Going Public

Okay so not everyone will approve of this maybe but yesterday I posted our news on Facebook. I thought about it for a long (LONG) time and I decided to do it.

I know I know. Previously, I've moaned about how pregnancy announcements (like ones on Facebook) can be so hard- and they are... whatever the means of communication is. (Interestingly, since being pregnant, I have still found them difficult! Hard one to decipher.) So I tried to make sure I worded it sensibly and I emailed/messaged close friends a while beforehand so hopefully it lessens those who may find it hard or too surprising, as the surprise factor is always an element of it too.

You can't please everyone huh. And I know I'd like to so this is a learning process for me too.

For me writing that 'status' thing was a way for us to 'go public' and also to celebrate this baby. I also wanted to acknowledge that there are many friends and family who are with us on this ride, especially those who have been praying for us... this is answer to their prayers too... so I hope that was obvious.

Oh this is what I said if you are curious (yeah I maximised the 420-ish spaces you are allowed haha):

We have a bun in the oven. Not kidding. As u can imagine, we are thankful beyond words, n God has definitely surprised us with this ridiculously awesome gift. Thankful for many of u who have been praying for n journeying with us. We've also made it to 14 weeks, which is a massive miracle n further (n less complicated) than our previous pregnancies. Celebrate n pray with us that we will be able to carry baby to term!

Overall... I am grateful for the fact that I even get to say, 'We're pregnant.' That has been a phrase that I have become so allergic to these past years. I know some of you guys know what I mean.

Hmmm... I guess the conflicting beast that infertility is continues for a while!

ANYWAY. I'm on break, can you tell? That's why I have time to post haha. Talk more soon.

Phew.

I survived my 21 km! Thanks for all the support you guys. I had a lovely crew who cheered me on. It was so hard- I hit a wall unexpectedly earlier than planned, then it was survival-mode from then on. I'm proud to say I didn't walk and I still did it in a great time for my standards. I made it in 2 hours 7 mins!

Thank you God for helping me through one of the longest two hours ever! Still felt great at the end though.

 (Running photos are terrible and one day I will post a photo of me NOT in running gear cos' I'm really not as hard-core-sporty as it looks. I picked this because the guy behind is walking so it makes me look good. I really struggled on the Harbour Bridge, but they closed the lane just for us so I tried to make the most of it! haha.)

Probably because of the big run, I've been pretty tired these last couple days, and that will be my excuse for having a sorta hard couple of days. It has been busy at work overall too.

Well... that and I noticed a Facebook pregnancy announcement this morning (man oh man maybe I do need to just not use it...Oh Lord how many more, please help me), and the husband has kicked off his Mo-vember campaign (hahaha... sigh... poor me poor me), so it is great timing to be LEAVING Auckland for a couple days. I'm visiting a dear friend in Dunedin (all the way down in the South Island!). I'm excited about that and I'm sure we'll have a fun time. woopwoop.

(map of nz! top red dot is auckland and bottom one is dunedin!)

It'll just be nice to spend time with her, be seeing new sights and be AWAY from normal life for a short time. I will miss the husband though. I think cos' it has been a difficult time for us this past year, I find it hard being apart from him! I know sounds so needy but it is totally the truth- I've become super clingy in a random kind of way. SAD. Sigh. haha.

Anyway. Gotta go get the bags ready. Hope you are having a good week and all you North Americans had a fun Halloween!

Facebook... sigh...

I found this news article about those going though infertility and handling Facebook pregnancy announcements at Untangle Me.

Totally. I do like using Facebook to keep in touch with friends but I've hidden one or two people because I can't handle their comments on their ongoing pregnancy. I like them and I'm happy for them but it is too hard to have dangling in front of you whenever you open Facebook.

Yet do you find yourself clicking through all their photos during pregnancy and even after the birth? Oh gosh yes. I guess I'm so intrigued and so fascinated by what I cannot have or my body won't do.

The initial announcement is hard. I do understand the desire to celebrate and share the news with everyone. I'm sure I'd want to do that too, to some extent, if I were pregnant, but I can't always handle it on the receiving end because of where I'm at.

