Thoughts and an Update

There is a beautiful song playing a lot on the radio station I listen to in the car. It is 'Oceans' by Hillsong United and the bit that really gets me (and probably most, since it is the chorus) goes:

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior

I love it but it really is a scary song in some ways... because do you really want to be taken deeper and to have to trust without borders? Of course, as Christians we say we do but the reality of the experience is hard. So hard.

There is a blog post doing the rounds that challenges the popular line, "God won't give you more than you can handle" which one might say to another as they are experiencing hard stuff (amongst other things the author and his wife have gone through an ectopic pregnancy). I have wondered about how biblical that concept is, and on the whole causes me to think about how we respond to others who are facing a difficult time.

Since I'm sharing about other blogs... A friend shared this blog post to do with loss/grieving and miscarriage- and a new book that's out about the topic. It talks about going to church after miscarriage and what it was like being in the service. Something about the power of music causing our emotions to be moved. Nice to know that I'm not the only one who sometimes sobs through the whole worship-time - definitely awkward, and worse if you didn't bring tissues.

On a related note... One way to wade our way through rocky times in life is to share them with others, as a way to help them feel less alone. My mother-in-law shared a devotional with me about the power of sharing your (imperfect) life with others (the author has also been through miscarriage as well as seeing another child saved).

It was encouraging as sometimes I feel a bit lost or unsure in knowing how to support others on their journey, especially since setting up a prayer network with other couples at our church to do with infertility and baby loss/miscarriage. Different people process differently and I don't always know what the best way is to connect with them. However I do love this verse

He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. 

When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.

2 Corinthians 1:4

and often cling to it, praying that I am able to comfort others, where possible, even if I'm not always sure how!

Okay so aside from what other people are writing, what's going on?!

It has been a while since I last wrote. (I'm really sucking at this blogging thing, aren't I!) Because my pregnancy in April was a partial molar pregnancy, I've had to be in a process of waiting and being blood-tested. This will last until January.

January. That is longer than I would have been pregnant! From an infertility point of view, it is agony. Thankfully I got over that eventually and it has been mentally relaxing not having to think about 'trying'. I'm also in the clear which is fantastic. 

We've made it to November which is when the baby would've been due.To be honest I kind of forgot about it with life being full, but this past week there have been some reminders of my baby, with a friend having delivered her second child, and another friend getting pregnant, also with her second. Both have been good things I expected but have made my heart a little heavy. 

I got to go for a walk alone (score!) in the park on Monday, and it was so nice to breathe deeply. I sat amongst shady trees on a warm (summer is here!) morning and soaked it God's wonderful creation. I let myself imagine what my baby might have looked like if I got to meet her this month, and what sweet newborn features she might have.

  (my instagram shot of that morning)

I'm not actually great at that sort of thing, imagining details, so I didn't get very far, but it was just nice to do that, to acknowledge that my baby was real,  and to let God comfort me through the simplicity of sitting in His grass and trees. 

This time we've had to wait has given me precious time to enjoy Toby. He's almost two and a half years old and I've loved being able to give him a lot of my attention and energy. It has been amazing to watch him soak up knowledge, have conversations, give accounts of experiences and just have fun. (I also love this post, by the way, about having small children if you feel like yet another link ha... and they had them after years of infertility.)

We have also continued our trek into the adoption process. After the last miscarriage, we went through a process of being unsure but we have still felt very strongly the desire to adopt, so also in this waiting time, we have managed to gain approval to be adoptive parents (massive yay!). It feels like God has been guiding us in this area and we feel blessed to have gotten this far.

The thought of having a second whether biologically or through adoption is, in truth, terrifying especially as time goes on, and we become so used to being a family of three. I especially feel for Toby as he has asked about whether I have babies in my tummy and gets a real buzz out of me saying that he is my baby. What a shock he's going to have if one day we do get to have another!

In the meantime we still hope to and are doing okay waiting. It is definitely different now that we have Toby and we are very thankful for what we have. Christmas is round the corner so the next couple months will pass by quickly. I try not to think about 'age-gaps' and all of that, and I know God will continue to provide the best thing for us.

How is everyone?

 (happy movember!)

She was a Her

It has been about two months since that last post.

I celebrated my 31st birthday 6 days after my D&C. It was a little odd celebrating after being in a bit of a sadness haze, but it was still great and I was spoilt with lots of love.

We have since found out that my pregnancy was a partial-molar pregnancy. It gives some clarity as to why my HCG levels were high and also a reason why the pregnancy did not sustain. That was what we wanted- a reason. But we didn't want more...

The more difficult part to deal with are that we are not to get pregnant for 6-12 months, as it could complicate things. It is for good reason of course, but for us it was a bit of a stomp in the face when we heard it from the nurse, as we just were not expecting to have extra to deal with after the miscarriage.

I think for most who have gone through infertility... being told you could not try for a baby for possibly up to a year is a bit of a nightmare!

Thankfully I've been well taken care of by the hospital and the follow-up blood tests have been indicative of my HCG/tumour levels going down. We are praying this continues!

Weirdly enough, it really helps that we have something to do each week to deal with the 'wait' and I get a phone call following each blood test. My weekly blood tests have become part of my weekly schedule.

Toby and I have a little routine after a Mainly Music session, where he knows where we are going, he gets something to eat and sits in the corner on the floor (no extra chairs usually in the actual room where they poke you). He knows I get and 'owie' and then a 'band-aid'. He sort of lightens the mood and that always is a good thing too.

