Married for 8 Years (almost)

This year the husband and I will celebrate our eight year anniversary.

It is just a few days away and this past weekend we got the opportunity to go away for a night, while my mom had Toby. (Yes he stayed overnight for the second time and it was a success- yuss! Missed him though, was very weird not having him for a day.)

Even though it was barely 24 hours of time-out, it was really special and I had a great time.

We didn't venture far from where we live- just to Takapuna, um pretty much round the corner really. Unfortunately the weather was not great- windy and a bit of rain, so we didn't go for a walk on the beach or anything, but generally good enough for us.

We had wandered around the shops, had Starbucks (Christmas drinks are out!), checked out the place we were staying at, had pizza (very quickly cos' we were a bit tight on time), went to a movie (Intouchables- French movie, SO GOOD, you have to watch it.)...

We also got to sleep in (no dog and no kid to wake us up), had breakfast at a little cafe I'd been thinking of trying (ran past it multiple times on my long runs and watched people stop in for coffee, so glad I finally got to go in) called Mimosa, and went to the Takapuna Sunday Markets. Then had Starbucks again because yes we are that deprived.

I found some Christmas glass ornaments to match some others I have (love!), a gift for a friend, some beautiful calla lilies (that were supposed to be for my mom for helping with Toby but I forgot to take them to her house-doh!) and an old porcelain deer (yes I've named it Bambi already) for my shelf which I'm considering spray painting but we will see.

It was pretty much all the things you could do on a date packed into one, but it was still leisurely and I loved spending precious time with the husband.

Just wanted to remember it so thought I'd put it down here.

Today is also Thanksgiving in the States. I'm not American but I'm always happy to adopt that celebration- very thankful for my husband and all that I have around me. Have a lovely weekend.

Being Brave

This is what I posted on Facebook the other day. 

I'm not usually that vulnerable on Facebook and I was nervous doing it! But two special friends have gone through losses recently and that night I found out a third friend just had too, so it was just really heavy on my heart, as I sensed they were surprised by the sadness, etc. 

Anyway. Here it is:

On Tuesday I decided to buy flowers. What is it about flowers... A beautiful reminder of God's creation maybe.

3 years ago this week we said goodbye to a baby we got to carry for 12 weeks of pregnancy. My precious friend took me to the hospital and later that day I followed J out to the car park with no baby- as if we were just visitors. I remember the lonely corridors. How empty. Hollow. 

Mayb

e this was all right. I looked normal; I could walk. But my heart broke into a million pieces when I got home and emptied the hospital's brown paper bag of my dirty clothes, and I realised I had nothing. Nothing left of my baby. Invisible.

Gutted.

Yes I have J. And today I have Toby and God has continued to bless us with good things that we celebrate. It is not about not being thankful.

That little life was treasured. We never stop wondering what Baby N would've looked like or felt like. The baby was real.

This is a bit of a step out for me. But my thoughts are going out to the other women or couples who have been here too. And are here today. I know it is 'common' but it doesn't make it easier.

You did not get to meet tiny bud, but your loss is real. Grief is ugly.Your heart is indescribably heavy right now. No one wants to talk about it but many try to say nice things. And some want you to move on. But be mournful if you need to and for a time there really is nothing that needs to be said.

I believe that one day there will be answers to our questions and joyous reunions... and I am praying that God comforts you with his great arms of love and you find healing in his saving grace. Please know in those moments of deep sadness, you are not alone.

"So. Big Gulps."

Hello! I'm here!

How many times have I said that?

Unfortunately there has been a big pause. Not that there hasn't been things to talk about. There's never things I run out of wanting to say. I sooo want to keep this blog going but I'm doing a terrible job of it.

If you guys are still out there, thanks for reading. I appreciate you so much. If not, that's ok. I probably won't know.

Last night I could not sleep because I had too much caffeine. If two cups of tea could be considered too much! I'm useless at caffeine I tell ya. I thought of all the things I wanted to do!

So I thought I'd try my best to capture some of that urgency by doing a quick post now.

