One Year On

Today is the anniversary of when we lost Baby N. Yesterday I bought flowers to make it a bit more special but sadly when I brought them home, they were more floppy than I'd realised. (Darn those sneaky supermarket-sleeve-flowers and my lousy judgement haha... Oh well. )

How quickly a year has gone by. A year since the husband flew back from the States in a rush to be with me. A year since being at the hospital with my dear friend C who took care of everything while I panicked in pain. Thank you God for how you worked everything out somehow.

The grief has definitely subsided. Something you never feel is going to happen when you are in the midst of it and can hardly see past the hour. Though there is still a deep longing to know what Baby N looks like and what life would have been (as with all the babies we long to meet)... Life is interesting huh.

It is curious thinking about what I remember of the day I found out the pregnancy definitely wasn't progressing (the scan, going for something as normal as a meal after as there was nothing we could do and it was something to do aside from crying), the next day (arranging a D & C as by then I'd been bleeding for a while) and then that night/the following day when it all happened naturally and so quickly yet kinda also in slow-motion.

So many difficult memories, yet it was a deep and impactful time too, it especially impacted my relationships (with my mother who was there at the last scans, with my friend C who coached me through contractions that I for some reason didn't expect, and my husband who sped from airport to hospital in crazy shock).

One thing that the miscarriages have made me think about a lot is heaven. What is heaven like? I'm still figuring it out. A topic I never really had to think too much about in terms of specifics. It also has made me really want to go there, not in a scary way but just in a it-will-be-so-awesome-when-we-get-there kind of way.

Even this year has continued to be a bit of a confusing year, but we can definitely see how God has been taking such good care of us. The fact that we have simply survived a year is a good thing! To be honest I'm not sure where the year has gone. It feels like it sorta just disappeared, all I know is I'm tired but here I am... haha.

So. We're really not sure what the future holds but it surely is going to be 'good' because it is in God's hands. He is a faithful God. Oh how I need to remember that on the trickier days!

(we decided to buy bears to for each of our children, to remember them by even if there is little to hang on to. here are just three of them... two have their nickname-initialed on their foot!)