Honestly, I've been a terrified of pregnancy announcements of those who are due around the same time I would've been. They haven't been fun and I cringe everytime I think I spot one or a photo of one on Facebook... but everyone's allowed to do what they do and I think God is sustaining me and keeping my skin thick generally.

The one big thing we got to find out was that our tiny baby was a girl. This was so lovely to know and I was so delighted, and yet it was one of the hardest things to absorb too. I praise God for her, yet I am simply gutted also.

We have since named her and also named the previous the babies we have not gotten to meet. This was not the easiest thing to do, as we didn't know that much about the other pregnancies. But we wanted to acknowledge them as lives, and a thought that stayed with me was also that if we don't ever get to have another live child, it would be special for Toby to have some sense of our family experience and history. I believe they were still gifts from God even if I didn't get to meet them. I know this is a tricky one but I choose to think of them that way.

We also planted a tree with some remains we got from the hospital. This is the first time we've been able to do it and it has been really special. I think it has given us some sense of closure, being able to do something to commemorate and remember her by.

It is hard not to count the weeks/months until we can try again, so feels a bit like 'infertility mode' again with all that math. But we're doing well. Toby just turned two (TWO?!!) this past week so that has been a big deal around here.

Time for a cup of tea.

Deep Breath

Toby and I went to the park yesterday. It was nice to do that as it was a rare clear day in a week of lots of rain.

Toby loves being let loose to wander and so I let him but it means I have to wait and watch a lot as he checks things out. We call it 'going for a walk' but it really is more of a two steps forward and three steps to the side, off the path kinda thing.

Often we hang with some friends first at the playground before we set off on our way to feed the ducks at the pond. Then the zigzaggy wandering begins.

Yesterday we ran around in the field. We do this every now and then where we fake-chase a ball and Toby just runs towards it and lies down in the grass every two seconds. There is a lot of tickled laughter and it is the kind of time that fills your heart with joy.

I lay down in the grass too and took a few deep breaths to soak in the moment. It was so fun to turn and see my little man next to me staring back amongst the green blades. It has been a while since I've felt energetic enough to do this!

I kinda wished I had my camera but I was also happy I didn't as it was the kind of time you knew you'd miss if I had been busy trying to catch a perfect shot. Which I would've been doing.

Being under the expanse of His sky and rolling, jumping and laughing on His earth, with his precious provision to me, my son Toby. I needed these deep breaths of air to remind me. We are okay. God is huge.

I struggle to converse with God at these stages of grief. It is like I can't look Him in the eye. Just for now. But I will get there.

We were going to have a baby in November. In the three short weeks we knew, we were already planning how it was all going to be. So much of it was unsaid but we also spoke freely of room arrangements and fun ways to announce the baby. We were so excited!

I don't think we took it for granted, we were just confident this time. My blood test results were good and I was feeling awful. The signs were spot on so we were sure it would continue. So sure.

The bad news that the baby had no heartbeat came at a dating scan. I was there to find out the date he or she would arrive. The husband couldn't attend and we didn't even feel too much of a need to reschedule.

Thankfully our awesome friend Ch came along. The possibility of having no heartbeat had occurred to me in a tiny corner of my head but I was trying to be positive. I think I just was hoping I could be a 'normal person' with this pregnancy for once. Unfair.

We'd jumped through this one miracle hoop of conception and so surely this second miracle hoop would be cleared? Not so.

I run out of words to describe how it feels to get the news. Frozen. Fuzzy. Heartbroken. Those give it a bit of a picture but I think most of us have an idea of that 'time stands still' feeling when you receive awful news.

It is two days today after the D and C. I feel like I don't know what to do next. I'm trying my best to plan small but fun things to look forward to but there are already so many reminders of what I won't be looking forward to and not holding in November, that am a little lost. Pregnant strangers are everywhere.

On another level we have moved on with normal daily life as Toby needs us and a toddler's routine can sort of rule. I love it and I love our time with him. It definitely has been different with having one child, than when you have none and are going through a miscarriage. There is a sense of moving on that is quick.

Yet the echoey quiet of the hollow in your belly is still there and very real.

Regardless, my baby was a miracle baby. A perfect peanut shape on the scan at eight weeks. So large (to me) and so clearly present in our lives. It stormed in unexpectedly and so we desired it to be. Like his/her siblings, I wish he or she could've stayed.

The husband and I are a little confused. Despite having travelled this road before the sadness is still fresh and the sensitive heart is difficult to navigate. My uncomfortable and awful morning sickness is now fading and yet I want to rewind and have it all back. I want my child. I am missing him.

Today we bought a teddy bear to remember this precious baby by. Now we have five beautiful bears in our room and one special boy we do get to see grow, cuddle and be with.

Crying out for comfort tonight, Lord.

Being Brave

This is what I posted on Facebook the other day. 

I'm not usually that vulnerable on Facebook and I was nervous doing it! But two special friends have gone through losses recently and that night I found out a third friend just had too, so it was just really heavy on my heart, as I sensed they were surprised by the sadness, etc. 

Anyway. Here it is:

On Tuesday I decided to buy flowers. What is it about flowers... A beautiful reminder of God's creation maybe.

3 years ago this week we said goodbye to a baby we got to carry for 12 weeks of pregnancy. My precious friend took me to the hospital and later that day I followed J out to the car park with no baby- as if we were just visitors. I remember the lonely corridors. How empty. Hollow. 