Life is really much the same. Except Toby is 16 months now. I know. Huge.

He's really chatty and walks fast (can't quite run just yet)... and we love him to bits.

(messy at meals)

(busy busy always busy)

Do you remember me saying I was going to do a marathon? Well I did it! 4 hours and 47 minutes later... I got to the finish line! It was a big day.

 I feel so proud of myself and was so filled with emotion finishing it. I could not have done it without my running-mate KP who did it with me- trained with me for the last three months and cheered me on endlessly. (She pretty much cheered the whole marathon troupe on- we had people stopping to ask her how she had so much energy!)

(evidence that I did run it)

I also could not have done it without the husband as it has been his commitment as much as mine... As well as all my other super encouraging friends and fam. Some of which were there on the day cheering on us from the sidelines. What a difference it made!

(us and our medals and um... free stuff at the end)

And just to let you know I have not done much since. Haha worst 'down-training' ever. My one foot has been hurting so I'm resting it. That's what I'm saying. 

I went to a Coldplay concert on Saturday night here in Auckland. That was my other 30th birthday 'thing', besides the marathon. I spent my birthday money on the ticket and it was (so expensive but) totally awesome. I actually had some kind of awful bug the night before and was sure I wouldn't make it but I did! I loved it. There was confetti, blow-up lanterns, fireworks, lots of colour and they sounded great.

(Have to admit I sorta got nervous prior when I saw that they were coming on stage at 9pm and nowadays I am really trying to get ready for bed by then haha.)

Not to end on a downer but just on a different note, the last couple days have been interesting for me too as I've felt more emotional about the anniversary of one of the babies we lost (today, 12 November, 3 years ago).

This has actually quite taken me by surprise as I really have not been that focused on it. (This is my safe place where I say stuff, so it might seem like I talk about it a lot if you are reading my posts in one sitting ever.)

But God has really shown me His love through loss and I do cling to that. I just find it curious that it doesn't take much for me to feel that deep heartache- such as when I'm playing with Toby and realise that I won't get to know Baby N like this... or a song that reminds me...

Anyway. Bought beautiful flowers today to commemorate the memory. Looking forward to seeing the peonies bloom. Yay!

Life in general is good but filled up with just normal life things! How do people do it? I'm obviously such a terrible juggler of roles. I haven't even showered today- thought that was supposed to be a 'mother of newborn baby' problem! (9pm right now people.)

I think because I do things like run people think I'm a super-mom. Honestly the comments I got from achieving that marathon-goal were of course lovely to get but also a little misled maybe!

Life is messy. My house is messy.

I love it though. I love having Toby and being able to be his mother. Thankful for that definitely.

How are you doing?

Quick Pics

I love my little man. Here are some photos from my iPod touch- so handy I gotta say!

If I'm Being Honest

If I'm being honest with you, I think a lot about whether we can have a second child.

Then I also sort of freak out about whether I could handle that and whether I would be a terrible mom with two. Cos' one already takes a lot of work for me.

And then my thoughts flip back to whether I have that option. I may not have that choice of having a second, not at this point at least. I don't know. I don't have my cycle back yet.

So. What I'm really worried about is whether I will get my cycle back and whether I can get pregnant again or do we seek treatment? And when?

And also another thing that I'm really thinking about is whether to re-start the adoption process again... or do we wait. Or do we concentrate on getting pregnant? For me adoption leads to so many more questions. The process, the wait, the no guarantees, etc. A bottomless pit of maybe/if/hope/who knows.

And then I make myself think weigh up all the reasons why we want to adopt blahblahblah and it just does my head in.

And what I'm really thinking is whether Toby will have a sibling because that'd be really fab. But I know it'd be a whole new level of awesome/miracle/howdowegetthere.

And then suddenly I'm like, maybe this will happen! Maybe it will just happen like with Toby! But I don't want to take that for granted either. Though I probably already have at times.

And then I flick back to me being in my current reality- I'm trying my best to enjoy our life right now cos' it is pretty awesome too... so I think of all the things I'm enjoying and looking forward to. And because with a one-year-old you still can't think ahead too far... a week ahead is plenty for me to deal with.

