Almost a Year Old

Toby is almost one- just two weeks to go!

We fly tomorrow to Canada and the U.S. for 3.5 weeks. I'm nervous and excited at the same time.

Life has been busybusy... but as I walk around my house filled with random containers (good toys), non-sticky stickers and bits of cardboard boxes (good toys too)...  I realise I am living my dream. I have a son. He is getting big fast.

About a month ago was Mother's Day and I got a nice breakfast in bed. And a couple weeks ago we dedicated Toby at church. Our pastor made it very personal for us and it was special. Both were days I kinda half-wanted-half-dreaded but they were very sweet.

Interestingly we dedicated Toby on the due date of one of our previous babies. We didn't realise it till after it was planned! I think God does weird things like that. Maybe just to remind me He knows. He knows and remembers.

And truth is since Toby was born, I've thought about the 'next' child. I try not to too much but I also can't help it! Thankfully I'm not too obsessed with it right now. I want to enjoy Toby and I am!

People ask about having a 'second' and I still never quite know what to say. I don't know if I'm fertile. I'd love another but we all know it is not that straightforward. In my head I have a deadline. I'm thinking we will see the specialists when we hit that deadline- I think.

Anyway. Life is good. We are thankful we are able to go on this big trip to see family and friends as well as some ministry supporters. I hope Toby will behave on the long plane rides. Without shame, I have armed myself with drowsy meds for him if we need it. I'll let you know how it goes.

Toby will turn one while we are in Canada which will be super special. I'm thinking through what sort of celebration to have when we come home and have a little party for our friends and family here. I am terrible because I love ideas but I get overwhelmed with all the details. Grrrr.

Well, back to the packing I go...

Here are some photos.

 (Toby with his cardboard car. Looking a tad homeless with the socks falling off...)

 (We went to the zoo as a little family and advance-birthday activity.)

 (Us at the zoo.)

 (Nap-face. Awesome overalls from Ch!)

(What? There's a Toby in there too?- Us at the mall playground. Can't believe he's old enough to like it. Ahhhh!)

 

 (Monkey and monkey.)

 (Overdosing on blueberries, after having kiwifruit... hehe)

 (Prepping the bath by loading it up with bath toys.)

Bunch of Things

BIRTHDAY

This week I turned 30.

Loved it. I got to have a fancy-schmancy dinner with the husband, and even though the evening went a little weird after dessert (i.e. I got annoyed cos' he told me we had to go home suddenly)... it turned out to be totally worth the slight emotional breakdown because I had a surprise party waiting for me back home. Had no idea.

I admit I am not great at receiving surprises on the outside (facial expression, etc.) and I think I just looked stunned the whole evening. And my brain got fuzzy too- when a couple friends wished me, "Happy Birthday" and gave me a hug I said, "Happy Birthday!" back.  Um. No.

But I was glad. I felt loved and I know there was a lot of work put into it. Thanks!

It was awesome knowing I was cared for and that friends wanted to celebrate with me! Plus I got gifts which is also always a big bonus. Don't all come rushing over to check out my whistling garden gnome! (I know. Quirky gifts probably mean I'm a quirky person. It is ok. I'm dealing with the reality.)

I ended my 'birthday week' (as if I'm Oprah or Ellen or one of those) with a lovely cafe brunch (coffee and a plate of pancakes) with some close friends. It was a sweet week.

I'm not afraid of being thirty. Truth is that it could be easier now that I have Toby. Or maybe because I married someone eight years older- so I'm always the 'young wife' hhahaha. Or maybe it will catch up with me in a few months. I'm not sure.

PRE-MIDDLE AGE CRISIS?

But I have done something crazy. I've signed up for a marathon. Yup a whole whopping 42km.

Today I ran 1.6km. I need to multiply that by TWENTY SIX TIMES.

I have wanted to take on a full marathon but not like now! However when the Auckland Marathon registrations opened, I thought hard about it and figured that life is not going to get less busy nor am I going to get more 'ready' to do it, so I might as well try now.

I'm trying to be as realistic as I can about it. I'm prepared to see the podiatrist, the physio, etc. We'll see...

INFERTILITY AWARENESS WEEK

Veering off to another topic- It has been Infertility Awareness Week in the States (and Canada? Not sure.). And Mother's Day is round the corner for us here in NZ (which is pretty much kinda like inverted-infertility-awareness weeks for some of us)...

