She was a Her

It has been about two months since that last post.

I celebrated my 31st birthday 6 days after my D&C. It was a little odd celebrating after being in a bit of a sadness haze, but it was still great and I was spoilt with lots of love.

We have since found out that my pregnancy was a partial-molar pregnancy. It gives some clarity as to why my HCG levels were high and also a reason why the pregnancy did not sustain. That was what we wanted- a reason. But we didn't want more...

The more difficult part to deal with are that we are not to get pregnant for 6-12 months, as it could complicate things. It is for good reason of course, but for us it was a bit of a stomp in the face when we heard it from the nurse, as we just were not expecting to have extra to deal with after the miscarriage.

I think for most who have gone through infertility... being told you could not try for a baby for possibly up to a year is a bit of a nightmare!

Thankfully I've been well taken care of by the hospital and the follow-up blood tests have been indicative of my HCG/tumour levels going down. We are praying this continues!

Weirdly enough, it really helps that we have something to do each week to deal with the 'wait' and I get a phone call following each blood test. My weekly blood tests have become part of my weekly schedule.

Toby and I have a little routine after a Mainly Music session, where he knows where we are going, he gets something to eat and sits in the corner on the floor (no extra chairs usually in the actual room where they poke you). He knows I get and 'owie' and then a 'band-aid'. He sort of lightens the mood and that always is a good thing too.

Honestly, I've been a terrified of pregnancy announcements of those who are due around the same time I would've been. They haven't been fun and I cringe everytime I think I spot one or a photo of one on Facebook... but everyone's allowed to do what they do and I think God is sustaining me and keeping my skin thick generally.

The one big thing we got to find out was that our tiny baby was a girl. This was so lovely to know and I was so delighted, and yet it was one of the hardest things to absorb too. I praise God for her, yet I am simply gutted also.

We have since named her and also named the previous the babies we have not gotten to meet. This was not the easiest thing to do, as we didn't know that much about the other pregnancies. But we wanted to acknowledge them as lives, and a thought that stayed with me was also that if we don't ever get to have another live child, it would be special for Toby to have some sense of our family experience and history. I believe they were still gifts from God even if I didn't get to meet them. I know this is a tricky one but I choose to think of them that way.

We also planted a tree with some remains we got from the hospital. This is the first time we've been able to do it and it has been really special. I think it has given us some sense of closure, being able to do something to commemorate and remember her by.

It is hard not to count the weeks/months until we can try again, so feels a bit like 'infertility mode' again with all that math. But we're doing well. Toby just turned two (TWO?!!) this past week so that has been a big deal around here.

Time for a cup of tea.

Deep Breath

Toby and I went to the park yesterday. It was nice to do that as it was a rare clear day in a week of lots of rain.

Toby loves being let loose to wander and so I let him but it means I have to wait and watch a lot as he checks things out. We call it 'going for a walk' but it really is more of a two steps forward and three steps to the side, off the path kinda thing.

Often we hang with some friends first at the playground before we set off on our way to feed the ducks at the pond. Then the zigzaggy wandering begins.

Yesterday we ran around in the field. We do this every now and then where we fake-chase a ball and Toby just runs towards it and lies down in the grass every two seconds. There is a lot of tickled laughter and it is the kind of time that fills your heart with joy.

I lay down in the grass too and took a few deep breaths to soak in the moment. It was so fun to turn and see my little man next to me staring back amongst the green blades. It has been a while since I've felt energetic enough to do this!

I kinda wished I had my camera but I was also happy I didn't as it was the kind of time you knew you'd miss if I had been busy trying to catch a perfect shot. Which I would've been doing.

Being under the expanse of His sky and rolling, jumping and laughing on His earth, with his precious provision to me, my son Toby. I needed these deep breaths of air to remind me. We are okay. God is huge.

I struggle to converse with God at these stages of grief. It is like I can't look Him in the eye. Just for now. But I will get there.

We were going to have a baby in November. In the three short weeks we knew, we were already planning how it was all going to be. So much of it was unsaid but we also spoke freely of room arrangements and fun ways to announce the baby. We were so excited!

I don't think we took it for granted, we were just confident this time. My blood test results were good and I was feeling awful. The signs were spot on so we were sure it would continue. So sure.

The bad news that the baby had no heartbeat came at a dating scan. I was there to find out the date he or she would arrive. The husband couldn't attend and we didn't even feel too much of a need to reschedule.

Thankfully our awesome friend Ch came along. The possibility of having no heartbeat had occurred to me in a tiny corner of my head but I was trying to be positive. I think I just was hoping I could be a 'normal person' with this pregnancy for once. Unfair.

We'd jumped through this one miracle hoop of conception and so surely this second miracle hoop would be cleared? Not so.

I run out of words to describe how it feels to get the news. Frozen. Fuzzy. Heartbroken. Those give it a bit of a picture but I think most of us have an idea of that 'time stands still' feeling when you receive awful news.

It is two days today after the D and C. I feel like I don't know what to do next. I'm trying my best to plan small but fun things to look forward to but there are already so many reminders of what I won't be looking forward to and not holding in November, that am a little lost. Pregnant strangers are everywhere.