And then I think about marriage, cos' then I wonder how much more hard marriage would be if we had another and whether it is all about dealing with that. I mean it is not like we are doing badly but having a baby has definitely impacted it.

And then finally after my web of thoughts explode, I tell God, "You gotta do this. I have no idea. No control. Any of these paths are pretty much only available if You have them work... Please please help me leave them with you."

And then I do it all again the next day or so.

(I know I'm not supposed to start sentences with 'and', let alone so many of them. Grammar police please ignore.)

13 months

These past few days, Toby has started walking. Oh me oh my! It has been really brilliant seeing him take one step. Then two steps the next day. Then a couple more the next.

I don't know when you classify a child as 'walking' but I'm quite sure he has started. And so he is thirteen months. Thought I should write it down somewhere- here is a good place!

We had a great time away in Canada and the US. We were in three cities and stayed in four houses over about 3+ weeks. Toby was a trooper and survived it all. We did get sick at one point and that was a big bummer but you can't prepare or prevent that so we just had to roll with it.

He got to celebrate his birthday three times! The first was pre-birthday, with extended Canadian family and sort of also a great reason for a get-together. The second was on his actual birthday just with the husband's immediate family, which was a small celebration, special and cosy. The third was post-birthday and post-trip, here in NZ, where we did more of a 'party' with little kids- invited some friends and family.

I know he will remember none of it but it was awesome getting to celebrate and know how loved we are and he is.

I have sooooo many photos to organise. Here are a few of the various 'cakes' we got to have!

Thank you grandma for this cake #1!

Healthy muffins with a creamy frosting for cake #2...

And thank you our awesome friend Ch for teaching me how to ice this sock monkey cake. woopwoop!

Toby is starting to say some words too like:

- Dad

- Ball

- Spoon

- Stick

- Bath

- Door

Some sound the same though... 

He can also do a couple hand-signs like 'please' and 'more' and 'all done' if you convince him to do it... haha.

It has been fascinating to see him learn and watch his brain 'click' when you tell him stuff. It has also been hard knowing what to do about bad behaviour, etc. I do get a bit concious that I'm saying NO a lot! 

He's pretty chatty and becoming very busy. He isn't too much of a speed demon though, which is nice as it gives me time to get to him if something needs diversion. He takes a while to warm up in new places and with new people, but he seems quite chilled overall. We'll see what he continues to grow up to be like.

It is hard to get a good photo of him these days! Here's one with a semi-smile.

I'm wondering a lot about how you pass on your faith to your child, I mean how to live and everyday life that includes communicating your walk with Jesus Christ. I'm sure it comes out of your own... which maybe says something about me because I'm struggling to know how to do this in parenting terms. Do I make sense? Anyway. Maybe a good topic for another post. 

As usual, so many thoughts to convey, so few brain cells left working. Are you watching the Olympics? I'm going to go do that for a little bit right now! 

Almost a Year Old

Toby is almost one- just two weeks to go!

We fly tomorrow to Canada and the U.S. for 3.5 weeks. I'm nervous and excited at the same time.

Life has been busybusy... but as I walk around my house filled with random containers (good toys), non-sticky stickers and bits of cardboard boxes (good toys too)...  I realise I am living my dream. I have a son. He is getting big fast.

About a month ago was Mother's Day and I got a nice breakfast in bed. And a couple weeks ago we dedicated Toby at church. Our pastor made it very personal for us and it was special. Both were days I kinda half-wanted-half-dreaded but they were very sweet.

Interestingly we dedicated Toby on the due date of one of our previous babies. We didn't realise it till after it was planned! I think God does weird things like that. Maybe just to remind me He knows. He knows and remembers.

And truth is since Toby was born, I've thought about the 'next' child. I try not to too much but I also can't help it! Thankfully I'm not too obsessed with it right now. I want to enjoy Toby and I am!