Mayb

e this was all right. I looked normal; I could walk. But my heart broke into a million pieces when I got home and emptied the hospital's brown paper bag of my dirty clothes, and I realised I had nothing. Nothing left of my baby. Invisible.

Gutted.

Yes I have J. And today I have Toby and God has continued to bless us with good things that we celebrate. It is not about not being thankful.

That little life was treasured. We never stop wondering what Baby N would've looked like or felt like. The baby was real.

This is a bit of a step out for me. But my thoughts are going out to the other women or couples who have been here too. And are here today. I know it is 'common' but it doesn't make it easier.

You did not get to meet tiny bud, but your loss is real. Grief is ugly.Your heart is indescribably heavy right now. No one wants to talk about it but many try to say nice things. And some want you to move on. But be mournful if you need to and for a time there really is nothing that needs to be said.

I believe that one day there will be answers to our questions and joyous reunions... and I am praying that God comforts you with his great arms of love and you find healing in his saving grace. Please know in those moments of deep sadness, you are not alone.

A Song

I came across this song the other day that someone shared on Facebook.

I thought it was pretty brave to sing about a topic like this- baby loss.

The husband and I listened to it and it was hard! I am posting the accoustic version. The original video is pretty difficult to watch- hits a bit close to home. Beautiful song though. Ed Sheeran's 'Small Bump'.

What to do!

Since getting pregnant (which is like a long long time ago), I think I have been confused about what to do with this blog. I'm sure my posts reflect that too!

My original intention was clear- I wanted this to be a place for me to talk about infertility and miscarriage but also for others to maybe feel less alone by reading about it too.

Of course it has given me a place to write things I would not know how to express in real life too.

Now that I am a mom to Toby, most of my every day experiences are about him or with him. Yet I find myself holding back talking too much about him because I've wanted to keep my original intentions with this blog. Which doesn't really work for a blog does it?

I wonder if I just need to let my blogging reflect that I'm a parent. Like starting a new chapter... though a bit delayed haha (which is so me!)

I guess that's also where the website idea comes into play. I'm still hoping I (and the husband) can be helpful to those going through infertility and miscarriage in some way. I feel like I still have lots I can put into a resource of some sort, especially for Christian women in New Zealand. So maybe that's where I can put all that thought/emotion and experience. Hmmm?

Honest thoughts welcome!

New Year New Thoughts (Kinda)

I'm having trouble catching up on blogs because my desktop computer uses Explorer and Blogger is telling me that they prefer me to use Google Chrome, so my dashboard is not loading! Not cool. Anyone else having this problem?

So I can post from here (using my ipod touch) but reading blogs isn't so great. Sorry I'm so out of touch with you blog friends out there!

I'm having a late start to the year organisationally it seems. Probably just a me-thing too. New calendar not up, dates for diary not transferred, lists of things to do lying around but not compiled into anything useful!

What are some things you hope to see happen or do this year? Big things, small things, etc. Or on another level, What can we also be praying for each other for?

1. Big idea 1 - I have this idea to start a website.

It sort of stems off having this blog, but I want something that's more of a resource for others out there. Something still for those going through waiting, infertility and baby loss but also for their spouses, friends and family. For example I have learnt that many husbands feel a bit lost too... So it could be a place for them to find out how to better understand their wives?

Blogs tend to be more personal, journally and chronological while it'd be cool to have something more topical or question based where it is easier to search for stuff. Hmm. I don't want to replace good resources out there too but I do think we can fit somewhere.

I am so excited about this idea! But I also am a bit unsure where to start! I have thoughts spilling out of me! And er when will I have time? Struggling as it is with blogging!

Praying also to approach it in a way God wants me to.

What do you think?

2. Fitness - I would like to get bit more fit again. Typical I know. But hear me out.

I have been fortunate that my body has managed to resume its pre-preg shape- sort of haha!

But truth is I am not actually fit on the inside as I barely do anything resembling exercise. And for someone like me, it'd be good to have a challenge. So I'm trying to come up with a plan to do something fitness-sy this year.

I don't know how women out there do it! It is so hard working it around Toby's schedule. We'll see...

3. Time with God and prayer life- I really struggle with this. Not that I want to get legalistic about it but I'm so on the opposite end right now.

Specifically, I just have felt very convicted about praying about some specific happenings in my family life in the past few years, yet I haven't acted on them.

I think I also haven't been brave enough because they are hard topics that I don't like thinking about. Yikes. So I want to do something about this.

Ok that's some of the stuff I'm thinking about for 2012. What about you?

(Photos: here is a pic of Toby and I, and some others of him, like with his monkey called Socks, plus one of the summer sky the other night just before 9pm- ah summer! )

Oooh Oooh Oooh

(Ok. Still not going strong with the blogging!

ANYWAY.)

I just got told about another NZ-based book about infertility, A Common Thread. Thanks Jill! Finding books written here is so exciting! While doing this, I stumbled onto another NZ blog, Cherished, by Sally who is a mother now via adoption and fertility. As well as Thursday's Babies, a sort of prayer network/ministry started by some ladies here.

Looking forward to looking into these!

Miscarriage Link

Here's a post about dealing with miscarriage that my friend Steph shared. There are no rules for how to go through it, but is helpful to hear how different people deal with it... some things I connect with in here too... 
The Baby I Never Knew

Retreat Idea

A friend of mine who lives in the US went to one of these recently- a retreat for couples who have lost a child after they were born... so glad she and her husband got to go.