So here's a couple links if you feel like a browse:

I liked Every Week is Infertility Awareness Week by Stirrup Queens  as it is a bit raw but touches on how infertility doesn't necessarily have an end for certain people.

And on a different note I love the honesty in this one, The Ugly Truth.

That's me for now.

Here's a photo! Us having gelato after the fancy dinner. (I love my husband.)

Bunch 'O' Thoughts- Baby, Birthdays, Easter

(bunch)

Baby-related thoughts
1. So weird. You spend four years waiting for a baby and now that he's on the way... I feel totally unprepared.

I think my brain has been so centered on how to conceive and keep pregnancy going, now maybe compared to normal women, I have a lot to catch up on with the thought of labour and post-natal care! We'll get there...

2. Feels a bit like a dream. Every now and then, like when I wake up and am lying on the bed, I forget that I'm pregnant. Then I try to get up... and I remember I'm pregnany cos' I can't get up haha.

3. It is just amazing to think that the baby will look like the husband and I. I can't get over this! I stare at the husband and am so excited to see how the baby will resemble him. In our heads, we were prepared for a baby that didn't look like us (adoption) and we're still keen on that one day... but it has been surprisingly hard to switch our heads back!

4. I tried out this ante-natal swimming class the other day. It was so much fun! Only pregnant women (and maybe seniors) have the excuse to goof-off in the swiming pool/ do odd exercises and get away with it. I also got to make a couple of new friends, so hopefully I'll get to know them better...

CELEBRATION- some stuff I'm learning (probably from my dear friend C, and maybe TV haha)
5. Birthdays
Birthdays can be hard. Especially if you are dealing with IF, birthdays sort of stare you in the face like a horrible countdown timer. I know I'm still 'young', but birthdays have begun to carry more weight in the past couple years. This year I loved hanging out with the husband and just having some time to ourselves. (We went to Rotorua. Thanks for house-sitting, KP!) It was great as it has felt so hectic these past months.

Here are some ideas to deal with birthdays... at least for me.
a) Embrace them! Whether quietly or loudly, let it be a time to celebrate your life thus far and think about something else for a while.

b) Make it kinda like some other big occasion- Christmas, New Year, Chinese New Year haha etc. For me, I unofficially make it Birthday Week or Birthday Month (yes, kinda like Oprah or Ellen on TV)... do small things you've been wanting to do for youself- bake treats, get hair done etc.

c) Get an outfit? I like clothes. Make a birthday shirt (yes with your age somewhere on it if you dare), or get a fun dress... if you're not into clothes, I've thought of a necklace with the numbers of your age on it or some crafty project to commemorate the specific year. Why not?

(this year i got a polka dot dress as my 'birthday outfit' haha. pictured with mintchocchip frappucino.)

d) Let others do stuff for you if they want to. If someone offers to pamper you with a meal or movie, let them! I loved that I got a cake baked for me.

e) Food- I celebrate with food a lot, and I know many others do, so keep that as a part of the birthday deal!

f) Party- I am not a party-thrower, but a friend recently did one as her birthday co-incided with the Royal Wedding. She had a girl's night and guests came in their wedding dresses or bridesmaids dress, etc. It was such a clever idea! And a great way to have a night of fun.

6. Easter
Like many others, I've 'saved' up ideas in my head on what I'd do if I had kids... even though many 'holidays' mean more than just family activities, it does get hard when it is a reminder that you don't have children.

This year, even though we are not far from having this baby, we had our own little Easter Egg Hunt. Just the two of us.

The weather hasn't been fab at all, so we just got allocated parts of the house, the husband hid the pink and yellow eggs (for me) and I hid the green and blue ones. Sammy the dog had a hard time figuring out what we were doing! It was a short hunt as it was just indoors, but it was still a little burst of fun and silliness. (I kinda laugh that I'm trying to embrace this 'life of two' more now as this we are becoming three... typical huh.)

11 Things I'm Thankful for...

(Started with 10 but expanded one to 11 so oh well... )

1. I've lived this long. 28 years haha.

2. The husband is doing better... slowly.

3. I have a husband who spoils me- but also doesn't let me get away with 'crap'... least not too much.

4. Had a fun few days celebrating my birthday, especially sharing the actual day with a fab friend with the same birthdate. Love it.

