Going Public

Okay so not everyone will approve of this maybe but yesterday I posted our news on Facebook. I thought about it for a long (LONG) time and I decided to do it.

I know I know. Previously, I've moaned about how pregnancy announcements (like ones on Facebook) can be so hard- and they are... whatever the means of communication is. (Interestingly, since being pregnant, I have still found them difficult! Hard one to decipher.) So I tried to make sure I worded it sensibly and I emailed/messaged close friends a while beforehand so hopefully it lessens those who may find it hard or too surprising, as the surprise factor is always an element of it too.

You can't please everyone huh. And I know I'd like to so this is a learning process for me too.

For me writing that 'status' thing was a way for us to 'go public' and also to celebrate this baby. I also wanted to acknowledge that there are many friends and family who are with us on this ride, especially those who have been praying for us... this is answer to their prayers too... so I hope that was obvious.

Oh this is what I said if you are curious (yeah I maximised the 420-ish spaces you are allowed haha):

We have a bun in the oven. Not kidding. As u can imagine, we are thankful beyond words, n God has definitely surprised us with this ridiculously awesome gift. Thankful for many of u who have been praying for n journeying with us. We've also made it to 14 weeks, which is a massive miracle n further (n less complicated) than our previous pregnancies. Celebrate n pray with us that we will be able to carry baby to term!

Overall... I am grateful for the fact that I even get to say, 'We're pregnant.' That has been a phrase that I have become so allergic to these past years. I know some of you guys know what I mean.

Hmmm... I guess the conflicting beast that infertility is continues for a while!

ANYWAY. I'm on break, can you tell? That's why I have time to post haha. Talk more soon.

Ten Things at 10 am

(Started at 10am but had to leave so... posted at 7pm haha...)

Okay so I'm not sure if when you post two posts in one day, they get easily missed? Is that like a blogging no-no? But oh well. Some days I just have more time than others... so here I go.

I'm THANKFUL FOR:

1. Yesterday I spent some time with a new friend. She is dealing with secondary infertility, well, in the sense that she can conceive but has miscarried repeatedly... We had lunch and I had a wonderful time getting to know her, and I am learning more about infertility on another level- like even after you have a child. I'm thankful that God has provided me with friends like her who understand this deep ache.

2. I have a few friends who don't struggle with infertility but who have been really commited to trying to 'get' this road that I'm on. I am thankful for them because they are trying to see things from my perspective and even though it is hard for them to see it, they make so much effort to. It makes me feel very loved and appreciated, and I have much to learn from them!

3. New duvet cover!

(part of pillowcase- oops... upside down)

My mom got me a new duvet cover quite a few months ago... it is not exactly our bedroom style so I had to think about it for a while but it is SO gorgeous (and I don't really have a defined style anyway haha) so I'm gonna use it. But it is WHITE-based... so Miss Play-it-safe here is taking a risk, gonna go for it and use it. Oh dear Sammy boy, please don't lay your paws on it when I'm not looking.

4. New handbag.

Wow. My mom (again) went away recently and the crazylady bought me a fancy new handbag. What?? I don't need one. She just got me one a for my birthday a few months ago too. But some of you can see where my 'shopping for others' habit comes from. It is very cool, but it is red, white and navy so I can't wear too many colours when I'm using it or I'll look a bit too colourful. Love the 'marine' thing about it though. Thanks mom!

5. It is cool today. It is probably gonna rain! I know this is weird, cos' I've been wanting the warm weather for so long. But I would like it to be cool for tomorrow's run!!! (Please please stay cloudy for one more day...) I'm checking the weather like every few hours.

6. Ice cream sandwiches. (I love the new Magnum ice-cream sandwich.) Thankful for this invention... ahhh...

7. Less than eight weeks to Christmas! We have family visiting!

8. Our adoption assessment should be done by the end of December- then we will be deemed 'fit to be adoptive parents', hopefully. We have a lovely social worker who has been super pro-active. Even though realistically there are very few babies up for local adoption, we are still thankful that the process has been faster than we'd previously thought and the experience has been handle-able so far.

9. My work/ministry was in the local community paper this week! It was a great write up and led to quite a lot of interest. So cool.

10. I'm really nervous-excited about tomorrow's run, but I'm glad I get to do this. In reality we all know this is something I wouldn't be able to do or train for if I was pregnant or had a little one. I need to remember to not take this for granted.

Of course, I would give it up in a heartbeat for those things, and it is hard for me to not view this as a 'consolation prize'. This whole running-thing will always be so (argh) conflicting for me because last year I watched my friends take part while I didn't cos' I was pregnant, yet we miscarried soon after. And this year I get to do it but only cos' this last little one didn't stay either... ugh.

