Ten Things Around 10 A.M.

(I'm no saint, but I figure this is a good exercise for me to do as I have an overactive mind and can get obsessed or occupied by things that are immediately in my path, and not notice some other things that maybe happening. This is a good way for me to remind myself what God is doing along the way. )

Ten things I'm thanking God for today:

1. Lost and Found: My engagement ring diamond went missing the other night! I was horrified to see just the empty claws holding nothing! Felt quite sick that I'd lost this precious gift from the husband.

ugh

However, the next day, the husband miraculously found it under the desk at our work. (The claws had worn down and it popped out! Scary.) Phew. So relieved.

2. Even if we didn't find it, it would have sucked, but it would've been okay. Thankful for the husband (who found it but also) was trying to tell me it didn't really matter, at the end of the day it is just a piece of jewellery.

3. My mother, also known as Mrs K, who is waiting to patiently for grandkids from me but is trying not to put any pressure and has tried her best to be so gentle about it, reminding me to continue to wait on God.

4. Also thankful for her food. She gives us lots of food to bring home, even after we've visited her on Sunday nights to have dinner at her house. This week she gave me hamburger patties and this is our burger (with egg and bacon for extra protein- as if we need it haha- so yummy though!)

5. Ballet Class. So exciting! I went to do an adult ballet class this week. I have been looking forward to trying it out as it is something I used to do as a girl and still do enjoy. I'm waaaaay rusty of course, but the other women were not super experienced either, so it was good. (I'm hoping it will be a good attention diverter from some of the intense life stuff going on... may not always be able to go because of work, but still good to know there is a class I can attend and feel comfortable in)

6. Learning to laugh- still. I have to share that at this ballet class that was meant to take my mind off things, there was a pregnant lady! (Probably just like four months or something, just a little bump. Definitely was cos' someone mentioned it, not my imagination.) I have to admit, mid-jete, when I realised, I was a tad horrified because I so was wanting it to be a place where I could just relax and not think about baby-stuff... but somehow it will follow me wherever I go. It probably is a little silly thinking I can totally avoid it. I told the husband when I got home and we just had to sigh and laugh about it.

7. We bought this magnetic knife holder thing almost a year ago. We don't have IKEA here and we got it from IKEA in Gold Coast last year and lugged it home in our suitcases along with a duvet cover set, clocks and a heart-shaped mirror (yes... not kidding. Don't laugh too hard. Would've put shelving units in it too if I could've). Anyway, the husband finally put it up for me. Pretty stoked!

8. My friend C. She is a great encourager and cheerleader. She is trying so hard to understand this journey I'm on, and yet it is hard for her too as she hasn't had to experience the same issues. She was so impacted by the last post's video clip that she shared it on her FB page! This was so that others can also learn more about the difficulties of infertility stuff. I was very touched and encouraged.

9. Music. I love listening to music- all sorts! At the moment, because of where I'm at, I'm finding that bands like Casting Crowns are more helpful for me to listen to than others. It soothes my soul and reminds me that I need to let God take the driver's seat. It helps my mind zoom out to the bigger picture in life- where we are at with Christ. It also brings me to tears because trusting God is the hardest thing to do, especially cos' there has been so much heartache.

10. Random friendships I'm making on this (often-unwanted) journey... people from church, friends of friends, other bloggers, long-time friends who I'm reconnecting with. I'm surprised by how it has opened up new conversations and new depths in relationships.

God has definitely been good to me.

(started this post just before 10am but now it is almost 10:30. haha. oh well.)

Thanks for Airing

This morning I watched a doco about Jay Jay Feeney and Dom Harvey, local DJs who are husband and wife and have been trying for a baby. Some friends had seen it and told me about it- they warned that it'd be hard so I left it for a couple days before I watched it. They made a documentary on their fourth IVF cycle. (It was aired on 'Sunday' on 30th of May. Click to watch it but I'm not sure if non-NZers can view the video. Sometimes the TV people limit it to locals...)

I'm sorry that it did not have a 'happy' ending but I have to say it outlined the journey so well. They also braved the cameras and shared all the emotions that the husband and I have felt too, even though we haven't done IVF before. I think all fertility treatment cycles carry similar emotional impact. I watched it as I ate my breakfast and was trying to shove the porridge in my mouth before it got more soggy.

