Mercy

(pic of pie because... truth is, i often WANT pie but i don't necessarily always deserve it (?)... ok long shot- but I couldn't think of anything else to put as the photo haha)

Isn't it interesting how when you go through different chapters in life, some themes stand out to you more than others?

'Mercy' seems like such an old-fashioned word to me, and sorta religious and loaded... yet this is what I've been thinking about. Over and over...

This baby is such a crazy ridiculous miracle. I think every baby is a miracle really, but this one is has been so in-your-face massive for me.

I feel undeserved. And that's why I think I'm realising the extent of God's mercy. He didn't need to do this. We asked for it, yes, and of course some days I did feel like 'argh you owe me!' (er... probably plus a few more nasty words), but REALLY it wasn't our right to get the answer we wanted... and I am trying to grasp that.

It is not my right to be a mother... but God has shown me grace and mercy. I'm repeating this because it blows my mind. I can't even fully comprehend it. Yet this is such a big part of the Christian life too- being given what we never deserved in the first place, life and freedom through Christ.

So here I am carrying a little baby boy. And I am four months away from meeting him.

The flip side is I wonder if I'd have felt this way if this was earlier in the journey... did I need all that time to loosen my hold on my desire to control and WANT? I don't know and I don't think it is just about me...

But also the out-of-this-world nature of 'our story' having been such a mad one, makes it all the more awesome what God's done and the emphasis more on Him. It makes it so clear who's in charge...

Here's a song from an album I've been listening too lately (ya still loving this album A and thanks Kathy)... it isn't totally related to this subject, and is more about being in the depths of (I think) grief and suffering... but what has lingered with me are the lines:

Bind up these broken bones
Mercy bend and breathe me back to life
But not before you show me how to die



Maybe this is what I'm learning?

Hmmm... anyway. Just some thoughts.