How Great Is Our God... at showing up in unexpected ways

Last week we watched a Louie Giglio (guy who founded Passion Conferences, etc.) DVD at our church small group called 'How Great Is Our God'... if you want to watch it too, I think this is it here.

He goes through some super mind-blowing stuff about astronomy, genetics and biology, etc... nothing I will be able to paraphrase well so go watch/listen to it yourself if you want to.

What got me though was this bit he got to about conception and babies. Yes. When he started on it I was like, OH NO.

I can't do this... please don't linger on this topic. I know a baby is a miracle I know that. I don't need you to tell me more about how awesome it is because I might just start bawling in the middle of this room and it might just be a tad awkward. Yes I have great friends here, but their husbands may not know what to do and I really don't need to stop everyone in mid-bite of chocolate-chip cookie, etc...

Then it got to about 22:40 into this message and I really was squirming on the inside... but I felt God's gentle nudge.

Mr Giglio showed a picture of a 3-day old embryo or 16-cell embryo. It really got my attention. It was beautiful! It was so intentional and so 'wonderfully-made' even at that stage.

Even though I'd seen pictures like this before, maybe because of being exposed to the world of infertility and IVF, this one really struck me. I think it is cos' I've been asking all these questions on how to understand the beginning of life, and how do I think about these little baby buds of life that I have lost through miscarriage?

I think it just seemed like God was reminding me that all creation IS HIS...

It all belongs to Him- whatever age, whatever stage of life, etc.

Louie also went on to read from Psalm 33 where verse 15 says, "He who forms the hearts of all..."

Can I tell you how crazy meaningful that verse is to me? Definitely was trying not to show too much reaction or break down at this point and keep eating the buttered slice of date loaf I was using as a decoy.

You see...

Last October when we were expecting Baby N (yes I'm going to use that word 'expecting' even though it is hard...) I read and re-read that verse all the time because Baby N had a good heartbeat and that was what we had to hold on to for hope.

Yes. One year ago I was pregnant and for me there are reminders of this everywhere. Where do I hide?

But I think God just reminded me that He is taking care of it all.

Taking care of EVERYTHING, including questions and emotions my puny brain and heart is struggling to keep from spilling over... and taking care of those little lives I miss and don't know how to think about... taking care of the infertility and adoption issues...

O Lord thank you for meeting me in the unexpected places...

New Favourite

I love new home ideas, even though I have so many they are coming out of my ears (or stuck in the garage) and some will never be fulfilled... always like looking at pictures and other people's ideas too. Here's my new favourite blog/site thing- Nesting Place.

Ahhhh!!!! Gorgeous.

She Said It Better - Some Stuff On Loss...

I noticed while looking around online the other day that October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day in the US! What interesting timing, as this topic had just been particularly on my mind too...

Today's post looks a bit long but I'm sharing couple links and a thing that I copy-pasted... If you skip the links, do read the copy-paste bit below, as I found it pretty powerful.

I'm thinking a lot around the idea of life in the womb... I have found it so difficult to get my head around it. Like I do believe life starts at conception, but when it is your own and when you miscarry at an early stage, like five weeks, it is just hard to know what to think of it or how to feel... because it seemed so unreal.

Anyway, there were a couple of good posts that came up on (in)courage again that made me confront this issue a bit more. They are not actually about miscarriage, so not directly related, but at the core of it these women would've had to sort out their thoughts too.

• She Made Me a Mommy With Hope, by Teske Drake- She carried on with her pregnancy knowing the baby was not going to do well...
• Face to Face, by Heather Gemmen Wilson- She had one of her children as a result of rape... and has faced judgement from others...

Both women have gone on to impact others as a result of their experience and it is fascinating to see what God has done with it.

If you have gone through miscarriage and pregnancy/baby loss (or are friends with someone who is) I hope the following is encouraging to you too. I know it may be really hard to read but it spoke to me deeply and maybe it will to you too.

This is from a 'Double Daily Portion' email that I get from Sarah's Laughter (a resourcing ministry for infertility/loss). The writer/founder, Beth Forbus, is gifted at writing from a biblical and empathetic perspective. I have found it hard but soothing to read. This was sent out specifically for this week to acknowledge October 15th.

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Why does it hurt so badly to lose a baby? Even one only a few weeks post-conception? The answer, my friend, is actually pretty simple. That tiny, little baby—even if he or she was no more than a few cells—was created in the very image and likeness of God Almighty! Oh, the preciousness of this tiny little creature! For a short time, your mortal frame, or that of your spouse, housed the very image and likeness of God Himself.

We can only imagine what God looks like. We are told in Scripture that if we were able to look at Him with human eyes that we simply could not take it and we’d fall dead (Exodus 33:20). However, He found a way to give us a glimpse of Himself. He created us in His image and in His likeness. Not exactly like him. He may not have green eyes and brown hair like me, but I’ve been created in His image and His likeness. Your baby was too, and this makes your baby precious. Oh, the unfathomable worth of the child who has God’s fingerprints all over them!

