Photo Time

Putting up that last post's pic of the spiderweb got me thinking to post a few more pics on here. I've been fiddling with my little point and shoot camera and am quite proud of the photos I've managed to take! Here are some shots from my past couple weeks.

It is wintery and cold here... lovely time to read by the fire.

Speaking of fire, here's our firewood basking in the winter sun. We're trying to dry these ones out... probably more for next winter.

A couple posts ago, I moaned about not being able to bake a chocolate cake. I ended up managing to make making a chocolate mudcake that needed less eggs haha and also contained baileys and coffee. yum!

I love it with a cup of tea.

Last weekend, the husband took us away for a weekend! It was a lovely surprise to spend some time with him. We actually just ended up in a place just out of the city center, as he thought I'd like it for the food and shopping in the area. WOW. That was so sweet (especially when what husband likes to shop?)

I didn't get pics of our time away, but I did get a photo towards the end when we went to visit the park where he proposed to me SIX years ago! We used to walk up the hill a lot when we were dating and we also took a couple wedding photos there. It has a fab view of Auckland.

Mt Eden is a volcano, so you may be able to sort of see the crater shape in this pic... and it was a gorgeous Sunday afternoon too...

This photography stuff has been an accidental new hobby for me... didn't think I could take such lovely pics with my little Canon Powershot... but pretty stoked with these! Yay. (Feel free to share tips.)

Random last addition: I also love home decor stuff. Today I just put up some frames containing photos of my gorgeous nieces and nephews. So excited about them! Here's a pic of the corner of my living room.

Okay... probably enough for now. Hope you are having a good and restful Sunday.

8th Time

Hello! Having slight issues with my blogging career, can't seem to keep up with my intention to post regularly haha.

Anyway. We are trying again. How I got through the last seven months, I'm not sure. But here we are!

I did a count and this is our eighth time trying with assistance. If I do some quick math, and I like math, so please don't mind me, that's like an average of maybe 8 x 4 = 32 blood tests, and possibly like 8 x 2 = 16 ewwy scans. I mean at least that! Cos' often there's extra tests and things. Of course, it depends on your clinic and the amount of monitoring you get... random tangent I know, but that was just some interesting calculating for me. (And no, I never get used to the prick of the blood tests or the prod of the scans, but what to do!)

Needless to say, I'm scared. Terrified. I am finding this round a different kind of hard, probably because our loss in November was so shattering. I have hope but it is a disturbed kind of hope.

I'm trying to keep myself distracted and being busy does help. However, the two-week-wait will eventually come and I'm dreading that as that is the worst. (I'm thinking to maybe do something a bit different to get through it, like the Twelve Days of Christmas- so fourteen daily events? Or fourteen gifts for myself? Ideas?)

Overall I'm doing surprisingly well. (Thank you for praying for us if you have been.) Thank God for the husband who is doing the injecting for me. The last round was ten months ago and it took us a while to remember how it all works... I can't bring myself to do it- I know some of you do, big ups to you!

This morning, as I came home from my blood test (had to wake up early grrrr), I spotted this spider web outside our house...

Cool huh?

Things like this of God's creation help me to remember His greatness... which I forget very often.

Soothing the Crazywoman

What things make you cheer up a little?

Tuesday was the day I tried it all...

I had a couple bleak days at the beginning of this week. Hate how it makes me feel like I'm empty at the core. No wonder they call this infertility thing a monster, it rears its ugly head so unexpectedly... Everything makes you cry and everything makes you angry.

(Maybe that's how Venus F feels...)

Maybe it is the currently wonky hormones, maybe it was because I randomly decided to be smart and look up a information sheet on adoption where some random fact just made my hope levels plunge to the bottom, I'm not sure. I think I just get sick of it sometimes. Sick of waiting, sick of being patient, sick of planning my life around 'maybes'... so I just got sad.

So anyway, I went to the mall after my early work-shift. Yes, I love shopping. I love looking at clothes and just looking out for good buys. Ahhh... instant bliss.

Um, not long-lasting though.

The knot in my stomach did not totally go away. I even had a bit of sushi to see if that would ease my prickly emotions. I love sushi. But my appetite is insatiable.

I went home and went out for a walk. Walking is good cos' it makes you breathe. I took my MP3 player with me intending to listen to some music (ahhh music is good...) as I walked as it was a beautiful and cold wintry day with pure blue skies...

...but the battery was dead. Haha. I felt like Ebenezer Scrooge on Christmas Eve.

So I stomped my way around the block and back. It was good but by then I'd realised my thought patterns were just going round and round in circles, a variety pack of all the things I could be insecure about were swarming like bees in a hive.

I knew the best thing was to focus on God's word. I read through a bunch of Psalms and tried to concentrate on the words. (Why didn't I start with that, I don't know.)

I know I say it often but I love turning to the Psalms.

Lord thank you for soothing my sour pruneyness
Some days I feel so lost, but knowing you are at the end of the road is my ultimate comfort.

I also texted a friend in a similar place to me, and it was a relief to know I was not alone. Thank you God for her.

The last thing I should've done to cap the day off would've been to bake a bunch of chocolate-chip-laden cookies and down them with a big cup of tea. But I didn't have time... all my frustrations had fast-forwarded me to dinner time.

(That's probably how you age quicky- be bitter. UhOh. Makes you pruney inside AND out.)

I did have to have a cup of tea with a close friend after dinner though. And that was also a fine way to spend the evening.

But life is weird. I feel like I never know what tomorrow brings.

I feel more 'normal' now. Or close at least. Thankyouverymuch.

(Maybe I should've had nutella on white bread for dessert... )

Saturday Afternoon

This afternoon I was planning to make a scrumptious chocolate cake but I forgot to get eggs when I was at the supermarket (don't you hate that) and I'm only one short but I can't be bothered going back, and I want to follow the recipe to the T cos' it is a new one, so I might make something else instead...

But it is a lovely day outside, which all of Auckland is thankful for cos' it has been pretty mad stormy for a while... so it is cold since there is little cloud, but oh so gorgeous.

The husband and I recently discovered that our little lemon tree is really going for it this year. Without much effort on our part, as we have been terrible at keeping the garden decent- I have no clue about these things.

Yet, there are tons of lemons on it! So fun! We've never seen this many before. Bummed about my lack of eggs (haha. in more ways than one huh ladies...) I decided to go take a few pics of our ballooning lemon tree.

Oh ya they look like oranges but they really are lemons...

Cool huh?

(Our yard is in a terrible state, but I think I have managed to hide that fact well in these pics. )

I'm refraining from making any jokes about life literarally handing me lemons, etc. But it is hard to not laugh about that, as it totally matches the season of life the husband and I have been in haha.

Anyway.  I'm going to go have a big think about what to make as it is hard to redirect expectations, especially high ones about having chocolate cake with frosting. (Actually that sounds a lot like something else doesn't it? haha.) Sigh.

Hope you are having a great weekend!

Guessing Games

Sometimes I wonder what people think of me. Um... hold on. Sometimes? Maybe more like very often. Being 'not good enough' is a big fear of mine. (I have a lot of thoughts on that topic of 'significance'... but we'll leave it for another day haha.) With infertility stuff, this takes a slightly different form.

More specifically what I'm thinking about today is that I think about reasons others may think of about why I don't have children yet. Do you do this too?