People ask about having a 'second' and I still never quite know what to say. I don't know if I'm fertile. I'd love another but we all know it is not that straightforward. In my head I have a deadline. I'm thinking we will see the specialists when we hit that deadline- I think.

Anyway. Life is good. We are thankful we are able to go on this big trip to see family and friends as well as some ministry supporters. I hope Toby will behave on the long plane rides. Without shame, I have armed myself with drowsy meds for him if we need it. I'll let you know how it goes.

Toby will turn one while we are in Canada which will be super special. I'm thinking through what sort of celebration to have when we come home and have a little party for our friends and family here. I am terrible because I love ideas but I get overwhelmed with all the details. Grrrr.

Well, back to the packing I go...

Here are some photos.

 (Toby with his cardboard car. Looking a tad homeless with the socks falling off...)

 (We went to the zoo as a little family and advance-birthday activity.)

 (Us at the zoo.)

 (Nap-face. Awesome overalls from Ch!)

(What? There's a Toby in there too?- Us at the mall playground. Can't believe he's old enough to like it. Ahhhh!)

 

 (Monkey and monkey.)

 (Overdosing on blueberries, after having kiwifruit... hehe)

 (Prepping the bath by loading it up with bath toys.)

A Song

I came across this song the other day that someone shared on Facebook.

I thought it was pretty brave to sing about a topic like this- baby loss.

The husband and I listened to it and it was hard! I am posting the accoustic version. The original video is pretty difficult to watch- hits a bit close to home. Beautiful song though. Ed Sheeran's 'Small Bump'.

Bunch of Things

BIRTHDAY

This week I turned 30.

Loved it. I got to have a fancy-schmancy dinner with the husband, and even though the evening went a little weird after dessert (i.e. I got annoyed cos' he told me we had to go home suddenly)... it turned out to be totally worth the slight emotional breakdown because I had a surprise party waiting for me back home. Had no idea.

I admit I am not great at receiving surprises on the outside (facial expression, etc.) and I think I just looked stunned the whole evening. And my brain got fuzzy too- when a couple friends wished me, "Happy Birthday" and gave me a hug I said, "Happy Birthday!" back.  Um. No.

But I was glad. I felt loved and I know there was a lot of work put into it. Thanks!

It was awesome knowing I was cared for and that friends wanted to celebrate with me! Plus I got gifts which is also always a big bonus. Don't all come rushing over to check out my whistling garden gnome! (I know. Quirky gifts probably mean I'm a quirky person. It is ok. I'm dealing with the reality.)

I ended my 'birthday week' (as if I'm Oprah or Ellen or one of those) with a lovely cafe brunch (coffee and a plate of pancakes) with some close friends. It was a sweet week.

I'm not afraid of being thirty. Truth is that it could be easier now that I have Toby. Or maybe because I married someone eight years older- so I'm always the 'young wife' hhahaha. Or maybe it will catch up with me in a few months. I'm not sure.

PRE-MIDDLE AGE CRISIS?

But I have done something crazy. I've signed up for a marathon. Yup a whole whopping 42km.

Today I ran 1.6km. I need to multiply that by TWENTY SIX TIMES.

I have wanted to take on a full marathon but not like now! However when the Auckland Marathon registrations opened, I thought hard about it and figured that life is not going to get less busy nor am I going to get more 'ready' to do it, so I might as well try now.

I'm trying to be as realistic as I can about it. I'm prepared to see the podiatrist, the physio, etc. We'll see...

INFERTILITY AWARENESS WEEK

Veering off to another topic- It has been Infertility Awareness Week in the States (and Canada? Not sure.). And Mother's Day is round the corner for us here in NZ (which is pretty much kinda like inverted-infertility-awareness weeks for some of us)...

So here's a couple links if you feel like a browse:

I liked Every Week is Infertility Awareness Week by Stirrup Queens  as it is a bit raw but touches on how infertility doesn't necessarily have an end for certain people.

And on a different note I love the honesty in this one, The Ugly Truth.

That's me for now.

Here's a photo! Us having gelato after the fancy dinner. (I love my husband.)

