If I'm Being Honest

If I'm being honest with you, I think a lot about whether we can have a second child.

Then I also sort of freak out about whether I could handle that and whether I would be a terrible mom with two. Cos' one already takes a lot of work for me.

And then my thoughts flip back to whether I have that option. I may not have that choice of having a second, not at this point at least. I don't know. I don't have my cycle back yet.

So. What I'm really worried about is whether I will get my cycle back and whether I can get pregnant again or do we seek treatment? And when?

And also another thing that I'm really thinking about is whether to re-start the adoption process again... or do we wait. Or do we concentrate on getting pregnant? For me adoption leads to so many more questions. The process, the wait, the no guarantees, etc. A bottomless pit of maybe/if/hope/who knows.

And then I make myself think weigh up all the reasons why we want to adopt blahblahblah and it just does my head in.

And what I'm really thinking is whether Toby will have a sibling because that'd be really fab. But I know it'd be a whole new level of awesome/miracle/howdowegetthere.

And then suddenly I'm like, maybe this will happen! Maybe it will just happen like with Toby! But I don't want to take that for granted either. Though I probably already have at times.

And then I flick back to me being in my current reality- I'm trying my best to enjoy our life right now cos' it is pretty awesome too... so I think of all the things I'm enjoying and looking forward to. And because with a one-year-old you still can't think ahead too far... a week ahead is plenty for me to deal with.

And then I think about marriage, cos' then I wonder how much more hard marriage would be if we had another and whether it is all about dealing with that. I mean it is not like we are doing badly but having a baby has definitely impacted it.

And then finally after my web of thoughts explode, I tell God, "You gotta do this. I have no idea. No control. Any of these paths are pretty much only available if You have them work... Please please help me leave them with you."

And then I do it all again the next day or so.

(I know I'm not supposed to start sentences with 'and', let alone so many of them. Grammar police please ignore.)

Oh ya

Saw 
this post 
the other day. On adoption and waiting. Talk more later.

Ten Things at 10am

1. Happy New Year to those who are of Chinese, Korean, Vietnamese or Japanese background (sorry if I missed a few others, don't know the whole list)! Hope you are having a lovely time celebrating and eating a lot with family.

2. We don't do that much for Chinese New Year here in NZ, as most of our relatives are in Singapore, but we do try. My mom has a big dinner on the 'eve' and we get together with friends who are also here with few relatives.

3. Last year, the husband and I sorta 'skipped' Chinese New Year because something came up (hospital! ugh. was not fun but we are ok.) so this year I've tried to decorate a little and put a bit more effort into it. Wanna see?

**preggie talk ahead**

4. We've made it to 18 weeks people! AAHH! (That's like 4.5 months which is like halfway! Though they count to 40 weeks for the due date...)

5. Next week we will have our anatomy ultrasound. We get to see the baby! It is like Christmas. I think I have been looking forward to it for like two months. This will be one weekend where I don't mind if it goes too fast. Honest.

6. It is more obvious now that I'm pregnant, which is pretty freaky. It looks huge to me! Definitely still seems unreal sometimes when I look in the mirror.

7. I have felt some movements in there. It is very exciting! Another thing I never dared to dream about. Thankful!

8. The husband definitely thinks I have 'baby brain' which I've always been stubborn to believe is real but I think for me, this seems to be true. The other day I said something like," 14 + 2 = 18". And I'm supposed to be good at math. SAD.

**preggie talk over**


9. I loved this post the other day from (in)courage... I was actually drawn to its title, "Waiting in my Wings" because I thought of the verse from Psalm 91:4,

He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;

And then when I read it I found out that it was about waiting specifically to be a mother!

10. Weather- it is super muggy over here- 92% humidity right now- and we are all sweating the days away.

Over in Aussie they have just been hit with a MAJOR cyclone, with damage all over. Can't even begin to imagine! And I my bro in the States says, where he is, it has gone pretty nuts with the snow, power cuts, etc. Hope you all are keeping safe and sound wherever you are!

Blog Friends

Hello there!