On another level we have moved on with normal daily life as Toby needs us and a toddler's routine can sort of rule. I love it and I love our time with him. It definitely has been different with having one child, than when you have none and are going through a miscarriage. There is a sense of moving on that is quick.

Yet the echoey quiet of the hollow in your belly is still there and very real.

Regardless, my baby was a miracle baby. A perfect peanut shape on the scan at eight weeks. So large (to me) and so clearly present in our lives. It stormed in unexpectedly and so we desired it to be. Like his/her siblings, I wish he or she could've stayed.

The husband and I are a little confused. Despite having travelled this road before the sadness is still fresh and the sensitive heart is difficult to navigate. My uncomfortable and awful morning sickness is now fading and yet I want to rewind and have it all back. I want my child. I am missing him.

Today we bought a teddy bear to remember this precious baby by. Now we have five beautiful bears in our room and one special boy we do get to see grow, cuddle and be with.

Crying out for comfort tonight, Lord.

Being Brave

This is what I posted on Facebook the other day. 

I'm not usually that vulnerable on Facebook and I was nervous doing it! But two special friends have gone through losses recently and that night I found out a third friend just had too, so it was just really heavy on my heart, as I sensed they were surprised by the sadness, etc. 

Anyway. Here it is:

On Tuesday I decided to buy flowers. What is it about flowers... A beautiful reminder of God's creation maybe.

3 years ago this week we said goodbye to a baby we got to carry for 12 weeks of pregnancy. My precious friend took me to the hospital and later that day I followed J out to the car park with no baby- as if we were just visitors. I remember the lonely corridors. How empty. Hollow. 

Mayb

e this was all right. I looked normal; I could walk. But my heart broke into a million pieces when I got home and emptied the hospital's brown paper bag of my dirty clothes, and I realised I had nothing. Nothing left of my baby. Invisible.

Gutted.

Yes I have J. And today I have Toby and God has continued to bless us with good things that we celebrate. It is not about not being thankful.

That little life was treasured. We never stop wondering what Baby N would've looked like or felt like. The baby was real.

This is a bit of a step out for me. But my thoughts are going out to the other women or couples who have been here too. And are here today. I know it is 'common' but it doesn't make it easier.

You did not get to meet tiny bud, but your loss is real. Grief is ugly.Your heart is indescribably heavy right now. No one wants to talk about it but many try to say nice things. And some want you to move on. But be mournful if you need to and for a time there really is nothing that needs to be said.

I believe that one day there will be answers to our questions and joyous reunions... and I am praying that God comforts you with his great arms of love and you find healing in his saving grace. Please know in those moments of deep sadness, you are not alone.

"So. Big Gulps."

Hello! I'm here!

How many times have I said that?

Unfortunately there has been a big pause. Not that there hasn't been things to talk about. There's never things I run out of wanting to say. I sooo want to keep this blog going but I'm doing a terrible job of it.

If you guys are still out there, thanks for reading. I appreciate you so much. If not, that's ok. I probably won't know.

Last night I could not sleep because I had too much caffeine. If two cups of tea could be considered too much! I'm useless at caffeine I tell ya. I thought of all the things I wanted to do!

So I thought I'd try my best to capture some of that urgency by doing a quick post now.

Life is really much the same. Except Toby is 16 months now. I know. Huge.

He's really chatty and walks fast (can't quite run just yet)... and we love him to bits.

(messy at meals)

(busy busy always busy)

Do you remember me saying I was going to do a marathon? Well I did it! 4 hours and 47 minutes later... I got to the finish line! It was a big day.

 I feel so proud of myself and was so filled with emotion finishing it. I could not have done it without my running-mate KP who did it with me- trained with me for the last three months and cheered me on endlessly. (She pretty much cheered the whole marathon troupe on- we had people stopping to ask her how she had so much energy!)

(evidence that I did run it)

I also could not have done it without the husband as it has been his commitment as much as mine... As well as all my other super encouraging friends and fam. Some of which were there on the day cheering on us from the sidelines. What a difference it made!

(us and our medals and um... free stuff at the end)

And just to let you know I have not done much since. Haha worst 'down-training' ever. My one foot has been hurting so I'm resting it. That's what I'm saying. 

I went to a Coldplay concert on Saturday night here in Auckland. That was my other 30th birthday 'thing', besides the marathon. I spent my birthday money on the ticket and it was (so expensive but) totally awesome. I actually had some kind of awful bug the night before and was sure I wouldn't make it but I did! I loved it. There was confetti, blow-up lanterns, fireworks, lots of colour and they sounded great.

(Have to admit I sorta got nervous prior when I saw that they were coming on stage at 9pm and nowadays I am really trying to get ready for bed by then haha.)

Not to end on a downer but just on a different note, the last couple days have been interesting for me too as I've felt more emotional about the anniversary of one of the babies we lost (today, 12 November, 3 years ago).

This has actually quite taken me by surprise as I really have not been that focused on it. (This is my safe place where I say stuff, so it might seem like I talk about it a lot if you are reading my posts in one sitting ever.)

But God has really shown me His love through loss and I do cling to that. I just find it curious that it doesn't take much for me to feel that deep heartache- such as when I'm playing with Toby and realise that I won't get to know Baby N like this... or a song that reminds me...