I think I do it because if I'm honest, I am sure I did this to others when I was younger and less experienced with life. I wondered why they didn't have kids and sort of guessed answers for them. It is that whole thing of wanting answers, almost any answers. As if God's plans need my defending.

These same reasons now sometimes float around in my head and they are tempting to believe in as it would give me something. SOMETHING. To answer the Question of Why. Here's a sample:

• I'm not motherly enough. I'm not going to be a good mother. That's why I can't have kids...
• I'm not good with kids, I won't be good with mine...
• I can't handle things I've already been given (like housework haha), so I don't have the 'capacity' (sorta hate that word) to be a mother, as that is a lot of work.
• I'm not a multi-tasker and mothers need to be able to do that...
• Something's going to happen to us. What would happen to the baby if we had one?

Depressing right?! I know, but they hit close to home, and I think sometimes I want to guess God's mind, and so I bring Him down to my level, and I conclude that, "That's it! Those must be the reasons."

At times I try to come up with holier reasons, like the work I do will be more impactful if somehow I don't have kids, as they are distracting blah blah. (As if it isn't distracting now...)

Thankfully God is larger than all my winces, whimpers and whines. I love that He is a God of exactly that- all my unending random thoughts and insecurities. All my ugly criticisms. GRRRR. All my desperate grasps for more answers...

Anyway, I wanted to share this because I just thought if some days you think like this too, you are not alone. Oh Lord help me to dwell on what is right and true!

(Used this photo before. But thought I'd use it again. Just so ugly that it makes me laugh!)

Website- Sarah's Laughter

Another blogger (While I'm Waiting) reminded me of this website I'd come across once before. Sarah's Laughter provides different resources to Hannah's Prayer Ministries, but also provides great resources and support to do with infertility, and miscarriage loss. Jen mentioned this thing they have called 'Double Daily Portions', which are like little devotionals that you have to subscribe to and get sent to you, so I've also started getting them emailed to me.

I've really enjoyed getting them and though they may be sometimes hard to read (so might need to read them in your break if you read them at work, or possibly risk a few unexpected tears!), they have given me great biblical reminders of God's promises to me.

I've found them encouraging and thought maybe you might too?

Article- Infertility: What It Feels Like

Beckie's Infertile recently posted this article, that another blogger also shared (Homemade Happenings). Thanks for sharing you guys! It is a great article called Infertility: What It Feels Like (from Beckie's). You'll find the original brochure here. Might be a great one to share with close family and friends too...

It is from the Ferre Institute and they have more resources/brochures too if you'd like- about both infertility and miscarriage... I like the one about 'Coping with the holidays'. Hope it is helpful for you too.

Ring Ring!

I'm allergic to phone calls. I know I need them but I don't like them! I'm not sure why, but I just prefer other ways of communication. (You can still ring me though!)

So it makes it so much worse that I've had to deal with the phone A LOT these past years because that's how the nurses pass me information etc.

How can so much of your future hang on one phone call? (I really want to say 'stupid phone call' but I'm holding back. ha.) Blood test results, scan results, prescriptions, pregnancy test results, etc. 'Crazy' does not even begin to describe how I feel on the inside when I'm waiting for a call.

The waiting and picking-up part is one thing, then you have to figure out what sensible thing you need to say or ask once they've delivered the news, which is usually not cool. Somehow all the questions you wrote down while you were preparing yourself for the call fly out the window because all your hope has suddenly dissipated too- in half a second. Or you ask them but they don't have the answers... so you have to wait for a second phone call...

Anyway. That doesn't always happen, but it does too often. Grrrrr.

My  result (yes, by phone) for this week is that I have not ovulated, and probably still will not on my own. Which pretty much means the drilling hasn't done anything. Sucks. Frustrated.

So now I'm just waiting to hear about what the next-best-thing is.

The husband was really sweet and got me a food magazine ('delicious'- aussie but I like it haha.) and a random little SPCA dog figurine (think it is for kids but love it still) to make me feel better, as he knew I was pretty bummed.

On another note, I did my second 10k run for the year and did it under an hour! Very stoked and thankful for my friend, k, who did it with me!

Speaking of friends, I'm so super fortunate!

I had a lovely coffee with a special friend during her lunch break, and I'm thankful for her as we are sharing some of this difficult journey together.

And I'm also always thankful for my wonderful 'protector' friend who warns me everytime there's a pregnancy announcement lurking around... phew. Where would I be without these girls?

I'm praying you have sensitive people around you too. (And handle phone calls better than me.)

Waiting for the Sun to Rise

Today I had my fourth blood test, which should tell me whether I'm ovulating on my own or not. I know that even though I'm not super hopeful (since it didn't work last time we drilled the ovaries), I will still be super disappointed to find out I'm not. I'm also not looking forward to having to make a decision with the husband about possibly starting a new cycle of treatment.

As much as a new cycle of treatment brings new hope, I only have three more rounds funded of this FSH-injection-treatment. I am thankful I have three, but I also feel like I'm slowly using up all the chances I have at getting pregnant, and I'm scared to have to strike another one out. The fear is so overpowering!

Yet I know we will try and we will come out of it somehow, like how we've survived the last couple years.

Since it has been winter, I've thought about how hope is like the warm spot in the house or on the couch where the sun shines in from the window. The snuggly sun-kissed spot where we want to sit and catch the soft rays instead of being in the chilly corner. (Cats seem to know about it particularly well.)

For me, the warm spot hits the dining area of the house in the morning where I like to sit and read the newspaper with a cup of coffee if I have a late start. (I love it!)

I long to bask in hope but sometimes it seems like it moves away quickly, especially in winter, on the cold and short days.

When hopes are dashed, and when I get bad news, I get that sudden stale, sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. For me I think that is what disappointment feels like physically. You know what I mean?

Yet, the sun will be there the next morning- unfailing, and the night will be over.

So I have to remember that and hang on to that truth:

The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
His mercies never cease.

Great is his faithfulness;
his mercies begin afresh each morning.
 
Lamentations 3:22-23 (New Living Translation)

Gratefulness and Grief

One of the things I've been learning through infertility is the 'duality' of things. For one, gratefulness and grief. They seem to be on opposite ends but they really are a combo.

(I love this and have been saving this photo for something. Since there are two flamingoes that make up a one gorgeous pair, I thought it'd be cool for this post!)

I've been thinking about this topic for a long time- things like these keep me awake at night! (Do you do that too?)

It has come up because I think sometimes we feel like we should not be 'down' or should only be for a short time. There are a few logical reasons for this.

One, I think we are nervous  about how we look- as it portrays that we are not grateful or thankful for what we have. It makes us look greedy, needy or dissatisfied. For example, I am married so I should find sufficient peace and happiness in my marriage and be grateful for that, instead of continually aching for children.

Totally. I'm all for 'counting my blessings', believe me! It makes sense. But honestly, at times, depending on the context, a response like that can be somewhat harsh.

Two, as Christians, there is that sense that we should be 'happy' because of what Christ has done for us, and though this is true, maybe being happy-all-the-time is unrealistic. We can be full of joy but we may not be happy about everything. I think there is a difference between joy and happiness. Happy being more of an emotional response, where as joy is maybe being positively assured and knowing you are okay deep at the core of you? Maybe? Hmmm... (Maybe I'll leave this for a Part 2 or something... )

Three, often grief involves questioning God himself, our concept of who God is and faith and sometimes we are nervous to do so. Fair enough.