I just appreciate that their vulnerability would've been so hard. For us, sometimes the fact that friends and family know that we are trying can be bad enough, let alone the NZ public. We want them to know because we need the prayers, support and care, but it can be so difficult too because your lives and dreams are just right out there, and as especially when something goes wrong, there is such a sense of wanting to be alone in the grief and sometimes even a strong sense of failure.

Yet openness helps us all to learn from each other and empathise, so it is a funny tension again. I think airing it on TV also helped everyone have a bit more of a realistic idea of what's involved with infertility and treatments- in this case, IVF.

It was just comforting for me to see Jay Jay do the injections, wait for phone calls and react to the various bits of news, as they were all things we have done too. It was also hard but kinda cool to hear Dom's perspective, I think it gave a voice to many husbands out there who are also on this mad mad journey. (Thank you for sharing.)

Tips on Drawing Blood

(No I'm not commenting on any vampire movies or TV shows. Not that they are popular around here or anything. ha... yes they are. )

I've recently been having a bit of trouble with my veins when I get blood work done. They seem to collapse or do something tricky. I'm pretty ok with having them pricked again or done again on the other arm, but it does hurt, and it does get wearying when it happens repeatedly.

You may already know this... Here are a couple tips I've learnt if you have disobedient veins like mine at the moment:

- Drink lots of water before you get to the clinic. Simple but it works. (This is especially relevant for fertility treatment stuff cos' we often have to do our blood tests first thing in the morning, we're already slightly dehydrated from sleeping all night, and I can forget to drink when I am rushing out the door.)

- Bring a heated wheatbag or hot water bottle or something that you can press on the inside of your elbow to heat it up when you are waiting for your turn. It warms up your veins and somehow helps it to 'pop' up. This worked beautifully for me today. Yuss.

Any other tips?

Photo Time

Putting up that last post's pic of the spiderweb got me thinking to post a few more pics on here. I've been fiddling with my little point and shoot camera and am quite proud of the photos I've managed to take! Here are some shots from my past couple weeks.

It is wintery and cold here... lovely time to read by the fire.

Speaking of fire, here's our firewood basking in the winter sun. We're trying to dry these ones out... probably more for next winter.

A couple posts ago, I moaned about not being able to bake a chocolate cake. I ended up managing to make making a chocolate mudcake that needed less eggs haha and also contained baileys and coffee. yum!

I love it with a cup of tea.

Last weekend, the husband took us away for a weekend! It was a lovely surprise to spend some time with him. We actually just ended up in a place just out of the city center, as he thought I'd like it for the food and shopping in the area. WOW. That was so sweet (especially when what husband likes to shop?)

I didn't get pics of our time away, but I did get a photo towards the end when we went to visit the park where he proposed to me SIX years ago! We used to walk up the hill a lot when we were dating and we also took a couple wedding photos there. It has a fab view of Auckland.

Mt Eden is a volcano, so you may be able to sort of see the crater shape in this pic... and it was a gorgeous Sunday afternoon too...

This photography stuff has been an accidental new hobby for me... didn't think I could take such lovely pics with my little Canon Powershot... but pretty stoked with these! Yay. (Feel free to share tips.)

Random last addition: I also love home decor stuff. Today I just put up some frames containing photos of my gorgeous nieces and nephews. So excited about them! Here's a pic of the corner of my living room.

Okay... probably enough for now. Hope you are having a good and restful Sunday.

8th Time

Hello! Having slight issues with my blogging career, can't seem to keep up with my intention to post regularly haha.

Anyway. We are trying again. How I got through the last seven months, I'm not sure. But here we are!

I did a count and this is our eighth time trying with assistance. If I do some quick math, and I like math, so please don't mind me, that's like an average of maybe 8 x 4 = 32 blood tests, and possibly like 8 x 2 = 16 ewwy scans. I mean at least that! Cos' often there's extra tests and things. Of course, it depends on your clinic and the amount of monitoring you get... random tangent I know, but that was just some interesting calculating for me. (And no, I never get used to the prick of the blood tests or the prod of the scans, but what to do!)

Needless to say, I'm scared. Terrified. I am finding this round a different kind of hard, probably because our loss in November was so shattering. I have hope but it is a disturbed kind of hope.