Anyway. Bought beautiful flowers today to commemorate the memory. Looking forward to seeing the peonies bloom. Yay!

Life in general is good but filled up with just normal life things! How do people do it? I'm obviously such a terrible juggler of roles. I haven't even showered today- thought that was supposed to be a 'mother of newborn baby' problem! (9pm right now people.)

I think because I do things like run people think I'm a super-mom. Honestly the comments I got from achieving that marathon-goal were of course lovely to get but also a little misled maybe!

Life is messy. My house is messy.

I love it though. I love having Toby and being able to be his mother. Thankful for that definitely.

How are you doing?

A Song

I came across this song the other day that someone shared on Facebook.

I thought it was pretty brave to sing about a topic like this- baby loss.

The husband and I listened to it and it was hard! I am posting the accoustic version. The original video is pretty difficult to watch- hits a bit close to home. Beautiful song though. Ed Sheeran's 'Small Bump'.

Oooh Oooh Oooh

(Ok. Still not going strong with the blogging!

ANYWAY.)

I just got told about another NZ-based book about infertility, A Common Thread. Thanks Jill! Finding books written here is so exciting! While doing this, I stumbled onto another NZ blog, Cherished, by Sally who is a mother now via adoption and fertility. As well as Thursday's Babies, a sort of prayer network/ministry started by some ladies here.

Looking forward to looking into these!

Retreat Idea

A friend of mine who lives in the US went to one of these recently- a retreat for couples who have lost a child after they were born... so glad she and her husband got to go.

I have been thinking that it would be so good to have something like that here too, including other ones for couples who have gone through miscarriage and also those dealing with infertility. I don't think we have any resources like this in NZ... something to pray for!

Book!

I haven't read this book yet but I spotted this in a local magazine.

It is called Baby Gone by Jenny Douche and it is a NZ-based book to do with personal stories of infertility, loss, etc. Kinda neat that it is from here- something I've been looking out for. If you've read it, let me know- might order it too... Here's the publisher's description.

Pregnancy after IF/Loss- Ticking Off My Wishlist (sorta)

I've made it to 38.5 weeks. Who knew I'd ever make it to 'heavily pregnant'?

Think I'm on 10kgs in terms of weight increase so 'heavily' is definitely appropriate. No wonder I'm having trouble getting out of the car, out of bed, off the couch, etc. haha...

ANYWAY. I've been asking myself, "Have I gotten to do everything I wanted to do while being pregnant?"... you know, like when you save up things-to-do for a holiday or Disneyland with a list of things like food to eat and books to read, etc?

I'm FAST getting to the end, and I think so. Here are my 'things':


1
- Wear all the clothes you've been accumulating that you thought you'd one day wear as maternity clothes, or actually are. DO IT.
It has been fun. Though you have to laugh when you start to get sick of stretchy tights or at the fact that I don't fit that well into my maternity jeans anymore- believe it or not, they are too tight when I sit! (Jeanswest has pretty good and affordable maternity jeans.)

2
- Linger while in baby stores and sections.
It was hard to do at first, but you get there as pregnancy progresses (thankful) and it is nice sort of being a 'normal' pregnant woman. Though the silly part is you get tired walking around malls and so shopping stamina isn't what it used to be!

3
- Try not to be apologetic. (That's me.)
If you want a super awesome baby room, go for it! Show it off. You've been staring at that spare room for so long, having it filled with a child's things is so surreal.

($20 change table from trademe and lovely baby basket given to us from a lady at church!)

(baby bunting made by my friend ju! note: photo is deceiving cos' rest of the room is actually filled with random stuff on the floor haha.)

If you want to take lots of belly-photos, do it! We did.

(last week. sammy the dog has started to take part too. he looks a little funny- naked- here cos' his collar is off!)

4
- Celebrate.
As I make my way through this list I think most of them you are iffy with at first, especially if you have been through IF and/or baby loss. That's ok. What I mean is celebrate every day you get to carry this baby, and let others celebrate with you too. Whether it is just with simple things along the way, or a big baby shower at the end, whatever suits your style.

(look at the mad amount of gifts we got! thank you so much.)

5
- Remember the things you wanted to do before dealing with IF/loss made you forget, and do them or consider them again...
For me, it is simple things like thinking about what diaper system to use (though I sort of put that off for now cos' it is a little overwhelming). And random objects I want to buy for the baby one day like gumboots... Or to do with birthing, things you thought you'd try- water birth?

6
- Deal with your Facebook issues haha... (this was personal for me, maybe not for everyone)
You guys know that Facebook can be a source of difficulty for many of us going through IF or baby loss and definitely has been the case for me, so for me I wanted to be careful how I used it during pregnancy.

Yet I didn't want to hold back expressing how God has walked us through this, how thankful we are to be pregnant and to acknowledge that we are being prayed for by many people. (And many overseas friends and family simply wanted to know how it has been.) So... I've done it. I have posted stuff.

This has been tricky and thought I've wanted to be sensitive, I'm sure I haven't done all of it perfectly... but if I'm not sure sometimes I only show certain 'statuses' and 'photos' to certain close family and friends instead of everyone on the list. Of course, it is also just lovely to receive well-wishes and to know others are thinking of us.