I find grief a hard word to describe. My definition would be something like- engaging in and responding to the situation that has left a large impact, or something like that... There is also the famous five stages of grief that are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. This is a useful way to understand the way grief is expressed, as we go through it.

With infertility, because it is not a one-off situation and there is no closure for a while or at all, even the five stages of grief may be an insufficient way to express it, as instead, it is an ongoing process, and the 'stages' pop up here and there and we get better at dealing with them, but they come back throughout life. Complicated.

For me, in terms of infertility and miscarriage, it is easy to think that it is simply all about babies. Like if you plonked a baby on my lap, all will be solved. Sadly it is not that simple, I have discovered there are more layers to this.

I grieve:

• the loss of being able to ovulate as a woman usually does,
• the loss of being able to conceive all by ourselves,
• the loss of carrying a baby/being pregnant to term,
• the loss of giving birth to a baby,
• the loss of bringing up a child,
• the loss of having a child that looks like us.

Now, please please know that I am aware these things may change in the future (or could already be changing) and we do have hope that it will, and pray that it will, but as we live in the present, this is the reality for me now. These are the issues I'm having to engage in and process through. Does that make sense?

It is not necessarily that I'm sad or crying all the time, it is more that these issues are always close to my heart, I wrestle with them daily and I have an ongoing discussion about them- with God, others, myself.

At the same time, I am grateful for everything I have. Quite possibly, in light of what I don't have, it makes me treasure what I do have all the more.

I have an indescribably-awesome husband, supportive friends, caring family, shelter, food, great country to live in, a job that is meaningful, an income, shoes, bags, clothes, etc. God's made me to be someone unique, with my own particular quirks (lots), strengths and weaknesses. I've been slowly molded as I've been following Christ. I'm learning a lot from the decisions I've made, etc... I am thankful for many things and I can list a hundred more things I'm grateful for if you ask me to.

So how does this work?

I guess they are not mutually exclusive. Having the bacon doesn't mean you will automatically resist the chocolate cake. (Probably not a fool-proof illustration, but I thought I'd use it anyway, as food's always a good one haha...)

I am discovering I can be grieving and grateful at the same time. And I'm learning to not be afraid of engaging in the seemingly 'sad' or difficult things in life. (Of course there is a point to which we should dwell on this stuff... as being too introspective has its hazards too!)

I think this reflects the reality of being human. We know things can be better and we seek it out. Whether we believe in God or not, we all seem to have this sense of looking forward to something better- desiring things to be fixed, made good, improved etc.

I believe this is because we all have an understanding of perfection, and as we are imperfect beings in a broken world, we desire it. What I'm trying to say is that longing for things to be made good is a natural part of us and it will not go away, probably not until heaven.

Additionally, we are only able to truly understand the beautiful and lovely things in life, only when we can also grasp the difficult and the ugly, as they exist in relation to each other.

What do you think?

Hmmm... I'm trying very hard to keep my posts short-ish haha... so I will end here for now... I hope this made sense and connected with you too (and that you are keeping warm wherever you are)!

New Blog Design/Layout

Do you like the new look? Just thought to change it up a little. Love the colour of this template thingy, and since blogspot was doing all the work for me, I figured why not!

Stoked!

Today I noticed that I have five followers! Plus, there are probably friends who are following anonymously too.

Just stoked that someone out there is reading my blog. It is encouraging. Thank you!

Ten Things... at Ten A.M.

(9:45 is close enough I guess haha)

... I'm thanking God for:

1. Vouchers- we have received generous vouchers from friends. This has been so helpful for so many reasons- dinner out, new laundry hamper, etc. And I love shopping, so it makes shopping better when it costs less.

2. Recovery- I'm good! Waiting for some stitches to dissolve, but otherwise I feel well.

3. A phone call- Got a call this week from CYFs about an adoption information (compulsory) session being brought forward, by two months! Yes. In April they said it was going to be in October- can you believe it? But the other day they called to say there's an opening in August, so we can go to that. So stoked. (I think this is the first time I'm mentioning adoption in a post. This is because we're not fully decided on the timing for adoption yet, for various reasons... we're just starting the process cos' it takes sooo long. Could be a couple years.)

4. The husband- He's sleeping better than he was before, so his general health is improved.

5. Time together- The husband and I were able to hangout for a good part of last weekend. That's always a good thing!

6. Breaks-
BEWARE: TOO MUCH INFO
I have had this issue of continuous spotting since November. Probably due to PCOS, or the miscarriage, we're not sure, but doc thinks it is pretty harmless. I think I have had this constant slight bleeding for like four months out of the last six months- off and on. Not kidding. It has been so frustrating. However, this past week and a half, it has stopped. I am always thankful when it stops because it is such a hassle and such an annoying reminder of my crazy body. Maybe, just maybe it won't resume, unless for good reason, like a normal cycle. Anyway, still thankful for the break.

7. Friends and family- who are praying for us. There are so many people who have encouraged us and have been caring for us these past months with our various 'issues'. Through texts, emails, conversations, notes, gifts, meals, hugs, they have demonstrated Christ's love to us. Very grateful for their time and sensitivity.

8. Comfort living- My dad has a friend who has recently become homeless. Homeless. It is a sobering thought. I know it is not as straightforward as just that. There are so many things that are factors and things that I question. Overall, I'm thankful for a roof over my head and a warm bed.

9. Lollies- I love gummy-candies out of the Pick N Mix bins at the supermarket. I usually manage to walk past them pretty easily but this week I decided to get a bag. Sometimes a handful artificial flavours and gorgeous bright colouring can actually provide a bit of short-term bliss. Fake peach-ish sour snakes mmmmmm...

10. (Non-Gummy) Sustenance- God has carried me through another bunch of weeks- would've been way harder on my own.

Bumping into Bumps, Blood, I'm Blabbing, etc.

I know! A whole week has gone by. Yikes.

So last weekend, the husband brought me to a small farmer's market just out of Auckland. It was a lovely way to spend the Saturday! I had a lot of fun. He even got all prepared and had cash on hand for us to spend at the stalls. Very sweet of him. I'm looking forward to more trips there, even if it is just to wander around. We had a lot of yummy things to eat. Like this:

mmmmmm...

We kinda had to laugh though... one of the very first things that literally greeted us when we first arrived was we heard our names called out loudly from somewhere, and when we looked up it was my old friend who is heavily pregnant. (Hadn't seen her for aaaages but I knew they were pregnant. Surprise factor- low. Phew.) The 'laughing' part has nothing to do with her though really. Like it was so good catching up and seeing her and her hubby all.

But here we were, driving out of the city, trying so hard to get away for a while and not think about our 'issues', being confronted with a very big and friendly reminder of all the things I was avoiding that day. Just had to try and keep it light inside of me and not try to crumple too much and still engage in conversation about the upcoming birth of the baby, etc. Focus S, focus. On them. Not yourself. Oh Lord help me. HA. Yes, I know. I'm selfish and I'm weak, a fab combo. (Oh dear friend, if you ever read this please trust that my communication was sincere, it is just always so so conflicting inside of me!)

Anyway.  I had a fabulous long weekend. And Saturday was a great day, including everything in it. Life is just so funny sometimes. Funny haha and funny painful all together in one big blobby bundle.