Just like having a new friendly neighbour, it has been fun to make some friends via blogging.

I thought to share something from someone else's blog. (There are so many great blogs out there!)

Grace at Chois-R-Us is in the midst of adoption, waiting for the child they have been placed with to come home to her. Awesome news but I can't imagine how agonizing the wait must be!

She also blogs about other stuff while she's in this time of waiting. Here's one of her posts that made me laugh! So HILARE. Love it. (Probably cos' I get emotionally attached to shopping/stores too... sigh... and I also like writing letters hehe...)

Round 8- Still Going Strong... ish

It is so hard not to whine about it. I'm two and a half weeks into the injections and they are starting to grow weary. (You know it is when the needles start to hurt when they didn't really bother me that much at first...) It feels like I've had a million blood tests and I've made too many treks across the city to collect my drugs every few days. Not to mention two scans already plus one more looming over the weekend.

C'mon stubbovaries! Pop those follicles!

The nice thing is that one of the doctors doing the scan the other day (and yes, it was a 'he' and yes I've become shameless) acknowledged how patient you gotta be when you do ovulation induction. It was just a simple statement but the fact that he acknowledged that there's a lot of waiting and teenytiny progress-watching was just good to hear.

Then he sent me home and told me to wait more.

Sigh.

Waiting is another intriguing theme of the infertility drama. You wait in general, big-picture, for God's plan to unfold, you wait for answers to mind-twisting and confused questions you have for Him, somedays... you just want to wait for heaven because the loss and pain are hard to bear.

Then you also wait for the more technical things like, for the days to pass until you can try a new cycle again, then you wait for all the drugs to kick in, and you wait for the dreadfully difficult phone call after the two-week-wait. Amongst other things.

Years,
months,
weeks,
days,
hours,
minutes,
seconds.

I've never been better at counting. But what number am I counting to?

I know I'm not the only one waiting. Some are waiting to meet the right man, some are waiting for a good job, others are waiting for healing... in the meantime, how do we still live the best we can?

8th Time

Hello! Having slight issues with my blogging career, can't seem to keep up with my intention to post regularly haha.

Anyway. We are trying again. How I got through the last seven months, I'm not sure. But here we are!

I did a count and this is our eighth time trying with assistance. If I do some quick math, and I like math, so please don't mind me, that's like an average of maybe 8 x 4 = 32 blood tests, and possibly like 8 x 2 = 16 ewwy scans. I mean at least that! Cos' often there's extra tests and things. Of course, it depends on your clinic and the amount of monitoring you get... random tangent I know, but that was just some interesting calculating for me. (And no, I never get used to the prick of the blood tests or the prod of the scans, but what to do!)

Needless to say, I'm scared. Terrified. I am finding this round a different kind of hard, probably because our loss in November was so shattering. I have hope but it is a disturbed kind of hope.

I'm trying to keep myself distracted and being busy does help. However, the two-week-wait will eventually come and I'm dreading that as that is the worst. (I'm thinking to maybe do something a bit different to get through it, like the Twelve Days of Christmas- so fourteen daily events? Or fourteen gifts for myself? Ideas?)

Overall I'm doing surprisingly well. (Thank you for praying for us if you have been.) Thank God for the husband who is doing the injecting for me. The last round was ten months ago and it took us a while to remember how it all works... I can't bring myself to do it- I know some of you do, big ups to you!

This morning, as I came home from my blood test (had to wake up early grrrr), I spotted this spider web outside our house...

Cool huh?

Things like this of God's creation help me to remember His greatness... which I forget very often.

Ring Ring!

I'm allergic to phone calls. I know I need them but I don't like them! I'm not sure why, but I just prefer other ways of communication. (You can still ring me though!)

So it makes it so much worse that I've had to deal with the phone A LOT these past years because that's how the nurses pass me information etc.

How can so much of your future hang on one phone call? (I really want to say 'stupid phone call' but I'm holding back. ha.) Blood test results, scan results, prescriptions, pregnancy test results, etc. 'Crazy' does not even begin to describe how I feel on the inside when I'm waiting for a call.

