stop.start.stop.start

It feels like life is constantly being 'disrupted' by something else. Like a tracking dog, you think you're on a great scent trail, then you're interrupted by some other whiff, and you're being sent off on another one.

I'm not great with surprises so this has definitely been an area of growth- though I don't know if I'm getting any better at this.

When you set aside 5-6 weeks mentally/emotionally (and maybe socially) to do a fertility cycle of treatment, the illustration of being on the rollercoaster is never clearer. The drugs work. The drugs don't work. Maybe now? Yes. Blood test. No. Maybe now? No. Blood test. Maybe. Increase dosage? Yes. Wait. Working? Maybe. Blood test says yes. Any follicles? Yes. Big enough? No. Blood test. Not yet. Scan. Maybe... now? What about... now? Scan. Did ovulate? Blood test. Yes. Pregnant? Maybe we're good. Should be but wait. Wait. One week. I feel this way. No I feel that way. Maybe now? Two weeks. Blood test.  Oh no. Hmmm. Gutted.

Start Again.

Lord! Remind me who you are.

Like some kind of crazy marathon version of Snakes 'N' Ladders!

The other day I had another confusing taste of this bizarre world of unexpected things. I was scheduled for a minor surgery. We had both cleared our schedules and friends at work were so kindly covering for us. We had alerted close friends and family just to let them know.

I got my pre-op prepping. Got into the gown. Did not have anything to eat or drink for over 12 hours (quite a feat). Cleared the system. Had the scary disposable undies on hand to change into at the last minute, plus gorgeous blue hairnet.

But then they were running late... and the surgeon came in (I thought this was my briefing with her but... ) to tell me apologetically that she had to postpone my surgery! There were other uncontrollable and major reasons for it that made a lot of sense. I get it. But... hold on. What??

There's nothing I can do. I got back into my own clothes and we walked out of the hospital!

(In the meantime the husband got a parking ticket for staying in his space too long- he waited with me and had forgotten about the time limit! Oh no.)

It was a confusing day. All the prayers that my wonderful friends and family have said for me are possibly on pause or maybe God has recorded them on His MySky to be replayed in a few days time.

(I know it is not my fault but I feel kind of embarassed! Thankfully we have been able to reschedule it and it will happen in the next few days.)

I realise over and over how 'control' is so important to me- subconsciously. I want to have a say in what happens- though I'm not always aware of it. They say it is your decision how you want to live your life and how you want to deal with things. I understand and I agree- I'm working on it, I promise. However, sometimes, however much you decide to be adaptable or flexible or respond well, the rug still gets pulled under you. And it hurts. I'm not sure if I am getting any used to it or am any better at falling!