And I'm back on the blood bandwagon people! Have already had two blood tests (one a week)... this is to track my freshly drilled ovary (just one was done) and see if it is doing anything on its own. I'm not afraid of blood tests but some days, my vein doesn't cooperate and they have to fish around for it after the poke!!! Fun times.

Dare I even hope to ovulate on my own? I don't know. Didn't work last time, so I don't know where to put my hopes this time. You know?

Oh who am I kidding... I'm hoping this works. I always do.

Do you?

As always, it is late, so many more things to say... Type more soon.

A Morning to Chill

(I took this photo myself!)

It is a gorgeous day today here in Auckland (i.e. not raining). I am trying to get some laundry done (I'm always trying to get some laundry done it seems!) and have hung some (yummy new) sheets outside, but I may still have to stick some laundry in the dryer eventually.

Okay, so laundry is a big obsession in my life (amongst other things) - where to hang it, cos' I don't have a proper line, and whether to use the dryer or not because will it rain, weather is so erratic around here, the machine keeps getting stuck, do we need a new one, etc, etc... haha, but I'll leave my laundry issues aside for now.

I'm not a huge fan of winter (who is?) and I dread pulling out my jeans when it gets here, cos' there is usually no turning back for the next six months, BUT I do love crispy cold mornings when the sun is out. Even though it is brrrrrrr cold, I love the smell of the early cold or freshness and how you can do a bit of outdoor activity without feeling all hot and bothered.

I have the luxury of starting late on Fridays, so today I went for my first walk-run attempt since before my surgery. BEHOLD! I am intact. I was afraid I might literally bust out at the seams (I even held my tummy down a couple times, as if that would help haha), cos' the incisions still have felt a achey here and there, but it is probably more because they are healing. Anyway, it was mostly a comfy walk and it felt good to do that. And good to know the gazillion-grand worth of stitches actually work.

Ahh... I think I'm just glad I made it to Friday. Somehow, I had a really tiring week. Not sure why. I'm also looking forward to the weekend because it is a long weekend for us (Queen's Birthday) and the husband doesn't have to work on Saturday, so we are hoping to have some fun, like a dinner out together, and he has a plan for us to do some kind of day-trip tomorrow! It is a surprise. Exciting!

I hope you have a good end-of-the-week too. Gonna go figure out what to do with the third load of washing as I'm out of hanging-space...

Dear Baby N: A letter to you...

Last week was the due date of our baby we miscarried last year. Here is a note I wrote to him (or her):

Dear Baby N,

This past week would've been the week you were due to be born.

It is hard for your dad and I to know how to remember you, as we have very few memories to hang on to.

What will remain special to us will be the fact that we saw you grow in my tummy from 7-weeks to 8-weeks, and from 8-weeks to 9-weeks. We saw this on the ultrasound each of those three weeks, and we saw your growth in size, as well as your strong and vivid hearbeat. We were so excited and so full of hope!

(I know it is not exactly related to what the psalmist is saying, but because it talks about the heart, this verse has been significant to me,

...He who forms the hearts of all,
who considers everything they do...
Psalm 33:15

as it reminds me that you were created by God and are precious to Him. )

What happened after that 9-week mark, we're not sure and probably won't know. I guess there was just something that wasn't going well that we didn't pick up and I know, as you were still so tiny, we could not have done anything about it anyway.

I'm sorry that the events that followed colour my memory of you- when I started to spot, and got worried, and what eventuated at the hospital. I wish I could rub those mostly-difficult memories out but I know the best thing is to engage with both ends of the spectrum, however they come.

When we found out we were having you, your dad and I went out for a special meal and also shared the news with some friends and family. You also travelled with me to Singapore and even though you were a delicate little baby bud from the start, we had fun.

Later on it was his turn to travel (to the States) and then he had to come back early when we found out you were no longer with us. It was so hard. It is impossible to describe the devastation we felt when we lost you at 12-weeks.

I'm sorry that sometimes I wonder if you were imaginary and that I had dreamt you up. However, I know you were real, so much so that even our doctor was confident that we would meet you here and around this time.

We were hoping to find out if you were a girl or a boy, but that didn't happen and it will remain a mystery. As will your personality and what you look like. These are things I will be longing to find out.

Regardless of what happened, your dad and I will continue to celebrate you and are thankful that we even got pregnant with you in the first place, as that was a miracle in itself and we praise God for that.

I'm not exactly sure what it will be like when I meet you one day, as I still don't know how to comprehend heaven, but we look forward to that time coming soon. (And I know there are friends and family who are looking forward to knowing you too.)

I miss you. I wish you were here.

with love,
your mom,
s

p.s. This figurine in the corner of the pic below was a gift given to us by sweet friends. We look at it often and it is a precious reminder of you.

Mixed May

I might try and sneak a couple of posts into before the end of the month- which means today! haha. I think of so many things to say and write here, but takes me time to spit it out. Very typical really, I'm like this even in conversation.

We're like in the middle of the year almost! Scary.

May has been a mixed month for us. Lots of wonderful things and also hard things.

Great things:

• 8th 'Dating' Anniversary for the husband and I- I got flowers on that day! woopwoop.
• Birthday celebrations (like six?) of special friends and family (I love buying presents!)- fun times
• Birth of a good friend's baby- a super cute little girl
• Meaningful chats with a lovely friend
• Had my surgery done and seems like all went well
• Pregnancy announcements from a few friends
• Mother's Day
• Going into winter- getting out my boots!
• Survived six months of waiting (in terms of 'not trying')

Hard things:

• Surgery bill- mostly covered by insurance, thankfully, but still a bit to cover on our end. hmmm...
• Pregnancy announcements from a few friends
• Mother's Day
• Going into winter... cold!
• Due date of our baby we lost in November

It has been interesting for me to think through some of these things that exist in both the wonderful and difficult categories. Life is curious like that. Thank you for walking it with me.

(Off to work!)

Quick Update and Misc Things

My doc had a look at my surgery 'wounds' and they all look like they are healing up fine so YAY! Thank you for all the prayers and hugs. I've been back at work this week and I'm still taking it a bit easy in terms of activity but I'm doing well. Haven't had any dramas. Phew.

I've recently updated my 'bookshelf' and 'resources' page. Still a bit unsure about the 'resources' page cos' there are so many ways to do it and endless things I'm sure I could add to it... but that's that for now. Let me know if you have any suggestions.

I know we're probably all a bit over Mother's Day, but here's an article, If You Don't Have Anything Nice To Say... for anyone who's interested. Infertility-types have enjoyed this recent article by Nia Vardalos, from 'My Big Fat Greek Wedding' fame.

I hope you are having a good week.

Whozzat?

When things get taken away from you, they strip you of your identity.

The whole idea of identity is a massive and fascinating topic and I'm probably only scratching a few layers of it, but I've been thinking about it... and I've had time to! I've been a shut-in for five days. (And for good reason. I'm not planning to be a hero- though I very much want to be. I hope to heal up well and fully, or close to it, so I have been resting. This is so that I can resume a bit of 'normality'- whatever that is- in our daily lives.)

In the last couple of years, I have been through four hospital admissions. This has also meant that I am becoming the Queen of Recovery- staying at home for a bunch of days, resting a lot, moving around but not too much, etc. I have also been very blessed to have people around me who have cared and helped to provide for our needs.