The waiting and picking-up part is one thing, then you have to figure out what sensible thing you need to say or ask once they've delivered the news, which is usually not cool. Somehow all the questions you wrote down while you were preparing yourself for the call fly out the window because all your hope has suddenly dissipated too- in half a second. Or you ask them but they don't have the answers... so you have to wait for a second phone call...

Anyway. That doesn't always happen, but it does too often. Grrrrr.

My  result (yes, by phone) for this week is that I have not ovulated, and probably still will not on my own. Which pretty much means the drilling hasn't done anything. Sucks. Frustrated.

So now I'm just waiting to hear about what the next-best-thing is.

The husband was really sweet and got me a food magazine ('delicious'- aussie but I like it haha.) and a random little SPCA dog figurine (think it is for kids but love it still) to make me feel better, as he knew I was pretty bummed.

On another note, I did my second 10k run for the year and did it under an hour! Very stoked and thankful for my friend, k, who did it with me!

Speaking of friends, I'm so super fortunate!

I had a lovely coffee with a special friend during her lunch break, and I'm thankful for her as we are sharing some of this difficult journey together.

And I'm also always thankful for my wonderful 'protector' friend who warns me everytime there's a pregnancy announcement lurking around... phew. Where would I be without these girls?

I'm praying you have sensitive people around you too. (And handle phone calls better than me.)

Waiting for the Sun to Rise

Today I had my fourth blood test, which should tell me whether I'm ovulating on my own or not. I know that even though I'm not super hopeful (since it didn't work last time we drilled the ovaries), I will still be super disappointed to find out I'm not. I'm also not looking forward to having to make a decision with the husband about possibly starting a new cycle of treatment.

As much as a new cycle of treatment brings new hope, I only have three more rounds funded of this FSH-injection-treatment. I am thankful I have three, but I also feel like I'm slowly using up all the chances I have at getting pregnant, and I'm scared to have to strike another one out. The fear is so overpowering!

Yet I know we will try and we will come out of it somehow, like how we've survived the last couple years.

Since it has been winter, I've thought about how hope is like the warm spot in the house or on the couch where the sun shines in from the window. The snuggly sun-kissed spot where we want to sit and catch the soft rays instead of being in the chilly corner. (Cats seem to know about it particularly well.)

For me, the warm spot hits the dining area of the house in the morning where I like to sit and read the newspaper with a cup of coffee if I have a late start. (I love it!)

I long to bask in hope but sometimes it seems like it moves away quickly, especially in winter, on the cold and short days.

When hopes are dashed, and when I get bad news, I get that sudden stale, sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. For me I think that is what disappointment feels like physically. You know what I mean?

Yet, the sun will be there the next morning- unfailing, and the night will be over.

So I have to remember that and hang on to that truth:

The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
His mercies never cease.

Great is his faithfulness;
his mercies begin afresh each morning.
 
Lamentations 3:22-23 (New Living Translation)

Mixed May

I might try and sneak a couple of posts into before the end of the month- which means today! haha. I think of so many things to say and write here, but takes me time to spit it out. Very typical really, I'm like this even in conversation.

We're like in the middle of the year almost! Scary.

May has been a mixed month for us. Lots of wonderful things and also hard things.

Great things:

• 8th 'Dating' Anniversary for the husband and I- I got flowers on that day! woopwoop.
• Birthday celebrations (like six?) of special friends and family (I love buying presents!)- fun times
• Birth of a good friend's baby- a super cute little girl
• Meaningful chats with a lovely friend
• Had my surgery done and seems like all went well
• Pregnancy announcements from a few friends
• Mother's Day
• Going into winter- getting out my boots!
• Survived six months of waiting (in terms of 'not trying')

Hard things:

• Surgery bill- mostly covered by insurance, thankfully, but still a bit to cover on our end. hmmm...
• Pregnancy announcements from a few friends
• Mother's Day
• Going into winter... cold!
• Due date of our baby we lost in November

It has been interesting for me to think through some of these things that exist in both the wonderful and difficult categories. Life is curious like that. Thank you for walking it with me.