7
- Embrace all the baby-baby stuff that you once were allergic to. (It is not wrong.)
I didn't think I would but I have gone on to Babycenter most weeks since the start to find out what 'vegetable' my baby is close in size to. I know it is a random thing to go on for, as Babycenter also offers a lot of other great things about pregnancy and parenting haha, but I've enjoyed it and it has provided a few laughs! This week the baby is like a leek.

Which is very nice and slim. Thankyouverymuch.

HOWEVER, check out the vegetable photo for the next 2 weeks: Watermelon and pumpkin! NO WORDS NEEDED to express how we feel about that.

8
- Do something only pregnant people can. Even if you said you'd never do it...
I have to admit I told friends I'd never do a pregnancy photoshoot because the ones I've seen are so cheesy (please don't be offended) but also, the truth is they have been hard to look at cos' I've been so jealous and envious of those who have been able to take part!

So one day when a sweet friend told me a photography place was doing a session for free, where you also get a couple free prints, I was like, NAH. But then I had a look at their stuff and it was really quite pretty. Plus it was valued at around $300 (wowmama)!

And then I thought, well, if the husband agrees (that'll be a long-shot) that'll help us decide. Turns out, he said yes! And I think we were also both thinking, "When are we gonna be able to do this again?" ... so we went for it.

It was pretty hilarious because we are fairly shy in some ways. Yet we decided to do it and enjoy it. And we did. We may never show those photos to anyone but it was a good laugh and an experience to remember!

Overall, I think I'm trying to say that for us, this has been such a dream come true. Knowing that we really don't know what the future brings, and this may be our only experience of being pregnant for the full NINE months, the husband and I have tried to appreciate and enjoy it where possible.

Thank you God that we have been able to relax in these later months of it and have been able to savour it with help from others.

(have to show off this beautiful baby blanket made my the husband's aunt. mailed all the way from canada. oh and lovely cribset sent to me by my sis-in-law, K, from the u.s. thanks girl!)

Come on baby! We'd love to meet you.

From others...

Here are a couple links...

- Divided, by Heather

This post is a very personal one to Heather, who has gone through an agonizing time of waiting and also a recent loss.

This post also leapt out at me because a good friend and I have been talking about how for her, miscarriage marked an unexpected change in her perspective, like her life became sort of split into two timelines, before and after. It is like the world changed colour.

- The Question that Breaks My Heart, by Rachel

This one probably many of us dealing with or who have dealt with IF can connect with. I appreciate how many of these women bring the perspective back to Christ, hard hard hard as it may be. It is a good reminder for me...

She Ain't Heavy, She's My Mother

Haha. I just wanted to write that title for a giggle. Plus, I'm starting to feel pretty hefty these days. (No, it is not about my own mother haha!)

Some days I'm fine and some days I'm just so wasted. Plus that nausea-feeling is still there. Bummer. Oh well. I don't know how I'm going to carry this load around for two more months but... WE CAN DO IT!

On a different note, it is Mother's Day tomorrow. My mom's away and the husband's mom lives in Canada so we won't be doing much for it in that sense.

I haven't decided about church, though I was fortunate enough to get a sneakpeek into what the service is going to be about (thanks A). I am thankful for that, but regardless of the content, I have a feeling I'll still be bawling my eyes out in the back. I mean, I already do that at a normal service! So we'll see.

I don't know if being pregnant makes this year much different. Here's one woman's take on Mother's Day and being a mom after infertility.

Here's another angle- Mother's Day for a motherless daughter.

And here's one for those who are not quite sure if they'll ever be mothers...

Life is interesting huh. I started this post this morning. Here I am at almost 9pm trying to finish it! In between I emailed a friend who's going through a tough time to do with recurrent pregnancy loss, a dear friend who's going through primary infertility, and I helped throw a baby shower for a close friend. And here I am capping it off writing about Mother's Day.

And oh, on a side note, I thought it was curious that Anna Jarvis, who founded Mother's Day as a kind of holiday, was an unmarried woman herself and had no kids. I guess I just wonder how she felt and also what she'd think if she knew Mother's Day has become a big worldwide thing now.

Whether you are celebrating your mom tomorrow or hiding at home with as much distraction as possible, I'm thinking of you and know that you're allowed to have a wonderful day of celebration, but also if it is a crappy or confusing day, that's okay too.

(don't tell my mom i put this up. that's her with my bro and i.)

P.S. My mom's about 5ft and maybe 50kgs. She's definitely not heavy.

"Is this your first baby?"

(avoid conversation with this woman! she often doesn't know what to say and cries easily! haha.)

When we were at the wedding in Nelson a couple weekends ago, this was a question that came up a few times. I've asked it myself and I really don't mind it as it is just a part of conversation, as what they are actually asking is, "Do you have any other kids?"

But it caught me by surprise when it was asked of me! Because I know the simple answer is 'Yes'. And yet the more correct answer is 'No'. And yet I didn't want anyone to feel uncomfortable, because they really weren't asking for my life-story.

Then again I'm someone who likes meaningful conversation, so I find myself torn and hesitating for a split second, which I'm sure seems weird if you were the 'asker' as you'd think it'd be a pretty easy one!