But being made to stay at home and not do much (as much as that sounds lovely at times) does something to you. I'm sure that seems a bit obvious- for one, cabin fever. And it is just not as glam - the Queen wears a coat of old duvet instead of red velvet and scruffy slippers instead of gem-encrusted shoes. She's usually home alone so there aren't any minions to boss around or posh tea parties or anything, though yes, there is cake and there is eating.

What I mean is, it makes me feel like I am not a contributing member of society, it makes me feel like I'm missing out, PLUS it makes me realise that the world goes on spinning with or without me. In short, it makes me reflect on who I am and what that means.

I can understand why we find so much 'pleasure' in being busy whether it is getting things done or spending time with others. As much as these may be positive things that do help the world function better, I realise they also give us a sense of being satisfied with who we are, a security in knowing we are needed and that we have a role to play.

For me, I feel like who I think I am is constantly being tweaked and questioned. Let me try and explain. Here are some of the things I pride myself on being... and some of the who-am-I questions it leaves me with:

• I put a lot of effort into being a good wife to the husband. I love the husband. But in recent months, things have been out of our control. There are aspects of his health and well-being that I cannot 'make better'.

Even if I wasn't a wife or a good wife, who would I be?

• I aim to be healthy and fit- and let's be honest, want to look good. Running and swimming are some of my 'things' that I try to do. But with having many procedures and treatments, these are also things that I constantly have to give up and re-arrange.

 If I wasn't even able to be healthy, or can't take care of how I look, who would I be?

• I thought that desiring to be a mother was a God-given thing and I don't think I have impure motives to be one. Now that I have been struggling to have a baby, that role of motherhood feels out of my reach.

 If I'm never a mother, who would I be and how will I still be okay?

• I have wanted to be in a job that is meaningful. And both in my previous and current job, I am doing something that is precious to me. However, just when I find my feet with one task or project, things seem to change due to life's ups and downs or I'm not always able to figure out how best to use my strengths and abilities, etc.

If don't excel in my job, can't prove to others that I am a capable woman, who am I?

• I want to be a good friend to my friends, but there are some relationships that I have not been able to pursue due to events in life and a drop in capacity (and I'm not even a high-capacity person in the first place). Or I've not been able to solve their problems as well as I'd like to. 

If friendships get strained or taken away from me, or if I can't be there for them all, who am I?

Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to get us all depressed nor am I asking for sympathy. I'm still going to pursue these things (above) to the best of my abilities. Surprisingly, yes, I do actually love my life. I list them just to illustrate how I think I hold on to roles that I feel give me significance, when maybe even these seemingly 'good' things are still only peripheral to who/what God wants us to be and He is constantly peeling me back to help me discover what's at the core. Or it is the manner in which I am stubbornly using them to make me feel good, that He is trying to pry my fingers from- maybe? I don't really know.

I think maybe what I'm trying to process is: God is showing me (will be showing me throughout my lifetime) how I've anchored my identity in so many aspects of life- many of which are not bad. But even some of these things may not always be, and His following question/s is, "Who will you be without these? What will you do then?"...

Truth is, I know the answer. It just isn't the easiest one to do- I'm still learning how. Yet it is the best and the only way.

So I died to the law—I stopped trying to meet all its requirements—so that I might live for God. My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.
Galations 2:19-20 (NLT)

No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:39 (NLT)

Home

Five incisions later... (wow. didn't know it would be more than three...) I'm alive and well! Thank you for all the prayers and encouragement.

stop.start.stop.start

It feels like life is constantly being 'disrupted' by something else. Like a tracking dog, you think you're on a great scent trail, then you're interrupted by some other whiff, and you're being sent off on another one.

I'm not great with surprises so this has definitely been an area of growth- though I don't know if I'm getting any better at this.

When you set aside 5-6 weeks mentally/emotionally (and maybe socially) to do a fertility cycle of treatment, the illustration of being on the rollercoaster is never clearer. The drugs work. The drugs don't work. Maybe now? Yes. Blood test. No. Maybe now? No. Blood test. Maybe. Increase dosage? Yes. Wait. Working? Maybe. Blood test says yes. Any follicles? Yes. Big enough? No. Blood test. Not yet. Scan. Maybe... now? What about... now? Scan. Did ovulate? Blood test. Yes. Pregnant? Maybe we're good. Should be but wait. Wait. One week. I feel this way. No I feel that way. Maybe now? Two weeks. Blood test.  Oh no. Hmmm. Gutted.

Start Again.

Lord! Remind me who you are.

Like some kind of crazy marathon version of Snakes 'N' Ladders!

The other day I had another confusing taste of this bizarre world of unexpected things. I was scheduled for a minor surgery. We had both cleared our schedules and friends at work were so kindly covering for us. We had alerted close friends and family just to let them know.

I got my pre-op prepping. Got into the gown. Did not have anything to eat or drink for over 12 hours (quite a feat). Cleared the system. Had the scary disposable undies on hand to change into at the last minute, plus gorgeous blue hairnet.

But then they were running late... and the surgeon came in (I thought this was my briefing with her but... ) to tell me apologetically that she had to postpone my surgery! There were other uncontrollable and major reasons for it that made a lot of sense. I get it. But... hold on. What??

There's nothing I can do. I got back into my own clothes and we walked out of the hospital!

(In the meantime the husband got a parking ticket for staying in his space too long- he waited with me and had forgotten about the time limit! Oh no.)

It was a confusing day. All the prayers that my wonderful friends and family have said for me are possibly on pause or maybe God has recorded them on His MySky to be replayed in a few days time.

(I know it is not my fault but I feel kind of embarassed! Thankfully we have been able to reschedule it and it will happen in the next few days.)

I realise over and over how 'control' is so important to me- subconsciously. I want to have a say in what happens- though I'm not always aware of it. They say it is your decision how you want to live your life and how you want to deal with things. I understand and I agree- I'm working on it, I promise. However, sometimes, however much you decide to be adaptable or flexible or respond well, the rug still gets pulled under you. And it hurts. I'm not sure if I am getting any used to it or am any better at falling!

The day after the day after Mother's Day

Two days ago it was Mother's Day and I thought about not writing about it, but here I am, writing a sort of delayed response!

These last two years, I decided to not attend the church service on Mother's Day. Please know that I am not anti-mothers, I know a few and I like them. I understand why it is important to encourage and appreciate motherhood. However, because of all it represents, it hits home pretty hard. Emotionally, I still don't think I can do it without flooding the room with tears and I want the moms there to have a good time, instead of having to be distracted. I'm over trying to be 'brave' so I'd just rather not go.

I had a great time eating and celebrating with my mother. She had decided she wanted to have an afternoon tea at her house and invite her friends, many of whom are not mothers themselves. I'm not sure why she decided to do this but in some ways it was nice to still be having a little 'party' so I could show her my appreciation, but not necessarily be focused on 'mothers'. I am thankful for my mom. I know she finds it very hard to know how to deal with (or talk about) my infertility and losses, but she is trying her best (some conversations are better than other) to be sensitive and encouraging- which I appreciate so much. She writes great cards and reminds me of God's promises.

In short, I 'survived' Mother's Day. I sneaked past unharmed. Did you?

But what about today? Today we got a pregnancy announcement. YES. They're having a baby. YES I should've known that.

 I was pretty naive to think that more of these weren't coming. Here I am again, happy-sad-guilty. Happy for them, sad for me/us, and so guilty that I'm happy-sad. (What kind of friend am I??)