(Off to work!)

stop.start.stop.start

It feels like life is constantly being 'disrupted' by something else. Like a tracking dog, you think you're on a great scent trail, then you're interrupted by some other whiff, and you're being sent off on another one.

I'm not great with surprises so this has definitely been an area of growth- though I don't know if I'm getting any better at this.

When you set aside 5-6 weeks mentally/emotionally (and maybe socially) to do a fertility cycle of treatment, the illustration of being on the rollercoaster is never clearer. The drugs work. The drugs don't work. Maybe now? Yes. Blood test. No. Maybe now? No. Blood test. Maybe. Increase dosage? Yes. Wait. Working? Maybe. Blood test says yes. Any follicles? Yes. Big enough? No. Blood test. Not yet. Scan. Maybe... now? What about... now? Scan. Did ovulate? Blood test. Yes. Pregnant? Maybe we're good. Should be but wait. Wait. One week. I feel this way. No I feel that way. Maybe now? Two weeks. Blood test.  Oh no. Hmmm. Gutted.

Start Again.

Lord! Remind me who you are.

Like some kind of crazy marathon version of Snakes 'N' Ladders!

The other day I had another confusing taste of this bizarre world of unexpected things. I was scheduled for a minor surgery. We had both cleared our schedules and friends at work were so kindly covering for us. We had alerted close friends and family just to let them know.

I got my pre-op prepping. Got into the gown. Did not have anything to eat or drink for over 12 hours (quite a feat). Cleared the system. Had the scary disposable undies on hand to change into at the last minute, plus gorgeous blue hairnet.

But then they were running late... and the surgeon came in (I thought this was my briefing with her but... ) to tell me apologetically that she had to postpone my surgery! There were other uncontrollable and major reasons for it that made a lot of sense. I get it. But... hold on. What??

There's nothing I can do. I got back into my own clothes and we walked out of the hospital!

(In the meantime the husband got a parking ticket for staying in his space too long- he waited with me and had forgotten about the time limit! Oh no.)

It was a confusing day. All the prayers that my wonderful friends and family have said for me are possibly on pause or maybe God has recorded them on His MySky to be replayed in a few days time.

(I know it is not my fault but I feel kind of embarassed! Thankfully we have been able to reschedule it and it will happen in the next few days.)

I realise over and over how 'control' is so important to me- subconsciously. I want to have a say in what happens- though I'm not always aware of it. They say it is your decision how you want to live your life and how you want to deal with things. I understand and I agree- I'm working on it, I promise. However, sometimes, however much you decide to be adaptable or flexible or respond well, the rug still gets pulled under you. And it hurts. I'm not sure if I am getting any used to it or am any better at falling!

Choose Your Own Adventure?

(Only if I could peek over the stupid hedge!!!)

The husband hasn't been 100% health-wise these last few months (yes... somehow the weeks have turned into months). It has been an interesting ride on another rollercoaster, just when we thought we were already on a rollercoaster with interfility- ha. Thankfully I think we are on the home stretch. I think we are getting somewhere in terms of him feeling better, but we've got to be patient- as we know, the human body doesn't always do what we want when we think it should. Grrrrr. (More waiting, anyone?)

Anyway. I've really missed being with the husband. We do a lot of everyday things together, and when that changes, it really messes with your world. My evenings have been a little different with him going to bed way WAY earlier- so I'm watching TV on my own (so weird), or doing the dishes alone or on the computer. The house is really quiet. Just lonely really, yet I don't really want to be doing anything else because I want to be close by to him. Our social life has also dwindled to pretty much not being able to make any commitments that involve evenings- which really limits our options because generally, people work in the day! I've gone to things alone, when he would usually come with me. Also, things we were thinking of doing or been planning to do have been left undone or half-done.

As a tick-boxer-type personality (actually both of us are in different ways), this has been a new nightmare.

Basically, life is different. Again.

What? It is not like we were really living life in the fast lane. Yet here we are, cutting our capacity down again another few notches. My brain has gone through some rewiring I think- you think I'd be used to this by now, but I'm not.