I have been thinking that it would be so good to have something like that here too, including other ones for couples who have gone through miscarriage and also those dealing with infertility. I don't think we have any resources like this in NZ... something to pray for!

Pregnancy after IF/Loss- Ticking Off My Wishlist (sorta)

I've made it to 38.5 weeks. Who knew I'd ever make it to 'heavily pregnant'?

Think I'm on 10kgs in terms of weight increase so 'heavily' is definitely appropriate. No wonder I'm having trouble getting out of the car, out of bed, off the couch, etc. haha...

ANYWAY. I've been asking myself, "Have I gotten to do everything I wanted to do while being pregnant?"... you know, like when you save up things-to-do for a holiday or Disneyland with a list of things like food to eat and books to read, etc?

I'm FAST getting to the end, and I think so. Here are my 'things':


1
- Wear all the clothes you've been accumulating that you thought you'd one day wear as maternity clothes, or actually are. DO IT.
It has been fun. Though you have to laugh when you start to get sick of stretchy tights or at the fact that I don't fit that well into my maternity jeans anymore- believe it or not, they are too tight when I sit! (Jeanswest has pretty good and affordable maternity jeans.)

2
- Linger while in baby stores and sections.
It was hard to do at first, but you get there as pregnancy progresses (thankful) and it is nice sort of being a 'normal' pregnant woman. Though the silly part is you get tired walking around malls and so shopping stamina isn't what it used to be!

3
- Try not to be apologetic. (That's me.)
If you want a super awesome baby room, go for it! Show it off. You've been staring at that spare room for so long, having it filled with a child's things is so surreal.

($20 change table from trademe and lovely baby basket given to us from a lady at church!)

(baby bunting made by my friend ju! note: photo is deceiving cos' rest of the room is actually filled with random stuff on the floor haha.)

If you want to take lots of belly-photos, do it! We did.

(last week. sammy the dog has started to take part too. he looks a little funny- naked- here cos' his collar is off!)

4
- Celebrate.
As I make my way through this list I think most of them you are iffy with at first, especially if you have been through IF and/or baby loss. That's ok. What I mean is celebrate every day you get to carry this baby, and let others celebrate with you too. Whether it is just with simple things along the way, or a big baby shower at the end, whatever suits your style.

(look at the mad amount of gifts we got! thank you so much.)

5
- Remember the things you wanted to do before dealing with IF/loss made you forget, and do them or consider them again...
For me, it is simple things like thinking about what diaper system to use (though I sort of put that off for now cos' it is a little overwhelming). And random objects I want to buy for the baby one day like gumboots... Or to do with birthing, things you thought you'd try- water birth?

6
- Deal with your Facebook issues haha... (this was personal for me, maybe not for everyone)
You guys know that Facebook can be a source of difficulty for many of us going through IF or baby loss and definitely has been the case for me, so for me I wanted to be careful how I used it during pregnancy.

Yet I didn't want to hold back expressing how God has walked us through this, how thankful we are to be pregnant and to acknowledge that we are being prayed for by many people. (And many overseas friends and family simply wanted to know how it has been.) So... I've done it. I have posted stuff.

This has been tricky and thought I've wanted to be sensitive, I'm sure I haven't done all of it perfectly... but if I'm not sure sometimes I only show certain 'statuses' and 'photos' to certain close family and friends instead of everyone on the list. Of course, it is also just lovely to receive well-wishes and to know others are thinking of us.

7
- Embrace all the baby-baby stuff that you once were allergic to. (It is not wrong.)
I didn't think I would but I have gone on to Babycenter most weeks since the start to find out what 'vegetable' my baby is close in size to. I know it is a random thing to go on for, as Babycenter also offers a lot of other great things about pregnancy and parenting haha, but I've enjoyed it and it has provided a few laughs! This week the baby is like a leek.

Which is very nice and slim. Thankyouverymuch.

HOWEVER, check out the vegetable photo for the next 2 weeks: Watermelon and pumpkin! NO WORDS NEEDED to express how we feel about that.

8
- Do something only pregnant people can. Even if you said you'd never do it...
I have to admit I told friends I'd never do a pregnancy photoshoot because the ones I've seen are so cheesy (please don't be offended) but also, the truth is they have been hard to look at cos' I've been so jealous and envious of those who have been able to take part!

So one day when a sweet friend told me a photography place was doing a session for free, where you also get a couple free prints, I was like, NAH. But then I had a look at their stuff and it was really quite pretty. Plus it was valued at around $300 (wowmama)!

And then I thought, well, if the husband agrees (that'll be a long-shot) that'll help us decide. Turns out, he said yes! And I think we were also both thinking, "When are we gonna be able to do this again?" ... so we went for it.

It was pretty hilarious because we are fairly shy in some ways. Yet we decided to do it and enjoy it. And we did. We may never show those photos to anyone but it was a good laugh and an experience to remember!

Overall, I think I'm trying to say that for us, this has been such a dream come true. Knowing that we really don't know what the future brings, and this may be our only experience of being pregnant for the full NINE months, the husband and I have tried to appreciate and enjoy it where possible.

Thank you God that we have been able to relax in these later months of it and have been able to savour it with help from others.

(have to show off this beautiful baby blanket made my the husband's aunt. mailed all the way from canada. oh and lovely cribset sent to me by my sis-in-law, K, from the u.s. thanks girl!)

Come on baby! We'd love to meet you.