I'm trying to keep myself distracted and being busy does help. However, the two-week-wait will eventually come and I'm dreading that as that is the worst. (I'm thinking to maybe do something a bit different to get through it, like the Twelve Days of Christmas- so fourteen daily events? Or fourteen gifts for myself? Ideas?)

Overall I'm doing surprisingly well. (Thank you for praying for us if you have been.) Thank God for the husband who is doing the injecting for me. The last round was ten months ago and it took us a while to remember how it all works... I can't bring myself to do it- I know some of you do, big ups to you!

This morning, as I came home from my blood test (had to wake up early grrrr), I spotted this spider web outside our house...

Cool huh?

Things like this of God's creation help me to remember His greatness... which I forget very often.

Soothing the Crazywoman

What things make you cheer up a little?

Tuesday was the day I tried it all...

I had a couple bleak days at the beginning of this week. Hate how it makes me feel like I'm empty at the core. No wonder they call this infertility thing a monster, it rears its ugly head so unexpectedly... Everything makes you cry and everything makes you angry.

(Maybe that's how Venus F feels...)

Maybe it is the currently wonky hormones, maybe it was because I randomly decided to be smart and look up a information sheet on adoption where some random fact just made my hope levels plunge to the bottom, I'm not sure. I think I just get sick of it sometimes. Sick of waiting, sick of being patient, sick of planning my life around 'maybes'... so I just got sad.

So anyway, I went to the mall after my early work-shift. Yes, I love shopping. I love looking at clothes and just looking out for good buys. Ahhh... instant bliss.

Um, not long-lasting though.

The knot in my stomach did not totally go away. I even had a bit of sushi to see if that would ease my prickly emotions. I love sushi. But my appetite is insatiable.

I went home and went out for a walk. Walking is good cos' it makes you breathe. I took my MP3 player with me intending to listen to some music (ahhh music is good...) as I walked as it was a beautiful and cold wintry day with pure blue skies...

...but the battery was dead. Haha. I felt like Ebenezer Scrooge on Christmas Eve.

So I stomped my way around the block and back. It was good but by then I'd realised my thought patterns were just going round and round in circles, a variety pack of all the things I could be insecure about were swarming like bees in a hive.

I knew the best thing was to focus on God's word. I read through a bunch of Psalms and tried to concentrate on the words. (Why didn't I start with that, I don't know.)

I know I say it often but I love turning to the Psalms.

Lord thank you for soothing my sour pruneyness
Some days I feel so lost, but knowing you are at the end of the road is my ultimate comfort.

I also texted a friend in a similar place to me, and it was a relief to know I was not alone. Thank you God for her.

The last thing I should've done to cap the day off would've been to bake a bunch of chocolate-chip-laden cookies and down them with a big cup of tea. But I didn't have time... all my frustrations had fast-forwarded me to dinner time.

(That's probably how you age quicky- be bitter. UhOh. Makes you pruney inside AND out.)

I did have to have a cup of tea with a close friend after dinner though. And that was also a fine way to spend the evening.

But life is weird. I feel like I never know what tomorrow brings.

I feel more 'normal' now. Or close at least. Thankyouverymuch.

(Maybe I should've had nutella on white bread for dessert... )

Saturday Afternoon

This afternoon I was planning to make a scrumptious chocolate cake but I forgot to get eggs when I was at the supermarket (don't you hate that) and I'm only one short but I can't be bothered going back, and I want to follow the recipe to the T cos' it is a new one, so I might make something else instead...

But it is a lovely day outside, which all of Auckland is thankful for cos' it has been pretty mad stormy for a while... so it is cold since there is little cloud, but oh so gorgeous.

The husband and I recently discovered that our little lemon tree is really going for it this year. Without much effort on our part, as we have been terrible at keeping the garden decent- I have no clue about these things.

Yet, there are tons of lemons on it! So fun! We've never seen this many before. Bummed about my lack of eggs (haha. in more ways than one huh ladies...) I decided to go take a few pics of our ballooning lemon tree.

Oh ya they look like oranges but they really are lemons...

Cool huh?

(Our yard is in a terrible state, but I think I have managed to hide that fact well in these pics. )

I'm refraining from making any jokes about life literarally handing me lemons, etc. But it is hard to not laugh about that, as it totally matches the season of life the husband and I have been in haha.