God even says “Before I formed you in your mother’s womb, I knew you”. He doesn’t saunter into a delivery room and look as a newborn takes its first breath and say “Thanks, doc. I’ll take it from here!” Birth is not a prerequisite for God’s protection, God’s love or God’s involvement in your baby’s life. Before your baby was conceived in your body, he or she was already conceived in the heart and mind of God. Before you loved your child, God loved your baby. Before you prepared your nursery, God had already prepared a place. Before you knew you’d lay down your life to save your baby, God laid down His life to save his or her soul. God never planned on waiting until your baby was born to know and love your baby.

God still loves you. Even though He has allowed you to walk through the devastation of miscarriage. He offers you His comfort and His healing. You can pour out your heart to God and He’ll understand. When friends, family, and even your spouse can’t bear to see your tears anymore, God has incredibly broad shoulders for you to cry on and strong arms for you to fall into. Lay your head on His chest and hear His heart beating. A heart that broke just like yours has.

As you find comfort in the bosom of Love Himself, don’t forget to look into His eyes and see the promise of a heavenly and eternal reunion with your child. One that will not end in miscarriage. No SIDS allowed inside the gates of pearl! No stilled heartbeats. No blighted ovums. No spontaneous abortions. No grief. No sadness. Just an eternity with the child you’ve held in your heart so much longer than in your body! And an eternity with a God who loved you enough to orchestrate the death of His only Son to provide a way to reunite you with your child.

There is no doubt that Heaven will be an incredible place that defies the description of man. Never in our wildest imagination could we begin to come close to imagining what God has in store for those who love Him and have received His gift of salvation. Psalm 127 tells us that children are a gift and a reward. If you are a Christian, your gift is unopened, waiting for your arrival in Heaven. What joy your heavenly reunion with your child will bring! Perhaps the only place you ever saw your baby was on a positive pregnancy test or on a stilled sonogram screen.

Child of God, you will see your baby one day! You’ll see the expressions on their face, smell their fragrance, and hear that precious voice in the place that God has prepared. Was a hospital room the only place you were ever able to hold your stilled child in your arms? One day, because of the sacrifice of Calvary you’ll explore together all that Heaven has to offer. For the child of God these are great and precious promises.

Not only are you assured an eternity with the baby you have loved and lost, but even more importantly, you will be with the God who loved you enough to sacrifice His baby to allow you an eternity with yours. All you have to do is accept His salvation and with a joyful, redeemed heart join Him at His home. He—and your child—are waiting for you there.

(c) 2008 Sarah’s Laughter-Christian Support for Infertility & Child Loss

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 If you think these words may also comfort someone else you know... do send it on!

Thanks for reading...

Hello Monday

It is back to work for me today after a week off. Hope you had a good weekend too?

(Got to soak in a bit of sunshine this past week.)

Resuming life after time off always tends to give me like a small panic attack so I'm gonna take a few mins to reorganise my head after this post (and pray!), haha. It is also crazy that it is like 12 weeks to Christmas or the end of the year. Mad. Maybe I should put my tree up now so that'll be one less thing to do?

There were a few beautiful days here in Auckland (yay!) and I got to catch up on some goofy movies- Grown Ups, Date Night and Despicable Me (loved it). Yes, somehow I have to watch light and funny movies at the moment. I can't handle anything too sad or too serious. Even animated films can get the tears flowing so I'm staying away from anything that's actually intense. Silly all the way is good thanks.

Anyway here are a couple links to some posts that caught my eye:

• When we just don't know the words to pray, by Holley at Dayspring- sharing this cos' I often feel like this when someone shares with me about stuff in their life, and
• Why its really worth it to tell your secrets, by Ann Voskamp- sharing this cos' I really like this and often wonder about the idea of vulnerability and the goods and bads of being open about your life...

They each have a blog too if you scroll through the article you will find it. Both are part of this website, (in)courage, which often has some posts that speak straight to the heart.

Why do days-off always go by so fast? I hardly got anything on my 'list' crossed off. Typical! Sigh. Haha... Have a great week.

No Simple Way Around It- Miscarriage Realities

(Magnolia- pic not really relevant to post but I just love magnolias! So pretty.)

This past week a friend went through a hard time. Even though I've been through some stuff similar to her experience, there is nothing to say that will make it better. I am still helpless. So sorry, girl.

I'm thankful that I had the week off so we got to hang out for a few hours one afternoon. I feel priviledged that we got to have some good conversation, even in the sadness. We connected on quite a few things, and even though she has appreciated that I am able to be there for her (and I'm so glad), in an odd way, it was actually like she was there for me also, dealing with my stuff too.

Here are things I'm learning after thinking through my own early miscarriages/pregnancy loss (before 12 weeks, because that's what I know about)... I know not everyone goes through the same thing, so I understand if it doesn't ring true with everyone.

1. Usually it is easiest to blame yourself- even I didn't say it, I thought it. Like thinking, I skipped rope before I found out, I ate that weird thing, I was too hot, I had that sip of wine, etc. NO YOU DIDN'T CAUSE IT. (Unless you abuse your body in an obvious way like with drug addiction, reasons for early miscarriage are still not medically clear and they don't know how to prevent it. Don't let others or old wives' tales tell you otherwise.)

2. It is hard to know how to think about the little life that was in you. It is easier to think of it as a vague entity, but it was life. Yet we think it wasn't 'fully' a baby, so how do we acknowledge it? Sometimes it is easier to not think of it as your child, but it was. It was wanted. It was God's creation. (Safe in the Arms of God looks at the biblical basis of this if you want a book on it, by John MacArthur.)