But on another level I'm glad I'm healthy and my wobbly knees have held on this long. This has been a good 'challenge' for me mentally and physically to work towards, to feel like I can accomplish stuff in the midst of this baby-madness and I'm super thankful for all the encouragement and support I've gotten.

I even have a friend running with me tomorrow to pace me and the husband and some good friends to wave me on along the way. Stoked!


Weekendweekendweekendiloveyou. Have a good one!

Baby Boom

Kids and babies are everywhere! Hiding in all the nooks and crannies. I'm sure there are more when you are struggling to have your own. How do you cope?

(Some of my friends' kids are kinda like my nieces and nephews because my real ones are so far away! They are in the U.S. and in Canada. Sucks!)

I love hanging out with the children around me but it is not always easy. How can something be so awesome and so painful at the same time?

Last week I held a sweet three month old baby! She is a daughter of a close friend, I've seen her before and I kinda didn't think twice about it, but suddenly when she was in my arms... it was hard.

All the thoughts came rushing to me. She is a month older than Baby N would be. She is beautiful. I couldn't help but wonder about what N would've been like...

I realised later that it has been a long time since I held a little baby so that was probably why too. I wasn't prepared.

This past weekend, I also decided to attend a baby dedication of another good friend. I know I didn't have to, and I usually recommend others to do whatever's comfortable for them (and I have to admit I usually lean to the side of 'don't go if it is too difficult').

We go to the same church, so it was a tricky one. Plus I'd already missed their celebration for his first birthday so I felt like I needed to be there. To go or not to go... there's just no right or wrong answers for it, but there is pressure from within myself and fear of what others might think of me.

Oh that fear is so strong within me- what will they think if I'm not there, what kind of friend am I, what if other people notice, what if I cry, etc.

Anyway, this one I was prepared for. Maybe my motivation wasn't top-of-the-pops great, but oh well. I still cried my way through the worship stuff which is pretty typical- so I think it actually was just as hard as any other church service I go to- but I did get to witness friends commit their parenthood and child to God.

Yesterday we visited a friend and ex-colleague whose daugher is over one and a half years old. I remember her specifically because her due date was a few weeks earlier than mine would've been with Baby B, our first baby we got pregnant with but lost in 2008. It was cool to see her now- so big. She's another gorgeous kid!

Obviously there are many children around who are about one and a half, not just her, and I don't freak out every time I see one, but I think I do stare at them a little extra hard. (Sorry... not meant to be weird. Just what I do.)

There's also a baby shower coming up that I'd like to be at, but also know it will be hard. So... we'll see. I wish I could just 'not think about it' but it is easier said than done!

Sometimes I think I'm getting better at this but I really don't know. Randomly (not always...) the pain inside is so acute, it feels like a bloated balloon that is about to burst.

Anyway. I'm thankful for God's sustenance and faithfulness amidst this chaos inside. How else would I be doing this? He has provided me with friends who show me much understanding and grace.

Bit of a blabby post today huh folks... hope you are enjoying your Friday evening... thanks for sticking with me!

Gratefulness and Grief

One of the things I've been learning through infertility is the 'duality' of things. For one, gratefulness and grief. They seem to be on opposite ends but they really are a combo.

(I love this and have been saving this photo for something. Since there are two flamingoes that make up a one gorgeous pair, I thought it'd be cool for this post!)

I've been thinking about this topic for a long time- things like these keep me awake at night! (Do you do that too?)

It has come up because I think sometimes we feel like we should not be 'down' or should only be for a short time. There are a few logical reasons for this.

One, I think we are nervous  about how we look- as it portrays that we are not grateful or thankful for what we have. It makes us look greedy, needy or dissatisfied. For example, I am married so I should find sufficient peace and happiness in my marriage and be grateful for that, instead of continually aching for children.

Totally. I'm all for 'counting my blessings', believe me! It makes sense. But honestly, at times, depending on the context, a response like that can be somewhat harsh.

Two, as Christians, there is that sense that we should be 'happy' because of what Christ has done for us, and though this is true, maybe being happy-all-the-time is unrealistic. We can be full of joy but we may not be happy about everything. I think there is a difference between joy and happiness. Happy being more of an emotional response, where as joy is maybe being positively assured and knowing you are okay deep at the core of you? Maybe? Hmmm... (Maybe I'll leave this for a Part 2 or something... )

Three, often grief involves questioning God himself, our concept of who God is and faith and sometimes we are nervous to do so. Fair enough.

I find grief a hard word to describe. My definition would be something like- engaging in and responding to the situation that has left a large impact, or something like that... There is also the famous five stages of grief that are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. This is a useful way to understand the way grief is expressed, as we go through it.