Anyway.  I'm going to go have a big think about what to make as it is hard to redirect expectations, especially high ones about having chocolate cake with frosting. (Actually that sounds a lot like something else doesn't it? haha.) Sigh.

Hope you are having a great weekend!

Guessing Games

Sometimes I wonder what people think of me. Um... hold on. Sometimes? Maybe more like very often. Being 'not good enough' is a big fear of mine. (I have a lot of thoughts on that topic of 'significance'... but we'll leave it for another day haha.) With infertility stuff, this takes a slightly different form.

More specifically what I'm thinking about today is that I think about reasons others may think of about why I don't have children yet. Do you do this too?

I think I do it because if I'm honest, I am sure I did this to others when I was younger and less experienced with life. I wondered why they didn't have kids and sort of guessed answers for them. It is that whole thing of wanting answers, almost any answers. As if God's plans need my defending.

These same reasons now sometimes float around in my head and they are tempting to believe in as it would give me something. SOMETHING. To answer the Question of Why. Here's a sample:

• I'm not motherly enough. I'm not going to be a good mother. That's why I can't have kids...
• I'm not good with kids, I won't be good with mine...
• I can't handle things I've already been given (like housework haha), so I don't have the 'capacity' (sorta hate that word) to be a mother, as that is a lot of work.
• I'm not a multi-tasker and mothers need to be able to do that...
• Something's going to happen to us. What would happen to the baby if we had one?

Depressing right?! I know, but they hit close to home, and I think sometimes I want to guess God's mind, and so I bring Him down to my level, and I conclude that, "That's it! Those must be the reasons."

At times I try to come up with holier reasons, like the work I do will be more impactful if somehow I don't have kids, as they are distracting blah blah. (As if it isn't distracting now...)

Thankfully God is larger than all my winces, whimpers and whines. I love that He is a God of exactly that- all my unending random thoughts and insecurities. All my ugly criticisms. GRRRR. All my desperate grasps for more answers...

Anyway, I wanted to share this because I just thought if some days you think like this too, you are not alone. Oh Lord help me to dwell on what is right and true!

(Used this photo before. But thought I'd use it again. Just so ugly that it makes me laugh!)

Website- Sarah's Laughter

Another blogger (While I'm Waiting) reminded me of this website I'd come across once before. Sarah's Laughter provides different resources to Hannah's Prayer Ministries, but also provides great resources and support to do with infertility, and miscarriage loss. Jen mentioned this thing they have called 'Double Daily Portions', which are like little devotionals that you have to subscribe to and get sent to you, so I've also started getting them emailed to me.

I've really enjoyed getting them and though they may be sometimes hard to read (so might need to read them in your break if you read them at work, or possibly risk a few unexpected tears!), they have given me great biblical reminders of God's promises to me.

I've found them encouraging and thought maybe you might too?

Article- Infertility: What It Feels Like

Beckie's Infertile recently posted this article, that another blogger also shared (Homemade Happenings). Thanks for sharing you guys! It is a great article called Infertility: What It Feels Like (from Beckie's). You'll find the original brochure here. Might be a great one to share with close family and friends too...

It is from the Ferre Institute and they have more resources/brochures too if you'd like- about both infertility and miscarriage... I like the one about 'Coping with the holidays'. Hope it is helpful for you too.

Ring Ring!

I'm allergic to phone calls. I know I need them but I don't like them! I'm not sure why, but I just prefer other ways of communication. (You can still ring me though!)

So it makes it so much worse that I've had to deal with the phone A LOT these past years because that's how the nurses pass me information etc.

How can so much of your future hang on one phone call? (I really want to say 'stupid phone call' but I'm holding back. ha.) Blood test results, scan results, prescriptions, pregnancy test results, etc. 'Crazy' does not even begin to describe how I feel on the inside when I'm waiting for a call.

The waiting and picking-up part is one thing, then you have to figure out what sensible thing you need to say or ask once they've delivered the news, which is usually not cool. Somehow all the questions you wrote down while you were preparing yourself for the call fly out the window because all your hope has suddenly dissipated too- in half a second. Or you ask them but they don't have the answers... so you have to wait for a second phone call...

Anyway. That doesn't always happen, but it does too often. Grrrrr.