Support Group Thoughts

I've had the privilege of running a small prayer/support group at church for those dealing with infertility and miscarriage baby loss. There's only a few of us and we have been at different stages of the journey, yet God has been very awesome at providing for our different needs through the group. 

As the coordinator-type-person I am thankful that our church is sooo behind this and encouraging. I don't always feel like I know what I'm doing but somehow God does stuff. I treasure all the friendships I am able to have though I also wish we didn't have to have this in common! 

Just wondering what you guys out there think about this. Our group is made up of ladies on different journeys. Primary infertility (battling to get pregnant), secondary infertility (waiting for subsequent child), miscarriage baby loss/ recurrent loss, and of course some are now mothers too. 

I like that we are at different places as we need each other and it is always encouraging to learn from each other's experiences, and it all seems to still be okay since we are small, but I also know it can be painful as eventually some will be waiting and some will have children... What is the best way to handle this? How can I do this well?

I know there are no easy answers. But just thought to hear your ideas or if you have had any experience yourself. 

Toby - 9 months

I'm here! I'm just terrible at blogging right now.

How are you doing?

Today we ended daylight savings which means winter is coming. We had lunch at the beach and it was gorgeous- don't do that much so was glad we did. Funny how you rush to make the most of it when you know it is ending.

Toby turned nine months a few days ago. He also started proper crawling about a week ago.

He's still a pretty relaxed little fellow and I'm so thankful for that.

He's developing as a small person which is incredible to watch. He likes to say aaaah at the end of 'row row row your boat' when you are supposed to scream, and he plays peekaboo with a cloth we use to wipe his face after dinner. Like he holds it up himself! Super cute!

Blows me away what and how he's learning.

Here are some instagrammed pics.

What Can I Do To Help?

I read this the other day in an email from Sarah's Laughter, something to share?

Practical Advice for Friends and Family

I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.
 Nevertheless, you have done well to share with me in my affliction. 
Philippians 4:13-14

If you are the one struggling with infertility, guess what!  Today’s Daily Double Portion is not for you!  Please print this copy out, hand it to the nearest friend or family member, turn your computer off and patiently wait until tomorrow for your next Daily Double Portion!

If you love someone who is carrying the heavy load of unplanned “un-pregnancy”,  you may find it difficult to know how to offer support for their struggle.  They definitely need your encouragement, but it is sometimes so difficult for friends and family to know how to offer the support.  As we struggle with infertility, our relationships with friends and family are undeniably touched.  Those who conceive easily may have difficulty truly understanding the struggle an infertile couple faces every single day.  In our effort to offer support for those who struggle, we submit these suggestions for ways that friends and family can offer their own support to those they love.  These are simple, practical ways to show your love and support.  If Sarah’s Laughter can help you in any way, please feel free to contact us at any time.

What to Say...

I’m so sorry.
I’m praying for you. (Only say this if you really will pray!)
How would you like me to pray for you? (Join in agreement with them in prayer.  Don’t assume you know what they’re praying for.  They may be praying for something that seems totally off the wall to you.  You don’t have to understand why certain things are important.  It may be important for your friend to not be invited to her cousin’s shower, or to be called into work on what should have been her due date.  When you validate their feelings by praying in agreement with them, it can be a beautifully healing thing.)
I’m here if you need to talk. (Then don’t be afraid of what they may say.  Don’t be offended if they don’t want to talk.  Being available to them as a sounding board is priceless.)

What NOT to say...

