If I'm being honest with you, I think a lot about whether we can have a second child.
Then I also sort of freak out about whether I could handle that and whether I would be a terrible mom with two. Cos' one already takes a lot of work for me.
And then my thoughts flip back to whether I have that option. I may not have that choice of having a second, not at this point at least. I don't know. I don't have my cycle back yet.
So. What I'm really worried about is whether I will get my cycle back and whether I can get pregnant again or do we seek treatment? And when?
And also another thing that I'm really thinking about is whether to re-start the adoption process again... or do we wait. Or do we concentrate on getting pregnant? For me adoption leads to so many more questions. The process, the wait, the no guarantees, etc. A bottomless pit of maybe/if/hope/who knows.
And then I make myself think weigh up all the reasons why we want to adopt blahblahblah and it just does my head in.
And what I'm really thinking is whether Toby will have a sibling because that'd be really fab. But I know it'd be a whole new level of awesome/miracle/howdowegetthere.
And then suddenly I'm like, maybe this will happen! Maybe it will just happen like with Toby! But I don't want to take that for granted either. Though I probably already have at times.
And then I flick back to me being in my current reality- I'm trying my best to enjoy our life right now cos' it is pretty awesome too... so I think of all the things I'm enjoying and looking forward to. And because with a one-year-old you still can't think ahead too far... a week ahead is plenty for me to deal with.
And then I think about marriage, cos' then I wonder how much more hard marriage would be if we had another and whether it is all about dealing with that. I mean it is not like we are doing badly but having a baby has definitely impacted it.
And then finally after my web of thoughts explode, I tell God, "You gotta do this. I have no idea. No control. Any of these paths are pretty much only available if You have them work... Please please help me leave them with you."
And then I do it all again the next day or so.
(I know I'm not supposed to start sentences with 'and', let alone so many of them. Grammar police please ignore.)