With infertility, because it is not a one-off situation and there is no closure for a while or at all, even the five stages of grief may be an insufficient way to express it, as instead, it is an ongoing process, and the 'stages' pop up here and there and we get better at dealing with them, but they come back throughout life. Complicated.

For me, in terms of infertility and miscarriage, it is easy to think that it is simply all about babies. Like if you plonked a baby on my lap, all will be solved. Sadly it is not that simple, I have discovered there are more layers to this.

I grieve:

• the loss of being able to ovulate as a woman usually does,
• the loss of being able to conceive all by ourselves,
• the loss of carrying a baby/being pregnant to term,
• the loss of giving birth to a baby,
• the loss of bringing up a child,
• the loss of having a child that looks like us.

Now, please please know that I am aware these things may change in the future (or could already be changing) and we do have hope that it will, and pray that it will, but as we live in the present, this is the reality for me now. These are the issues I'm having to engage in and process through. Does that make sense?

It is not necessarily that I'm sad or crying all the time, it is more that these issues are always close to my heart, I wrestle with them daily and I have an ongoing discussion about them- with God, others, myself.

At the same time, I am grateful for everything I have. Quite possibly, in light of what I don't have, it makes me treasure what I do have all the more.

I have an indescribably-awesome husband, supportive friends, caring family, shelter, food, great country to live in, a job that is meaningful, an income, shoes, bags, clothes, etc. God's made me to be someone unique, with my own particular quirks (lots), strengths and weaknesses. I've been slowly molded as I've been following Christ. I'm learning a lot from the decisions I've made, etc... I am thankful for many things and I can list a hundred more things I'm grateful for if you ask me to.

So how does this work?

I guess they are not mutually exclusive. Having the bacon doesn't mean you will automatically resist the chocolate cake. (Probably not a fool-proof illustration, but I thought I'd use it anyway, as food's always a good one haha...)

I am discovering I can be grieving and grateful at the same time. And I'm learning to not be afraid of engaging in the seemingly 'sad' or difficult things in life. (Of course there is a point to which we should dwell on this stuff... as being too introspective has its hazards too!)

I think this reflects the reality of being human. We know things can be better and we seek it out. Whether we believe in God or not, we all seem to have this sense of looking forward to something better- desiring things to be fixed, made good, improved etc.

I believe this is because we all have an understanding of perfection, and as we are imperfect beings in a broken world, we desire it. What I'm trying to say is that longing for things to be made good is a natural part of us and it will not go away, probably not until heaven.

Additionally, we are only able to truly understand the beautiful and lovely things in life, only when we can also grasp the difficult and the ugly, as they exist in relation to each other.

What do you think?

Hmmm... I'm trying very hard to keep my posts short-ish haha... so I will end here for now... I hope this made sense and connected with you too (and that you are keeping warm wherever you are)!

Bumping into Bumps, Blood, I'm Blabbing, etc.

I know! A whole week has gone by. Yikes.

So last weekend, the husband brought me to a small farmer's market just out of Auckland. It was a lovely way to spend the Saturday! I had a lot of fun. He even got all prepared and had cash on hand for us to spend at the stalls. Very sweet of him. I'm looking forward to more trips there, even if it is just to wander around. We had a lot of yummy things to eat. Like this:

mmmmmm...

We kinda had to laugh though... one of the very first things that literally greeted us when we first arrived was we heard our names called out loudly from somewhere, and when we looked up it was my old friend who is heavily pregnant. (Hadn't seen her for aaaages but I knew they were pregnant. Surprise factor- low. Phew.) The 'laughing' part has nothing to do with her though really. Like it was so good catching up and seeing her and her hubby all.

But here we were, driving out of the city, trying so hard to get away for a while and not think about our 'issues', being confronted with a very big and friendly reminder of all the things I was avoiding that day. Just had to try and keep it light inside of me and not try to crumple too much and still engage in conversation about the upcoming birth of the baby, etc. Focus S, focus. On them. Not yourself. Oh Lord help me. HA. Yes, I know. I'm selfish and I'm weak, a fab combo. (Oh dear friend, if you ever read this please trust that my communication was sincere, it is just always so so conflicting inside of me!)

Anyway.  I had a fabulous long weekend. And Saturday was a great day, including everything in it. Life is just so funny sometimes. Funny haha and funny painful all together in one big blobby bundle.

And I'm back on the blood bandwagon people! Have already had two blood tests (one a week)... this is to track my freshly drilled ovary (just one was done) and see if it is doing anything on its own. I'm not afraid of blood tests but some days, my vein doesn't cooperate and they have to fish around for it after the poke!!! Fun times.

Dare I even hope to ovulate on my own? I don't know. Didn't work last time, so I don't know where to put my hopes this time. You know?

Oh who am I kidding... I'm hoping this works. I always do.

Do you?

As always, it is late, so many more things to say... Type more soon.