10 Things at Ten ish.

I've wanted to 'take stock' of things I'm thankful for, especially things that infertility and miscarriage have 'taught' me. I know it is easy to just list them now, but going through them is a totally different story... but I kinda wanted to remind myself of things that being child-less or child-free has allowed me to do or learn or appreciate more... Here we go.

1. Today I'm going to a wedding (yup get to dress up again!) and I don't have to deal with figuring out kids or babysitting. (Not always sure about what to do with my hair though...)

2. The husband and I have been married for 6.5 years. The plan was to have kids after 2-3 years. Yet, I love how our relationship has grown in this time and I think in ways we never could've planned, due to being without children. I don't take that for granted.

3. We can do whatever. we. want. with our days and evenings- like go for a drive, eat random food cos' I wasn't organised enough, buy random second-hand things on trademe and go pick them up easily, etc.

4. You can laugh but I think getting Sammy the dog (which I orginally/stubbornly did not want to do until after having kids! Then realised I may not know when I'd have kids...) has been a great transition for us to dealing with children.

Dear Sammy has brought the following... Dirty carpet, weird smells, need to be fed, needs fresh water, needs needs needs, loud whining in the morning, high need for attention, needs a sitter if away from home for too long, needs telling off, etc, which is good for someone like me to get used to.

5. Having been through fertility treatment and small surgeries, I'm so much more okay with things that would usually be awkward for me (which hopefully will come in handy for birthing oh gosh).

Talking about intimate/sensitive issues, flashing intimate parts of the body (sometimes more than a flash), being poked and prodded, dealing with also bodily fluids you don't want to talk about, etc.

6. We've gotten to spend time (and money) making the house look cool, which is something I enjoy and have really appreciated. I just have so many ideas and am glad we've gotten to do some of them. Things that would take time and effort I probably wouldn't have a lot of if I had small children... like putting frames up, painting things, getting a new couch, weird crafts that get left in the cupboard, etc.

7. I've learnt to appreciate certain special days and holidays more. I think because a lot of them revolve around the idea of 'family' and more so families-with-children, it forces me to re-evaluate why they are important in the first place. Or also to figure out how to celebrate them regardless of the 'children' part- especially ones like Christmas, Easter, etc...

8. As much as I've cried more in the last few years than in my whole lifetime put together, I think we've also been forced to laugh. (Probably still learning that as I can be a hard one to make laugh!)

You have to laugh about the path you never thought you'd be on- sex-within-a-timeframe (uh... honey... the doc says the follicles are lookin'-good... we might need to go home NOW...), injection needles in your cupboard, drugs in your fridge, pelvic ultrasounds with male gynes you've never met and the husband right there too, the fact that you have to PAY money for a chance to conceive, etc.

9. I think I've also gained great empathy for others, especially with learning to grieve or wait or deal with prayers that seem on hold. I am (I hope) more sensitive to those who are going through a hard time, have lost loved ones, who would like to be married but aren't, and of course others dealing with infertility and miscarriage.

10. Lastly, the world takes on a different colour. I've learnt so see things from a different perspective. A hard one to explain huh. Maybe on a deeper-level sort of way. Kinda like a stronger desire to see things from God's perspective and curious about how He deals with the heartbroken... I'm not sure!

Anyway. That's me for today. Better go get ready! (Will try post more photos later!)

What A Priviledge...

... to have a friend like this.

My friend C wrote this post the other day. She has been my biggest supporter and encourager even though she has not been through the same stuff. I admire her perseverance in trying to understand me and the things the husband and I have been going through.

So thankful for her!

She Ain't Heavy, She's My Mother

Haha. I just wanted to write that title for a giggle. Plus, I'm starting to feel pretty hefty these days. (No, it is not about my own mother haha!)

Some days I'm fine and some days I'm just so wasted. Plus that nausea-feeling is still there. Bummer. Oh well. I don't know how I'm going to carry this load around for two more months but... WE CAN DO IT!

On a different note, it is Mother's Day tomorrow. My mom's away and the husband's mom lives in Canada so we won't be doing much for it in that sense.

I haven't decided about church, though I was fortunate enough to get a sneakpeek into what the service is going to be about (thanks A). I am thankful for that, but regardless of the content, I have a feeling I'll still be bawling my eyes out in the back. I mean, I already do that at a normal service! So we'll see.

I don't know if being pregnant makes this year much different. Here's one woman's take on Mother's Day and being a mom after infertility.

Here's another angle- Mother's Day for a motherless daughter.

And here's one for those who are not quite sure if they'll ever be mothers...

Life is interesting huh. I started this post this morning. Here I am at almost 9pm trying to finish it! In between I emailed a friend who's going through a tough time to do with recurrent pregnancy loss, a dear friend who's going through primary infertility, and I helped throw a baby shower for a close friend. And here I am capping it off writing about Mother's Day.

And oh, on a side note, I thought it was curious that Anna Jarvis, who founded Mother's Day as a kind of holiday, was an unmarried woman herself and had no kids. I guess I just wonder how she felt and also what she'd think if she knew Mother's Day has become a big worldwide thing now.

Whether you are celebrating your mom tomorrow or hiding at home with as much distraction as possible, I'm thinking of you and know that you're allowed to have a wonderful day of celebration, but also if it is a crappy or confusing day, that's okay too.

(don't tell my mom i put this up. that's her with my bro and i.)

P.S. My mom's about 5ft and maybe 50kgs. She's definitely not heavy.

"Is this your first baby?"

(avoid conversation with this woman! she often doesn't know what to say and cries easily! haha.)