Relax, honey.  It will happen.  (This minimizes the hurt the couple is feeling.  Also, sometimes it doesn’t happen.)
You’re so lucky not to be tied down with kids.  You can go on vacation any time you want.
At least...you were only a few weeks along, At least...you have one child. At least...you have time with just the two of you.  (A good rule of thumb is--if you start a sentence with “at least” it’s probably the wrong thing to say!)
So whose fault is it--yours or his?  (Infertility is not an issue of fault.  It is a medical condition that carries a heavy emotional and spiritual burden.  This is an intensely personal battle.  If they want--or need--to share personal, medical information with you, let them.  It’s really quite an honor to be trusted with such vulnerable information. If they don’t want to share, please don’t ask.)
You can always have another baby.  (Unfortunately, many who experience infertility also experience loss.  Even if they are blessed with a houseful of other children, they still grieve the baby they’ve lost.  They love  this  baby.  They want this baby.
I know how you feel.  (No, you don’t.  Even if you suffered with infertility or miscarriage, you cannot know exactly how this person feels.  You may have a good idea based on your own experience, but not the specifics of this situation.) 
Don’t cry.  It’ll be okay.  (Let them cry.  Let them cry with you or on you. Just let them cry.)

Be Sensitive...

Infertility and loss are excruciating experiences which tend to be extremely private.  If someone dares to trust in you and shares these experiences with you, take their hurt very seriously even if you cannot relate to their pain.  Maintain their confidence.  If someone else questions you about your friend’s childlessness, keep the information to yourself.  Even when others ask out of concern, remember the intimacy of this situation.  If and when your friend wants to share with others, she will--just as she shared with you. 
Don’t ask infertile women or mothers who have miscarried to pass out gifts on Mother’s Day, host baby showers, etc.  These are excruciating events for those who struggle.
Realize that the grief an infertile couple carries begins anew approximately every 28 days.
Don’t panic if the couple “emotionally vomits” on you.  Don’t cringe if they start talking about sperm counts or post-coital tests.  Your support can be life giving to someone who feels like they are going to collapse under the weight of an empty cradle.
Don’t be afraid of anger.  Hurting people tend to lash out.  If they are angry at their spouse, their doctor, their baby, their body or even at God, let them vent.
Give hurting couples an “out” on Mother’s Day/Father’s Day, on days when you have a baby dedication at church, for baby showers, etc.  Let them know about the dedication in advance if you are comfortable doing so, so that they can decide if they want to attend that Sunday.  These are hard events to attend.  Don’t criticize if they do not attend.  However, follow up with them if they miss more than just the difficult days or if they are pulling away too much.
Let them know you care.  However it works for you and those you care for, just let them know you care.

As Philippians 4:13-14 says, we can do all things through Christ who gives us strength, but it is so good of you to share with your infertile friends/family in their trouble. Thank you!  Thank you!  Thank you!  Thank you for caring for hurting people and making such a wonderful effort to ease the pain of unintentional childlessness.

(c) 2012 Sarah’s Laughter-Christian Support for Infertility & Child Loss


Submit a prayer request or join the Sarah's Laughter Prayer Team at

Requests@Sarahs-Laughter.com

Stuff and Things and Misc.

Just for a bit of fun, and non-seriousness... Here are some random everyday things about me/us/going-ons. 

Toby is now more established on solids. He isn't a massive eater, but here are some things he's tried:

carrots, pumpkin, kumara (sweet potato), avocado, peas, corn, chicken, beef, pork, apple, pear, nectarine, peach, banana, prune, apricot, pasta, rice, oats, egg, custard, zuchinni (or courgettes), capsicum, spinach, broccoli, etc... sounds like a lot when I list it out... 

Toby has a sock monkey that he has to have to go to bed, along with his thumb. It is super cute but also means we have to make sure Socks is around. Now we have two. Thankfully Socks is a Beanie Baby and we found another him on ebay- yay for mass produced toys! 

I got a new USB drive for our photos the other day. Okay for Toby's photos really. I'm paranoid that our computer will crash and we'll lose them. Especially after losing our Christmas photos as I left my camera at the beach when we were on holiday- painful. I started loading them yesterday but I realised that just from 2011 (he was born in July), we already have 6GB of photos! Ridiculous. I mean, given I haven't really gone through properly and deleted the crappy ones... that's still a lot of photos. And I only got a 16GB thingy. 

Camera suggesions anyone? Just a basic easy-peasy kinda one. 

(This is Toby as a 'baa-baa black sheep' but it didn't really turn out great as he kept moving. Fair enough. I'm still proud of my other work where I made him look like a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup!)