Anyway. I usually just answer a polite yes, so that the whole group conversation can move on... but last night, I got a little bold.

I was at someone's house and I got talking with one woman. Maybe because it was a one-to-one conversation and we already knew her husband a little, I'm not sure... so when she asked me, "Is this your first baby?", I decided to take the plunge and I said, "Well, you know, this is actually not my first pregnancy, but yes it is the first baby that has come this far along and we're stoked!"

I wasn't sure where this was going to take us but I trust that this was God thing because then we went on to have a conversation about infertility. She shared with me that they have gone through infertility themselves, have not been able to get pregnant, and are currently living life as two.

We didn't get to chat for very long, but it was a major connection point (had to blink back tears), and I appreciate that she opened up. It is a tough topic to be talking about with someone you just met! On my end of course it is always special to share with someone like her that I'm pregnant, as she understands how huge of a miracle it is too.

I'm not sure where I was heading with this post! But I guess I was thinking, sometimes it is worth the risk being vulnerable as you never know, you might find someone who's been on a similar path too! (And it is kinda like a painfully special scar you share.)

Ten things at Twelvish

(wrong time. oh well.)

1. Thankful for pancakes this morning (after dreaming about them haha). YUM.

2. Thankful for a Saturday morning to chill and catch up with thoughts and things (laundry haha).

3. Thankful for some time I spent yesterday with two special friends who'd gone through miscarriages recently. It was good to catch up with them and just comforting to be able to talk about our 'children we've never met' openly and without reserve or feeling bad/weird. Glad we finally got to hang out!

4. Thankful for the Christchurch Earthquake Memorial Service that I watched this morning online cos' I missed it yesterday. It was hard to watch of course, but also a bittersweet reminder of God's power and strength in times of great need.

5. Thankful for God's supernatural comfort in times of deep sadness and grieving. Some dear friends have had to say goodbye to their dear tiny daughter, Eden Grace, who was 17 days old. She was born at 26 weeks of pregnancy. Her life was a miracle in itself, but it is so hard too... and I'm praying for her parents and brother as they cope with their loss. I cannot imagine how hard this is for them.

6. Thankful for the power of music that touches us even if we come from different perspectives and backgrounds. They sang a few beautiful songs at the Christchurch Memorial Service- like Amazing Grace and Welcome Home.

7. Thankful that my sis-in-law, K, was unhurt in a car accident this past week, where her SUV was turned on its side! Also cool that the kids were at home with my brother. Praying for them as this stuff is still always scary and can be stressful.

8. Thankful for soft-serve. Ya, serious.

(not my pic)

Haha yes. I love them. Plus, I don't know why it took me so long to catch on that the vanilla soft-serve cones at McDonald's are only 60-cents! Is there anything else that cheap around here?

I usually get the hot fudge/chocolate sundaes in a cup that cost way more. So I think I'll switch over to the cones... plus they probably are 'less bad' haha... NOW if only they had the half-chocolate and half-vanialla twist ones here... ahhhhh that'd be heaven. You know those? They don't have them here in NZ...

( AND Do you know? I used to have the Fisher-Price McDonald's Kitchen set, like this, yes they whole big thing with the drive through window and kitchen. The soft-serve machine was my favourite part!!!)

9. Thankful that we have made it to 24 weeks and 5 days of pregnancy.

It is fascinating and awesome to think that if I had the baby now (of course not ideal but just saying...) he would have a chance at surviving outside the womb. It would be registered as a birth in some countries, not sure about here. Just quite a thought! Praising God for this life.

10. Thankful for my mother who continues to feed me. She's been bringing me pots of food so that I don't have to cook that much. They last the husband and I a few meals a week.

It is a massive blessing because I've been so tired and some evenings I work, so it makes it very convenient. However, I hope she isn't using up all her cooking stamina because I'll need it more when baby comes!

Had a lunch break between writing point 8. and points 9.-10. so now it is like almost two! haha. Have a good day out there.

What To Do

It seems silly to be writing a blog post when there are people in Christchurch waiting to be rescued after the earthquake. It has barely been twenty-four hours and yet so much has happened! I think many of us in Auckland feel helpless as there's nothing we can do except sit, watch and pray.

I feel like infertility and loss has taught me again and again that you can live life in 'two dimensions' (or levels?). Like you live the everyday and try your best with your daily activities where you move and and keep going in hope, but your inner life can be filled with much commotion like painful waiting or grief that you don't/can't wear on the outside.

I think this is what it is like in a disaster situation too... you are trying to get on with life or be pro-active in doing something, but your insides (heart, mind, etc.) is swarming with questions and emotion.

The hard part is sometimes the two seem to be in contrast, like me typing at my computer in my safe little Auckland-bubble, while thinking and praying for others who are in absolute danger or looking for missing family.

So..  transitioning to my small world, I was thinking to write a quick update. I've made it to 21 weeks! I'm past halfway. The husband managed to feel movements for the first time the other day too. That was very exciting and emotional for me! Thankful!

It has been neat for me to share about this pregnancy with others. In doing so I've learnt more about the journeys of other people I've come across. Just in the past few weeks three people I've spoken to have revealed that they also had trouble conceiving at some point- one had secondary infertility and the other two also went through a time of primary infertility.