Whatever it is, we've gained a new insight into those who have way more long-term health issues. I think (and hope) our capacity to empathise has grown. We're learning even what it means to spend time with each other, now that we have even less of it- so even our appreciation for marriage has grown. (I think I've had a small taste of what it would be like to be a widow! It is a scary thing but something I can't take for granted.)

It has also been hard not knowing how to function as the spouse of someone who's not feeling well for an extended amount of time- it is confusing and wearying.  Communication as a married couple when you are both healthy is already hard enough! Definitely doesn't get any better when one of you is down... But we learn new things don't we? Oh God, I hope I am learning.

I'm thankful we are getting some positive news these days and the husband is slowly feeling better. I feel like everyday we are literally clinging to God because we have no idea what each day will bring at the moment. And why should that be a bad thing?

Like the husband says, life is an adventure. And I'm glad for every little bit of it I get to do with him.

TIME part 2- distractions

(Eating is always a good distraction... haha... thought not always the best for us though huh.)

Maybe I'm just rambling today... but oh well...

This past weekend, I did a 10km run with a friend. I'm thankful I was able to do it and that we completed it close to our goal. Yay! I enjoy the CHALLENGE of running, and if I am able to 'train' for an event, I try to schedule one in. It also is a good 'distraction' or at least takes my mind off things temporarily. Plus it feels like I am accomplishing some goals in life (for example, to be physically decently healthy, to finish an event, etc.) even though I'm not getting anywhere in other areas in life, like hoping to be a mother.

As you may have already experienced though with fertility, the same things that help and ease things, are sometimes the same things that make you remember and rub your 'issues' in your face. Like... Personally when I am on fertility treatments (and when I have been pregnant), I don't run and do a lot lower-impact stuff, or sometimes I have to do nothing and lie on the couch, just cos' I'm advised to do so by doctors- even if physical activity is not proven to be a danger in pregnancy if you are already an active person.

This means the very goals/activities I sometimes set up to 'distract' myself or that give me some 'space' have to be left unmet- for example cancelling events or scraping 'training' schedules or agreements with friends to do an event with them. Instead I watch as others take part in things I can't. I understand this is for a good cause overall, but sometimes it is hard when the result of the cycle is negative or something else goes wrong. I can feel like I put something off for no reason to really 'show' for.

It is also hard to not be resentful of others who don't have to think twice about any of these things.

I really struggle to not be jealous of those who can do whatever they want and not have to be told to stop. (As you maybe can tell I struggle to not be envious about a lot of things!!! I guess fertile or not, we can't escape this. argh.)

Anyway, I wanted to talk about distractions and how they are awesome and sometimes not-so-awesome but in the end, I reckon you gotta have some! You do it for the variety and the positive-ness it brings, which God wants cos' He wants us to lead an abundant life- a life to the full- which I'm learning includes handling the crap life brings too.

What are some things you do in this bizarre life-stage of sort-of-waiting but trying-not-to-wait-too-hard?

TIME part 1- Waiting

With infertility, one of the things that changes is your perspective on time. For one, your perspective of time in terms of waiting. It is not simply waiting, it is also waiting for what possibly may never come or what may be continually disappointing (kinda like the buses in Auckland haha). Obviously it is not the healthiest thing to be simply obsessed with waiting for a child, but this is also the reality of desiring one and hoping to have kids, and depending on where you're at in your stage of infertility, our perspectives are going to differ.
(There's a poem about waiting- here.)

Anyway, what I was thinking about writing today was the whole idea of distractions and what to do with ourselves NOW so we are not simply focused on 'waiting' in itself.

Hold on. I want to emphasise that it is not my intention to say that we should be all about waiting to get pregnant and pop a baby out. I understand that at the moment I do have a 'goal' to be a mother, but I'm learning it is not for me to 'achieve' or decide. I do believe we can grow to have a bigger-picture perspective than that- and that God intends for more to life than that. All I'm saying is for those of us who are maybe still in the midst of treatment, in between cycles, waiting to see doctors or waiting to make concrete decisions on all these varied issues, I've been trying to figure out how to still live a meaningful and exciting life (haha), despite the 'waiting'.