I'm sure posts like this sounds quite self-centered. After all, pregnancy news is good stuff. She's having a baby!

I get that. But since when is this journey rational? At the end of the day, it hurts. It feels unfair. It feels like you're being overtaken yet again. It feels like you are being left behind. It feels like you're not good enough.

You're still waiting. You exist in two worlds- the world where you are okay and you are celebrating with them, and you mean it and then there's the world where you feel so jealous, so freaking frustrated that it is not your announcement.

They say it doesn't really get 'easier' though... for those who have gone through infertility and whether or not you do end up having kids, they say the stab to the heart or the slight lurch of the stomach still will be there, but I think I'm hoping I get better at handling it and start to have some better ways to cope? Let's keep hoping.

Weeping into the pillow before bed isn't the greatest on the eyes the next morning, nor is randomly freaking out on the inside how much you hate your body that great for the general well-being. (Not always. But we have Issues. I know.)

Anyway. So what should we do? There's gotta be a way to function like semi-normal. A list would be great of course.

1. Don't use Facebook. (Easier said than done.)

2. As the article mentioned, use the 'hide' option. It is there, why not? (If only there was that option in real life!)

3. Collect a couple trusted friends to warn you if they know there is an 'announcement' coming.

4. Look at every friend on your list who is married and tell yourself that they may be pregnant soon... this sounds ridiculous, but may help to reduce shock-factor. (This was a tip a friend of mine shared with me. She's also been through a rough time with infertility and I thought this was helpful. )

5. If you know friends are trying to conceive or just pregnant and you are okay enough to converse with them about your journey, ask them if they can let you know when they are going to announce the news to the rest of the world- so you can brace yourself for conversations, etc. Explain how it can help to know beforehand.

(I've found that being open with my journey has helped my friends be more aware of how to be sensitive, though it can make me feel super vulnerable at times... I'm really thankful for them.)

Obviously it is not our 'right' to know early or know at all so there will still be tricky ones, but this can help.

6. Pray that God will help you grow a THICK thick skin, protect your heart from the envy and focus on the right things. (Pray also for a bigger picture perspective. So needed but so hard.)

Umm... Okay so there are not that many ways to prevent this. I'm sorry.

Let me know if you've found anything else that may make it better...

Mixed May

I might try and sneak a couple of posts into before the end of the month- which means today! haha. I think of so many things to say and write here, but takes me time to spit it out. Very typical really, I'm like this even in conversation.

We're like in the middle of the year almost! Scary.

May has been a mixed month for us. Lots of wonderful things and also hard things.

Great things:

• 8th 'Dating' Anniversary for the husband and I- I got flowers on that day! woopwoop.
• Birthday celebrations (like six?) of special friends and family (I love buying presents!)- fun times
• Birth of a good friend's baby- a super cute little girl
• Meaningful chats with a lovely friend
• Had my surgery done and seems like all went well
• Pregnancy announcements from a few friends
• Mother's Day
• Going into winter- getting out my boots!
• Survived six months of waiting (in terms of 'not trying')

Hard things:

• Surgery bill- mostly covered by insurance, thankfully, but still a bit to cover on our end. hmmm...
• Pregnancy announcements from a few friends
• Mother's Day
• Going into winter... cold!
• Due date of our baby we lost in November

It has been interesting for me to think through some of these things that exist in both the wonderful and difficult categories. Life is curious like that. Thank you for walking it with me.

(Off to work!)

The day after the day after Mother's Day

Two days ago it was Mother's Day and I thought about not writing about it, but here I am, writing a sort of delayed response!

These last two years, I decided to not attend the church service on Mother's Day. Please know that I am not anti-mothers, I know a few and I like them. I understand why it is important to encourage and appreciate motherhood. However, because of all it represents, it hits home pretty hard. Emotionally, I still don't think I can do it without flooding the room with tears and I want the moms there to have a good time, instead of having to be distracted. I'm over trying to be 'brave' so I'd just rather not go.