What's interesting is that if I didn't share about our difficulties, they probably wouldn't have either! It is definitely extra cool sharing with people who understand how huge this is to us.

Lastly, Esther wrote this post today that was vulnerable and food-for-thought, whether we are dealing with IF or in other tricky situations. Thought it was definitely one for sharing.

Hope you are ok out there? Thanks for reading!

He Would Make a Good Dad

Did you cry too when you watched the scene in Up when they did a montage of their marriage and they found out the couldn't have kids?

I even blinked back a few tears the other day in Tangled when the queen looks at the king and he is weeping because his daughter is missing. It felt so familiar.

How do you describe the impact of infertility or loss on a marriage? How do you express what you feel when you know your beloved is longing for the same thing you are and you are both helpless?

I may be pregnant and embracing it. (I mean, I even braved up today and entered my due date in the (usually evil) Babycenter website so they could send me stuff I should be thinking about, etc)... But the experiences don't leave you... at least not for a while.

These two powerful posts from Life As Two are SO worth reading.
You can read Funny Face first, as it is what the second post, A Father's Love, is then based on.

I know our journey has not been like theirs, but the feelings are so similar. She couldn't have put it in a better way.

Loosely Accurate General Preg Timeline/Milestone Info

A couple friends/family members have asked me when the main 'milestones' are in terms of pregnancy... like when would we know that everything's ok.

And generally, you can't be sure at anytime really, until the baby is born and you can see him/her, and the docs can check things, but I thought some of this info might be helpful. May be boring.

Those who know me (will laugh and) know that even though I'm a detailed person and have sat through many fertility appointments, when it comes to regurgitating certain info, like medical things, I pretty much zone out, so this is probably filled with incorrect terminology and slightly watered down science.

week 1
From week 1-8, they call baby 'an embryo'.

As a general rule of thumb, you start counting 'weeks of pregnancy' when your last period starts. (I know, I've always found that interesting cos' that is before sperm-meets-egg, but it is actually neat to think the whole process starts with the follicle/egg growing!)

week 2
End of this week is roughly when most ovulate (but it varies).

I don't take for granted that many of us struggle to even make it to week 2. IF-ers pray for good follicles here and may get an extra 'trigger' boost to make ovulation happen.

Yes let's just spell it out, this is when you want to be having sexual intercourse if you are trying to have a baby.

week 4
This is when your period may be due, and about the earliest anyone realises they are pregnant. IF-ers on fertility treatment often do a blood test here to find out after the dreadful two-week-wait.

week 6
IF-ers (and sometimes those who have suffered a miscarriage in the past) often have an ultrasound scan here to try to detect a yolk sac and heartbeat- heartbeat may not be detectable yet here. Some also scan around here for 'dating' if you don't ovulate regularly.

week 8
From about here or 9 weeks on, they call baby 'a foetus'.

RPL (recurrent pregnancy loss) types may have another scan here to check on the baby. They may also be having regular blood tests every week since finding out, to track pregnancy hormone levels are rising like normally should...

I'm not huge on relying on stats, but overall, if a heartbeat is detected here, they say it is a 97% chance that you will carry to term.

week 12
This is the end of the first trimester. Losses that take place in the first trimester are called 'early miscarriages'.
(Again, stats don't mean a lot to me personally, but they can be helpful...) If you make it here with good bloods and good scans, they say the risk if miscarriage it no more than 1%.

For those on the more normal end, this is when you have your first scan. (You may also have the 'nuchal' option to the scan which is when they check on the probablility of your child having Down Syndrome.)

That's why, for many, they announce their pregnancy to the wider public around 12-14 weeks.

week 20
Those under specialists may have been doing scans more often, but overall, you have your 'anatomy' scan around here, when they check on the baby's organs and how they are functioning, etc.

Many also find out the sex of the baby here. Or not. (We are hoping to!)

Losing a baby after the first trimester and before 20-ish weeks is sometimes termed a 'late miscarriage'. (Note:  light bleeding in the second and third trimester is often caused by other things, not necessarily because baby is in trouble. )

If the baby dies after 20 weeks (some sources may vary), this is called a 'preterm birth' or a 'stillbirth'.

week 24-25ish
This is the third trimester.

Some babies born around here survive so they they reach a stage of potential viability. (Some countries will register a baby born here as a birth.)

For many, reaching this is another big milestone.

week 30+
There's another scan around here to check on the placenta, position, etc.

[Probably missing some good info here... blah blah...]

week 37-42
Pregnancies last around 38 weeks. So 37-42 weeks is when people usually expect to have the baby.

Ultimately, making it here would be fab!

A note to you.

A special note to IF friends and sisters, and others who are/have been waiting with me:

Hi there. Your support and encouragement has been invaluable to me.

SO. Now I have become one of "those" women, who tried almost everything, was on a break, applied for adoption, and got pregnant out of the blue. I am praying my story does not haunt and irritate other waiting-women for years to come- but I have no control over it (I'm sorry... sigh!).