3. It affects your marriage. Wives and husbands deal with it differently and it is not easy to know how to communicate about it. I feel like sometimes it is the whole 'circular effect' of not wanting to hurt the other spouse or see them cry, so we either don't bring it up or try to be brave and bear with it, but we end up avoiding it or miscommunicating somehow... (There's lots of resources on grief and the impact on marriage too.)

4. It surprises you how lost you feel. You didn't realise you could be attached or feel love for something you had not seen, met or, in some cases, felt.

5. Morning sickness may continue after the loss... and this is a difficult physical reminder.

6. There is shock because it all unfolds fairly quickly. You were pregnant, now you are not. What are you going to do with the plans, real or vague ones, that you made?

7. You kinda don't want to make a 'big deal' out of it but it rocks your world. For some just a little, for some a little more. There are now a lot of "What ifs". What if I get pregnant again, what if I miscarry again, what if... It may also bring out other insecurities, like what if all your friends or sisters 'over-take' you and become moms before you, have their second and third children even, etc... that is normal. There are no easy answers to these, just continue to bring them before God.

8. You don't know what to tell people- if you've been away from work, if you've already told some friends about your pregnancy, if you need to tell your mother she isn't going to be a grandma etc.

9. You don't know how others will react and you can be sensitive about comments... we brace ourselves for the comments that may be awkward, or make us feel angry or like it was our fault. Hopefully none come.

10. There are lots of questions for God, and not always sufficient good answers. You try not to think about it too much but you sorta can't help it either.

11. Time will help the intensity to ease. There may always be random things that will always remind you of your pregnancy and the loss, and this is normal so don't feel silly, and it does get easier over time.

12. It makes you so so so thankful for loving friends and family. Some may have been in the same position too and some not, regardless of that, their encouragement and support means so much and you realise how much you need them. If you have kept it all very private, sometimes it does help to share it with a close friend or family member whom you trust.

13. It helps to 'let it out' somewhere. For me, I have a journal where I 'write to God'. Some days I had lots to say to God and some days I didn't-  I write sad things, angry things, glad things. Counselling also provided me with good guidance when my grief seemed to be quite overwhelming or when it was affecting me in a way that was more than what close friends and family could help me with. Going for a walk and listening to music or just letting yourself weep was also fairly therapeutic.

I found this book, Free to Grieve, by Maureen Rank, good too. (They had it at the North Shore's Albany Library...)

In Real Life

I just realised that this blog is about eight months old! I do enjoy blogging. I do get nervous about some of the things I put out there about my life, but overall I do like keeping this going and all. Here's a shout-out:

Thanks for reading my posts and commenting on them, etc. I appreciate all you folks who are dropping in and checking this out. It means a lot.

Some of you have mentioned that my blog is 'pretty'. Why thanks! I do like it too. It is actually just a blogger-template, which means I didn't do anything, I just picked it and it appeared haha...

Some of you who read this know me but some of you don't, and as it is hard to know what I'm like just from my blog, I thought I'd do a small IN REAL LIFE list:

In real life,

1. I am not so great at verbalizing my thoughts and feelings. Okay. 'Not so great' is an UNDERSTATEMENT. I'm terrible. (I'm sure even the husband uses this blog as a reference to how I may be doing this past week. Things to work on, yes.)

2. I like neat and tidy but I'm not neat and tidy. I'm clean but messy. Unless you say you are coming over, then I make sure it is neat and tidy, where possible.

3. As much as we try, there is always soapscum to be scrubbed, dishes to be done and more laundry to be loaded. I really admire friends whose houses are always looking fab, but I also know I need to just get over it.

4. I read too many books at the same time.

I love 'knowing bit more' and tend to over-research initially, and then have to go back re-read everything cos' I read it too fast the first time. (But I'm getting smart enough to underline or dog-ear parts that I like so I can go back and just focus on those.)

5. I'm insecure. Can you tell? I think that's why I explain things too much too. Just so you don't misunderstand me. Heaven forbid you misunderstand cos' then it may lead to you not liking me. How can you not like me? I wouldn't be able to handle that. Sigh. Seriously. Full of issues. Reading a book about it of course.

6. If I have some time to chill, I like to sit around and drink tea- and just do not much.

Ok. That's me for now.

Wat Yo Talkin' 'Bout Girl?

This post is written in reference to my last post- More Than a Broken Window.

My friend asked me questions around the lines of, why do I need to mourn the idea of motherhood now, when there are still possibilities for the future? (I think that's what you meant, A? I hope so, haha.) And that is a fair enough question cos' I know it sounds like I'm shutting things down too early...

(Okay. Honestly it feels like I could write a book on this so I'm trying to stick to the point. I hope this makes some sort of sense.)

There are a few 'levels' to what I mean...

One is, it is specific to adoption, like in desiring this future-child, I need to deal with certain aspects of motherhood, like that I won't have that pregnant-to-birth experience, along with him/her not resembling us. This is a more obvious one which you probably already figured.

Two is, for me, I actually delved into the grief of not being a mother right from the start- like right when I found out about my not-so-useful ovaries.