5. Got cool presents- cooking/sewing books, chocolate, voucher for a food processor someday, super cute apron, a lovely meal, etc.

6. I attended a sweet wedding service that was on my birthday! It was gorgeous.

7. Got given time off work on my birthday- so generously covered by a good friend.

8. The husband helped me put shelves up in the house that I've been waiting to do.

9. Got lots of lovely birthday messages.

10. It is coming up to 6 months since November- I've survived in general, and I've survived the 'not trying' (when I say that I mean not going through any fertility treatments).

11. This past week has been relatively low-drama- the husband cut his finger quite deep but could drive to the clinic himself. Phew... (Did I speak too soon? Hope not!)

Birthday Present: MRI

A part of me still thinks they put the appointment on my birthday maybe on purpose. I mean, they had the date in front of them and all! And we harassed them pretty bad. Anyway, I take it as a birthday present from the public hospital/health system. Thank you.

So I woke up on birthday morning to rush to the hospital for my appointment. It was more intense than I thought. Firstly it was longer- like over half an hour! Which I'm sure is normal, but didn't think there was that much to look at. And it was loud!

I actually had to recite Bible verses and worship songs in my head to keep from freaking out and to focus on something better- and I realised I didn't actually remember all that much, mainly random things I memorised at school. I think I really only had two or three 'verses' or paragraphs that I repeated over and over. It surprised me! Pretending you are in 'Avatar' only lasts like two seconds.

It is a weird feeling. I knew I was safe, but being in an enclosed space, told not to move, with my eyes shut and loud machine noises in your ears... really was kinda scary. They gave me headphones but they didn't really help with the noise.

Was nice that the husband came to wait outside for me. Well... it is over now. I survived ha. Now we wait for what the docs will say. Sigh.

A Piece of Cake- not

Birthdays- not quite as easy as they were!

It is Birthday Week. I'm trying to celebrate it in small and different ways the best I can.

Some of you will laugh (or maybe be kinda annoyed I'm saying this) because I'm really only turning 28, so there's little to worry about- I'm still young blah blah blah. And I've never been one to really care about my age- in fact there have been times that I've even forgotten whether I was 25 or 26 or 27... It has never really mattered much to me. But this year it is actually bugging me a tad. Just a tad.

I can hear the tick-tock. I have become Captain Hook. Obsessed about the clock in the croc.

It is not about the number. I know it is not actually about the number, even though that's what's visually hanging out in my head and the math I keep doing back and forth.

It is the same-old-same-old. It is about the not knowing. It is about the looming, "God, what are you doing?" questions. I may be 'young' but no one actually knows what the future brings, it doesn't guarantee fertility and kids. If I've got issues now, I've got issues now, it doesn't just go away after a certain time of gaining a qualifications in classes like Infertility 101, Quick Responses to Awkward Questions 210 and Pelvic Examination Techniques 350.

(Though wouldn't that be fab?)

Anyway. I guess it is just ANOTHER thing that I was naive about previous to this infertility journey- and we know that list is looong.

So I'm trying my best to make the most of my Celebration Week and think of different things to do that are fun, instead of being afraid of it. (It is true- the word is actually 'afraid'.)

Funnily enough, they mostly revolve around food. (And great people of course!) Here is my list:

1. On Tuesday, I baked hefty chocolate chip cookies with extra hunks of dark chocolate in them. For me for me! (Usually I make them more for the husband.) It was good.

2. Thursday, tonight, I'm meeting a friend for bubble tea, which I love.

3. On Friday I'm having one of my favourites,Vietnamese for dinner and a little dessert night with closer friends. (One of my best friends shares the same birthday! Yay!)

4. On Saturday, the husband and I are gonna have breakfast together.

5. Last year I made a birthday t-shirt by buying a top and adding a small '27' on it in diamantes (I think this was the quiet start to when I knew I needed to start overcoming my age-issues haha)... so maybe this year I should do another similar thing with '28'. This could be my own little tradition/joke/thing. I love shopping so that would be a good excuse to shop. haha!

6. Maybe I will treat myself to a new CD too. hmmm.

7. Have actually also pre-celebrated with the husband over the Easter weekend. Was spoiled. I'm super thankful for that.

That's my list for now. Any more suggestions?

tick tock. haha.