At the same time, I know this story is a miracle. I have not tracked an ovulation for the three years we've been trying, besides when on fertility drugs. I mean, I have joked about an immaculate conception, but I feel like this comes pretty close and I'm so thankful for this. I'm also so aware that the fact that we've made it to 13 weeks and 2 days of pregnancy with no complications is another miracle, after the ones we've lost early.

I don't know why God has decided to show us such grace at this time, yes we have been praying and others too, but so have you for your child, so why me and not you, and why now and not before or later, who knows?

We don't take this for granted and we are trying our best to celebrate each day of it, while praying we can carry this one to term.

When I wrote 'unexpected journey' in the little blurb under my blog title I didn't really think of this extent of the unexpected! Gosh. Yet at the same time we've been praying for it so what else was I thinking? I'm also still keen to continue this blog so we'll see what happens.

I just wanted to acknowledge you and let you know that your support and prayers are what have sustained us and continue to be needed. I also want to keep caring for you so please let me know how best I can.

Love s

Christmas Day

Merry Christmas everyone!

(nativity set from my in-laws. first christmas that i get to display them! fun times.)

How are you doing?

I know today is a day of celebrating and enjoying time with friends and family. For us we pretty much received our gift and Christmas miracle early- our pregnancy. (um... Read previous post if you missed that.) Who knew? I still can't help but say it all seems so crazy. However I have also been thinking of those in the midst of a heart-breaking time.

I have two special friends who have gone through miscarriages this week. Each of them are very dear to me and it is heart-breaking to know they are grieving for their little child, especially right in this season of what should be joy and hope. Even though I can relate, I want so much to comfort them but words still escape me.

I also acknowledge a friend who misses her mother who has passed, and another friend who is going through a marriage separation.

These are all paths they also never imagined they'd be on. At times like Christmas, as much as it is a wonderful time, I'm sure you IF-ers know too, the realities of life can be so hard to avoid- yet another Christmas tree with no presents under it to buy for the child you imagine you'd have by now.

'I'm praying for you' is what I say, but it can seem so empty or overused when the depth of the pain appears so bottomless...

Oh Lord I continue to be thankful and overwhelmed by the infinite nature of your grace and mercy. The birth of Christ signifies the hope and life you bring. Yet I'm sure You also knew the double-edged-ness on the day of His birth, as it would mean His death and sacrifice for all of ours. (I think there is a song about this or maybe many songs but I can't remember it right now.)

You probably also had great joy and great sorrow as Jesus was welcomed to this broken world- knowing what was to come. I pray for comfort for these dear friends Lord. It can only come from You. All the words and gifts we may bring are useless and ultimately empty without You involved.

There are also so many questions we bring Lord. Could you have made it less painful? Better timing? Saved it for when we were prepared? How long more?

Anyway. We bring you these messed-up things and we know there is no other way but to let you handle them.

I know. Sorta heavy. But that's just what's on my mind. Hmmm...

It is actually already the end of Christmas day here. I had a lovely day (pancakes, presents, Skype, family, friends, etc. ) with special family here and I hope the same has been/will be for you too.

(this is what my living room is looking like...)

Goodnight!

Five In One

Okay so the problem with not keeping up with blogging is that there starts to be so many things to say! Today I'm going to list- just to 5.

(this star has 5-points too. i know. deep.)

Stick with me people, there's some exciting stuff to be shared! Warning: lots of links so be prepared to right-click and 'open in new tab' (hopefully haha), lots of things relating to Christmas. (If you don't have the stamina for this list today, at least read point 1!)


1. CELEBRATION TIME! Grace and her husband at Chois-R-Us who are adopting have finally finally gotten their call to go to Korea.

She has been waiting for her son to come home for so long. Many of us have been waiting with her. She is a fabulous blogger and never fails to make me laugh. I'm just so stoked for her and her husband that their journey to bringing their dear boy home is at a final stage. Praying that things continue smoothly from here on and there are no hiccups. Woopwoop!

2. SHOPPING IDEA. Online shopping can be so good. Through Grace, I found this blog by Kelly- Life with Briar. They have also adopted and this blog is about life with their daughter. What's also fun is that Kelly makes crochet hats, clips and other fun accessories! Her Etsy shop is called BriarClaire (and I've already bought a couple things for my nieces overseas hehe).

3. CHRISTMAS. Christmas trees are going up all around us! Have you done yours? For the first few years of marriage, the husband and I delayed getting a Christmas tree because we (like many other couples) thought to wait until we had kids.

About a year into our infertility journey, we realised we could be waiting for a long time... so we decided to 'stuff it' and get a tree. I love that we made that decision to start enjoying what Christmas is about (like not simply about children) and creating our own traditions with or without kids. It was actually also good for us because it reminded us that we are a whole and complete family unit even as two.

4. IF AND CHRISTMAS. For those dealing with infertility or loss, Christmas is a hard time because there are so many reminders of things we are waiting for or miss. What are some aspects you struggle with? How are you coping? What are some ways you've found that help?

I don't have any great thoughts right at this moment but I'd love to come up with a 'guide' so if you have any ideas let me know.

Here are a few links that have caught my attention:

• Stirrup Queens wrote a post a week ago, 'Fire and Ice', thinking through whether to go to possibly-difficult baby-related events or not... not totally related to Christmas but sorta is... and is interesting.