I know this seems a little weird drama or premature (as I am 'young' and there are reproductive technologies, etc.) and it may sound like I lost hope but that is not at all what I mean. My hope recharges all the time- probably only cos' God does it for me and along with that maternal desire He's put in many of us women.

I think when I say,"I grieve the thought of never conceiving, carrying and giving birth and having kids" (or a similar statement), I mean it because it is a reality for me TODAY. Yes, the future may bring something different (and in some ways it already has, as I have conceived previously), but it is my way of accepting my TODAY and making myself give it up to God, because I really don't know what the future holds- no one does. It is a version of 'acceptance' rather than denial- and maybe sorta extreme, which I know is not how everyone processes, but maybe is my way of dealing with this.

It is like a thing that I need to constantly do to think beyond the idea to be a mother, because just maybe that will be my life. I have to untangle myself from seeing a lot of my identity as a woman with being a mother...it is like a way to survive or move forward I think... like making a decision that there is more to life with or without kids... does this make any sense?

Three, not sure if this is even relevant to the question but may help... going through infertility is a hard one to describe.

I think it is like other examples of processing pain/suffering/when-bad-stuff-happens type issues.

(The husband gave me the idea for the following.) Maybe it is like when someone loses their leg, due to disease or accident. Their world changes. You can't do everyday things the same, your job prospects change because you used to be in a physical job, your social life changes because it is hard to go dancing every week, your house layout has to accomodate, you only need to buy half a pair of shoes...  your identity and your perspective on what you thought life was going to be is significantly shifted.

One day, you get a new artificial leg that works like 'as good' (or if you are a Kiwi, is 'good as'), that is fab and all- life may even be way better, you may climb mountains for a living and get tons of cash. But it doesn't take away the fact that your 'right' or 'normality' of having two legs is no longer there. It is not a given. Your definition of you is no longer the same. You have to be defined by something more than that.

Sure, you now have two legs again and are doing great but the world looks very different because you have experienced that loss or that 'change of plan' and it doesn't simply just 'rewind' to the day before your accident. (Though you do wonder what it'd be like if it did.)

I think this is sorta like an illustration of infertility for me.

My head tends to always be full of thoughts and words, so this may have been babbly. Hope this makes sense. What do you think?

More Than a Broken Window

Can everything be replaced?

Here's a post that got me thinking the other day. (The original post is here by Lori, who writes a great blog, though heart-breaking at times.)

It is about 'replacing children', with reference to the biblical book of Job... when you lose a child through pregnancy/miscarriage loss, some will say one way to get over it is to get pregnant again and have your next child... and yes I can understand where that thought would come from, as it probably helps life to keep going, but that does that really solve it? I think it helps you think about something else... But both are separate and different little lives that are special.

In the original post, Lori is thinking through it because she lost her baby last year and here she is pregnant again around the same time of the year, and it is so confusing.

It can be taken to another level too when we consider the whole idea of adoption. I know for me I need to mourn the idea of conceiving, carrying a baby in the womb and a baby that looks like the husband and me as we journey on with adoption. I've already been doing that since I've been on this infertility road- with all my issues, it just isn't always going to be clear, and will be a continual kind of grief, because you never really 'get over it' I don't think.

Hmmm... yes. This is kinda an incomplete thought! (Just thought to share the links for now cos' sometimes I take so long to produce a post and spit it out!)

Ten Things at 10am

There's a lot going on.

I'm keeping it light for today. Here are some random things I'm up to...

1. I went out and bought a new pair of shoes- wedged heel sandals, in preparation for warmer weather haha... ahhh feels so good. I don't often see shoes I like at Number One Shoe Warehouse but I did and they were $29.99, which is pretty cheap around here. (I think this is my first new pair of shoes this year? Could that be? Quite an accomplishment I think!) Only problem now is nasty toenails... here's a pic of them without feet.

2. Our study was not being well used so I de-cluttered the study a little... sold my desk that I wasn't using (it ended up just as a paper-holder) and bought a taller bookshelf to store our books instead, moved stuff around, tried to get organised, etc.

I found some cute boxes at a Japanese-goods store and using it to store my stuff on our small bookshelf instead of just piling it on the desk. I'd like to paint the shelf but that'll be another day... (This 'organised-thing always works for a short while and then somehow a magic mess appears again! Note: I just don't take pictures of the mess.)



3. This week coming up we're having a break! No work for a week. We have been looking forward to this for a while. We're not going away but being home and just trying to relax will be nice. Hopefully I'll be able to catch up with some friends too... we also have a few house-things to get done... lots of books to read...

4. Finally tried making this coffee cake today.

Looks good and tastes okay... but is icing was a bit overkill. Thankfully the husband is a sweeter-tooth than me so he will be good help eating it.

5. I wear these around the house sometimes just to laugh at myself. I got them last year when we went to the Universal Studios in Gold Coast, Australia with some great friends to start a new adventure. I don't actually watch that much Spongebob but I just thought these were funny.


6. This is something I'm casually keeping my eye out for- a printer's tray or drawer. Okay, I don't need it, but it'd be kinda cool for home decor stuff one day. I missed this auction on TradeMe the other day and was so frustrated. (This other one was also for sale but looks like they want more...)