I had a great time eating and celebrating with my mother. She had decided she wanted to have an afternoon tea at her house and invite her friends, many of whom are not mothers themselves. I'm not sure why she decided to do this but in some ways it was nice to still be having a little 'party' so I could show her my appreciation, but not necessarily be focused on 'mothers'. I am thankful for my mom. I know she finds it very hard to know how to deal with (or talk about) my infertility and losses, but she is trying her best (some conversations are better than other) to be sensitive and encouraging- which I appreciate so much. She writes great cards and reminds me of God's promises.

In short, I 'survived' Mother's Day. I sneaked past unharmed. Did you?

But what about today? Today we got a pregnancy announcement. YES. They're having a baby. YES I should've known that.

 I was pretty naive to think that more of these weren't coming. Here I am again, happy-sad-guilty. Happy for them, sad for me/us, and so guilty that I'm happy-sad. (What kind of friend am I??)

It cracks me up (I mean laughter not tears- I'm sure it is confusing haha), but also sort of not, at how I was so focused on dealing with Mother's Day, and forgot that everyday is really a kind of Mother's Day while I'm in this infertility road. And not just for me and infertility, but others who struggle for different reasons too... such as loss of a parent. Life is just not quite the same anymore. 'Normal' things carry so much more weight and meaning. Perspective huh.

Sometimes I do wonder what it would be like if I could hit 'rewind'... I know I can't and probably won't- even if I had the choice. But just a frequent thought.

When Bombshells Hit - Pregnancy Announcements

I'm trying to think through what it feels like when a friend tells me she's pregnant. I think maybe I should clarify that actually, it is more, what it feels like when a friend tells me she's pregnant AND I'm not (well... still not pregnant, or no longer pregnant, ultimately, not pregnant now).

Firstly, I need to assure you that I do often feel genuinely happy for the friend who has shared the news. I am glad for them that they are going to be parents and I am glad for them that they are not in my (current) shoes. At the same time though, and somehow this is possible, I'm am gutted. I'm gutted almost on a separate dimension. That they are and I'm not. And it is not about the friend or person who is having the baby, it is somehow separate. It is about the significance or the representation of the very thing I desire so badly.

And this feeling of 'guttedness' is so peculiar. I felt it when I found out about my PCOS and that I'd have problems conceiving. I felt it when I let myself acknowlege my baby losses. I feel it when I stare at my husband and think of how I ache for a child that looks and takes after him. It is the craziest deep feeling of someone extracting the core out of you and slamming it into a wall- and then played over in slow-mo. It is inside of me but almost a tangible pain.

Maybe kinda like this:

Do you feel this too?

And of course there are deeper issues here, like anger, frustration, questions about God's ability, fairness, justice, about His understanding, whether His google maps to my house aren't working, my basic self-centeredness magnified to the max, etc. (Will pursue that later.)

But here are a couple things that make it easier for me, in terms of baby announcements:

1. When I'm warned. Whether it is by the prospective parents themselves, letting me know earlier and personally (as in not in a huge group/public), or by another friend, it seems to ease the 'surprise'. I know I cannot expect this of everyone, as it is their news to celebrate when they want, but if you are a friend to someone struggling with fertility, this could be something to note.

2. Knowing they have been trying helps. Similar to the first point, when I know, for example, this is the year they are planning to have kids and they do get pregnant, this also takes away some of the shock.

3. Sometimes with closer friends or relatives, it is easier, maybe cos' you knew they were trying, or you know they are gonna be cool parents or you know they aren't taking it for granted. I'm not sure why. It can be easier to be judgemental of the ones I don't know well or at all. However, sometimes the grief can be more intense when they are closer to you cos' you feel all the more envious. I guess there are no clear rules to this.

Funny (well, 'funny' is one way to put it) what you think of when you get the news though. I think through how old they are compared to us. (Sorta freak out if they are younger.) I think about how long they've been married compared to us. (Sorta freak out too if they have been married for a shorter time. Or try to relax it if they've been married longer. ) I think about their jobs. I think about whether I think they are ready. I think about the quality of their marriage (as if I would know). I critically try to analyse them in two seconds to see if they really know how fortunate they are. blah blah. The things I NEVER wanted to do, I do in my head. (Oh please help me God.)