When we were at the wedding in Nelson a couple weekends ago, this was a question that came up a few times. I've asked it myself and I really don't mind it as it is just a part of conversation, as what they are actually asking is, "Do you have any other kids?"

But it caught me by surprise when it was asked of me! Because I know the simple answer is 'Yes'. And yet the more correct answer is 'No'. And yet I didn't want anyone to feel uncomfortable, because they really weren't asking for my life-story.

Then again I'm someone who likes meaningful conversation, so I find myself torn and hesitating for a split second, which I'm sure seems weird if you were the 'asker' as you'd think it'd be a pretty easy one!

Anyway. I usually just answer a polite yes, so that the whole group conversation can move on... but last night, I got a little bold.

I was at someone's house and I got talking with one woman. Maybe because it was a one-to-one conversation and we already knew her husband a little, I'm not sure... so when she asked me, "Is this your first baby?", I decided to take the plunge and I said, "Well, you know, this is actually not my first pregnancy, but yes it is the first baby that has come this far along and we're stoked!"

I wasn't sure where this was going to take us but I trust that this was God thing because then we went on to have a conversation about infertility. She shared with me that they have gone through infertility themselves, have not been able to get pregnant, and are currently living life as two.

We didn't get to chat for very long, but it was a major connection point (had to blink back tears), and I appreciate that she opened up. It is a tough topic to be talking about with someone you just met! On my end of course it is always special to share with someone like her that I'm pregnant, as she understands how huge of a miracle it is too.

I'm not sure where I was heading with this post! But I guess I was thinking, sometimes it is worth the risk being vulnerable as you never know, you might find someone who's been on a similar path too! (And it is kinda like a painfully special scar you share.)

Ten things at Twelvish

(wrong time. oh well.)

1. Thankful for pancakes this morning (after dreaming about them haha). YUM.

2. Thankful for a Saturday morning to chill and catch up with thoughts and things (laundry haha).

3. Thankful for some time I spent yesterday with two special friends who'd gone through miscarriages recently. It was good to catch up with them and just comforting to be able to talk about our 'children we've never met' openly and without reserve or feeling bad/weird. Glad we finally got to hang out!

4. Thankful for the Christchurch Earthquake Memorial Service that I watched this morning online cos' I missed it yesterday. It was hard to watch of course, but also a bittersweet reminder of God's power and strength in times of great need.

5. Thankful for God's supernatural comfort in times of deep sadness and grieving. Some dear friends have had to say goodbye to their dear tiny daughter, Eden Grace, who was 17 days old. She was born at 26 weeks of pregnancy. Her life was a miracle in itself, but it is so hard too... and I'm praying for her parents and brother as they cope with their loss. I cannot imagine how hard this is for them.

6. Thankful for the power of music that touches us even if we come from different perspectives and backgrounds. They sang a few beautiful songs at the Christchurch Memorial Service- like Amazing Grace and Welcome Home.

7. Thankful that my sis-in-law, K, was unhurt in a car accident this past week, where her SUV was turned on its side! Also cool that the kids were at home with my brother. Praying for them as this stuff is still always scary and can be stressful.

8. Thankful for soft-serve. Ya, serious.

(not my pic)

Haha yes. I love them. Plus, I don't know why it took me so long to catch on that the vanilla soft-serve cones at McDonald's are only 60-cents! Is there anything else that cheap around here?

I usually get the hot fudge/chocolate sundaes in a cup that cost way more. So I think I'll switch over to the cones... plus they probably are 'less bad' haha... NOW if only they had the half-chocolate and half-vanialla twist ones here... ahhhhh that'd be heaven. You know those? They don't have them here in NZ...

( AND Do you know? I used to have the Fisher-Price McDonald's Kitchen set, like this, yes they whole big thing with the drive through window and kitchen. The soft-serve machine was my favourite part!!!)

9. Thankful that we have made it to 24 weeks and 5 days of pregnancy.

It is fascinating and awesome to think that if I had the baby now (of course not ideal but just saying...) he would have a chance at surviving outside the womb. It would be registered as a birth in some countries, not sure about here. Just quite a thought! Praising God for this life.

10. Thankful for my mother who continues to feed me. She's been bringing me pots of food so that I don't have to cook that much. They last the husband and I a few meals a week.

It is a massive blessing because I've been so tired and some evenings I work, so it makes it very convenient. However, I hope she isn't using up all her cooking stamina because I'll need it more when baby comes!

Had a lunch break between writing point 8. and points 9.-10. so now it is like almost two! haha. Have a good day out there.

Mercy

(pic of pie because... truth is, i often WANT pie but i don't necessarily always deserve it (?)... ok long shot- but I couldn't think of anything else to put as the photo haha)

Isn't it interesting how when you go through different chapters in life, some themes stand out to you more than others?

'Mercy' seems like such an old-fashioned word to me, and sorta religious and loaded... yet this is what I've been thinking about. Over and over...

This baby is such a crazy ridiculous miracle. I think every baby is a miracle really, but this one is has been so in-your-face massive for me.

I feel undeserved. And that's why I think I'm realising the extent of God's mercy. He didn't need to do this. We asked for it, yes, and of course some days I did feel like 'argh you owe me!' (er... probably plus a few more nasty words), but REALLY it wasn't our right to get the answer we wanted... and I am trying to grasp that.

It is not my right to be a mother... but God has shown me grace and mercy. I'm repeating this because it blows my mind. I can't even fully comprehend it. Yet this is such a big part of the Christian life too- being given what we never deserved in the first place, life and freedom through Christ.