7. My friend shared these random YouTube clips with me the other day. It came out of a conversation on how, in general Asian music videos, whether from HK or Taiwan or Korea, are so overly sappy but quite intriguing to watch! (Check 'I Am Woman' by KISS out if you want a sample. Beware it is eight minutes long!) High cringe factor but I sorta love it.

For a more fun and sugar-sweet pop feel, watch 'Nobody' by Wonder Girls, another Korean clip. Quite hilare.

8. We had a couple warm days here this week. Even though I was at work for some of the sunny afternoons, it was nice to be reminded of what summer feels like again. Funny how you sorta forget.

9. This was Sammy a few minutes ago. (It was his birthday yesterday, he's now officially three... but we weren't great dog owners, we didn't really know what to do. Do they eat cake? We gave him a couple venison treats that he liked and uh... had to leave for work. He did get some good rubs though.)

10. I need to go. I'm meeting someone in ten minutes. Wow I'm organised. I guess that's what happens when you tre and get stuff done on Saturday mornings.

Have a great weekend.

Unfinished Business

Kutless sings this song called "I'm Still Yours" and in it there are beautiful lines, some are similar to questions that I have also been asking myself these past few years...

When my life is not what I expected

The plans I made have failed

When there’s nothing left to steal me away

Will You be enough for me?

Will my broken heart still sing?

(More lyrics here.)

And I think the truth is that it will remain a question. I will continue to ask that of myself- and have to make that daily decision quite possibly for the rest of my life.
 
Don't get me wrong, I don't doubt my relationship with Christ and His love for us. My view of God has not been shaken and in fact, my understanding of Him has deepened.

He is a faithful God, but what about me?
 
I still remain a broken person, full of crap-o-la baggage, so it doesn't mean that it makes it any easier to trust Him in the times when things are so not what you thought they should be and you have no control over it. You know what I mean?
 
...
 
I love that the song ends with the whole idea that regardless of my response to God... I'm still Yours.

His infinite wide arms of grace overpowers my small whatevers.
 
Have a listen. Hope it speaks to you too.

In Her Shoes

Yesterday we spent a day at our second session preparing us for the adoption process. It was a whole day, so was quite intense.

(The husband and I are currently putting fertility treatment on hold and since our adoption stuff seems to be having a bit of progress we thought to keep it going, since we have been keen on that too. It is hard to get our heads around it, as it has come up earlier than we'd thought and there are so many massive issues to consider... but we are still looking forward to the possibility!)

In the lunch break, after I wolfed down my vegetable pie, I went to get a baby-gift as there was this cool store close by and I'm never in the area. I have to admit I had to have a little laugh (angry/sad/ironic/what-am-I-doing) on the inside...

Here I was, a woman struggling with infertility and pregnancy loss, attending an adoption info session, stepping into a trendy and gorgeous baby shop, Nature Baby, where immediately I was confronted with clever wooden toys and merino blankets, along with a pregnant mother with her first child in the stroller (oh the jealousy) and another couple bobbing along with their cute newborn.

(I'm sure you are thinking, "Then why did you go in?!!" and yes, I constantly ask myself that too... but I think I am trying to be normal and function like a normal person, or at least pretend to be normal haha. I don't want to be held back!)

Oh how I felt like a fraud. Sure I was buying a legitimate gift, but I felt like everyone could see right through me... like they knew how ridiculous I felt walking around that shop, desiring every ounce of everything it represented.

This is not new for me. I'm sure so many others dealing with infertility know this all too well. There is no where to hide!

This morning I turned on the TV to catch Breakfast on doing a neat tribute to Christchurch and how resilient the community has been in the midst of the earthquake... and there is Pippa the delightful co-host talking who is 20 weeks pregnant with her third child talking about how she's clucky blahblahblah... I'm sorry but I had to turn down the volume as she spoke to the fortunate young couple and their baby born after the earthquake and went to get some laundry into the machine. Clean clothes is a good thing. Clean clothes is a good thing. Clean clothes is a good thing.

One of my most favourite TV shows is Project Runway (love it so much) and the recent season has only just started here a few weeks ago. I caught up on it last night and you know what's coming... the frustratingly super-beautiful and super-fertile Heidi Klum is on with her big pregnant belly staring right at me.

Please know, as I've said before, it is not that I'm actually mad at them and I know their lives are probably not all that simple either, it is just that they hold such stabbing reminders for me.

Before I go off topic haha, what I'd REALLY been wanting to say was... One of the things I've been learning about my journey is that is parallels quite closely with those who are single and desiring to be married, yet have had to wait on this too.

We both desire things that are on the whole positive (for me, to be a parent and for the single person, to be loved and cherished by a special person all your life), things that others seem to do quite naturally or easily, and we both understand that sense of being left behind while everyone else is 'progressing' ahead of you. We also both share the sense of sometimes feeling like the hope gets dimmer and dimmer as time ticks by- this may not be true but it feels like it.

I'm thankful that infertility has grown my ability to empathise with my friends who are single and wanting a husband and family. It has also taught me to be appreciative that I have the husband and am in a marriage where I could not ask for more...