It cracks me up (I mean laughter not tears- I'm sure it is confusing haha), but also sort of not, at how I was so focused on dealing with Mother's Day, and forgot that everyday is really a kind of Mother's Day while I'm in this infertility road. And not just for me and infertility, but others who struggle for different reasons too... such as loss of a parent. Life is just not quite the same anymore. 'Normal' things carry so much more weight and meaning. Perspective huh.

Sometimes I do wonder what it would be like if I could hit 'rewind'... I know I can't and probably won't- even if I had the choice. But just a frequent thought.

MRI Result

This week I got the call following up on my MRI. It turns out that I have to have another procedure done. Sucks! Totally was hoping that what they saw was somehow wrong. Not the greatest news.

Thankfully I can have it covered by insurance and there is a slot to do it soon. This is good. Thankfully also, I can do it at a private hospital, which is a lot nicer.

As much as I was prepared to deal with whatever comes next, and as much as I'm used to 'negative' news, and even though it is a fairly common and straightforward procedure, I'm not used to it. (How come?) I think I still had a bit of a shock and that could be why the last few days I've just been in a bit of a blur.

Between the husband and I, at the moment, we are a barrel full of issues. I think we are feeling a little bit stuck.

I know God is much greater than my wimpy self, but this is hard.

No. More. Hospitals.

Mother's Day is Coming- Useful links

I'm always keen to celebrate it for my mom and what she means to me, but for now I'm still a bit confused about how to approach it myself.

Here is a short post I found about it, from someone who's dealing or dealt with infertility stuff. I thought it was interesting:
Eve's Daughters

If you, like me, are a bit confused about how to approach this day, the author, Holley Gerth also wrote another post a year ago on her own blogsite, When Mother's Day is Difficult. There is an article attached to it, which is I really like and is pretty useful. If you are a friend who wants to care for someone kind of like me, you can have a read too:
When Mother's Day is Difficult- PDF article.

My Three Categories of Crying

I cry a lot. Do you?

I'm not sure if it is the infertility road itself, or if it is just that I have become more aware or open about my issues, but I'm less afraid of it. To me it is not a necessarily negative thing (unless I'm using it to be manipulative), it is simply a way of expressing emotion and there is a reason why we were made to be able to cry.

Whatever it is, the human body can produce a lot of tears and I've become pretty shameless about weeping wherever and whenever. The husband has slowly gotten used to it, and is great at being there for me and waiting while I just let it all out, even when he desperately wants to go to bed. He should get a medal.

I have learnt to prepare myself by stuffing tissues (Kleenex Aloe Vera is best from my research) in my handbag before I leave the house most days, having a pack of tissues in our car and the husband's vehicle too. If I have run out, I will resort to serviettes, toilet paper and the back of my hand. (Does cause a bit of a mess if I leave tissues in my pocket and forget about them before doing the laundry. So annoying! Oh well.)

I know we all cry differently for different reasons, but I just thought about the 'categories' for myself...

Here are my types of crying:

1.  Deep agony.

Time/Place: Home. Late in the night.
Amount of tears: 40 noseblows
Who's around: The husband or no one

When your heart is simply broken. I think this is a grieving kind of crying (often includes sobbing), when the massive-ness of this journey occurs to me. For me, there is a certain amount of anger that comes out too.

So many 'resons' can spark this off. Things like the fact that I can't quite get my head around the children I have who are in heaven (children? mine? who? what?where? heaven?), wanting to meet them now, the idea of waiting but not knowing if I'm waiting for something I'm not going to get, the idea that not only may I not have kids but that would mean the husband won't have kids either, anger at how things seem 'unfair', jealousy that others have what I want, just feeling very lost, etc, etc, etc.

I am worn out from groaning;
all night long I flood my bed with weeping
and drench my couch with tears.
-Psalm 6:6

My face is red with weeping,
deep shadows ring my eyes
-Job 16:16
[It is good to know that David and Job did this as well. (And they were men too.)]

Frequency: Depends. Not often, but when it does, everything seems to pour out. And when you're done, you have no energy left.

Strategy: Vaseline or Elizabeth Arden's Eight Hour cream is good for the area around the nose and upper lip.

2. Constant struggling/wrestling with God.

Time/Place: Church service or similar
Amount of tears: 4-5 noseblows
Who's around: The husband and the whole room full of church-attenders

Somehow, I have no shame crying in church! It seems to just flow freely. I don't really mind, but I'm not sure how others who see this might feel. This happens especially during worship songs. I think this is because in singing these songs I'm declaring that I love God and He is good. And this is a hard thing to fully reconcile. I'm not usually crying cos' I'm doubting, I'm more crying cos' I know God is great and His plans are perfect, I just cannot fathom how that works with how much it hurts to get there.

Frequency: At the moment, almost every church service. (Whywhywhy!!!)

Strategy: Blow your nose during the song-singing, so that you don't have to when everyone's quietened down for the sermon.

3. Random tears

Time/Place: Unexpected- anywhere, anytime.
Amount of tears: 1-2 noseblows or just a quick wipe
Who's around: Could be the husband, or friends, or even strangers...

This is when something that comes up stirs a memory up or stings the wound. There is a wide range of when this might occur, from a simple conversation with a friend to watching a movie preview for 'The Blind Side'. Something sparks an emotion in you and the taps turn a little. I try to blink it back and sometimes that is good enough. Sometimes, they keep coming. Usually this only lasts a little while, but it is hard to say.

Frequency: Often.

Strategy: If it is safe, share what's on your mind. Your friends probably want to know how to care for you and it helps if you let them know.



Not sure why I decided to write about this. Just thought you might want to know you are not alone on the sad days. If we look up 'tears' or 'weeping' in the bible, there are lots of verses!

...a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance...
- Ecclesiastes 3:4

11 Things I'm Thankful for...

(Started with 10 but expanded one to 11 so oh well... )

1. I've lived this long. 28 years haha.

2. The husband is doing better... slowly.

3. I have a husband who spoils me- but also doesn't let me get away with 'crap'... least not too much.

4. Had a fun few days celebrating my birthday, especially sharing the actual day with a fab friend with the same birthdate. Love it.

5. Got cool presents- cooking/sewing books, chocolate, voucher for a food processor someday, super cute apron, a lovely meal, etc.

6. I attended a sweet wedding service that was on my birthday! It was gorgeous.

7. Got given time off work on my birthday- so generously covered by a good friend.

8. The husband helped me put shelves up in the house that I've been waiting to do.

9. Got lots of lovely birthday messages.

10. It is coming up to 6 months since November- I've survived in general, and I've survived the 'not trying' (when I say that I mean not going through any fertility treatments).

11. This past week has been relatively low-drama- the husband cut his finger quite deep but could drive to the clinic himself. Phew... (Did I speak too soon? Hope not!)

Birthday Present: MRI

A part of me still thinks they put the appointment on my birthday maybe on purpose. I mean, they had the date in front of them and all! And we harassed them pretty bad. Anyway, I take it as a birthday present from the public hospital/health system. Thank you.

So I woke up on birthday morning to rush to the hospital for my appointment. It was more intense than I thought. Firstly it was longer- like over half an hour! Which I'm sure is normal, but didn't think there was that much to look at. And it was loud!