• She's also got this popular older post that is a Holiday Survival Guide for IF-types that is pretty funny in parts.

• My recent favourite The Nester writes this post about doing less and enjoying more this season- not related to infertility or baby loss but something to think about for those like me who can tend to make life more complicated than necessary sometimes! 

• (She also has awesome ideas for wreaths and other 'crafts' if you like that sorta stuff. See the bottom of this post.)

• Beckie's Infertility Diaries posts about how it is so easy to think other people have had an easier time when maybe they didn't. TOTALLY.  Overly beautiful pregnant women, sweet happy families with tons of kids, perky parents of newborns, um... yup I'm horrible I know I know. But how many times have I walked past with so much seething envy? ALL based on assumptions that it was a smooth ride for them, when I have no idea. This, unlike me sigh, is a sweet post. 

5. BODY STUFF. On quite a different note, after a Christmas meal or not, I often struggle with dealing with how I look, and weight issues, my imperfections in general etc.

I waste a lot of precious energy concerned about this stuff and am continually having to go to God about this. I've come a long way but this has been a life-long thing for me- and probably will be.

This post, 'The Scale', at (in)courage is a good reminder, as when we let our minds get too preoccupied with 'fat or not fat', 'heavy or too heavy', 'eat this or not', not just are we doing damage to ourselves but also to others who see us as an example- daughters, friends, those we mentor, other women around us etc. 

This topic really gets me going so I can go on about it for a while, haha, but I will leave it for another day! 

So that's me for now. Hopefully not too long until the next post.

My Talk-In-Front-of-Church Thingy

If you meet me in real life you'll immediately know I'm not an upfront-speak-to-crowd kind of person. That's why this past Sunday was especially scary and cool. Scary that I was sharing some of our story to the whole church, but cool that I got the opportunity to do it and hopefully it reached out to someone who maybe has been on a similar path.

My prayer was that I wouldn't cry and wouldn't cough. Neither of those are majorly life-threatening (in fact, I highly support crying) but I just knew it would be good for me (i.e. prevent mind block up on stage) in this case if I didn't. Thank God that it all went smoothly and I managed to hold of the crazy coughing for later.

Here's what I said:

Are you where you thought you would be a few years ago?

I'm sure many of you can understand what it is like to be on an unexpected journey.

I’m S. My husband J and I got married six years ago. In our third year into marriage we decided to start trying for a baby, little did we know what lay ahead.

 These past three years we have undergone eight rounds of fertility treatment, I have had two surgeries, we have gone on holiday, we have tried to relax, we have had less caffeine, we have taken more vitamins, we have lost weight, gained weight, exercised, not exercised, tried alternative methods, basically tried different things to get pregnant. [Managed to get a few laughs here...]

In this time we have conceived and sadly we have lost four little lives early on in pregnancy.

Where this journey is hardest, is all the unknowns... naive as it may sound, some days we feel like yelling, this is not what I signed up for!

Questions that we sometimes ask are: How long will we wait? Will we ever have children? What treatment should we pursue? How many rounds?

Should we even pursue treatment? How do we trust God to provide? When do we consider other options? How do we cope with this rollercoaster of hope and disappointment?

I acknowledge that J and I have been fortunate enough to get pregnant, but for us, the question is also, will we carry a baby to term?

As you can imagine infertility and pregnancy loss impacts marriage. Jason and I deal with these issues so differently, that it can be very difficult to be on the same page.

There is also a deep sense of grief and depression that exists when dealing with infertility and pregnancy loss. With infertility, you mourn the child you dreamt of having, the thought of having a family.

With miscarriage, you mourn the child you carried for a time but won't get to meet in this lifetime and the things you longed to experience with them... and for some couples you ache to provide a sibling to an existing child.

It is a hard one to escape as there are so many reminders around us of what we miss or don’t have. Events like Christmas, Easter, Mother's Day and Father's Day can be met with such mixed feelings for those of us on this journey. J and I are full of joy for loved ones around us but we also feel the pain of yet another year celebrating it without kids.

I share this with you because infertility or loss is real for many couples around us. They may be your friends, family or colleagues. They may be open with their journey or they may be more private.
If you and your spouse are going through this, [our church] would just like to let you know that we want to care for you.

We’re not sure what this looks like yet, but we would definitely like to pray for you and support you. We understand that this is a difficult journey so we want to provide a place where you feel you can feel safe about it. This may be in the shape of a group, meeting up for a coffee or maybe even just a regular email.

You can contact me blahblah, etc...

Thank you.

I was shaking when I did it and I shook even after I sat down next to the husband. I hope no one noticed haha.

It was especially neat because the message was on community and how to be caring for each other in a deeper and real way (Galatians um... somewhere in there... I obviously wasn't paying enough attention!) so my bit served as an introduction to the message. Felt pretty special!

Doing this meant so much to me. It also occured very strongly to me how cared for I am by people around me, and how supported I am by the church with this whole idea to set up a kind of support network for others dealing with infertility, pregnancy loss or related issues.

I'm praying that wherever you are and whatever stage you're at, that you will also have someone you can talk to or feel safe with on this journey, as it can just be such a peculiar one to understand.