But ANOTHER thing I thought of yesterday, after the adoption info session, was that infertility and loss has also expanded my empathy for birth mothers (women who for various reasons choose to give up their children for adoption). I get that they made a decision to give their baby up and a choice was made, while with infertility/pregnancy loss, it is mostly not as a result of choice... but I think I empathise with the overall sense of loss.

I guess I'm thinking that if pregnant women (why do I notice them all the time and everywhere?!), kids in the play corner, moms with strollers, baby shops, cars with baby seats, diaper ads, baby food aisles, baby showers, baby dedications, kids in supermarket trolleys, etc, constantly remind me of the babies I have yet to have or yet to meet, then it must do something quite similar for some birth mothers too.

The baby that they carried to full-term and gave up to someone else (sure they are very possibly in better care) is not with them and they have surrendered their rights to be parents. I'm sure they miss their child too.

Somehow that struck me quite strongly yesterday as someone spoke about the topic... hmmmm.

Interesting...

(Took these photos this morning... been stormy around here but nice to spot some signs of spring! These are flowers of our nectarine tree...)

(See the little buds!)

This past weekend, including Friday, I attended a 3-day course and it was really good- just got really physically tired by the end of it. Out of just nine women there, there was one who was pregnant (of course!) and at first I didn't notice, so it caught me a bit by surprise (surprise #1).

However later on when we were all chatting, she openly mentioned that the baby she was expecting was an egg-donor baby (surprise #2)! That was the first time I'd ever met someone who'd gone down that route.

For her, the major reason was her age- she is 48 (surprise #3)! (She looks like she's 40.) And even though she's had two kid previously, her husband felt very strongly about having another child and that's why they are...

They even spent a fortune and went all the way to the U.S. to get the egg-donor (surprise #4)! Crazy huh...

Now I am not here to unpack all the ethical and moral issues with having a child when you are older and also having an egg-donor, I know there's a lot that could be discussed, but it was definitely interesting.

I think I'm noticing that infertility has made me a lot less quick to judge about this kind of situation. The 'pre-IF' me would be more immediately critical about it and yet now I've learnt that there is a lot to this desire to have children and it is hard to know when to keep trying and when to stop. Also, as I'm a Christian, there is a certain framework from which I may make decisions about these things, but for others, it is not quite so distinct.

Anyway. Not quite sure if this makes sense and why I brought that up but it was quite fascinating for me...

Maybe despite the complicated issue that it is, it simply just represented hope for those still waiting? (Even though I'm definitely not considering trying at 48!)

More of Sammy

We've had Sammy for almost two weeks now... here are some pics.

 

So rare to get a photo of him looking at me!

He likes to snooze on the beanbag when we are in the living room.

We've noticed that he likes to hide his treats instead of eat them! Seems really bizarre. You won't find me hiding any bits of chocolate (though I might try and then fail). Pretty funny watching him save his bones and biscuits and take them out and bury!

Sammy's real sweet with us but he has also come with a few issues. He has some separation anxiety and is confused with when to be protective/aggressive when we are out for walks. They say this is all linked to being in a new environment without his long-time doggy friend that he relied on in his previous home. Now we have a lot of work to try and figure this out... so we'll see how it goes. We knew it'd be hard work but we weren't quite expecting this much stuff! Honestly not quite sure whether to laugh or cry about life's issues sometimes! Anyway... here is Sammy waiting outside a room door for the husband to come out! Funny huh.

Coping Strategies

(Staying afloat!)

When I was doing our last round of fertility, I made myself list things I could still look forward to even if the round didn't 'work'. As I've gone on in this journey of treatment cycles, I've learnt to sort of plan ahead for both good news and bad. (This may sound like I don't have enough 'hope', but trust me... the impact of the disappointment I have had reflects the amount of hope I held for each round. Planning for life beyond that is brutal but was something I needed to do.)

When Round 8 ended in loss, I looked at that list that was supposed to help me 'carry-on' with so much distaste. I just felt inconsolable, probably like any other grieving person initially. After all, those of you in similar shoes know that there is VERY little that can measure up to getting pregnant, having a healthy pregnancy and having a child. (I have to admit that stating those three things seem like an impossibility to me now.)

But this last week or so, I'm glad I had that list. Yes they may be so different, in light of what I'd really really really like to be doing, but they are still things that are significant and I'm thankful to be able to do, or at least attempt to do them. Here they are:
- run the Auckland Half Marathon (um... if my knee lets me)
- do a Pilates Instructor course (it is this weekend!)
- continue pursuing the process of education and application towards possibly adopting (cos' if I was pregnant they make you pause this process)- very excited!
- start a local infertility support group via church (or a network of some kind at least!)- this has been something I've been wanting to do for ages! Anyone keen? Let me know.

None of these take the pain away but I'm stoked that I have these things as challenges to keep my heart and mind occupied in a positive way.

On another note, I survived buying new-born diapers for two friends who've each had their gorgeous babies born this past week. Go them! (And go me!) I heaved the two massive boxes of diapers (gifts for them) on top of my usual groceries, and to be honest, I felt like such a faker... cos' then I continued down the aisle past the REAL mothers who were picking what jars of baby food to get for their babies. Thankfully the aisles are not that long and I reached the frozen foods without running over anyone.