I say this because practically, the way we look at our months and years are different for now. You know when you're on the infertility/fertility journey when you don't think of weeks and months in terms of normal calendar-type increments, instead you think like this:
- 10 days- roughly at least 10 days between ovulation and when you could be fertile
- 2 weeks- roughly 2 weeks from when you ovulate to when you can find out about pregnancy results
- 4-6-8 weeks- depending on what you're doing, could be 4-6 or 8 weeks for a cycle
- 3 months- if we do get pregnant, this is how long I need to 'set aside' and keep it on the down-low both for medical reasons and before we want to share about it publicly... etc.

and I could list a ton more of these which are more infertility-related like:
- how long till the fertility clinic office hours start?
- how long till the next chat with the nurse?
- how long till the next injection?
- how long it takes provera to work?
- how long it takes climophene to work?
- how long it takes till the next blood test?
- how long till the next appointment with the doctor?
- how long till the next dreaded scan?
- how long will we can start a new cycle?
- how long should we 'break' or rest from treatment?

I'm sure you could come up with some of your own too. Which then impacts the way we plan or schedule our lives- basically you kinda can't. So it becomes this sorta bizarre thing of waiting, but trying not to, but ending up having to anyway. Frustrating, anyone? sigh...

You Just Gotta Laugh

So I've been all hot and bothered about my MRI appointment (or non-appointment, as it was for the last ten weeks). For me it is an urgent matter because I want to get it out of the way so we can move on. I want to know if anything's (more) wrong with me or not. Then I want to know if we need to do anything about what we find out.  I want I want I want... I want it now!

Anyway... we have continued to hassle them and found out. Guess what?

Of all days...

My MRI is on my birthday.

HA.

Honestly. I'm thankful that I got the appointment. But still... is this good or bad? I don't know. I feel mixed about that! Me and my little uptight self.

But as I'm learning from specific friends, and from this mad infertility journey in general...  you just gotta learn to laugh!

Yay

Finally! I have heard from the public hospital. I am on the MRI list. We don't know how long though but I hope to find that out soon. They disowned any responsibility for messing us around the last few weeks, so that makes me mad. I want to write a letter! But I'm not sure what good that'll do.

Anyway. Thankful that we got that sorted after much teeth-pulling. Now we begin a fresh wait.

A Car With Four Doors- A Poem

I'm trying not to spend my time just waiting

but you follow me around

from the bathtub in the bathroom and the tray across it that would hold your bath things

to the drawers in the bedroom where I quickly push past stretchy clothes that were set aside for when I were to carry you

from the kitchen where my jar of folic acid seems to be mocking me, while I take it for yet another day

to the bookshelf that holds pregnancy books (though the only chapters I'm familiar with are the first and the last)

from the calendar with empty pages because we never know how far to plan

to the Christmas tree that holds ornaments meant for you

from the weighing scales that fluctuate with my body's reaction to treatments (and grief)

to the short walk around the neighbourhood that I had initially mapped out in waiting for you

from the pages in my journal that are conversations I have with God about you

to the cupboard with extra boxes of tissues we have for tears I never knew could flow so unceasingly

from the photos of our wedding day when we first became family

to the blank wall next to it anticipating framed pictures of you

from this house with three bedrooms, where we've been planning to have one be yours

to the car with four-doors, waiting to cart you around, that we thought would be better than two.

I try to not spend my time just waiting

but you follow me around

quietly

leaving a trail of broken pieces of my heart.

I think you'd like it here

but it is not for me to say

and I hope we meet one day soon.

In the meantime

I can't help it

I will keep anticipating you.

(This piece of writing was started in December 2009, the title was inspired by a conversation I had with a certain friend- I hope you don't mind me using it! It is based on my experience but also written to all who are waiting for or missing their children; for those experiencing infertility or have been through loss in general. Especially dedicated to one valued friend for whom today is sadly memorable.)