My  result (yes, by phone) for this week is that I have not ovulated, and probably still will not on my own. Which pretty much means the drilling hasn't done anything. Sucks. Frustrated.

So now I'm just waiting to hear about what the next-best-thing is.

The husband was really sweet and got me a food magazine ('delicious'- aussie but I like it haha.) and a random little SPCA dog figurine (think it is for kids but love it still) to make me feel better, as he knew I was pretty bummed.

On another note, I did my second 10k run for the year and did it under an hour! Very stoked and thankful for my friend, k, who did it with me!

Speaking of friends, I'm so super fortunate!

I had a lovely coffee with a special friend during her lunch break, and I'm thankful for her as we are sharing some of this difficult journey together.

And I'm also always thankful for my wonderful 'protector' friend who warns me everytime there's a pregnancy announcement lurking around... phew. Where would I be without these girls?

I'm praying you have sensitive people around you too. (And handle phone calls better than me.)

Waiting for the Sun to Rise

Today I had my fourth blood test, which should tell me whether I'm ovulating on my own or not. I know that even though I'm not super hopeful (since it didn't work last time we drilled the ovaries), I will still be super disappointed to find out I'm not. I'm also not looking forward to having to make a decision with the husband about possibly starting a new cycle of treatment.

As much as a new cycle of treatment brings new hope, I only have three more rounds funded of this FSH-injection-treatment. I am thankful I have three, but I also feel like I'm slowly using up all the chances I have at getting pregnant, and I'm scared to have to strike another one out. The fear is so overpowering!

Yet I know we will try and we will come out of it somehow, like how we've survived the last couple years.

Since it has been winter, I've thought about how hope is like the warm spot in the house or on the couch where the sun shines in from the window. The snuggly sun-kissed spot where we want to sit and catch the soft rays instead of being in the chilly corner. (Cats seem to know about it particularly well.)

For me, the warm spot hits the dining area of the house in the morning where I like to sit and read the newspaper with a cup of coffee if I have a late start. (I love it!)

I long to bask in hope but sometimes it seems like it moves away quickly, especially in winter, on the cold and short days.

When hopes are dashed, and when I get bad news, I get that sudden stale, sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. For me I think that is what disappointment feels like physically. You know what I mean?

Yet, the sun will be there the next morning- unfailing, and the night will be over.

So I have to remember that and hang on to that truth:

The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
His mercies never cease.

Great is his faithfulness;
his mercies begin afresh each morning.
 
Lamentations 3:22-23 (New Living Translation)

Gratefulness and Grief

One of the things I've been learning through infertility is the 'duality' of things. For one, gratefulness and grief. They seem to be on opposite ends but they really are a combo.

(I love this and have been saving this photo for something. Since there are two flamingoes that make up a one gorgeous pair, I thought it'd be cool for this post!)

I've been thinking about this topic for a long time- things like these keep me awake at night! (Do you do that too?)

It has come up because I think sometimes we feel like we should not be 'down' or should only be for a short time. There are a few logical reasons for this.

One, I think we are nervous  about how we look- as it portrays that we are not grateful or thankful for what we have. It makes us look greedy, needy or dissatisfied. For example, I am married so I should find sufficient peace and happiness in my marriage and be grateful for that, instead of continually aching for children.

Totally. I'm all for 'counting my blessings', believe me! It makes sense. But honestly, at times, depending on the context, a response like that can be somewhat harsh.

Two, as Christians, there is that sense that we should be 'happy' because of what Christ has done for us, and though this is true, maybe being happy-all-the-time is unrealistic. We can be full of joy but we may not be happy about everything. I think there is a difference between joy and happiness. Happy being more of an emotional response, where as joy is maybe being positively assured and knowing you are okay deep at the core of you? Maybe? Hmmm... (Maybe I'll leave this for a Part 2 or something... )

Three, often grief involves questioning God himself, our concept of who God is and faith and sometimes we are nervous to do so. Fair enough.

I find grief a hard word to describe. My definition would be something like- engaging in and responding to the situation that has left a large impact, or something like that... There is also the famous five stages of grief that are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. This is a useful way to understand the way grief is expressed, as we go through it.

With infertility, because it is not a one-off situation and there is no closure for a while or at all, even the five stages of grief may be an insufficient way to express it, as instead, it is an ongoing process, and the 'stages' pop up here and there and we get better at dealing with them, but they come back throughout life. Complicated.