Which is easier? Shopping for baby clothes or buying baby diapers? I'm not that sure. (Don't get me wrong. I love getting gifts, but some days I'm just also thankful for the invention of shopping online, vouchers and gift cards!)

Anyway. I'm coping okay. Hope you are too.

Sammy the Dog

Here are some pics!

Sammy is our (almost) three-year-old dog. He is a cross of some sort (they say staffie and lab). We just brought him home last night (exciting!!!), so he is still adjusting. He is a sweet dog and very cute, but he is nervous and not quite sure of his new home yet- fair enough, he's only ever had one owner and they had another dog too, so this new home may seem quieter and a little lonely. The accidents have aleady started haha! Let's hope they don't stay too long. Any tips?

Bits and Bobs from Blogdom and uh... me

Expectations has been an often-on-my-mind topic to me. What do we do with them? Similar to hope, we need it and it is good to have it, but it also is hard to deal with when it is not fulfilled or takes a turn, or a lot of turns.

Today there was a post from Stirrup Queens on it that made me go, "Like TOTALLY." as with a lot of other posts from women dealing with IF stuff. Here it is if you want to read it.

***
The impact of death and life is something I've thought a bit about these past couple years. With a close and special friend going through the loss her mother, as well as our multiple pregnancy losses, I've been forced to think through some things that I didn't really have to before. I think a big thing for me these days is wondering what the after-life is like.

Today there was a post about the fear of death, from Jared, who has cancer and cannot escape the reality of his situation. I think it is his honesty that strikes me.

His blog is a sobering read (he takes great photos too) and a helpful way to keep some perspective on things in life- knowing how other people are going through massive things, things beyond my understanding. I've been learning a lot.

***
On a totally separate note/table of random objects, we are bringing home a dog today! We are so pleased to be finally getting a dog, as we have been thinking of getting one for ages. His name is Sammy and we found him free on a classified on Trade Me. (We love this NZ site for everything you can find/sell on it.)

Factors that we previously thought were issues have just worked out well or we've found a way around them, and what neat timing too. This has been a nice little burst of sunshine for us this past week.

Okay. I have to admit I have also been nervous about it, as I don't know if he'll adjust well, like it here, like us, pee everywhere and whether I'll be firm enough with him, trip over him in the night, get used to the poop-picking-up again or constantly vacuuming. So many things! Haha. It has been a while since I've had a dog. The first time for the husband and I together.

A part of me is wondering if this is a tiny peek into the anticipation of adopting a child too. Oh gosh if I'm a small wreck now waiting for a dog (pets being something I'm kinda familiar with), I'll be a junkyard of psycho with a kid!

Anyway. Talk more soon.

Timely Treats

In the midst of stuff, I've been very fortunate to have friends and family caring for us. Here are some things that I'm thankful for these past few weeks.

1. Beautiful flowers (and notes) from friends!

Brightening up a rainy day. (Thanks Jul.)

Colourful gerberas light up the house. (Thanks S.)

(There was also a lovely rose- thanks L, but can't see it in the pic...)

2. Beauty in the bleak weather. (It is still a bit cold and wet around here, even though it is officially spring. )

Love these. Spidey in the rain... it got washed away later on though.

3. Be nice to your family cos' they send you nice things.

We got sent these mini Reese's cups in the mail! (Dark chocolate ones too!) They came with a bunch of books I'd gotten my bro and sis-in-law in the U.S. to send over to me, cos' Amazon shipping is a killer to NZ.

I got this cute apron from my sis-in-law in Canada, along with new photos and videos of my nephew and niece (love!) and some other things. (Had to go to the garage to find the husband to take a pic for me haha. ) Here I am wearing it with my um... running gear.

If you want one too, her friend has a shop...

Thanks guys!

4. This weekend, the husband and I got to spend some time together on Saturday night. We took the bus into downtown Auckland cos' we didn't know if traffic would be bad, as there were some closures for the two days...

We had bubble tea downtown. This place called Hulu Cat Cafe totally rocks.  (His drink is Caramel Milk Tea with Coffee Jelly. Very Asian I know...)

5. Great music- We went to a Sons of Korah gig. They are an Aussie band who sing the Psalms. Like straight from the Bible! It was beautiful.

It was held at an old church, St Pauls, so the sound and atmosphere was really cool. It was especially special cos' they ended with Psalm 91, which has been very close to my heart these past couple years.

One funny thing was that we were some of the few younger people in the crowd. Haha. Didn't know they were more appreciated by the older folk.

6. Glad we got to go. After the concert, a couple we knew there gave us a ride home! So sweet cos' even though the bus ride home isn't too bad, it was gonna be a long walk to the bus-stop.

7. My friend C gave me a cute strawberry plate as a 'cheer up' gift. I can be a bit of a random collector of interesting things, and if they are red, that's even better.

I put it on my shelf...

8. I got a new FRYING PAN! I am so stoked. (It was half-price at Farmers.)

The speckled one is the new one (ceramic). The other one is the old one, which we got from our wedding presents six years ago, which I really liked using too- had a waffle-y surface. I had gotten so used to it that I had no idea how much better a new one would be. It is heavier which already makes it fab cos' the other one never did sit straight- if you look carefully at the pic you'll see one side is more burnt than the rest haha.

