds like just another number. This little bud of life was as precious to us as each of the other ones... and yet it is so hard to know how to acknowledge him/her because it was so brief and so invisible.

Oh Lord I have so many questions for you.

Thank you for praying for us and being there for us. We prayed for a miracle and in a sense we got it, but in another sense, we're also not sure what happened.

Thankfully, I'm been okay physically and I know the husband and I will recover. We know God is a God of hope, as much as it is hard to see.

In the meantime, yeah... this SUCKS so bad. But one-day-at-a-time continues to sound pretty handle-able.

(Sort of) Hanging On!

**Rant ahead**
Man, how I hate the two-week-wait. I hate it so much. I think it is kinda like 'peeing on the stick' but doing it and then waiting 14 days (or 336 hours) to look at the result. Or for some of us (infertility-types) it may even feel like you pee-ed on it three years ago... and you are still waiting for the result. I'm not sure.

It is agonizing and excruciating and every other synonym of 'painful' and 'stupid' you can come up with. I detest how so much hangs on it and how it makes me feel like I'm going insane. Days like these, infertility stuff just plain ol' sucks big time. I want to hammer it out of my life or chuck porcelain plates at it!

'nuff said.
**Rant over**

I should talk about something else before I infect the rest of you with my oozing anxiousness.

Breathe.

If you get the NZ Herald (physically not digitally), go check it out! There's an insert in it that's a magazine about Auckland and while I was flipping through it at work, I suddenly noticed that I'm on the cover. (On the cover like a cover-girl? um... no.)

Let me clarify. There's a crowd on the cover and I'm in the crowd- by my friend Alice. haha. How random is that? Kinda fun though.

(Not the best angle but, see red-singlet-girl at the lower end? That's me. My friend Alice is to the right, not sure if you can see her, a couple of heads away.)

It is from Round The Bays 2006 (I think... years ago anyway) so I'm not sure why they didn't use a newer one, but hay, I'm happy with it. Makes it kinda exciting for me. Too bad no one really reads the (physical) paper much anymore, even we don't. (We're only reading it at the moment cos' we got a subscription recently, as there was a deal with it where you get free movie tickets every month! Yeah they came to our door and bribed... and we caved.)

So. Nice to have a giggle about that. Thank you God for random little things.

Thank you God that you are also God of the big things...

My cousin C has been keeping tabs on me through this blog. Today she wrote a note to me and encouraged me with a verse:

My God, I trust, lean on, rely on, and am confident in You.
Let me not be put to shame or [my hope in You] be disappointed; let not my enemies triumph over me.

Psalm 25:2 (Amplified)

So hard to do though huh?

Feeling pretty helpless today I have to admit. The husband is a big fan of sci-fi and I watched some Fringe episodes with him yesterday. The idea of a parallel universe or a way to fast-forward to the future definitely looks appealing. Some days it feels like 'anywhere but here' might be easier to handle.

Oh Lord I need you so bad!

Links and Things- Article and Clip

Here are a couple links that have popped up on other blogs. Thought you may be interested.

This is an article from the women's magazine SELF (U.S.), 'This Woman Has a Secret', which I got from Untangle Me. It is about the silence surrounding infertility, both personally and socially/politically...

This is not specifically about infertility but still interesting- a short video of an interview with the first baby (now an adult) born through IVF. It is about how her life has been a source of fascination to many... from Beckie's Infertile.

On Monday, I watched the short doco on Jay-Jay and Dom's IVF attempt again but this time with the husband- from a previous post. We are still working through our thoughts about IVF and it was cool to watch it together. Overall I think it was really because we totally know how they feel! Hope and frustration tangled in one big web of intensity. Lots of tears again.

It was actually also good preparation because I was going to the clinic for a procedure and it was helpful to see someone else's experience- not the same but similar. I could visualize what was going to happen.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I know my last post was quite full of grrrrrrrrr-ness.

If you wanna know... Basically, I'd produced too many follicles/eggs for just the 'usual' ovulation induction plan to continue... so we had to go to the back up plan, which was to aspirate/remove extra eggs and because that makes you sore, it was then best to proceed with IUI.

So I've done my first IUI. Yes, I'm slowly working my way through every possible fertility treatment available possible. I think I'm ruining my good doctor's wonderful track record... haha.

Thankful for drugs that make you groggy (love it cos' then you don't realise the position you are in) and the husband who was by my side. I'm doing well now- some crampy pain but nothing bad.

Now we wait.

Not To Plan

I'm not great with surprises. (Unless it is presents or a briefcase of money...) Spontaneous people probably thing I'm such a party pooper. I will plan your surprise party though! And I won't forget the ice.