For me, in terms of infertility and miscarriage, it is easy to think that it is simply all about babies. Like if you plonked a baby on my lap, all will be solved. Sadly it is not that simple, I have discovered there are more layers to this.

I grieve:

• the loss of being able to ovulate as a woman usually does,
• the loss of being able to conceive all by ourselves,
• the loss of carrying a baby/being pregnant to term,
• the loss of giving birth to a baby,
• the loss of bringing up a child,
• the loss of having a child that looks like us.

Now, please please know that I am aware these things may change in the future (or could already be changing) and we do have hope that it will, and pray that it will, but as we live in the present, this is the reality for me now. These are the issues I'm having to engage in and process through. Does that make sense?

It is not necessarily that I'm sad or crying all the time, it is more that these issues are always close to my heart, I wrestle with them daily and I have an ongoing discussion about them- with God, others, myself.

At the same time, I am grateful for everything I have. Quite possibly, in light of what I don't have, it makes me treasure what I do have all the more.

I have an indescribably-awesome husband, supportive friends, caring family, shelter, food, great country to live in, a job that is meaningful, an income, shoes, bags, clothes, etc. God's made me to be someone unique, with my own particular quirks (lots), strengths and weaknesses. I've been slowly molded as I've been following Christ. I'm learning a lot from the decisions I've made, etc... I am thankful for many things and I can list a hundred more things I'm grateful for if you ask me to.

So how does this work?

I guess they are not mutually exclusive. Having the bacon doesn't mean you will automatically resist the chocolate cake. (Probably not a fool-proof illustration, but I thought I'd use it anyway, as food's always a good one haha...)

I am discovering I can be grieving and grateful at the same time. And I'm learning to not be afraid of engaging in the seemingly 'sad' or difficult things in life. (Of course there is a point to which we should dwell on this stuff... as being too introspective has its hazards too!)

I think this reflects the reality of being human. We know things can be better and we seek it out. Whether we believe in God or not, we all seem to have this sense of looking forward to something better- desiring things to be fixed, made good, improved etc.

I believe this is because we all have an understanding of perfection, and as we are imperfect beings in a broken world, we desire it. What I'm trying to say is that longing for things to be made good is a natural part of us and it will not go away, probably not until heaven.

Additionally, we are only able to truly understand the beautiful and lovely things in life, only when we can also grasp the difficult and the ugly, as they exist in relation to each other.

What do you think?

Hmmm... I'm trying very hard to keep my posts short-ish haha... so I will end here for now... I hope this made sense and connected with you too (and that you are keeping warm wherever you are)!

New Blog Design/Layout

Do you like the new look? Just thought to change it up a little. Love the colour of this template thingy, and since blogspot was doing all the work for me, I figured why not!

Stoked!

Today I noticed that I have five followers! Plus, there are probably friends who are following anonymously too.

Just stoked that someone out there is reading my blog. It is encouraging. Thank you!

Ten Things... at Ten A.M.

(9:45 is close enough I guess haha)

... I'm thanking God for:

1. Vouchers- we have received generous vouchers from friends. This has been so helpful for so many reasons- dinner out, new laundry hamper, etc. And I love shopping, so it makes shopping better when it costs less.

2. Recovery- I'm good! Waiting for some stitches to dissolve, but otherwise I feel well.

3. A phone call- Got a call this week from CYFs about an adoption information (compulsory) session being brought forward, by two months! Yes. In April they said it was going to be in October- can you believe it? But the other day they called to say there's an opening in August, so we can go to that. So stoked. (I think this is the first time I'm mentioning adoption in a post. This is because we're not fully decided on the timing for adoption yet, for various reasons... we're just starting the process cos' it takes sooo long. Could be a couple years.)

4. The husband- He's sleeping better than he was before, so his general health is improved.

5. Time together- The husband and I were able to hangout for a good part of last weekend. That's always a good thing!

6. Breaks-
BEWARE: TOO MUCH INFO
I have had this issue of continuous spotting since November. Probably due to PCOS, or the miscarriage, we're not sure, but doc thinks it is pretty harmless. I think I have had this constant slight bleeding for like four months out of the last six months- off and on. Not kidding. It has been so frustrating. However, this past week and a half, it has stopped. I am always thankful when it stops because it is such a hassle and such an annoying reminder of my crazy body. Maybe, just maybe it won't resume, unless for good reason, like a normal cycle. Anyway, still thankful for the break.