Tomorrow I'm going to get a manicure with my friend C. The husband got me a voucher for Christmas and I'm excited to be using it. Plus I haven't hung out with her for ages and it is much needed. (Only bummer is on Monday I couldn't remember why I had such long nails, as I usually keep them short, so I snipped them all off. Then right after that I realised I was keeping them long for the manicure appointment so they could trim them nicely and so maybe I could maybe get French-tipped ones... OH WELL.)

You know how I like to shop? Well since becoming a mom I've lost all ability to think when I'm in a mall. I think I have so much pent-up shoppingness that when I get to do it, I just don't know where to start. Probably a good thing for everybody. 

The other morning I used my husband's toothbrush by accident. How? I don't know- it was a totally different colour to mine. He's got a new toothbrush now. 

I'm in dire need for a blog design lesson. I did some html stuff at university but that was like seven whole years ago! Ugh. Any tips on where to start? 

Last night I lay in bed thinking about this post, like what to write (yes I do that a lot), but I don't remember what I was wanting to say (do have a writing pad beside my bed for those brilliant moments but didn't use it of course) so that's me for today. 

Have a great weekend!  

Ten (plus one) things at 10PM

I've been wanting to write more about what life is like as a mother. Here's a list of ten.

1. When you have a baby, you are forced to live in the NOW. Someone else said this and I found it so correct. It is a huge brain adjustment!

2. It can get lonely. Not in the socialising sense, but because as the main caregiver, you're the main one your baby needs (and needs a lot) and it is a peculiar thing to experience. You might have a lot in common with other moms but it is still different. I'm not sure how much this makes sense!

3. It is truly hard to think of other things. My brain is full to the brim of things relating to the home or Toby (food, naps, things to do, things to buy, things to plan), and I have to really concentrate (or write a lot of lists) to make sure I'm thinking of the other major things in my life too. Not that we should feel the pressure to be super.

4. But the pressure to be super-woman is there. Some days it feels like you've only done the dishes all day. Or you didn't even take a shower. And you feel like looking after your child was not a good enough achievement, even when you know it is.

5. It is awesome. I have a baby. I have a son. He is growing a tooth at the moment. He is growing up fast!

6. It is a lot of fun learning all the quirks and observing how Toby does new things everyday. It is amazing!

7. Experiencing the 'growing up fast' thing first hand is interesting. There is such a tension wanting your child to grow up yet not wanting them to do that at the same time!

8. I fear sounding greedy but seeing people pregnant starts to get hard again. Or things like talking with new mom friends about how they got pregnant can be painful... because most people don't know what our story was like and I can't expect them to can I!

9. Sadly some days I'm just as critical as I ever was when I see families with a few children. I assume that it has been easier for them than it has been for me. Back to being all about me!

10. Insecurity. With change, my insecurities seem to show up. These past seven months I've noticed that they have. Maybe combined with hormones. Maybe combined with the tiredness. Maybe combined with change in relationships like marriage, etc.

11. On a lighter note, you get to really love some products and things around the home like baby wipes. OH MY. Awesome invention. And cups- stacking cups, coloured cups, plastic cups. Toby loves them so I love them... haha!

Anyway. I know I listed a few things that seem 'negative' but that's not what I intended to do. It is just what's been real for me. I wouldn't change my current situation for anything in the world.

And totally. Feel free to tell me off if I'm taking my mom-hood for granted.

A Day to Remember

Today is the 22nd of February, a day of varied emotions! Our work/ministry celebrates its second birthday, but we also commemorate the first anniversary of a major earthquake that took place in Christchurch and caused many lives to be lost.

At the same time I praise God that a friend who has suffered many baby losses has had some crazy good news, and feel sad for another friend who is riding the difficult rollercoaster of infertility...

Life is so full of mixed emotions and experiences. Loss and life, hope and disappointment. Yet it feels odd that I still did the laundry today, cooked a meal, went to the mall, and am here typing in my safe home. Daily life still has to go on. How does that work?

Toby - 7 mths

Thanks for all your thoughts guys I appreciate them so much.