Sounds silly but frying eggs was like so much fun, cos' it was super smooth and easy to flip! What a difference! Looking forward to trying it with pancakes. The ultimate test.

9. My friend L makes awesome biscotti! She dropped some off at my front door. A cool surprise.

Not the best pic but this one is strawberry and yoghurt biscotti and it tastes brilliant! I was gobbling it up.

10. Still on baking, my friend KP also made us a big box of chocolate and oat cookies (thankfully not all on the same day haha), but I didn't get a pic of them. Tasted good!

Thanks everyone. God has been sustaining us and caring for us through others.

Round 8 Ends- I Want To Wake Up

About a week and a half ago I ended my two-week-wait to Round 8. (Round 8 was ovulation induction with Puregon/Gonal F injections and IUI.) You IF girls out there know how agonizing that wait is... we found out that my blood tested positive for pregnancy hormones but it was too low to be sustained.

My two-week-wait turned into a three-week-trauma. We did a couple more blood tests following that and this week it was confirmed that the pregnancy hormone levels dropped sharply and will continue to do so. In short, we were pregnant but had an early early miscarriage.

We are gutted.

We don't know the whys and probably won't for a while. It continues to remain a mystery medically and I've resolved to be okay with that. I would love to know but in the meantime... not knowing is also okay.

(I'm going to be upfront and say: If you have any new suggestions for reasons or ways to overcome recurrent miscarriage please DON'T share them with me right now, unless you yourself have gone through the same thing. It is just hard for me to receive such info at the moment.)

The word 'pregnant' has never been harder to spit out. I didn't want to use it because it sorta speaks it into 'being'. Sort of like saying it means I have to engage in all the possibilities it brings. I know some of you are familiar with this feeling too, whether or not the pregnancy is going well, where we don't dare to embrace the thought or reality because it could be too hard.

However, the truth is that egg-met-sperm, there was implantation, there was life, but beyond that, we don't know. It didn't go as we'd hoped.

I knew it'd get awkward at some point, blogging so openly about my life. Now I'm here- I don't know how to describe it. I want to be open, but sometimes that comes back to bite me because my vulnerability is also up for grabs.

As this dragged on, I struggled to have any social contact because I have not been functioning like a normal person. Up till a couple days ago, I pretty much just hid in my little shell and hoped everything would go away.

I hate that I've become so familiar with grief. I've been here before, but I didn't want to be here again, or this often. (Grief not just to do with loss but also to do with the disappointment of unexpected procedures, failed cycles, negative tests, the arrival of the pd- or AF.)

That 'shock' that really isn't just a simple zappy-jolt, but a lingering weight lasts longer than you think- where you are wading through a bog of thick air and everything is just empty inside. Hollowed-out. The worst part is that you feel like you are outside of time, but reality is that you are not and you desperately want the world to stop spinning because your everything has just frozen.

It has felt so much like a bad dream. A recurring one. Except the part where you wake up doesn't happen.

I hate that my texts/messages to those who have been waiting and praying with us have become the same: 'Worked but it is not going well...'

Sick of it.

I've had about ten days since the initial news to grieve, so the anger and frustration has subsided quite a bit. Thank you for praying for us and giving me the space to lie low. I'm very fortunate to have understanding friends and an empathetic workplace.

It has felt like it has gotten harder each round. We know it has probably got a lot to do with the reality of loss... so simply 'trying again' is really not so straightforward. It feels like another round is too hard to bear right now, so we are just going to try and focus on other things and see how it goes.

I hate that this is our fourth pregnancy loss and I hate that it sounds like just another number. This little bud of life was as precious to us as each of the other ones... and yet it is so hard to know how to acknowledge him/her because it was so brief and so invisible.

Oh Lord I have so many questions for you.

Thank you for praying for us and being there for us. We prayed for a miracle and in a sense we got it, but in another sense, we're also not sure what happened.

Thankfully, I'm been okay physically and I know the husband and I will recover. We know God is a God of hope, as much as it is hard to see.

In the meantime, yeah... this SUCKS so bad. But one-day-at-a-time continues to sound pretty handle-able.

Desert Song

It has been a long week.

Are you empty, desolate and worn? Is your soul parched and your heart hoarse?

This is me.

The other day my friend Ruth wrote to me (all the way from LA) and shared this song with me, Desert Song, which is a good reminder to praise God in the times we don't want to. Funnily enough, the writer of the song (and one of the singers) is Brooke Fraser, who is a much respected local (NZ) musician who also does stuff with Hillsong. (Her new album is coming out soon, sounds like it could be a good one!)

You may already know the song but if not do have a listen! (Oh. Just letting you know, the link contains video too. I don't always like looking at people worship as I find it a little weird/invasive, but that's just me ha. I think I just get easily distracted visually... so I just focus on the music.)

R actually specifically shared this with me because of the story behind the song's main singer, Jill. So if you want, you can also listen to the interview clip as it talks about the lead (Jill McCloghry) singer's experience of baby loss close to when she was recording this album.

Thanks for sharing girl!

I'm Still Here!

Just wanted to drop in and say I haven't dropped off the face of the earth! (Though some days I really wouldn't mind disappearing from reality for a while.)

Will be posting again soon!