7. Friends and family- who are praying for us. There are so many people who have encouraged us and have been caring for us these past months with our various 'issues'. Through texts, emails, conversations, notes, gifts, meals, hugs, they have demonstrated Christ's love to us. Very grateful for their time and sensitivity.

8. Comfort living- My dad has a friend who has recently become homeless. Homeless. It is a sobering thought. I know it is not as straightforward as just that. There are so many things that are factors and things that I question. Overall, I'm thankful for a roof over my head and a warm bed.

9. Lollies- I love gummy-candies out of the Pick N Mix bins at the supermarket. I usually manage to walk past them pretty easily but this week I decided to get a bag. Sometimes a handful artificial flavours and gorgeous bright colouring can actually provide a bit of short-term bliss. Fake peach-ish sour snakes mmmmmm...

10. (Non-Gummy) Sustenance- God has carried me through another bunch of weeks- would've been way harder on my own.

Bumping into Bumps, Blood, I'm Blabbing, etc.

I know! A whole week has gone by. Yikes.

So last weekend, the husband brought me to a small farmer's market just out of Auckland. It was a lovely way to spend the Saturday! I had a lot of fun. He even got all prepared and had cash on hand for us to spend at the stalls. Very sweet of him. I'm looking forward to more trips there, even if it is just to wander around. We had a lot of yummy things to eat. Like this:

mmmmmm...

We kinda had to laugh though... one of the very first things that literally greeted us when we first arrived was we heard our names called out loudly from somewhere, and when we looked up it was my old friend who is heavily pregnant. (Hadn't seen her for aaaages but I knew they were pregnant. Surprise factor- low. Phew.) The 'laughing' part has nothing to do with her though really. Like it was so good catching up and seeing her and her hubby all.

But here we were, driving out of the city, trying so hard to get away for a while and not think about our 'issues', being confronted with a very big and friendly reminder of all the things I was avoiding that day. Just had to try and keep it light inside of me and not try to crumple too much and still engage in conversation about the upcoming birth of the baby, etc. Focus S, focus. On them. Not yourself. Oh Lord help me. HA. Yes, I know. I'm selfish and I'm weak, a fab combo. (Oh dear friend, if you ever read this please trust that my communication was sincere, it is just always so so conflicting inside of me!)

Anyway.  I had a fabulous long weekend. And Saturday was a great day, including everything in it. Life is just so funny sometimes. Funny haha and funny painful all together in one big blobby bundle.

And I'm back on the blood bandwagon people! Have already had two blood tests (one a week)... this is to track my freshly drilled ovary (just one was done) and see if it is doing anything on its own. I'm not afraid of blood tests but some days, my vein doesn't cooperate and they have to fish around for it after the poke!!! Fun times.

Dare I even hope to ovulate on my own? I don't know. Didn't work last time, so I don't know where to put my hopes this time. You know?

Oh who am I kidding... I'm hoping this works. I always do.

Do you?

As always, it is late, so many more things to say... Type more soon.

A Morning to Chill

(I took this photo myself!)

It is a gorgeous day today here in Auckland (i.e. not raining). I am trying to get some laundry done (I'm always trying to get some laundry done it seems!) and have hung some (yummy new) sheets outside, but I may still have to stick some laundry in the dryer eventually.

Okay, so laundry is a big obsession in my life (amongst other things) - where to hang it, cos' I don't have a proper line, and whether to use the dryer or not because will it rain, weather is so erratic around here, the machine keeps getting stuck, do we need a new one, etc, etc... haha, but I'll leave my laundry issues aside for now.

I'm not a huge fan of winter (who is?) and I dread pulling out my jeans when it gets here, cos' there is usually no turning back for the next six months, BUT I do love crispy cold mornings when the sun is out. Even though it is brrrrrrr cold, I love the smell of the early cold or freshness and how you can do a bit of outdoor activity without feeling all hot and bothered.

I have the luxury of starting late on Fridays, so today I went for my first walk-run attempt since before my surgery. BEHOLD! I am intact. I was afraid I might literally bust out at the seams (I even held my tummy down a couple times, as if that would help haha), cos' the incisions still have felt a achey here and there, but it is probably more because they are healing. Anyway, it was mostly a comfy walk and it felt good to do that. And good to know the gazillion-grand worth of stitches actually work.