I actually had to recite Bible verses and worship songs in my head to keep from freaking out and to focus on something better- and I realised I didn't actually remember all that much, mainly random things I memorised at school. I think I really only had two or three 'verses' or paragraphs that I repeated over and over. It surprised me! Pretending you are in 'Avatar' only lasts like two seconds.

It is a weird feeling. I knew I was safe, but being in an enclosed space, told not to move, with my eyes shut and loud machine noises in your ears... really was kinda scary. They gave me headphones but they didn't really help with the noise.

Was nice that the husband came to wait outside for me. Well... it is over now. I survived ha. Now we wait for what the docs will say. Sigh.

A Piece of Cake- not

Birthdays- not quite as easy as they were!

It is Birthday Week. I'm trying to celebrate it in small and different ways the best I can.

Some of you will laugh (or maybe be kinda annoyed I'm saying this) because I'm really only turning 28, so there's little to worry about- I'm still young blah blah blah. And I've never been one to really care about my age- in fact there have been times that I've even forgotten whether I was 25 or 26 or 27... It has never really mattered much to me. But this year it is actually bugging me a tad. Just a tad.

I can hear the tick-tock. I have become Captain Hook. Obsessed about the clock in the croc.

It is not about the number. I know it is not actually about the number, even though that's what's visually hanging out in my head and the math I keep doing back and forth.

It is the same-old-same-old. It is about the not knowing. It is about the looming, "God, what are you doing?" questions. I may be 'young' but no one actually knows what the future brings, it doesn't guarantee fertility and kids. If I've got issues now, I've got issues now, it doesn't just go away after a certain time of gaining a qualifications in classes like Infertility 101, Quick Responses to Awkward Questions 210 and Pelvic Examination Techniques 350.

(Though wouldn't that be fab?)

Anyway. I guess it is just ANOTHER thing that I was naive about previous to this infertility journey- and we know that list is looong.

So I'm trying my best to make the most of my Celebration Week and think of different things to do that are fun, instead of being afraid of it. (It is true- the word is actually 'afraid'.)

Funnily enough, they mostly revolve around food. (And great people of course!) Here is my list:

1. On Tuesday, I baked hefty chocolate chip cookies with extra hunks of dark chocolate in them. For me for me! (Usually I make them more for the husband.) It was good.

2. Thursday, tonight, I'm meeting a friend for bubble tea, which I love.

3. On Friday I'm having one of my favourites,Vietnamese for dinner and a little dessert night with closer friends. (One of my best friends shares the same birthday! Yay!)

4. On Saturday, the husband and I are gonna have breakfast together.

5. Last year I made a birthday t-shirt by buying a top and adding a small '27' on it in diamantes (I think this was the quiet start to when I knew I needed to start overcoming my age-issues haha)... so maybe this year I should do another similar thing with '28'. This could be my own little tradition/joke/thing. I love shopping so that would be a good excuse to shop. haha!

6. Maybe I will treat myself to a new CD too. hmmm.

7. Have actually also pre-celebrated with the husband over the Easter weekend. Was spoiled. I'm super thankful for that.

That's my list for now. Any more suggestions?

tick tock. haha.

Choose Your Own Adventure?

(Only if I could peek over the stupid hedge!!!)

The husband hasn't been 100% health-wise these last few months (yes... somehow the weeks have turned into months). It has been an interesting ride on another rollercoaster, just when we thought we were already on a rollercoaster with interfility- ha. Thankfully I think we are on the home stretch. I think we are getting somewhere in terms of him feeling better, but we've got to be patient- as we know, the human body doesn't always do what we want when we think it should. Grrrrr. (More waiting, anyone?)

Anyway. I've really missed being with the husband. We do a lot of everyday things together, and when that changes, it really messes with your world. My evenings have been a little different with him going to bed way WAY earlier- so I'm watching TV on my own (so weird), or doing the dishes alone or on the computer. The house is really quiet. Just lonely really, yet I don't really want to be doing anything else because I want to be close by to him. Our social life has also dwindled to pretty much not being able to make any commitments that involve evenings- which really limits our options because generally, people work in the day! I've gone to things alone, when he would usually come with me. Also, things we were thinking of doing or been planning to do have been left undone or half-done.

As a tick-boxer-type personality (actually both of us are in different ways), this has been a new nightmare.

Basically, life is different. Again.

What? It is not like we were really living life in the fast lane. Yet here we are, cutting our capacity down again another few notches. My brain has gone through some rewiring I think- you think I'd be used to this by now, but I'm not.

Whatever it is, we've gained a new insight into those who have way more long-term health issues. I think (and hope) our capacity to empathise has grown. We're learning even what it means to spend time with each other, now that we have even less of it- so even our appreciation for marriage has grown. (I think I've had a small taste of what it would be like to be a widow! It is a scary thing but something I can't take for granted.)

It has also been hard not knowing how to function as the spouse of someone who's not feeling well for an extended amount of time- it is confusing and wearying.  Communication as a married couple when you are both healthy is already hard enough! Definitely doesn't get any better when one of you is down... But we learn new things don't we? Oh God, I hope I am learning.

I'm thankful we are getting some positive news these days and the husband is slowly feeling better. I feel like everyday we are literally clinging to God because we have no idea what each day will bring at the moment. And why should that be a bad thing?

Like the husband says, life is an adventure. And I'm glad for every little bit of it I get to do with him.

TIME part 2- distractions

(Eating is always a good distraction... haha... thought not always the best for us though huh.)

Maybe I'm just rambling today... but oh well...

This past weekend, I did a 10km run with a friend. I'm thankful I was able to do it and that we completed it close to our goal. Yay! I enjoy the CHALLENGE of running, and if I am able to 'train' for an event, I try to schedule one in. It also is a good 'distraction' or at least takes my mind off things temporarily. Plus it feels like I am accomplishing some goals in life (for example, to be physically decently healthy, to finish an event, etc.) even though I'm not getting anywhere in other areas in life, like hoping to be a mother.

As you may have already experienced though with fertility, the same things that help and ease things, are sometimes the same things that make you remember and rub your 'issues' in your face. Like... Personally when I am on fertility treatments (and when I have been pregnant), I don't run and do a lot lower-impact stuff, or sometimes I have to do nothing and lie on the couch, just cos' I'm advised to do so by doctors- even if physical activity is not proven to be a danger in pregnancy if you are already an active person.

This means the very goals/activities I sometimes set up to 'distract' myself or that give me some 'space' have to be left unmet- for example cancelling events or scraping 'training' schedules or agreements with friends to do an event with them. Instead I watch as others take part in things I can't. I understand this is for a good cause overall, but sometimes it is hard when the result of the cycle is negative or something else goes wrong. I can feel like I put something off for no reason to really 'show' for.

It is also hard to not be resentful of others who don't have to think twice about any of these things.

I really struggle to not be jealous of those who can do whatever they want and not have to be told to stop. (As you maybe can tell I struggle to not be envious about a lot of things!!! I guess fertile or not, we can't escape this. argh.)

Anyway, I wanted to talk about distractions and how they are awesome and sometimes not-so-awesome but in the end, I reckon you gotta have some! You do it for the variety and the positive-ness it brings, which God wants cos' He wants us to lead an abundant life- a life to the full- which I'm learning includes handling the crap life brings too.

What are some things you do in this bizarre life-stage of sort-of-waiting but trying-not-to-wait-too-hard?