Toby is 7 months (eeks). Here is a little update and a bunch of pics.

(I LOVE this pic!) We can kind of sit up but sometimes mom looks away and... bonk!

This was our first plane ride... to Wellington for a wedding. 

(Airplane bib was actually not planned!)

We did really good and just slept for most of it- phew. Now we'll see about that long-distance one to Canada in June... 

Camo-stripey pjs.

Eat everything.

Chub-baby legs.

Swimming is a bit intimidating but we're warming up to it... 

Nice to have dad with us.

We're getting good on our belly and now we're lifting our hips too! We can sorta slide backwards.

Happy Chinese New Year Toby! (with grandma)

What to do!

Since getting pregnant (which is like a long long time ago), I think I have been confused about what to do with this blog. I'm sure my posts reflect that too!

My original intention was clear- I wanted this to be a place for me to talk about infertility and miscarriage but also for others to maybe feel less alone by reading about it too.

Of course it has given me a place to write things I would not know how to express in real life too.

Now that I am a mom to Toby, most of my every day experiences are about him or with him. Yet I find myself holding back talking too much about him because I've wanted to keep my original intentions with this blog. Which doesn't really work for a blog does it?

I wonder if I just need to let my blogging reflect that I'm a parent. Like starting a new chapter... though a bit delayed haha (which is so me!)

I guess that's also where the website idea comes into play. I'm still hoping I (and the husband) can be helpful to those going through infertility and miscarriage in some way. I feel like I still have lots I can put into a resource of some sort, especially for Christian women in New Zealand. So maybe that's where I can put all that thought/emotion and experience. Hmmm?

Honest thoughts welcome!

New Year New Thoughts (Kinda)

I'm having trouble catching up on blogs because my desktop computer uses Explorer and Blogger is telling me that they prefer me to use Google Chrome, so my dashboard is not loading! Not cool. Anyone else having this problem?

So I can post from here (using my ipod touch) but reading blogs isn't so great. Sorry I'm so out of touch with you blog friends out there!

I'm having a late start to the year organisationally it seems. Probably just a me-thing too. New calendar not up, dates for diary not transferred, lists of things to do lying around but not compiled into anything useful!

What are some things you hope to see happen or do this year? Big things, small things, etc. Or on another level, What can we also be praying for each other for?

1. Big idea 1 - I have this idea to start a website.

It sort of stems off having this blog, but I want something that's more of a resource for others out there. Something still for those going through waiting, infertility and baby loss but also for their spouses, friends and family. For example I have learnt that many husbands feel a bit lost too... So it could be a place for them to find out how to better understand their wives?

Blogs tend to be more personal, journally and chronological while it'd be cool to have something more topical or question based where it is easier to search for stuff. Hmm. I don't want to replace good resources out there too but I do think we can fit somewhere.

I am so excited about this idea! But I also am a bit unsure where to start! I have thoughts spilling out of me! And er when will I have time? Struggling as it is with blogging!

Praying also to approach it in a way God wants me to.

What do you think?

2. Fitness - I would like to get bit more fit again. Typical I know. But hear me out.

I have been fortunate that my body has managed to resume its pre-preg shape- sort of haha!

But truth is I am not actually fit on the inside as I barely do anything resembling exercise. And for someone like me, it'd be good to have a challenge. So I'm trying to come up with a plan to do something fitness-sy this year.

I don't know how women out there do it! It is so hard working it around Toby's schedule. We'll see...

3. Time with God and prayer life- I really struggle with this. Not that I want to get legalistic about it but I'm so on the opposite end right now.

Specifically, I just have felt very convicted about praying about some specific happenings in my family life in the past few years, yet I haven't acted on them.

I think I also haven't been brave enough because they are hard topics that I don't like thinking about. Yikes. So I want to do something about this.

Ok that's some of the stuff I'm thinking about for 2012. What about you?

(Photos: here is a pic of Toby and I, and some others of him, like with his monkey called Socks, plus one of the summer sky the other night just before 9pm- ah summer! )