Ahh... I think I'm just glad I made it to Friday. Somehow, I had a really tiring week. Not sure why. I'm also looking forward to the weekend because it is a long weekend for us (Queen's Birthday) and the husband doesn't have to work on Saturday, so we are hoping to have some fun, like a dinner out together, and he has a plan for us to do some kind of day-trip tomorrow! It is a surprise. Exciting!

I hope you have a good end-of-the-week too. Gonna go figure out what to do with the third load of washing as I'm out of hanging-space...

Dear Baby N: A letter to you...

Last week was the due date of our baby we miscarried last year. Here is a note I wrote to him (or her):

Dear Baby N,

This past week would've been the week you were due to be born.

It is hard for your dad and I to know how to remember you, as we have very few memories to hang on to.

What will remain special to us will be the fact that we saw you grow in my tummy from 7-weeks to 8-weeks, and from 8-weeks to 9-weeks. We saw this on the ultrasound each of those three weeks, and we saw your growth in size, as well as your strong and vivid hearbeat. We were so excited and so full of hope!

(I know it is not exactly related to what the psalmist is saying, but because it talks about the heart, this verse has been significant to me,

...He who forms the hearts of all,
who considers everything they do...
Psalm 33:15

as it reminds me that you were created by God and are precious to Him. )

What happened after that 9-week mark, we're not sure and probably won't know. I guess there was just something that wasn't going well that we didn't pick up and I know, as you were still so tiny, we could not have done anything about it anyway.

I'm sorry that the events that followed colour my memory of you- when I started to spot, and got worried, and what eventuated at the hospital. I wish I could rub those mostly-difficult memories out but I know the best thing is to engage with both ends of the spectrum, however they come.

When we found out we were having you, your dad and I went out for a special meal and also shared the news with some friends and family. You also travelled with me to Singapore and even though you were a delicate little baby bud from the start, we had fun.

Later on it was his turn to travel (to the States) and then he had to come back early when we found out you were no longer with us. It was so hard. It is impossible to describe the devastation we felt when we lost you at 12-weeks.

I'm sorry that sometimes I wonder if you were imaginary and that I had dreamt you up. However, I know you were real, so much so that even our doctor was confident that we would meet you here and around this time.

We were hoping to find out if you were a girl or a boy, but that didn't happen and it will remain a mystery. As will your personality and what you look like. These are things I will be longing to find out.

Regardless of what happened, your dad and I will continue to celebrate you and are thankful that we even got pregnant with you in the first place, as that was a miracle in itself and we praise God for that.

I'm not exactly sure what it will be like when I meet you one day, as I still don't know how to comprehend heaven, but we look forward to that time coming soon. (And I know there are friends and family who are looking forward to knowing you too.)

I miss you. I wish you were here.

with love,
your mom,
s

p.s. This figurine in the corner of the pic below was a gift given to us by sweet friends. We look at it often and it is a precious reminder of you.

Mixed May

I might try and sneak a couple of posts into before the end of the month- which means today! haha. I think of so many things to say and write here, but takes me time to spit it out. Very typical really, I'm like this even in conversation.

We're like in the middle of the year almost! Scary.

May has been a mixed month for us. Lots of wonderful things and also hard things.

Great things:

• 8th 'Dating' Anniversary for the husband and I- I got flowers on that day! woopwoop.
• Birthday celebrations (like six?) of special friends and family (I love buying presents!)- fun times
• Birth of a good friend's baby- a super cute little girl
• Meaningful chats with a lovely friend
• Had my surgery done and seems like all went well
• Pregnancy announcements from a few friends
• Mother's Day
• Going into winter- getting out my boots!
• Survived six months of waiting (in terms of 'not trying')

Hard things:

• Surgery bill- mostly covered by insurance, thankfully, but still a bit to cover on our end. hmmm...
• Pregnancy announcements from a few friends
• Mother's Day
• Going into winter... cold!
• Due date of our baby we lost in November

It has been interesting for me to think through some of these things that exist in both the wonderful and difficult categories. Life is curious like that. Thank you for walking it with me.

(Off to work!)