TIME part 1- Waiting

With infertility, one of the things that changes is your perspective on time. For one, your perspective of time in terms of waiting. It is not simply waiting, it is also waiting for what possibly may never come or what may be continually disappointing (kinda like the buses in Auckland haha). Obviously it is not the healthiest thing to be simply obsessed with waiting for a child, but this is also the reality of desiring one and hoping to have kids, and depending on where you're at in your stage of infertility, our perspectives are going to differ.
(There's a poem about waiting- here.)

Anyway, what I was thinking about writing today was the whole idea of distractions and what to do with ourselves NOW so we are not simply focused on 'waiting' in itself.

Hold on. I want to emphasise that it is not my intention to say that we should be all about waiting to get pregnant and pop a baby out. I understand that at the moment I do have a 'goal' to be a mother, but I'm learning it is not for me to 'achieve' or decide. I do believe we can grow to have a bigger-picture perspective than that- and that God intends for more to life than that. All I'm saying is for those of us who are maybe still in the midst of treatment, in between cycles, waiting to see doctors or waiting to make concrete decisions on all these varied issues, I've been trying to figure out how to still live a meaningful and exciting life (haha), despite the 'waiting'.

I say this because practically, the way we look at our months and years are different for now. You know when you're on the infertility/fertility journey when you don't think of weeks and months in terms of normal calendar-type increments, instead you think like this:
- 10 days- roughly at least 10 days between ovulation and when you could be fertile
- 2 weeks- roughly 2 weeks from when you ovulate to when you can find out about pregnancy results
- 4-6-8 weeks- depending on what you're doing, could be 4-6 or 8 weeks for a cycle
- 3 months- if we do get pregnant, this is how long I need to 'set aside' and keep it on the down-low both for medical reasons and before we want to share about it publicly... etc.

and I could list a ton more of these which are more infertility-related like:
- how long till the fertility clinic office hours start?
- how long till the next chat with the nurse?
- how long till the next injection?
- how long it takes provera to work?
- how long it takes climophene to work?
- how long it takes till the next blood test?
- how long till the next appointment with the doctor?
- how long till the next dreaded scan?
- how long will we can start a new cycle?
- how long should we 'break' or rest from treatment?

I'm sure you could come up with some of your own too. Which then impacts the way we plan or schedule our lives- basically you kinda can't. So it becomes this sorta bizarre thing of waiting, but trying not to, but ending up having to anyway. Frustrating, anyone? sigh...

Easter

(I love hot cross buns!)

Another Easter weekend has come and gone. We got to celebrate it with lovely friends who treat us like family. We are thankful for them.

April is a significant time for me. Two years ago, Andy and Nikki Bray lost their daughter Natasha in a horrible river canyoning accident, as did six other families. Around the same time, we experienced our first loss.

I remember reflecting on these things. Our first baby loss was very hard for me. It surprised me how bad I took it. I think as much as I had thought about miscarriage and knew others who had gone through it, I still didn't expect it to happen, and so when it did, it was a great shock. Also, when it takes extra effort to get there, with fertility treatment, you are also grieving the idea that you may have just used your ONE 'lucky ticket' kinda thing, though I know that may not be an actual truth. It just felt like a big blow on so many levels.

Anyway. I remember thinking that if I found it so so hard dealing with the loss of this baby, whom I hadn't even really known (carried for 9 weeks in the womb), how much harder would it be for the Brays who lost their amazing seventeen-year-old daughter, and pretty much any other parent who has lost a child.

Then I remember also transferring that to wondering how intensely agonizing it would have been for God to see His only Son die on the cross. How did God feel? And not only did Jesus die as someone who was perfect, He did it for us, beings who do not deserve it at all. Not at all. (I don't think I will ever be able to comprehend how God felt/feels, but I know He has also made us in His image so we probably have some understanding of it.)

I know I have to be careful about bringing God to 'my level' but I have to say that it comforts me to know God knows how it feels and knows it to a much larger extent. It helps me to know God isn't just this face-less, cold yet powerful thing who is simply shoving me to 'get over it', but treasures my tears and is holding me tight.

There are always so many more things I want to say and expand on! But I need to keep to time... haha so that's all for now.

huh?- questions questions...

I had a laparoscopy (ovarian drilling cos' of PCOS) over a year ago. Recently the topic came up with a friend in similar shoes which sparked off some thoughts for me in the last couple days... slightly messy ones and pretty much unrelated to the actual procedure but here goes:

1)
When I had a laparoscopy done, I remember being really stuck on the whole idea that I had to have surgery in order to attempt to have kids naturally. It really stumped me and to some extent, still does. I don't know why this seemed more major than pumping drugs into my system to help me ovulate... anyway, I guess it was just a very in-your-face reminder of my fertility status and all the questions (WHY do I need to manipulate my body so harshly for it to even try to ovulate? You're supposed to go to the hospital to deliver your baby not to have someone drill your ovaries as a pre-cursor to the possibility ovulation which is pre-babymaking, which is pre-pregnancy, which is pre-baby. In other words, a big fat "THIS IS UNFAIR." - Don't really swear but have been very tempted to.) that come with it.

2)
Speaking of questions... As a Christian dealing with infertility, at every step and angle we seem to be faced with the overriding questions- Do I let God deal with this and wait for some special indication? Or do I step out in faith and hope and use the resources (brain, etc) He's provided to make the best decision we/I know at this point in time? Or is the second question pretty much the answer to my first question?

These are common questions as a Christian and are not too bad at first glance, but I've noticed they get more frequent and hard when you are in the midst of infertility stuff... Like when you have a demanding voice on the other end of the telephone asking you if you want to take the appointment for publicly-funded (free, yes thankyou, I get it) day-surgery or not and you only have those five seconds to make that decision.

Oh yeah, sure you may have already discussed it with your husband, but what about work, you know there is important close to the date she's just barked at you, so is that an indication to push it and trust that another date will come up, or what? How long do I clear the schedule for? General anesthetic still takes a while to wear off... Does it matter? Do I tell people? Will it work? What does God think? Was I listening to my own 'desperation' rather than waiting for God's timing? What does the phrase 'God's timing' mean anyway?? Hold on. Also, what are my motives here? The nurse was pushy and stressful. Why did she do that? Should I have said no? I'm nervous. Does it mean I should take a break? How do I know? Yes, that's the one.

HOW DO I KNOW WHAT TO DO?

I honestly think I could list hundreds and hundreds of questions like that, that have popped into my head these last couple of years. I'm sure you could too... and I know there are no necessarily wrong or right answers to most of them... but I just didn't know I'd come to know the famous WHO WHAT WHERE WHEN WHY HOW questions so intimately and be visited by them so frequently. And to have to be making these decisions on what feels like wobbliness... and I think it could be because I'm so nervous about the whole red-pill blue-pill, what if I eat the wrong-coloured pill thing?

Which leads back to another big but basic question,
CAN I TRUST GOD?
(DO I BELIEVE HE LOVES ME AND KNOWS WHAT'S BEST?)

Which, as you probably have figured out if you have been journeying too, is the theme question of most major aspects of this life on earth. And a daily struggle for me. From what I know about who God is and my life so far, I don't need to think twice to know that the answer for me is 'yes', but my humanness doesn't always understand that, as it doesn't make sense to trust someone so wholly.

and so there. I think I'm stopping here.
I wish I did but, I don't really have a tidy conclusion to this post... haha.

I hope you had a meaningful Easter weekend.