So here I am carrying a little baby boy. And I am four months away from meeting him.

The flip side is I wonder if I'd have felt this way if this was earlier in the journey... did I need all that time to loosen my hold on my desire to control and WANT? I don't know and I don't think it is just about me...

But also the out-of-this-world nature of 'our story' having been such a mad one, makes it all the more awesome what God's done and the emphasis more on Him. It makes it so clear who's in charge...

Here's a song from an album I've been listening too lately (ya still loving this album A and thanks Kathy)... it isn't totally related to this subject, and is more about being in the depths of (I think) grief and suffering... but what has lingered with me are the lines:

Bind up these broken bones
Mercy bend and breathe me back to life
But not before you show me how to die



Maybe this is what I'm learning?

Hmmm... anyway. Just some thoughts.

Pregnancy after IF and miscarriage- Confessions

(er... admitting more than one thing really.)

I have been thinking to admit some things about what it has been like being pregnant after infertility and miscarriage... I've hoped for this blog to be a place others can come to and feel some relief, but this has also been a safe place for me to say things that I may not dare share in real life.

So this may seem indulgent but I've always wanted to be open in this blog so here goes...

1. Especially when I was not yet 12-14 weeks, I was very nervous about noticing bleeding... What would I do, how would I handle it? Thankfully this feeling has subsided, especially from the 'fear of miscarriage' perspective... I think taking one day at a time is/was the only way!

2. I am just going to put this one out there. As much as we are so grateful to be 'pregnantly surprised', and naturally too, it was hard to not be slightly resentful that we could not experience the bliss and naievete of not knowing any other scenario.

When we found out we were pregnant, there was no jumping in the air or hi-fives, just us looking like we saw a ghost. And I felt a little stink for disbelieving this dear little baby was real! (Please know we have squealed in delight and are celebrating this little baby... it just took a while to get there!)

3. I secretly hoped that having had a rocky road before this, pregnancy would be easy (i.e. less nausea-feeling please!) ... um... no, doesn't work like that haha!

4. We had ultrasounds/scans at around 6, 8 and 10 weeks, then later on at 19 weeks. It was so bizarre having them all be 'normal'. I wanted to say, "Are you sure? Are you sure?"...

5.  Doing extra bloods and scans were not bad as they brought much information and therefore helped with the anxiety about the pregnancy, but progesterone inserts! (Yes inserts... pessaries? Whatever you call them...)

Those of you who have had to do them- big ups to you! I hated them so bad. You do them for 6-8 weeks (like 50+ days) and it is two little 'pills' 3 times a day, which is 300+ of them!!! Loved it when the specialist said, "You can wean off the progesterone now!". Fortunately I only needed to do a few weeks for this round. Phew.

6. There are still leftover fertility drugs in my fridge and a sharps bin in my closet (from September)... you just get used to them being around... then you realise you may ACTUALLY not need them for the 'next' round cos' this one is actually progressing...

7. I still get a twinge of envy when I find out suddenly that someone is pregnant like really soon after trying. I know this sounds so selfish and terrible but I do. I think it may get better eventually... Lord help me.

8. I wish I had a t-shirt that said something like "If you're waiting for a bump like this... hang in there!", as we all know what it is like to stare at someone like me.

SO... Having said all this, I'm currently 22.5 weeks and everything is still looking good. Today I'm going to go look at some baby things with my fab friend C. Who knew we'd be here in this position? Praise God for being generous and full of grace.

Loosely Accurate General Preg Timeline/Milestone Info

A couple friends/family members have asked me when the main 'milestones' are in terms of pregnancy... like when would we know that everything's ok.

And generally, you can't be sure at anytime really, until the baby is born and you can see him/her, and the docs can check things, but I thought some of this info might be helpful. May be boring.

Those who know me (will laugh and) know that even though I'm a detailed person and have sat through many fertility appointments, when it comes to regurgitating certain info, like medical things, I pretty much zone out, so this is probably filled with incorrect terminology and slightly watered down science.

week 1
From week 1-8, they call baby 'an embryo'.

As a general rule of thumb, you start counting 'weeks of pregnancy' when your last period starts. (I know, I've always found that interesting cos' that is before sperm-meets-egg, but it is actually neat to think the whole process starts with the follicle/egg growing!)

week 2
End of this week is roughly when most ovulate (but it varies).

I don't take for granted that many of us struggle to even make it to week 2. IF-ers pray for good follicles here and may get an extra 'trigger' boost to make ovulation happen.

Yes let's just spell it out, this is when you want to be having sexual intercourse if you are trying to have a baby.

week 4
This is when your period may be due, and about the earliest anyone realises they are pregnant. IF-ers on fertility treatment often do a blood test here to find out after the dreadful two-week-wait.

week 6
IF-ers (and sometimes those who have suffered a miscarriage in the past) often have an ultrasound scan here to try to detect a yolk sac and heartbeat- heartbeat may not be detectable yet here. Some also scan around here for 'dating' if you don't ovulate regularly.

week 8
From about here or 9 weeks on, they call baby 'a foetus'.

RPL (recurrent pregnancy loss) types may have another scan here to check on the baby. They may also be having regular blood tests every week since finding out, to track pregnancy hormone levels are rising like normally should...

I'm not huge on relying on stats, but overall, if a heartbeat is detected here, they say it is a 97% chance that you will carry to term.

week 12
This is the end of the first trimester. Losses that take place in the first trimester are called 'early miscarriages'.
(Again, stats don't mean a lot to me personally, but they can be helpful...) If you make it here with good bloods and good scans, they say the risk if miscarriage it no more than 1%.