I like knowing what I'm up for. WARN ME should be written all over my forehead.

So at every jerk and turn of this journey I've struggled with the unexpected. Over and over... things keep popping up and I never get used to it. I guess spontaneous or not, no one really gets used to the tricky things that come your way in something so intense like struggling to have kids.

I do try to plan for different outcomes and prepare myself. I also know to try and lower my highest-of-high expectations but it is hard. When the news comes and bombs on you, it shakes all your clever preparation out of your hand! I go into a cloudy shock-zone and it takes me a while to be nudged out of it.

So anyway. We're in the midst of a little twist in our Round 8 try. Let's just say I'm gonna have a new 'experience' to add to my infertilty resume. Not good or bad, just a tad more invasive that I'd hoped for this round.

Many others have been here before so it is a little wimpy to be so nervy. But I guess at the core of it I also still struggle to not be mad. Mad that this is so hard. Mad that it can't be simple. Mad that we are here again in this ambiguous place. Jealous of others too. So I think maybe often my resistance is also a stubbornness thing. I want it done my way. MY WAY.

I should be excited...

It is still a shot at getting pregnant so I need to lean on hope. All is not over. It is also still funded so I need to remember that this is more of an opportunity than many others are getting out there.

If you are of the praying kind, please pray for us today- and um... forever. I'm nervous and scared, today's thing is a new one, but I know it is all in God's timing and there is little I can do besides go with the plan and see what happens.

Thanks for coming along.

Round 8- Still Going Strong... ish

It is so hard not to whine about it. I'm two and a half weeks into the injections and they are starting to grow weary. (You know it is when the needles start to hurt when they didn't really bother me that much at first...) It feels like I've had a million blood tests and I've made too many treks across the city to collect my drugs every few days. Not to mention two scans already plus one more looming over the weekend.

C'mon stubbovaries! Pop those follicles!

The nice thing is that one of the doctors doing the scan the other day (and yes, it was a 'he' and yes I've become shameless) acknowledged how patient you gotta be when you do ovulation induction. It was just a simple statement but the fact that he acknowledged that there's a lot of waiting and teenytiny progress-watching was just good to hear.

Then he sent me home and told me to wait more.

Sigh.

Waiting is another intriguing theme of the infertility drama. You wait in general, big-picture, for God's plan to unfold, you wait for answers to mind-twisting and confused questions you have for Him, somedays... you just want to wait for heaven because the loss and pain are hard to bear.

Then you also wait for the more technical things like, for the days to pass until you can try a new cycle again, then you wait for all the drugs to kick in, and you wait for the dreadfully difficult phone call after the two-week-wait. Amongst other things.

Years,
months,
weeks,
days,
hours,
minutes,
seconds.

I've never been better at counting. But what number am I counting to?

I know I'm not the only one waiting. Some are waiting to meet the right man, some are waiting for a good job, others are waiting for healing... in the meantime, how do we still live the best we can?

8th Time

Hello! Having slight issues with my blogging career, can't seem to keep up with my intention to post regularly haha.

Anyway. We are trying again. How I got through the last seven months, I'm not sure. But here we are!

I did a count and this is our eighth time trying with assistance. If I do some quick math, and I like math, so please don't mind me, that's like an average of maybe 8 x 4 = 32 blood tests, and possibly like 8 x 2 = 16 ewwy scans. I mean at least that! Cos' often there's extra tests and things. Of course, it depends on your clinic and the amount of monitoring you get... random tangent I know, but that was just some interesting calculating for me. (And no, I never get used to the prick of the blood tests or the prod of the scans, but what to do!)

Needless to say, I'm scared. Terrified. I am finding this round a different kind of hard, probably because our loss in November was so shattering. I have hope but it is a disturbed kind of hope.

I'm trying to keep myself distracted and being busy does help. However, the two-week-wait will eventually come and I'm dreading that as that is the worst. (I'm thinking to maybe do something a bit different to get through it, like the Twelve Days of Christmas- so fourteen daily events? Or fourteen gifts for myself? Ideas?)

Overall I'm doing surprisingly well. (Thank you for praying for us if you have been.) Thank God for the husband who is doing the injecting for me. The last round was ten months ago and it took us a while to remember how it all works... I can't bring myself to do it- I know some of you do, big ups to you!

This morning, as I came home from my blood test (had to wake up early grrrr), I spotted this spider web outside our house...

Cool huh?

Things like this of God's creation help me to remember His greatness... which I forget very often.