For those on the more normal end, this is when you have your first scan. (You may also have the 'nuchal' option to the scan which is when they check on the probablility of your child having Down Syndrome.)

That's why, for many, they announce their pregnancy to the wider public around 12-14 weeks.

week 20
Those under specialists may have been doing scans more often, but overall, you have your 'anatomy' scan around here, when they check on the baby's organs and how they are functioning, etc.

Many also find out the sex of the baby here. Or not. (We are hoping to!)

Losing a baby after the first trimester and before 20-ish weeks is sometimes termed a 'late miscarriage'. (Note:  light bleeding in the second and third trimester is often caused by other things, not necessarily because baby is in trouble. )

If the baby dies after 20 weeks (some sources may vary), this is called a 'preterm birth' or a 'stillbirth'.

week 24-25ish
This is the third trimester.

Some babies born around here survive so they they reach a stage of potential viability. (Some countries will register a baby born here as a birth.)

For many, reaching this is another big milestone.

week 30+
There's another scan around here to check on the placenta, position, etc.

[Probably missing some good info here... blah blah...]

week 37-42
Pregnancies last around 38 weeks. So 37-42 weeks is when people usually expect to have the baby.

Ultimately, making it here would be fab!

Ten Things at 10am

** Caution: pregnacy-talk in this post. IF-ers who want to skip, feel free. Or just look at photos and fastforward to point 10.**

(new year, new clock photo!)

It is already 10:30 am but I thought to do this anyway... I'll write about my pregnancy since I haven't really shared a whole lot about it.

1. We have made it to 15 weeks and 5 days. Yes I'm marvelling that I can say those numbers, they are like a dream to me!

2. We are still nervous, but we are trying to celebrate and experience it to the best of our abilities. I've heard the baby's heartbeat once (at 11 weeks- Ohmygosh. It is crazyawesome. I had no idea. The dear midwife and I started crying.) and we haven't checked on anything since! We have another appointment with the mid-wife next week, so hopefully that'll provide some relief.

3. Part of trying to be 'normal'... we have bought a couple things already. Haha. It was supposed to just be 'research' but we found a couple second-hand baby things on trademe so we got them. Pretty stoked.

4. Even though some books have said to not buy any maternity clothes early on, I've bought some shorts and jeans. I am already uncomfortable in my usual stuff... so I thought why not embrace it all while I can...

(random interesting photo to make wordy post more interesting)

5. I will admit that losing this baby is not far from my mind (though there are zero signs of any complications up til now. Praise God!) but the husband and I are resolving to take it as it comes. Right now things look good so we will go with good!

6. I'm feeling better. My sickness/fatigue/combo wasn't fab for a while, but I didn't have any vomiting which I'm thankful for and the evenings are still a little yucky, but I think the outline of my shape/dent on the work couch and on my own couch at home is slowly going to go- yay.

Other than lying on the couch I also have spent most of the last couple months planning what to eat next, eating, planning what to snack on next to get rid of weird taste, eating, but not eating too much cos' that can make me feel sick, and planning what to eat next that doesn't make me feel sick. Fascinating. My social life has been pretty sad.

7. You know when I did that half-marathon at the end of October? Yeah. I was already pregnant then. Mad huh? Looking back it makes sense that I was so super-thirsty and slower than the usual slow haha.

My GP and I had a laugh (in a sorta 'incredulous' way) when I told her because no recurrent-miscarriage-person should be running half-marathons when they are pregnant, or anything close to that... yet we did and we are okay, oh gosh. Not that I would've done it if I'd known!

8. This is my fifth pregnancy guys. yikes. The only one that's made it past 12 weeks. Saying 'fifth' is unreal.

9. I found out I was pregnant a few days after I came back from that 2-day trip to Dunedin (yes sorry I was unable to share the news for a while) to visit a dear friend in November. I had been dreadfully tired (my poor host! I was not the most energetic visitor haha... ) which I just thought nothing of but then I started to get nauseous and that was the point where I was like, "What the?"...

Dealing with IF for a while, you get so anti about doing pregnancy tests so the husband and I weren't sure whether to or not... but it got to the weekend and there weren't any doctors to call so we did one. And another one. And sat around in shock for a long time.

10. Not to make light of it, but this pregnancy has been so ridiculous (God you are hilarious in a good way) in so many ways... not only did I do that running (see point 7) which is a big NO-NO in old-wives-tips realms as well as especially for pregnancy loss types (which is totally fair enough)...

Believe it or not, I was also SUPER STRESSED in the weeks that we supposedly conceived. HA. (I don't have a cycle so it was based on a dating scan.)

(cute photo of sammy so everyone will like him)

It was Sammy. Sammy had just arrived a little bit before and we were totally uptight because he brought a bundle of dramas which made us think we'd done the wrong thing getting him... and we were thinking, 'Oh what have we done... we're supposed to make our lives more relaxed not worse... we are gonna lose all our friends.' (Like it was serious. He attacked people. BUT Thankfully Sammy has improved a lot!)

So. So much for all those comments to tell people (especially infertility-types) to relax and get pregnant. (I know I know there's good-heartedness and some medical-ness behind them but... ) I'm trying to hold back from saying, "In yo face, preggie-tips!" and I'm personally secretly glad I debunked a couple of those haha.

(i'm smiling, and getting wide, like this crazygingerbread woman.)